1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,120 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:07,360 MUSIC: Talk Dirty by Jason Derulo 3 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:21,880 'Hey, Dylan.' Why've you got your coat on? 4 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:23,240 Are you naked underneath? 5 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:24,640 'Look, we need to talk.' 6 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:27,000 Oh, yeah, we're going to talk all right. 7 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:30,240 'Dylan, this isn't going to be easy to say. 8 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:31,920 'You're dumped.' What?! 9 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:34,400 'I've met someone else.' Who?! 10 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:36,760 'A guy at uni. You'd like him, actually.' 11 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:38,480 Well, I fucking doubt it! 12 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:40,080 Why are you doing this? 13 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:42,320 'I don't know, maybe he's just better than you'. 14 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:46,120 What, you mean, sex-wise? 'Well, yeah. But also generally.' 15 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:48,760 This is the worst wank ever. 16 00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:50,440 'Ready, babe? 'Yeah, almost done.' 17 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:52,160 He's there?! In the room with you? 18 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:54,080 That is it! 19 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:55,640 Right, Zoe, I'm going to go out tonight 20 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,040 and I'm going to pull so many girls and I'm going to bang... 21 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:11,840 Work weekend. I hope it's not bloody paintballing again. 22 00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:14,160 Bryony from head office has got it in for me 23 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,120 and those pellets really smart. 24 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:19,320 Dylan, you have only been there for three weeks. 25 00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:21,120 No, I don't think it's been a good innings. 26 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:23,840 And don't use cricketing terminology to try and get round me. 27 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:28,800 Look, just don't do anything stupid. I'll call you back. What's happened? 28 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,280 It's Dylan. He wants to drop out of university. 29 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:32,320 BOTH: What?! 30 00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:33,640 He's only been there a month. 31 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:35,880 I know. And what a lovely month it's been. 32 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:37,080 Oh, well. 33 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:40,760 If he doesn't like it. He's never been at home in academia, Ken. 34 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:44,240 He's not in academia, Lorna. He's doing media studies. 35 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:47,120 And besides, university is about more than that. 36 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,480 It's about Dylan discovering himself as a person, 37 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:50,800 whilst not living in MY house. 38 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,480 It's not the end of the world, Dad. I never went to uni. 39 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:56,240 Yeah, look what happened here. Oh, what DID happen? 40 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:01,280 You became a lovely, rounded young lady, 41 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,720 with a worthy job in charity. 42 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:07,080 Hoo-hoo! Great run, Dale! Morning, guys. 43 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:09,120 Dylan's not like you. Someone's going to have to go 44 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:10,520 and talk the toerag into staying. 45 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:12,440 Well, you'll have to go down to the university. 46 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:16,240 I'm busy team building with some people I've known for over ten years. 47 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:17,640 Oh, very well - once again, 48 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:20,560 I will shoulder the burden of responsible parenting. Good. 49 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:23,240 I'm just going to go and say goodbye to my little Siddle-diddle. 50 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:26,800 Wait. You're going to visit Dylan at university? I want to come. 51 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,600 Well, you can't. It's going to be tricky situation, so... 52 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:32,560 Well, I'll help out. And I won't take no as an answer! No? 53 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:35,280 What if it's a really firm no? Won't take it! 54 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:39,840 I might try anyway, see how I get on. No. I'm still coming! 55 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:49,440 Hi. Hi. I've always wanted to see a university. 56 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:51,760 What do people usually wear? Are you sure you want to go? 57 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:54,640 I'm looking after Baby Sid on my own today. Quite a handful. 58 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:56,640 Which Frisbee should I bring, red or yellow? 59 00:02:56,640 --> 00:03:00,480 I mean, you could stay and help me out. And miss out on university? 60 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:01,560 No thanks! 61 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,560 Because otherwise it's just going to be me... 62 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,240 on my own... 63 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,600 in the house. 64 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,640 Could get pretty boring. 65 00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:12,920 Well, then, I'll definitely go with Chief Ken! 66 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:15,040 OK, fine, suit yourself. 67 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:19,400 Oh - students wear ties, hats and blazers, but only on Fridays. 68 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,400 Today's Friday. Yes, it is. Oh, thanks! 69 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:32,200 Did you go to university, Chief Ken? 70 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:35,280 Yes, I did. And back in the days when it meant something. 71 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,240 Not like these days, when kids leave with a 30 grand debt 72 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:42,040 and a degree in golf course management. They have golf courses?! 73 00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:45,920 That's amazing. Had some of the best days of my life at university. 74 00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:47,960 Getting drunk with pretty girls, 75 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:51,440 banging on about the miners' strike and how much I hated Thatcher. 76 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:54,360 Thatcher? Who's he? Never mind. 77 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,320 You're so smart. 78 00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:00,000 Which is weird, cos if Dylan drops out, 79 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,040 then none of your kids will have gone to university. 80 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:03,120 Oh, God! 81 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:05,200 Except for Sid, of course. Ah. 82 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:08,040 By the time he's old enough, who knows if you'll even be alive? 83 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:10,360 Yeah, all right. Can you take those clothes off now? 84 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:12,080 You look like Jimmy Krankie. 85 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:13,960 Is that bad? Yes. 86 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,560 Worse than Thatcher? Er... 87 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:20,760 No. 88 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,920 Oh! 89 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:30,160 Oh, come on, you bastard. Oh! Come on! 90 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:31,200 DOORBELL RINGS 91 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:38,520 Guten Morgen, meine Rachel! Ben! I was just heading out. 92 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,480 I was just dropping this round for your dad. 93 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:44,280 I have had a letter published in the Solicitors Journal. Well done. 94 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:45,600 Well, it's nothing really, 95 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:47,760 just a few lines about a minor factual error. 96 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:50,600 Page 17, if you're interested. I've marked it with a yellow tab 97 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,240 and, er, circled it in red. Oh, great, thanks. 98 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:55,520 You don't know anything about pushchairs, do you? 99 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:58,560 This one's jammed. Well, let me have a look. 100 00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:01,600 Ah, the Dual Cotterill. Good unit. 101 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,120 I used to browse round Mothercare 102 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:04,960 back when I thought you and I might... 103 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:09,000 Never mind. There is a safety catch here. 104 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,600 And then it just...clicks out. 105 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,520 Oh, brilliant! 106 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:18,080 Now I've just got to push him round Tesco's and get loads of stuff. 107 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:21,040 Mum's gone away, Dad and Dale are off to see Dylan 108 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:22,960 and I'm left on my own. 109 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,880 Er, incredible idea alert. 110 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:27,880 Why don't you stay here and I go do the shopping? 111 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:30,400 Oh, bit of a hassle. Not for Bestie Ben! 112 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:31,600 I'll get everything you need 113 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,560 and maybe pick us up something nice for dinner. 114 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:37,560 Oh, Ben, you're amazing. Yes, I am. 115 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:40,560 OK. Bye-bye, Sid! "Bye-bye, Ben!" See you later. 116 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:41,880 SHE EXHALES 117 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:46,680 Oh, that was nice of Uncle Ben, wasn't it? Come on, Sid. 118 00:05:55,680 --> 00:06:00,080 OK. When we find Dylan, let me do the talking, all right? Why? 119 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:01,240 I'm super persuasive. 120 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:04,160 Yes. We're not going to kidnap him or cut his thumbs off, are we, Dale? 121 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:05,680 As much as he probably deserves it. 122 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:07,600 OK. Maybe just slap him a little. 123 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,640 No! We're going to be firm but fair, all right? 124 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:12,920 Oh... 125 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:17,920 Please can you move your car? 126 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:22,160 Sorry, what? I said, can you move your car? Can I move my car? 127 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:26,800 Well, there's plenty of spaces. That space is for electric vehicles. 128 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,760 Sorry, it's for what? Electric vehicles! 129 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,520 Electric vehicles? 130 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,240 It's not very clearly marked. 131 00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:39,360 Maybe I'll leave my car where it is. 132 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:41,800 Well, maybe I'll call the clamping firm. 133 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:46,160 Is this a university or a prison? Thatcher! Well said, Dale. 134 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,920 Jimmy Krankie! Not as relevant, but still good. 135 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:52,920 Fine. I'll move. 136 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:05,920 KNOCK AT DOOR 137 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,400 Dylan, I know you're in there. HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS 138 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,920 I can hear your music! 139 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,200 MUSIC STOPS Ah. 140 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,600 Sneaky AND stupid. Terrible combination. 141 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:21,080 Do you have a credit card? 142 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:24,960 I learned this lock-picking technique when I was in jail. 143 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:28,240 All right. 144 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,200 That'll work. Yeah. 145 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,920 What the fuck?! I can never remember what THAT's for. 146 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,080 Right, young man, we need to talk. 147 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,160 Leave me alone. I know what you're going to say, 148 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:45,360 but you don't understand. 149 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:48,240 I hate it here. Should I slap him? No! 150 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,280 Dylan... 151 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:57,560 University is a really important time in a young person's life. 152 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,040 I just don't want you to miss out. God, you're such a dick! 153 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:01,720 Dale, slap him. Face or neck? 154 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,440 Fine, then, I'll get the train home, but leave me alone! 155 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,160 DYLAN SOBS 156 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:09,680 Are you...? Are you crying?! 157 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:13,720 Oh, is it because of the door? No, you twat, it's because of Zoe! 158 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,840 She dumped me and now she's seeing this other guy. 159 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:18,680 Oh. I know it sounds lame, but I really love the bitch. 160 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:20,360 Oh, God, I'm so depressed! 161 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:22,600 Listen, love. The thing is... 162 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,640 Hey... I got this. 163 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,200 Hey, Dilly. Look here. 164 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:33,200 Zoe is with another guy now. 165 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:36,680 And they did just get together, so you have two understand 166 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:39,960 that at this moment, they're pretty busy intercoursing often. 167 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,040 Oh, God! 168 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:45,160 Dale, maybe go and explore the campus for a bit. 169 00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:48,000 Maybe find that golf course? Maybe find that golf course. 170 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,280 I'm going to find it! 171 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:53,040 Look, Dad, it's not just Zoe, OK? It's everything - 172 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:55,600 this place, the people, the courses. 173 00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:57,640 I've tried, Dad, I've tried so hard, I promise. 174 00:08:57,640 --> 00:08:59,360 But, I mean... 175 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:02,320 it's like you said, media studies is shit. 176 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:08,520 All right. But you're getting a job and you're paying rent. 177 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:10,960 Deal. 178 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,680 University's such a rip-off. 179 00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:19,080 I mean, you pay nine grand and you get this. 180 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,000 (Nine grand. Shit!) 181 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:25,320 But, um, thanks for putting me first, Dad. 182 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:28,120 Hey. Come on, you're my son. 183 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:29,920 Nothing is more important than that. 184 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:34,040 Just out of interest, who does look after the money here? 185 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:38,600 I'm so sorry about that little misunderstanding earlier. 186 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,080 I was very tired after a long drive. 187 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:43,160 (Although it was rather... inconvenient.) 188 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:47,120 OK. I just wanted to clarify something. 189 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:50,520 My son, Dylan Thompson, he's going to be dropping out. 190 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:53,120 (I'm sorry to hear that. We'll miss him.) 191 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:56,240 I'm sorry, do you mind if I move a bit closer? I'm struggling to... 192 00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:00,400 So it's just the small matter of the tuition fees 193 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:01,800 and when they would be refunded. 194 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,760 (Oh. Let's have a look.) 195 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,320 Hm. 196 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:12,000 Never. What?! 197 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,880 They're non-refundable. 198 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:17,720 He's been here for one month and I paid £9,000, so 199 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:20,080 give me 8,500 and we'll call it quits. 200 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:22,760 Non-refundable. And non-negotiable. 201 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:24,520 But I've told him he can leave. 202 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,200 All right, eight grand. Final offer. 203 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:32,400 Thank you. You're printing me a receipt. 204 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:37,160 Clause 17 on the fees contract. Zero refunds. 205 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,160 Dylan is a bright boy 206 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:43,160 and this university has failed to stimulate his keen mind. 207 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:46,600 According to our files, he hasn't been to a single lecture. What?! 208 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:53,400 OK... 209 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:00,080 I'm a lawyer. 210 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:05,280 And I'm going to tell you something just once. 211 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:09,520 If I walk out of that door without the tuition fees, 212 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:13,520 there will be... serious consequences. 213 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,320 (Mm-hm?) 214 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:17,520 Mm-hm... 215 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:23,520 OK. 216 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,160 Very well. 217 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,960 You leave me no choice. 218 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,400 7,500 grand, final offer. 219 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,000 There you are! 220 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:53,120 Here's dinner, and until then I have an array of Iberian hams... 221 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:57,120 Ooh... ..and some dip-worthy snacks. Oh, Ben, this is amazing. 222 00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:59,600 Let me go and get you some money. No, no, it's on me. 223 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:01,600 I thought, "Hey, we're stuck indoors, 224 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:03,520 "might as well make the best of it." You know - 225 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:07,600 two besties, some wine and a boxset. Be like old times, eh? 226 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:10,760 Did you get changed? Yeah, I bought a couple of things while I was out. 227 00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,080 Shirt and some shoes. And aftershave? 228 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:16,400 Yeah. Do you like it? It's quite strong, isn't it? I know! 229 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:21,680 Oh, I loved that. 230 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,320 Look at Sid. He's still bouncing. Mm. 231 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,440 Have you been going to the gym? 232 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:32,080 You know - single man, got standards to keep up. 233 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:34,600 Actually, what HAS been happening with your romantic life? 234 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,280 Because you've kept your cards very close to your chest. 235 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:38,760 Oh, er, OK. 236 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:43,200 Well, there's been a variety of girls... Mm. ..all really smoking. 237 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:47,240 I'm just not sure I'm...ready to get into a relationship, you know? 238 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:49,320 However much they plead. 239 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:52,000 Whoever you'll choose, they'll be a very lucky girl. 240 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,640 Think we should have that food, then. Hell, yeah! 241 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:57,000 I'll pop it in the microwave. OK. 242 00:12:57,000 --> 00:13:00,320 Oh - Mum gave me 40 quid for the shopping. 243 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,720 Please take it. No way, best-ay! 244 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,800 OK, well, I'm putting the money in your wallet, is it in your coat? 245 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:09,200 Do not go near my coat! Oh, what's that? 246 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:10,520 Don't open it. 247 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,640 Oh, the engagement ring. 248 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,400 It's, erm... 249 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:21,360 I keep it on me when I see you, just in case. 250 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:25,240 So I mean, when you said we were past all that old stuff, you... 251 00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:30,480 Oh, listen. Sid's fine. Erm... 252 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:34,160 And thanks for getting all the dinner and everything. It's lovely. 253 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:38,480 Yeah. OK. 254 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,120 Oh, the ready meal. 255 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:44,080 Don't forget to pierce the film before you put it in the microwave. 256 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:47,440 OK. Can I have my ring back, please? Oh, yeah. 257 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,320 Erm... 258 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:52,160 Oh, shit. What? 259 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,920 Well, I can't see the ring. Well, what do you mean? 260 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,280 Oh, God, it must have fallen onto him. 261 00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:00,520 Oh...! OK. I think Sid might have swallowed it. Oh, God! 262 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:03,120 Oh... Ben, what do we do? 263 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,000 I don't know. I mean, I could try and claim on the contents insurance 264 00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,520 but there'd be a hell of an excess to pay. What?! 265 00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:12,480 Oh, God, and now I have a nosebleed. Argh! Come on, Siddie... 266 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,160 Oh, God. 267 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:20,800 OK. Slight change of plan. 268 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,760 Instead of leaving university, you are in fact now staying. 269 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,160 What?! Why? 270 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,680 Look, Dylan. I... 271 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,240 I just hate for you to throw away a perfectly good career 272 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,600 in media studies. You didn't get your money back, did you? 273 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:34,760 Look, I don't want to get all draconian about it, right, 274 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:36,720 but I pay nine grand for you to be here, 275 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:39,200 so I essentially own you for at least one year. 276 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:43,040 Well, that's slavery. Yes. Well, maybe slavery isn't that bad. 277 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,680 Think of all the music it gave us. 278 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:48,880 Come on, Dylan. Give this place another chance. 279 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,640 Only came to uni to have a laugh. It's just so lame here. 280 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,200 It's full of sad twats and international students. 281 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:57,960 All they have is a library, a shit bar and...and a pond full of geese. 282 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,760 They're ducks, mate. Oh, God, you're always criticising me. 283 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:05,680 Look, Dylan! University's amazing. 284 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:10,200 Think of all the parties, and the protest marches... 285 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:13,040 Yeah, OK, forget the protest marches. 286 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:16,160 There'll be someone here for you to have a laugh with. Hey, guys! 287 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:19,160 Want to come and play Frisbee with us? Heads up, Nathan! 288 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:20,640 Oh! You OK? 289 00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:22,760 Look, Dad, I'm telling you, this is the lamest place ever. 290 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:24,600 Don't be a quitter. 291 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,760 Hey. Let's go and have a pint in the student union bar. 292 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,920 That's where all the laughs start. 293 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:39,080 See? This place isn't too bad. 294 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:40,680 I'm sure it'll pick up later. 295 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,600 No, it won't. This is as good as it gets. 296 00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:46,640 Where's the band posters? 297 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:48,560 Where's the guy selling the Socialist Worker? 298 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:50,720 Where's the 10p-a-pint signs? 299 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:53,120 Last week they actually had a talk about alcohol awareness. 300 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:54,760 Unbelievable! 301 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,480 Is that kid doing an essay? 302 00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:01,920 There's not even any graffiti in the bogs. What? 303 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:05,080 There's got to be an anarchy sign or a badly drawn cock and balls? No. 304 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,680 Well, this place is a disgrace. 305 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:08,360 Woo-hoo! 306 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:12,080 I love university! I've made so many friends. 307 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:15,600 See? Guys, this is Charlie. 308 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,240 Nathan and I were playing Frisbee and Charlie joined in... 309 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:20,200 uh, what's that word again? Ironically. 310 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:23,200 ..Ironically. So we played ironic Frisbee together. 311 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:26,160 Right! Good. Would you sit down, Charlie, join us? 312 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:27,560 No-one really drinks in here. 313 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:30,960 No-one that I know anyway. I'm going to a party at Ottley House. 314 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,560 Oh, where's that? You haven't heard of Ottley House? 315 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,120 Oh, no. No, yeah. I've heard of it, obviously. 316 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,840 I was, um... I was being ironic. 317 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:39,840 HE LAUGHS She loves that! 318 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:40,920 THEY LAUGH 319 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:43,640 Well, the party's going to be pretty messed up, you should come. 320 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:44,880 Bring your grandad too. 321 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:50,080 Did you eat something naughty? 322 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:54,080 Did your bad, bad sister feed you something naughty? 323 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:57,200 I didn't strictly feed it to him. Of course not! 324 00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:01,200 But in future you should know feeding babies metal jewellery 325 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,000 is considered bad parenting. 326 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,360 Yeah. I knew. "Knew". 327 00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:08,360 Well, not to worry. He'll poo it out in a few hours. 328 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,840 You'll soon have your engagement ring back. Great! 329 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:14,600 But it's not actually my engagement ring. Well, it sort of is. 330 00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:18,320 We were engaged and...it was the ring. We weren't, I said no. 331 00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:21,640 Well, you said yes first. Ten seconds, it still counts. 332 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,520 OK! 333 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,880 Well - as this isn't a medical issue, I have no comment. 334 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:30,400 Unless... How old are you? 24. 335 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,760 Because statistically, if you haven't met your husband by 25 336 00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:36,360 you won't marry till 29, and childbirth after 30 337 00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:38,640 puts a massive strain on the NHS. 338 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,200 So if I DID have to advise you medically... 339 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:42,720 Have a think about it. 340 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,960 "Should your sister have said yes? Should she? 341 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:52,000 "He looks nice enough. Handsome. 342 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,560 "Should she be more realistic?" 343 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,520 OK... "I think she should." 344 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:03,520 MUSIC: Dirty Basement by Elektrons 345 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:12,960 Hey. Hey! Have you guys got any booze? We're running low. 346 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,280 In luck! Old guy does. 347 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:17,920 Now, this is more like it. 348 00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:20,000 Hey, guys. We've got booze! 349 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,960 CHEERING 350 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,400 I got Frisbee! 351 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:33,760 That's what a credit card's for. I'm learning so much at university! 352 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:35,760 We're going to leave you to it. 353 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,200 Yeah, nice one. 354 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:40,680 Hey, Dad. 355 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:42,800 I thought you were going to be a right dick about today, 356 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:45,160 but you were only half as much of a dick as I thought you'd be. 357 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:49,600 Thank you, Dylan. Stay for a beer if you like. 358 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:54,600 No. You don't want me hanging around cramping your style. 359 00:18:56,040 --> 00:19:00,160 MUSIC: People Get Up And Drive Your Funky Soul by James Brown 360 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:13,920 Again! 361 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,280 MUSIC CONTINUES 362 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:29,240 OK, Siddie, let's have a little look at you. 363 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:33,520 No. Still no joy. 364 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,760 All right, then. All right. 365 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:38,400 Oh... Let's warm you up some milk. 366 00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:51,840 You OK? 367 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:53,800 Yeah. 368 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:57,960 Ben, I worry, being friends with me 369 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:02,520 maybe...it's not the best thing for you at the moment. 370 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:05,640 No, no, it IS the best thing. Will you be honest for a sec? 371 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,800 It's just so ridiculous. 372 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:12,440 Dale's in love with this...Ling woman, you're in love with Dale 373 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:14,120 and I'm in... 374 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:18,000 SHE SIGHS Oh, God. 375 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:19,040 You're right. 376 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:25,840 Maybe we should all...have a fresh start and move on. 377 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:29,880 The trouble with moving on is...you don't know what's round the corner. 378 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:34,880 There could be a hairpin bend. Or a new boyfriend who REALLY hurts you. 379 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:39,480 Sometimes, when you're moving on, you've got to go into reverse 380 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,000 and back up a little. 381 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,640 And as you're backing up, 382 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:46,520 you might be worried you're going over old ground, but 383 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:49,680 actually it's the best thing you could possibly do. 384 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:51,800 Because the old ground 385 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,920 is safe...and reliable... 386 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,720 ..thinks you're beautiful. 387 00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,520 Ben... 388 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:02,320 The old ground will never...hurt you or leave you. 389 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:06,000 It'll just be glad that you're, you know... 390 00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,480 driving over it again. 391 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:13,920 SHE SNIFFS 392 00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,720 Ooh, gosh, can you smell that? Yeah, I think I can. 393 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:18,480 Ooh! 394 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:23,200 I think we have success, baby Sid. Yeah! Oh...! A bit too much. 395 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,240 Eurgh. Eurgh. 396 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,760 Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! ALL: Out, out, out! 397 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,640 Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! ALL: Out, out, out! 398 00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:30,840 Maggie! ALL: Out! 399 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:31,920 Maggie! ALL: Out! 400 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:34,560 Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! ALL: Out, out, out! 401 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:38,640 Your dad is wicked. Mm-hm. 402 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,800 Folks, seriously... I've got another one for you guys, 403 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,120 see if you can join along. 404 00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:45,200 This is a little number... 405 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,280 by a Mr Billy Bragg. 406 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,040 Come in with me when you're ready. 407 00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:54,360 # I was a miner 408 00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:57,720 # I was a docker 409 00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:02,600 # I was a railwayman Between the wars... # 410 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:03,680 Let's go. 411 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:05,840 # I was a miner... # 412 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:07,320 He was a miner! 413 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:10,200 # I was a docker... # Docker! 414 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:13,800 # ..a railwayman Between the wars... # 415 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:15,440 Mother-frickin' wars! Let's go... 416 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,880 Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! ALL: Out, out, out! 417 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:24,480 Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! ALL: Out, out, out! 418 00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:25,840 Maggie! ALL: Out! 419 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:27,600 Maggie! You can't be in here... ALL: Out! 420 00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:30,040 Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! ALL: Out, out, out! 421 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:32,200 Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! ALL: Out, out, out! 422 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:38,760 You...can't be in here. This room is a fire risk, 423 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:42,040 you must all leave immediately. Oh, come on, 424 00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:45,880 they're just trying to have a bit of fun. The party's over. 425 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:48,200 Everyone, please leave. 426 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,960 You square. 427 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,120 Thatcher! Yes, Dale. 428 00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:55,240 Aren't you...a bit old for this kind of thing? 429 00:22:55,240 --> 00:23:00,040 I am not going to take a lecture... from the likes of you. 430 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:02,000 LAUGHTER (Bollocks.) 431 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,280 Well, I can see where he gets THAT from. 432 00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:09,000 Guys...? Guys, wait! 433 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:11,320 I can see you all want to go, 434 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:14,000 and you think the party's over... 435 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:17,200 but before you do I want to say a couple things. 436 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:18,400 OK? 437 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:25,640 All it takes for evil to flourish is for a few good men to say nothing. 438 00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:29,920 We have to show that supercilious bell-end 439 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:32,800 that we will NOT be pushed around by the Man. 440 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,080 All right? 441 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,640 We must fight... the might...of the system! 442 00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:39,520 WHO'S WITH HIM?! 443 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:41,160 WHO'S WITH ME?! 444 00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:44,560 OK. 445 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,160 I'll be honest... 446 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:48,000 I'm a little disappointed by the turnout. 447 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:50,840 OK, Dad, what's the plan? 448 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:53,680 The plan...is we're going to teach that smug little twat 449 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,160 a lesson he won't forget. 450 00:23:56,680 --> 00:24:01,080 The old classic. We're going to turn his car on its roof. No, Dad, stop. 451 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:06,320 Dylan...! What if we pick it up, and...move it over there? 452 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:07,720 Onto the island. 453 00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:12,600 You are a chip off the old block! OK, boys, 454 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:15,520 let's put this prick's car on the island! 455 00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:18,360 Wait, Chief Ken... This is all allowed at university? 456 00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:20,520 It's totally fine. 457 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:21,880 Dad, come on! 458 00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:24,720 OK, boys. Three, two, one. 459 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:26,600 Heave! 460 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:31,280 Oh, he's going to shit when he sees this! Hi, Mr Duck! 461 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:36,320 We can do this, guys, come on... 462 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:38,840 Onto the island she goes! 463 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:42,720 Yes! 464 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:48,320 OK, boys. One last heave. One, two, three... 465 00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:52,320 Yes, Dad! I am DEFINTELY staying at university! 466 00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:53,400 So proud of you, son. 467 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:57,120 THEY LAUGH AND CHEER 468 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,480 Oh, no! Oh...! 469 00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:15,000 Final offer - five grand. 470 00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:21,360 I can't believe they kicked me out. Why did you make me do that? 471 00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:23,040 You're an adult now, Dylan, 472 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:25,640 and as an adult, we take responsibility for our own actions. 473 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:27,720 That said - don't tell your mother. 474 00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:29,480 I can still smell burning duck. 475 00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:32,040 Yeah. It'll take me a while till I have a Chinese. 476 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,880 Still, university was great, wasn't it? 477 00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:36,800 Can we go back EVERY weekend? 478 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:39,800 You are such a fucktard. Dylan. That's enough. 479 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:42,640 No, it's OK, Chief Ken. He was just being ironic. 480 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:46,520 Like me saying, "It's NOT going to be great to have you home again, bro!" 481 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:49,720 Oh, yeah - I'm not getting a job, by the way. I'm going travelling. 482 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:51,720 Oh, yeah? And who's going to be paying for that? 483 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:53,880 Well - you are, or I'll tell Mum. 484 00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:55,440 Dale? On it. 485 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:56,960 Ow! 486 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,240 Welcome home, son. 487 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:05,880 OK, here we go, Chief Ken! 488 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:08,120 # I was a miner... # Woo! 489 00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:10,360 # I was a docker... # Docker! 490 00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:14,280 # I was a railway man Between the wars... # 491 00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:15,440 Your go, Mr Bragg! 492 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:19,800 # I raised a family In time of austerity 493 00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:23,600 # With sweat at the foundry Between the wars 494 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,720 DALE RAPS: # Between the wars These mother-freakin' wars 495 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:29,320 # What are we killing for? Just got to love some more, Chief Ken. # 496 00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:32,840 Was that somebody bloody rapping?! Oh, I'm so sorry, Billy.