1 00:01:03,580 --> 00:01:07,140 Oi! Shut your row up, this time of night! 2 00:01:09,020 --> 00:01:10,570 Where are you? 3 00:01:10,620 --> 00:01:12,340 I don't know... 4 00:01:23,660 --> 00:01:27,380 - Who was you shouting at? - Load of yobbos, out the back. 5 00:01:29,380 --> 00:01:31,010 Keeping your cap on? 6 00:01:31,060 --> 00:01:32,290 You what? 7 00:01:32,340 --> 00:01:34,450 Oh, God. 8 00:01:34,500 --> 00:01:36,170 There you go. 9 00:01:36,220 --> 00:01:38,290 What you doing out there, anyway? 10 00:01:38,340 --> 00:01:42,140 I thought I heard someone throwing a wallet over the back wall. 11 00:01:44,900 --> 00:01:46,970 So... 12 00:01:47,020 --> 00:01:48,530 are we going to sleep, or what? 13 00:01:48,580 --> 00:01:51,290 217 invites we sent out for this wedding. 14 00:01:51,340 --> 00:01:54,170 How many do you reckon came back "yes"? 15 00:01:54,220 --> 00:01:55,770 Did you hear what I said? 16 00:01:55,820 --> 00:01:57,930 Oh, Fred, I'm busy. 17 00:01:57,980 --> 00:02:00,850 God... I might as well put me cap back on. 18 00:02:00,900 --> 00:02:04,540 216 -- out of 217. 19 00:02:05,860 --> 00:02:08,170 So, that's all your severance pay from the dock gone. 20 00:02:08,220 --> 00:02:10,650 Oh, well. That's what it's there for. 21 00:02:10,700 --> 00:02:12,650 What we going to do after the wedding? 22 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:15,170 What are we going to do for money then? 23 00:02:15,220 --> 00:02:17,250 Who's the one that ain't coming? 24 00:02:17,300 --> 00:02:19,530 Oh, it's all right, it's one of mine -- 25 00:02:19,580 --> 00:02:21,290 Keith Stepney, driver from work. 26 00:02:21,340 --> 00:02:22,940 Do I know him? 27 00:02:23,620 --> 00:02:26,130 Wife left him for the boxer. 28 00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:28,450 Oh, him -- that long ponce. 29 00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:30,810 His wife might have left him, but his wallet never has. 30 00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:33,450 Spent a night with him in the pub -- he never bought one. 31 00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:36,570 - Oh, Fred. He's a lovely bloke. - Phew! Is he? 32 00:02:36,620 --> 00:02:39,770 Is that why his missus is doing 15 rounds with another geezer? 33 00:02:39,820 --> 00:02:43,010 His Sandra's getting married the same day as Sharon. 34 00:02:43,060 --> 00:02:46,690 Well, good luck to anyone going to that -- 35 00:02:46,740 --> 00:02:49,090 they'll probably toast the bride with tap water. 36 00:02:49,140 --> 00:02:51,700 That's Michael home. 37 00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:57,860 Well, at least tap water goes round. 38 00:02:59,060 --> 00:03:02,250 We'll have the best of everything, girl. Don't you worry about that. 39 00:03:02,300 --> 00:03:05,490 Your husband is in the Royal Division Of Commissionaires. 40 00:03:05,540 --> 00:03:07,450 We live to serve. 41 00:03:07,500 --> 00:03:10,810 ♪ We are the soldiers of the Queen, my lad... ♪ 42 00:03:10,860 --> 00:03:13,570 Oh, stop singing that, stop it! 43 00:03:13,620 --> 00:03:15,490 You ain't in them yet. 44 00:03:15,540 --> 00:03:16,890 And you won't be neither, 45 00:03:16,940 --> 00:03:20,170 unless you can get hold of somebody else's bleeding war record. 46 00:03:20,220 --> 00:03:23,450 I've got that under control. It's as good as in me hand. 47 00:03:23,500 --> 00:03:25,250 Yeah? Well, I've got a good idea 48 00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:27,130 what you've got in your hand right now -- 49 00:03:27,180 --> 00:03:28,810 and I don't trust that, neither. 50 00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:32,100 Now, that has seen some action! 51 00:03:34,420 --> 00:03:36,050 - Whoa! - Fred! 52 00:03:36,100 --> 00:03:38,620 Down from under, set hanging! 53 00:03:40,060 --> 00:03:43,170 'In common with all council house lighting of the 1970s, 54 00:03:43,220 --> 00:03:46,690 'it was like a night game at Wembley Stadium in my bedroom. 55 00:03:46,740 --> 00:03:50,170 'And my brother Michael saw it as his duty to wake me up 56 00:03:50,220 --> 00:03:53,010 - 'when he came in from the pub.' - Danny? 57 00:03:53,060 --> 00:03:55,130 Psst! 58 00:03:57,540 --> 00:04:00,050 I got a little present for you. 59 00:04:00,100 --> 00:04:02,490 I bought you a bowl of winkles. 60 00:04:02,540 --> 00:04:05,770 And here's a pin, to get them out with. 61 00:04:05,820 --> 00:04:08,970 - What the f... Oh, shit! - Five... four... three... two... 62 00:04:09,020 --> 00:04:11,890 - Let me out! You've gone mad! - three... two... 63 00:04:11,940 --> 00:04:13,770 One! 64 00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:16,130 - What the bleeding hell's going on? - He's got a bomb! 65 00:04:16,180 --> 00:04:18,410 - A bomb? - It ain't a bomb. 66 00:04:18,460 --> 00:04:20,530 Oh! Oh, my good God... 67 00:04:20,580 --> 00:04:23,610 - Have you been out with Peter Tulloch? - Yeah. How did you know? 68 00:04:23,660 --> 00:04:25,210 Peter found it by the railway line -- 69 00:04:25,260 --> 00:04:27,810 they've been frightening everyone down the Red Cow with it. 70 00:04:27,860 --> 00:04:30,090 - You took a hand grenade into a pub? - It's a dud -- 71 00:04:30,140 --> 00:04:32,690 - and it ain't mine, anyway. - How do you know it's a bleeding dud? 72 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:35,130 Cos we pulled the pin out, threw it and nothing happened. 73 00:04:35,180 --> 00:04:37,250 Peter reckons it come off a film set or something. 74 00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:40,130 - Well, give it back to him, just get rid of it. - What's going on in here? 75 00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:42,050 I could have been fast a-kip out there. 76 00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:44,770 It weren't your lot making all that noise round the back, was it? 77 00:04:44,820 --> 00:04:47,530 Oh, that? That was Nitty Knight -- lobbed his wallet over the wall. 78 00:04:47,580 --> 00:04:49,610 What did I tell you? Nothing else sounds like it. 79 00:04:49,660 --> 00:04:52,210 - He's brought home a hand grenade! - He's what? Well, you -- 80 00:04:52,260 --> 00:04:54,290 don't be bringing home no hand grenades! 81 00:04:54,340 --> 00:04:56,050 And you -- stop being a grass! 82 00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:59,370 And settle down. He's got school in the morning. 83 00:04:59,420 --> 00:05:01,810 'Ah, yes. School. 84 00:05:01,860 --> 00:05:05,450 'I still hadn't quite got round to telling Mum and Dad I'd left.' 85 00:05:05,500 --> 00:05:07,770 Don't forget your alarm clock. 86 00:05:08,780 --> 00:05:11,450 'In order to join the Royal Division Of Commissionaires, 87 00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:14,530 'Dad needed to be able to produce a good war record. 88 00:05:14,580 --> 00:05:19,450 'Unfortunately, his own was mostly stamped with the initials "A-W-O-L".' 89 00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:21,820 Hello, Jean? Apple tart. 90 00:05:23,140 --> 00:05:25,700 No? All right. Apple pie? 91 00:05:27,780 --> 00:05:30,690 No? Apples and pears? 92 00:05:30,740 --> 00:05:32,680 Look, Jean -- it's Spud. 93 00:05:33,780 --> 00:05:36,250 What is the poxy password? 94 00:05:36,300 --> 00:05:39,410 Toffee apple? Right. Toffee apple, then. 95 00:05:39,460 --> 00:05:41,200 I'm coming round. 96 00:05:44,060 --> 00:05:46,770 'He'd heard that the brother of a small-time local villain 97 00:05:46,820 --> 00:05:50,500 'called Shaky Young had recently died, and he sensed an opening.' 98 00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:53,530 Who is it? 99 00:05:53,580 --> 00:05:56,980 Fuck's sake, Jean -- I just put the phone down to you. 100 00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:00,850 Come in, Freddie. 101 00:06:00,900 --> 00:06:04,330 'Shaky was officially on the run, after escaping from the nick. 102 00:06:04,380 --> 00:06:07,450 'Everybody -- everybody knew where he was hiding out. 103 00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:09,410 'But nobody was allowed to tell him that.' 104 00:06:09,460 --> 00:06:11,730 - Is he in? - What do you think? 105 00:06:11,780 --> 00:06:14,250 He's been up there 14 months now, Fred -- 106 00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:17,090 he only had three left on his sentence. 107 00:06:18,740 --> 00:06:19,890 What's that? 108 00:06:19,940 --> 00:06:22,690 He has to have his routine. 109 00:06:22,740 --> 00:06:26,050 Good job I'm his sister. No wife would stand for it. 110 00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:28,420 That's ridiculous. 111 00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:32,810 You coming down? 112 00:06:34,940 --> 00:06:36,530 Fuck off. 113 00:06:36,580 --> 00:06:37,900 Go on. 114 00:06:39,020 --> 00:06:40,560 What, you...? 115 00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:45,490 I don't believe this. 116 00:06:49,220 --> 00:06:51,050 You all right? 117 00:06:51,100 --> 00:06:53,010 - Help me, help me! - Come on... 118 00:06:53,060 --> 00:06:54,970 Shaky, meet me halfway! 119 00:06:55,020 --> 00:06:58,410 You want to try doing it with a plate of food in your hand! 120 00:07:02,260 --> 00:07:06,090 ♪ When are you going to come down? 121 00:07:06,140 --> 00:07:09,890 ♪ When are you going to land? 122 00:07:09,940 --> 00:07:12,890 ♪ I should have stayed on the farm 123 00:07:12,940 --> 00:07:16,490 ♪ Should have listened to my old man. ♪ 124 00:07:16,540 --> 00:07:18,850 How did you find me? 125 00:07:18,900 --> 00:07:21,450 - You what? - Who gave me up? Was it Bill Drake? 126 00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:23,810 - What? - Jimmy Martin? Eric Hannon? 127 00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:25,410 - No. - Micky Benacki? 128 00:07:25,460 --> 00:07:26,850 Gary Wiltshire? 129 00:07:26,900 --> 00:07:28,610 Frankie Wilkinson? 130 00:07:28,660 --> 00:07:30,210 Terry Butt? 131 00:07:30,260 --> 00:07:31,530 Bertie Burkett? 132 00:07:31,580 --> 00:07:33,770 Fucking hell, Shaky. Who don't know you're up here? 133 00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:36,090 It's a select band, Spud. Only those who need to know. 134 00:07:36,140 --> 00:07:37,930 - Come on, who was it? - No-one told me! 135 00:07:37,980 --> 00:07:40,850 Spud, I need a name, or you can go home right now. 136 00:07:40,900 --> 00:07:43,570 - Was it Freddie Jones? - No, it was... 137 00:07:44,580 --> 00:07:47,050 - .. Teddy Williams. - Teddy Williams! 138 00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:49,410 That grass! I knew it. 139 00:07:49,460 --> 00:07:51,690 That no-good, bean-spilling bast... 140 00:07:51,740 --> 00:07:53,330 Hang on, who's Teddy Williams? 141 00:07:53,380 --> 00:07:55,290 I don't know, I just made the name up. 142 00:07:55,340 --> 00:07:57,930 It don't matter, Shaky, honest. Your secret's safe with me. 143 00:07:57,980 --> 00:08:00,770 I just come up here to talk to you about something. 144 00:08:00,820 --> 00:08:03,770 You tell that Teddy Williams I don't like grasses. 145 00:08:03,820 --> 00:08:06,650 I may be stuck up here, but my reach is long. 146 00:08:06,700 --> 00:08:10,420 I just came to say I'm sorry to hear about your Billy passing away. 147 00:08:11,460 --> 00:08:13,170 Billy... 148 00:08:13,220 --> 00:08:15,370 Broke my heart. 149 00:08:15,420 --> 00:08:17,610 We was close, up until our twenties, 150 00:08:17,660 --> 00:08:20,010 and then all of a sudden, he's gone straight. 151 00:08:20,060 --> 00:08:23,850 Got a job on the cards -- moved to a big house in Cockfosters. 152 00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:26,050 None of us could understand what went wrong. 153 00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:29,170 Yeah, well... That's what money does to some people, Shake. 154 00:08:29,220 --> 00:08:32,050 Oh, for fuck's sake. What's that? 155 00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:35,170 - That's me wash bucket. - Oh, right. Thank God for that. 156 00:08:35,220 --> 00:08:37,370 Where's the... other one? 157 00:08:37,420 --> 00:08:39,020 It's up there. 158 00:08:39,900 --> 00:08:41,330 What's it doing up there? 159 00:08:41,380 --> 00:08:44,410 I kept kicking it over -- and Jeanie sleeps underneath. 160 00:08:44,460 --> 00:08:46,450 - How can you live like this? - Like what? 161 00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:49,090 Stuck up here in the pitch-black, 14 months? 162 00:08:49,140 --> 00:08:51,730 Can't go nowhere, can't see no-one, do anything? 163 00:08:51,780 --> 00:08:54,610 Banging your head on a bucket of shit every ten minutes? 164 00:08:54,660 --> 00:08:56,730 Spud, I value my freedom. 165 00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:03,090 So, will you be going to Billy's funeral? 166 00:09:03,140 --> 00:09:05,210 No, I can't risk it. 167 00:09:05,260 --> 00:09:08,290 It was my birthday last week, I never even come down for that. 168 00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:11,330 Your birthday? It's the same as mine, February. 169 00:09:11,380 --> 00:09:13,980 - Eh? Where are we now, then? - June! 170 00:09:15,780 --> 00:09:18,050 March, April, May, June... 171 00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:20,050 Oh, right. It's a leap year. 172 00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,570 Well, it's going to be hard then, 173 00:09:21,620 --> 00:09:24,650 putting Billy in the ground without me being there. But what can I do? 174 00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:27,290 There's reward money out for me, Spud -- did you know that? 175 00:09:27,340 --> 00:09:30,210 You tell that Teddy Williams -- if anything happens to me, 176 00:09:30,260 --> 00:09:31,850 I know who to come looking for. 177 00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:34,530 Look, if you could go to Billy's funeral, would you go? 178 00:09:34,580 --> 00:09:37,450 - Oh, I'd give anything to go. Anything. - Yeah? 179 00:09:37,500 --> 00:09:40,090 Well, there might be something we can do here, Shaky. 180 00:09:40,140 --> 00:09:42,810 Your Billy -- he fought in Aden, didn't he? 181 00:09:42,860 --> 00:09:44,690 Yeah. He's got medals and everything. 182 00:09:44,740 --> 00:09:47,280 He was mentioned in dispatches twice. 183 00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:50,210 'It had been a week since I'd left school 184 00:09:50,260 --> 00:09:52,330 'to start a hot romance with my teacher -- 185 00:09:52,380 --> 00:09:54,290 'the amazing Miss Blondel -- 186 00:09:54,340 --> 00:09:56,610 'but she'd made no attempt to contact me. 187 00:09:56,660 --> 00:09:58,650 'It was as if I'd imagined the whole thing.' 188 00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:00,610 Now, this is a photo. 189 00:10:00,660 --> 00:10:02,860 "Young man at a crossroads". 190 00:10:05,660 --> 00:10:08,090 Still interested in photography, Danny? 191 00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:09,740 Oh, yes, miss. 192 00:10:11,860 --> 00:10:14,730 I was just walking about, taking some shots. 193 00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:20,210 That was awkward, last week. 194 00:10:20,260 --> 00:10:21,730 What? 195 00:10:21,780 --> 00:10:25,570 You turning up at school and asking me to lunch in front of my class. 196 00:10:25,620 --> 00:10:27,090 I didn't mean nothing by it. 197 00:10:27,140 --> 00:10:30,180 I told you before, Danny -- school is out of bounds. 198 00:10:33,180 --> 00:10:36,570 Out here, of course, things are different. 199 00:10:36,620 --> 00:10:38,050 Oh, are they, miss? 200 00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:41,010 Yes. For a start I'm not "miss". 201 00:10:41,060 --> 00:10:42,930 I'm Louise, OK? 202 00:10:42,980 --> 00:10:45,290 - Hey, Danny. - Hello, Louise. - How do you do? 203 00:10:45,340 --> 00:10:46,810 Yeah, good. 204 00:10:50,380 --> 00:10:52,890 Your parents don't know you have left school, do they? 205 00:10:52,940 --> 00:10:54,300 Yeah. 206 00:10:55,900 --> 00:10:57,100 No. 207 00:10:59,140 --> 00:11:01,930 Did you come into school especially to see me? 208 00:11:01,980 --> 00:11:03,140 No. 209 00:11:05,300 --> 00:11:06,500 Yeah. 210 00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:11,300 Well, now that you're your own man... 211 00:11:14,220 --> 00:11:16,130 What are you doing on Saturday? 212 00:11:16,180 --> 00:11:18,130 Saturday? Er... Nothing. 213 00:11:18,180 --> 00:11:19,650 Why don't you come over? 214 00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:22,770 We can look through some of my photo albums. 215 00:11:22,820 --> 00:11:24,930 Stay over, if you like. 216 00:11:24,980 --> 00:11:27,780 - Stay over, where? - My place. 217 00:11:29,060 --> 00:11:30,600 Mark used to. 218 00:11:32,940 --> 00:11:35,010 Oh... Yeah, yeah. 219 00:11:35,060 --> 00:11:37,730 Yeah... Er, that would be... 220 00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:41,570 I'll take that as a "yes". See you there. 221 00:11:51,900 --> 00:11:54,250 'I've got three rather interesting items to show you 222 00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:55,930 'from the stolen goods list this week, 223 00:11:55,980 --> 00:11:58,810 'starting off with the break-in in Bethnal Green three weeks ago...' 224 00:11:58,860 --> 00:12:02,530 - Dad, there's someone here to see you. - Yeah? - It's a policeman. 225 00:12:02,580 --> 00:12:05,690 - All right, Kenny son? - All right, Spud? - She was panicking, then. 226 00:12:07,340 --> 00:12:10,210 Sit down, I just want to see what he's saying here. 227 00:12:10,260 --> 00:12:11,970 - Do you watch this? - Yeah. 228 00:12:12,020 --> 00:12:14,770 'So if anyone offers you cheap bottles of Chanel perfume 229 00:12:14,820 --> 00:12:17,690 'in the Croydon area, do please get in touch...' 230 00:12:17,740 --> 00:12:20,090 Do you know anything about that? Croydon? 231 00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:22,050 No, it's news to me. 232 00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:24,730 We've just had some of that "Taboo" come in -- 233 00:12:24,780 --> 00:12:26,730 you know, the old "Parfum De Toilet". 234 00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:30,140 Oh, yeah? That's a bit of a drop-off from Chanel, innit? 235 00:12:31,140 --> 00:12:33,690 How about this? 10,000 Embassy Tipped -- 236 00:12:33,740 --> 00:12:35,930 he was talking about those earlier, in Romford. 237 00:12:35,980 --> 00:12:37,290 Yeah, it does ring a bell. 238 00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:39,650 I'll have to have a little look in the old incident book. 239 00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:41,250 Well, keep them peeled, eh? 240 00:12:41,300 --> 00:12:44,570 - 'If you saw anything...' - You get some good tips off this programme. 241 00:12:44,620 --> 00:12:47,820 I shouldn't really drink on duty, but, er... I do. 242 00:12:49,660 --> 00:12:52,610 - So, what did you want, Spud? - I need a favour, Kenny. 243 00:12:52,660 --> 00:12:56,130 Shaky Young -- your lot still after him? 244 00:12:56,180 --> 00:12:59,850 Nah -- we're happy with him up in his sister's loft. 245 00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:03,090 - What? So you know where he is, then? - Blimey, Spud. Who don't? 246 00:13:03,140 --> 00:13:06,010 He's out of harm's way up there -- and what with Jeanie doing his meals, 247 00:13:06,060 --> 00:13:07,890 he's saving the nation 40 quid a week, eh? 248 00:13:07,940 --> 00:13:09,690 Yeah, I suppose. 249 00:13:09,740 --> 00:13:12,130 What if he was to turn up at his brother's funeral? 250 00:13:12,180 --> 00:13:13,330 What do you mean? 251 00:13:13,380 --> 00:13:16,010 Well, if he was to come down from the loft, go to the funeral, 252 00:13:16,060 --> 00:13:19,850 go straight back up afterwards -- would you be all right with that? 253 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,210 Yeah, if there was a drink in it. 254 00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:23,650 I'll sort you out, Ken. Always do, don't I? 255 00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:25,210 'A consignment of Teacher's Whisky 256 00:13:25,260 --> 00:13:27,690 'that never made it to its destination in Plumstead...' 257 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:30,580 There you are. You like Scotch, don't you? 258 00:13:40,580 --> 00:13:42,410 You pushing in again? 259 00:13:42,460 --> 00:13:44,610 What you going to do about it? 260 00:13:44,660 --> 00:13:46,890 Here, sorry I can't come to Sharon's wedding. 261 00:13:46,940 --> 00:13:49,130 Oh, well. You've got a good enough excuse -- 262 00:13:49,180 --> 00:13:51,890 can't be helped your Sandra's getting married the same day. 263 00:13:51,940 --> 00:13:54,530 - That's fate, mate. - So, you forgive me? 264 00:13:54,580 --> 00:13:56,730 You can have the last bit of gammon. 265 00:13:56,780 --> 00:13:58,770 Go on, then. You're forgiven. 266 00:13:58,820 --> 00:14:00,410 How's all the arrangements going? 267 00:14:00,460 --> 00:14:04,210 Yeah, fine, Keith. 216 coming. 268 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:07,970 - Just got to find the money to pay for it, now. - We got 46. 269 00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:09,890 Sounds like I come off light. 270 00:14:09,940 --> 00:14:12,140 - That include Marion? - No. 271 00:14:12,900 --> 00:14:15,650 No, she still don't want nothing to do with me and Sandra. 272 00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:17,130 - Oh. - Oh, it's all right. 273 00:14:17,180 --> 00:14:21,250 Sometimes, I wish I had someone there for all the feminine stuff. 274 00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:24,290 You know, them centrepiece thingies for the tables, 275 00:14:24,340 --> 00:14:25,690 place settings and that -- 276 00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:29,650 I try me best, but what do blokes know about cake ribbons? 277 00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:33,140 Oh, that's the fun part, Keith. I love all that sort of stuff. 278 00:14:34,900 --> 00:14:37,170 I'll give you a hand with it, if you want. 279 00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:40,300 - Are you being serious? - Yeah, yeah, if it'd help you out. 280 00:14:42,260 --> 00:14:44,740 Oi, don't you go getting me fat! 281 00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:06,210 Oh, hi. 282 00:15:07,780 --> 00:15:09,120 Come in. 283 00:15:20,740 --> 00:15:22,050 Oh, yeah. This is great. 284 00:15:22,100 --> 00:15:25,540 Thank you. Sit down -- I've done us some lunch. 285 00:15:27,820 --> 00:15:29,090 Dinner! 286 00:15:32,460 --> 00:15:34,690 'I'd landed on another planet -- 287 00:15:34,740 --> 00:15:38,300 'as far away from Pyrex and Formica as I could possibly get. 288 00:15:43,260 --> 00:15:44,890 'It felt a bit intimidating, 289 00:15:44,940 --> 00:15:48,660 'but I was determined to show this was absolutely my scene.' 290 00:15:55,940 --> 00:15:58,810 Oh, is that OK for you there? 291 00:15:58,860 --> 00:16:01,090 Oh, yes. I'm not shocked. 292 00:16:01,140 --> 00:16:02,930 By what? 293 00:16:02,980 --> 00:16:04,450 I've had marijuana before. 294 00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:07,690 - 'I hadn't.' - Marijuana? Is that what it is? 295 00:16:07,740 --> 00:16:11,050 Yeah -- dope, you know? Junk. 296 00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:13,860 It's a joss stick. It's an air freshener. 297 00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:17,210 It's... It's not in a tin? 298 00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:21,100 - Your plate. - Thanks. 299 00:16:28,660 --> 00:16:31,180 - Et voila. - Thanks a lot. 300 00:16:34,140 --> 00:16:37,580 'Well, I'd never seen an arrangement like this in my life.' 301 00:16:40,220 --> 00:16:42,090 - Cheers. - Cheers. 302 00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:48,860 Mmm. 303 00:16:51,180 --> 00:16:53,610 'I thought the bread and cheese was fine -- 304 00:16:53,660 --> 00:16:56,200 'I could make that into a sandwich... 305 00:16:57,860 --> 00:16:59,970 '.. but what was the apple doing there?' 306 00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:02,290 Are you not having any apple? 307 00:17:02,340 --> 00:17:04,740 Oh... I didn't see that there. 308 00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:15,050 Pissing hell, Jean -- how much longer? 309 00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,490 Took him half an hour 310 00:17:16,540 --> 00:17:19,130 to get down the first three rungs of the ladder this morning. 311 00:17:19,180 --> 00:17:22,170 - Your problem is, you let him have... - Go! Go! Go! Go! 312 00:17:22,220 --> 00:17:25,530 "Go-go-go"? We've been standing here 20 minutes. 313 00:17:28,780 --> 00:17:30,220 Go! Go! 314 00:17:31,620 --> 00:17:32,890 Go! Go! 315 00:17:36,820 --> 00:17:38,850 What's the best way from here, Freddie? 316 00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:40,930 Er... Well, I'd go up Stitchbury Lane, 317 00:17:40,980 --> 00:17:44,250 - turn right at the Grapes on the corner. - Go! Go! 318 00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:45,850 The Grapes? Which one's that? 319 00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:48,490 You know, the Grapes -- Sid Harris used to have it. 320 00:17:48,540 --> 00:17:51,410 Used to be the Horn of Plenty? His wife left him for a Turk. 321 00:17:51,460 --> 00:17:52,900 Go, go! 322 00:17:54,220 --> 00:17:57,050 - He's in Marbella, now. - Shut up... 323 00:17:57,100 --> 00:17:58,810 No, he went over there. 324 00:17:58,860 --> 00:18:01,800 - Opened a place about two years ago... - Go! 325 00:18:28,180 --> 00:18:29,610 I can't see any Old Bill, Spud. 326 00:18:29,660 --> 00:18:31,650 No, that's cos I've thrown them off the scent. 327 00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:33,570 He's told them I'm in Argentina. 328 00:18:33,620 --> 00:18:35,010 They've got half the Met out, 329 00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:37,330 covering all the airports, waiting for me to fly in -- 330 00:18:37,380 --> 00:18:39,650 and I'm here all along! Genius. 331 00:18:45,260 --> 00:18:47,850 What's this Teddy Williams look like? 332 00:18:47,900 --> 00:18:50,410 I guarantee he won't be here. 333 00:18:50,460 --> 00:18:53,450 I like it, Spud. Wide open space, plenty of people... 334 00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:55,810 A funeral, the perfect cover. 335 00:18:55,860 --> 00:18:58,930 It is a funeral. They're putting your brother down the hole. 336 00:18:58,980 --> 00:19:01,370 Perfect. 337 00:19:01,420 --> 00:19:02,650 Argentina? 338 00:19:02,700 --> 00:19:04,250 Don't knock it. 339 00:19:04,300 --> 00:19:07,210 He goes to the funeral, I get Billy's war record -- 340 00:19:07,260 --> 00:19:08,690 we all go home happy. 341 00:19:08,740 --> 00:19:10,050 All right, Spud? 342 00:19:10,100 --> 00:19:13,130 All right, Kenny. Come to pay your respects? 343 00:19:13,180 --> 00:19:15,530 Nah, come to pick up my Scotch. 344 00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:17,250 It's in the boot of the car. 345 00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:18,770 Let's get this done first, eh? 346 00:19:18,820 --> 00:19:20,730 All right. Remember, when all this is over, 347 00:19:20,780 --> 00:19:23,410 I want him straight back up in that attic. Right? 348 00:19:23,460 --> 00:19:27,420 - Don't worry, he's a good boy. - .. In Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. 349 00:19:29,940 --> 00:19:32,250 - All right, mate? - Yeah. 350 00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:33,840 Hello, Shaky. 351 00:19:35,180 --> 00:19:36,770 Hello, Shaky. 352 00:19:36,820 --> 00:19:40,570 - Coo-ee, Shaky! - -- Hello, Shaky. - -- How you doing, Shaky? 353 00:19:40,620 --> 00:19:43,130 I think they think you're Shaky. 354 00:19:43,180 --> 00:19:45,290 Yeah... 355 00:19:45,340 --> 00:19:48,090 Bloody hell, Barb's here! 356 00:19:48,140 --> 00:19:50,680 - Who? - Barbara. My little Barb... 357 00:19:51,740 --> 00:19:54,260 All right, Shaky? Hello, Shaky. 358 00:19:55,860 --> 00:19:58,290 - Hello, Shaky. - It's me -- Shaky! 359 00:19:58,340 --> 00:20:01,370 Well, I didn't think it was Billy. How are you, sexy? 360 00:20:01,420 --> 00:20:04,610 - All right. What are you doing here? - I wanted to see you again, didn't I? 361 00:20:04,660 --> 00:20:06,610 It's been a long time, Shaky. 362 00:20:06,660 --> 00:20:09,250 And I'm a single woman again now -- got divorced last year. 363 00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:10,690 Finally. 364 00:20:10,740 --> 00:20:12,050 But how did you know I'd be here? 365 00:20:12,100 --> 00:20:15,010 - Everyone knew you was going to be here. - What do you mean, "everyone"? 366 00:20:15,060 --> 00:20:17,530 Well, I went to the Red Cow and they was all talking about it. 367 00:20:17,580 --> 00:20:20,730 And then, I went from there to the Lilliput and they was all talking about it. 368 00:20:20,780 --> 00:20:24,290 And then, I went up the Southwark Park Tavern and cos they was all talking about it, 369 00:20:24,340 --> 00:20:28,250 - I thought I might as well come and see you. - But everyone thinks I'm in Argentina... - Argentina? 370 00:20:28,300 --> 00:20:32,050 You ain't gone round the twist, up in Jeanie's loft, have you? 371 00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:34,770 - What? You know about the loft? - Everyone knows about the loft. 372 00:20:34,820 --> 00:20:36,570 I mean, what is it -- 14 months, now? 373 00:20:36,620 --> 00:20:38,850 I was beginning to wonder if you was ever coming down. 374 00:20:38,900 --> 00:20:41,210 Oh, for fuck's sake! 375 00:20:41,260 --> 00:20:43,170 So, you all know where I've been? 376 00:20:43,220 --> 00:20:46,250 Yeah, course we do. 377 00:20:46,300 --> 00:20:47,770 This is choice. 378 00:20:47,820 --> 00:20:50,490 Go on, have a right good fucking laugh, everyone. 379 00:20:50,540 --> 00:20:52,690 It's only been 14 months of my life. 380 00:20:52,740 --> 00:20:55,050 Have a right good giggle. 381 00:20:55,100 --> 00:20:56,650 Why didn't you tell me, Spud? 382 00:20:56,700 --> 00:20:58,570 I tried, Shaky. I tried! 383 00:20:58,620 --> 00:21:01,330 Shaky on the run? Big laugh! 384 00:21:01,380 --> 00:21:03,450 You think I can't go on the run? 385 00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:04,730 Watch this! 386 00:21:04,780 --> 00:21:07,180 I'm Shaky Young! I'm Shaky Young! 387 00:21:08,340 --> 00:21:11,050 - I'm Shaky Young! - Steady on! 388 00:21:11,100 --> 00:21:14,380 - I'm Shaky Young! - You'd better go and get him, Spud. - Oh... 389 00:21:16,780 --> 00:21:18,690 Where's he going? 390 00:21:18,740 --> 00:21:21,820 - Shaky? Come back here! - No! 391 00:22:19,620 --> 00:22:22,160 Can you get me another glass, angel? 392 00:22:25,580 --> 00:22:29,050 'I'd always been reasonably confident with girls. 393 00:22:29,100 --> 00:22:30,890 'But this wasn't a girl.' 394 00:22:30,940 --> 00:22:34,610 - Danny Baker, are you trying to get me drunk? - No. 395 00:22:34,660 --> 00:22:36,610 'This was a woman -- 396 00:22:36,660 --> 00:22:40,690 'an experienced, proper, grown-up woman...' 397 00:22:42,020 --> 00:22:45,090 - Cat Stevens is so great, isn't he? - Yeah, he's terrific! 398 00:22:45,140 --> 00:22:49,260 '.. a woman who, at some point in the evening, had taken her drawers off.' 399 00:23:00,180 --> 00:23:02,020 What was that? 400 00:23:05,060 --> 00:23:07,610 'Right, remember my brother's hand grenade? 401 00:23:07,660 --> 00:23:11,010 'Well, earlier that week, he did give it back, like Mum had asked, 402 00:23:11,060 --> 00:23:13,010 'to his mate, Peter Tulloch.' 403 00:23:13,060 --> 00:23:15,130 Come on, you. Up you get.. 404 00:23:15,660 --> 00:23:16,890 What's that? 405 00:23:16,940 --> 00:23:18,410 Oh, it's all right, it's a dud. 406 00:23:18,460 --> 00:23:21,610 - I don't give a monkey's. I don't want in the house. - Mum, I've just told you... 407 00:23:21,660 --> 00:23:25,060 Bleeding bomb in the house -- what's it coming to, eh? 408 00:23:25,980 --> 00:23:27,410 'Now, apparently, 409 00:23:27,460 --> 00:23:30,570 'compost undergoes a chemical reaction as it starts to rot. 410 00:23:30,620 --> 00:23:32,610 'It can actually get quite hot. 411 00:23:32,660 --> 00:23:35,010 'So, if you drop it on top of a hand grenade 412 00:23:35,060 --> 00:23:37,730 'that everyone thinks is a dud, but actually isn't, 413 00:23:37,780 --> 00:23:40,180 'well, after a couple of days...' 414 00:23:45,580 --> 00:23:47,290 What the bastard hell was that? 415 00:23:47,340 --> 00:23:49,130 Spud! We're under attack! 416 00:23:49,180 --> 00:23:52,250 Shaky! I've been looking for you all night -- where you been? 417 00:23:52,300 --> 00:23:54,610 Sorry, mate. It all got on top of me. 418 00:23:54,660 --> 00:23:56,930 I suppose I just cracked up... 419 00:23:58,380 --> 00:24:01,610 - It's aliens! - Aliens? 420 00:24:01,660 --> 00:24:04,050 That's number 52. 421 00:24:04,100 --> 00:24:06,040 That's the Tullochs'... 422 00:24:07,100 --> 00:24:09,090 Seems to be from over your way. 423 00:24:09,140 --> 00:24:11,140 Yeah, yeah, it does. 424 00:24:12,180 --> 00:24:14,180 Listen, I'm going to go. 425 00:24:17,300 --> 00:24:20,330 Yes... maybe you should. 426 00:24:20,380 --> 00:24:22,090 'It's possible the whole thing 427 00:24:22,140 --> 00:24:25,330 'had been a big game of bluff on her part. 428 00:24:25,380 --> 00:24:28,490 'But as I retreated, tail between my legs, 429 00:24:28,540 --> 00:24:31,370 'I realised that where sex education was concerned, 430 00:24:31,420 --> 00:24:33,690 'it was back to school for me.' 431 00:24:35,580 --> 00:24:38,810 I kept on knocking, but there's nobody in. 432 00:24:38,860 --> 00:24:42,570 Don't know where Bet is. She should have been well home by now. 433 00:24:42,620 --> 00:24:45,130 I've made a right idiot of myself, ain't I, Spud? 434 00:24:45,180 --> 00:24:47,570 Nah, nah. No more than Benny Warriss. 435 00:24:47,620 --> 00:24:49,370 Did you hear about that? 436 00:24:49,420 --> 00:24:52,250 Jumped over the wall at Parkhurst, straight into an open sewer. 437 00:24:52,300 --> 00:24:55,500 They stuck him in solitary, just cos of the smell. 438 00:24:56,140 --> 00:24:58,490 - Hello! - Oh, she's here now. 439 00:24:58,540 --> 00:25:01,970 Oh, hello, Shaky -- shouldn't you be back up in your penthouse? 440 00:25:02,020 --> 00:25:05,450 Well, you can have too much of a good thing, Bet. 441 00:25:05,500 --> 00:25:07,450 Where have you been? 442 00:25:07,500 --> 00:25:10,330 - I told you -- I was on lates. - You said you were on earlies. 443 00:25:10,380 --> 00:25:12,210 No, lates. I said lates. 444 00:25:12,260 --> 00:25:14,450 But you went out early this morning. 445 00:25:14,500 --> 00:25:16,930 Yeah, well, I had to go and get me hair done -- 446 00:25:16,980 --> 00:25:19,010 but they couldn't fit me in, so... 447 00:25:19,060 --> 00:25:21,410 Anyway, I'm knackered. I'm going to go straight up. 448 00:25:21,460 --> 00:25:23,810 - Night, Shaky. - Night, Bet. - See you in a bit. 449 00:25:23,860 --> 00:25:26,290 - All right if I kip on your settee, Spud? - Yeah. 450 00:25:26,340 --> 00:25:28,880 I'll turn meself in in the morning... 451 00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:32,490 Shaky? Dropped your wallet. 452 00:25:32,540 --> 00:25:34,280 Oh, cheers, Spud. 453 00:25:35,020 --> 00:25:37,930 Here, I've had an idea. 454 00:25:37,980 --> 00:25:40,490 Instead of you turning yourself in tomorrow, 455 00:25:40,540 --> 00:25:42,370 what if I was to do it? 456 00:25:42,420 --> 00:25:44,010 Eh? 457 00:25:51,980 --> 00:25:54,570 - Hello, Spud! Come and sit here. - Are you sure? 458 00:25:54,620 --> 00:25:57,050 Yeah, I'm just going, you can have him all to yourself. 459 00:25:57,100 --> 00:26:01,450 - Bye, darling. See you next week. - See you later, darling. 460 00:26:01,500 --> 00:26:04,570 - See you, Barbara. - Yeah, bye, darling. - Mind how you go. 461 00:26:04,620 --> 00:26:06,130 So, have you settled in? 462 00:26:06,180 --> 00:26:08,650 I'm struggling to get used to all this open space, Spud. 463 00:26:08,700 --> 00:26:11,370 Have to get yourself a dog -- take it for walks round E Wing. 464 00:26:11,420 --> 00:26:13,050 Did you collect the reward money yet? 465 00:26:13,100 --> 00:26:14,610 Yeah, picked it up this morning. 466 00:26:14,660 --> 00:26:17,170 They were fucking furious! 467 00:26:17,220 --> 00:26:21,130 Nothing they can do, though -- I was the one that brought you in. 468 00:26:21,180 --> 00:26:22,970 Two and a half grand round to Jeanie's -- 469 00:26:23,020 --> 00:26:25,570 - I kept a monkey for meself, right? - And you're happy with that? 470 00:26:25,620 --> 00:26:28,850 I was happy with the war record. Thanks very much for that, by the way. 471 00:26:28,900 --> 00:26:31,410 So, you and Barbara, you're... you're back on, are you? 472 00:26:31,460 --> 00:26:33,090 - Oh, she's an angel. - That's nice. 473 00:26:33,140 --> 00:26:35,050 What you got -- three months left, is it? 474 00:26:35,100 --> 00:26:38,100 - Three days. - What do you mean, "three days"? 475 00:26:39,420 --> 00:26:41,090 I'm having it on me toes again. 476 00:26:41,140 --> 00:26:43,290 - What? - Well, this reward money stroke. 477 00:26:43,340 --> 00:26:46,250 If it works once, it can work again and again. 478 00:26:46,300 --> 00:26:48,210 But you can't go back up Jeanie's attic! 479 00:26:48,260 --> 00:26:50,800 Never you mind about Jeanie's attic. 480 00:26:51,100 --> 00:26:53,260 Barbara -- she's got a cellar!