1 00:00:02,160 --> 00:00:09,360 This programme contains strong language 2 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:11,600 (Ken. Ken!) 3 00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:14,520 Chilli sauce here, all the salad, all the salad. 4 00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:17,320 (Do something. Someone's trying to break in! 5 00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:19,360 (I definitely heard a noise.) 6 00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:21,680 (Probably foxes in the bins. It sounds fine now.) 7 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:22,920 ENGINE STARTS 8 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:24,840 (That's the van.) (I'm calling the police.) 9 00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:27,920 They'll be gone by then! Do something. Here. 10 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:29,560 Lorna, it's not Tom and Jerry! Go on. 11 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:32,280 No! This is why our taxes pay for a police force, 12 00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:34,560 and, Dale, what the fuck are you doing? 13 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:37,240 It's my war paint, Chief Ken. I'm going in to battle. 14 00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:39,000 Go on, Dale, go get 'em. 15 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,280 Do you have another plant, Lorna? This soil's gone. 16 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:44,280 Try the PC in the kitchen. Lorna, do not encourage him. 17 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:46,440 Confronting an intruder is extremely dangerous. 18 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:48,720 Also, Dale, you look borderline racist. 19 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:50,520 They're getting away. Do something! 20 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,480 Give me that. Are you with me, Chief Ken? 21 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,560 Dale, for Christ's sake, do not go out there. 22 00:00:55,560 --> 00:00:57,160 Aarrgh! 23 00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:01,880 E-T PHONE HOME, E-T PHONE HOME! Ra-a-a-ar! 24 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:13,840 It's got a wing mirror missing and there's a dent in the bumper. 25 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:17,600 And how does that make you feel? How does that make me feel? 26 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:21,000 Well, victims of crime can often be overwhelmed by their emotions. 27 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,880 Right. OK, well, I'm a little bit annoyed, obviously. 28 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:26,760 Mm, course you are. I imagine you're also feeling 29 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:28,880 frustrated, powerless, scared... 30 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,680 Irritated, increasingly irritated. 31 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:34,720 Exactly, that's why we have these victim-support leaflets. 32 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,160 "Are you OK?" 33 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:39,160 It's excellent, written by a bloke who used to work on Poirot, so... 34 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:41,600 Great(!) Chief Ken, where do you want the hole? 35 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:42,720 What hole? 36 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:45,560 The hole of shame for when we catch these punks and bury them. 37 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:47,880 OK, Dale, there's such a thing as the rule of law, 38 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:50,680 and what it says is you can't go around burying people in holes. 39 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:53,320 Well, actually, this...this kind of reaction's very common, 40 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,600 which is why we like to spend time with the victims 41 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:57,760 and reassure them that they're being protected. 42 00:01:57,760 --> 00:01:59,080 Is that a night stick? 43 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:01,880 Yeah. Well, actually, it's a standard-issue telescopic baton. 44 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:03,400 Can I hold it? Erm, no, 45 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:06,680 because I imagine the officer needs to get on with his job, don't you? 46 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:09,400 Oh, no, no, erm, go for it, this is very fun, actually. 47 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:13,400 STICK WHOOSHES 48 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:15,520 How do you get it to make that noise? 49 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:18,040 You've got to have soft hands and strong wrists. 50 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:19,200 Oh, wow. 51 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:21,720 Great. 52 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,640 Do you know, if you could spare a few moments after this, I'd love 53 00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:27,520 you to investigate the crime that's been committed on my property. 54 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:29,040 Oh, that was a massive one. Ah... 55 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:32,600 The one that went round your waist. That is incredible. 56 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:42,960 KNOCKING 57 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,520 Dylan, love, are you awake? 58 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:45,960 Er, no, don't come in. 59 00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:53,040 Sorry, love, were you, er, fiddling? 60 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:56,320 Mum, I've told you, I don't wank, I have never wanked. 61 00:02:56,320 --> 00:03:00,120 Oh, that's lovely. Anyway, I need to tell you something. 62 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:04,240 Last night, some very bad men tried to burgle us. 63 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:07,480 Oh, shit. That's terrible news. 64 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:12,440 Oh, look at you - you're really upset about it. And scared. 65 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:14,640 Yeah, I know, I'm...I'm really shook up. 66 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:18,560 Can I have 20 quid? 67 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:19,840 Of course you can. 68 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,800 You may feel safer in your home by joining a community 69 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,080 protection scheme such as Neighbourhood Watch. 70 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:28,480 Well, you know who runs our Neighbourhood Watch scheme - 71 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,000 Steve Chance, so no. 72 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,880 Well, I'd still feel better if we did join. 73 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:35,040 I mean, what if Dale hadn't been there to protect us last night? 74 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:36,920 I was on top of the situation, thank you. 75 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:39,760 Of course you were, it just seemed like you were frozen with fear. 76 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:41,760 Oh, Mum, don't be so mean. Thanks, Rach. 77 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,000 Dad's getting on now, he's not a young man anymore. 78 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,680 And with that bad back, at times he's practically disabled. 79 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:49,080 And his diet's terrible. Imagine what his heart's like. 80 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:50,840 Not good for someone pushing 50. 81 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:54,200 I'm 48. And, Ben, do you have to keep doing that? 82 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,560 Do you know what I want to talk about? Mr Chocolate. 83 00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:59,480 He was the guard dog on our ashram. 84 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:03,280 He would fetch sticks and go for walks, and in the springtime 85 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:05,960 he would eat the baby monkeys when they fell from the trees. 86 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:09,640 As time went on, he got old and confused, 87 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:13,360 and one day he messed himself in Vashredi's tent. 88 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:15,080 I'm sorry, how is this relevant? 89 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,640 Because I put him down that day, Chief Ken. 90 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,680 In the most humane way possible, I just - I snapped his neck 91 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:24,320 across my knee, but I can still his face looking up at me. 92 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:28,040 That sad, tired, old face. 93 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:30,640 I don't want that to happen to you, Ken. 94 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:33,520 That is a fairly specific set of events. 95 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:37,120 And, if I were a monkey-gobbling dog that shat in a tent, 96 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:38,480 I might be worried, Dale. 97 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:41,520 It's OK, Chief Ken, I got this. 98 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:45,360 With you incapacitated by age, I will protect your family. 99 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:49,600 Well, that's very sweet of you, Dale, but worry not, I'm in my PRIMATE. 100 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:56,800 Hey, Zoe, wait up. 101 00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:58,960 Zoe, look, about last night, I'm really sorry. 102 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,280 I did try to take the van, but then I crashed it 103 00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:03,840 and woke everyone up, so I had to spend the night in the shed. 104 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:06,720 Whatever. Look, I know you're pissed off cos we didn't go to the club 105 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:10,360 last night, but I actually risked my life trying to come pick you up. 106 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:11,920 Oh, I went, just not with you. 107 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:14,200 All right, babe? Wicked night last night. 108 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:15,520 You went with that dickhead? 109 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:17,680 At least Neil's got a proper car. With doors on it. 110 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:20,680 Four doors, Thompson. One for each of your... 111 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:25,760 ..vaginas. And that's the best you can do, is it? 112 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:30,800 That I've got four vaginas? Yeah. Deal with it, you quadro-vag. 113 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:35,240 Brilliant. Zoe, come on, let's just talk, please. 114 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:36,760 Quadro-vag? 115 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:46,840 Jesus Christ. 116 00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:48,440 SHOUTING 117 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:54,400 Oh, uh. Uh-huh! I got him. I got him. 118 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:57,480 Captured this man on your behalf. What's going on? 119 00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:00,680 Dale's caught a burglar. I'm not a burglar, I'm Ben. 120 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:03,000 Dale, are you mental? I was going to the toilet. 121 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,120 Oh, Ben. 122 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,880 Ow. Ow. Right. 123 00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:09,760 I apologise, Ben. I will be cutting off my thumb 124 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,760 and giving it to you first thing in the morning. Oh, no harm done. 125 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,760 Usually a bit of rough-and-tumble gives me a nose bleed, actually. 126 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:17,120 But I am dry as a bone. 127 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:21,640 I was sleeping in the hallway and I just...just kind of grabbed out. 128 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:23,440 Why were you sleeping in the hallway? 129 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:24,960 It's the centre of the house, Ken - 130 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:27,760 it means I can get to trouble spots quicker. I know you'd take care 131 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:30,280 of that normally, but obviously you can't these days. 132 00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:32,160 I suggest we all go back to bed. 133 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,280 We are perfectly safe in this house. 134 00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:37,600 If it makes you feel any better, I'll take some measures. 135 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:39,480 What kind of measures, Ken? 136 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:40,720 Important ones. 137 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:48,960 Thanks again for this, love. 138 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,800 If surrendering another night of my life to Steve Chance makes 139 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,320 you feel safe, then so be it. 140 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:56,240 Steve could be very helpful. He's a black belt in judo. 141 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:59,240 He rolls around on crash mats giving headlocks to young teens, Lorn - 142 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:00,760 it's hardly Enter The Dragon. 143 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:02,000 Chief Ken, remember, 144 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,320 if you feel confused, or even scared, let me know 145 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:06,480 and I'll take you straight home. Thanks, Dale. 146 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:08,080 Hey, Mum, by the way, for me, 147 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:10,320 the most important thing is that you feel safe. 148 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:11,440 Oh, bless. 149 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:13,800 By the way, Zoe's definitely going to be here, right? 150 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,680 It's just she's not returning my calls. 151 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:17,760 Oh, I forgot to ask. For fuck's sake, Mum. 152 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,960 Ken, come here, you. 153 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:27,320 It's OK. Sh. It's not your fault. Mm? 154 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:30,240 Come on. 155 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,520 Don't worry, mate, no-one's judging you. 156 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:34,880 Why would anyone be judging me? 157 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,120 Well, let's just say if somebody tried to steal my car 158 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:39,760 they'd be pissing through a tube right now. 159 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,200 Steve, you weren't there. 160 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,080 That is why I'm not judging you. 161 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:44,760 Or at least trying not to. 162 00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:52,600 Ken, hello, stranger! 163 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,680 Nina, wow. 164 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:56,720 God, it's always such a pleasure to see you, 165 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:58,960 I didn't know you came to this. Oh, well, you know me, 166 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,920 just a concerned local resident like you, Ken! 167 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:03,280 THEY LAUGH 168 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:04,760 Oh, it's been a while. Yeah. 169 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:08,320 And, look, once again, I'm so sorry about, you know, 170 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,640 the bleurgh, sick. Oh, it's OK. 171 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,320 Gosh, don't be silly. That was ages ago. 172 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,000 Really? So embarrassing. 173 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:18,920 Oh, Ken, you are forgiven, you are forgiven. 174 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:20,840 Hello, mate, I'm Ken. 175 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:22,040 I know who you are. 176 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:23,640 Oh, have we met before? 177 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:27,440 Yeah we met in the magistrates' court. You're a solicitor. 178 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:32,200 Oh, the custody hearing. Hope I didn't say anything too bad. 179 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,600 You said my failings as a husband were matched 180 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,400 only by my failings as a father. 181 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,680 Well, I mean, to be fair, I was just doing my job. 182 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:42,440 What, lying? 183 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:43,920 NERVOUS LAUGHTER 184 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:46,200 Oh, but that's all water under the bridge now. 185 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:49,240 Exactly, water under the bridge, like with me and Nina, yeah? 186 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:50,520 We're friends now, 187 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:53,840 but a couple of years ago, I was sick all over her... 188 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:55,480 ..her breasts. 189 00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:59,080 Yeah, I remember. I spent the whole weekend cleaning the car. 190 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:02,800 So...yeah. 191 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:03,920 Well... 192 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:06,560 Come on. Here you are. 193 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:14,440 It's terrible what happened, you must've been scared witless. 194 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:18,320 I still am. Poor little Dyly, he's very shaken up. 195 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:19,760 Surprising about Ken, though. 196 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,280 You would've thought a big, strapping fellow like that 197 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:23,680 would've scared them off. 198 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,240 Yes, Steve, come on. 199 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,400 Oh, God, look at him. 200 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:35,680 Oh, Steve's in his element at these meetings. Takes charge. 201 00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:39,480 Hi, excuse me, Mrs Chance, sorry to interrupt. Any idea where Zoe is? 202 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:42,120 Yes, she's gone out with her boyfriend. 203 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:44,280 Yeah, that's not possible. I'm her boyfriend. 204 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:46,000 Clearly not. Zoe's moved on. 205 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,280 Can I suggest you do the same? 206 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,920 Can I suggest you go and do a shit with your clothes on? 207 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:55,560 He's very shaken up. 208 00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:58,960 Out you pop, and no peeping. 209 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:00,440 Where are we? 210 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,760 You'll see. Right, ready? 211 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:04,920 And tada! 212 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,640 Oh, what's this? Our new house. 213 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:12,040 Well, it's not specifically our one, it's the show home, but the great 214 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:15,280 thing about this estate is that every house is exactly the same. 215 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,200 How cool is that? 216 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,320 Oh, it's brilliant. 217 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:29,560 Things are getting pretty fucking ugly on the streets of Lichfield. 218 00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:32,200 A few nights ago, our newest member, Ken Thompson, 219 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:36,080 had his driveway and his dignity utterly violated. 220 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,680 OK, can I actually explain...? 221 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:40,600 So the question I want to ask is this - 222 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:45,080 if your house gets broken into by a drug-crazed maniac with a knife - 223 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,440 or, God forbid, two knives - what do you do? 224 00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:48,960 You call the police. No. 225 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:55,080 The only thing that you can do is learn to defend yourself. 226 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:58,080 Pepe, get up here. You're the criminal. 227 00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:02,680 What is the first rule of self-defence? 228 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:06,080 Aagh! Aagh. 229 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,200 Surprise. Aagh! 230 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:10,480 It's surprise. 231 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:15,120 I surprised Pepe, and now I'm free to punish him for any crimes 232 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:17,240 he was contemplating against me. 233 00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:20,880 Like so. Take that, you wife-thieving... 234 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:24,600 Let him go, Steve. They get so competitive. 235 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:30,840 Ugh. Ken. Up on your feet. 236 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,000 What? 237 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:34,120 Come on, Ken, get in to it. No! 238 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:37,720 No, Chief Ken is too old and tired for physical exertion. 239 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,600 I volunteer myself to take his place. 240 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:43,080 Look, I just think we should be talking about security lights 241 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:47,200 and deadlocks, or a rota to look after each other's houses. 242 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,360 Where do you want me, Steve? Front and centre. 243 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:54,960 Dale, I think it's only fair that I should warn you 244 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:58,000 that I have developed my own style of martial arts - 245 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,840 it's a mixture between karate and rugby league. 246 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:05,640 Oss. 247 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:17,640 Oss. 248 00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:29,160 Fucking hell. 249 00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:32,160 Now, I see you've had some kind of basic training. 250 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:35,720 But, as I mentioned before, surprise... 251 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:37,360 That's clumsy. 252 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,360 But...but effective. Let go. Let go. 253 00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:45,880 Yeah, but...what would happen... 254 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,800 ..if I pinned you in a death hold? 255 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:52,560 Oo-argh! Uh... 256 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:55,400 Aagh. 257 00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:58,760 Oss. 258 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:08,080 No, you've got that all wrong. See, what you should've done... 259 00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,680 Grab me from behind and I'll show you what you should've done. 260 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:12,400 Oh, fucking hell! 261 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:18,440 Now, er, the key to shaking him off really is just... 262 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:22,480 It's quite simple, you just use his own strength against him, 263 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,400 see, like so. 264 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,240 Oh... 265 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:29,200 OK, I think that what Steve is showing us here is that 266 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:32,200 getting violent with a burglar is only going to make things worse. 267 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,960 There's a tree in the garden, Ken - why don't you go and hug it? 268 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,680 Carry on Dale, hard as you like. 269 00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:38,680 Affirmative. 270 00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:40,840 Erm, should he be that colour? 271 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:43,840 Yes, he should. I, er, I'm... I'm going to go for a smoke. 272 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:46,000 Aah. I really think you should let him go. 273 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:49,280 Oh, shut up, Nina. Steve's always got something up his sleeve. 274 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,200 Aargh. Argh. 275 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,600 CLICKING 276 00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,120 Yeah, I got out of that, sucker. 277 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:02,080 So, er, car's gone. 278 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:04,000 Someone's nicked our bloody car! 279 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:11,960 So the second rule, really, of self-defence is... 280 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:15,000 Oss. 281 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,200 Oh, it was parked right there! 282 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:19,480 What sort of car was it? 283 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,680 It's a red BMW with a Liberal Democrat sticker. 284 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,680 Ha-ha - they'll be ragging the arse out of that! 285 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:25,720 Dylan. 286 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:28,320 Right, OK, well, I'm going to go home and wait for the police, 287 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,280 so if you see anything, will you keep in touch? Nina! 288 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,840 What? They've already rung the police! 289 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:39,800 Oh, right, so we're just going to sit back and do nothing, are we? 290 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,400 Yes. Again? 291 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:42,480 Yes. 292 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,520 All right, people? Listen up. 293 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:48,400 We're going to split into two teams to scour the area for the car. 294 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,080 Thank you, Steve. 295 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:52,480 Lorna. Team one. 296 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:54,840 Maybe you should get your shoulder seen to. 297 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:59,600 Seen to it myself, Ken. It's dislocated. That's all. 298 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:02,600 Team one - me, Ken, Dale. 299 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,760 No, I should protect the women and children. 300 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,120 Fuck off! 301 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:09,960 OK, team one - me, Ken and... 302 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,600 ..Pepe. 303 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:18,080 Team two - Lorna, Dylan, Connie, Dale. 304 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:21,120 OK, listen, maybe we should have a quick look for the car, 305 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:24,600 but we are not getting into any death-wish vigilante stuff, Steve. 306 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:28,320 Oh! Right, let's fucking do this. 307 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,520 And this is bedroom three, 308 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,680 although of course it doesn't have to be a bedroom - 309 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:41,560 could be anything, a study, a snooker room, a nursery. 310 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:45,760 Come on, blue-sky thinking - what else could this room be? 311 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:46,840 A bedroom? 312 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:47,920 Anything at all. 313 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:50,960 A bedroom. Let your imagination run wild. 314 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,800 Bloody hell, Ben, it's a bedroom! 315 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:55,160 Hey, come on, this is supposed to be fun. 316 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:57,200 Yeah, well, it's really not my idea of fun. 317 00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:01,040 What's not fun about a three-bed semi with a south-facing car port? 318 00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:06,880 I don't think I want to live here. It's really bland. 319 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:12,040 Bland? Bland?! 320 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:15,440 This place is everything we've ever wanted, isn't it? 321 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:19,120 If you don't want this, then what do you want? 322 00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:20,560 I don't know. 323 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:28,320 Is it the house you don't like? Or something else? 324 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,200 Can we just go for a drink somewhere and have a bit of a chat? 325 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,280 Rach, I know I'm not Cuckoo. 326 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,480 I know I'll always be your second choice. 327 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:38,360 No, it's not like that. Yes, it's exactly like that. 328 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,880 Cuckoo will always be your number one. 329 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,920 He's Andy Murray and I'm Jamie Murray. 330 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:46,760 But you know what, Jamie Murray is a bloody good doubles player. 331 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:48,640 I think I need to be on my own for a bit. 332 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:52,200 Rach, please, don't go. I'm not letting you go. 333 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:01,000 Shouldn't we be driving around instead of just sitting in your car? 334 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:02,920 Oh, shut up, you fool. 335 00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:05,760 That road is the main artery to the council estate. 336 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:10,880 The dragon's lair. Pass me those painkillers, would you? 337 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:12,200 Get 'em yourself. 338 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,520 I can't - my shoulder's pressed against the door. 339 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:16,440 If I move, it'll pop out. 340 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:19,040 Here. 341 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:32,040 Should've let me perform the vasectomy. 342 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:36,480 Maybe they cut something they shouldn't have. 343 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:39,160 Maybe you're not producing testosterone any more. 344 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:41,600 I mean, medically speaking, you could be a eunuch. 345 00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:47,800 Hi, Zoe, so, erm, yeah, I'm at this amazing party, 346 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:51,240 and, erm, there's this girl who's, like, all over me. 347 00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:54,240 Erm, so, yeah, I was just checking if we're still exclusive? 348 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,280 Call me. 349 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,160 Jesus Christ, Dale, what are you doing? 350 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,320 Protecting you. 351 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:05,840 There's something so attractive about men who can protect you. 352 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:11,640 Now, don't get me wrong, I love Pepe. He's perceptive, vivacious, 353 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,640 with a wonderfully offbeat sense of humour. 354 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,080 Pepe - is he? 355 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,440 I remember once at Center Parcs a horse trod on my foot 356 00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:19,320 and wouldn't get off. 357 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:22,120 Steve kept punching it in the face until it moved. 358 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,640 You don't forget loyalty like that in a man. 359 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:30,240 Which Center Parcs was it? 360 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,840 There's a storm coming. 361 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:43,560 Yeah. Looks like it's going to rain. 362 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,880 No, I mean between you and Lorna. 363 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:48,640 Cos if the worst has happened and you have been castrated... 364 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,840 I have not been castrated! 365 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:52,320 Let me have a look. 366 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:56,960 There's the car! 367 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,080 Ah! 368 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:05,240 PHONE RINGS 369 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:06,560 Zoe. 370 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,560 No, it's Ben. Can I speak to Dale, please? 371 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:09,960 It's Ben. Don't be long. 372 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,760 Hello. 373 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:13,960 Hi. Have you seen Rachel? 374 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,040 Isn't she with you? 375 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:18,520 We had a few cross words. She said some very naive things 376 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:20,680 about new-build properties and then walked out. 377 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:23,040 Now her phone's off and I don't know where she's gone. 378 00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:25,080 Are you saying you've lost my mom? 379 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:26,160 PHONE RINGS 380 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,440 Hello. Lorn, Lorn, we've found the car! 381 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:30,480 Hi, Lorna. We're on our way. 382 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,400 They've found the car! 383 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:36,520 I gotta find Mom. Dylan, take care of the womenfolk. 384 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,800 OK, buckle up. Here we go. 385 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:51,760 Mum, there's literally about three foot there - are you an idiot?! 386 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:03,120 Mom! 387 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,960 Quick, we're heading into the industrial estate. 388 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:20,040 Argh! Argh! Argh! My shoulder's popped out. Grab the wheel. 389 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:22,360 Steve! The wheel. Argh! 390 00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:24,680 Argh! Argh! 391 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,320 Ow, ah! 392 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,760 When did you pass your test? 393 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:42,440 Steve, focus, watch the road! What the fuck are you doing? 394 00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:43,720 Just drive! 395 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:46,320 Argh! Argh! 396 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:51,400 Oh, God! Ow. Oh! 397 00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:57,360 Steve! You're on full-beam - dip the lights. 398 00:20:57,360 --> 00:21:01,040 Mom! Mom, where are you? 399 00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:09,600 Mom! Mom! 400 00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:17,120 Are you OK? 401 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:18,480 Yeah, I think so. 402 00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:21,480 Let's get you home. 403 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:25,320 Ow! I think it's my ankle. 404 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,560 OK. Come here. 405 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,960 Right, well, we know where he lives - we can call the police. 406 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:50,240 No, Ken. This one is personal. 407 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:53,800 Is that pepper spray? 408 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,680 Yeah, I got it for Connie for her birthday. She's never used it. 409 00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:58,040 Fucking typical. 410 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:03,400 You stay here - leave this to real men. 411 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:11,400 Oi, you! You, stay where you are! 412 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,560 Let me in. Open the door, let me in. 413 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:16,920 Ah. 414 00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:18,600 Keep back, keep back. 415 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,960 Fucking hell! Justice! 416 00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:25,840 Yes! Yes! Hold still, it's over. It's over. 417 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,360 Whoa, what the bloody hell are you doing? 418 00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:30,240 Get off, get off my son! 419 00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:31,400 He attacked me! 420 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:33,920 It was a mistake! I thought you were stealing the car. 421 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:36,080 He texted me to say he was borrowing it, 422 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:37,880 and I left my phone in the house! 423 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:41,080 Well, you could've let us know! We've been looking all night! 424 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:43,480 Whoa, we don't need a lecture from you, sweetheart. 425 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:45,200 You so sure about that? 426 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:48,200 Because we were the victims of crime ourselves the other night, 427 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,600 when some yobbos took Dale's van. 428 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,680 So if we want our streets to be safe, well, 429 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:58,840 it's time parents started taking responsibility for their children. 430 00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:02,560 It was Dylan that crashed your car. He was going to a club. 431 00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:05,680 You! 432 00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:08,440 No, you. You pompous sod. 433 00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:11,800 Look at ya, looking down your nose, at us! 434 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,040 Telling us how to live our lives! 435 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:15,880 When you haven't got a bloody clue! 436 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:17,400 Oh, jog on, Terry. 437 00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:21,760 Jog on? Don't tell me to jog on, you lanky twat! 438 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,240 You! 439 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:34,280 Oh. Oh! 440 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:46,480 Is that too tight? 441 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:47,520 No, it's good, thanks. 442 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:48,560 OK. 443 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:53,160 This is like when we first met. 444 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:55,880 Except it's... it's you that's hurt, not me. 445 00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:57,480 And it's your foot, not my arm. 446 00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:58,520 Yeah! 447 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:01,240 OK. 448 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:05,600 I know it's crazy, but when I first saw you, before I knew you 449 00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,040 were my mom, I, er, 450 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:10,400 I thought you were... 451 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,160 And then we got talking and... 452 00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:19,000 I wish we never found out. 453 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:32,480 Hang on. No, stop - we can't. 454 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:43,720 I chatted with the lady and explained how victims of crime 455 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:47,200 like yourself can often be in a heightened state and completely 456 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:50,880 lose all sense of proportion. She's not pressing charges. 457 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:52,080 Lucky you, eh? 458 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:53,440 Thank God! 459 00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:55,320 All right there, Rocky? 460 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:57,560 I've never seen that side of you before, Ken. 461 00:24:57,560 --> 00:24:59,760 You were like a rampaging stallion. 462 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:02,440 I did just punch a woman, Lorn. Yeah. 463 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,760 Mom? 464 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:25,360 Will you stop calling me that?