1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,640 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:06,560 KEN: No, no, no! 3 00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:09,440 I don't want to go to Steve and Connie's, why did you agree to that? 4 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:11,840 You're supposed to love me. Connie's making a pudding. 5 00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:13,800 Don't trick me with Connie's pudding again. 6 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:16,440 Steve is really looking forward to seeing you. 7 00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:18,000 Don't you want to see your friends? 8 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,520 Steve is not my friend. 9 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:23,480 I'm seeing MY friends this weekend at the university reunion piss-up. 10 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:26,160 They're the people I like. Kind of like. 11 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:29,080 You see more of Steve than you do of all of that lot put together. 12 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:31,800 I think that's the saddest thing that anyone's ever said. 13 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:33,720 HE SIGHS 14 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:36,880 What're you two doing tonight? 15 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:38,440 Mortgage forms. Woo(!) 16 00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:42,120 Got a meet with an advisor tomorrow, but later we're watching a DVD. 17 00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:45,040 Oh, calm down, Sid and Nancy. Someone's going to get hurt. 18 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:46,440 Heh... 19 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:50,120 Hey, Mom! Oh, please don't call me that. Check this out. 20 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:51,520 DING! 21 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:53,640 HE GIGGLES 22 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:55,280 I learned a song too. 23 00:00:56,840 --> 00:01:01,040 # Hare Krishna Hare Krishna 24 00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:02,720 # Krishna, Krishna... # 25 00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:12,360 # Rama, rama Hare Rama. # 26 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:15,760 Meet anyone interesting today? 27 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:18,480 Yes, I did, Ken. These really super sweet guys. 28 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:21,000 Bald-headed guys? Yes! 29 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,880 Were they in the shopping centre giving out leaflets? 30 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:25,480 You know them too?! 31 00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:28,600 The nicest folk I've met since I've been here. 32 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,560 Well, aside from those super-friendly 33 00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:32,680 Jehovah's Witness guys last Wednesday. 34 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,920 Yes. This also happened. 35 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:36,880 Ken told me I should stop talking to them. 36 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:39,640 After all, I did just get out of some cult myself. 37 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:42,120 Not going to dive back into another one any time soon! 38 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,960 Oh, Dale... 39 00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:45,000 What? 40 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:49,600 No. 41 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:50,680 Yes. 42 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:52,720 Are you serious?! 43 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:54,520 You gotta be kidding me! 44 00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:57,280 Oh, look, it's the Dale-lai Lama! 45 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:00,480 Dale-lai Lama, Ken. 46 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:02,720 Here's the woman I married. 47 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:04,760 Very nice! 48 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:06,320 Change now. 49 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:10,320 It's pure bullshit. I mean, if you look at the real data, 50 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:12,400 they are in fact harmless. 51 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,440 We should all be taking them, all of us. 52 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:16,880 It's just not politically correct to say so. 53 00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:20,680 Yeah, regardless, I'll have the pate without steroids, please. 54 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,200 All right. I've forgotten which is which now. 55 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,440 The chicken liver. God, Steve! 56 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:28,720 OK, I'm just trying to change things from the norm. 57 00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:31,200 Like we do in this house, apparently. 58 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,280 Sorry, guys. Steve still gets jealous 59 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:35,680 about my having a Latin stallion of a lover. 60 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:38,920 But mostly, the three of us get along just fine. 61 00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:40,360 Isn't that right, Pepe? 62 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,000 So, Dale, how are you settling in? 63 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,080 Oh, great! Everyone's so nice here. 64 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:51,280 Though, no offence, you do live pretty weird lives. 65 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,480 I mean, you have no discernible leader, 66 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:56,200 children live with their own parents. 67 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:59,000 Oh, and purification by fire doesn't even exist here. 68 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:00,680 No. Oh, and get this. 69 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:05,640 Every time I find people I actually relate to, Ken says they're a cult. 70 00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:07,760 I think, psychologically speaking, 71 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:11,800 that leaving this cult has left you searching for an identity. 72 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:15,720 That's why joining another cult is an easy fix. 73 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:19,680 Really, Connie, so interesting to hear your wholly unprofessional opinion. 74 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,800 No, no. Hold on, chief Ken. 75 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,960 Connie, you are a wise old woman. 76 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:29,440 So if this is true, what does it mean? What should I do? 77 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:33,080 Well, a lot of people find an identity through their work. 78 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:34,880 What are you good at? 79 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:37,520 I don't know. I spent 21 years of my life 80 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:41,240 staying physically and spiritually pure so I can be beamed up to space 81 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:43,840 and hang out with sexually curious aliens. Nice. 82 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:47,360 Turns out that's a no-go. So, any other ideas? 83 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:50,520 Some people follow their father's profession. 84 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:51,600 Oh, no... 85 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:53,960 Oh, boom! Potato van. 86 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,360 Oh, my God, Dale, you would love that. 87 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:57,800 That is such a great idea. 88 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:00,280 Like following in my father's footsteps. 89 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:01,920 Think I'm going to go for a piss. 90 00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,120 ZOE GIGGLES 91 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,840 DYLAN MUMBLES PLAYFULLY 92 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:10,800 Dylan, out. Now. 93 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:13,200 Oi, ten more minutes. 94 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:16,040 I don't see why. You don't appear to be using the toilet. 95 00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:19,600 Come on, I'm close to a breakthrough here. Man's solidarity. 96 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,680 Hold it in. Out! 97 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,560 Ken. Oh, hello, Zoe! 98 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:32,080 You are going to hate the nursing home I stick you in. Oh, scared(!) 99 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:35,000 I must increase my pension contributions. 100 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:39,600 So, Dad, when are you going to buy me a car for getting into university? 101 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:43,440 This isn't an American film, Dylan, I'm never going to buy you a car. 102 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:46,360 If I had money to buy you a car, I'd buy ME a car. 103 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:50,240 You are so ungrateful. How do you even sleep at night? Jesus. 104 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:52,560 Er, don't get out here, it's dangerous, Dylan. 105 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,880 Don't want my mates to know you're my dad. 106 00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:59,880 Goodbye, son! Have a nice day, my boy. 107 00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:02,120 Hey, everybody, that's my son! 108 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:05,720 Dylan Thompson! He loves me, and I love him! 109 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:08,680 Little prick. 110 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:13,840 Dylan, it's uncanny. Every time we're about to do it, something interrupts. 111 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:15,640 Maybe it's the universe's way of saying 112 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:18,080 you're meant to stay a virgin. Yeah, but I'm not a virgin. 113 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:20,360 I lost my virginity to an escort on Cuckoo's stag do. 114 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:22,880 No-one believes that story. What?! 115 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:24,000 OK, look, listen, 116 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,600 my dad's away at some reunion this weekend, so that means 117 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:29,920 I've only got to get Mum out the house and she's a soft touch. 118 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:31,200 She actually trusts me. 119 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,440 What? You can get a free house on Saturday? 120 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:37,880 Yeah! We're going to do things that shouldn't be allowed. 121 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:41,200 Why don't you have a massive fuck-off party? 122 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:44,440 Erm, because I'm not allowed to have a massive fuck-off party. 123 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:47,160 You get a free house, have a party. It's what people do, Dylan. 124 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:48,520 Yeah, well, I-I can't. 125 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:50,280 If you don't, you're dickless. 126 00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:53,320 And I can't have sex with someone who's dickless, it doesn't work. 127 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,600 Logistically. Zoe, wait... 128 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,640 So if, IF I have this party... 129 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,760 ..can we have sex at that party? 130 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:03,720 Why not? Sure. You swear? 131 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:04,880 Swear. 132 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,040 Get ready. Virgin. 133 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,680 I will! 134 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:09,760 I mean, I'm not. 135 00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:12,600 I'm tapping that on Saturday night. 136 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,560 Cuckoo? 137 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:28,760 Oh, hey, Mom. 138 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,360 Please don't call me that. 139 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:34,600 Um...why are you wearing Cuckoo's clothes? 140 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,000 Oh, I found the stash of them in the van. 141 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,520 Oh, check this out. 142 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:41,960 His book of potato recipes. 143 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,200 Cool, huh? Yeah. 144 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:46,840 Mom, for the first time since I left the ashram, 145 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:49,120 I feel like I finally belong somewhere. 146 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:51,200 I mean, I have a destiny. 147 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,720 I'm a potato man, just like Dad. 148 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,760 Well, good luck with it. 149 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,560 Hey, wait... Mom. 150 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:02,440 I have to ask, 151 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:05,400 am I anything like him? 152 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:07,240 Oh, Dale, I barely know you. 153 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:09,400 First impressions, just shoot. 154 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:13,200 Well, I don't know. Um... 155 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:17,240 Cuckoo was this free, chaotic spirit 156 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,920 who just made everyone happy. 157 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:22,200 When you were with him, life was like a party. 158 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:28,560 And you're more like this loyal dog who does whatever anyone tells you. 159 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:37,160 All right. No, no, that, um... that makes sense. 160 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:41,520 Well... 161 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:44,600 a potato man's work is never done. Got to keep going! 162 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,960 Bye, Mom. Bye... 163 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:54,800 Bye, Dad. Say hi to your uni mates for me! 164 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,120 Oh, bye, Dylan. Yeah. See you soon, son. 165 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:09,480 Mum. Where are you going to be on Saturday? 166 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:13,040 I'm staying in. Stuffing my face. 167 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:17,000 X Factor and Strictly and no Dad trying to turn it over to BBC Four. 168 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,360 Come on, it's a Saturday night, you should go out. 169 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:21,120 Nah, don't feel like it. 170 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:23,560 You know, Dad's away, time for the mouse to play. 171 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,600 Not in a bad way, obviously. 172 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:28,320 But, I mean, if someone does take your fancy... 173 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:30,560 Look, I'm just saying I think you should go out 174 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:33,600 and have a few drinks and be back by two in the morning, no earlier. 175 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,280 What's your angle, Dylan? 176 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,200 OK, look. I want to have a party on Saturday. 177 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,440 There you go! All you needed to do was ask. 178 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:41,240 No. Mum! 179 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,360 Actually, I'm surprised. 180 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,280 Cos you're that bit cooler than Dad, aren't you? 181 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:49,000 I mean, you went to that Hasha thingy. The Hacienda. 182 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,720 Yeah, twice. 183 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,800 Me and the girls drove in from Chesterfield. 184 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:55,440 Viv had this old Ford Sierra... 185 00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:58,800 There you go, fascinating. So, can I have a party? 186 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:01,680 No, love. I'd say yes but your dad would kill me. 187 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,680 Zoe said she'll have sex with me if I have a party. 188 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:09,560 Go on...! 189 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:14,640 Nice, wasn't he? That's why I picked him. 190 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,720 I thought, for a mortgage advisor, this guy is cool. 191 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,520 You're quiet. 192 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,080 Yeah... 193 00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:25,640 Don't know, it's weird, isn't it? 194 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:28,160 I mean, we're talking about loans for 25 years. 195 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:30,680 It's older than me! 196 00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:34,800 That's what I love about us, Rach. We balance each other so well. 197 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:38,040 You've got this wild side that's like, "Let's go to Laos 198 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:41,840 "and party under the waterfalls." I've got that too, totally. 199 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:45,640 But there's also this tiny lawyer part of me 200 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:49,800 that looks at a five-year flat rate below 4% and goes, 201 00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:52,960 "That's kind of thrilling, in a daft sort of way." 202 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,640 THEY LAUGH 203 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:57,680 Do you think we will ever go to Laos and party under the waterfalls? 204 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,480 Oh, for sure. 205 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:03,400 But Rach, building a life, there's some dull stuff to be done. 206 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:06,480 You know, like you've got to eat your main course 207 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:07,920 before you get pudding. 208 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:09,560 Why not just eat pudding? 209 00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:12,080 Well, you can, after your main course. 210 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:15,960 Yeah... But you could just go straight to pudding. 211 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,640 Yeah. 212 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:20,960 Right. Yeah! Yeah. Yeah... 213 00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:25,240 Best mum ever. No contest. Oh, isn't that nice? 214 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:28,640 Oh, please! Guess what? Mum says I can have a party on Saturday. 215 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:31,600 Are you serious? You never let me have a party. 216 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:35,080 Dylan's going to lose his virginity. About bloody time. 217 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:38,080 Oi! I am not a virgin. Oh, Dylan, nobody believes that story. 218 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,280 Tell them what they have to do, then. 219 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,720 So I'm heading off to Stratford with Connie, 220 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:45,800 and I thought, responsible adults... 221 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:47,800 Oh, an honour, Lorna. Really?! 222 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:50,000 Sure, yeah, just hang out in your room 223 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,880 and make sure the kids don't get out of hand. 224 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,920 Kids? I'm like three years older than them. 225 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:56,000 Most of them probably fancied me at school. 226 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,600 No-one fancied you at school, or in fact now. 227 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:00,840 Er, not true. I do. 228 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,400 So that's one person. 229 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:06,280 Anyway, we can't on Saturday cos we've got plans. 230 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:07,960 Big plans. Haven't we, Ben? 231 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,360 Damn right we do. Last four episodes of True Detective. 232 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:14,440 Actually, Rach, we could just polish them off in your room 233 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:15,720 while the party rages. 234 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:18,760 Oh, yeah, didn't think of that. Thanks, Ben(!) 235 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,640 Dale, Dylan's going to have a party. 236 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:23,320 Oh, great! We had parties on the ashram. 237 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,720 Vashradi would take the special magical powder 238 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,760 and intercourse with the womenfolk all day. It looked like fun. 239 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:30,800 Don't get too excited, you're not coming. Oh! 240 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,120 What?! He'll do something really weird and ruin it. 241 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:35,840 Fair point, I probably would. Wait! 242 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:39,760 All parties need food. People get hungry. 243 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,280 Right. Where's this going? 244 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,960 Dale, your potato van. Mum, no! 245 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:49,000 Oh, no, tomorrow night? No, no, no, no, I'm not ready. 246 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,840 I haven't practised half the recipes. 247 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,520 You've got to start sometime. You've worked really hard. 248 00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:55,520 You think? Yeah. 249 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,280 OK. I'm there. 250 00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:59,840 Tomorrow, cometh the hour, cometh the potato man. 251 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,200 Thanks, best Mom ever! 252 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:12,280 Mm! Not as shit as I thought it would be. 253 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:13,560 It's got a tang. 254 00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:17,120 Thanks. That's my dad's special sauce. Great. 255 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,960 So anyway, Dale, it's really important that you stay away 256 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,480 from the party until the right moment. 257 00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,080 OK, got it. When will that be? 258 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:27,040 I don't know, towards the end, when the party starts winding down, 259 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,000 that's when people will get really hungry. 260 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,600 Oh! I like it, that's clever. 261 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:33,160 So you sit here for six, seven hours, 262 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:35,240 and then I'll text you when I need you. Yeah? OK? 263 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:38,160 Yeah, no problem. On the ashram, during my year in solitary, 264 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,000 I learned to access a trance-like state. 265 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,280 That just makes time fly by. 266 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:45,120 Great, use that. Laters. Hey, Dale... 267 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,120 You know, I'm kinda nervous about this. 268 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:52,480 My dad was the best philosophical potato man in all of Litchfield. 269 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,920 I can't help but think, what if I'm not a natural at this? 270 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:59,040 What if I let your sister down and betray my father's legacy? 271 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:02,320 And if I'm not a potato man, then...who am I? 272 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:05,160 I don't give a shit, mate. 273 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:14,960 MUSIC: "Down The Road" by C2C 274 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:17,720 LAUGHTER AND CHATTER 275 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:24,440 Hi, guys. 276 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:27,080 What's up, mate? All right? 277 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:29,800 Enter the pleasure dome! 278 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,520 Get yourself comfy in the bedroom and I'll bring the drinks. 279 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:33,800 Dylan, I just got here. 280 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:37,640 Yeah, you said... I'm not going to walk in and shag you straightaway. 281 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:42,200 Party's still warming up. This way we miss the lame early stages. 282 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:45,640 Repeat after me, we'll do it when Zoe says we'll do it. 283 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:49,880 We'll do it when Zoe says we'll do it. Good boy. 284 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:52,880 Now, Zoe wants a drink. 285 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:56,960 Ready to rock! I brought a massive bag of Twiglets. 286 00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,160 Right... 287 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:06,000 MUSIC: "Over Your Shoulder" by Chromeo 288 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:14,880 TV SHOW PLAYS ON LAPTOP 289 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:20,080 What was the best party you ever went to? Not over the show, Rach. 290 00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:22,720 What was the best party you ever went to? 291 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:25,960 Well, OK, picture the scene. 292 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:30,200 Warwick, a murder mystery party, I spotted the killer within the hour. 293 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,600 OK, mine was out in Thailand. 294 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:36,840 Cuckoo rode us all out to this little teeny, tiny island. 295 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:39,680 Party was heaving, 296 00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:43,280 and I can remember just being pressed up against him. 297 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:48,200 And running out into the forest to make love. 298 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,240 Dancing again. 299 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:55,240 Making love again. 300 00:14:57,520 --> 00:15:00,560 Sorry, Ben, I totally interrupted you there. Oh, yeah. 301 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:05,080 Erm...after I won the game, 302 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,960 er, we all had an orgy... 303 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:11,640 ..and some heroin. 304 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:13,080 Did you? 305 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,840 Yeah. Warwick was just that sort of town. 306 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:20,600 Up. Yeah, you're right, we should probably check on them. 307 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,000 It's a party, why don't we just join in? 308 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:26,320 Because we're supervising them. We're still young. 309 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:29,800 We can still show these kids a bit of a thing or two. 310 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:32,160 Mm! 311 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:40,000 MUSIC: "No More Serious Faces" by Inpetto 312 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,520 You see the match today? 313 00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:46,040 Yeah, 5-0. You see the first goal? 314 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,160 Punching. Wasn't offside, was it? 315 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:57,320 I mean, Steve says he wants to be part of the lovemaking, 316 00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:00,960 but most of the time he glowers in the corner eating monkey nuts. 317 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,080 Shells all over the carpet. 318 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:04,520 Ken likes monkey nuts. 319 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:08,120 So go on, then, what gossip from you? 320 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:09,960 Nothing. 321 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:13,200 Oh, apart from the obvious. The obvious? 322 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:18,280 Zoe hasn't told you? Tonight's the night. 323 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:19,760 Night for what? 324 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:23,720 For Dylan and Zoe, the first time. Doing the thing. 325 00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:28,240 Connie. What, what the... We've got to stop them! 326 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,960 Let's drink to the greatest night of Zoe's life! 327 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,520 CHEERING 328 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:37,720 MUSIC: "212" by Azealia Banks 329 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,000 Everybody's hungry, Dylan. 330 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:49,160 MOBILE BEEPS 331 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:55,440 Oh, boy. Spirit of my father, look down on me. 332 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,960 MUSIC: "Mr Boombastic" by Shaggy 333 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,720 Who is that? 334 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:14,160 Who here likes jack-at potatoes? 335 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,680 GIRLS GIGGLE AND SCREAM 336 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:19,920 OK. Yes! 337 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:22,800 Oh, my God... 338 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,120 Are you Dylan's brother? 339 00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,560 No, I am his sister's husband's long-lost son. 340 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:29,880 Do you want some sauce? 341 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:31,960 I would love to try your sauce. 342 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,240 THEY GIGGLE 343 00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:36,760 Uh-uh, not mine, my dead father's. There you go. 344 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:38,600 What's your name? 345 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,280 Er, hi. You want some sauce? 346 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:42,840 Oh, I'd love some of your sauce. 347 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:44,720 So good. 348 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,000 Who's next? 349 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,320 Oh, boy. 350 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:53,120 All right, more, yes? OK. Sauce? 351 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:56,000 I fell under Steve's sexual fraud at a very early age 352 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:58,520 and I've never recovered. I can't have that happen to Zoe. 353 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:00,680 Oh, come on, Connie, it's not like she's a virgin. 354 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:01,880 She certainly is! 355 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:04,360 She had sex with Neil. Nina's kid. 356 00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:07,120 Lies, Lorna. She is unmounted. 357 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,800 Now, just be quiet, while I concentrate on protecting 358 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:13,720 my chaste, high-achieving daughter from your predatory no-hoper son! 359 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:16,360 Well, I think Dylan's lovely. 360 00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:21,040 MUSIC: "White Lines" by Grandmaster Flash 361 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:24,400 Come on. 362 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,120 Britain's ultimate lad, mate. Yeah? 363 00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:29,080 It said premium lager. But I don't think it was premium. 364 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:41,680 How did I do, Dad? 365 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,840 You. Dance floor. 366 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:48,600 What? Me? 367 00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:56,280 It's time. Virgin. 368 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:58,440 I'm not a vir... Oh... STOMACH GRUMBLES 369 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:02,800 Just should've read the label. 370 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,240 I mean, that beer was at least 4%. 371 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:06,640 Yeah. 372 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:09,200 Don't worry, though, I always get a second wind. 373 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,200 Course you do. 374 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:17,880 I love you. 375 00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,680 MUSIC: "Everyone Nose" by N.E.R.D. 376 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,720 That was super fun. 377 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,480 Whoo! Yeah! OK, I'll see you later. 378 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:49,960 Take them off, then. 379 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:52,400 So you want to see the goods? Whatever. 380 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,520 STOMACH GURGLING 381 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:59,120 Give me a few seconds. 382 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,600 Oh, God, help me now, please help me. 383 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:09,680 If there is a god, help me now, intercede. 384 00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:12,440 KNOCKING Dylan! Dylan. 385 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,200 What are you doing in there? Er, one second! 386 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:22,040 Come on, Dylan. Yeah. One sec. 387 00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:25,440 KNOCKING Dylan! 388 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,160 Just open the door, Dylan. 389 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,240 Hey. 390 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:33,600 There you are. 391 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,800 Yeah. Just, er, making myself look nice, you know, 392 00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:37,760 I want this to be special. 393 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:40,960 You look weird. 394 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:44,160 I'm just massively turned on. Er, my room? 395 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:50,240 Thought we could stay here. Take it slowly. 396 00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:52,440 Oh, yeah? And enjoy the moment. 397 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:53,680 Yeah, definitely. 398 00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:58,320 RUMBLING, RETCHING 399 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,280 HE RETCHES AND SWALLOWS HARD 400 00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:08,320 Are you ready? Virgin. 401 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,120 STRAINED: Yeah... 402 00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:14,920 I used to go out dancing all the time. 403 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,480 Seems like a lifetime ago. 404 00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,560 Well, you had fun tonight. 405 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:21,440 Yeah. 406 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,880 God, but look at me. 22-year-old widow. 407 00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:29,760 Boring job. Frumpy. 408 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:31,520 HE LAUGHS 409 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:34,960 Oh, crap! You're easily the hottest girl at this whole party. 410 00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:38,200 No, you don't have to say that. 411 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:42,480 It's true, Rachel. 412 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:45,480 When I saw you on that dance floor, I was just like, 413 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:50,440 "Oh, my gosh, there's Mom, she's so stunningly beautiful." 414 00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,360 It makes me... 415 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:57,240 I don't know, it makes my heart sink into my toes 416 00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:59,520 and my whole self kind of tingle. 417 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,440 Probably just pride. 418 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:06,320 Yeah. 419 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:10,560 Well, congratulations, that special sauce was perfect. 420 00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:11,760 How did you make that? 421 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:14,280 I didn't have to, there was two bottles of it in the garage. 422 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:16,600 In the garage? 423 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:19,200 Mmm-hmm. Dale, those bottles would've been two years old, 424 00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:20,480 there was fish in that sauce. 425 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:22,840 GROANING 426 00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:26,560 Oh, God, how many people had that sauce, Dale? Only everyone. 427 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,840 So slave, do you want this? Yeah. 428 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,400 Say you want it, slave. 429 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,400 I want it, definitely. Quickly. 430 00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:39,160 No. I'm going to make you wait. 431 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:41,200 Really? No, please don't. 432 00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:42,760 CAR APPROACHES 433 00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:46,720 Rachel, where's Zoe? 434 00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:51,280 KNOCKING I need to be sick! 435 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:55,600 Go away! Are you ready? Mm-hm. Yeah, I'm so ready, come on. 436 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,440 HAMMERING ON DOOR Zoe, come out of there. Mum! 437 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:01,280 Get out of there now! Carry on, Zoe, please. 438 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:04,040 I'll break the door down! Zoe, don't stop, don't stop. 439 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,760 OMINOUS, DEEP RUMBLING 440 00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:09,080 I'm coming in! GRUMBLING 441 00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:11,560 Zoe! Are you still... 442 00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:13,960 ENORMOUS FART 443 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:17,320 ..intact? Oh! 444 00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:19,560 ZOE YELPS 445 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:22,640 Gross! ZOE SCREAMS 446 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,240 No, why, why?! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! 447 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:28,840 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 448 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:33,560 No, please, hold it in! Oh, here, do it in this! 449 00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,680 Everyone out of the house! 450 00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:00,760 What happened? Why did everyone get sick? 451 00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:07,920 I don't know. Maybe they just drank too much. 452 00:25:12,360 --> 00:25:13,720 Oh! 453 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:29,520 Oh, they killed me, Lorn. The bastards killed me. 454 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:31,880 Did someone have too much booze? Oh... 455 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,200 You probably want to get straight to bed, don't you? 456 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,040 Correct. 457 00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:41,400 Have you redecorated in here? 458 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,440 Erm, maybe. Yes. 459 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:47,320 Just on a whim, I just fancied a change. 460 00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:51,640 So you put up exactly the same wallpaper and carpets as before? 461 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:56,000 You don't want to deal with this now. 462 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:59,160 I don't want to deal with this now. You just want to lie down. 463 00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:01,240 I just want to lie down. 464 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:03,600 HE SNIFFS Did you have fondue?