1
00:00:05,560 --> 00:00:09,200
♪ They say time will wait for no man

2
00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:14,080
♪ They say time is on my side

3
00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:18,910
♪ I can never make my mind up

4
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:22,150
♪ As it all goes whizzing by

5
00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:25,230
♪ From the cradle to the grave

6
00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:30,350
- ♪ From the cradle to the grave
- I know I won't be a slave

7
00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:35,230
- ♪ I know I won't be a slave
- To the mistakes that I made

8
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:39,790
- ♪ From the cradle
- I won't go till I'm ready

9
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,310
♪ From the cradle to the grave. ♪

10
00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:45,430
After 20 years in the docks,

11
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,870
it was time for a fresh
start for my old man.

12
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,670
♪ We're the soldiers of the Queen, my lads

13
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:54,590
♪ Who've been, my lads
Who've seen, my lads... ♪

14
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,310
He was going to join The Royal
Division of Commissionaires.

15
00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:00,190
♪ In the fight for England's glory, lads

16
00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:03,030
♪ When we've had to show them what we mean

17
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:05,390
♪ And when we say we've always won... ♪

18
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,310
Oh, I do love a man in uniform.

19
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,190
My Wally was, first time I met him.

20
00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:11,750
Yeah, Fred was as well, as it happens.

21
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,510
What, fighting Hitler?

22
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,660
No, he was on the run
from the military police.

23
00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:22,910
Squad, halt!

24
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:25,070
Stand at ease!

25
00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:26,310
Stand easy.

26
00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:28,870
Present arms!

27
00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:42,120
Quick march! Up, left, left, left, left.

28
00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:48,790
Does the City of London know
what it's letting itself in for

29
00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:50,230
with our lads? Blimey!

30
00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:51,950
Come on, drink up, everyone!

31
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,950
It's going to last all
week, this leavin' do.

32
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,990
Leave somethin' for my wedding, Dad!

33
00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,950
You know what your father's
like -- does nothin' by halves.

34
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,870
But amidst all the skimmish

35
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:05,430
and skirmish, there was one person
who wasn't having a good time. Me.

36
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:08,350
Having made a complete lake
of myself over the fabulous

37
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:12,670
Miss Blondel, I had allowed the true
object of my desire to drift away.

38
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,510
Yvonne Speedie.

39
00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:17,870
In her own deluded way, she
had decided that Tony Gooche,

40
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:20,310
an apprentice butcher from the co-op,

41
00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:22,790
was more of a catch than
me -- an unemployed drop out

42
00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:25,550
pretending to his parents
he was still at school.

43
00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:29,950
Dan, this is Tina and Wendy.
They want to ask you something.

44
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,270
I know you're going to
think we're mad, right,

45
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:35,990
but we met him down the market
and he said that your brother...

46
00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:38,560
is David Essex. He's not, is he?

47
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:44,230
All the girls fancied David
Essex and it had been mentioned

48
00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:48,030
by a couple of my mates that
I did look a bit like him.

49
00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:49,830
♪ Jimmy Dean. ♪

50
00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:52,950
- My brother? - Yeah, cos nobody
likes him more than we do.

51
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:54,510
I'd marry him in, like, ten minutes.

52
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:56,670
Yeah, but I'd kill you
on your wedding day.

53
00:02:56,720 --> 00:02:59,400
Hey! So is he?

54
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:06,150
No. I promise, he definitely,
definitely ain't.

55
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,030
Oh, my God, he is! He is!

56
00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:09,790
Eh? How d'you figure that out?

57
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:12,710
Well, if you'd have said yeah,
then we'd have known he weren't.

58
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:14,390
So if this is a party for your dad,

59
00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:17,030
David Essex must be comin' too, yeah?

60
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:19,630
David Essex is not my brother.

61
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,350
Oh, my God, he's coming! He's coming!

62
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,360
Just sit down.

63
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:36,190
At that precise moment, nobody
knew where my actual brother,

64
00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:37,840
Michael, was.

65
00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:42,390
Worse still, neither did he,

66
00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:44,870
having decided that
tonight was going to be

67
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:48,230
the first in the Baker family to try LSD.

68
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:04,630
- Lackey. That's you now.
- No.

69
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:06,950
Hey, you're going to be a right toady,

70
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,910
you'll have to be, Spuddy boy.

71
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:10,310
Them city blokes'll shout

72
00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:12,870
- and you'll have to jump about
all over the place. - Will they?

73
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,750
Give it a couple of weeks, we'll
see who's working for who.

74
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:17,950
Everything goes through me, don't it?

75
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,550
All the people in and out,

76
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,190
all the parcels, all the mail.

77
00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:26,790
There's plenty room for scope,
don't you worry about that.

78
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:28,790
Spud! It's your boy on the phone.

79
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:33,110
Danny! Go and tell your bleeding
brother to get down here! Go!

80
00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:35,430
Let us talk to him after you!

81
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,230
- Hello.
- 'Danny?'

82
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,720
Hey, I'm in this fantastic
place, mate. But it's too big.

83
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:49,120
I don't know if I'm going to
be able to find me way out.

84
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:51,630
What shall I tell Dad?

85
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,150
Tell him...

86
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:56,320
It's all too beautiful!

87
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:03,640
'Wow. You should see this.

88
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:10,070
- 'Wow, it's like a moving space...'
- Yeah, all right, David.

89
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:12,310
If you're stuck in a recording studio,

90
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:14,900
there's nothing I can do, is there?

91
00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:17,390
OK, there's some people dyin' to meet you.

92
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,520
OK, bye, David.

93
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,150
Come on, hurry up.

94
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,390
I've got a call to make.
What you doing in there?

95
00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:29,350
He's just a bit busy to
make it down here tonight.

96
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,030
But, erm, now that you know, can
you keep it to yourself, do me

97
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,670
a favour? You know, my mum and
dad are just fed up with it all.

98
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,660
- Oh, I won't breathe a word.
- Brilliant.

99
00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:42,910
I promise. I haven't anyone to tell.

100
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,950
How about if I was his cousin?

101
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:48,270
Yeah, but you're not, are ya?

102
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:59,000
And so began one of the more
extraordinary episodes of my life.

103
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:09,000
One I'm ashamed to say I
exploited to the full.

104
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:19,070
Over in the City...

105
00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:21,550
Dad was facing his first day
on the straight and narrow.

106
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,350
Do they work this hard all the time?

107
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,070
- Yes.
- What for?

108
00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:27,630
To keep the company's
profits at a maximum!

109
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:28,830
What for?

110
00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:29,990
Good morning, sir.

111
00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:33,950
This is our new man on the front
desk, Lance Corporal William Young.

112
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:37,070
Mr Carter, this is... Fred.

113
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:38,750
Or Spud, don't matter to me.

114
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,350
I thought you said his name was William?

115
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,710
Never mind all that -- what do you do?

116
00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:45,950
Mr Carter is the office manager.

117
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,950
The youngest in the company's history.

118
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,350
You report to me.

119
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:51,630
Oh, yeah?

120
00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,950
I read in your military record
that you served in Aden?

121
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,150
Mentioned in dispatches twice.

122
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,830
What do you remember about
Aden from your time there?

123
00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,870
- I don't remember a lot about
it. I got blown up. - Blown up?

124
00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:04,750
Yeah, right up in the air.

125
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,670
Because my sister lives in Aden.

126
00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:10,120
Well, I don't think she had
anything to do with it.

127
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:22,510
I'm sorry to monopolise you again,
Bet. You seem to be spending

128
00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:25,790
more time on my Sandra's
wedding than your Sharon's.

129
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:27,580
Don't be so daft.

130
00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:33,830
I'll miss our little meetings when
this is all over -- it's not the same

131
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:37,320
having to share you with everyone
else in the canteen at work.

132
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:46,790
What's this?

133
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:49,240
My secret vice -- night fishing.

134
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:54,190
Since Marion left, it's given me
something to do of an evening.

135
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:59,110
You'd love it. Clear night, total
silence, moonlight on the lake

136
00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:02,150
and the chance of an eight-pound carp.

137
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:04,710
Huh. Well, I'll have to
take your word for that.

138
00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:06,630
I'll be two minutes.

139
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:19,550
Our local fishing tackle shop
was run by a bloke called Orrie.

140
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:23,390
He was a lovely fella, a real
character who, unfortunately,

141
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:25,590
suffered from... an affliction.

142
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:27,550
Hello, Keith, what can I get you?

143
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,710
- Pint of maggots, Orrie.
- Righto.

144
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,510
Now Dad hated fishing.

145
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:34,590
But his mate Wally Shaw
was obsessed with it.

146
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:36,670
Going to need some good 'uns tomorrow.

147
00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:38,150
Competition down in Tankerton.

148
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:43,230
Oh, the all-nighter? Lovely. Your
missus must be understanding.

149
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:45,350
I don't have a missus.

150
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,740
You can have mine if you want.

151
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:54,790
Now then, er, split shot, floats,
bag of hooks, pint of maggots...

152
00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:58,000
That'll be £2.10 and... FWAAAYYYY!

153
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,910
And before you go off tellin' everyone,

154
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:12,160
that's the first big one
I've done since January.

155
00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:22,240
Right. Back to the fascinating
world of seating plans.

156
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,630
- What's that?!
- It's all right.

157
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:28,270
What's that? What's that?
What's that? Oh, my good God!

158
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:29,990
- That's disgusting!
- It's all right.

159
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,840
Hang on... No, you're all right, hang on!

160
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:54,510
You know, as soon as you tell people
you are definitely, positively

161
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:58,350
not David Essex's brother, it's
funny how quickly word gets around.

162
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:01,230
Excuse me. Can you give
these to David Essex?

163
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:05,390
This is for him, and can
he read this and sign this?

164
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:06,830
I'm his cousin, you know.

165
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,990
Yeah, you know I'm not
actually his brother?

166
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:11,150
He is, he is!

167
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,390
I mean... I mean, I'm
definitely not his cousin.

168
00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:14,670
Oh, behave!

169
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:16,830
- Two strawberry milkshakes?
- Yeah.

170
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:20,950
'The attention was nice, but it
was really just a bit of a game.

171
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,000
'Until I met Heather.'

172
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:31,310
Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing.

173
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:33,950
I mean, I know you really look like him,

174
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,390
but are you David Essex's brother?

175
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:38,310
Me?

176
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:39,600
Yeah.

177
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:44,510
Yeah, I am.

178
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,070
Wow.

179
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:55,910
Dad had promised Mum he'd
make a go of his new job and --

180
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:59,110
to his credit -- he'd managed to
make it to lunchtime on day one.

181
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:02,950
Opens this door and there was
this cabinet full of brandy,

182
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,630
scotch, vodka, she says, "One
of your duties is to make

183
00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:08,390
"sure that these boardroom
decanters are always topped up."

184
00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:10,630
And I thought, "Never
mind the decanters, mate,

185
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:13,430
"I'll keep myself nice and
topped up, thank you very much."

186
00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,110
I did.

187
00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:17,150
I dunno, Spud. You gotta be careful, mate.

188
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:20,350
- It's a different game here.
- He's right, Spud, it's a different game.

189
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,470
Nah, nah, nah -- it's the same game, mate,

190
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,950
different turf, that's all. Same again?

191
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,470
Oh, er, I better bet getting back.

192
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,910
What the... Why?

193
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,070
I don't wanna be late first day, do I?

194
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:32,830
What's the matter with him?

195
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:34,270
Oh, sorry, mate.

196
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:36,150
He was always like that down the docks.

197
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:37,390
Whenever there was a strike,

198
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:39,710
that ponce was always the
first to vote to go back.

199
00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,270
No, nah, not you an all, Dickie?

200
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,150
It's my Mavis, Spud. I promised her.

201
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,830
I mean, what would Bet say if
you buggered this up first day?

202
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:49,390
My Bet would rather I be
me own man than cow-towed.

203
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:51,440
Mind how you go, Spud.

204
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:55,830
Come on, ladies, up you come,

205
00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:58,670
otherwise you'll be like the bloke
who missed the bus. Jobs on!

206
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,190
Can you hear me?

207
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,870
I'm saying, which are the King Edwards

208
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,230
and which are the Maris Piper?

209
00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:07,910
My actual brother was
still enthusiastically --

210
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:11,480
if recklessly -- continuing his
exploration of inner space.

211
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:15,270
The Navajo. They gave us potatoes.

212
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:17,670
I don't care if you got 'em
from bleedin' Geronimo,

213
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:20,260
I want three pound of Maris Pipers.

214
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:39,190
What on earth are you doing?

215
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:40,910
Micky! What...?

216
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,300
Oh, no.

217
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:47,640
I've only gone and turned
into a bloody snail, ain't I?

218
00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:55,870
I'd asked Heather out to see
David Essex's latest film.

219
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,590
And I'd had a brain
wave about the tickets.

220
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:03,870
♪ Hold me close, don't let me go

221
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:06,150
♪ Oh, no. ♪

222
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:07,590
Where have you been?

223
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:08,710
Me dinner.

224
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:09,990
Dinner? You mean lunch.

225
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,430
- No, I mean me dinner.
- So what do you have in the evenings?

226
00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:13,870
- Tea.
- Tea? So what do you drink?

227
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:17,220
That's very nice of you,
I'll have a large brandy.

228
00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:20,270
I'm not happy with your attitude, Young.

229
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:23,150
I've had underwriters on the
phone still waiting for their

230
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:26,030
12.00 mail, people walking
around without the proper permits.

231
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,990
No paper towels in the gents' toilet.

232
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,350
You ought to take a leaf out
of your predecessor's book.

233
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,790
When I gave him an
order, he carried it out.

234
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:35,670
They'll be carrying you out in a minute.

235
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:37,520
I beg your pardon.

236
00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:40,510
Who do you think you are?

237
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,350
- Now you look here, my man...
- Your man?

238
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:43,750
Let's get one thing straight.

239
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:45,990
You might be wearing a
uniform, but you are nothing

240
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:48,110
but a glorified doorman.
Do you understand?

241
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:51,400
If I've got an errand I need you
to run, you bloody well run it!

242
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:56,350
Right, I tell you what.

243
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,990
Could I have a word with you
in private, please, Mr Carter?

244
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,590
You've turned into a maniac!

245
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:04,150
- And you're about to
turn into Superman. - What?

246
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,950
Cos in a minute you'll be
flying out that fucking window.

247
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,150
Don't you ever talk to me like that again,

248
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:10,950
and in front of all them young girls!

249
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:12,390
Fred! Let him go!

250
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:13,870
Mr Launchberry, this is anarchy!

251
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,060
No.

252
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:18,300
This is bollocks.

253
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,260
Fred! Where are you going?

254
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:28,880
Oo-oo!

255
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:32,470
Hello.

256
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:35,310
Wasn't expecting you back
so early. How'd it go?

257
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,470
Want a bacon sandwich?

258
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,830
I run into Smithfield Smutty down
the market, got a pile of bacon.

259
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,830
- No, thanks. - I'll
have one. - Here you are.

260
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:45,750
Here, haven't you got a wedding
dress to be fitting in to?

261
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,310
I'm not havin' sauce on it.

262
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:49,470
Oh, well that's all right, then.

263
00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:51,590
So, how did it go?

264
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:53,310
I jacked it in.

265
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:55,580
Eh?

266
00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:00,710
Nah, just windin' you up.
You should see your face.

267
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:02,150
Ohhh!

268
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,870
No, I was, er, just being
shown the ropes today.

269
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,910
Half day, you know, first day and that.

270
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,830
Oh, thank God, I thought you were serious.

271
00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,270
Don't do that to me again, you rotten sod.

272
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:12,470
No, it's going all right.

273
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:15,190
Take a bit of getting used to, though.

274
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,230
Good, where's Danny?

275
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:19,470
Don't think he's home yet.

276
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:22,070
Too busy tryin' to convince
some poor cow down the caf

277
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,590
that he's David Essex's brother.

278
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,950
Is that why he's started
dressing like a pikey?

279
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:29,110
This Donny Essex, does he
work up at the fairground?

280
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:30,990
He's a pop star, Dad.

281
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,430
He's got an earring.

282
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:34,070
I think Danny's going to get one.

283
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,860
Oh, is he? His mother'll help him pack.

284
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,990
- Right, come on then,
you, get 'em off. - What?

285
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,710
I'll press it for tomorrow.

286
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,430
Oh, I thought my luck was in then.

287
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:45,990
Where's your cap?

288
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,980
I threw it at some bloke
when I walked out.

289
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:53,230
Here, Sissy Painter says if you
do well in a job like this,

290
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:55,550
they keep you on for life.

291
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:59,320
Yeah, well, let's just
see how it goes, eh.

292
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:03,310
'Living a double life wasn't easy for Dad.

293
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:05,830
'Whereas by now, I was an old hand.'

294
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:08,220
- See you, Dad.
- Yeah! Yeah!

295
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:17,830
Back in his civvies, with a
good breakfast inside him,

296
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,190
Dad headed straight for his favourite

297
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:21,990
bookies in Rotherhithe New Road.

298
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,790
Unfortunately, his route
took him down Silwood Street,

299
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,830
where he ran into the only other
person in the world, apart

300
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:31,150
from my mum, that he definitely
did not want to see that day.

301
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:32,710
Spud! Oi, Spud!

302
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,270
Buckle Eyed Bill Pitts.

303
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:37,550
Dad was firmly of the opinion that
if you looked a boss-eyed bloke

304
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:40,030
in the face before a bet,
it brought you bad luck.

305
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,510
- Well, look, I just want a quick
word with you. - No, not now!

306
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:45,110
I'm sure you can see two of me.
Have a word with the other one.

307
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:48,310
I can get hold of some Hoovers and
some hairdryers, you interested?

308
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:50,190
No, I'm not. Stay indoors!

309
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:53,150
Dad and Buckle went through
the same pantomime every time

310
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,070
they saw each other.

311
00:16:56,560 --> 00:17:00,950
Oi! Oi! Oi! What you doin'?
How come you're not at school?

312
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:02,870
The, erm, the fire alarm went off.

313
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:05,550
Fire alarms? I'll give you fire alarms.

314
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,670
You're hoppin' it, ain't
ya? And I've caught you.

315
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:11,750
When you go in tomorrow, don't ask
for a note from me or your mother.

316
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:13,270
Oh! Dad...

317
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:16,100
I've left school.

318
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,110
Left school? When?

319
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:22,110
Ages ago. I been too scared to tell you.

320
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:25,150
So what you been doin' with
yourself? Walking the streets?

321
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:28,710
Your mother is going to go
potty. Where's your uniform?

322
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:32,310
- In here. - In there?
That's deception, that is.

323
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:35,710
That's against the law --
failure to maintain yourself.

324
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:37,230
What you going to do?

325
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:38,510
Photography?

326
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:40,670
Fuckin' photography. Huh!

327
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:43,070
I don't know what's happening
to you, I really don't!

328
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:45,950
I have nightmares, nightmares
you're going to wind up

329
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,190
workin' in a women's shoe shop.

330
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,630
- Dad?
- What?

331
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,880
Well, where's your uniform?

332
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:58,400
Oh, bollocks.

333
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,790
Come on, let's go and have a drink.

334
00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:04,630
A drink. What, like in a pub?

335
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:07,670
Yeah. Well you've left
school now, ain't ya?

336
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,510
You're a funny kid, you are,
God knows where you get it.

337
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:14,070
- Spud! - Fuck off, Baxter, don't
look at him, son. Don't look at him!

338
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:15,720
Stay indoors!

339
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:21,280
Come on, Micky, how long you
going to stare at them boxes?

340
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,830
Woman here wants two dozen golden plums.

341
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:27,820
All right, all right.

342
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:32,230
Golden plums.

343
00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:34,830
Jesus Christ!

344
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,620
He'll be all right. Whoa, it's his eye!

345
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:45,480
All right, good day at
school. History was good.

346
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:50,280
And geography.

347
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,460
I've got some homework to do, so...

348
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,920
♪ Rock and roll me all night long, babe. ♪

349
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,070
All right!

350
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:14,120
Well, I've not had a bad day, got
to know a few of 'em a bit better.

351
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:18,040
The guv'nor seems like a nice bloke.

352
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:22,150
This guv'nor -- did he
give you any good tips?

353
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:23,350
Eh?

354
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,390
For the horses?

355
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,990
Cos the only person you've seen
today is Buckle-Eyed Bill Pitts

356
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:32,030
- on the way to the betting
shop. He told me. - Nah.

357
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,510
I've... I've... I've been at work all day.

358
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:35,760
Yeah?

359
00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:40,230
So what do you need a
change of clothes for?

360
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:44,030
I knew it, boss-eyed blokes
-- always poxy bad luck!

361
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:47,020
This has got nothing
to do with luck, Fred.

362
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:51,350
I wasn't even there ten minutes and
I knew I wasn't cut out for it.

363
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:55,390
They said I was a glorified
doorman. The lowest of the low.

364
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:57,030
Me, a doorman!

365
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:58,910
So why all this pantomime today?

366
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,800
I tried to tell you last night, but...

367
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,640
You just looked... heartbroken.

368
00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:10,280
I am heartbroken. Now.

369
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:15,560
The way you lied to me. And
creeping around behind my back?

370
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,790
And now we're back at square one.

371
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:22,710
All your dock money's gone
on this... this wedding

372
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:26,440
we've got hurtling towards
us, and then we going to do?

373
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,950
This was our chance to get straight.

374
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,740
Proper job, Fred.

375
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:33,830
You had a proper job.

376
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,910
- Let me tell you about that proper...
- No, don't tell me nothin'

377
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:40,150
cos it'll all be balls, won't
it? Cos that's what you do.

378
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,200
Treat me with contempt.

379
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,710
- Mum.
- Danny, not now.

380
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:47,160
I haven't been going to school.

381
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,510
I left three weeks ago.

382
00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:51,670
(Fucking hell!)

383
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:53,590
Sorry I lied to you.

384
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:57,720
I'll be back late tonight.

385
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:00,950
Bye.

386
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,200
Bye.

387
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,110
Where you goin'?

388
00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:17,900
What's it matter?

389
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:21,230
Cos soon as anyone walks
through that door, it's just

390
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,220
all a mystery, innit?

391
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:27,030
I'll see you in the morning.

392
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:29,950
The morning? What do you mean the morning?

393
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,150
The phone's back on.

394
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,740
At least that's a bit of good news.

395
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:43,270
Hello?

396
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:49,750
You what? When?

397
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:54,520
His eyes -- what you
talkin' about, his eyes?

398
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:58,990
No, no, no, don't! I'm comin'
up, right. I'm comin' up.

399
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:00,240
Bet!

400
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:02,920
Bet!

401
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:05,720
Bet!

402
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:08,520
BET!

403
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:37,390
Hello.

404
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,550
Hello.

405
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:41,390
Joan? It's Fred.

406
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,180
Is Bet with you?

407
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:47,020
No, no, I've tried there.

408
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:49,230
And there.

409
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,300
And there. Yeah!

410
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:56,390
♪ I'm gonna make you a star... ♪

411
00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:59,870
So I was officially going out
with the best looking girl that I

412
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:04,120
or any of my mates had ever seen.
And now, it was back to her place.

413
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:12,840
Will I do it?

414
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:20,630
- Louise?
- 'Heather?'

415
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:22,270
It's me. Guess who I'm with!

416
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:24,550
- 'Who?'
- David Essex's brother.

417
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:26,070
- 'No!'
- Here, say hello.

418
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,990
'Oh, my God! Hello?'

419
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,630
- Hello? - 'Are you really
David Essex's brother?'

420
00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,190
Yeah. Yes, I am.

421
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,110
- 'Can you say hello to him for me?'
- Yes, I will.

422
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:38,030
'What is his favourite food?'

423
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:42,190
Er... Steak and chips, but
he does like fish fingers too.

424
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:43,910
'I like fish fingers.'

425
00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:47,470
See, I told you. I'll call you tomorrow.

426
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:51,910
Well, now that's done.
Shall we go back to yours?

427
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:55,840
Not yet -- I've got a load more
people I want you to speak to first.

428
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:10,030
- Hello, brother Baker.
- Hello, Spud, you all right?

429
00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:12,590
Allow me to furnish you with
some strong water. Sit, sit.

430
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:14,070
No, you're all right, Bill.

431
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,270
- On your own, Fred?
- You haven't see Bet, have you?

432
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:19,070
- No. What's the matter?
- I haven't spoken to her since yesterday.

433
00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:21,430
- You all right?
- No, it's Michael, he's in the hospital.

434
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:23,470
He's put his eye out.

435
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:26,270
Yeah, I need to find her, I've
looked everywhere I could think of.

436
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:27,750
Oh, my goodness... Er, pictures?

437
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,830
No, she wouldn't go on her own. She
said she might be out all night.

438
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,190
- All night?
- Oh, we had a row or something.

439
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:35,110
Erm, where's she going to go all night?

440
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:36,830
Look, ask around for us, will you?

441
00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:38,470
I'm going to shoot round her sister's.

442
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,830
If she turns up, Michael's
in the Royal Eye Hospital.

443
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:42,190
OK, all right.

444
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:45,040
- Frank, have you seen Bet?
- No, mate.

445
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:49,870
- Hope he's all right.
- Me too.

446
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:53,910
Spud!

447
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:55,160
What?

448
00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:58,520
What?

449
00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:01,860
I know where she might be.

450
00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:05,950
Do you mind?

451
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,600
Get out of it!

452
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:11,400
What am I doing out
here? I must be puggled!

453
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,600
Fishing, I'll give you fishing.

454
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:19,270
Come on, where are the pair of you?

455
00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:21,630
Can't you see there's a
competition in progress?

456
00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:24,270
If it's a competition to
see who gets a right-hander,

457
00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:26,910
you're going to win it, mate.

458
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:29,470
Fuck you, Wally, and your hunches.

459
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:31,830
Come all the way out here for nothing.

460
00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:33,080
Fred?

461
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:35,630
Bet?

462
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:38,870
I don't believe it. What the
bleedin' 'ell are you doing here?

463
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:41,310
Getting some peace and quiet.

464
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:42,590
Hello, Fred.

465
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,630
- "Hello, Fred?"
- Let's not be silly.

466
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:47,630
I hope you can swim, mate, cos
you're going straight in that drink

467
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:50,390
- when I get hold of you.
- Fred, nobody's getting hold of anybody.

468
00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:53,870
I should hope not -- but you'd
know about that, Bet, wouldn't you?

469
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,030
Well, I couldn't stay indoors no more.

470
00:25:56,080 --> 00:26:00,150
You are driving me mad,
Fred, everything is.

471
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:01,270
We were just fishing...

472
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:02,910
Can't you deal with this in private?

473
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:06,160
I'll deal with you in
private in a minute, mate.

474
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:08,870
Keith, where are you going?

475
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:10,990
This isn't my thing. I'm sorry.

476
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:12,390
We've done nothing wrong!

477
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:14,110
I've done nothing wrong, Fred.

478
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:16,190
Get, you long streak of piss!

479
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:19,430
Answer me this, what's
the attraction to him?

480
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:21,480
What is all this about?

481
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:27,070
Well, answer me.

482
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:29,270
I am answering you, Fred.

483
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:31,110
What?

484
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:34,230
He listens, get it?

485
00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:36,710
He listens to me.

486
00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:39,430
Yeah, well...

487
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:42,030
Michael's in hospital.

488
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,350
- What? - You can do what you fuckin'
want, but our boy's in hospital.

489
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:47,030
What's the matter with him?

490
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:50,670
- They reckon he's lost his eye.
- Oh, God! When?

491
00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:52,150
This afternoon.

492
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:54,910
Oh, my good God! I've got to get there.

493
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:58,350
Yeah, I tried to find you earlier.

494
00:26:58,400 --> 00:26:59,870
But you'd gone fishing.

495
00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:01,430
Where are you parked?

496
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:03,870
Huh! I thought you'd
be going home with him!

497
00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:06,950
Well, I shall tell the hospital
he can have one of my eyes.

498
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,670
Michael can have one of my eyes!

499
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:11,030
If he's having anyone's
eye, he's having mine.

500
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,020
- Oh, God!
- My eye!

501
00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:18,030
Are you sure your parents won't be awake?

502
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:21,200
No. They go to bed at ten
every night. It's fine.

503
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:28,150
I plan these things very carefully.

504
00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:45,830
Come here!

505
00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:49,590
Heather.

506
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:50,840
Oh...

507
00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:55,590
Are you Danny?

508
00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:57,630
Yeah. We were just...

509
00:27:57,680 --> 00:28:00,790
Your sister called. Your
brother's had an accident.

510
00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:02,590
What? Is it bad?

511
00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:05,790
He's at the London Eye
Hospital. I think it's serious.

512
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:08,390
Er... OK! I'm going to have to go.

513
00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:10,640
Um... I'll see you. Thanks.

514
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:14,080
Poor boy.

515
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:18,080
David Essex is in the hospital!

516
00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:24,230
♪ They say time'll wait for no man

517
00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:29,110
♪ They say time is on my side

518
00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:32,950
♪ I can never make my mind up

519
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:36,070
♪ As it all goes whizzing by

520
00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:38,950
♪ From the cradle to the grave

521
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:43,110
- ♪ From the cradle to the grave
- I know I won't be a slave

522
00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:45,480
♪ I know I won't be a slave... ♪