1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:09,040 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:16,640 EXCITED SHOUTING 3 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:23,720 DALE: 'Dear Chief Ken, I am writing you from the city Shanghai 4 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:27,000 'in a country the local people call China. 5 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:30,480 'Sorry I took off at Christmas without saying goodbye. 6 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:34,080 'It all got so complicated. I had a lot of thinking to do. 7 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:36,640 'Lichfield, England, is often on my mind, 8 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:39,520 'but Lady Luck's been kind to me these last six months. 9 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:40,880 'I have a place to live 10 00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:44,520 'and a top job in the Shanghai business community. 11 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:48,760 'Yes, Chief Ken, I can say at last with absolutely certainty 12 00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:50,960 'that everything is going my way.' 13 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:57,960 Oh! Hey, guys! 14 00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:02,120 That was a great party last night. It was your birthday, right, Hwang? 15 00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:05,280 A little too much rice wine? You little tearaway! 16 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:06,600 Let me see, 17 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,840 three cold ones coming right up. 18 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,520 He found out. 19 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:15,720 Is he real mad? 20 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:17,920 HE SHOUTS OUT 21 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:32,280 Sorry, I forgot that was there. 22 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:45,440 I just cleaned the place yesterday! 23 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:58,640 Whoo! Now, that's my exercise for the day! 24 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,560 Well, that's not fair, Lu Hong. 25 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:13,840 I taught you how to nunchuk. 26 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:15,760 LU HONG ROARS 27 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,760 HE CHOKES 28 00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:28,760 HE LAUGHS 29 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:32,120 Now look, guys, we're all going to laugh about this someday. 30 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,000 THEY GROAN But for now, 31 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,400 I should probably get on a plane. 32 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:38,320 HE CHOKES 33 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:40,000 Definitely get on a plane. 34 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:58,760 40 minutes?! Mate, my wife is about to give birth here. 35 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:02,920 20 minutes. OK. Yeah. We can hold on for that long. 36 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:03,960 Right. 37 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:07,840 I would like a prawn jalfrezi, a chicken bhuna, naans, 38 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:11,080 all of them - peshwari, keema... Tandoori special. 39 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:14,800 Tandoori special for four. Lovely. Thank you. 40 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:16,440 Well remembered, Dylan. SHE SCOFFS 41 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:19,800 What? The baby's a week late. Curry induces labour. 42 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,240 We've had it three times this week, greedy-guts! 43 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:24,400 Lorna, it's nothing to do with being greedy. 44 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:26,200 This is one of those rare occasions in life 45 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:28,800 when doing the right thing is also doing the tasty thing. 46 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:30,720 SHE LAUGHS Besides, you need 47 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:31,840 to keep your strength up. 48 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,560 It's going to be tough when the baby arrives. Yeah... 49 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:35,840 Ken, you know 50 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,960 these new branches we're opening up in Sutton Coldfield? Yeah. 51 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:44,280 Rachna asked today if I'd oversee them. Sort of head honcho! 52 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:48,680 Congratulations, love! Thanks, Ken. They want me to start straight away. 53 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:51,520 Erm... Hang on. 54 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:55,320 So I was thinking this time round you might handle the baby duties. 55 00:03:56,440 --> 00:04:00,680 Paternity leave? I don't think so! Ha-ha, this is jokes. Interesting. 56 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:04,320 Why not? Well, a bit sudden, isn't it? You've rather sprung it on me. 57 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:08,680 Sort of like you sprang a baby on me by lying about your vasectomy. 58 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:12,120 Yes, Mum. That's the knockout. I mean, in theory, why not? 59 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:14,320 But I'd have to go in and speak to the other partners, 60 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:17,280 and I am hugely important to that firm. 61 00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:19,400 I'm a king to them, in my own humble way. 62 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:22,720 Good. You can go and talk to them tomorrow. Yes. All right. 63 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,400 I mean, yeah, I'll talk to them. Great! 64 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,960 Ha-ha, Dad, going to look after the baby? 65 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:29,800 Going to give it its bockle and wear a pinny 66 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,000 and be the pwimawy carer? 67 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,800 Oh, shut up. I'm not even going to mention this at work. 68 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,880 As soon as your mother lays eyes on that baby 69 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:38,400 and the old oxytocin hormone starts a-flowing, 70 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:41,360 all thoughts of paternity leave will exit her mind. 71 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:46,640 No, I'm just going to ride this out. Yeah, sweet plan, Dad. 72 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,680 Now give me 20 quid or I'll tell Mum. 73 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:53,680 Oh, Dylan? 74 00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:56,400 When you go to university and leave home... Yeah, what? 75 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:59,200 Nothing. It's just a wonderful thought. 76 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:02,280 Bellend. DOORBELL RINGS 77 00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:05,800 Yum-yum, here you are... 78 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,080 Chief Ken! 79 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,560 It's me. Dale. 80 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:14,160 What the hell...? Long time, no see. Dale?! 81 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,480 Well, come on, come in! 82 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,080 Lorna! It's Dale! 83 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:23,400 Touchdown at Thompson Towers. 84 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:26,280 And so concludes another marathon session in the drinking 85 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:27,680 establishments of Lichfield. 86 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:31,800 Thanks for being designated driver. God, it must be boring not drinking. 87 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:35,280 Oh, you know me. Couldn't be boring if I tried. 88 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:36,600 SHE CHUCKLES 89 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:38,960 Oh, I'm so glad we stayed friends. 90 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:41,080 Best friends. Besties! 91 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:44,800 Could have easily been weird, what with us almost being engaged. 92 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,880 Well, technically, we were engaged. You said yes. 93 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,520 But then I said no about ten seconds later. Exactly. 94 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:52,520 So we were engaged for ten seconds. 95 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:56,560 The point is, you're still the love of my life. 96 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:59,080 It's just you're the friend love of my life. 97 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:00,480 I think it's because 98 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,400 it never really got that good for us sexually, did it? 99 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:04,960 Yeah... 100 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,080 Rachel! 101 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:07,200 Hi, Ben. 102 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,640 You have to come in! 103 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:10,600 Dale's back! 104 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:12,680 Oh, fuck off! Oh, my God... 105 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,160 Ben? 106 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,160 How do I look? Not your best. 107 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:23,160 I mean, maybe just stay in the car, wait until he's gone away again. 108 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,440 No, I'm going to go in. 109 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:27,560 Yeah... Wish me luck. 110 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:29,520 Yeah. You go, girl... 111 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,040 HORN BLARES 112 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:34,280 Have fun... 113 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:41,600 Yum-yum in my tum! One thing I've missed while in Asia, good curry. 114 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:46,880 Dale, you look so nice in your suit. Doesn't he, Rach? Yeah. 115 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:50,240 It's very nice. Mr Xi had this suit made for me personally. 116 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:55,520 Oh! Mr Xi is my new mentor. 117 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:59,560 What a wise and inspirational man, let me tell ya! Right. Mm-hm. 118 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:02,880 He's not...another cult leader, is he? 119 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:07,720 Of course not, Lorna! I learned my lesson on that one. 120 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:10,440 You guys must have thought I was a real dope! Well, we did... 121 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,760 No, we did not! No. No. 122 00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:16,560 No, Mr Xi is actually a very successful businessman. 123 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:19,400 So with things going so great for you out there, 124 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:20,920 what brings you back to Lichfield? 125 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:24,640 Well, once a man has found success in his work, 126 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:27,720 his attention turns to matters of the heart. 127 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,880 Oh, Dale doesn't need to go into it just now, does he? No. No, no. 128 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:32,800 Well, you can stay as long as you want. 129 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,640 We're doing up your room for the baby, 130 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,640 so you'll have to stay in Dylan's room. 131 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,520 Well, that isn't happening. Great idea! 132 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:40,080 We could get those old bunk beds out. 133 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:43,080 No, we could get the old bunk beds in your arse. I'm not... 134 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:44,760 Insubordination. 135 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:47,480 It is SO good to have you back, Dale. 136 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:51,320 You can move your old bed out. I'm not touching your clammy mattress. 137 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:56,200 LORNA: He's come back for Rachel! Finally, it's happening. 138 00:07:56,200 --> 00:08:00,120 Love is in the air, Ken. Yeah. And she could do worse, as well. 139 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:01,720 He's a good lad, is Dale. 140 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:05,080 I mean, he's no brainbox, but, y'know, he gets stuck in. 141 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:07,640 I wouldn't want Rach to move to China. 142 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:10,440 Although it is a growing economy, I read. 143 00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:14,640 Yeah. I don't know, y'know? 144 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,960 Rachel's in a bit of a rut right now. Maybe change would do her good. 145 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,880 And if it's Dale, I mean, 146 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:23,600 who cares if he's her dead husband's son by a teenage one-night stand? 147 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:25,040 As the song goes! 148 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,240 DRILL WHIRS 149 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,960 Hey. Well, hey, Mom! 150 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,320 Me and Dylan are just building up these bunk beds. 151 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,600 Yeah. Do you think we could drop the whole "Mom" thing 152 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,560 now that you're back and since we have had...sex? 153 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:46,040 Yeah, that makes sense. 154 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:50,840 Maybe I'll just call ya Rachel. Or Rach. 155 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:53,640 I don't know, I can't choose. I like 'em both. 156 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:56,680 Dale, erm, I've been thinking. 157 00:08:56,680 --> 00:09:02,120 Last time you left so suddenly, and I felt that we had some... 158 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:06,360 talking to do. Yes. Yes, I'm so glad you said that. 159 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:08,800 So maybe we could go out? 160 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,520 There's a neat little Italian just popped up on the high street. 161 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:12,600 Oh, cool. 162 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:17,320 What does he want? No. Erm, it's a restaurant, not a person. 163 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,240 Oh. Got it, got it. I love that. 164 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,760 OK, cool. Um, well... 165 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,440 Goodnight. Goodnight. 166 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:37,160 The car just accelerated away, and... 167 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:40,200 Hey! How are my NCT homies? 168 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:45,120 Hey, Jess! Good to see you! How's it going? Oh, ready to pop. 169 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:50,960 Mark's still in Dubai, so, yeah, poor, deserted, pregnant Jess! 170 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,840 Oh, it's a crying shame. Mm. 171 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:57,240 Well, he sends cheques, so, you know, maybe I should buy a man in. 172 00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,920 How much for this one? 173 00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:02,800 Too much for anyone. I sell by the pound! 174 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,960 Yeah, all right. We're actually overdue now. 175 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:13,000 Oh, well, erm, a friend of mine swears the only thing that works 176 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,800 is nipple stimulation. 177 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:17,600 Oh, yeah? Oh, we'll have to give that a go. 178 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:20,040 Us? Ken, you're naughty! 179 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,280 Ohhh! Oh, no! Oh, hell, no. No! 180 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,240 No, I meant Lorna and I! 181 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:26,880 Oh! Of course! Oh! 182 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:29,400 LAUGHS No, of course! 183 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:32,600 Well... No, you two are... You are the sweetest. 184 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:33,920 I could just eat you up! 185 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:35,440 Rarrr! 186 00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:41,240 Anyway, better run, so, erm, see you on the other side! 187 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,800 Bye! Bye. 188 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:49,440 Good luck! She's the worst. I like her. Because she fancies you. 189 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:52,720 I love you for even thinking that's a possibility. 190 00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:59,520 Right, if I can summarise, Adrian totally cocked things up 191 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:00,760 and now they're suing us. 192 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:03,320 Not a great result, Ken, but I gave it 100%. 193 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,560 Oh, well, as long as you tried(!) 194 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:09,000 All right, thank you, meeting adjourned. 195 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:12,760 Er, sorry, wait, everyone. Er, Ken? Aren't you forgetting something? 196 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,720 I don't think so. 197 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:16,520 All of you, sit down. 198 00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:19,920 Ken, you drongo, you forgot to ask for your paternity leave. 199 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:23,000 What are you doing? Lorna texted me to remind you. 200 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:24,960 So, everyone, Ken really, 201 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:28,880 really wants six months' paid leave to look after his baby. 202 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:34,120 You do realise you're supposed to give six weeks' notice? 203 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:36,680 You really are putting us in a difficult position. 204 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:40,600 Oh, so it's a no, then. Oh, that is a shame. 205 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,840 You'd better text Lorna. Thank you, everyone. 206 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,720 On the other hand, it would be 207 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:47,280 an inspiring example to the female workforce. 208 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:51,440 I think I like it. Jane, are you on crazy pills? 209 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:53,760 We can't do without Ken! 210 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:57,360 He's the big daddy, the grand old duke of law. 211 00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:00,280 He makes it rain like a bloody nimbostratus. 212 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,880 I mean, looking at it objectively, I do see Adrian's point. 213 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:05,480 Oh, I don't know, we're big boys and girls. We can handle it. 214 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:09,960 We'll be fine! Yes, brave words, guys, but let's not be cursory, OK? 215 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,880 Adrian? Maybe unpack what you were saying a little bit more. 216 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:14,560 I don't know, er... Yes, you do. 217 00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:18,160 Why shouldn't I do paternity leave? Er, Ken's the rain maker... 218 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:21,120 You've said that! Well, let's all vote. 219 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,440 Who's for Ken's paternity leave? 220 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,960 That's three for. And against? 221 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:33,640 There's three against. Er... 222 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:37,720 with the senior partner having the deciding vote. 223 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:40,720 Ken, are you really voting against your own paternity leave? 224 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:45,640 No. I must have got confused. 225 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:49,320 I'm voting FOR it, because that's what I want. 226 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:52,720 Great! So, Ken's going on paternity leave, and while he's away, 227 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:55,240 I suppose I'll have to take up the reins. 228 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:59,160 Fantastic. OK, Ken, see you in six months. 229 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:10,640 You would love the food. They have this dish, chicken chop suey. 230 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:12,960 You've tasted nothing like it! 231 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,320 God! It makes me miss travelling listening to you. 232 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:17,240 Travelling is so much fun. 233 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:21,200 So, are you, erm, heading back to China any time soon? 234 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:25,720 Well, I mean, that kinda depends on what happens while I'm here. 235 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:27,720 BOTH: We need to talk about Christmas. 236 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:28,800 Oh! THEY LAUGH 237 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:32,280 Spooky! Yeah! OK, you go first. No, you go. Erm... 238 00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:33,920 just say how you feel. 239 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,600 Look, I was so cut up when you said we couldn't be together. 240 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,720 You see, I was taught to believe that each person on earth was 241 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,240 given only one love. 242 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:48,760 I suppose I just got to believe in second chances. 243 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:54,160 I've fallen for a truly special girl... 244 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,320 ..someone who's beautiful... 245 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,360 and kind... 246 00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:02,680 and clever... 247 00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:04,520 and funny. 248 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:05,960 Oh, yeah? 249 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:09,040 Um, what's her name...this girl...? 250 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,240 Ling. 251 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,320 Ling? Who the fuck is Ling? 252 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:16,560 I mean, Ling...? LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 253 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:20,360 She lives in Shanghai, China. She's Mr Xi's daughter, actually. 254 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:24,880 We fell madly in love, but Mr Xi didn't quite approve of it, 255 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:26,880 so he had me chased out of town. 256 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:30,240 Now I gotta lie low a bit until Ling can talk her dad around. 257 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,280 So you're in love with Ling. Yeah! 258 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,400 And you're just here to hide out from her dad. That's really... 259 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:36,640 That's really great. 260 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,560 LORNA: I am so lucky. 261 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:42,280 I mean, how many other husbands would just drop their career 262 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:45,280 because it is the fair thing to do? 263 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:48,480 Yeah. You're right. I am a great guy. 264 00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:52,040 Having said that... 265 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,880 now I've shown my willingness to take paternity leave, 266 00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:57,120 maybe it's time to ask, 267 00:14:57,120 --> 00:15:01,320 would it be better if I DIDN'T take paternity leave? 268 00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,840 I don't know, Lorn, maybe it would. 269 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,800 Oh, Ken, just grow up. 270 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:08,960 Just because you take time off to look after your own child 271 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,640 does not make you less of a man. 272 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:13,720 DOORBELL 273 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:15,520 You're not getting out of this. 274 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:19,520 Hello, Ken. Oh... 275 00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:23,760 Steve...! We're busy. Go away. It's not a social call, Ken. 276 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,600 As your family doctor, I'm here to check on my patient. Lorna? 277 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:27,720 Hi, Steve. 278 00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:30,600 Ah... Haven't seen you two much since Connie ran off again. 279 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,280 Do you know, I'm just up the road now. 280 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:35,240 You should come round, check out the new hot tub. Got it half-price. 281 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:36,720 Previous owner died in it. 282 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,760 OK. We're using a doctor from the hospital. 283 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:41,880 You don't want to trust those quacks at the so-called "hospital", do you? 284 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:44,920 I was kicked out of the hospital for alleged malpractice. 285 00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:47,040 Won't let me within 20 yards of the place. 286 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:50,160 That is how stupid hospitals are. So there you go. 287 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,680 Let me have a look. Erm... Ken? 288 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,240 Thank you. 289 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:12,120 OK. In my professional opinion, that baby is due any day now. 290 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:14,960 Am I right? It's a week late. It's a week late. 291 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:18,240 Actually getting quite anxious. Don't encourage him! 292 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:19,920 Y'know... 293 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:21,360 a while back... 294 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:24,960 er, I rejected Western notions of medicine. 295 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,880 Lorna, I have a trick that will get that baby 296 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,880 out of you like a rat from a trap. 297 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:34,600 OK, that's a very kind offer, but it's a definite no. Ken! 298 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,480 We've tried everything else. 299 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:40,360 Does this method involve you touching me in any way? No. 300 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,520 I mean, I could... No! No! No. No. 301 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,240 It's fine without. No. 302 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:54,840 For me? 303 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:56,600 Why, thank you. 304 00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:00,800 Point that to the sky, like you're at Ginza or Karnak. 305 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:04,120 Your job is to align the energy fields, Ken. Align them. 306 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:07,080 SHE CHUCKLES 307 00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:08,680 STEVE GRUNTS 308 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,880 OK, Lorna... 309 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:20,280 look at me. 310 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:22,880 Hip si bin ya. Hip si bin ya. 311 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,000 Hip si bin ya! 312 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:28,760 Ha! 313 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:32,200 Up! 314 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,640 Hip bin sin ya. Hip bin sin ya. 315 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:38,560 Hip bin sin ya! Hip bin sin ya... 316 00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:39,680 Hip bin sin... 317 00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:44,000 YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! 318 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:48,000 AAAAA...! 319 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:53,440 Well, you've blown MY mind, Steve. 320 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,360 Steve, you silly beggar, this lump... 321 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:00,400 Oh, my Jesus Christ. 322 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:01,880 SPLASHING 323 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,840 Ken! It's happening! 324 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,560 Bloody hell! Where are my car keys? Where are my car keys, Lorn? 325 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,120 They're in your jacket. 326 00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:10,880 Come on, Ken, get a move on. Victory! 327 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:12,800 Victory! 328 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,680 Come on, pick up! 329 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,480 Ooh! Ben, Ben, the baby's coming. Rachel's not picking up. 330 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,320 I need you to swing by the restaurant... 331 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:20,920 Ken, Ken, hurry up! Thanks, mate. 332 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:27,720 Be fair, Ken, let me finish the job. I'll deliver the baby. Steve...! 333 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,560 It'll be a freebie. Steve, get out. Get out! 334 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:35,240 I've been practising at home. I've been practising! 335 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,120 Honestly, it'd be fine. 336 00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:40,600 Call the baby Steve. Call it Steve! 337 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,920 Rachel! Stop! 338 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,160 Ben? Sorry. CRASHING 339 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:47,840 Rachel, stop it. Stop it immediately. 340 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,120 Your mother's waters have broken. Come on, stand up. 341 00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:52,720 Oh, God. Come on, Dale, stand up. Wrap it up. Let's go. 342 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:54,840 Will you give me a lift? Yeah. 343 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,680 Oh, erm, I'll pay. I'll pay. 344 00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:00,760 Yeah, I would take you, but there's only space for one in the car. 345 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:03,080 Oh, that's fine. It's under 12 miles, right? 346 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,320 I'll jog there. Race ya! 347 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,280 Oh! Ohhh... 348 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:12,840 Oh, Mum! Are you all right? 349 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:17,720 Whoo! These suits were not made for long-distance running! 350 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:19,080 Did a baby come yet? 351 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:23,640 No, no, no, you're all in plenty of time. Dylan! Dylan! Better ring him. 352 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,720 No, I haven't got a signal. I'll be back in a minute, love. 353 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:28,280 Ooh... 354 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:32,160 Obey me, you bastard! Come on! 355 00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:34,120 Come on! 356 00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:36,440 Ken? 357 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:41,360 Ah! You're here, too! Yeah. Looks like it's popping at last. 358 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:42,840 Oh! 359 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:44,920 So, your wife's in too, then? Yeah. 360 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:48,320 Looks like you're going to beat her to it, though. Well done! 361 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,960 Yeah. I suppose I have a fast vagina. 362 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,400 Ooh! 363 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:53,880 SHE CRIES OUT 364 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,480 HE JOINS IN 365 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:57,680 What's happening? What do you think's happening?! 366 00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:00,560 Oh! Get a doctor! Doctor! 367 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,000 We need a doc... 368 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,560 THEY BOTH SHOUT OUT 369 00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:09,720 Good... Just... SHE CONTINUES SHOUTING 370 00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:12,160 HE WAILS 371 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:15,520 Oh, my God, it's happening! 372 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:20,480 Where's Ken? Get Ken! I'll find Ken, Lorna, I promise. Yes! OK. 373 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:24,880 Excuse me, have you seen my giant friend? 374 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,720 His face looks sort of like a really angry eagle. 375 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,400 HE SHOUTS OUT 376 00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:34,000 One more push. Fuck you all! 377 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,360 That's the spirit! 378 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,520 Doctor, could someone help me release this hand? 379 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,560 I've got to be somewhere... Someone calm the father. He's panicking. 380 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,360 The thing is, I'm not the father. 381 00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:46,240 Will you support me, you selfish bastard?! 382 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:49,400 Rachel, never have children. 383 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,880 Where's your bloody dad? 384 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,720 MUSIC: Sinnerman by Nina Simone 385 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,880 BABY CRIES 386 00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:10,800 It's a girl! 387 00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:14,080 Maybe Daddy would like to cut the umbilical cord. 388 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:15,440 See ya later. 389 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,120 What? 390 00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:33,400 Damn you! 391 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,280 Give me the chocolate! 392 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,120 PHONE BEEPS 393 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:43,280 No?! No! 394 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:44,600 NO! 395 00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,360 # Lord, I run to the river 396 00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:55,200 # It was boiling I run to the sea 397 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,520 # It was boiling I run to the sea... # 398 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:00,640 He's like a bear. He's like a big bear. 399 00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:02,240 KEN ROARS 400 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:03,560 OK. 401 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,360 CHIEF KEN! 402 00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:08,680 Sorry, sir. 403 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,200 # Please help me... # 404 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,440 Ken? Ken! 405 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:16,560 Have you seen a really huge man? He calls himself Chief Ken. 406 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:18,520 # He said... 407 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:22,480 # Child, where were you?... # 408 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:24,440 Ohhh! 409 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,080 Shit! Come on! 410 00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,080 One...one... 411 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:30,600 Please! 412 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:35,040 Oh, thank God! I need to get to my wife. Of course! You're Ken, right? 413 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,840 Yes! I'll take you to her. Thank you! Thank you! 414 00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:44,600 BABY CRIES 415 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,160 Ken! You came back! 416 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,240 No! Not you! 417 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:51,880 Not bloody you! 418 00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:58,200 Sorry! 419 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,240 Lorna! 420 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:05,800 Ken? Where were you? 421 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:08,760 I had bad phone reception. 422 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,200 Oh! Chief Ken! I was looking everywhere for you. 423 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:14,640 Ken, I can't believe you... Lorna, shh. 424 00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:16,880 Can we please just enjoy the moment? 425 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,800 Here. Hold your son. 426 00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:21,840 BABY CRIES 427 00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:23,200 Have you got him? Yeah. 428 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:27,520 BABY STOPS CRYING 429 00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:30,040 Oh, Dad, magic touch! 430 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,120 Wow. 431 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:43,080 I'll do it. I'll take the paternity leave. Stuff work. 432 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,320 It's my turn. 433 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:51,280 Well, I'm glad you've come to your senses. Here, pass him over. 434 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:52,960 Greedy-guts. 435 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,040 Number three, eh? 436 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:05,160 At last! I have a son! 437 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,520 Er, Dad, what about Dylan? 438 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:09,480 Oh, yeah. Dylan. 439 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:19,360 Here you go. And if there's anything else you want, just ask. 440 00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:21,760 Wow, I feel like a princess. 441 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:25,280 And all I had to do was push a ginormous baby out of my lulu. 442 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:30,200 Sid's a great name. 443 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,120 Sidney Poitier, Sidney James... 444 00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:36,040 Oh, Sidney Vicious! 445 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,520 There are no bad Sids. 446 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:41,600 What? Just thinking. 447 00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:44,840 By the time Sid's 18, you'll be 65, about to retire, 448 00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:46,400 starting to forget things. 449 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:49,760 Well, that's if your heart hasn't packed in first. Right... 450 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:51,440 Goodnight, Lorna. Goodnight. 451 00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:52,800 Night, Siddles! 452 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:57,040 SID CRIES 453 00:24:57,040 --> 00:25:00,600 Primary carer? I'll start tomorrow. Starting now. 454 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,240 You're not back at work yet. Can't hear you! 455 00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:08,840 Oh, bollocks!