# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think we're on the run?
# We are the boys who will stop your little game
# We are the boys who will make you think again
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think old England's done?
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
# So, who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think old England's done? #
'All over Britain, the civilian population is digging for victory.
'Every square inch of space that can be used for growing food is under cultivation.
'Nothing is too small.
'Every ounce of food grown at home means home security.
'Here are members of the Home Guard working on their allotment.
'What's this? They've spotted a low-flying enemy plane.
'A lucky escape for Jerry.
'Pigeon pie for supper for the boys of the Home Guard.'
'Here is the Reichssendung, Station Bremen and Station DXB on the 31-metre band.
'You are about to hear our news in English.
'The British Ministry of Disinformation...'
Wilson!
- SWITCHES RADIO OFF - It was tuned in like that. It's the vicar's. - Good heavens!
- There must be some mistake. - And his last sermon was seditious. - Really?
Hitler across the Channel and he picks The Parting Of The Waves as a subject!
- We've a Major Regan from Area HQ visiting. - Yes, sir. - We're on coastal patrol tonight. - Yes.
We're responsible for the area Stone's Amusement Arcade to the Jolly Roger Pier.
- The pier's the weak spot. We ought to have our best man there. Who's on first? - Er... Frazer and Godfrey.
- Ah... Who's the better of the two? - Normally Godfrey, but he's got this unfortunate bladder trouble.
- Yes, that's rather risky. Jerry could invade while he had his back turned. - Quite.
- Better put Frazer in. - Right, sir. - Sir, the uniform tops are here! - Good news, Wilson. - Yes.
- Unpack them! - I have. - You shouldn't have! ..WE should have got the pick.
- Permission to speak, sir? - Not just now. Fall the men in.
- They couldn't have come at a better time. - We won't look like partisans.
Why have you fell in? I never told you to.
Fall in!
- Damn! - What's the matter, sir? - I knew we should have got here first.
- Why? - They've left me one without buttons. - Look. Mine are the same.
- Platoon... - Permission to speak, sir. - Not just now, Corporal.
- Have none of the jackets buttons? - ALL: No, sir.
That's why I wanted to speak.
- They come separate with little ring things that hold them in. - This won't stop us. We've buttons at home.
This should bring out the best in our womenfolk.
I want you back in 45 minutes, by which time I expect to have things buttoned up.
Nice little joke, sir. Very good.
# If ever a heart was in the right place... #
- Platoon ready for inspection, sir. - Thank you, Corporal. - Squad, 'shun!
- Wait a minute. I wasn't quite ready. - Stand at ease! Squad, 'shun!
- I wasn't quite ready. - All right, all right.
- Soldiers - that's what they look like. - That's right, sir. - Soldiers.
- What's that cap badge, Walker? - 1/6d, sir. - What? - You want to kit out the whole mob, it'll cost 14 bob a dozen.
- What regiment is it?! - Anything you like - Coldstream Guards, Grenadier Guards... - Don't you understand?
- To wear a badge you're not entitled to is an offence. - No. Bit of a liberty, yeah. - Walker, take it off.
It's off my old patrol coat, sir.
I huvnae worn it since Jutland and the moths got at it.
Lucky you didn't get woodworm, too.
Those are rather flamboyant, aren't they, Godfrey?
My dress studs, sir. All I could manage at the spur of the moment.
I'm afraid the diamonds aren't real.
Platoon, stand at ease!
Men, I'm sure you'll agree this is a great moment - a great step forward towards fighting efficiency.
And it couldn't have come at a more appropriate time.
Tonight, we are responsible for a very vulnerable stretch of our beloved land,
from Stone's Amusement Arcade to the Jolly Roger Pier.
There's 15 minutes before we move off to our guard post - the Novelty Rock Emporium.
- The time can be spent in smartening up and checking our weapons. ..Corporal. - Sir. - Fall the men out.
- I think we'd better check our own equipment. - I quite agree.
- Sir, I'll bring them bangers in in a minute. - Thank you.
- What have we got here, sir? - Now, then...
Knife...cosh...knuckle-duster...
bicycle chain...
..sandwiches...
You keep them on, you hear?! Mum, it's a silly colour! Rubbish. Mr Mainwaring won't mind.
He doesn't look silly, does he?
Well... Ahem...
The colour IS a little startling.
He must have something to keep him warm on coast watch.
- I made them for the Bunny Babes dancing display. They make lovely Balaclava helmets. - Lovely.
I AM glad you think so. I brought one for you.
- It'll suit you. - Please! - And one for you. - What?
No, it's very kind, Mrs Pike, but the ears won't go under my helmet.
- Don't be silly. I'm going to cut the ears off. Try this on. - No, really!
- Arthur, put your ears on! - Must I? It's rather embarrassing.
- I don't want more of your chest trouble. Last time, you were awake all night coughing. - All right.
I'll try it on. It's really appalling, all this.
I'll just snip those ears off.
I can't see what I'm doing up there. All get down a bit. ..That's better.
- Major Regan, sir, from Area Headquarters... - Good eve...
Good evening, sir. She was just about to cut our ears off.
- Well, I really made them for the Bunny Babes. - She thought they'd make good Balaclava helmets.
- Pink? With ears on?! - I'll just run along.
I'll away and get into my Winnie The Pooh outfit.
I'm sure they're all very cosy, but pantomime clothes are not very good for discipline.
Nothing wrong with the discipline here, sir...
Mr Mainwaring, sorry, I nearly forgot. ..There you go.
Half a dozen eggs, milk chocolate.
Sergeant, there's your fags. I'll settle up later.
- Haven't you forgotten something? - I'll take your order later. - Salute your commanding officer! - Sorry.
Sorry about that...
Mainwaring, what's going on here?
Here we are - 6lb of best sausages.
There's enough for the whole troop to have a nice fry-up at about two o'clock in the morning.
- Rank, man! - I beg your pardon, they were fresh this morn...!
Perhaps you can explain, Captain?
We're going on coastal patrol.
- You look as if you're going on a party. - These help keep up morale.
The best way to keep up morale is with discipline and efficiency.
I'm appointed to inspect training and battle drill in all units in this command, starting with you.
- You're very welcome, sir. We're proud of our progress. - Indeed.
- What sort of things do you want to see? - The lot -
aiming and firing, crawling, map reading, first aid...
Splendid. We're ready any time you like.
Now?
Ah... That would be a bit awkward. We're about to go on coastal patrol.
- Tomorrow morning? - Wilson and I have to open the bank at 9.30.
- What about the rest? - Jones, the butcher, sluices his slab at 8am.
Not that he's anything on it. Old habits die hard.
- Frazer, Lock and Wiper, they've got shops, you see. - Godfrey's retired.
- You could inspect Godfrey. - It's his pension morning. - The evening?
- Yes, why not? - At 1800 hours.
- Mm? - Six o'clock, sir. - Oh, yes. Yes. Yes, look forward to that, sir.
You might get quite a surprise.
I very much doubt it.
- I think we'll have to watch him, Wilson. - Yes.
His eyes are too close together.
# If you need a hand in any time Or place, it's yours... #
- Everything ready? - As far as it can be. - I do hope they acquit themselves well.
- There are gaps in their training. - While you were planning the grand strategy, I've been teaching them.
- Major Regan, sir. - Good evening, sir. Everything's ready.
No bazaar trading today?
- Would you like to start the inspection? - Before they forget their party pieces? - ..Lead the way.
Squad! Squad, 'shun!
- May we carry on training? - Please do.
Sergeant.
What's this, current affairs? Stand up! Why aren't you in uniform?
- I'm the caretaker. - Get out the way. This is an inspection.
These men are studying aircraft recognition.
- Try them out. - Do all the men learn it? - Definitely. - And there's no set piece? ..You, boy. - Pike.
- What plane's that? - Heinkel 111, sir. - Next diagram. - That's the only one.
- What's the good of only identifying a Heinkel 111? - Usually round here it IS a Heinkel.
- We asked for more. Your people were unhelpful. - They're in short supply.
- I'm not used to being spoken to like that. - Later...
- If I tell the vicar, he'll turf you all out. - There IS a war on. - That cuts no ice.
- He's unhappy about church premises used for warlike purposes. - Later.
- There was no need to go on at me like that. Blimp! - Don't be cheeky.
- Here we're learning map-reading. - What's this?
- A church without a steeple. - Give the map reference. - 18...604...3. It'll be Methodist, I expect.
- What's that? - A railway cutting. - That? - Water mill. - And that?
A wee speck 'o dirt.
- So it is. Not bad at all. ..You! - Yes, sir. >
What's this?
A map.
Here, sir, we've got the first-aid section.
How do you do?
- How d'you arrest arterial bleeding? - Tourniquet at the pressure points -
here, there and there.
- What about a tourniquet round the throat? - It kills the patient. - Eh?
Better to use the thumb and relieve the pressure every few minutes.
- Was that what sir had in mind? - Yes.
These men are practising unarmed combat.
He wouldn't come at you like that. Like that! ..Aaggh!
CRASH
- That was a liberty. You're lucky I didn't put the boot in. - Coming along nicely.
- You didn't have to do that. - My men are keen. If you value your life, don't trifle with them.
- Will I fall the men in for a more formal inspection? - Yes, please do.
Fall in, three ranks, quick as you can.
- Bearing Jones in mind, go easy on the drill. - Right. ..At ease.
Squad, 'shun!
Slope arms!
ALL: One, two, three. One, two, three. One.
- They were together. How did you manage that? - They're all taking Jones's time.
I suppose you're wondering why I'm here.
The Home Guard has got to be made into an efficient fighting unit.
No room for mummy's darlings, slackers, spivs or elderly gents.
- How old are you? - 58... 59... 60.
House!
Sixty, eh? You've got a lot of medal ribbons. What are they? I don't recognise them.
Bit before your time, I expect. I'll show you. Do you mind holding that, sir?
There we are - one, two, three, four, five, six general service medals.
Seven - that's the Egyptian Campaign, 1884 to '85.
And eight - that's the Cadif Star, sir.
- What's number nine for? - Trying to relieve General Gordon, sir.
- You must have been very young. - Well, I didn't have my stripe.
- Hardly surprising. You'd be six. - Oh.
I might have dropped a year or two, but I'm fit. I can still get the cold steel in there.
See?
Ha! ..Oh, ain't got it. Oh, you've got it, sir. ..Thank you.
- I don't suppose you've fired it? - BANG! I have now, sir.
Well, let's see some of this fighting spirit. Order arms!
ALL: One, two, three. One, two, three. One.
Fix bayonets!
I think they gave me the wrong one.
- Mind where you point that! - Sorry.
- He's a shambles. - I think you're making him nervous.
I don't like nervous soldiers. ..Right. Let's see how good you are at bayonet fighting.
- Frazer, Walker, Pike, over here. - No, I want to see you two and you. - Yes, sir.
- Do you see that target? - Yes. - CHARGE!
Oooh...
- Not bad, Godfrey. - Fine when you're fighting bags of straw.
But I want to see more GUTS. ..You, CHARGE!
Ya-a-a-a-a agggghhhh ya-a-h-h-h, ya bastard Nazi!
- I'm sorry, sir, I swore. - You thought you were doing that to a Nazi, eh?
Oh, no, sir. Just to somebody I don't like.
- Corporal, that's a Nazi. See what you can do to him. - Yes, sir.
You dirty heathen swine. You looters, rapers, ravishers, despoilers of womanhood.
- Wahh-h-h... - Charge.
Me glasses have got a bit steamed up, sir.
- Care to see some grenade drill, sir? - No, thank you.
- And the rules of aiming? - Tip of the blade of foresight in the centre of the rear sight, in line with target!
- Good! - Well done, Pike.
- You, what are the rules of aiming? - He just told you, sir. - YOU tell me.
Keep... K-Keep the foresight... i-in line with the...
- No, that's not it. Keep the... - I've heard all I want to hear.
- Mainwaring... - And keep the... - Carry on. - That's very rude! I was talking.
- That man is making your platoon look ridiculous. - He's keen - a good example to the youngsters.
He's a potential danger. He's not physically up to it.
- Well, I should hate to lose him. - You may have to.
- Isn't that up to us? - Not necessarily. I'll make my report to the Area Commander.
You've got a long way to go, but you've done well. Congratulations.
- Good show. - Thank you very much, sir.
# There'll always be an England While there's a country lane... #
There's no doubt - we acquitted ourselves magnificently.
I must say, I was really awfully pleased.
No one man can take the credit, but it makes my hard work worthwhile.
- I can't help wondering who was the most surprised, Major Regan or you. - Why do you always spoil everything?
You can go.
Rotten bastard!
- I beg your pardon? - The swine!
We've had our differences, but please don't use beastly language.
- Listen to this. - What's that? - From GHQ.
"In view of the fact Lance Corporal Jones' records show he is overage,
- "we feel he should stand down." It's that Major Regan. - Yes. - He couldn't fault us for anything else.
Just a minute. There's more here.
"However, in view of your strong personal views and Corporal Jones having such a distinguished record,
"Major Regan has suggested that if Jones can complete the divisional assault course in 15 minutes,
- "he should be allowed to remain with the platoon during the present period of emergency." - 15 minutes!
- That's steep. - The infantry only have ten. - He'd never do it. Regan wants him to make a fool of himself.
- Well, one of us is going to have to tell him. - Yes, sir.
Hello, gentlemen.
I saw you come across, so I thought I'd pop over.
- There - 1 lb of steak for you, Mr Mainwaring. ..And 1 lb for you. - Thank you. - Thank you, Jones.
We showed him, didn't we?
- Sit down, Jones. - Yes, sit down. - Thank you, sir.
- I'll get it. - It's all right. - No, no. Make yourself comfortable. - Thanks very much.
- I've got something to tell you. - I'm getting my second stripe? - Well, not exactly...
I've had a letter from GHQ and they feel that...
- Well, the fact is... - Yes, sir?
They feel that you're overage.
Overage?
I'm only 70!
That's just the point. They feel that 70 IS overage.
That's not fair. I can do anything the other blokes can do.
I bet it's that snooty major.
I only wish I had him registered with me for meat.
He'd get it, but I'd cut it off of gristle. I do that sometimes, you know, when I don't like 'em.
I sit at me Sunday lunch thinking of them chewing the gristle.
I'm sorry, Jones. They want you to stand down.
..Stand down?
- There must be something we can do. - What about the test? - I don't know.
- What test is that? - To go over the assault course in 15 minutes. - Ah-ha! That'd be a bit of cake.
- I really don't think you could manage it. - Of course I'll manage it. I'll show 'em!
I tell you what, sir, after parade tonight, we'll go down the assault course.
I'll go through that assault course just like a dose of... We'll show 'em, sir.
They don't call me Up 'Em Jones for nothing.
# Singing a song For the old folks... #
- 15 minutes. - Stopwatch at the ready. - Do better with a grandfather clock. I heard that!
- Sergeant Wilson and I'll accompany you round the course. - Sir. - But before you start, here's a message.
- I can only give it to you once and you've to repeat it to us when you return. - Yes, sir.
- The enemy's on the run. Send reinforcements. I am going to advance. - Advance. - Got it? - Yes, sir.
All right. Stand by.
- PEEP-PEEP - Off you go. - Ahhhh!
Oh...
- Come on - give him a hand. - Help him up.
Wait a minute. ..Hup!
Up he goes. He CAN'T get up. He's stuck. He's got his boot in Walker's pocket.
- Don't just stand there! - Go on. Get up there!
Up you go. Well done.
- Well done, Jones. Very good. - Oh, he's left his rifle. - Oh, Lord! - Jones, you left your rifle behind!
Do you hear me?! Jones! Jones!
YOU LEFT YOUR...
- rifle behind. - Sorry, sir.
- Right, sir. ..Agghhh! - We'll take that as done.
- Come on, quickly. - Round here. A lovely piece of tarpaulin here.
- Quick as you can. - On you go, Jones. - Right, sir. - Underneath, quick!
- Get a move on. - Quick as you can.
- Do you think he should do this, sir, at his time of life? - He's all right.
Keep going, Jones.
Keep it up, Jones.
All right, Jones?
Where is he? ..Just a minute. Lance Corporal Jones, are you there?
- He's disappeared, sir. - He can't have disappeared! - He has.
- Go in and find him. - Don't you think it would have more authority coming from you? ..Oh, Lord!
Would you hold the tarpaulin up?
Jones! Jones, where are you?
Jones!
Are you all right?
Jones! Jones, where are you?!
Jones! Are you all right, Jones?!
- What on Earth's happening down there, Wilson? - I can't find him. - Jones!
- Jones! Answer me at once.
What's he doin' down there?
He's looking for Jones, of course...
# Singing a song for the old folks... #
Any sign? No. How long's he been gone?
Two hours and 15 minutes.
If he can cut two hours off his time.
I hope nothing's happened to him. Mr Mainwaring!
We all know he doesn't stand an earthly chance in the test tomorrow.
It's hopeless. It's a pity to lose him.
What about it, Joe? What're you all looking at me for?
We thought you might be able to help.
I can nobble greyhounds, but that's a different caper.
I can't make him run faster. I can't doctor his oats.
I...
Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
# Wishing will make it all... #
Sporting of you, Lance Corporal. Thank you, sir.
- Once an old campaigner, always an old campaigner. ..Eh, Major? - He's OLD all right. Where's your helmet?
- Nobody said nothing about a helmet. - Sergeant, give him yours.
Often that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. ..Now we won't have trouble spotting you.
- I'll give you the message, then off you go. You've 15 minutes. - Yes, sir.
Send the following ammunition at once - 50,000 rounds of .303,
33,000 of .300, 46 Mills grenades,
200 3.7 shells and 275 pull-throughs.
- Is that all, sir? - That's all.
- Right, sir. - Just a minute!
- Now, stand by. - Sir. - ..Go! - PEEP
- Oh! Ah! - Oh, he's fainting!
- Out of my way, you fools. I can't see. - Ay, ay. That was quick!
Yes, very quick...
# Good morning, good morning We've danced the whole night through
# Good morning, good morning to you
# Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late
# Good morning, good morning to you
# When the band began to play The stars were shining bright
# Now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say good night
# So, good morning, good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through
# Good morning, good morning to you
# Here we are together A couple of stayer-uppers
# Our day is done at breakfast... #
By Jove, he's showed some spirit!
# Here we are together but the best of friends must part
# So let me sing this parting song from the bottom of my heart
# Good morning, good morning
# We've danced the whole night through
# Good morning, good morning to you
# Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late
# Good morning, good morning to you
# When the band began to play the stars were shining bright
# Now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say good night
# So, good morning, good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through
# Good morning Good morning to you... #
- Well done, Jones! - The message, man, the message!
Send the following ammunition at once - 50,000 rounds of .303, comma, 33,000 rounds of .300,
46 Mills grenades, 200 3.7 shells and 275 pull-throughs.
Amazing!
If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I'd never have believed it. Neither would I.
- What was his time, Major? - 13 minutes. - Fantastic!
We don't need to worry any more about you, Jones. ..Carry on.
Well done, Jones. I'm very proud.
Just a minute. There's something fishy going on here. I mean to get to the bottom of it.
All right, sir?
Oh!!
He's gone, too.
Well, you always said his eyes were too close together, sir.
Subtitles by Carolyn Donaldson BBC Scotland 1998