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This programme contains
some strong language
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Ooh, Dr Lucy Worsley!
Ooh, interesting!
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Go away, David Starkey!
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Go away!
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You have no place here.
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BABY CRIES
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Ugh, you're joking.
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You jammy cow.
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Henry Tudor ascended to the throne,
his Yorkish bride at his side.
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And that is Ken Thompson's
world-famous history,
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The War Of The Roses.
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Any comment from you?
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Any insightful analysis?
BABY CRIES
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No? Oh, God, here we go.
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Why paternity leave? Why?!
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Oh!
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Hello...
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Yes, I do deserve them.
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Raaaarghh!!!
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Hi, Ben.
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Sorry, today's going very slowly.
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Still upset about Dale?
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You pined for him for ages,
and then he came back,
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head over heels in love
with someone else.
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I wasn't thinking about that,
actually, but thanks
for the reminder.
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No problemo!
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And, prepare for your day to be
turned around -
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because someone is
getting a promotion.
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It's you! A promotion?
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But, Ben, I never
applied for anything!
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OK, so, Cathy is
retiring as office manager,
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and Jane wanted a settled,
mother-hen-type figure for
the office.
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I looked her straight in the eyes
and I said,
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"Rachel. The mother-hen
you want is Rachel."
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OK, Ben, I didn't ask...
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Almost 8k more, and there's a
guaranteed 12-month
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full maternity cover, should you
ever, you know, want to settle down.
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With someone.
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So, what do you think?
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RACHEL SOBS
Rachel, please, please stop crying!
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It's unfathomable!
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I'm interesting, Ben!
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I've seen the world!
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I've read Paulo Coelho!
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I do not want to
be an office manager!
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But you're an office assistant.
It's the way the world works.
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I'd imagine that Paulo Coelho
was an assistant...
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inspirational novelist!
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But what if I
need more with my life, Ben?
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Are we talking a sideways
move into HR?
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No!
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No, but don't dismiss it
out of hand,
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it's got great career progression!
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Dale?
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When you were a businessman,
what area were you in, exactly?
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Well, my boss, Mr Z, insisted
on secrecy in all his dealings.
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A little quirk of his!
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But I was across a few areas.
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Client facing, results oriented.
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Sorry if I'm bamboozling you with
all this jargon!
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Well, I must say,
it all sounds very impressive.
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Hey, guys. Oh, Mom, you're home!
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How was your day? Yeah, fine.
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I hope you're hungry.
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It's di shui dong
ribs with braised eggplant.
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Oh, sounds tasty.
Always Ling's favourite.
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Yeah, I'll probably just
have it in my room.
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Something's up with Mom.
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I mean, ever since I got
back from China,
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she seems to be acting really cold
towards me.
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Well...
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It can be hard, can't it?
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Getting reacquainted with people
you've had a thing with?
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Oh, well, yes,
but not in this instance.
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You see, before I went away,
Rachel told me
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it was wrong that
I was in love with her.
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So now I've found love with Ling -
who is amazing, by the way -
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my friendship with Rachel should be
blossoming as never before.
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Hello, my family.
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Oh, someone's had
a nice day. Sid on good form?
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Sidney was his usual truculent self.
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But Daddy has found something to put
a spring in his step.
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Really? What's that?
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Ooh!
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Tasty!
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Ruby red and bright as a button,
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a colourful trouser for a
happy fellow.
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Who is this jaunty gentleman,
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peacocking his way
around the Lichfield scene?
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Why, it is I, Kenneth!
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You're having a mid-life crisis.
Oh, shut up.
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Feast your eyes on the rich
and velvety material.
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Wow, are those traditional
costume, Ken?
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Yes, Dale, as traditionally
worn by Laurence Llewelyn Bowen!
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I'm a shining star of manhood.
I'll burn them.
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You'll have to burn my legs, then,
cos they're not coming off.
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Ha-ha, you did it, Dad,
you brought twat to the next level.
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You bellend!
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Hey, can I have a lift? No.
Where you going? Seeing Zoe.
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It's a week till she goes to uni,
I think I can get to ten more shags.
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But I have to see her every day.
Mum, lift?
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All right, for young love.
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RACHEL: Guys!
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Oh, God, it's like an omen!
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Practically the first job
to come up, and it is perfect!
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Since when are you looking
for a job?
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Since I realised
I couldn't spend another day in that
office full of deadbeats.
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That would
be my office then. Yep!
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There's a new position at this
ace human rights charity,
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the Pegasus Alliance.
Oh, Nina runs that!
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Yes, that's Nina's.
She speaks of it relentlessly.
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I'm going to make start on
the application now.
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Oh, yes! Food!
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There you go, Mom.
Lovely, thank you. Delicious.
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Oh, nice trousers!
I thank you.
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Give 'em me. Never!
You know I'm going to burn them.
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You are not going to burn them.
Ken, I cannot see them, I cannot...
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Ignore her! I am the red-pantalooned
Pied Piper of all women!
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Oh!
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Rachel, that is hands down
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the most moving job application
I've ever read.
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I mean, your desolate days
after Cuckoo died,
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your nights of sleepless crying?
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I don't know if I'm
ever going to be happy again.
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I really appreciate that, guys.
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I mean, I did put my heart
and soul into it, so...
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Chief Ken, you have to read
Rachel's job application,
it'll change your life.
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Oh! It's the
saddest book I've ever read.
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And I've read five books.
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Really?! That good, is it?
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Any criticism, however small,
is gratefully received, so...
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OK, let's have a look.
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It's quite full-on.
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Yeah.
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How long is it till the deadline?
Midnight.
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Four hours? That's...
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That's not enough time!
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That's not enough time!
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TYPING
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OK, quarter of an hour to go.
Come on, hand it in!
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Ken, how could it possibly
need this much work?
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Don't blame me,
I'm not the one who wrote
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a job application in the style
of Angela's Ashes.
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Dad, it says they're looking for
someone creative. Don't be so naive.
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Creative means,
"Will take less money if
they're allowed to wear jeans".
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There. It's ready,
your dad has saved the day.
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"I have good organisation and
experience of Excel."
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Ooh, this one's good too!
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Budge up, I'm just going to upload
it onto their server.
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And...send.
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OK, why isn't it sending?
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Send!
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Dad, why isn't it sending?
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Well, hang on...
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Send it! I'll do it...
What's wrong with this robot?
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Three...
It's frozen. For God's sake! Two...
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One! Come on!
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Midnight!
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Oh, thank God!
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Ah, there we are! Well done, love!
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Well done. Close though!
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That was close.
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NOTIFICATION BEEP
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"The deadline
passed at midnight on the 21st,
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"we are no longer
considering applications"?
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What?! Bollocks!
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Oh, fuck you!
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Oh, well, thanks a bunch, Dad!
That really helped(!)
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What?
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No way was that my fault.
Oh, Jesus, Ken.
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KNOCKING
Go away.
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Hey, it's just Dale.
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00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:10,520
You OK? I don't get it, Dale.
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Three years and not one thing has
gone right for me.
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Am I cursed or something?
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That is quite
the run of bad luck, huh?
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First, your husband died in
the Himalayas,
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then the website froze.
It's a double whammy.
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Close the door
on your way out, OK?
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Yeah, will do.
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Hey, you know what Mr Z used to say
when a business decision
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or something didn't go his way? No.
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SPEAKS CHINESE
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Oh, it means,
"The harder the battle,
the more brave the men become."
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Dale, I don't know who's told you
you're a businessman, but as far
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00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:51,760
as I can tell, all you seem to do is
wear a suit and sunglasses.
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Indoors!
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I know, I have skills.
I can help you.
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No.
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00:09:56,800 --> 00:10:00,840
Unless you can make Nina take a
late submission for this job,
you can't.
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00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:07,400
You try your best to help them,
and what thanks do you get?
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00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:10,400
Sid's the most direct, he
just goes ahead and defecates on me.
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00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:11,600
Poor Rach.
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00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:16,080
First, Dale comes back, mooning over
some other girl, then this job.
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She was really excited about it.
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I know.
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00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:22,440
In many ways,
that job was her red trousers.
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00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:26,240
What sort of an evil witch denies
a person their red trousers?
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00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,840
I can turn this round.
I'll go and see Nina tomorrow.
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00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:32,560
See if the old Thompson
silver tongue can persuade her.
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00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:34,800
You vomited on her.
That was ages ago.
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00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,280
You punched her in the face.
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00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:39,320
You completely ruined their
Christmas concert. Yes, all right.
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00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:40,360
They were more recent.
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00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:43,120
But you're forgetting that in a
previous, more pleasant life,
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00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,280
I was one of Lichfield's
finest lawyers.
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00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:48,560
A professional in the art
of persuasion. Ooh!
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00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:50,800
What are you going to persuade
me to do?
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00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:53,960
Hmm, well,
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00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,760
I can think of a few things. Good!
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00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:59,280
Well, tell me about them
in the morning.
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00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,280
Lorna, that's not fair,
you started that! I know.
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00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:03,680
Sometimes I'm all talk.
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00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,920
KNOCKING
Come in!
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00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,480
Ken!
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00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:11,840
Nina!
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00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,840
And baby! Yes! Aw!
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00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,280
Erm...
219
00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:23,920
Oh, golly gosh!
Look at your trousers, wow!
220
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,360
Getting a lot of trouble from bulls?
221
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:30,800
I don't know yet, I've been avoiding
the bull farm! The bull farm!
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00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,480
Please do sit. May I? Yes, please.
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00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:38,160
There we are.
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00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:41,280
So, I haven't seen you since you
ruined the Christmas concert.
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00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:45,440
Oh, Nina, I am
so sorry about the concert.
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00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,360
And, of course,
about the punch and...
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00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:49,480
you know, the vomit.
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00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:55,240
You're forgiven. I'm not the sort
of person who carries grudges. Aw!
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00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:59,240
So, what do you want?
I imagine I will grant it.
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00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:04,280
Well, Rachel was making
an application for the job
at your charity.
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00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:06,560
And - it's a funny story,
actually...
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00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,320
Ha-ha-ha!
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00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:10,560
Ah-ha. Erm...
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00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:12,720
She tried to send it last
night online,
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00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:16,680
and, Gordon Bennett, your website
was frozen. It wouldn't send!
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00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:20,080
Oh, shame,
so she missed the deadline? Yes.
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00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:25,720
But I thought, never mind, print
off a hard copy and just bring it
in.
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00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,480
Sometimes the old-fashioned
ways are the best.
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00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:30,840
Ken, no, I'm sorry,
240
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:34,080
I couldn't accept an application
past the deadline. Oh.
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00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:36,040
Oh, no, she tried to make
the deadline, so...
242
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:38,000
No, yes, well -
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00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:40,280
I couldn't give
Rachel special treatment, you know.
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00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:42,160
Everyone knows how close we are.
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00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:45,920
Do they? Yes, they do, Ken.
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00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,560
No, I'm sorry, it would be immoral
of me to read it.
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00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,760
Oh, Nina...
248
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,440
(Who would know?)
249
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:58,280
I would know, Ken.
250
00:12:58,280 --> 00:12:59,320
OK.
251
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,600
OK, well.
252
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,200
It's there, if you change your mind.
253
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,760
No, I won't!
254
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:09,320
I'm pretty sure you will.
I won't. Bye-bye.
255
00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:10,680
Hmm...
256
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:12,120
You might! I won't.
257
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:13,160
Aw.
258
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:15,760
SIGHS
259
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:21,440
Dad?
260
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:24,600
Ooh, I like those trousers,
Ken, Lord, I do! Of course you do.
261
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,360
Mind if I buy a similar pair?
Yes, I mind.
262
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:30,320
Do not. So, how'd it go?
263
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:32,280
Bad news, I'm afraid, love.
264
00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:34,240
Nina was completely unreasonable.
265
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:35,880
Oh, well.
266
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,520
Thank you, universe(!)
267
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:38,760
Oh, love.
268
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:42,400
Listen,
269
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,640
I probably just caught
her on a bad day.
270
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:47,520
It'll be all right,
I'll have another word with her.
271
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:50,640
Hey, listen -
how about I put Sid down,
272
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:53,840
then I go and get us some Magnum
out the freezer?
273
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:56,040
Huh? Go on, then.
274
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,360
Ben, do you want one?
275
00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:59,960
Plain chocolate, please, Ken,
the almond ones give me hives.
276
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,160
HE WHISTLES
277
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,160
(What the f...?)
278
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:23,360
(Chief Ken!)
279
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:25,800
(Hey!)
280
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:30,360
A little something I'm
doing for Rachel.
281
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:31,880
It's Nina!
282
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:35,840
What have you done, you lunatic?!
283
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,920
It's going to be a
while before she wakes up.
284
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,520
But, when she does,
285
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:42,320
I reckon she's going to consider
Rachel for that job after all.
286
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:46,440
Please say this isn't happening!
287
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,320
Oh, bollocks!
288
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,480
Dad, don't promise ice cream
and not...
289
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:53,520
Shh!
290
00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:58,160
What?!
291
00:14:58,160 --> 00:14:59,960
Oh, my God! What's going on?
292
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:02,280
It's Dale, he's kidnapped Nina!
Dale!
293
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:05,800
Yeah, it's a fail-safe business
technique I learned in China.
294
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:08,320
Step one - put your intended
business partner
295
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,320
in a room with a bag
over their head.
296
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:13,840
Step two - they'll pretty much do
anything you want.
297
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,680
Like give you the job
of your dreams.
298
00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:17,400
You kidnapped Nina for me?
299
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:18,640
You're welcome, Mom.
300
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:22,120
Now, we'll get to negotiations
just as soon as the chloroform
wears off.
301
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,320
Chloroform?!
302
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:27,040
Yeah. Dale, we could go
to prison! Kidnapping is illegal!
303
00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:28,960
Well, not if it's
for business purposes.
304
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,280
Yes, it's still exactly as illegal.
305
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,440
Pretty sure you're wrong about that,
Chief Ken,
306
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,560
because Mr Z, he did
kidnappings all the time.
307
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:38,600
And if that was illegal,
that would make him a criminal!
308
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,360
Which he always insisted he wasn't.
309
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:44,440
Dale, you have done a very bad thing
here, do you understand?
310
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:48,200
A very, very bad thing!
Ken? Is that you?
311
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,640
Yes, it was definitely you.
312
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:53,440
I'd know your voice anywhere.
313
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:55,560
Oh...
314
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,480
Yes.
315
00:15:58,480 --> 00:15:59,520
Hi?
316
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:01,400
Oh, God, where are we?
317
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,920
Ken, have they kidnapped you too?
318
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:05,440
Yes.
319
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:07,320
I've been kidnapped too.
320
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:08,680
I don't know by whom,
321
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:09,960
or why,
322
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,160
but... Oh!
323
00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:15,400
MUFFLED: Ah!
I'm being dragged away now, Nina!
324
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,240
I'm being dragged away now!
325
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:19,280
They're dragging me out now! Ken?!
326
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,520
ON MONITOR: 'Ken!'
You're insane! You're insane!
327
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,240
Chief Ken, I've got all covered.
Look.
328
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:25,200
'..if you touch
a hair on his head...!'
329
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:28,600
It's vital to track
negotiations at all times.
330
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:32,640
I improvised with Sid's
baby monitor! How neat is that?
331
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:35,120
It is very far from neat.
332
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,880
What the hell are we going to do?
333
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:40,320
Dale, what sort of business did Mr Z
run exactly? All sorts.
334
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:44,640
Clubs, casinos, security services to
local businesses. Oh, my God.
335
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:47,280
Oh, yeah, and he shipped
a hell of a lot of poppy extract!
336
00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:50,520
Dale, I think Mr Z may have been
a gangster.
337
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:51,640
Right.
338
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,560
And I suppose Chun Pat was
a gangster too, and Sen Yi?
339
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,200
And all my fun Triad buddies?
340
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,280
You are shitting me!
341
00:16:58,280 --> 00:16:59,640
I'm not shitting you.
342
00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:01,680
BEN: Ken, addendum RE:
the chocolate ices,
343
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:03,160
almond ones are still a no-go,
344
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:06,240
but I'd say a big yes to one
of the mini ones... Ben, shut up!
345
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:10,040
Dale's kidnapped Nina, she's tied up
and drugged in our garage.
346
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,040
Ha-ha-ha! Oh, you got me!
347
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:13,480
NINA: 'Help!
348
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:15,760
'Tell my children I love them!'
349
00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:17,400
WAILS
350
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,640
Oh, my God, this is a crime!
351
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:20,840
I'm implicated.
352
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,840
The Law Society will be furious!
353
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:24,320
I need to get out of here.
354
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:25,440
Ben, stay.
355
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:26,960
OK, I'll stay.
356
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,760
We need to come up with a
plan here, people.
357
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:31,280
Golly gosh, Chief Ken,
if you're so worried about it,
358
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:34,320
I can just take Nina back.
Nina thinks I've been kidnapped too!
359
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:35,360
If you take her back,
360
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:38,520
the first person the police will
investigate is me! For what?
361
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:42,200
It's not like we're doing anything
illegal, guys. It IS illegal!
362
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:45,040
DYLAN: All right, losers?
NINA: 'Help! Help!'
363
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:48,120
Dale kidnapped Nina for me.
That is extreme.
364
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:49,320
Cool.
365
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:52,160
Right, well, I'll be in my room.
Get back here!
366
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:55,080
We need to decide what to do,
otherwise Dale is going to prison,
367
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,400
and Ben and I are going to
lose our livelihoods.
368
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,720
Imagine not being a lawyer!
I can't, I really can't!
369
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:02,280
DOORBELL
370
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,160
Oh, it's you.
371
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,240
What do you want? Just being
a friendly neighbour, Ken.
372
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:16,600
We've had some complaints,
a woman was heard wailing.
373
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:19,720
Clearly audible from behind those
bushes over there.
374
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:23,600
And who was listening from the
bushes? I can't divulge my sources.
375
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:27,480
Seriously, Ken, what's happening?
(Is it Lorna?)
376
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,280
NINA: '..untie me from this chair!'
377
00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:30,760
Yes. Say no more.
378
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:33,400
Bit of 50 Shades in the garage, huh?
379
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,920
Nothing could be more natural.
Or beautiful.
380
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:38,160
Can I...? No.
381
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:40,760
I didn't finish. You're going to ask
if you could watch. I was.
382
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:41,920
Can I...?
383
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,480
'You won't get away with this!
384
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,920
'You mark my words,
you won't get away with this!'
385
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:47,080
Right.
386
00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:48,440
We have to shut her up.
387
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,240
NINA SCREAMS
388
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,080
Oh, Ken, thank God!
389
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:56,720
Oh, Ken, what did they do to you?
390
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:59,120
RACHEL, AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:
Be quiet there, mate.
391
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:01,480
BEN, AUSTRALIAN:
You bloody stay there,
392
00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:04,360
otherwise I'll put you on the
barbie, ya cockatoos.
393
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:08,000
OK, one of them's Australian,
and the other, I just have no idea.
394
00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:10,800
Where are we?
395
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:12,120
It's impossible to say.
396
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:14,840
Stop complaining,
you pommy bastard!
397
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:19,360
Or I'll put you on the barbie,
you cockatoos.
398
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:22,280
OK, Ken, look,
just don't provoke him, OK?
399
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:24,800
Please, what do you want from us?
400
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:28,760
Why are we here?
401
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:34,800
You must have taken
us hostage for a reason?
402
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:40,400
OK, this is the way I see it -
403
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:43,080
me and my very good friend Nina
here are trapped,
404
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:46,240
so why don't you go
and talk amongst yourselves
405
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:49,120
and decide on how we can resolve
the situation, yeah?
406
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:51,360
NORMAL: Oh, good plan, Ken! Erm...
407
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:53,440
AUSTRALIAN: I mean...
408
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:54,600
Bonza!
409
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,320
Jeepers, Ken.
410
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:04,320
I don't know how you
remain so brave and masterful.
411
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:06,520
I mean, that was like you were
giving them orders.
412
00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:08,120
Nina, you can't show them any fear.
413
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:10,120
That is the first rule of
being kidnapped
414
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:11,840
by enigmatic terrorist vigilantes.
415
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:14,960
OK, well, they've left us alone now,
and that was their first mistake,
416
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,040
cos we can talk, right?
417
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:19,920
So, I would say...
418
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:23,720
I think we're in the garage
of a suburban house.
419
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:27,040
Or a lock-up, or a bunker. Let's
not jump to conclusions. Hmm...
420
00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:29,920
Unlikely. I mean, look,
there's a ripper skateboard there.
421
00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:31,760
My Neil's got one of those.
422
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,720
No, my guess would be
423
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:39,120
we're in a family home where there's
a son about Neil's age.
424
00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:40,560
Stop guessing, Nina!
425
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,680
OK? It's a trap!
426
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:44,880
Everything in here is
designed to make us
427
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,680
think what they want us to think.
428
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,200
Believe nothing.
429
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,880
Trust no-one.
430
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:52,720
Ugh!
431
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,200
OK, so far, we have three ideas.
432
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,400
Number one - convince Nina this
is all a dream.
433
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,280
That one's my favourite.
Number two -
434
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,360
something about fridges.
435
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:05,200
Yeah, no,
that never really developed.
436
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,960
Number three - kill ourselves and
frame her for the murder.
437
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:10,840
Yeah, thanks, Dylan.
It's not all mine. I saw it on CSI.
TEXT MESSAGE
438
00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:13,160
Oh, Zoe. Laters!
Dylan, where are you going?
439
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:16,840
Seeing Zoe?
Got nine shags to go.
440
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:20,280
So, I have an idea, but you're not
going to like it. Go on, then.
441
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:25,360
What if we hand Dale into the police
and he takes the rap for everything?
442
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,600
Wow! That's great idea!
443
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,840
I knew there was a way out,
you brainy box!
444
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:35,040
Good job, buddy. I'll just go to
jail. How long will I be there?
445
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,120
Five, ten years?
446
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,200
I'll be out before you can say
lickety-split!
447
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,960
Dale, you do not want to go to jail.
448
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:45,680
You know what happens to athletic
young men in jail.
449
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,600
Are they made to do gymnastics?
Because I LOVE gymnastics!
450
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:50,000
So it's sorted then!
451
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:53,400
Dale, when you give yourself up,
make sure that you say that you take
452
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:56,680
absolutely all the blame for
everything, OK? No, stop, OK.
453
00:21:56,680 --> 00:22:01,040
There has to be another way.
Dale is fine with it. OK?
454
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:03,840
Now, I'm just going to make
a little call...
455
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:07,000
Rachel, I know it's hard.
456
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,640
But you will thank me when Dale
is in jail
457
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:12,800
and we are not in jail. OK.
458
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,120
Quick, stop him!
459
00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:15,640
Quick! Dale!
460
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:21,920
Ben, I know this is tough, but you
do understand, don't you? Yeah?
461
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,440
Sorry, buddy, had to do it.
462
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,640
BABY CRIES
463
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:32,560
Why is that baby crying?
464
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,320
What are they doing to it?
465
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:36,720
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE BABY?!
It's probably nothing.
466
00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:38,960
We just need to be quiet and...
467
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,960
maybe, in our hearts,
468
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,200
start to think about forgiving
our captors.
469
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:44,840
This could be the end, Ken.
470
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:48,400
I'd like to thank you for being
here with me.
471
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:54,560
I mean, I had no choice.
No, no, you have been wonderful.
472
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:59,320
'In fact, I've got a confession to
make. It's about Rachel.'
473
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:02,320
I didn't mind that Rachel got
her application in late.
474
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:05,040
Oh, well, that's excellent news!
475
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:07,560
No, no, to be honest,
476
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:09,760
'she just wasn't
really good enough for the job.
477
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:12,400
'I mean, you know, this is a very
prestigious position.'
478
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:16,040
We were looking for go-getters,
and Rachel skipped university
479
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:17,760
and hasn't really done much
480
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,760
'but sit on her arse ever since.'
481
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:23,160
'You know, we were hoping for a
certain standard of applicant,'
482
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:25,560
and she is very far off it!
483
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:33,200
Yeah. Yeah, must be
nice to get that out in the open.
484
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:38,560
Oh, wow.
485
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:42,640
I'm so sorry, Rach.
486
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,600
No, it's OK.
487
00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:47,120
God, look at us!
488
00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:50,200
You thinking you
were a businessman, and me
489
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:54,040
thinking I had any kind of a future
when it's already past rescuing.
490
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,120
Couple of idiots.
491
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:08,320
Oh, look, that must've come out the
bag the kidnappers put on my head.
492
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:10,520
A receipt?
I wouldn't bother with that.
493
00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:13,120
No, it's fine,
I can read it from here.
494
00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:18,760
"One pair of cherry
red trousers, 44" waist."
495
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:20,000
Yeah.
496
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:23,480
That is quite interesting.
That sounds like your trousers.
497
00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:24,760
What trousers?
498
00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:26,760
The ones you're wearing.
499
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:31,440
Well, that's... It's odd that the
kidnappers would use your
shopping bag.
500
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:33,040
Unless we're in your house?
501
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:39,080
Ken, I think this is your garage.
502
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,400
Nina, this is not my garage.
503
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:44,400
Ken, what is going on?
504
00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:47,440
Nina, this is NOT my garage.
505
00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:51,560
This is not my bloody garage, Nina!
506
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:54,200
I swear...
DOOR OPENS
507
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,080
Ken, it's Lorna!
508
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:10,560
What are you doing
tied up there, you drombats?
509
00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:13,560
Ken, this IS your garage!
YOU kidnapped me!
510
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:17,080
Wrong, Nina!
511
00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:19,880
Really wrong! Rachel?
512
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:25,520
Yeah, Nina, maybe my CV is rubbish,
but you said I'm not a go-getter.
513
00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:27,480
Well, how go-getting's this?
514
00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:29,280
I kidnapped you. What?!
515
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:31,480
I had to get your attention somehow.
516
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:33,880
And if taking you hostage is what
it takes for you to
517
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:36,960
consider my application, well, yeah,
I don't regret it.
518
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:40,120
Rachel, kidnapping is a crime.
519
00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:42,760
Yes. Kidnapping IS a crime.
520
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:48,960
It's happening to women and children
in North Korea, Nepal...
521
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,040
Erm... Somalia...
522
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:52,680
Haiti. Haiti.
523
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:55,040
And we should be fighting it!
524
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:58,160
Because, sometimes,
to fight a crime,
525
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:00,440
you have got to commit
a crime yourself!
526
00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:01,960
Oh-ho, yes!
527
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,320
That is a beautiful thought!
528
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:06,280
Give me that job, or bloody hell,
529
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:09,280
I'll just had to keep kidnapping you
until you do!
530
00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:10,800
OK, Rachel,
531
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:13,320
I'm having a hard time processing
your logic.
532
00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:15,560
Yeah, I get that. But, erm...
533
00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:18,560
I loved it.
534
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:24,160
I think that is the bravest job
request I've ever had.
535
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:27,680
You've got the job! Ha-ha!
536
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:28,880
Great! Hell, yeah!
537
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:34,760
Yes! Wow, Ken, I bet you were along
with this all along, weren't you?
538
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:35,920
I might have been.
539
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:38,080
I definitely was!
540
00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:39,240
Untie me, now.
541
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:41,000
Do you know what, I always thought
542
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:44,280
you were a bit more of a comedian
than an actor, but you're both.
543
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:46,760
Yeah, group hug!
544
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:48,360
Come on! Aw!
545
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:51,760
I told you it'd work, Chief Ken.
546
00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:57,520
Wow.
547
00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:59,720
So I spent six months furthering
the interests
548
00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:03,320
of an international
criminal organisation? Yeah.
549
00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:08,000
God, it must make you rethink
your whole China experience, eh?
550
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,400
Everything you did.
551
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:12,520
Everyone you met?
552
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:13,560
Yeah.
553
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:16,400
Well, except for Ling. I
remain as in love with her as ever!
554
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:17,880
Hello, you two.
555
00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:19,520
Hey, Chief Ken.
556
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:22,240
I've been doing some research.
557
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:25,520
Turns out you were right about
that Triads thing.
558
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:27,400
I was fairly sure.
559
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:28,920
It's such a shame.
560
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,960
I'll miss having a vocation in life.
561
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:35,280
Dale, Ken and I have had a chat.
562
00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:38,560
Thing is, I could do with some help
looking after Sid.
563
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:40,760
And you clearly can't be trusted on
your own, so...
564
00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:43,880
So we thought, how do you fancy
being Sid's nanny? Aw!
565
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:46,360
A nanny? Is that a real job?
Sure it is.
566
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:48,440
You'd live with me
and Lorn, just like you do now,
567
00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:52,320
and you'd help me take care
of my darling heir and shit factory.
568
00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:53,480
Wow!
569
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:55,880
That's amazing!
How much would I earn?
570
00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:58,240
50 quid a week?
571
00:27:58,240 --> 00:27:59,760
50 quids a week?
572
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:04,920
No way! I'm rich
beyond my wildest dreams!
BABY CRIES
573
00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:07,440
There you go, you can start now.
574
00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:09,600
Roger that, Chief.
575
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:11,160
Oh, Dale?
576
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:14,360
You can do the night shift as well.
I'll get some kip.
577
00:28:14,360 --> 00:28:16,800
I'll stay up all night!
578
00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:20,720
This is going to be like a
sleepover, except I'm totally alone!
579
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:21,760
Goodnight, guys!
580
00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:25,080
Dad, 50 quid?
581
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:26,720
Yeah, you are a tight stink.
582
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:29,360
Shit!
583
00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:30,600
Did anyone untie Ben?