1 00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:10,360 Morning, Chief Ken. 2 00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:11,640 Fuck's sake, Dale! 3 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:14,000 Chief Steve called at 2am. 4 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,680 He said he wants me to install a sprinkler system at the bar, 5 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:19,560 so at closing time, it can rain coconut milk! 6 00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:21,280 I LOVE it! 7 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:23,720 I just hope it's not one of his drunk ideas! 8 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:25,480 Don't call Steve "Chief Steve". 9 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:26,880 Why, Chief Ken? 10 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:28,360 I just think it's inappropriate. 11 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:29,680 Morning, Dale. 12 00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:31,720 Morning, love! Morning, love! 13 00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:35,640 In your suit? Yes! No rest for the wicked. 14 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:38,960 9am with Peter, then a strategy meeting, then... 15 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:40,320 But it's Saturday. 16 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:45,240 Yes... Strategy Saturday. 17 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,000 Strate-day. 18 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:50,400 It's a new scheme of Jane's. I told you, no? 19 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:54,040 Saturday becomes Monday, and Monday - now that's Thursday. 20 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:55,480 So... 21 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:58,120 Hm! Such a fiendishly clever idea. 22 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:02,160 Monday, Thursday, I'm not even sure I understand it! 23 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:03,760 It's only for this week. 24 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:05,320 I don't think it'll stick. 25 00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:06,840 Oh, well, that's a shame. 26 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:08,640 Everybody's out today. 27 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:12,200 I thought we could get a bit of Ken and Lorna time. 28 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:13,760 Really? 29 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:15,040 Yeah. Oh...! 30 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:16,840 Well, obviously, I can't. 31 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:19,560 Because I've got work, so... 32 00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:31,240 Bollocks! 33 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,000 Least I can do when you've been toiling away all day. 34 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:45,600 Yeah, I have. 35 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:49,200 Dale's really putting in the effort with this new bar, isn't he? 36 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,120 Good on him. Yes. 37 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:53,360 Although he should change the name, and the location, 38 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,760 and probably think about killing his business partner. 39 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:57,000 But apart from that...! 40 00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:01,760 Hey, these are a lot less expensive than I thought. 41 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:04,000 What would you think if I got a Vespa? 42 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,480 I would think - and everybody would think - 43 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,400 you were having a mid-life crisis. 44 00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:12,280 Or that I was born to ride through the streets of Lichfield like 45 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:15,200 the hot-blooded Mediterranean daredevil I am? 46 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,600 LOUD RAP MUSIC 47 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:20,240 Who's that?! 48 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,920 It's 11.30, on a Saturday night! 49 00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:31,600 It's the new neighbours, isn't it? 50 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:34,560 I think we can let it go just this once, Ken. Night, love. 51 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:44,440 LOUD MUSIC: Golden Skans by Klaxons 52 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,360 It's 12.45. 53 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:55,960 They're going to wake Sid up. 54 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:57,680 Sid sleeps through anything. 55 00:02:57,680 --> 00:02:59,400 Yes, but nobody told THEM that. 56 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,680 I'm going to the garden centre tomorrow. 57 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,440 If I'm tired, it will affect my decision-making. 58 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:07,440 Where's my phone? No, Ken. 59 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:09,640 Ken! No! Don't! Don't! Uh-uh! 60 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:11,520 LORNA SIGHS 61 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:17,800 Police? Yes, hello, I'd like to report a rowdy house party. 62 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:20,720 2 Barker Road. 63 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:25,760 How loud is it?! Hang on a minute, I'll just get my portable decibel meter. 64 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:27,600 HE MOUTHS 65 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,680 Oh, apparently it's really loud! 66 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:31,920 You MIGHT send someone over? 67 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,200 SARCASTICALLY: Oh, thank you so much. 68 00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:39,400 I'm going round. 69 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:40,640 Wait! I'm coming too. 70 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,200 Their house is the same plan as ours. 71 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,400 I want to see what they've done with their kitchen. 72 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:47,280 Lorna, we're going round to complain, not to get design tips. 73 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:48,640 I only want a peek. 74 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:51,080 Give me 20 minutes while I put something nice on. 75 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:53,720 What? No! I'm going to throw a dressing gown on and go around. 76 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:56,520 You are not! Put that nice Marks & Spencer's shirt on. 77 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:59,360 Make a good impression before you ruin their party. 78 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:00,400 Oh, God. 79 00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:05,120 MUSIC: Get Lucky by Daft Punk featuring Pharrell Williams 80 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:13,360 Hey! I recognise you two! You're from next door! 81 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:14,400 Yes! 82 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,120 I saw you on your drive earlier. 83 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:18,000 I hope we haven't been making too much noise. 84 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,160 No! It's fine, no! No trouble at all! 85 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,920 Well, come in! Have a drink! 86 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:23,120 I insist. 87 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,960 I'm Lloyd - it's my birthday! 88 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,120 Oh, happy birthday! I'm Lorna. 89 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:37,160 45! Old man's birthday. 90 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:40,120 Got myself a new Vespa, though. 91 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,000 Nice! Brand-new? 92 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,200 I'll show you. 93 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,840 Treated myself to the GTS 300. 94 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:48,520 Because I'm worth it! 95 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:49,920 Yeah, girl! 96 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:51,360 Whoa! Look at this guy! 97 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,440 He's even older than you, Lloyd! 98 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,800 I thought ages stopped at you! 99 00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:00,160 Rude! This is my girlfriend, Maggie. 100 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:02,880 These are mostly her friends - much younger crowd. 101 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:04,960 But fun, though! Right, drinks! 102 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:12,200 # Down in New Orleans! In New York City! 103 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:17,960 # All we need is music, sweet music 104 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:21,240 # There'll be music everywhere! # 105 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,280 These people are so fun! 106 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:26,520 I know! People I actually like! This has never happened! 107 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:32,440 # Whoa! It doesn't matter what you wear... # 108 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:34,000 MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS 109 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,960 The strippers are here! Woooooo! 110 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,800 All right, calm down, please. Thank you, stop. 111 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,800 We're having fun here, OK? Don't be such a fascist! 112 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,520 I'm not a fascist actually, ma'am. 113 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:46,720 In fact, in the last election, I voted Green. 114 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:49,560 Erm, you're being very noisy, your neighbours have complained. 115 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:52,000 Oh, hi, Ken! Do you remember me! The, er... 116 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,080 No. Oh. 117 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:56,920 Who complained? Which neighbour? Come on, tell us! 118 00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,240 Actually, I'm a lawyer, and I don't think we should question the 119 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:01,640 police officer about his sources. That might get you in trouble. 120 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,880 I don't take the calls, I just respond to them. I see. 121 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:07,240 Fine! Fine! No more music. Party's over, everyone! 122 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:08,880 No way! This is our house. 123 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:11,800 Come on, everybody, the party is not over! 124 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,960 ALL: The party is not over! The party is not over! 125 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:16,760 The party is not over! 126 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:18,400 The party is not over! 127 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,680 Calm down, thank you, madam, we're just... 128 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,000 In my own house, I'll do what I want. 129 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,280 Maybe I want to rip my clothes off. 130 00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:27,040 Hey, no, Mags... 131 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,560 Who's going to stop me in my own bloody home? 132 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,200 THEY CHEER 133 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:37,120 Erm, I think you're going to have to accompany me to the station. 134 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:40,120 Please. Please. Officer, you don't need to do this! 135 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,600 Party's over, everyone! 136 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,640 Ken, I am so sorry. 137 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:47,560 It was really nice to meet you. 138 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:59,760 Oh, and I love this new beach theme for All Steve's Pals! 139 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:03,480 I'm actually headed off to buy four tonnes of genuine Hawaiian sand. 140 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:06,040 Expensive, but you notice the difference. 141 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:10,960 Hey, Chief Ken! Oh, and remember - cocktail tasting later! 142 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:12,120 Looking forward to it, Dale! 143 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,240 Yeah, let's get fucked out of our brains! Dylan! 144 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,520 But, yes. OK! Ha-ha, see ya! 145 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:19,720 Lloyd still hasn't texted back. 146 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:21,840 Well, you did get his girlfriend arrested. 147 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,040 What's this? Lloyd next door. 148 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,600 Your dad's developed an intense man-crush. 149 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,640 I have not! Here, check this text. 150 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:32,800 "Hey mate. Great party last night. See you round." 151 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:35,000 Think I overdid it? Came on too strong? 152 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,440 I think you kept your cool. 153 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:38,920 Good. You're right, Mum, he's got it bad. 154 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,560 Shut up! I have not got a man-crush. 155 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:45,640 Lloyd is just a really, really cool and amazing guy who lives next door. 156 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:48,840 Whatevs. Careful, Mum, I think Dad might run off and marry him! 157 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:51,200 That would be modern. Right. 158 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,160 I have a very important meeting this morning. 159 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:54,480 I'm just a bit pushed for time. 160 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:56,960 Arseholes. 161 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,320 Bye, big boy! 162 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,360 SPORTS COMMENTARY THROUGH HEADPHONES 163 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:19,600 MUSIC: Have You Seen Her? by The Chi-Lites 164 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,680 Ken! Lloyd! 165 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,480 Shouldn't you be at work? 166 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,640 Oh, yeah, I was going to go in but, erm... 167 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,520 How was your head Saturday morning, champ?! 168 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:41,240 Wow! That hangover! 169 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,480 I was like... 170 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:46,160 Did you get my text? 171 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:49,160 I think one of Maggie's young party friends made off with my smartphone. 172 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:51,440 Ah. To be honest, I feel free without it! 173 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:53,040 I know what you mean, bruv. 174 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:57,000 Modern technology is so annoying, isn't it? Call waiting, 175 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,920 when stuff is slow to load... 176 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:03,480 Yeah. I'm taking the new Vespa into Birmingham - needs some fine tuning. 177 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,160 Can't stop. Don't stop. 178 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,400 I don't want you to stop. 179 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:10,040 Unless, of course, crazy thought - 180 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:12,840 we could scoot back and pick up the old bike and you could come with! 181 00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:14,680 Come with? 182 00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:17,200 Yeah, of course! 183 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,720 I love coming with. 184 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,520 What am I asking? You can't take the day off. 185 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:23,480 I can, I can, I can! I would love to! 186 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,040 Well, grab your stuff. 187 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:36,600 Chief Ken! 188 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:37,880 Dale! 189 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:39,920 Just checking out the competition! 190 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:43,360 All Steve's Pals are planning on serving a 24-hour breakfast. 191 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:46,280 And, well, this place has mastered perpetual breakfasts. Yeah. 192 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:49,960 Wait, why aren't you at work? 193 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,480 Oh, I was, um... 194 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,920 I was feeling a bit woozy this morning, 195 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:57,160 so I went to the doctor and his advice was I should have 196 00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,720 a full English breakfast immediately, you know. 197 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,520 So here I am. 198 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:02,560 Oh. 199 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,200 Yeah! Well, that makes complete sense! 200 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,600 OK! I'll go now. 201 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:11,680 Bye. Bye. 202 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:22,800 MUSIC: Mary France by Jean-Jacques Perrey 203 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:37,880 Whoa! 204 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,960 HE ROARS 205 00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:51,480 Woohoo! 206 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,280 Lloyd, I love you! What? 207 00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:58,480 Nothing! 208 00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:03,000 ROCK GUITAR RIFFS 209 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,440 HE COPIES 210 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:26,000 Yes, Lloyd! You rock! 211 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,600 How's, erm, how's Maggie? 212 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,320 Oh, she got off with a caution. 213 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,160 Tell you what gets me, though, Ken. 214 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:37,000 That neighbour, calling the police over one tiny birthday party. 215 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,760 Yeah, although, I mean, it was after midnight. 216 00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:42,640 And in a residential area, but... 217 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:45,320 Yeah, but you go round, explain the problem like a man, 218 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,800 not crawl to the police like some worm. 219 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,280 Yeah. 220 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:52,760 Still, we have no way of knowing who it was, so... 221 00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:53,840 Ken... 222 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,920 I know exactly who it was. 223 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:01,120 Do you? 224 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:07,400 Steve Chance. 225 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:10,440 From over the road. You know him? 226 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,760 Not really. I mean, I've met him. 227 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:13,960 Day we moved in, 228 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:17,040 I caught him looking in our bathroom window with binoculars. 229 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,680 He said he was looking for owls. 230 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,720 It was noon. 231 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:22,960 Weird guy. 232 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,280 Yeah. 233 00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:26,800 Still, you can't be sure it was him, so... 234 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,520 Can't I? 235 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:31,640 Ken, if there's one thing you learn from leaving your wife and kids, 236 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:34,280 quitting your job and living off your savings, 237 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,080 it's trust your instincts. 238 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:37,760 Steve Chance is the grass, 239 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:41,160 and grasses get grassed on - 240 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,680 know what I mean? 241 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:48,120 Not really. 242 00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:53,120 Hey, you want a beer? 243 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,560 Now, I would love a beer! 244 00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:56,760 DOORBELL RINGS 245 00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:59,000 Get that for us, would you, mate? Yeah. 246 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:06,000 Chief Ken! What are you doing at Lloyd's house? 247 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:09,480 Oh, it's... Did I not tell you? I'm, um... 248 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,600 It's a team-building exercise at work. 249 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:16,760 You just go round to a neighbour's house, 250 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,720 and you compose some guitar music. 251 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:22,520 Then, at the end of the week, there's a competition. 252 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:26,800 What do you win? Just some, erm... 253 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:28,400 ..law stuff. 254 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:37,640 Gotcha! Got to say, Jane really is shaking up things at your work. 255 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,600 She is! 256 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,920 I was just going door-to-door doing some market research for 257 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,120 All Steve's Pals. OK. 258 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:46,440 But I won't interrupt you guys! Let the music flow, maestro! 259 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:49,080 Oh, I will, I can promise you that! 260 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:50,200 Woo! 261 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:52,840 Bye! Bye! 262 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,680 Beering it up with a mate at 4pm on a weekday. 263 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,280 I have not done this for time, bruv. 264 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:09,240 While every other sucker's chained to their desk! 265 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:10,520 Yeah, suckers! 266 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,120 Ahhhh, beer. 267 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,480 I love it! 268 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,840 You know, I like you, Ken. 269 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:20,920 I like you too, mate. 270 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,520 What you up to there? Just putting this baby up on Instagram. 271 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:25,720 Don't do that! 272 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:29,520 Sorry, listen... 273 00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:33,840 It's a little bit sensitive, but I didn't have to get the day off 274 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,080 from work today. 275 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:39,200 You see, a couple of weeks back, I was suspended. 276 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,520 Ken! 277 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,840 Only for a month. I haven't told Lorna, I didn't want to worry her, 278 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:44,960 you know? 279 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,160 Totally! Get yourself some Ken time. 280 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,440 Yeah. 281 00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:51,920 Yeah! It's a relief to tell someone, to be honest. 282 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,800 It's been a nightmare at home. 283 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,080 Imagine having to keep it from your whole family 284 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:57,920 you've been suspended from work. 285 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,280 Chief Ken? What the fuck, Dale?! 286 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,760 Jiminy Cricket! You've been suspended from work!? 287 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,880 You're not to let on about ANY of this. Do you understand? 288 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,000 Yes. Your secret is safe with me. 289 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,040 Though I can't promise not to tell Rachel and Lorna. 290 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:17,160 What?! Those are the exact people you're not allowed to tell! 291 00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:18,640 You're going to have to lie, Dale. 292 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:19,880 No, Chief Ken. 293 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:21,600 Lying is like my third-worst thing, 294 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,280 after remembering and Scrabble. 295 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:25,840 As soon as I lie, I can feel people looking at me, 296 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,480 and I just know they can see the evil in my face. 297 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,920 I guess I could just never look at anybody ever again. 298 00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:32,720 Well, you're going to have to find a solution. 299 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:36,360 Because if you tell Lorna, I won't be your friend any more. 300 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:38,080 I would hate that. Well, it's an option. 301 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,280 I've got a new friend now, so you're expendable. 302 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:43,560 I am watching you. 303 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:01,240 Oh, hiya, love! 304 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:05,120 Lorna! My beautiful wife! 305 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:07,040 What a tiring day at work. 306 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:08,760 I'll cook dinner later, though. 307 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:13,360 No need! It's Dale's cocktails over at All Steve's Pals. 308 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,000 What's he doing with you? Oh! 309 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,120 Oh, I bumped into him on my way back from work. 310 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:21,560 I was walking along the road, and there he was. 311 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:24,000 Oh, right. What were you up to, Dale? 312 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:25,040 Mm... 313 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:27,560 Hmm? 314 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:30,800 He was gathering stones. 315 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,040 Oh, did you get any nice ones? 316 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:37,920 I made him throw them away. 317 00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:40,240 Yeah. Dale? 318 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:42,960 Yes. 319 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,240 Stones. I lost my lovely stones. 320 00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:46,280 Lovely stones. 321 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:48,600 Oh, OK, I'm going to go for a jog! Yeah. 322 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:52,200 He seems under the weather, doesn't he? 323 00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:54,480 It's not worth analysing. It's probably meaningless. 324 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:01,280 When she looks me in the eyes, I just want to tell her everything! 325 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:04,480 Find a way! 326 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:22,200 Et voila! Bespoke cocktails. 327 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,720 The Lorna - short and sweet... 328 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:28,720 The Rachel - fruity, with a spicy kick. 329 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:31,440 And the Ken - it's plain, 330 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:33,480 no-nonsense, with a high fat content. 331 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:35,080 Yes, thank you, Dale. 332 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:36,400 Mmmm! 333 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,600 Oh, I really like mine, Dale! 334 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,760 So, now probably explain the weird mask. 335 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:45,320 This? Mm? Oh, it's just something I threw on! 336 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:47,560 From here on out, I'll constantly wear it. 337 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:50,200 Quite right too. It's a nice mask. Suits him. 338 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,760 Yeah, a totally normal boyfriend. 339 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:53,280 Well done, Rach! Tut! 340 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:55,640 DOOR CLOSES 341 00:17:55,640 --> 00:18:00,200 Give me a double Ken. Just got back from mine. I am in shock. 342 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:01,760 Are you OK, Steve? 343 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,360 An abomination, Lorna! 344 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:06,280 I, Steve Chance, have on this day in the year of our Lord 2018, 345 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,360 been cressed! 346 00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:10,400 Cressed? What do you mean "cressed"? 347 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,600 Oh, some lowlife put cress seeds through my letterbox. 348 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:13,880 They've grown there. 349 00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:15,440 Grass all over the doormat. 350 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,520 Connie and I used to make love on that mat. 351 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,040 It was uncomfortable for her, 352 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,680 but it protected the carpet. Oh, Steve. 353 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:24,560 Only one kind of seed should be on that carpet, Lorna. 354 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:26,400 I refer, of course, to mine. 355 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:27,760 Yes, thank you, Steve. 356 00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:29,800 I'm sure we're all very upset for you. 357 00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:34,040 Cheers! A Lorna, Steve? 358 00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:36,120 Don't mind if I do. Cheers. 359 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:42,240 Ken and Lorna mingling in my tummy. 360 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:43,720 Ah, fucking hell. 361 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:48,560 This Civil War history walk goes all the way to Worcester. 362 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:51,000 We could get the girls, make a weekend of it! 363 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,920 Yes! Now, that is a great idea! 364 00:18:56,800 --> 00:19:00,480 Hey, Lloyd, I hope you don't mind me asking. 365 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:03,480 It seems that Steve Chance has been cressed. 366 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:07,040 I couldn't help but draw a connection, what with what you said, 367 00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:09,800 about the grasses getting grassed and all that. 368 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:10,920 Yeah? 369 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:16,680 Bet that got to him, right?! 370 00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:17,920 It seems so, yes. 371 00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:20,720 And it doesn't stop there, I've got loads of ideas - 372 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:21,800 poison his garden, 373 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,480 maybe throw a burning newspaper through his window. 374 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:27,280 All good ideas. 375 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:29,880 Or maybe just leave it. 376 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,080 I mean, you can't be sure it was Steve that made the phone call. 377 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:34,680 Well, who did, then? 378 00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:37,400 Well, it's probably Steve. 379 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:42,160 But, what it is is... now you've pranked him back, 380 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:43,880 probably just call it quits. 381 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,800 Ken... 382 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:51,280 ..if a man wrongs me, I crush him. 383 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:53,840 I can't stand sneaks. 384 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:55,680 And I can't stand liars. 385 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:57,880 It's got me into trouble before. 386 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,040 Pork scratchings? 387 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:03,240 Yes, lovely. 388 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,560 No, you're right, I'm too impetuous. 389 00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:12,240 For your sake, Ken, I will not hurt Steve Chance. 390 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:13,360 Oh, phew! 391 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:14,560 That is a relief. 392 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:16,040 I was worried, actually. 393 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:19,080 I'm just sensitive when it comes to Maggie. 394 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,600 Before she came along, I was on the edge, Ken. 395 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:24,960 I'd left my wife, didn't know where I was. 396 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,680 Even thought of ending it. 397 00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:28,440 She's my rock. 398 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:30,160 My reason. 399 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:31,400 Yeah. 400 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,600 You can't do this! You can't take me away! 401 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,320 What the hell is going on?! 402 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:38,280 Ah! Lloyd Evans? Your girlfriend's been in the country illegally. 403 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,840 She came up last week on the system with a drugs charge. 404 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,320 We thought she'd left months ago. NO! You touched my tit! 405 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,880 That's sexual harassment and I'm going to get you for that. 406 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,960 Look, Officer, I'm a lawyer, I think maybe... 407 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:51,280 Look, honestly and sympathetically, I take no joy in this. 408 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:55,120 Right, let's load her up and get this rodeo rolling! 409 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,920 Please don't do this. 410 00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:58,080 No choice, I'm afraid. 411 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:00,480 I'm stuck in here with a lesbian! Help! 412 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:02,520 It's ironic, isn't it? None of this would have happened 413 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,520 if your neighbour hadn't made that noise complaint. 414 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:06,880 Ha! Right, let's go! 415 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:10,320 BABY! Maggie! Maggie! 416 00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:13,160 Don't go! Maggie, I love you! 417 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,440 DON'T LEAVE ME! 418 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:25,800 I miss my baby! I miss my baby! 419 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,800 I know...I know you do, love. 420 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,240 Here you go. 421 00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:33,640 Maggie! 422 00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,680 Right, well, thank you - yeah, you've been amazingly helpful. 423 00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:37,960 Great. Thanks! 424 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:40,480 Well, that was Immigration. 425 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,360 She's totally fucked. 426 00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:43,960 He's not taking it well. 427 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:48,280 Funny, isn't it? 428 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:52,200 I mean, you basically got his girlfriend deported. 429 00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:54,520 Lorna. Just because you cause something, 430 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,640 it doesn't necessarily mean it's your fault. 431 00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,600 Isn't that exactly what it means? 432 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:01,880 Look, she's a bit vapid anyway, isn't she, Maggie? 433 00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:03,880 And too young for him. 434 00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,280 I actually think this could be good for Lloyd. 435 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:09,480 These lies have a way of spiralling out of control. 436 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:13,120 Lorna, I promise you, everything's going to be absolutely fine. 437 00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:14,840 LOUD CRASH 438 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,480 WESTERN STYLE MUSIC 439 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:19,880 Ken! Scotch! 440 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,360 You'll join me in a dram? 441 00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:23,760 No, no, you're all right, thanks, mate. 442 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,320 Mind if I use this, then? 443 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:26,720 Whoa. 444 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:27,920 Hey presto! 445 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,600 Lloyd, Lloyd, everything's going to be fine. 446 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:34,240 Just calm down! You have to do something. 447 00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:35,920 Those oven gloves are Cath Kidston. 448 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,560 They are not to be used for murder. 449 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:44,280 Ken, mate, I'm going to finish this glove, then me and you 450 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:47,520 go over to Steve's and give him a couple of fork punches. 451 00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:48,840 Tell him it wasn't Steve. 452 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,880 Maybe at a later date, when he's not got knives on his hands. 453 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:53,280 Hello! 454 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:56,920 What's going on? 455 00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:58,720 Who's Edward Cutleryhands? 456 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:01,640 Lloyd. He's just had a bit of bad news. 457 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,440 So we all need to work on keeping him relaxed. 458 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:06,680 There, there, fella. 459 00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:08,680 Hey, let's get you to bed, eh? 460 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:10,640 Things will seem brighter in the morning. 461 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:12,400 That's true, she's right. They always do! 462 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:13,440 But we're drinking! 463 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:15,200 Yeah, but maybe we stop drinking? 464 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:18,040 I am drinking until I can drink no longer! 465 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:20,960 Oh. Actually, that might work too. 466 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:22,840 I'll check the drinks cabinet. OK. 467 00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:24,880 And then, I'm going to fuck Steve up. 468 00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:27,400 Great idea. Let's keep that on the table. 469 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:29,560 But maybe we could play a drinking game. 470 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:34,040 Yeah? Where you drink more and more and more until you have a lovely 471 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:36,720 sleep and you DON'T murder Steve. 472 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,240 How would that be? 473 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:41,160 He's probably not over there anyway, he's probably still out in his Uber. 474 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:44,000 Oh, actually he just got home, I saw him drive in. 475 00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:47,280 LLOYD ROARS 476 00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:52,160 Dale! What have you done?! 477 00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,480 Steve Chance! 478 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,120 Come on out here and face the music! 479 00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:07,080 If you're a man, come on out here and fight me like a man! 480 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:08,600 Oh, Jesus! 481 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:14,320 Oh, Lloyd, Lloyd! Calm down! 482 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:17,440 Lloyd! It'll be all right. 483 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:21,280 Steve Chance took my Maggie! 484 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:24,880 Aaargh! 485 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:28,080 A shit for a shit. 486 00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:32,480 Oh, fuck it, fuck it! 487 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,680 Damn it, it's not coming, it's not coming. 488 00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:42,640 Someone's shitting on my lawn! 489 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:44,960 Here he is! The coward. 490 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,200 You destroyed my life! 491 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:48,400 What are you talking about? 492 00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:49,840 No more games, Chance. 493 00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:52,240 You grassed on me, and I grassed on you. 494 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:56,480 But now the shit is about to get real. 495 00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,200 Nobody shits on my lawn. If it's a fight you want, 496 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:03,640 then, by Odin, it's a fight you shall receive. 497 00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:05,080 18th century duelling pistol. 498 00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:07,120 They don't make them like this any more. 499 00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:08,600 Don't think I won't use it. 500 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:13,720 Jesus! 501 00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:18,000 Oh! 502 00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:25,280 It's pathetic. 503 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:29,280 Idiots. Bloody hell. 504 00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:32,760 Yes, Dale! 505 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,240 That's it, Dale. Hold him still while I blast away his gonads. 506 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:41,760 Give me that, you idiot. 507 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:44,800 Right. 508 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:46,720 This stops here. 509 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:49,000 Lloyd... 510 00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:52,360 ..it was me that made the phone call to the police. 511 00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:54,080 You? 512 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:55,160 Yeah. 513 00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:56,960 It wasn't Steve's fault that Maggie got deported. 514 00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:58,560 It was mine. 515 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:01,040 I didn't tell you because I was enjoying hanging out too much. 516 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:02,360 No. 517 00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:04,720 No, no, you're just saying this to save Steve's neck. 518 00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:08,680 I'm not, honestly. Dale, tell him the truth. 519 00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:11,480 The real truth, Chief Ken? 520 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:13,520 Yes, Dale. The truth. 521 00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:14,960 Go on, Dale. 522 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:18,680 OK, erm...everyone... 523 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:21,800 Chief Ken has been suspended from work 524 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,040 and he's been hiding it from Lorna this whole time. 525 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:26,280 Not THAT truth, for fuck's sake! 526 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:28,760 What?! KEN! 527 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,480 He's also been spending most of his days drinking. 528 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:34,120 I'm sorry, Chief Ken, she's staring me right in the eyes. 529 00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:37,960 You're suspended from work? Why the hell don't I know about this? 530 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:39,760 Oh, Dad! This is kind of a low. 531 00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:41,680 It was only for a month! So I just... 532 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,840 Kind of makes you question the whole relationship, I bet. 533 00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:46,600 Shut up, Dale! Lorna, I can explain. 534 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:49,200 Explain to ME! You destroyed my life! 535 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:52,240 Oh, leave it out! It was Maggie that had the drugs. 536 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:54,920 And it was you who decided to go all Mr Crazy Glove. 537 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:56,960 I personally have done nothing whatsoever to... 538 00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:58,320 GUNSHOT 539 00:26:58,320 --> 00:26:59,720 Oooh! 540 00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:03,160 My baby! No, no, no, no, no! 541 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:05,640 Call the engine! Call a fire engine! 542 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:08,200 Lorn... Ken, I can't even look at you. 543 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,800 Find somewhere else to spend the night. 544 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,120 Bloody hell, Dad. 545 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:17,000 Wow, Chief Ken. Homeless! 546 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,920 I would offer you shelter, but I sort of stay at your place, 547 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:21,960 so, you know... 548 00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:29,000 It's OK, Ken, you've got me. 549 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:30,640 You'll always have me. 550 00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,240 My baby! My baby! 551 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:37,760 Hold on! Hold on, Daddy's here!