1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:06,120 So I was thinking, this time around, YOU might handle the baby duties. 2 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:07,160 I don't think so. 3 00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:11,240 I'll do it. I'll take the paternity leave. Stuff work. 4 00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:13,280 Mr Xi is my new mentor. 5 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:15,400 Dale, when you were a businessman... 6 00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:19,400 ..what area were you in, exactly? 7 00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:21,800 Client-facing, results orientated. 8 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:25,240 Turns out you're right about that Triads thing. I was fairly sure. 9 00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:27,040 Could you tell me why my father's 10 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:29,160 1976 Triumph Stack is in the driveway? 11 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:31,800 I sent an invite to your mum. Cooee! 12 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:36,320 I have fallen for a truly special girl. What's her name? 13 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,480 Ling, she is Mr Xi's daughter, actually. 14 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:42,040 He's obviously got feelings for you deep down. Annoyingly deep down. 15 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:43,720 Ugh! 16 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:46,680 Dale! You were jealous of me and him. 17 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,920 I love Ling. See previous conversation. 18 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:51,720 There's something I need to tell Kenneth. Oh? 19 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:54,200 Not one phone call, not a letter, not a single e-mail 20 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,920 since I left China. 21 00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:58,080 Nothing. Come on, Belinda. 22 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:00,920 Alan was not your real father. What? 23 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:13,720 Aw, Sid, I miss that little guy. I don't. Not yet, I don't. 24 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:15,880 I hope your mum's all right with him. 25 00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:20,760 North? Why are we driving north? Where are we flying from? 26 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,600 We're not flying anywhere, Dylee. We're going to Cumbria instead. 27 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:24,840 They decided two weeks ago. 28 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:28,920 That was serious? I thought it was one of dad's shit jokes. 29 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:31,840 Why the fuck would we go on holiday to Cumbria? Well... 30 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,440 Why would anyone in their right mind even pass through there? 31 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:37,440 It's like... Well, I know nothing about it, that's how it is. 32 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:40,000 We're going to be spending a week with your family, 33 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,400 isn't that what matters, Dylan? 34 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,480 Yeah, well, I'm packed for Barbados, all right? 35 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:46,240 So, unless I'm going outdoor horse riding in Speedos, you can 36 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,960 count me out of outdoor activities. I've got my Xbox. 37 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,280 You bunch of twats. 38 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,400 # Good morning, world It's a brand-new day. # 39 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,000 Bagsie the master bedroom. Absolutely not. 40 00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,920 Going against a bagsie? That's bad karma. 41 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:01,480 That's your holiday fucked, Dad. 42 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:04,000 Ah! Insubordination. 43 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:07,520 Right, well, this is going to be a nice family holiday, isn't it? 44 00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:09,120 I suggest we all dump our bags 45 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,320 and then we'll go for a lovely short walk... 46 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:14,280 Oh, Ken... Oh, Dad... ..down the road to the local pub. 47 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:18,240 Ah, now we're talking. Not such a boring dad now, is he? 48 00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:21,960 Oh, and, Dylan, you're not using our bathroom either. Said Hitler. 49 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,840 This is nice, isn't it? All the family together. 50 00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:32,840 OK, so two groups. Group one, Mum and Dad, I do not know you. 51 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:35,000 Thanks, Dylan. Charming. Group two, you guys. 52 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,040 Dale, you're my wing man, stay with me. 53 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:39,520 Rachel, you're the female friend that shows I'm sensitive, 54 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,120 cos I hang out with you even though you're ridiculously lame. 55 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,640 OK, yeah, turning down that offer. 56 00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:46,320 God, you could have been part of something great. 57 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:49,040 Come on, you weirdo. 58 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:50,200 I'm going to the loo. 59 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:56,360 So what do you think he's like, your biological father? 60 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,400 I don't know. From what Mum said, not too promising. 61 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,800 Some Northern Casanova who latched onto her in a bar. 62 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:04,320 Anyway, this is the place. 63 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:07,320 I don't see why we have to be so underhand about it, 64 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,240 pretending to the kids we're on holiday. 65 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,000 Don't you think we should have called your father first - 66 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,400 let him know we were coming? 67 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:16,560 I've explained this, he must not know I'm his son. 68 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:18,880 We meet him anonymously and, if we don't like him, 69 00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:21,040 we can just walk away. Plan? Plan. Plan. 70 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,760 So what next? 71 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:29,080 Well, I guess we just wait for a tall, handsome older man with 72 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,760 a keen intelligence shining through blue eyes. 73 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:34,680 And, in the meantime, we get rat-arsed. 74 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:36,840 My kind of holiday. Right. 75 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:39,760 WHISTLING 76 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:48,200 CLATTER 77 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:51,520 Hello? 78 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:56,520 Argh! Ugh. 79 00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:00,720 Steve! What are you doing here? 80 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,720 Neighbourhood Watch, what are you doing here? 81 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:06,600 Ken asked me to water the plants. Neighbourhood Watch? 82 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:08,240 Mm. Holiday's a folly. 83 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:10,480 Thieves target homes when their owners are away, 84 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:15,240 but if they try this one, they have me to contend with. Get off. 85 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:16,760 Come on, big boy, take a shot at me. 86 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:21,160 Come on, come on. Wait, are those Ken's pyjamas? 87 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:22,640 Yeah, of course. 88 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:26,040 I don't own a pair, I sleep nude. Right. 89 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,200 I think I'm going to have to call Ken and tell him 90 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:29,520 you've broken into his house. 91 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,600 Shh. 92 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:36,600 Or you could jump into a spare pair of jimjams and watch Ken 93 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,840 and Lorna's wedding video with me. 94 00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:41,000 Trust me, it is a cracker. 95 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,080 Fuck it, it's a Saturday. 96 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,800 So, yeah, I'm from the mean streets of Lichfield. 97 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,560 It is kind of like Compton, LA, really. 98 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:52,120 It's got this banging cathedral. 99 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:56,240 And so, yeah, uni was just like, pfft, nah, 100 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:59,680 bigger things. You know, bigger dreams. Ghetto dreams. 101 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:02,400 So, what do you do? 102 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:07,200 Oh, I used to be a businessperson, now I'm a nanny. Wow. 103 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:09,720 So you have a sensitive side? 104 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:13,040 Who wants another drink? Dale, come with me. 105 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:15,520 You need to scram, you're killing my vibes, bitch. 106 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:19,760 It's just like, Dyl, the thing is, if Ling's forgotten about me, 107 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:23,120 I kind of gotta start putting myself out there. 108 00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:27,200 Well, here's an idea, why don't you go and get off with Rachel? 109 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,800 Have you been smoking too much of your pot weeds? Do you not remember? 110 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:34,720 Rachel said no to me at Christmas. She changed her mind. 111 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:35,960 What? 112 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,920 Come on. Have you seriously not seen it? 113 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,800 Why has no-one told me this? 114 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,000 Oh, my goodness. 115 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:50,680 I may need to run back to the house and...clear my head. 116 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:55,040 Yeah, great idea. OK. Dale... Yeah? 117 00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:58,840 All right? 118 00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:02,520 I'll see you back at the ranch. Er, does Dale know his way back home? 119 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:05,440 He'll run around until he finds it. Shout me a drink, would you? 120 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,360 For I'm hunting the Northern fox. 121 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:14,400 Lorna looks so beautiful. 122 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:17,080 I'm misty eyed, Steve. 123 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:19,760 You know, I once thought that me and Rachel would... 124 00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:20,800 STEVE BELCHES 125 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:24,840 You're still hung up about that? 126 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:27,840 They're off in Cumbria together. 127 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:30,680 Moonlit walks, romantic pies. 128 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:34,000 Rachel's lost in this dramatic fantasy of her and Dale. 129 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:38,680 What she doesn't realise is that real romance requires a cool head, 130 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:43,000 weighing up the pros and cons. There is a place for spreadsheets. 131 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:45,280 I fell for Connie the moment I saw her. 132 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,480 The first three months, idyllic. 133 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:51,320 And I woke up one morning, I saw her face sleeping on the pillow 134 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,200 and I realised... 135 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:55,160 I hated her. 136 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:58,400 I walked out and then I realised I loved her again. 137 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:01,560 I got some crumpets, came back before she woke up. 138 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,200 We had a pleasant breakfast. 139 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:08,880 The point is, that is a cycle of life, Ben. 140 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:13,200 True love passes through your passage like a thunderbolt. 141 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:19,160 Love is just compatibility, Steve. I don't believe in thunderbolts. 142 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:20,760 DOORBELL RINGS 143 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:29,360 Erm, hi. 144 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:30,720 HE SPEAKS CANTONESE 145 00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:35,440 My father wishes to speak to Dale. Does he live here? It's urgent. 146 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:44,080 Am I right in thinking that Jack Sprackly drinks in here? 147 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:46,960 Apparently, he won your pool competition about four years ago. 148 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,480 We looked him up on Google. Big Jack, 149 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:51,600 why do you want to see Big Jack? 150 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:55,160 Ken's Big Jack's son. Lorna... Son? 151 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,720 Sorry, mate, you'll not see Big Jack tonight. 152 00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:59,920 Yeah, why's that? He died. 153 00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:03,440 Potted the black and keeled over the same moment last year. 154 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:06,720 Ken, is it? Tell you what, pop in tomorrow early doors, 155 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,640 I'll be happy to chat about the old bastard. 156 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,080 KEN SIGHS 157 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:17,920 Well, there we are, Lorna, dead. That's that. 158 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:22,760 Honestly, my bloody mother. Do you want to go back? 159 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,400 No, let's get pissed. 160 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:40,800 So, 161 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,000 you're a Triad? 162 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:48,640 My darling daughter, who is my moon and joy, has persuaded me 163 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:53,400 her love for Dale has not changed and I must allow their marriage. 164 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,680 Really? 165 00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:59,680 So you're going to get Dale, marry him and then take him back to China? 166 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:03,320 Ha! Fantastic news! 167 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:06,000 SHE TRANSLATES: So, where is Dale? 168 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:10,920 Unfortunately, he's not here right now. 169 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:15,000 They've gone on holiday to Cumbria. He'll be back in five days. 170 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,560 Five days? 171 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,680 Five days? GUNSHOT 172 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:22,800 HE SHOUTS IN CANTONESE 173 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:27,720 SHE SPEAKS CANTONESE 174 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:34,400 If you need to get to Cumbria, it's not far. You can drive there. 175 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:35,920 You. 176 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:39,800 You drive. Me? 177 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,600 It would be an honour, sir. 178 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:50,120 MUSIC: Stuck In The Middle With You by Stealers Wheel 179 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,520 Have you... 180 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:54,080 killed anybody? 181 00:09:56,920 --> 00:10:00,000 What's the ideal number of henchmen? 182 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:05,720 Do you possess a secret bunker and, if so, where? 183 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:08,920 HE SPEAKS CANTONESE 184 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:13,200 My father says this is his holiday, 185 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,480 he doesn't wish to talk about business. 186 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:22,400 Penultimate question, do you like martial arts movies? 187 00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:26,840 Master Of Flying Guillotine. 188 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:30,400 Now you're talking to me, baby. 189 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,960 Now YOU talking to ME, baby. 190 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,240 Boom! 191 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,520 We're almost there. We've made good time. 192 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,480 Ladies and gentlemen, Brampton, Norfolk. 193 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:45,600 Brampton, Cumbria, Steve. 194 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,440 Oh, for fuck's sake. 195 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:51,800 LORNA SINGS 196 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:54,440 It's the chorus, sing the chorus, sing with a high voice. 197 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,480 HIGH-PITCHED: # Don't you want me, baby? # 198 00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,240 What's that? 199 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,520 Hey! Night. 200 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,520 Dylan's still trying to turn it round with that girl. 201 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,200 Got to give him credit. 202 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,400 Hey, what's wrong with you? You're usually chatty 203 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:11,920 with a pint inside you. 204 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,920 Oh, erm, OK... 205 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:18,360 Rachel, would you want to go on a walk with me 206 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:19,800 to Hadrian's Wall? 207 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:22,840 It's a really famous wall, it's a nice...nice wall. 208 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:26,160 Erm, yeah, that'd be cool. 209 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:29,040 That would be right up Dad's street too. Probably give us a lift. 210 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:32,040 Maybe just the two of us, just go on a walk. 211 00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:36,960 Just the two of us. Yeah. Tomorrow. OK, sure. Copy. 212 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:46,280 So, Ling, what brings you to England? 213 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:48,840 When my dad found out about Dale, 214 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:51,480 he sent me to the countryside. 215 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:55,520 There was no internet, no way of talking to Dale. 216 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:59,520 I have a dream that Dale and I can move back to England together. 217 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:02,520 I could get a steady job in a mid-level law firm. 218 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:06,840 That's what I do. Really? You're so lucky. 219 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:11,640 Yes, I really am. I dream of a quiet English life. 220 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:16,040 Drinking lager in your English pubs, maybe the occasional trip to 221 00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:19,160 London to see the latest Ed Sheeran concert. 222 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:21,440 Ed Sheeran, shamefully underrated. 223 00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:25,400 We'd have a little house in the provinces, purpose built. 224 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:26,960 Period's prettier, but... 225 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:29,160 BOTH: Pretty doesn't pay the heating bills. 226 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:35,320 Ben... 227 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:40,240 ..has anyone ever told you you look like David Beckham? 228 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:43,520 No, no-one has ever said that to me. 229 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,560 Awesome. 230 00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:50,120 How about a bit of radio? 231 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:55,560 # People fall in love in mysterious ways 232 00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:58,800 # Maybe just the touch of a hand... # 233 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,800 I actually feel kind of relieved... 234 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,640 when Ling never replied to any of my e-mails. 235 00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:10,680 Dale, there's something I should probably tell you. 236 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:14,480 No, there's actually something I want to tell you too. 237 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,120 Yeah, OK. OK. 238 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,760 Look, I pride myself on my perceptiveness... 239 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:27,200 ..but all these months, it seems I haven't been able to see 240 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,960 what's staring me right in the face. 241 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,360 Right. 242 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,080 It's you. 243 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,280 Even when you thought it was weird us making out, you know, 244 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,840 because I'm your dead husband's son. Shh. 245 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:43,280 No. 246 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:00,280 PHONE VIBRATES 247 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:05,400 Oh, what's that? 248 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,400 It's nothing, it's absolutely nothing, 249 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:10,600 it's Ben checking on the plants. He loves those plants. Yeah. 250 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,720 That's incredible, isn't it? Look at that. 251 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:20,400 Big Jack's son, eh? 252 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:23,600 I do see the family resemblance. They're dead ringers. 253 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:27,600 Yeah, well, well, well. There you go. Thanks very much. 254 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,080 No problem. 255 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:32,160 You're still paying for that, by the way. Oh, yeah. 256 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:36,040 And Jack owed me 40 quid when he died, so... Oh, I don't think... 257 00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:37,360 Only joking you. 258 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:42,880 So, what is it you want to know? Well, I mean, everything. 259 00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:44,720 What did he do for a living? 260 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:48,400 Oh, in his youth, he raced cars for a living. 261 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:53,520 And he were a drinker. A brilliant but tortured man. 262 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:56,040 The lover of many beautiful women. 263 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:59,200 OK... But then, when he stopped racing, I don't know, 264 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:03,160 it was like he lost the whole direction of his life. 265 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,360 So he travelled the world. 266 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:08,400 Every adventure you can imagine. 267 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:11,360 Eventually he came back and settled in his old home town, 268 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:13,520 drinking out his days with his old school pals, 269 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:15,320 banging out tunes on the joanna. 270 00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:21,200 I bet you do something exciting in your life, don't you, eh? 271 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,360 It's in the genes, eh? Eh? 272 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:31,440 I'm a solicitor on the high street. On paternity leave. 273 00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:33,560 Right. 274 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:37,160 Still, I'm sure you've got some good stories to say about your life. 275 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:40,600 I mean, Big Jack used to keep this pub entertained for hours. 276 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:45,200 Tell them some exciting stories from your life. Go on, go on. 277 00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:49,920 Well... 278 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:53,600 I... BARMAN CHUCKLES 279 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:56,280 Erm... 280 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,800 That was another level. 281 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,000 Top lovemaking from you there, Rach. 282 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:06,720 Thank you. 283 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,880 PHONE TEXT TONE Oh, your phone. 284 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:14,560 Oh, no, Dale. Oh, it's just Ben. He says Ling is com... 285 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:17,360 "Ling is coming"? What is this? 286 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,400 "Ling is almost here"? What is this? 287 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,800 Oh, erm, yeah, Ben called, 288 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:24,840 but I must have forgotten in the heat of passion. 289 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:26,240 What?! 290 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:29,560 How could you forget about that? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 291 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:31,760 I've cheated on somebody who loves me. 292 00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:34,040 This is not good! This is not good, Dale! 293 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:36,280 Dale, you haven't done anything wrong. 294 00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:38,240 Why would she not sent word that she's coming? 295 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,640 Like, how could she just turn up like this? 296 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:47,400 OK, Dale, a couple of weeks back there was, erm... 297 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:50,240 a letter from China. A letter for me? 298 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:51,600 Mm-hm. 299 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,560 Wait, have you been hiding this from me the whole time? 300 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:57,960 I wanted you to forget about her. I love you, Dale. 301 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:10,120 You've done bad, Rachel. 302 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:17,320 DOOR OPENS 303 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:20,120 I don't know why you have to hit me, Lorna. Well, I can't sleep. 304 00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:23,000 You sound like a hippo. HE SNIFFS 305 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,120 RACHEL SOBS 306 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,400 Dale's going away, Mum. 307 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:31,000 He's going back to China with Ling. 308 00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:35,160 Oh, Rach. 309 00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:39,920 CAR HORN 310 00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:05,400 KNOCKING ON DOOR 311 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,800 Well, this is nice. 312 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,320 Sorry. When I feel awkward, 313 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,760 I just keep chatting my head off and this is awkward. 314 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:20,200 What about some cake? Would some tasty cakes 315 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,760 stop anybody feeling weird? Mr Zai, can I offer you...? Xi. 316 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:26,840 Xi, it's Mr Xi. 317 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:30,240 Sorry, Mr Xi, would you like some sticky bun? 318 00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:32,080 HE SPEAKS CANTONESE 319 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,720 My father is not hungry or thirsty. 320 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:35,840 Well, fair enough. 321 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:38,800 I'll take them. 322 00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,120 Where is Dale? 323 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:48,240 DOOR OPENS 324 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:57,320 My father wants Dale to know he has decided to be merciful 325 00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:59,240 and let him marry me. 326 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:02,480 Dale will fly to Shanghai and he will join the family. 327 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:07,560 Mr Xi... 328 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,080 ..I truly am honoured... 329 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:15,320 ..but, I have to be honest... 330 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:19,360 ..I'm in love with Rachel. 331 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:22,800 I think I always was. 332 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:26,000 Hi. 333 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,720 Oh, it's lovely to meet you. Yeah. 334 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,320 Thank you. 335 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:44,920 But I actually like being a nanny better. 336 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:48,160 This is where I belong. 337 00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:52,520 It's OK. It is? 338 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,600 If you love Rachel, it is right we are not together. 339 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:05,760 Well, great. Fantastic. Maybe we could all go down to the pub...? 340 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:07,720 No! GUNSHOT 341 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:09,760 HE SHOUTS 342 00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:12,000 No! My daughter not good enough for you? 343 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,800 We're here to find husband, she have husband. 344 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:18,680 Erm, my father says you should reconsider 345 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:23,160 and do not embarrass him a second time, Dale, because if so... 346 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:26,800 HE SHOUTS ..he must kill all new family members. 347 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:32,960 Apart from Steve Chance, who's ace. 348 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:37,040 Thank you. Sorry. 349 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:38,920 Just going to go... 350 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:40,760 You know what, on second thought, I think 351 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:43,120 I should probably go back to China and marry Ling. 352 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:45,760 Yeah. I think it's a good idea, Dale. Good shout. 353 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,840 Good idea, it's a brilliant idea. 354 00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,040 You should definitely go to... Hmm? 355 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:52,840 We take your car, Steve Chance. 356 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:56,240 Wait. 357 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:03,480 Take me with you. Train me as a Triad. 358 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,680 I want to help you expand your business beyond the Yangtze, 359 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:08,800 up into the frozen north. 360 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,360 Or, failing that, 361 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:13,080 Litchfield is currently without Triad representation. 362 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:14,720 That would suit equally. Please. 363 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:19,360 My father says you are a merry little fellow... Thank you. 364 00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:20,600 ..but weak. Oh. 365 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:26,480 Take his gun. Take it in memory of his friendship. 366 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:31,040 We shall always have Cumbria and Norfolk. 367 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,160 Thank you. 368 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,560 Who goes there? 369 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,840 Whoa! What is going on? 370 00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:50,560 Ling's dad's arrived and he's insisting that Dale... 371 00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:53,120 No, what are you doing here? I need the house. 372 00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:55,000 I sent a text. 373 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:56,360 For fuck's sake! 374 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:08,640 Chief Ken. 375 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:10,800 Lorna. 376 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:17,680 KEN SIGHS 377 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:23,920 Dylan, I'm going to miss you. 378 00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:25,240 Ha-ha! Got you back, you twat. 379 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:27,640 Dylan. What? It's our thing. 380 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,040 I can't believe this is goodbye. 381 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:41,360 I hope one day we'll meet again in another life. OK. 382 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:42,720 Maybe as eagles. 383 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:48,800 MUSIC: Holocene by Bon Iver 384 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:52,600 # You fucked it, friend 385 00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:55,480 # It's on its head It struck the street 386 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,840 # You're in Milwaukee, off your feet 387 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:15,760 # And at once I knew I was not magnificent... # 388 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:17,760 Rach, I'm so sorry. 389 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,240 Come on. 390 00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:24,040 Fancy coming to my room? OK. 391 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,800 Best come inside. You OK, love? 392 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:31,600 Just a bit short of breath. 393 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,360 I left my Ventolin at home, so it's probably... 394 00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:37,840 Oh, right. Well, come on, then. 395 00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:40,560 No, Lorna, do you believe in love at first sight? 396 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:41,720 Yes, obvs. 397 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:44,720 I mean, like a thunderbolt? Completely irrational? Are you OK? 398 00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:46,360 Your face has gone weird. 399 00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:50,880 Lorna, I'm not Rachel's bestie, I'm not anyone's bestie... 400 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:54,120 ..because I love Ling. 401 00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,320 But Ling loves Dale. 402 00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:00,800 No, we get on. Me and Ling get on. 403 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:06,320 I think she prefers me. Really? Really. Seriously? 404 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,960 I'm telling you, she likes me back. And I love Ling. 405 00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:12,000 MUSIC: Danger! High Voltage by Electric Six 406 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,640 Everyone get in the car, maybe we can still stop Dale. 407 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:15,880 I'm in the front, Lorna. 408 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:18,240 Come on! 409 00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:24,600 # Fire in the disco... # 410 00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:26,520 At this rate, we won't catch my Golf GTI. 411 00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:29,520 It eats roads like this for breakfast. Shut up, Steve. 412 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:31,240 Hold on. 413 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:33,080 THEY SCREAM 414 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:36,280 How's this for a high-street solicitor? 415 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:38,360 Nice one, Ken. I've hurt my knee. 416 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,320 Oh, Jesus! 417 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:45,840 Can anyone see them? There he is! There! 418 00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:48,720 Hold on. 419 00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:53,400 Hold on! 420 00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:59,200 Travelling in the car with Steve McQueen. 421 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,000 The actor, not the director. 422 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,000 Go, Ken. Stop! 423 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,440 Dale! 424 00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:06,760 Ken, do think you can get a little closer? Why? 425 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:08,600 GUN COCKS Steve! 426 00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:10,800 Fucking hell, Steve! Dale's in there. 427 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:12,600 Not good enough for the Triads, eh? 428 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:14,120 What the fuck?! 429 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,360 THEY SCREAM 430 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:21,000 # Danger, danger. # 431 00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:25,920 Oh, my God, Steve. 432 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,320 HE SHOUTS 433 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,680 You idiot! He's got a gun! 434 00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,600 You betrayed me, Steve Chance. 435 00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:42,360 Go right, go right, go right. 436 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:47,800 Stop, she's hit her head. 437 00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:50,960 Ling! Out of the way, I'm a doctor. 438 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,280 I'm sorry, Mr Xi, she's dead. 439 00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:04,880 No! HE YELLS 440 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:08,400 Ling, Ling, I've only just found you. 441 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,560 Move away from the body and keep the area clear. 442 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:11,600 No! 443 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:19,240 # People fall in love in mysterious ways 444 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,680 # Maybe just a touch of your hand 445 00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:26,120 # Well, me I fall in love with you... # 446 00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,080 # Every single day... # 447 00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:32,200 # And I just want to tell you I am... # 448 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:33,240 Ling! 449 00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:36,560 # So, honey, now 450 00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:41,640 SCREECHING: # Take me into your loving arms, darling. # 451 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:43,280 Let's maybe not sing now, OK? 452 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:49,200 You're supposed to be a doctor, you said she was dead. She looked dead. 453 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:50,600 I must be getting rusty. 454 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:09,800 OK. You come to China. 455 00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:36,520 Since I'm moving to Shanghai, I guess I'll have to finish those 456 00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:39,640 Curtis mortgages remotely. Ben... 457 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:41,560 we're going to miss you, come here. 458 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:46,000 You go. Go in the law. 459 00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:51,240 Bye, Ben. Yeah, OK, bye. 460 00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:56,400 Let's do this! I hardly know her, but this is going to be great. 461 00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:59,080 Bye, Ben, you'll be fine. 462 00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:01,080 Bye, bestie. Bye, buddy. 463 00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:04,600 I really love that guy. 464 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,440 I hope he survives. 465 00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:09,400 So you had your adventure. 466 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:13,760 Yeah, I think that'll do, actually, Lorna. 467 00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:17,880 We'll start small, Ken, protection... Shut up, Steve. 468 00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:19,960 MUSIC: Send Me On My Way by Rusted Root 469 00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:21,480 Now, where were we? 470 00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:29,280 GUNSHOTS I'm Steve. Steve. 471 00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:33,600 Know my name. 472 00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:35,560 Steve! Steve. 473 00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:38,120 What's he doing? Idiot. 474 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:44,640 Right, then, family, shall we continue our holiday? Yes. Right. 475 00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:47,520 We could go for a nice long walk this afternoon. Oh, Dad! 476 00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:54,400 # Well, I would like to hold my little hand 477 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:58,360 # And we will run, we will crawl We will 478 00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:02,720 # I would like to hold my little hand 479 00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:06,560 # We will run, we will crawl 480 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:09,880 # Send me on my way On my way 481 00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:11,760 # Send me on my way On my way 482 00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:13,880 # Send me on my way On my way 483 00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:15,720 # Send me on my way On my way 484 00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:17,440 # Send me on my way On my way. #