1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:09,040 This programme contains strong language. 2 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:12,920 Or we could just buy me a hi-fi. 3 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:14,440 Concentrate. 4 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:18,560 Sid's going to be spending more time in his baby stroller than anywhere else. 5 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:21,120 It's like the office was for you when you were a working man. 6 00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:24,640 Ah, yes! Those happy times! 7 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:26,120 That one with blue on it? 8 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:27,600 What? The aluminium frame? 9 00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:29,240 Then I don't know, Dale! 10 00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:32,080 What happened to the time when you just chucked them in a pram 11 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:33,640 and listened to Screamadelica? 12 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:34,680 Ken! 13 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:39,520 Jess! Haven't seen you since that time at the hospital. 14 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,440 The time I gave birth! And you... 15 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:43,920 Yeah, that time, yeah. How's motherhood? 16 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:46,640 Loving it. And paternity leave? 17 00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:48,760 How does it feel to be a feminist icon? 18 00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:51,960 What can I say? I'm a hero to all women. 19 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,880 THEY LAUGH 20 00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:58,240 Ah, the stroller debate. Marc and I went for that one. 21 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:02,920 The Jill Cotterill. It's durable, light, turns into a car seat. 22 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:04,560 Oh, gosh, she's a beauty! 23 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:09,200 And so this horrific experience draws to a close! 24 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,000 I owe you, Jess. 25 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,320 Don't be silly! 26 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,280 Actually, you know what? 27 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:19,120 I'm doing this mums' group thing with some of the girls from NCT. 28 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:20,360 You should come. 29 00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:25,720 Bloke? At a mums' group? Think that might be a bit weird. 30 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:29,280 And I said to the doctor, "Hey, sonny - what about MY mastitis?" 31 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:31,520 THEY LAUGH 32 00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:33,320 Oh! Right, cake o'clock, I think. 33 00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:35,520 Don't you shake your head at me, Jenny. 34 00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:38,760 That baby weight is dropping right off and you bloody deserve it! 35 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:40,560 Excuse me for a second, ladies. 36 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:46,360 Cake report. This is going to be the best darn coffee cake 37 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:48,200 those girls have ever tasted! 38 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:51,160 Who would have thought that mums' group would be so ace? I know! 39 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,120 We get to enjoy all of the fun and gossiping 40 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:55,080 but we get to avoid the catty infighting. 41 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:57,240 Oh, by the way, Beth said your fruit cake was dry. 42 00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:59,480 Prissy little tart! Right. 43 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,880 Left the stuff for my meeting! 44 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:04,640 Ooh! How's your coffee morning going? 45 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:07,520 Tremendously! Ken has a foolproof system. 46 00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:10,880 I do. I prepare all the food, clean the house and wash up. 47 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,680 Ken is the social face of the operation - 48 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:16,040 occupying the guests, and checking the food is tasty. 49 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:17,200 Sounds about right! 50 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:20,400 Right, now, you wash up. You - come and meet the girls! 51 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,360 So, everyone... 52 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:27,040 Oh, Ken - busted! Now Laura's going to know about your daytime harem! 53 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:29,320 HE LAUGHS It's not a harem. 54 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:32,880 Well, I think we would ALL like to thank you for letting us 55 00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:34,280 borrow him, Laura. 56 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:38,280 With Marc in Dubai, Ken's the only male company I get! 57 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:41,240 Well, I hope he's not droning on about history too much! 58 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:44,120 You! Why would you say that, Laura? 59 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:47,520 Ken is a fascinating intellect. I hope you appreciate him! 60 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:49,320 I do. And it's Lorna. 61 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,480 What's Lorna, Laura? My name - it's Lorna. 62 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:54,640 What? No! 63 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:59,080 Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! So embarrassing! Oh, ha-ha! 64 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,600 Lorna. Yeah. Lorna. 65 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:03,000 SHE LAUGHS 66 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,600 Not Laura. Lorna. 67 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:08,320 OK! Well. Back to work. 68 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:09,600 THEY CHORTLE 69 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:14,200 Oh! By the way, save the 25th for Eliza's christening. 70 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:15,880 Only right you should be there, Ken, 71 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:17,640 seeing as you were there at liftoff. 72 00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:19,720 What? How do you mean, there at liftoff? 73 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:22,680 I think what Jess means is we were both at the same hospital 74 00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:24,680 when the babies came. Right, Jess? 75 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:26,800 Right. Well, so just think about it! 76 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:27,840 SHE LAUGHS 77 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:31,880 She's a head case. No, she's OK. 78 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:35,000 Nope, she's a head case. See you later! 79 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,440 Squeeze Sid for me. 80 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:42,200 HE SIGHS 81 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,320 Jess. What was that about? 82 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:47,280 Of course I haven't told Lorna that I was at Eliza's birth! 83 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,400 What? You haven't told her? 84 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:53,560 No, I haven't told her. Because of you, I missed Sid's birth! 85 00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:56,080 If Lorna finds out, I'll get murdered in my sleep, 86 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,280 so keep it to yourself! 87 00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:01,480 Um...oh. It's a bit weird. I mean, so what? 88 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:06,720 You held my hand as I gave birth. It was an act of kindness. 89 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:09,840 Plus you wouldn't let go of my hand, so... 90 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,520 Oh, Ken! I just want to make it clear - 91 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:14,680 I am happily married to Marc. 92 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:18,640 So am I! Very happily! Not to Marc. To Laura. Lorna. 93 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:22,400 Well, OK. So then, just please - tell your wife! 94 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,520 Because whatever problems you and Laura are having, 95 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:29,360 I just don't want to be a part of them, OK? 96 00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:30,760 Lecture over. 97 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,040 SHE GIGGLES 98 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:34,400 But... 99 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:37,200 Ling is thousands of miles away, 100 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,520 so how come our love feels even stronger? 101 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:43,920 And if love transcends time and space, 102 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:47,120 perhaps therein lies the secret of the universe. 103 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,560 What do you think, Dyl? 104 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:51,440 Couldn't give a shit, mate. 105 00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:54,160 Hey. What's that game you're playing on your robot phone? 106 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,560 It's not a game, you bell-end. It's Love Swipe. 107 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:58,160 Ah, fuck! I just liked a munter. 108 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,560 Love Swipe is a way of finding romantic partners? 109 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:05,400 No, it's hunting willing snatch. Here, have a look. Right, OK. 110 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:09,800 So here we have...ah, older woman, 24. 111 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:13,120 Only 100 or so metres away from us... Rachel! 112 00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:15,200 That's Mom! I flicked right, I flicked right. 113 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:16,400 These treacherous eyes! 114 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,640 Dylan, are you trying to hook up with me on Love Swipe? 115 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,560 Your photo's like three years old. You look completely different! 116 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:23,840 Yeah, right. So my face has completely changed 117 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:25,440 in three years, has it? Mom! 118 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,680 You didn't say you were electronically dating. 119 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:29,800 Yeah, well, I thought I'd put myself on there. 120 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,960 You know, see what the fuss was about. Oh, phew! 121 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:36,040 It seems like there's been nobody on the scene since December! 122 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,360 Yeah. How many dates you been on, Rach? In total... 123 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:41,680 ..none. What? 124 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:43,760 Come on, Mom! Get a move on. 125 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,120 You're not going to find a man mooching about the house! 126 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:48,280 Unless there are some available guys round here - 127 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:50,040 and I don't know of any. 128 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:51,080 Thanks, Dale. 129 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:03,960 Phew! Longest day ever! Hello. 130 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,360 Mwah! How's our little Sid? 131 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,280 Yeah, he's good. I just put him down. 132 00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:11,920 Well, the Briony and Tim saga continues. 133 00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:13,440 Who's Briony and Tim? 134 00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:15,560 From work. Oh! 135 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:17,440 Don't you listen to a word I say? 136 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,960 Of course! Your voice is music to me, my love. 137 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,840 I just sometimes don't concentrate on the lyrics. Hah! 138 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:28,520 So - there's probably something I should tell you. It's no biggy. 139 00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:32,680 And certainly no-one's fault. So promise me you won't over-react. 140 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:35,840 I will react the exact right amount. What is it? 141 00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:38,320 Well, do you remember when Sid was born? 142 00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,360 I think I recall it, yeah. 143 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:42,160 Well, it's a funny story. 144 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:46,800 I...I ran into Jess while we were waiting for Sid. 145 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:50,200 And she grabbed hold of my hand 146 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:53,720 and she wouldn't let go until she'd given birth. 147 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:58,600 Which explains why I was late. Why I missed Sid's birth. It's silly! 148 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,960 But like I say, it's no biggy. 149 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,880 No biggy? 150 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,160 No, no biggy. 151 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:09,000 Is this a biggy? 152 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,080 Jesus Christ, Ken! No biggy! 153 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:14,280 Come on, Lorn. It's not like it didn't work out all right. 154 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:17,120 Sid's great. And you're the best wife a man ever... 155 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:20,520 Oh, shut your face! You have no idea what I was going through, 156 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:23,240 what it takes to push a thing like that out of your bits! 157 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:26,840 May I remind you I have seen it three times, actually, 158 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:28,440 with two different... 159 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,760 Oh, shit. Lorn! Hi, Lorna. Hi, Chief Ken. 160 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,000 It wasn't my fault. Oh, it never is your fault, is it, Ken? 161 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:37,920 "Whoops, I shot the cat! Whoops, I didn't have a vasectomy!" 162 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:39,480 Guys. What's happening? 163 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:41,840 Are Chief Ken and Lorna going to get a divorce? 164 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:45,520 Oh, no - this happens every couple of years. Believe me, it's worse when they make up. 165 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:49,280 Dad walking round like he's John Mayer just because he's done it twice in a week. 166 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:53,360 How's your robot-phone dating going? 167 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:55,240 Love Swipe is crammed with goons. 168 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,640 Well, I hope you'll give 'em a chance, little Miss Fussy! 169 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:02,720 Do you? All right, well - how about him? He's quite attractive. 170 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:05,960 Maybe I should go round to his and have wild sex. 171 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:10,280 Be all right with that, would you? Absolutely doodle dandy! Absolutely doodle dandy. 172 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,520 All right. There - a match. What! 173 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:15,520 Oh! And he wants to meet now. 174 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:18,160 I'll just go over there, shall I? 175 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:21,160 You know, unless anyone has any objections to that? 176 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:26,200 No, none here. OK. Yeah. See you in the morning, then. Or not! 177 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:27,720 OK! OK. 178 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,120 I could not be happier for her! 179 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:40,120 Maybe we should get a super king-size. 180 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,720 That way you can be even further away and even more ridiculous. 181 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:46,320 Just more comfortable like this. 182 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,200 Lorna, I can't help what happened. 183 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:51,080 I didn't mean to upset you, but what can I do about it? 184 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:54,680 Well, here's an idea - you can stop meeting up with Jess. 185 00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,360 Ha-ha! Not happening. 186 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,920 OK, if you don't care about my feelings... 187 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:01,640 What about MY feelings, Lorn? 188 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:05,600 Jess runs the mums' group, which happens to be my entire social life. 189 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,680 No, I'm sorry - you don't get to veto my friends. 190 00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:11,440 Friends? As if! She's after you! 191 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:13,760 What? Don't be ridiculous! 192 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,560 "Oh, Ken! What a fascinating intellect, Ken! 193 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:19,880 "Oh, Ken, hold my hand while I give birth, Ken!" 194 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:20,920 Get real, Lorn! 195 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:25,800 I am greying, I'm out of shape and Jess is a young, highly attractive... 196 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:27,280 Fuck! I didn't mean that! 197 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,200 No, I'm sorry. There is a point of principle here. 198 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,520 I am not backing down on this. Final word. 199 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:38,800 HE GROANS 200 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:42,600 OK, OK! you win! I won't see Jess again. 201 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:44,520 I surrender my dignity at your whim. 202 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:46,800 Nice to see the patriarchy in action again. 203 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:48,560 How I love to rule the world. 204 00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:51,480 Now will you please come back to the centre of the bed! 205 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,400 I don't know what you're going on about. 206 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,000 SHE SCREAMS 207 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,080 Right, I am getting a glass of water. 208 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:21,240 Hello? Hey, how's it kicking? You must be Rachel's... 209 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:22,840 ancient housemate? 210 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:23,960 I'm her father. 211 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,920 Father? OK, I'm Freddy. I'm a...new friend of hers. 212 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:30,120 We met last night, and then we had a...a sleepover. 213 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,520 You know. 214 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:35,920 Is this awkward? This feels awkward. Let us eat our breakfast in silence. 215 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:37,200 Yeah. 216 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,720 Hello. Ah, this is Freddy. 217 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,760 Freddy and Rachel went on a date last night. 218 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:45,480 Interesting. Did he hold hands with another woman while she gave birth? 219 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:49,320 Oh. Seamless segue! And thank you for airing our personal grievances 220 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:51,280 in front of our daughter's one-night stand. 221 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:53,000 I'm not a one-night-stand kind of guy. 222 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,040 Are you going to be boyfriend and girlfriend from now on, are you? 223 00:10:56,040 --> 00:11:00,920 I mean, I'm not in that place, so... Thank you! Shit! Rachel actually got laid! 224 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:04,200 Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! 225 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:08,880 You're still here? Well, it's breakfast, so...most important meal of the day. 226 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:10,880 Good morning, my beautiful family! 227 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:16,120 And complete stranger. Would you like some pancakes? 228 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,800 Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. 229 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,960 You must be a friend of Rachel's? 230 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:25,560 Ah, sort of. We met last night. 231 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:26,680 On a date. 232 00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:30,120 Oh, fun. Did you stay the night here? 233 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:33,920 Yeah. With Rachel? Yeah. In her bedroom? 234 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:38,000 Yes, Dale - we slept together, OK? Argh! 235 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,720 Dale! 236 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:43,000 I am so sorry! I'll get him cleaned up in no time. 237 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,960 What the hell was that? Weird, right? 238 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:48,680 It must be my training with Mr Xi - I get these crazy reflex reactions. 239 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:49,880 I think he'll be OK. 240 00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:53,200 Dale, you were the one who told me to start dating again! I know, you should! 241 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:58,200 Then why punch the first guy I spend the night with? I thought you - I mean - we had made it very clear. 242 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:01,200 There's nothing between us. Yeah, what are you saying? 243 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,640 You were jealous. Of me and him. 244 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,880 What! I love Ling. See previous conversations. 245 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:10,320 Well, obviously, there are some suppressed emotions going on here. Maybe deal with them, Dale. 246 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,600 Because I can't have this jealous ex going round the house saying 247 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,800 he's not jealous when he so clearly is. 248 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:18,800 I don't care either way...so...! 249 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:27,080 We're going to take our arms into the air, stretching to the side. 250 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,000 Rachel is so wrong! 251 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:32,800 I mean, me - jealous? No way! 252 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:36,360 Sure, once I thought her to be my one and only eternal love. 253 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:38,560 But that was so eight months ago! 254 00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:42,600 Right leg in the air. Really push into that stretch. 255 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:45,880 What do you think, Chief Ken? Oh, God. 256 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:51,440 Chief! Yeah, can we talk about this another time. Hey! 257 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,920 Oh, no! 258 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:58,560 Right, as soon as this class finishes, we are leaving. 259 00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:01,400 Keep walking, Dale. Just keep walking, please. 260 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,080 Ken! Ken! KEN! 261 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:06,760 SHE LAUGHS 262 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:10,520 Wow, that is some world-class baby yoga leaving there. 263 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:14,480 Ha-ha! Right. It was great to see you anyway, Jess. Bye, now! 264 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,480 Hey, what are you guys up to this afternoon? 265 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,160 Some of the mums are coming over. 266 00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:20,560 I've made a killer pistachio tart. 267 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:24,600 Oh, that sounds delicious! Yeah, we have absolutely nothing going on! 268 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,160 Oh, but I'm afraid we do have something going on, don't we? 269 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:30,640 We've got that thing, Dale. You know that thing we've got to do. 270 00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:35,720 Oh, I get you - THAT thing! 271 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:37,160 He will just...! 272 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,640 No, Chief Ken, that thing is NEXT Wednesday. 273 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:43,000 This afternoon is completely free. Great! So come round. 274 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,760 Oh, but I'm sorry, we can't. Get in. 275 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:46,800 Bye. 276 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:48,840 Oh, um, which way you headed? 277 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:50,400 Through town. See you! 278 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,440 You couldn't give me a lift, could you? 279 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:55,720 It's just, bit worried about Eliza, it's such a hot day 280 00:13:55,720 --> 00:14:00,680 and the sun being SO dangerous for tiny babies. 281 00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,640 It's very hot. 282 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:04,160 Of course. 283 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,480 Great. Oh, isn't he a nice man! 284 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,920 Right. We're dropping her straight off at her house. 285 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,600 And you do not mention this to Lorna. Do you understand? 286 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:23,040 Are you sure I can't tempt you in? The girls will be round soon. 287 00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:28,120 I've got eclairs in from Druckers. Oh! No, can't do it. 288 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,280 Suit yourself. Dale, would you be a sweetheart? 289 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:32,320 Of course. 290 00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:36,920 Bye. Bye. 291 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:40,080 Thank you. 292 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,680 Chief Ken, have you gone insane? 293 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:44,680 That's some of the finest Vienna patisserie in Birmingham! 294 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:46,680 Lorna says I'm not allowed to see Jess. 295 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,080 She's a little bit jealous. 296 00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:50,760 But mums' group is the most fun we have all week! 297 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,000 Oi! Where are you going? 298 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,600 Lorna didn't say I couldn't see Jess, did she? Well, no, but... OK. 299 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:02,280 I'm going to go have some cake and have the best time ever. Traitor! 300 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,080 What do you think, Sid? 301 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,200 It's not like I'm doing anything wrong, is it? 302 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:13,240 Jess is my friend and I love mums' group. 303 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:14,720 What do you think, my boy? 304 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:16,680 Should I obey your delusional mother, 305 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:22,120 or should I make my own decisions in life like a proper adult? 306 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,320 Who's the chief here? 307 00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:28,160 Hello? 308 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:35,040 Oh, great! You changed your mind! 309 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:38,320 Yeah! When are the girls getting here? 310 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,440 Oh, dunno - in about an hour or so. 311 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,440 Dale, would you be a love, 312 00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:45,480 and run and get some of that nice coffee from town. 313 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,640 I invite everyone over for coffee and what do I forget to buy? Coffee! 314 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:50,320 THEY LAUGH 315 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:53,880 Yeah. I'll be back soon! Right. 316 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,920 You make yourself comfortable and I'll be back in a sec. 317 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,480 There we are, Sidney. 318 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:15,040 HE EXHALES 319 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,200 There you go. Oh! 320 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:23,480 Wine? 321 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:28,680 Well, there's no coffee, is there! Right, then. Shower for me. 322 00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:30,000 Sorry? A shower? 323 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,800 Well, I can't receive the girls in my yoga sweats, can I? 324 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:36,200 OK, Jess - should I go and come back another time, cos...? 325 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,760 Oh, no, I'll be two ticks. 326 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:40,800 Don't worry, we've got a couple of hours before the gang get here. 327 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:41,960 A COUPLE of hours? 328 00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:58,640 What are you doing? 329 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:07,920 Ken! Oh, you're not leaving, are you? 330 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:11,080 Shouldn't you be wearing more clothes? 331 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:13,480 Why are you walking towards me? What's happening? 332 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:17,640 What's happening is you are going to ravish me, 333 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:20,520 you sexy giant old man, you! 334 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:23,400 What? There will be no ravishing! Not today or tomorrow. 335 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,880 You were supposed to be my coffee morning friend! 336 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,240 I am very disappointed in you, actually, Jess! 337 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:29,680 I know you're tempted. 338 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:33,560 You are scaring me! I am a happily married man. What about Marc? 339 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,960 Oh, come on - we both know there's no Marc. 340 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,440 What? 341 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:42,120 What? Don't undo that. Why are you undoing that? 342 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:43,600 You are mental! 343 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:46,040 I am mental... 344 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:47,840 Argh! ..and naked. 345 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:50,080 Ooh! I'm not looking. And I'm leaving! 346 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,240 And I'm not looking! Goodbye! 347 00:17:56,800 --> 00:18:00,800 Get in the car. Why? I got coffee. She's a fucking nutter. 348 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:12,200 Lorna WAS right. Jess WAS after you. 349 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:15,080 Yes. But Lorna had no right to try and control my life. 350 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:18,920 I've behaved entirely faultlessly, yet somehow, I'm also massively in the wrong. 351 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,680 Well, I guess I should be the one to tell Lorna. 352 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,840 No! Obviously we are not going to tell her. 353 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,200 KEN'S PHONE RINGS 354 00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:29,440 And you, my ex-friend, can bog off. 355 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:30,920 Right, inside. 356 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,720 And none of that accidental truth-telling that you do. 357 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:36,840 No, I've shaken that out my system. It's hard to do business... 358 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:37,920 ...Crime... 359 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,800 ...in China without the odd porky pie. 360 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:42,320 I'll stick to my old standby - we were in the market 361 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:46,480 shopping for Lotus dumplings for the Dragon boat festival. 362 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:49,440 Or maybe just go to straight to your room and never talk to Lorna again. 363 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,280 OK. OK. DALE LAUGHS 364 00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,400 Hiya, you two! 365 00:18:58,400 --> 00:18:59,880 Hello, beautiful. 366 00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:02,440 Have you had a good day? Yeah. 367 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,040 He's asleep. 368 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,000 Sorry we argued. 369 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,160 Me too. 370 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:14,240 Maybe I was a bit over-sensitive about Jess. 371 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,720 Still, I probably shouldn't see her again. 372 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,080 Oh, you're not bloody seeing her again. No. 373 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:21,920 Have you seen her again? No! Of course not. 374 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:23,360 I appreciate it, love. 375 00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:26,600 Fuck, it's started. 376 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:33,160 So, maybe we could put on a box set, 377 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:34,920 have a bit of Ken and Lorna time. 378 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:37,520 Yes, that's my favourite kind of time. 379 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,360 KEN'S PHONE RINGS 380 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,720 Has it ever occurred to you that I'm like a faithful, 381 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:56,800 non-alcoholic Don Draper? 382 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:58,200 Oh, you totally are! 383 00:19:58,200 --> 00:19:59,800 I am, right? Yeah. 384 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:01,360 MAD MEN THEME TUNE PLAYS 385 00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:03,320 Five to go to finish the season. 386 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:05,880 BABY CRIES 387 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,680 THEY BOTH SIGH I'll go. 388 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,000 Sit down. 389 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,360 IN DEEP VOICE: Draper's going to change that nappy. 390 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,160 Oh, God, I am like him. LORNA LAUGHS 391 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:20,840 Well, then, Sidney, 392 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:24,800 no in-depth analysis of the Arab-Israeli conflict for us tonight. 393 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:30,920 No, we shall change that nappy, quick bath and then bed. Deal? 394 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:33,560 KEN GASPS Oh! Erm... 395 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:36,120 Here, I'll do that. You take the weight off. 396 00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:37,320 Nah, you're all right. 397 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:40,080 Ken, honestly, It's my turn. You go and relax. 398 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,160 I don't want to relax. You go and relax. 399 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,400 Let me change him. Lorna... 400 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:47,720 You are stressed out and it's ruining our family life, OK? 401 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,000 Now, get in there and chill the fuck out, yeah? 402 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,920 Oh, OK, well, I'll go and make a cup of tea, then. 403 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,800 Right, good. Tea would be nice. 404 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,640 No, no, no, no, no, no! 405 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,360 Oh, fuck. 406 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:06,760 Just going to take him for a little drive, soothe him a bit. 407 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:09,080 But he's not crying. He's upset, though. I can tell. 408 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,960 It's a sort of primary carer thing. 409 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:14,760 KEN'S PHONE RINGS 410 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:20,640 'Ken, I have been calling and calling. Where is my baby? 411 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:21,880 'I want my baby back!' 412 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:25,240 I'm driving her over now. Don't move, I'll be ten minutes, tops. 413 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:33,800 Might as well keep you company. 414 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:36,760 But let's make it a short ride. How's our Siddles..? 415 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:39,960 He's very close to being upset. 416 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,080 Just going to get something from the house. 417 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,920 What am I going to do, Dale? Snap out of it, Ken! 418 00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:49,000 But she's in the car, she's in the car! 419 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:50,120 Now, you listen to me. 420 00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:52,720 I've done swaps like these my whole time with Mr Xi, all right? 421 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:55,800 Then with suitcases of money, now with babies - same principle. 422 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:58,560 What? I run to Jess' house, grab Sid. 423 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:01,680 You take her baby to the leisure centre car park - 424 00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:03,000 that's where we'll meet. 425 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:07,440 All you need to do is keep Lorna... BOTH: ..from looking at the baby. 426 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:08,880 You got this. I can do this. 427 00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:11,480 You got this, Chief Ken. I can swap these babies. 428 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:14,240 I know you can! THEY BOTH YELL 429 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:15,960 Dale! Just for luck. 430 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,240 Where's my baby? Give me my baby, now! 431 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:28,120 Jessica, we're going to get your baby. Just stay calm. 432 00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:30,440 Also, here's your coffee from earlier. 433 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:31,840 Fuck the coffee. 434 00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:32,880 Let's go. 435 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:45,360 This is nice. 436 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:48,960 OK, I'm bored now, let's go home. 437 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:52,760 Lorna, I'm loving this. Come on, let's chat. 438 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:56,800 Tell me about those guys at work, you know, old Tom and Britney. 439 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:58,840 Briony and Tim? Hell, yes, those guys. 440 00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:02,520 Well, Siobhan thought she wasn't invited to the Christmas party. No! 441 00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:05,680 I mean she's very nice, she's in her fifties, 442 00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:08,400 she lives on her own. You know, she's a bit lonely. 443 00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:10,600 Anyway she came in the other day to work, 444 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:15,160 she just... She burst into tears, Ken, on the shop floor and... 445 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:16,600 LORNA PRATTLES ON 446 00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:22,400 ..I took her down to the little room where we have our cup of tea 447 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:23,560 and stuff and erm... 448 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:32,160 ..anyway, she had to admit that she hadn't even opened the envelope! 449 00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:33,400 But I'm blathering. 450 00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:38,240 What? I live for this shit, Lorna, please... 451 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:42,600 OK, well, Briony came in the following day... 452 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:45,400 ..and directly said, "Don't worry, I'll go and get..." 453 00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:49,480 BABY CRIES Ah. What? Probably wants his bottle. 454 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:51,080 No! Where are you going? 455 00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:53,440 I'm going to get Sid, bring him in the front for a cuddle. 456 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,320 Lorna, this is our time, just you and me. 457 00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:56,680 Let her cry... Let him cry. 458 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:59,600 Ken, I can't listen to him cry. Lorna... 459 00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:00,880 You're so beautiful. 460 00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:13,440 LORNA GASPS Ken! 461 00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:15,320 I don't know what's got into you. 462 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:22,560 Oh, fuck! 463 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,440 Oh... 464 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,000 Ken? Stop! 465 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,680 Someone's got my baby! My baby! 466 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,280 Stop! What the hell have you done with my baby? 467 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:39,960 Fuck! 468 00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:41,720 No! 469 00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:43,120 Ken, what the hell is going on? 470 00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:46,800 No! Ken! No! Ken! 471 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:49,080 Ken! BRAKES SCREECH 472 00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:50,680 What the hell are you doing? 473 00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:52,200 So sorry, sir. I can explain. 474 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:54,800 You've got a baby in the back of your car. I definitely don't. 475 00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:57,760 No, you have. Dale put it in. Hi, I'm Dale. 476 00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:01,360 Oh, thank God, my little girl. Oh! 477 00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:08,320 Don't you dare bring your stodgy sponge to my mums' group ever again. 478 00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:09,800 KEN GASPS 479 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:14,400 How dare you! That sponge was light as a feather. 480 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:15,720 What the hell is happening? 481 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:18,240 Going around putting babies in people's cars. It's not on! 482 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,240 Just calm down, I can explain. Well, I bloody hope you will, Ken. 483 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,680 The thing is, I went round to Jess' this afternoon... Ken! 484 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:27,120 I know, I know you told me not to... No, I didn't. 485 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,720 I'm sorry, this is principally for Lorna. Who's Lorna? 486 00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:30,760 My wife. 487 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:35,080 Jess was there and I had Sid and Eliza and I... 488 00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:38,520 No, no, no, mate. Mate, listen, I am way behind here. 489 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:41,120 I'm sorry, Lorn, can we talk about this in the car? 490 00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:43,800 Yes, I think we'd better get back to your son, Ken. 491 00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:58,280 What I'm saying, Ken, is I was right. 492 00:25:58,280 --> 00:25:59,760 That mad bitch did fancy you. 493 00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:01,480 Yes, all right, you were right. 494 00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:04,600 In future, I will remember I am irresistible to all women. 495 00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:06,960 It's their incredibly well-kept secret. 496 00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:09,120 How fast did you run out of that house? 497 00:26:09,120 --> 00:26:11,440 Like a fat Usain Bolt. THEY LAUGH 498 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:13,040 Do you want some wine? Yes. 499 00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:16,320 Rachel. 500 00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:20,640 Watching Ken and Lorna today has taught me 501 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:22,600 how destructive jealousy can be. 502 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:24,600 I mean, it seems their marriage is OK now, 503 00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:26,800 but it was touch-and-go there earlier. 504 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:28,600 What are you trying to say, Dale? 505 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:30,240 About this morning. 506 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:33,200 I now accept that somewhere deep, deep down, 507 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:35,680 I may have some residual feelings towards you. 508 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:37,040 But, don't worry, 509 00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:39,920 I will not let those feelings get in the way of our friendship. 510 00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:43,320 I will crush them using the immense power of my mind. 511 00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:45,880 OK, well, good luck with that. 512 00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:49,640 So... 513 00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:50,680 we're OK? 514 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:53,400 Absolutely doodle dandy. 515 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:54,520 Good.