1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,800 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:11,040 Morning. Morning. Good morning. Yay, it's sunny outside. 3 00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:13,160 Dale, what are you doing? 4 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:14,800 I got really cold during the night 5 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,040 and you guys are so warm and snuggly. 6 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:19,480 Are you...naked? 7 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:21,440 Yeah, I always sleep naked. 8 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:23,440 Your penis is on my leg. 9 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:28,120 Got it. 10 00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:44,240 DALE GIGGLES This has been amazing, Chief Ken. 11 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:46,320 What was the name of that magical place? 12 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:47,520 B&Q. 13 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:49,480 B and Q? 14 00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:53,960 I will never get used to your exotic names and strange customs. 15 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,840 Yes, while we're on that, 16 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,320 in our culture we respect each other's privacy. 17 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:00,240 Sleep in our own beds. 18 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:03,200 And we don't put our genitals on people. 19 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:04,600 Not without being asked. 20 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:06,880 Understood. Wise counsel, Chief Ken. 21 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:09,240 You know, you should probably stop calling me that. 22 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:10,280 Why, Chief Ken? 23 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,000 Actually, whatever. God, I'm hungry. 24 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:18,080 STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP! 25 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:19,320 What is it? 26 00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:22,080 Food. Dale, I could've killed someone. 27 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:23,840 I know but you said you were hungry 28 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:26,040 and they have the world's best kebabs. 29 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:30,120 Lorna's got me on a diet. 30 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:33,040 What she doesn't realise is tall people have a very high metabolism. 31 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:35,080 They've done studies on it and everything. 32 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,960 I bet it's actually dangerous for me to be on a diet. 33 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:43,840 OK, I'll have one small doner with no chilli sauce. 34 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:46,840 But just to be clear, Lorna does not need to know about this. 35 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,400 OK. 36 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:49,760 OK? 37 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,840 Yes, loud and clear. 38 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:56,600 MUSIC: "My Silver Lining" by First Aid Kit 39 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,640 KNOCKING ON DOOR Hiya. 40 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:00,720 Hello. 41 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,320 Do you mind if I turn the music down? 42 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:03,720 There's something I want to say. 43 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:05,000 Yeah, of course. 44 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:11,480 It's about Dale. Actually it's still a bit loud. 45 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:15,160 HE TURNS IT DOWN AGAIN Erm, yeah, Dale is... 46 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:18,760 You know what, I'm just going to turn it off. Yeah. 47 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:22,600 Erm, Rachel, I like Dale, 48 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,360 I think he's a good bloke. 49 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,920 I just worry he's a bit mixed up. 50 00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:28,760 He was brought up in a cult, wasn't he? 51 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:32,640 Rach, he's obviously got some sort of weird crush on you. 52 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:35,800 What?! Don't be daft. 53 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,560 Rach, he climbed into your bed, 54 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,240 he follows you around like a dog. 55 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:41,840 He let you see him in the bath. 56 00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:45,120 Only once. Well, that's once more than I have. 57 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:46,600 Look, it's not his fault, 58 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,160 he just doesn't know any other girls his own age. 59 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:53,480 But I'm thinking maybe we should introduce him to someone. 60 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:56,280 Well, yeah, I mean if you can think of anyone. 61 00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:58,920 What about your friend Natalie? I mean, she's gorgeous. 62 00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:00,600 She is not gorgeous. 63 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:03,960 What are you talking about? She's stunning. Total knockout. 64 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:07,000 When I first saw her... Yeah, got it. Stop now. 65 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,760 Anyway, she's just broken up with her boyfriend, 66 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:12,760 she's on the lookout, why don't you give her a call? 67 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,160 Yeah, why not? It's a great idea, Ben. 68 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:27,840 I'm home. Shit! 69 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:34,560 Ken! 70 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,440 I was just about to get my glad rags on. Why? 71 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:40,240 Drinks at Connie and Steve's. I'm sure I told you. 72 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:44,760 Forgive my intrusion, Chief Ken. I am entering the room. 73 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:46,960 Oh... Dale, what you doing? 74 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,800 I'm respecting your privacy. 75 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,960 May I have the screwdriver we got at B and Q today? 76 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,040 I'm going to fix the kitchen lights. 77 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,640 You can open your eyes now, Dale. 78 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:56,760 And when you're done, 79 00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:59,440 if you're hungry there's some lasagne in the fridge. 80 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:00,760 Thank you but I'm OK, 81 00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:03,640 me and Ken had a triple shawarma with everything. 82 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,840 Onions, chilli sauce, huge bag of fries. 83 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,840 I couldn't finish mine but old hollow legs over here, he had 'em both. 84 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,840 Ken, you didn't have a kebab? No. 85 00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:14,920 Two of 'em. You're supposed to be on a diet! 86 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:18,080 You looked me in the eye and promised me you'd eat healthily. 87 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,480 I had salad with it. And a Snickers. 88 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,000 Dale, stop talking! 89 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,560 Well, I have to say, I am very disappointed. 90 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,200 Lorn. Lorn! 91 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:30,600 Thank you. 92 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,520 Hah, you blinked. What? 93 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:55,280 We're having a staring contest, right? No! 94 00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:58,640 I'm waiting for you to explain to me why you told Lorna about the kebab. 95 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,000 Oh, she asked if I was hungry. 96 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,480 look, I know your upbringing was slightly unusual, 97 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:06,080 but you must have had to lie before. No way, Chief Ken. 98 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:08,120 I was taught that lying makes your nuts fall off. 99 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,160 That's why I never lied, look. 100 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,520 Uh, look, I believe you. 101 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:14,320 I'm not saying lying is good, 102 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:16,640 I just think sometimes it's necessary. 103 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,000 Like...like when Lorna asks me whether 104 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,720 Dylan will be able to get a job with his media studies degree, 105 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:23,200 I say yes. 106 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:26,320 What I mean of course is no, he'll be living with us till he's 60. 107 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:28,720 But I lie so that she doesn't worry. 108 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:31,360 OK, OK, I got it. This is a white lie. 109 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:32,640 Right. 110 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:34,840 Like with your sheepskin coat. What? 111 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:37,760 Lorn hid your coat in the garage but said I shouldn't tell you 112 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:41,360 because if you found out you'd be, like, super unhappy. 113 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:42,920 This is outrageous! 114 00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:47,440 Wow. She was right. 115 00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:57,960 What? 116 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,320 Oh, the coat? 117 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,160 You'll never guess where I found it. 118 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,400 Go on, guess. 119 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:07,760 Dylan's room? 120 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:09,560 No, in the garage. 121 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:12,280 In a bin bag labelled "Stuff for Oxfam" 122 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:14,560 in your handwriting. 123 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,720 So I hate the coat. 124 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,960 Doesn't make me a bad person, Ken. 125 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,880 No, it's lying that makes you a bad person. 126 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:23,600 You can talk, Mr Two Kebabs. 127 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,640 OK. 128 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:29,320 Let's just agree to be more honest with each other from now on, OK? 129 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:30,600 OK. 130 00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:34,200 I broke your Pilates DVD. 131 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:36,280 I got a parking ticket last week. 132 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:38,920 When you were at your book group I ate a whole slab of Stilton. 133 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:41,040 Wow. I know. 134 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:42,840 Speaking of books, 135 00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:46,000 you know that one you tried to write about town planning? 136 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,840 That was rubbish. 137 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:51,800 Yeah, you never lied about that, you told me before, twice. Oh, yeah. 138 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:56,280 Anyway, from now on, let's agree on no more secrets. 139 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,840 OK, deal. Deal. 140 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:08,560 So, what do you make of this, Lorn? Lovely. 141 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,480 I don't know much about wine but... 142 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:14,240 it's very fruity and also...red?! 143 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:19,600 It's from southern Chile. It's typically South American - 144 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:23,720 full-bodied, passionate, dangerous. 145 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:25,760 It's also work shy, 146 00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:28,520 with no sense of personal hygiene. 147 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:30,320 KEN: So, Steve, how's work? 148 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,520 It's a living hell, just like my personal life. 149 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,160 Thanks for asking. 150 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,680 I had hoped Steve would cope with our new arrangement like an adult. 151 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:41,240 If not for my sake then for the children. 152 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,200 Good job we only had two. 153 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:46,600 I wanted more, but Connie's womb dried up like a cactus. 154 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,560 CONNIE: It takes two to conceive. 155 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,640 Perhaps there was something wrong at your end. 156 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:52,840 Nothing wrong with my sperm. 157 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:56,000 Men like me and Ken are part of the 500,000,000 club. 158 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:57,520 Am I right? 159 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,720 KEN: Don't do that. Oops! Bad example there, 160 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:00,920 Ken's had a vasectomy. 161 00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:02,440 So, Connie, tell me about this wine. 162 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:03,840 When did he have the snip? 163 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:07,720 Well, you should know, you dirt brain. You did the operation! Yes! 164 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:10,800 HE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY 165 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:17,320 Remember? 166 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,600 Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. 167 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,440 Yeah, must've forgotten. 168 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:25,240 So many scrota. 169 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:27,160 They all blur in to one 170 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,920 massive, amorphous ball-sack! 171 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,800 Well can I just say, you did a fantastic job? 172 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:34,720 You can't even see a scar. 173 00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:36,400 Almost like it had never been done(!) 174 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,720 Well, what a lovely evening. We must go now, though. 175 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:41,840 I'll bring the car round the front shall I, Lorn? 176 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:44,360 Seriously though, it was lovely. Cheers. Mm! 177 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:47,400 You said that's fruity, that's dry! 178 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,360 Dale, can we have a word? 179 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:01,720 Huh? Yeah, sure. Just don't hit that light switch over there. 180 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:03,000 Is this safe? 181 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,520 Totally. 182 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:07,040 So erm, there's this friend of mine called Natalie. 183 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:11,240 Who is stunning. Easily the best-looking girl that I know. 184 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,400 Well, that either of us know. 185 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:16,440 Anyway, we thought it might be quite nice if the four of us had dinner. 186 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:19,240 Plus she's single so... Oh, my God! 187 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:21,440 A-are you trying to set me up? 188 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,640 Oh, is that OK? Cos, I mean if it makes you feel uncomfortable then... 189 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:26,280 No. No, it's fine. 190 00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:28,760 It's just on the ashram, they taught us to wait for The One. 191 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:32,760 Probably don't mention the whole alien bride thing to Natalie. 192 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:35,560 She might... Get jealous. That's a good point. 193 00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:38,520 Here, can you erm, can you hold that for me? 194 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:40,800 Put the lights on, you losers! 195 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:42,200 SHE SCREAMS 196 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,760 Ha-ha! Twat! 197 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:45,880 Oh, boy. 198 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:52,720 Bloody hell! 199 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:54,240 Oh, what a tangled web we weave 200 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,920 when first we'd lie about having a vasectomy. 201 00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:58,320 It wasn't a lie. 202 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,840 It was a temporary departure from the truth. 203 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,960 So you're going to tell Lorna, are you? 204 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,160 I just need to find the right time, that's all. 205 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,840 Until I do, please don't say anything! 206 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,840 Ken, my friend, 207 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:13,640 I will do you this favour, but one day, 208 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:18,400 and that day may never come, I will call on you for a favour in return. 209 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:26,440 I need a favour. Oh, for fuck's sake. 210 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,720 What's that? That is what happens when the nanny state 211 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:36,720 and political correctness get drunk on power and have a bastard. 212 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:39,240 Could you be a little more specific? 213 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,600 I've been accused of gross medical negligence. 214 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,560 They're taking me to a tribunal. 215 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,880 Well, that is a shame. But, not my area, I'm afraid. 216 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:50,080 You'll have to find someone who specialises in medical malpractice. 217 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,760 To be honest, Ken, you're not the first lawyer I've seen. 218 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,960 But you are the only lawyer that is scared I'm going to tell his wife 219 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,600 a secret, so that makes you Kavanagh QC in my book. 220 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:08,040 It says here you left a foreign object inside a patient 221 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:09,080 during an operation. 222 00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:12,320 It was a pair of cuff links. One pair! 223 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,720 I am not apologising for the way I dress. 224 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:17,640 It's still a very serious accusation. Is it true? 225 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:19,960 How do I know? I was drunk. 226 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:26,040 Well, look. Ethically speaking, I shouldn't be representing a friend. 227 00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:29,600 Ethically speaking, you shouldn't be lying to your wife. 228 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,200 Look, this isn't blackmail. 229 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,600 If you don't want to take the case, just say. 230 00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:36,040 I don't want to take the case. And that's fine. 231 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:39,600 But I will be telling Lorna about your fully-functioning gonads. 232 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:42,200 And how is that not blackmail? 233 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,400 Oh, you're good. 234 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:46,600 You are good. 235 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:02,120 Why's the door open? It's freezing. 236 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:05,200 Ken, you're back early. I thought you said you were working late. 237 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:06,960 I thought I'd do some work from home. 238 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:11,280 You've been smoking dope! No, I haven't. 239 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,720 It smells like Peter Tosh's tracksuit in here, Lorn. 240 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:18,200 Don't worry, everyone's out. 241 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:19,920 The smell usually goes. 242 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,840 How long have you been doing this? Once a week since Cuckoo left. 243 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,680 Lorna! It's no big deal. I used to do it pretty much every day at uni. 244 00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:28,520 After everything we've said about being honest with each other. 245 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,160 Come on, it'll help you relax. 246 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,760 You remember what happened last time I took drugs. 247 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:39,960 Ken, you're at home with your wife. What's the worst that can happen? 248 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,920 I'm so proud of you. 249 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,040 Oh, I'm so proud of you! 250 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:46,680 Why are you proud of me? 251 00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:49,960 I can't remember but I definitely am. 252 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,160 Steve! 253 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:53,560 Steve! I'm proud of you for defending Steve. Mm? 254 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:55,720 Connie said that no-one could get him off, 255 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,960 but you took the case anyway! 256 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:00,440 Can we talk about something else? 257 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:03,120 I don't want to talk about that goblin. 258 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:05,360 He's been under a lot of pressure, Ken. 259 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:08,520 You hear of these doctors being forced to work 5,000 hours a week 260 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:09,880 and they crack up. 261 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:13,160 Oh! Brilliant. 262 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:14,680 Yeah. 263 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:18,040 We should blame the hospital for Steve being so mental! 264 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,200 Yes! 265 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:20,920 Got to write this down. 266 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,280 What are you doing? 267 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,400 I don't know! 268 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,920 But it's definitely important. 269 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:34,160 Mm. Mm. 270 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:35,640 This is amazing. 271 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:37,560 Amazing. Mm. 272 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:38,840 Give us a kiss. 273 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:40,920 THEY GIGGLE 274 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:43,360 Nice cheese. 275 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,480 Do you think I'm fat? 276 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:51,680 No! Think you're perfect! 277 00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:53,440 I think you're perfect. 278 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:54,880 I'm so proud of you. 279 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,560 Is it because of the cheese? 280 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,800 No, it was because of something else. 281 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:01,600 BOTH: Steve! 282 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,080 Steve. 283 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,320 According to his file, 284 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,080 Steve has had two written warnings in the past month. 285 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,600 One for parking in a disabled space 286 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,480 and the other for kissing someone... 287 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,480 Right. Well, that's not too bad. 288 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,600 ..who was in a coma. 289 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:17,400 Ah, the nutter! 290 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,040 Well, we knew he was insane. 291 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:21,760 But I think I may have found a way of using that to our advantage. 292 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:24,320 I'm going to call the hospital lawyers in for a meeting. 293 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,440 If we can convince them that Steve is overworked 294 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:28,720 then maybe we can avoid the tribunal altogether. 295 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:31,720 It's a long shot, but I think it's the best chance we've got. 296 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,800 Ken, you're a bloody genius! 297 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:36,600 Well... Thanks to you, Steve will soon be free to practise again 298 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,800 even though he's a drunken, incompetent fool! 299 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,400 Yeah. 300 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:43,680 LAUGHTER 301 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:45,520 Rach, I've not seen you for ages! 302 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,080 The last time was my non-hen night, I think. 303 00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:50,000 Yeah! That was fun. 304 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,360 I'm so glad you thought so. 305 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,600 But some people thought it was a bit weird, 306 00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:56,560 going through with it after Toby called off the wedding, 307 00:14:56,560 --> 00:15:01,200 but, er, my take is, I'm worth it and he's a lying shit! Ha-ha! 308 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:05,760 Yeah. Erm, Dale here's quite the sportsman. 309 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:09,280 He does martial arts and mountain biking and all sorts, 310 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,080 don't you, Dale? 311 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:12,120 Yes. 312 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:18,000 I imagine you've got some pretty interesting stories about that. 313 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,600 Yes. 314 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:20,880 SHE GIGGLES 315 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:26,000 Can I have a word with you in the kitchen? Yeah. 316 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,080 Excuse us. 317 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,400 I...like your face. 318 00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:37,880 (God, this is a car crash! I told you she wasn't his type.) 319 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:39,320 She's not that bad. 320 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:42,040 Are you kidding? She's doing my head in! 321 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:45,200 (Rachel, calm down.) 322 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:48,160 Oh, my goodness. She is amazing! 323 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:51,160 I mean, I've never met anybody like her before in my life. 324 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:53,640 Also, she's finished the wine. 325 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:54,720 Oh! 326 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,360 More wine, Natalie? 327 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:59,080 Fill me up to the top! Ha-ha! 328 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:00,720 Keep going. 329 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:02,440 Yeah. 330 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:09,200 Oh! So...mystery man. 331 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,920 Firstly, I don't know much about you. Who are you? 332 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:14,960 Well, my name is Dale. 333 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:16,520 SHE GIGGLES 334 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:21,280 Rachel never told me you were so funny! Or cute. 335 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:22,440 Oh, boy. 336 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:25,360 Natalie, you're embarrassing him. I just said he was cute. 337 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:31,040 It's not like I said he was gorgeous, which you are, by the way. 338 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,440 Uh-huh. 339 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:36,520 Where I grew up, you weren't allowed to touch a woman. 340 00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:38,960 We were taught to stay pure for The One. 341 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:40,800 A soul mate 342 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:44,120 could look in to your heart and see what's inside. 343 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,960 That is so beautiful! 344 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:51,480 I mean, literally, she had X-ray vision on every tentacle. 345 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:01,080 Ooh! 346 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:03,360 I really think I should call you a cab. 347 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:06,440 (It's getting late.) Maybe Dale could walk her home? 348 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,680 SHE COUGHS 349 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:18,760 HE GASPS 350 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,800 Tell me more about this place you grew up. 351 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:24,880 Erm, well, there were plenty of crazy things 352 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:28,200 but also, you know, a lot of beautiful things as well. 353 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:32,160 Like, we had this friendship ritual we'd do when new people arrive. 354 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:35,720 But sometimes we would just do it to honour a special person. 355 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:39,000 I would love to see your friendship ritual. 356 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,720 OK. 357 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,080 I haven't done it in a long time 358 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:44,400 but I think I could probably remember it. 359 00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:49,320 Friend. 360 00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:52,600 Take my trust. 361 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,840 Friend. 362 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,120 Take my love. 363 00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,080 Friend. 364 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:05,800 Take my blood. 365 00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:07,600 SHE SCREAMS 366 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:10,160 My God! Dale! 367 00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:12,800 HE MOANS 368 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,880 SHE CHUCKLES 369 00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:17,680 Shit! 370 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:24,240 Oh, he's been gone ages. Why isn't he back yet? 371 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,080 Have I got it all off? 372 00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:27,240 There's a bit there. 373 00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:34,080 SHE SIGHS 374 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,640 What time's your meeting? Not for a couple of hours. 375 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:46,120 Want to get there early, go through this plan with Steve. 376 00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:48,960 If I get this right they'll drop the charges. 377 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,280 Look at you, Rumpole of the Bailey. 378 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,040 Or should I say, Rumpy Pumpy of the Bailey? 379 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,440 Get off, I'm trying to read. 380 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:00,880 Lorna, get your hands on the wheel. 381 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:03,600 Sorry! 382 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,760 SIREN WAILS Oh, bugger. 383 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:07,440 Oh, great. Just great. 384 00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,120 Come on then, pull over. 385 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:12,400 SIREN WAILS 386 00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:16,920 Lorn, pull over. I'm not sure that's a good idea. 387 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,720 What do you mean? Don't get angry. 388 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,760 But there's a small possibility I may have left 389 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,240 the dope in my coat pocket. 390 00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,120 How much of a small possibility? 391 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:27,400 About...100% 392 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,040 Oh, for fuck's sake. 393 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,600 Window, Lorna. Oh. 394 00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:58,960 Sorry, Officer, momentary lapse in concentration. My wife... 395 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,480 Madam, are you aware why I've pulled you over this morning? 396 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:04,080 OK, I hate to do this, but I'm actually a solicitor, so... 397 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:07,000 Sir, when I lower my fingers, you may speak. 398 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:09,600 Yeah, but I just think this is relevant. Sir, can you see 399 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:11,680 the fingers are still raised? Yes. 400 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,880 Are you aware why I've pulled you over? 401 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,960 Madam, will you please exit the vehicle? 402 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:21,160 Why? 403 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:24,560 Did you just pass an item to the gentleman? 404 00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:27,160 No. Right, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to exit the vehicle 405 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,800 and turn out your pockets. Oh, this is perfect. Well done. 406 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,600 Sir, I will not ask you again! 407 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,680 Oh, Christ, Ken. 408 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,600 Three points on my licence. Could've been worse. 409 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:56,520 It could've been a lot worse. Why the hell did you pass it to me? 410 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:59,880 Ken, it worked out fine. How are you feeling? 411 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:02,760 Fine, actually. I don't think it has the same effect when you eat it. 412 00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,400 Just tell Steve you're not feeling well, he'll understand. 413 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:09,000 He really won't. I'm fine, love. You go on. 414 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:11,960 Where have you been? 415 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:15,120 No time to explain, we need to find Steve and talk him through our strategy. 416 00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:17,400 I'm not sure there's time. What's up with your eyes? 417 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,960 Nothing, I'm fine. Go back to bed. 418 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:21,720 Charles wants to sit in on the meeting. 419 00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:24,560 Prince Charles? Charles our senior partner. 420 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:27,680 Yeah, OK, that does make more sense. Here he is - the rain maker. 421 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:29,680 Ben's just been filling me in on your case. 422 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,480 Sounds as though you've got something remarkable up your sleeve. 423 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,640 I took the liberty, Ken. It is pretty special. 424 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,360 You don't mind me sitting in, do you? 425 00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:39,560 Good idea, we don't want Ken backing out, do we? 426 00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,560 HE LAUGHS FORCEDLY 427 00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:45,840 Erm, you know, breaking in to the medical market would be 428 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:48,320 absolutely fantastic for the firm. 429 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:51,760 Now, you get a good result here and, well, let's just say when the choice 430 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:56,120 for who becomes senior partner will be a fucking packet easier. 431 00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:59,080 Ken? 432 00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:02,360 I won't let you down, Charles. 433 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:10,000 Mr Thompson, my name is Helen Williams, I'm chief operating 434 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,120 officer of the Lichfield NHS Trust. 435 00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:14,640 With me are Michael Levine from our legal department 436 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,360 and Susan Daniels, head of HR. 437 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:20,600 And we are all silent. 438 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:30,000 Why are they staring at me? They're waiting for you to speak. 439 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,240 Why? Are you all right, Ken? 440 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:35,480 Could we just have five minutes? 441 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:51,320 Oh, no, my hands, my hands! 442 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,680 They're not shrinking. They are not shrinking! 443 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:58,080 Ken, you're acting fairly strangely. My hands are growing, Ben. 444 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,400 How am I supposed to eat chicken with hands this big? 445 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:04,400 Ken, I think I should take over the case. 446 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,320 You want my job. 447 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:09,320 You want to impress Prince Charles and become king. 448 00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:12,760 No way, Mister. NO WAY! 449 00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:25,200 You know I do. 450 00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:32,800 Mr Thompson, is there somewhere private we can talk? 451 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:33,880 Oh... 452 00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:36,880 It's, erm... 453 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,080 It's safe over here. 454 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:47,080 The last thing the hospital needs is bad press and a huge lawsuit. 455 00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:50,480 So we'd like to settle this matter quickly and quietly. 456 00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:56,120 If your client resigns, then we can keep this 457 00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:59,400 incident off the record, and avoid going to trial. 458 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:02,880 Mr Chance is a very volatile individual, but if you can 459 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:07,160 persuade him to accept our offer then he can find a job elsewhere. 460 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:10,440 He's not going to like this. 461 00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:17,400 What do you think? 462 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:20,040 What the fuck is...? Is that an eagle? 463 00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:22,120 No, it's a kestrel, you dick. 464 00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:24,920 Erm, it's clear that Mr Thompson's not feeling too well, er, 465 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:27,040 perhaps I should take over at this moment. 466 00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:31,280 No, Charles. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 467 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:44,880 I'm sorry to interrupt but I must be heard 468 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:48,200 and I must be heard quickly and quietly. 469 00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:51,520 Quickly, quietly. Quickly, quietly. Quickly, quietly. Quickly, quietly. 470 00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,080 Quickly, quietly. Quickly, quietly... Right, let's see. 471 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,920 ..quickly, quietly. Quickly, quietly. 472 00:24:56,920 --> 00:25:01,600 Lorna... My client is insane. 473 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:04,080 And you want to know why? 474 00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:06,960 Because you've been making him work too hard. 475 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:08,880 That's just ridiculous. 476 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:11,120 Have you checked what hours she's been working? She? 477 00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:14,160 Answer the question. Have you checked how many 478 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:17,360 hours my client has been working for your hospital trust? 479 00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:19,160 We don't have that information to hand. 480 00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:21,920 No, you don't, but I do. In my office. 481 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:23,760 Benjamin, the door, please. 482 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:26,840 GLASS SMASHES 483 00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:39,760 Oh, hey, Mum. 484 00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:42,080 Didn't hear you come home last night. 485 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,160 No, I stayed the night at Natalie's. 486 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:47,200 Anything you want to tell me? 487 00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,560 Oh, yeah, I fixed the lights. 488 00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,040 Anything else? 489 00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,720 I found some super-smelly cheese in Ken's bedroom. 490 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:55,120 It, er... 491 00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:58,720 Dale, er, what happened with you and Natalie last night? 492 00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:01,040 Oh, OK. We went to hers. 493 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:04,880 Mm. And I was kinda tired, so she said I could sleep in her bed. 494 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:06,280 But I said, "No, thanks," 495 00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:09,160 because I know that's frowned upon in your culture. Yes. 496 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:12,880 But then she got angry, and asked if I wanted intercourse or not. 497 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:14,960 Oh, and, and did you? 498 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:18,240 Oh, boy. I mean she's really pretty and all... 499 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:19,760 She's not that pretty. 500 00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:23,200 Nothing happened. 501 00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:27,880 I guess she just wasn't The One. 502 00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:36,800 Oh, hello. Yeah. High-five. Thanks. 503 00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:40,760 Then Charles took over, Steve got a month's suspension on full pay. 504 00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,160 Well, that's good. 505 00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:45,720 He was so pleased he wanted to take you on holiday to say thanks. 506 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:47,920 The Swansea & Neath Judo Festival. 507 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:51,000 He said he was making you an offer you couldn't refuse, 508 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:52,760 then he winked and walked out. 509 00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:54,400 Then he came back in and explained 510 00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:57,640 how you'd lied about having a vasectomy. 511 00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:00,760 You're not going to tell Lorna, are you? No, of course not. 512 00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:05,320 Although there is a little something I'd like in return. 513 00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:06,920 Go on, name your price. 514 00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:10,200 Your hole punch, the one with the option for A3 settings. 515 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:14,000 Oh, no. No, I use that all the time. Oh. 516 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:16,360 OK then, I, I'm sorry, that was completely 517 00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:18,920 inappropriate of me, forget I mentioned it. 518 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:26,360 What? I can't stop thinking about the incident with the hole punch, 519 00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:28,600 I'm mortified. Just get out. 520 00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:31,200 Oh... 521 00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:37,600 PHONE BEEPS Shefali. I'm sorry about this - 522 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:40,160 you're going to have to book me another vasectomy.