1 00:00:02,360 --> 00:00:06,720 Mom. Mom! 2 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:10,200 I have another question, Mom. Dale, we're just here. 3 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:14,000 Oh. I have another question about Dad's book. 4 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,880 Here Cuckoo's written this phrase, "Words are walls" 5 00:00:16,880 --> 00:00:20,200 and then right next to it he's drawn a picture of a smiling monkey. Why? 6 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:23,040 Well... I mean, there must be a connection. 7 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:24,640 HE SNIGGERS 8 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:28,160 Probably something very deep. Very clever bloke. 9 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:29,680 Anyone coming into town? 10 00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:33,200 I'd love to, but Rach and I are planning our trip. Dirty weekend. 11 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:37,600 That's my daughter. I know, Ken. Felt wrong as soon as I said it. 12 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:39,920 I'm staying right here until I master Dad's book. 13 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:43,200 Hey, Mom, this page is blank, do I read it anyway? 14 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:47,120 What about you, Dale, fancy a trip into town? 15 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:49,960 Can I ride with my head out the window? Yes, but not in traffic. 16 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,280 Yes! 17 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:58,360 This programme contains some strong language and adult humour. 18 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:04,720 No offence to your father, Dale, but these are real books. 19 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:09,200 Thousands of years of human knowledge all bound in dusty leather jackets. 20 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,920 I never knew the world has this many books. 21 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:14,320 And we only had a small library on the ashram, 22 00:01:14,320 --> 00:01:16,000 all written by my leader, Vashradi. 23 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,960 Oh, yeah? He was an author, too, was he? Oh, yeah. Yeah. 24 00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:20,720 He wrote some great ones - 25 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:22,720 the Dictionary, the Bible, 26 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:25,840 Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace - my favourite. Yeah. Good going. 27 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,120 HE GASPS 28 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,400 Oh, my God. 29 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,920 Wowee. 30 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:37,800 Edmund Burke's Vindication Of Natural Society. 31 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:41,200 Excuse me, is this a first edition? You know your books. 32 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:45,160 This is the sort of book you can build a collection on. 33 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,920 Oh, Christ! Oh, I shouldn't. 34 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,360 I really shouldn't. 35 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,960 If you just pop your PIN in there, sir. If you think about it, 36 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,120 it's an investment, isn't it? 37 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:00,120 BELL JINGLES 38 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:04,760 Excuse me, I gather that you have an Edmund Burke first edition? 39 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:08,120 I'm sorry, I just sold it. Yes, I'm a collector. 40 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:10,960 Ken Thompson. 41 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:14,600 Well, fuck me. Dr Rafferty. Wow. 42 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:16,760 I didn't think I'd ever have to see you again - 43 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:18,600 I mean, GET to see you again. 44 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:21,360 Likewise, completely likewise. 45 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:27,640 Who's your friend? This is Dale, my daughter's late husband's son. 46 00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:31,320 Dale, Dr Rafferty used to be my history lecturer at college. 47 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:33,880 Oh, wow, you actually taught chief Ken? 48 00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:35,880 You must be the wisest man in the world. 49 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:38,680 The only thing that I know is that I know nothing. 50 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,800 HE LAUGHS 51 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:43,800 That is freaking deep. Amusing boy. 52 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,160 So, Ken, you've bought the book. 53 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:49,200 I'm surprised to see you still pursuing the history. 54 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,920 The last I heard, you were plugging away as a solicitor. 55 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:54,160 Yes, I'm a successful solicitor, 56 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:59,560 with an Edmund Burke first edition in mint condition. Well, see you. 57 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:02,800 Er, Ken, reading Burke in first edition 58 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,600 has been a life-time ambition for me. 59 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:08,760 Well, best of luck finding one. I hear they're very hard to come by. 60 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:11,440 Well, I would try to find one for myself 61 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:13,840 but time isn't exactly on my side. 62 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:17,320 You... Let's just say that if you were to lend me that book 63 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:21,520 it wouldn't be for longer than six months. 64 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:27,600 Wow, six months? You can read a book that fast? 65 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,080 Ken, I got a great idea. 66 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:33,640 You should lend Dr Rafferty your copy. 67 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:37,360 Er, no, no, Dale, I'm sure that's not what Dr Rafferty was suggesting. 68 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:41,360 Ken, that would be wonderful. If you were to lend me that book, 69 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:45,960 you would make one of my last earthly wishes come true. 70 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,520 You could make his wishes come true. 71 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,000 Who wouldn't want to do that? 72 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,720 Only a complete arsehole. 73 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:04,640 You've made an old man very happy. 74 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:12,280 You annoy me sometimes, you know that? 75 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:19,120 He's had it two weeks, Lorn, that's more than enough time. 76 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:21,280 Did I ever tell you about the time 77 00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:24,040 that he marked my second year coursework down to a 2/2? Oh, yes. 78 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:27,280 It's one of my favourite stories. But you didn't let it stop you 79 00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:29,520 doing the right thing. I'm proud of you, Ken. 80 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:32,280 He's a professor, he could finish a book in an afternoon. 81 00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:35,280 I bet he's lying about his illness, I wouldn't put that past him. 82 00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:37,120 Calm down, Ken, it's just a book. 83 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,520 It's an expensive book. Really? How much? 84 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:44,720 £80. 80 quid? Jeez, Ken. 85 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,000 Well, I hope it's a hardback. 86 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,400 I'm bloody ringing him, and if he tries bluffing me, 87 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,040 he'll wish he was dead sooner. 88 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,440 He's dead? 89 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,680 WOMAN: 'Sooner than expected. Sorry.' 90 00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:58,000 No, no, no. He said he had six months. 91 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:01,200 'Well, that was optimistic. We were hoping for six weeks, but...' 92 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,440 WHISPERING: Six weeks. Lying bastard. 93 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,200 'Sorry?' No, I'm sorry. 94 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:09,600 That is terrible. And inconvenient. 95 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,520 'Well, if you wish to pay your respects there's a ceremony 96 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:16,360 'at the house tomorrow. We'll be spreading the ashes.' Yeah, maybe. 97 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:20,000 Thing is, before he so tragically passed, 98 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,560 I sort of lent him this book. 'A book?' 99 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:26,400 Yeah, and it was an Edmund Burke first edition so, you know... 100 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,040 LINE DISCONNECTS 101 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:31,640 Hello? Hello? 102 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:33,200 Honestly! 103 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,720 And you know it's ready when how good it tastes overpowers 104 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:37,760 the guilt you feel for killing the cow. 105 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:41,400 Not quite. 106 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:42,960 Well, terrible news, Lorn. 107 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,840 I've just spoken to Rafferty's niece - he's only dead. 108 00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,320 Oh, dear. Oh, I'm sorry. 109 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:51,240 Not unexpected, though, was it? There's a service tomorrow. 110 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,240 I think I'll go. OK. 111 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:57,840 Ken, I thought you hated him. It's a sort of love-hate thing. 112 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,840 Turns out I'm really upset about all this. 113 00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:03,240 I'll go and pay my respects. 114 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:07,160 You are not going to that funeral to get your book back. Lorna! 115 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:11,000 That is a dreadful thing - offensive, actually. 116 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,880 Not as offensive as pretending to be sad so you can go to a funeral 117 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:15,320 and filch your book. 118 00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:16,920 HE GASPS 119 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:20,320 I miss him. Yesterday you called him Dr Dickhead. 120 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:23,160 Rafferty is dead, Lorna. 121 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,240 Dale! I'm sorry. 122 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:28,720 I-I'm, I'm so sorry, I-I'll clean this right up. 123 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:31,840 I just... I thought I heard you say that Dr Rafferty had died. 124 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,960 Yeah, I did say that. He's dead. 125 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:39,160 HE WHIMPERS 126 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:41,800 Oh, Dale, what's wrong? 127 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,880 How can the world be so cruel? 128 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:47,960 Dr Rafferty! Why?! 129 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:51,520 Oh, come on, you only met him for five minutes. 130 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:53,880 I've had longer relationships with a Cornish pasty. 131 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,320 You barely knew him, Dale. 132 00:06:56,320 --> 00:07:00,720 And now I never will. He's dead, Ken. 133 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,840 And I'll never get to see daddy Rafferty ever again. 134 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,600 Ever! 135 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:08,360 Oh, something deeper going on there. 136 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:12,280 This is something we psychologists call transference. 137 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:15,040 Don't remember you qualifying as a psychologist, Connie. 138 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:19,840 I did a two-day course. It's as much intuition as it is learning. 139 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:24,080 This stranger's death has triggered all Dale's sublimated grief 140 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:28,720 for his father, Cuckoo. Oh, how perceptive(!) What was the clue? 141 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:31,400 Was it him shouting "daddy" and running off in tears? 142 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,280 Emotions are powerful things, Ken. 143 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,880 And if they're not dealt with at the right time, 144 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:39,920 they can come back and haunt you. Say, 25 years into your marriage 145 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:43,200 when you end up transferring bedrooms? Ken. 146 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:46,720 I'd say Dale needs to go to Dr Rafferty's funeral. 147 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,800 Deal with his grief head-on. 148 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:52,720 And most of all, he needs the support of his family. 149 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,600 That is actually quite insightful analysis, Connie. 150 00:07:55,600 --> 00:08:00,160 Yeah, and that's why we should ALL go to the funeral. 151 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:01,640 For Dale. 152 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:11,280 Why couldn't you just leave me at home, like normal parents? 153 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:13,480 Because you're supporting your step-nephew. 154 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:16,480 Yes, besides, the last time you were home alone burglars broke in 155 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:20,560 and stole only vodka and beer and left a used condom in my office. 156 00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:23,520 Which is why I should be there to guard the house. 157 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:25,640 I'm supposed to be seeing Zoe this weekend. 158 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,280 I'm sure your relationship can survive 24 hours. 159 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:30,840 Dale, you look smart, love. 160 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:33,280 I wanted to get it right. 161 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,320 Shamus was always so well put together. 162 00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,080 Always? 163 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:39,000 Well, every time I met him. 164 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:44,000 Ken, do you think Shamus is a ghost 165 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,400 and is haunting us right now? 166 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:51,200 Well, Dale, if Dr Rafferty now exists as a ghost 167 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:54,720 I'd say he's probably with his family, instead of an ex-student 168 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:57,560 and a guy he met once for five minutes in a shop. 169 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:03,560 DYLAN: Sorry, babe, I'm not going to make it. 170 00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:06,160 I don't know if I can do this. We're all here for you. 171 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:09,840 But I'm not strong like Ken, Lorna. I mean, look at him. 172 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,840 It's like he's not feeling any pain at all. 173 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,640 Oh, I'm hurting, Dale, I'm just British. Dylan, get off the phone, 174 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,200 you're supposed to be in mourning. 175 00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:18,600 Yeah, yeah, but it's not like our relationship 176 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,240 can't survive 24 hours, eh? 177 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:24,320 OK, fine! 178 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:26,720 Zoe's gone and said we're not exclusive this weekend. 179 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:30,040 Really? Oh, that's a risky play. Yeah, thanks, Mum. 180 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,760 Now she's at Charlotte Brown's pool party and I'm stuck here 181 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,520 at a funeral for some old dead twat. 182 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:37,960 Dylan, be quiet. Can't call my professor some old dead twat. 183 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:41,160 Hi. Sorry for your loss. 184 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:44,440 Thank you. Who are you? 185 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,800 My name's Ken Thompson. This is my family. 186 00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:56,360 Oh, boy, that's him. 187 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,920 That's him in that tiny little jar. 188 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:05,560 HE WHIMPERS 189 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:10,440 It hurts so bad. So bad! 190 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:14,040 Why did he have to leave me? Why?! 191 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:17,680 HE SOBS 192 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:21,560 Oh, you poor thing. 193 00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:26,320 You're his new American friend, aren't you? Yes, that's me. 194 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:31,400 I thought as much. He talked a lot about you. Did he? 195 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:35,040 Yes, especially towards the end. Oh! 196 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,280 You are very welcome here. 197 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:42,640 Would you like to meet the family? I would love to. Come on. 198 00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:48,880 What is going on with them and Dale? 199 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:53,560 Well, they're Quakers, aren't they? You know, progressive, huggy, huggy. 200 00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:56,320 Inclusive. 201 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,760 We're going to have to sing? 202 00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:00,080 You're going to have to be respectful, Dylan, yes. 203 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:02,800 Yes, Dylan, this is a funeral. There is such a thing as putting 204 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:05,160 other people's wishes before your own, you know. 205 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:07,640 Now, I'm going to enquire about my book. 206 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,520 Oh, you're not still going on about that? 207 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:12,160 It cost me £100, Lorna. I thought you said 80? 208 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:14,920 Yes, 80, I was rounding up. 209 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:21,280 At least you can say he led a full life. 210 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:23,880 Oh, yes. Mm. 211 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:29,360 Does feel that we've lost a real gem of a guy, doesn't it? Yes. 212 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:32,440 Feels like a light's gone out in the world. It has. 213 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:35,760 He was such an inspiration to me at college, you know. 214 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:39,560 I mean, to all of us. Was he? Oh, gosh, yes. 215 00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:43,440 Such an intelligent man, nose always in a book. 216 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:48,320 Just think of all those books he had. 217 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:50,360 I mean, where did he keep those books? 218 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:54,400 In his private study. Oh, gosh... 219 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:58,320 I couldn't have a look at them, could I? Just for old time's sake. 220 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:02,680 I dunno, I guess it would just be my way of saying goodbye. 221 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,920 None of us have been in there since he died. 222 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,520 Actually it...it is where he passed. 223 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:12,600 Oh, so fitting. 224 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,080 I mean, I'm talking a minute max. 225 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,680 Right then, you mean old bastard, where is it? 226 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:37,560 You're the only one of his former students who came. 227 00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:41,760 Is that how Shamus met your American friend, through you? 228 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:43,600 Yes. 229 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:49,200 Are you all right? I'm sorry. 230 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:55,000 It's been a hell of a couple of days, you know. Yeah. 231 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:58,320 I-I actually had someone phoning up trying to steal 232 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,520 one of his most expensive books. 233 00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:02,840 Oh, my God, how terrible. 234 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:05,000 And, this book, 235 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:06,680 it was your uncle's, was it? 236 00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:10,640 Because, you know, collectors, they borrow, they...they lend. 237 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:15,640 It was you, wasn't it? You're the man who phoned. 238 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:19,520 Oh, no. Not me. And now you're here. 239 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:22,800 You're trying to steal from Shamus at his own funeral. 240 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,960 That is a terrible accusation. 241 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:29,520 I know this has been a very difficult time for you, yeah? 242 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:31,560 What's your name? Sandra. 243 00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:35,600 Sandra, I would never steal from your uncle, 244 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:39,040 certainly not in the legal sense. I'm sorry. 245 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:45,280 I just know that Shamus would've wanted me to protect his collection. 246 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:51,160 Oh, there, there, there, let it out. Let it out. 247 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:55,640 Sh, this is bound to happen, eh? 248 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:59,000 Yeah, that's right. There, there. 249 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:02,280 Oh, hey. 250 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:05,280 Better, yeah? 251 00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,440 Thank you. Yeah. 252 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,400 Get it in! 253 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:29,520 "History of Genocide"? No. No. 254 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:38,040 Not now, Ken. 255 00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:52,680 Dylan, do you have to be so mopey? It's a funeral, Mum. 256 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:54,520 And I'm supposed to be at a pool party 257 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:58,240 where Zoe's probably boning all my mates. Fucking Judases. 258 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:01,320 Oh, I'd have thought an 18-year-old boy would love a free pass. 259 00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:04,640 Yeah, who am I going to hit on, Mum? Have you seen the talent in here? 260 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,440 There's not even any MILFS. 261 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:10,160 Not saying you should hit on anyone, just saying. 262 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:13,800 There's a lovely girl over there, why don't you go and talk to her? 263 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:16,800 Go on. 264 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:31,040 So, pretty boring all this religious stuff, eh? 265 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:35,280 I'm used to it. My family's devout. I've been in the church since birth. 266 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:38,640 Er, so what's your name? Chastity. 267 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:01,200 Where did you hide it, old man? 268 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,680 Mine! 269 00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:10,360 So sorry for your loss. 270 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,120 LAUGHTER 271 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:19,280 Oh, Aunt Mary, I'm so happy to finally meet you. 272 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:22,760 But at the same time, it really bums me out because you're so old 273 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,200 and probably going to die soon, too. 274 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:28,640 Oh, well, maybe that's one way of looking at it. 275 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,000 Mmm, there's no maybe about it. 276 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,600 I mean, I just met you but one day, tomorrow, perhaps today, 277 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,360 you're going to be in that little jar, too. 278 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:40,880 All your memories, hopes and dreams gone forever. 279 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:46,440 You, too, probably. I mean, in fact, all of us but you guys first. 280 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:48,560 It's OK, though. 281 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:52,800 Oh, my goodness, your skin is like...tissue paper. 282 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:56,560 I'm going to let go before I tear you. 283 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:59,680 It's like I'm watching you die in front of my eyes. 284 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:03,920 I suppose the important thing is that you lead a full life. 285 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:07,480 But did you? Did you achieve everything you wanted? 286 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:09,320 Because it's too late now. 287 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,440 You can't sky dive, your bones would break. 288 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:16,000 And not even from the landing, just from putting on the harness. 289 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:19,280 I know, right? It's super sad. 290 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:22,480 So you've met Dr Rafferty's special friend? 291 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:25,000 You know, the American one. Oh. 292 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:28,480 Yes, Dr Rafferty and I only knew each other a short while. 293 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:32,160 But he touched me in a very special way. 294 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:35,320 Oh. Right. 295 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:39,520 I was wondering if we could get your take on the order of service 296 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:42,600 because you knew a different side to him than us. 297 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,560 That would be an honour. Come on. OK. 298 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:05,680 Excuse me. Hello. 299 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:09,240 What is it they call them these days? Sorry, who? 300 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:10,600 You know... 301 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,280 woofters. 302 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,760 So, I'm just saying that if God is cruel enough 303 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:18,800 to take your great uncle away from you, 304 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,400 then maybe you shouldn't be obeying his laws. 305 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:24,280 Yeah, but, Dylan, it's because we don't understand God 306 00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:27,200 that we have to have faith that He has a plan for us. 307 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:28,560 Yeah, there's that, 308 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:32,400 but maybe God's plan was for you to meet me at this funeral. 309 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:36,240 Because, I mean, he is pretty clever when it comes to things like that, 310 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,720 you know, being God, so in a way, 311 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:43,200 if you don't cop off with me you are kind of disobeying Jesus. 312 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:48,040 What I didn't know at the time was that grapes can be lethal to dogs. 313 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,960 Lorna. Quick word. 314 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,280 I'm in the middle of something. Now. 315 00:18:56,000 --> 00:19:01,680 We've got - Dylan, what the hell are you doing? Mum's idea. 316 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:04,920 Was it? Dylan, at least try to be a little more discreet. 317 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:06,400 Come on. 318 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:10,400 We've got a bit of a problem. Go on. 319 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,960 It turns out that the family think that Dale is Rafferty's gay lover. 320 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:17,440 What? Seriously, I've just had a detailed monologue from Aunt Alice 321 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:21,240 about Rafferty's recent habit of Skyping an unusually young American. 322 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,480 Explains why they're being so nice to him. 323 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:26,600 It's sweet that they're being so welcoming. 324 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:29,680 Dylan, I said more discreet. 325 00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:34,320 Let's get going before it gets out of hand. 326 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:36,800 Also, I took my book out of Sandra's bag. 327 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,320 So I want to get going before she finds out. You stole it? 328 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:43,040 Legally you can't steal your own property. 329 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:46,520 Ken, it will look like stealing. Give it back and buy another one. 330 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:50,360 It's a very expensive book. Oh come on, £100? You can afford it. 331 00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:55,360 It was £500. Bloody hell, Ken! 332 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:56,720 Sh! 333 00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,480 Sorry. Sorry. 334 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,440 Let's just find Dale and get out of here. 335 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,080 It's so lovely to get to know you. 336 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:10,840 Is there anything you want to ask about my uncle? Yes, actually. 337 00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:15,240 Do you think he'll come back as a ghost and haunt us? 338 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:16,600 Oh... 339 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,720 Cos I would love that. 340 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:22,200 Hi. We're going to have to get going. 341 00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,960 Before the service? Yeah, it's a strange one 342 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,920 but traffic's a killer on the M6 and we're not using the toll. 343 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,440 Come along, Dale. Actually, Ken, I can't leave. 344 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,880 I'm a part of the service. Really? 345 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:36,080 We thought it'd be nice for Dale to make a little contribution. 346 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,720 Oh, Dale, I don't think you should do that. 347 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:41,040 I think instead, we should leave immediately. 348 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:44,920 Ken, I'm surprised. I thought you would want to stay for the ceremony. 349 00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:46,920 Or did you find the book already? 350 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,240 Book? What book? 351 00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:51,960 We're here to pay our respects to Dr Rafferty, that's all. 352 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,160 But you... No, I didn't, Dale. 353 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:56,000 Grief has clearly addled your mind. 354 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,240 Can you take your seats? We're ready to start now. 355 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,680 # All things bright and beautiful 356 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:07,760 # All creatures great and small 357 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:11,840 # All things wise and wonderful 358 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:17,560 # The Lord God made them all. # 359 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:18,880 Please, be seated. 360 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:25,400 We all remember Shamus as a great man. 361 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:28,840 Kind, loving, above all generous. 362 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:31,240 He wasn't generous when he marked my coursework down. 363 00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:33,600 There is someone here who knew him in a different way 364 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:36,920 to the rest of us, and the family would like to invite him now 365 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:40,720 to read a short but immensely uplifting passage from the book 366 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:43,760 that Dr Rafferty was reading when he died. 367 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:45,320 Oh, shit. 368 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:57,720 "Clouds of acrid smoke that smelled of burning human flesh 369 00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,200 "rose above the Khmer Rouge labour camps, 370 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:03,960 "sometimes forming a poisonous rain which covered the starving workers 371 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:06,960 "and the remains of their families. 372 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:10,400 "Over three million Cambodians were tortured and executed. 373 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,920 "The mass graves were over filled, 374 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:15,200 "mutilated limbs protruded from the soil, 375 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:19,760 "causing diseases such as typhoid, cholera and plague. 376 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,440 "In the north there were reports 377 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:25,200 "that some soldiers raped the corpses." Thank you. 378 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:28,000 Thank you. Thank you. 379 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:29,080 OK, let's go. 380 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:33,960 So perhaps now it's time for the Quaker tradition of open worship. 381 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:38,560 If you feel moved to share thoughts of the deceased, please stand, 382 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:40,640 just say whatever you feel needs to be said. 383 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,960 I'll always remember his Christmas cards. 384 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:49,040 And the little lines of poetry he chose for everyone. 385 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:54,640 I'll remember that open box of Maltesers he always had on his desk. 386 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:56,040 Such a kind man. 387 00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:03,160 Yes, I would just like to say that my uncle was a good man, 388 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:07,880 and a forgiving man, so if there is a person here today who sneaked in 389 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:13,520 under false pretences in order, perhaps, to steal from a dead man, 390 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:18,040 then I hope we can all follow my uncle's footsteps and forgive him. 391 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:20,280 And hope he can forgive himself, frankly. 392 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:23,040 Please don't. 393 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:28,360 I would like to second what Sandra said. 394 00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:32,600 But add that Dr Rafferty would never judge until he knew the full picture, 395 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,200 who thought what, who said what, 396 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:37,120 who OWNED what. 397 00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:41,000 Just in case he were to make a bit of a tit of himself. 398 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:49,560 My uncle had a great sense of justice, 399 00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:52,800 and if he did do wrong, he didn't try and worm his way out of it. 400 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:57,200 Oh, yes, but if he was wrongly accused I think he would've had 401 00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:01,760 the admirable sense to defend himself, for does the Bible not say, 402 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:06,040 "Call not someone a thief who has a valid receipt at home"? 403 00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:08,680 Blasphemy! 404 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:12,960 I remember Shamus taking me on holiday one summer to Cornwall. 405 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:15,200 What's that in your jacket? A book? 406 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:17,240 Oh, come on, now, what is this? 407 00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:19,640 Sandra, I'm not entirely sure this is the right time... 408 00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:23,120 That book is Edmund Burke's Vindication Of Natural Society 409 00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:24,880 and he stole it out of my bag. 410 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,840 I think there's been a misunderstanding. 411 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:32,080 This is my book. I lent it to Rafferty 412 00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:35,840 and he didn't give it back because he was jealous that I bought it first. 413 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:39,640 He's lying! It is, and it cost me £1,000. 414 00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:42,240 £1,000? Ken! 415 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:45,480 I want you and all your wretched family out. 416 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:49,480 Guys, this is not what daddy Rafferty would've wanted. 417 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:53,720 Please calm down and listen to Shamus' lover. 418 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:58,680 Erm, I was Shamus' lover. 419 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:03,480 Then who's this? 420 00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:06,800 I think there's been another misunderstanding. 421 00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:09,000 What's wrong with you people? 422 00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:12,000 Sandra, how about we go and scatter the ashes in the rose garden? 423 00:25:14,360 --> 00:25:17,880 I know how this all looks. But my family are not bad people. 424 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:25,360 Yes, such a lovely man... 425 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:30,320 Chastity! 426 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:34,360 Mum, I... 427 00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:35,600 CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS 428 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,840 Best funeral ever. 429 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:45,640 Much better than Granny's.