1 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:14,440 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:22,920 WIND HOWLS 3 00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:28,640 VOICE ON RADIO: 'I'm totally fine. 4 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:31,920 'OK, maybe I shouldn't have climbed this terrifying windy rock face but 5 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:35,040 'I saw the baby goat and I just had to save that little critter's life.' 6 00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:36,800 GOAT BLEATS That is mountain goat. 7 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:38,480 They live on mountain. 8 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:41,440 You're not saving life, you're just chasing him. 9 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:44,280 MAN SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE 10 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:45,640 'Four goats! 11 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:50,240 'Four of 'em, just sitting on the mountain like they live here.' 12 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:54,240 Yes. Mountain goat! I tell you many times! 13 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,600 'Wow, they have awesome balance! 14 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:59,240 'I don't think I can keep my grip on such a steep... 15 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:00,800 'Whoa!' 16 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,840 MAN SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE 17 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:16,480 Young man dressed like, er, it's special phrase - 18 00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:20,200 in your language, Western man who think he look Nepalese, 19 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:24,320 but actually just look like penis. Phew, oh, so it's not Cuckoo! 20 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,000 Are there any other details? HE CONTINUES 21 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,800 He remember one final thing. 22 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:34,800 Young man have, how you say... interesting packed lunch. 23 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:38,280 On the outside, hard like leather of the yak... 24 00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:45,560 ..on the inside, soft and fluffy like the yawny of the great goddess. 25 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:49,320 Jacket potato-ah! 26 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:52,760 SHE SOBS 27 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:54,480 Jacket potato-ah! 28 00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:57,400 Jacket potato. Rachel, I'm so sorry. 29 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:00,040 Jacket potatoes! SOBBING CONTINUES 30 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,200 HE CONTINUES SPEAKING Jacket potatoes! 31 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:04,760 SHE SOBS LOUDLY 32 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:09,320 MUSIC: "No Rain" by Blind Melon 33 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:30,360 # All I can say is that my life is pretty plain 34 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:36,920 # I like watchin' the puddles gather rain 35 00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:42,840 # And all I can do is just pour some tea for two... # 36 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:45,640 SONG CONTINUES ON THE RADIO, KEN SIGHS 37 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,840 Get it open right now, Dylan! 38 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:52,280 Got a good feeling about this, Ken. Have you? Yes. 39 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,600 Oh, bollocks! I didn't get any of my choices. 40 00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:00,440 Right, well, sorry, I disown you. He tried his best! 41 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,600 Anyway, with looks like that, Dyly doesn't need good grades. 42 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:05,880 Ha-ha! I was shitting you, you idiots! 43 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:09,480 I got in! To do media studies at the University of Roehampton. 44 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,560 Oh, wow, Dyly! You little shit! 45 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:15,360 Roehampton! I'll take that, son. I'll bloody take that! Well done. 46 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:18,320 Now do you see what a dick you were, Dad, telling me to work harder? 47 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,800 Aw, we'll miss you when you go to uni, Dylan. Obviously. 48 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,240 Champagne, I think. Who cares if it's before work?! 49 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:28,120 Get it in! 50 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,560 CHEERFUL WHISTLING 51 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,520 Ben, hello. You seem cheerful. 52 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:48,320 Well, Dylan actually got in to university. 53 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:50,680 Says something about the state of the country, 54 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,320 but otherwise, great news. And what can I do for you? 55 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,120 Other than get us a new centre forward 56 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,600 for the City game on Saturday. We need one! Ha! 57 00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,760 God, we need one. I might just do it myself. 58 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:02,480 You'd be an improvement! "Here comes the big man upfront." 59 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:04,280 "Bit of weight to throw around." 60 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:05,680 OK, let's leave it there. 61 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:08,160 Well... 62 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:09,960 What's up, my boy? 63 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:13,760 Ken, OK, er, Ken... 64 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:16,960 What is it? Hurry up. 65 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:20,560 Rachel and I have been seeing each other for just shy of a year now 66 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,320 and, as tradition dictates, I thought it right 67 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:27,640 to seek your permission to ask your daughter to... Yes...? 68 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,920 ..cohabit with me. 69 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:34,160 Cohabit? Yes. With Rachel's temp income, by my reckoning, 70 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:38,480 we could stretch to a three-bed semi with adequate garden area. 71 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:41,520 I've put together a folder of potential mortgages. 72 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:42,960 Take a squiz! 73 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,680 Colour coded. A very complete job, then. 74 00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:49,400 I'm asking her tomorrow. 75 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:56,520 Good luck, and, Ben, as my old granddaddy used to say, 76 00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:59,680 "When you're out a-wooing, never take a folder. 77 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:04,120 "Aim for romance, chocolates, flowers and a black polo neck." 78 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:05,960 Done, done and done. 79 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:08,800 Ken... 80 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:12,760 Rachel's had a lot of unpredictable influences in her life, 81 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:16,240 but I swear, she won't have any from me. 82 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,080 HE WHISTLES CHEERFULLY 83 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:27,880 Rachel's in no state to make big decisions yet. 84 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:31,160 It's like she's been a different person since Cuckoo went missing. 85 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,120 Oi, you stay out of it. 86 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,480 Ben is solid, dependable - it's just what Rachel needs. 87 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:37,600 He's really bloody boring, Ken. 88 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:41,200 If it's not football, it's law or local history. 89 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,360 Three of my major interests. 90 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:46,960 Yes, but you, Ken, make them fascinating. Oh, no, I don't! 91 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,480 I just don't talk about them and I listen to you instead. 92 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:51,560 It's true. 93 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:57,360 Oh... and do not tell Rachel he's asking. 94 00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:58,600 Like I would. 95 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:02,680 Ken, don't look at me like that, I am not going to tell. 96 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:04,240 I promise. Mmm. 97 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,600 Well, SHE'S had work. 98 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,440 That's Gok Wan, Lorn. 99 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:12,800 SHE LAUGHS: Oh, yeah. 100 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,000 KEN BRUSHES HIS TEETH 101 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,880 Rachel moving out, Dylan going to university. 102 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,920 In a year, there'll be just the two of us. 103 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:39,720 I can't wait. Finally, some peace and quiet. 104 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:41,960 Actually, I did want to talk to you. 105 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:45,440 There's, er... something we always said we'd do. 106 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:49,600 A...a promise you made to me before we got married. 107 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:52,200 Oh, yeah? What did I promise? 108 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,640 To get a vasectomy. 109 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:56,440 What?! Back in '92, when you had long hair, 110 00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:58,760 you said it was unfair that women 111 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,280 had to take all the responsibility for birth control. 112 00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:03,240 Such a caring, thoughtful thing to say. 113 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:06,160 Yeah, what a thoughtful caring boy I was in my 20s. 114 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:09,720 Come on, it's not like we're going to have any more kids. 115 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:12,880 Well, maybe there's a gesture you could make in return. 116 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:15,840 Is this that disgusting fantasy you mentioned last May? 117 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:17,440 Yes, it is. 118 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,200 Deal. 119 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:24,840 And thus, my hairy friends, your fate is sealed. 120 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:25,920 Yes! 121 00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:42,720 Dad was in a funny mood this morning. Yes. 122 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:45,840 He's bricking it about his vasectomy. 123 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,240 Which, by the way, you're not meant to know about. 124 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:50,520 I think I was happier not knowing. 125 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,720 We thought, now you and Dylan are moving out, we... 126 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,320 Shit. What? I'm not moving out. 127 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,640 Yes, I'm not supposed to say that one either. 128 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,120 Never mind, here goes. 129 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:03,040 Ben is planning on asking you to move in with him. 130 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,320 Right. 131 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:07,560 Well, yeah, makes sense. 132 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,560 Well, who am I kidding? 133 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,720 I was married to someone incredible, unique... Yes. 134 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:17,160 ..and that happy part of my life's over now, so why not? 135 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,600 TYRES SCREECH, LOUD THUD, MAN YELLS IN PAIN 136 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,160 Oh! 137 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:24,760 Argh. Argh! Bloody hell! Are you OK?! 138 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,960 Oh... Sir, do you know you just hit me? 139 00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,440 Excuse me, sir! You just hit me 140 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,720 with your mobile vehicle! INAUDIBLE RESPONSE 141 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:34,000 Unbelievable! Hello. 142 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:38,080 Are you OK? Yeah. Oh, I'm fine, just...processing the pain. 143 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,720 Oh. 144 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,320 Oh, well, you're not from round here, are you? 145 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,120 No. 146 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,360 I'm from a valley, 147 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:51,240 hidden high in the peaks of Uttarakhand Province, India. 148 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,000 Winters are stormy and fierce, 149 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,480 but come summer, the whole place teems with Brahma Kamal. 150 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:58,320 A white lotus. 151 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,160 Flower of the mountains. 152 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,840 It's nice. OK, see ya! 153 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:06,520 Oh, are you sure you don't want us to call someone? 154 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,960 Oh, no, it's not the end of the world, right? 155 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,600 Not till tomorrow night. HE LAUGHS 156 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:11,680 Oh. 157 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,720 Whoo-ho-ho! 158 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:18,960 Chemistry or what? 159 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:22,480 Mum! Chemistry or what? Do you know what you look like? 160 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,560 Ken. 161 00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:42,760 Steve? 162 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,960 I knew you'd be worried, I had myself transferred for the day, 163 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,200 so I could handle your unmanning personally. 164 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,240 Unnecessary. Oh, don't mention it. 165 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:53,800 I'm not letting my best pal's testes get anything but premier service. 166 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,040 HE SLAPS HIS BACK 167 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:57,520 SOAP DISPENSER RATTLES 168 00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:59,640 Lorna says you're back in the family home. 169 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,320 Oh, yeah, I've moved back in with Connie and her lover. 170 00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:03,840 Being grown-ups about it. 171 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:07,240 I'm fine with Pepe and Connie sharing the master bedroom. 172 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,240 I mean, people have sex, get over it. 173 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:13,640 And if it's going to happen anyway, better it happens in my bed. 174 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,640 Right, Ken? OK. 175 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:18,240 So, preliminaries before surgery. 176 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:19,840 Ah... 177 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,680 ..if you could, er... 178 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,720 HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE 179 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,600 HE WOLF-WHISTLES Oh, ah, hello. 180 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,840 ..lower your trousers. 181 00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:43,120 Oh. 182 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:46,040 Steve, could you try to sound a little less excited, please? 183 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:48,040 You always wonder when you're going to see 184 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:51,240 your best mate's cock and balls. It's normally in a public urinal, 185 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:53,360 but I've noted, Ken, you don't use them much. 186 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:56,320 You have a bladder like a ruddy bison. 187 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,600 OK. 188 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,960 RAZOR BUZZES 189 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,240 Erm, and this is...? 190 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:08,520 Ah, I prefer to work in a hair-free environment. 191 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:11,160 You prefer?! You mean, it's not compulsory? 192 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:15,280 Well, I suppose, technically, you get a choice. 193 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,360 Right, then turn it off, you little bastard. 194 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,320 Shame. 195 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:22,040 HE TURNS IT OFF It's your loss. 196 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:26,720 Well, I'm very positive, it's got a really nice shape to it. 197 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,280 Really nice...proportions. 198 00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:32,400 I look forward to operating upon it. 199 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,880 OK, sorry, Steve, I've changed my mind. What? 200 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,760 Why? I won't mess it up, Ken. It won't be like the last times. 201 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:41,640 The last TIMES? Yeah. I am definitely leaving. 202 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,960 No, Ken, wait. Wait, I love you. 203 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,160 What? Oh, I don't love you. 204 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:54,520 Mum, it was hours ago. Can we drop it now? No, we can't. 205 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:56,560 You should've got his number, you loser. 206 00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:58,680 What was I going to do? Run after him? 207 00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:02,000 Rachel, you will keep your dignity and die a spinster. 208 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,200 Mum! I'm with Ben! 209 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,600 I know, I like Ben, I honestly do. 210 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,200 But there was something about you and that lad. 211 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:14,360 A mum knows. I'll probably never meet him again anyway. 212 00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:16,680 And if I do, well, then that's destiny 213 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:19,760 and I'm definitely allowed to do horrible things to him. 214 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:21,920 THEY GIGGLE Litchfield's not such a big place. 215 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:24,200 I'm sure you'll run into him some time. 216 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:25,520 Mum! 217 00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:34,200 Maybe it IS destiny. 218 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,160 Ken? Hey, love! 219 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,040 You're back early. How did it go? 220 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,280 I bet he chickened out of it, right, Dad? 221 00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:53,720 Lorna, why does Dylan know about this? Oh, it just came out. 222 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:56,560 So, did you go through with it or were you a chicken? 223 00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:59,880 Yes, I went through with it. Why wouldn't I go through with it? 224 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:03,160 Ha! So now you're a eunuch! Oh, how embarrassing. 225 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:04,840 My brave soldier. 226 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,600 What is that? 227 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,520 I drove over him in the driveway. 228 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:14,040 Well, why didn't you take him to hospital? 229 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:16,880 Oh, relax, Ken. He's still breathing. 230 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,600 It's probably just concussion. 231 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,200 You knocked him unconscious! He could sue us! 232 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,800 He's not going to sue us. Look at his lovely face. 233 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:28,400 I think he's here because he likes Rachel. 234 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:31,480 Hey, do you think we should Biro the word "twat" on his forehead? 235 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:33,200 Yeah, really helpful, Dylan(!) 236 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:36,600 Rachel is going out with Ben. 237 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,480 For the moment. 238 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,600 CAR HORN TOOTS 239 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:48,840 Ben! Is it seven already? 240 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:50,240 On the dot. 241 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,120 For you. Oh! 242 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:54,520 Oh, and, er, here's chocolates. Oh! 243 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:56,880 Guylian. French, I believe. 244 00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:00,240 I think they're Belgian. Are they? Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed. 245 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,320 I'll get rid of them. No, Belgian's good! 246 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,920 Rach, it's been two years since Cuckoo went. 247 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:09,960 Maybe sometimes you just have to live for today. 248 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:13,640 Well, not actually today. The flats won't be built until next April, 249 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:17,440 but, you know, live for the s-soon. 250 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:23,360 Ben, I...I dunno. Darling, the maths works out really well. 251 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:25,480 Cohabit with me. Eh? 252 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,760 Co-habite with me. 253 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:29,680 SHE LAUGHS 254 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:34,200 HE BABY-TALKS: Never been a better time to invest in PWOPERTY. 255 00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,280 Oh, I-I'll think about it. 256 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:38,600 Yeah? Mm. Rachel! 257 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,400 He's waking up! 258 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:41,920 OK, I'll call you. 259 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:46,240 DOOR SLAMS You left your... 260 00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:49,000 Oh, shit the bed! 261 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,640 Course they're Belgian! 262 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,440 FRONT DOOR CLOSES Rachel, quick. Quick. 263 00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,200 Where am I? Who are you? 264 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,840 I'm Lorna. I drove over you. 265 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,200 Yeah, maybe not mention that. I'm Rachel. 266 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:10,280 Hi. You were watching over me. Like an angel. 267 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:13,320 Well, you're... you're fairly easy to watch. 268 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:17,560 Why don't we two leave you two to relax and get to know each other? 269 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:20,320 I do not approve of this. Shut up and get out of the room. 270 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,440 No, stop, sir. I need to say something. 271 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,400 I came here today looking for someone 272 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,520 I've been waiting my whole life to meet. 273 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,520 Oh, go on. 274 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:32,720 It's not you. 275 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:37,640 Hello. Sir...you are my father. 276 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,480 No, I'm not. 277 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,520 Ken? No, it's you. 278 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:46,960 21 years ago, when you were 13, your family went on a vacation 279 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,520 to an ashram deep in the Indian jungle. 280 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:53,680 There you encountered my 38-year-old mother. 281 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:56,440 You were drawn to each other like hot-blooded tigers 282 00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:59,680 and consummated your passion in a tent next to the mountain. 283 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:04,680 I am the fruit of that lovemaking. 284 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:08,560 Behold, Father, it is I, your son. 285 00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:11,680 Ken, I did not know any of this. 286 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:15,200 Lorna, 21 years ago, you and I bought our first flat. 287 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,680 I think you might've noticed if, in between decorating, 288 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:21,720 I'd have dressed as a 13-year-old boy who sneaked off to India! 289 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:25,120 Well argued, Ken. Sorry, love, you've got the wrong guy. 290 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:27,320 No! 291 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:31,040 You're Cuckoo Thompson. Formerly Dale Ashbrick, my father. 292 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:34,240 You're...Cuckoo's son? 293 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:36,080 Fuck me! 294 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:40,400 OK, so this one's Dad, not you, Ken? Mm-hm. Wow! 295 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:43,720 He looks so wise. Oh, he was. 296 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,520 Yeah(!) 297 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:47,560 He was. He was really wise. 298 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,720 Oh, Cuckoo would've loved to have met you. 299 00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:52,040 Right, Rach? 300 00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:53,200 Yeah. 301 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:57,720 I leave the ashram, travel halfway across the world to find my father 302 00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,320 and it turns out he's dead. 303 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,320 Oh, well, as Vashradi says, 304 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:05,680 "Gotta keep smiling." HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE 305 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:07,720 And how are you living? 306 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:10,320 Have you got somewhere to stay? I sure do. 307 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,160 I met this really sweet little community 308 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,240 who sleep on benches behind the station. 309 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:16,440 You've been living with tramps? Nice people. 310 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,240 And, boy, can they drink! HE GIGGLES 311 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:21,880 Well, love, until you need to head back to your ashram, 312 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:25,160 you're staying here. OK, but I leave tomorrow midnight. 313 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:28,480 Nonsense! You can stay as long as you like. 314 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,600 Lorna, can I have a word, please? 315 00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:31,640 Yeah. 316 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:37,000 Why have you offered a stranger free run of our home? He's family! 317 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,240 He's the absent son by another mother of the dead husband 318 00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:41,960 of my daughter. I don't even think there's a word for that relation. 319 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,000 Step-grandson. HE SIGHS 320 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,760 Anyway, he's cute. 321 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:48,320 Oh, Lorna! 322 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,840 Ken...big day, isn't it? 323 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,640 Cuckoo's son turning up out the blue. Your vasectomy. 324 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,560 Yeah, listen, about the vasectomy, I... See ya. 325 00:17:58,560 --> 00:17:59,920 Dylan, you're not going out. 326 00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:02,880 We're all having dinner together to celebrate Dale's arrival. 327 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,960 Er, no, I'm meeting Zoe, my girlfriend. No, you're staying. 328 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,320 Mum, I have a relationship to maintain. 329 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,560 God, when will you stop being so self-absorbed? 330 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,720 Dylan! And how do you even know he's Cuckoo's son? 331 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:14,840 An American accent and a shit-eating grin 332 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:17,160 and you're like, "Yeah, come in, stay, have dinner." 333 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:18,640 I'm sorry if it sounds a bit harsh, 334 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:21,040 but I hope he kills you both in your beds. 335 00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:24,840 Yeah, that WAS harsh. 336 00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:29,640 Lorna, this is delicious. Thank you so much. Thank you, Dale. 337 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:33,800 So, your mother's serving a life sentence for drug smuggling? 338 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:35,760 I haven't heard from her in two decades. 339 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,840 Kind of a bummer but, like the prophet says, 340 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,640 I probably brought it on myself in a previous life. 341 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,040 Is that what they teach you on the ashram, Dale? 342 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,160 Oh, Ken, it is such a wonderful place. 343 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:48,560 So ordered, peaceful and there's no crime, 344 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:52,280 because any sort of wrongdoing is punished without a shred of mercy. 345 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,080 Oh, this is weird. 346 00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:59,760 If you were my dad's wife, then, in a way, you're kind of my mom. 347 00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,440 SHE COUGHS In a way. 348 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,160 And, Lorna, you're my grandmother. 349 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:08,400 Mm. Yeah. Never ever call me that. KEN SNIGGERS 350 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:11,440 You can call me Uncle Dylan. In fact, you have to. 351 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,960 Dylan! Mum, I'm welcoming our guest. 352 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,480 So fuck off! BOTH: Dylan! 353 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:19,400 Oh, no! I just realised - we forgot to say grace. 354 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,120 Don't sweat it, Dale, we're atheists, so... Ken! 355 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:24,320 He's just found out his father's gone. 356 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:27,480 If he wants to say grace, let him. Go on, then. 357 00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:33,080 Good evening. Chief Ken has granted me permission 358 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:34,920 to lead community absolution. 359 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,920 Dad, what is he doing? I don't know, 360 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:40,040 but Chief Ken has got a lovely ring about it. Carry on. 361 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:46,240 Peace on Vashradi for these are my sins. 362 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,760 I've judged my brother man, 363 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,720 I have eaten at an oaken table, 364 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:54,080 I have swallowed saliva, sap of my tongue. 365 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:55,880 I watch cartoons on TV. 366 00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,400 I've glanced at the chest of a lady. 367 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,680 And for that, may Vashradi forgive. 368 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:09,840 Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. 369 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,800 FORGIVE! 370 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:17,400 Yeah, I take it back. He's definitely Cuckoo's son. 371 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:18,800 All right, thank you. 372 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:23,680 Trust me, it's a cult. 373 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:27,120 Yes, typical. Anything to do with yoga or spirituality 374 00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:29,480 and you're dead against it. It sounds nice! 375 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:31,040 An ashram in the mountains. 376 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:35,760 Look - "Vashradi Ashram invites single and divorced truth seekers 377 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:39,240 "to discover a unique and sensual discipline for mind and body." 378 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:40,760 Sounds all right so far. 379 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:42,800 "Grand yoga master, Michael Vashradi, 380 00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:46,680 "will transform your beliefs and your lifestyle 100%. 381 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:50,080 "Free yourself from family, friends and worldly goods. 382 00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:51,720 "No men allowed." 383 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,480 Yes, granted, this does sound culty. Thank you. 384 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:01,760 Hey. 385 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,360 Gotta look my best, big day tomorrow. 386 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:06,400 Sorry, I need to, er... 387 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,400 Oh, yeah, go for it. 388 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:11,720 Oh, Dale, we...we don't tend to use the bathroom together here. 389 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:16,320 Oh, OK, I'm, sorry, that's... er, different rules here. 390 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,720 On the ashram, we always have to go in pairs 391 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:21,640 in case anyone tries to escape. HE GIGGLES 392 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:23,880 All right, well, I'll catch you later. 393 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,160 Oh. 394 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,760 Oh... Whoa, er, I'm so sorry, Mom. 395 00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:31,120 Please, please don't call me that. 396 00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:32,160 OK. 397 00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:38,880 Bye, Mom. 398 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,240 SHE MOUTHS: Oh, my God. 399 00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:44,280 Well... 400 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:48,520 DALE LAUGHS Wow. 401 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:51,720 So this is the vehicle from my picture? Yeah, that's it. 402 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,000 "Potatoes of the revolution"? 403 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:58,040 Can you explain that to me? It doesn't make much sense. 404 00:21:58,040 --> 00:21:59,440 Another time. 405 00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:03,480 Dale, you know this guy who runs your ashram, is it Vashradi? 406 00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:05,600 Vashwardi? HE GIGGLES 407 00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:08,000 Vashradi. Yeah, come on, Ken, you've heard of him. 408 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,320 Why would I have heard of him? Er, no reason. 409 00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,200 Maybe cos he's the son of God? 410 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,720 HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLING Yeah. 411 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,240 Thing is... 412 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:21,920 Lorna and I think that this ashram of yours, it might be a cult. 413 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,600 What? No Chief Ken, wrong. Way off. I mean, in fact, 414 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:29,120 the first line of our creed is, "We are not a cult." 415 00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:32,480 We say it every single morning and then we eat together, 416 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:35,360 Vashradi picks his wife for the day and...and I get to work. 417 00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:37,320 See, that does sound like a weird place. 418 00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:41,480 As long as you're good and Vashradi is smiling, it's a wonderful place. 419 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:44,000 If you're bad, yeah, you get tied to the post, 420 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,440 but for, like, a couple days max. 421 00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:47,640 You know, I don't think you should go back there. 422 00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:50,480 No, I'm not going back there. I leave tonight, midnight, 423 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:53,440 the galawinga are coming to collect me. The what?! 424 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,160 The galawinga?! 425 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:56,440 Remind me. 426 00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:58,640 HE GIGGLES All right. 427 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:01,960 The galawinga are super-intelligent extra-terrestrials 428 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,200 responsible for human evolution. 429 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:06,960 They also left us the pyramids and ice cream. 430 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:08,640 Well, tonight, they're coming 431 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:11,520 to take Vashradi's elected disciples up to space, 432 00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:15,240 and the rest of you get zapped by the special kickass alien lasers. 433 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:18,320 I'm sorry, you...you think that tonight we're all going to die? 434 00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:21,200 It's really unfortunate. You're...you're such nice people. 435 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:22,400 Dale, listen to me. 436 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,080 All of this alien stuff, you know it's not true. 437 00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:29,640 OK, Chief Ken. 438 00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:31,920 Whatever you want to believe, go for it. 439 00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:35,560 It won't be long till we find out which one of us 440 00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:38,440 is making a huge dumb-ass mistake. HE SLAPS KEN'S BACK 441 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:44,800 KEN SIGHS 442 00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:53,600 Well, 20 minutes before 12, 443 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,160 I'd just like to say a quick farewell to each of you. 444 00:23:56,160 --> 00:24:01,000 Chief Ken... you are an inspiring noble person. 445 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,720 I can't make any promises, but this should buy you more time. 446 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,880 Lorna, you cared for me when I was ill. 447 00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:11,800 A special bond exists between us. 448 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,720 Dylan, you are an insubordinate young man 449 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:19,320 and you should treat your father with more respect. 450 00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:21,520 SLAP! Ow. What? Steady on. 451 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:22,920 Listen to him. 452 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,400 And finally... 453 00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:27,800 Rachel... 454 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:33,000 I never knew my mom, but in my dreams, she looks like you. 455 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,920 Beautiful and kind. 456 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:39,240 Soon your body will be butchered by extra-terrestrial lasers, 457 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:42,720 but our souls shall remain together through Cuckoo. 458 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,480 All right, catch you later. 459 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:19,480 LORNA SIGHS Well, Ken, I did not expect that. 460 00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:24,320 Yeah. Come on. 461 00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,200 OK, guys, let's do this. 462 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:46,440 # Here comes the galawinga Galawinga, coming for me 463 00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:50,360 # Here comes the galawinga Galawinga, where are you? # 464 00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:55,320 If this is a joke, it isn't funny any more! 465 00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:00,480 Do you want breakfast? I've made bacon and eggs. 466 00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:13,520 OK, I cannot believe this. 467 00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:18,000 Rach, how are you, er, feeling about Dale? 468 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,240 What? Why are you asking me? 469 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,840 I mean, why would I feel any strong emotion about Dale? 470 00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:25,000 You are basing that on absolutely nothing. 471 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:29,080 Er, it's just your dad and I were thinking of asking him to stay. 472 00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:30,520 What? For good? 473 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:33,280 At least till he's accustomed to the real world. 474 00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:34,400 No! 475 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:38,240 It's too hard for me. 476 00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,160 Sorry! 477 00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:42,640 You know, Cuckoo's son, by another woman. 478 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:45,360 You didn't even know Cuckoo when he was 13, Rach. 479 00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:47,760 DALE ON TELEPHONE: OK, thanks for letting me know. 480 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:49,760 OK, how long would he stay for? 481 00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:54,600 Actually, no, it's a bad idea, he's 21, he's not our responsibility. 482 00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:58,800 All right. Vashradi got arrested, the ashram's been disbanded. 483 00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:01,320 They're saying it WAS a cult. 484 00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:04,920 I'm guessing maybe that's why the aliens never showed last night! 485 00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:06,520 No shit(!) 486 00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:09,560 The basis for my entire existence has been shattered. 487 00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:12,960 Everything I ever believed in turns out to be a lie. 488 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:17,640 Oh, well, gotta keep smiling. 489 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,920 Right, Ma? Mmm. HE GIGGLES 490 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:22,840 Yeah! Don't call me that. 491 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:29,560 So where are you going to go? 492 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:31,920 Guess I'll walk the world, like Dad. 493 00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:34,360 Maybe, one day, I'll find an incredibly special person 494 00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:35,720 like he did when he found you. 495 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:39,840 OK. Bye-bye. 496 00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:46,160 BUS HORN TOOTS Quite touching that, wasn't it? 497 00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:49,120 It's really very sweet. It made me want to puke! 498 00:27:49,120 --> 00:27:51,600 It's probably best he gets out there in the world... 499 00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:53,720 CAR HORN BLARES ..finds his own way. 500 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:55,960 Yeah. He'll be fine. 501 00:27:58,240 --> 00:27:59,960 HORN BLARES 502 00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:03,560 HORN BLARES 503 00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:08,320 HORN BLARES 504 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:16,440 Oh, all right, let's go get him. 505 00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:25,400 Chief Ken. Get in the car, you weirdo! 506 00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:46,440 It's weird, isn't it? Just as you've got the snip, 507 00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:51,000 put fatherhood behind you, you sort of become a father again. 508 00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:54,360 Actually, Lorna, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. 509 00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:57,360 And I have been meaning to give you your reward. 510 00:28:57,360 --> 00:28:59,040 This is a one-off, OK? 511 00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:01,960 Absolutely never to be repeated. 512 00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:04,160 I should probably tell you this first. 513 00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:08,080 Let's make love immediately. What was it you wanted to say? 514 00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:09,680 Nothing to say, nothing to admit! 515 00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:11,600 Let's do this, I'm good to go here!