1 00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:07,920 # Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 2 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:12,080 # If you think we're on the run? 3 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:17,120 # We are the boys who will stop your little game 4 00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:22,280 # We are the boys who will make you think again 5 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:27,040 # Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 6 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:30,760 # If you think old England's done? 7 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:36,800 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21 8 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:41,720 # But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun 9 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:46,320 # So, who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 10 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:49,720 # If you think old England's done? # 11 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:58,120 'All over Britain, the civilian population is digging for victory. 12 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:05,480 'Every square inch of space that can be used for growing food is under cultivation. 13 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:07,520 'Nothing is too small. 14 00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:12,360 'Every ounce of food grown at home means home security. 15 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:21,360 'Here are members of the Home Guard working on their allotment. 16 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:26,080 'What's this? They've spotted a low-flying enemy plane. 17 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,400 'A lucky escape for Jerry. 18 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:37,520 'Pigeon pie for supper for the boys of the Home Guard.' 19 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:48,800 'Here is the Reichssendung, Station Bremen and Station DXB on the 31-metre band. 20 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:53,080 'You are about to hear our news in English. 21 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:55,560 'The British Ministry of Disinformation...' 22 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,280 Wilson! 23 00:01:57,280 --> 00:02:04,160 - SWITCHES RADIO OFF - It was tuned in like that. It's the vicar's. - Good heavens! 24 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:09,320 - There must be some mistake. - And his last sermon was seditious. - Really? 25 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:15,520 Hitler across the Channel and he picks The Parting Of The Waves as a subject! 26 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:21,560 - We've a Major Regan from Area HQ visiting. - Yes, sir. - We're on coastal patrol tonight. - Yes. 27 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:28,880 We're responsible for the area Stone's Amusement Arcade to the Jolly Roger Pier. 28 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:35,480 - The pier's the weak spot. We ought to have our best man there. Who's on first? - Er... Frazer and Godfrey. 29 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:42,880 - Ah... Who's the better of the two? - Normally Godfrey, but he's got this unfortunate bladder trouble. 30 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:49,080 - Yes, that's rather risky. Jerry could invade while he had his back turned. - Quite. 31 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:55,560 - Better put Frazer in. - Right, sir. - Sir, the uniform tops are here! - Good news, Wilson. - Yes. 32 00:02:55,560 --> 00:03:00,640 - Unpack them! - I have. - You shouldn't have! ..WE should have got the pick. 33 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:05,240 - Permission to speak, sir? - Not just now. Fall the men in. 34 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:11,000 - They couldn't have come at a better time. - We won't look like partisans. 35 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:14,600 Why have you fell in? I never told you to. 36 00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:16,640 Fall in! 37 00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:21,520 - Damn! - What's the matter, sir? - I knew we should have got here first. 38 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:26,840 - Why? - They've left me one without buttons. - Look. Mine are the same. 39 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:32,000 - Platoon... - Permission to speak, sir. - Not just now, Corporal. 40 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,520 - Have none of the jackets buttons? - ALL: No, sir. 41 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:37,840 That's why I wanted to speak. 42 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:45,120 - They come separate with little ring things that hold them in. - This won't stop us. We've buttons at home. 43 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:49,200 This should bring out the best in our womenfolk. 44 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:55,560 I want you back in 45 minutes, by which time I expect to have things buttoned up. 45 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:58,520 Nice little joke, sir. Very good. 46 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:03,920 # If ever a heart was in the right place... # 47 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:08,960 - Platoon ready for inspection, sir. - Thank you, Corporal. - Squad, 'shun! 48 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:14,400 - Wait a minute. I wasn't quite ready. - Stand at ease! Squad, 'shun! 49 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:21,120 - I wasn't quite ready. - All right, all right. 50 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:26,000 - Soldiers - that's what they look like. - That's right, sir. - Soldiers. 51 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:34,760 - What's that cap badge, Walker? - 1/6d, sir. - What? - You want to kit out the whole mob, it'll cost 14 bob a dozen. 52 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:42,120 - What regiment is it?! - Anything you like - Coldstream Guards, Grenadier Guards... - Don't you understand? 53 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:49,400 - To wear a badge you're not entitled to is an offence. - No. Bit of a liberty, yeah. - Walker, take it off. 54 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:51,920 It's off my old patrol coat, sir. 55 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:56,560 I huvnae worn it since Jutland and the moths got at it. 56 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,400 Lucky you didn't get woodworm, too. 57 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:03,440 Those are rather flamboyant, aren't they, Godfrey? 58 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:08,360 My dress studs, sir. All I could manage at the spur of the moment. 59 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:11,120 I'm afraid the diamonds aren't real. 60 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:14,320 Platoon, stand at ease! 61 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:21,680 Men, I'm sure you'll agree this is a great moment - a great step forward towards fighting efficiency. 62 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:26,200 And it couldn't have come at a more appropriate time. 63 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:32,240 Tonight, we are responsible for a very vulnerable stretch of our beloved land, 64 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:36,200 from Stone's Amusement Arcade to the Jolly Roger Pier. 65 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:43,960 There's 15 minutes before we move off to our guard post - the Novelty Rock Emporium. 66 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:50,120 - The time can be spent in smartening up and checking our weapons. ..Corporal. - Sir. - Fall the men out. 67 00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:54,760 - I think we'd better check our own equipment. - I quite agree. 68 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:59,240 - Sir, I'll bring them bangers in in a minute. - Thank you. 69 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:03,320 - What have we got here, sir? - Now, then... 70 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:07,080 Knife...cosh...knuckle-duster... 71 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:09,600 bicycle chain... 72 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,000 ..sandwiches... 73 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:20,000 You keep them on, you hear?! Mum, it's a silly colour! Rubbish. Mr Mainwaring won't mind. 74 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,440 He doesn't look silly, does he? 75 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:24,680 Well... Ahem... 76 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:28,800 The colour IS a little startling. 77 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:33,240 He must have something to keep him warm on coast watch. 78 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:39,680 - I made them for the Bunny Babes dancing display. They make lovely Balaclava helmets. - Lovely. 79 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:44,280 I AM glad you think so. I brought one for you. 80 00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:48,400 - It'll suit you. - Please! - And one for you. - What? 81 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:53,600 No, it's very kind, Mrs Pike, but the ears won't go under my helmet. 82 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:58,640 - Don't be silly. I'm going to cut the ears off. Try this on. - No, really! 83 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:03,440 - Arthur, put your ears on! - Must I? It's rather embarrassing. 84 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:09,800 - I don't want more of your chest trouble. Last time, you were awake all night coughing. - All right. 85 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:14,120 I'll try it on. It's really appalling, all this. 86 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:16,600 I'll just snip those ears off. 87 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:22,520 I can't see what I'm doing up there. All get down a bit. ..That's better. 88 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:27,640 - Major Regan, sir, from Area Headquarters... - Good eve... 89 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:33,680 Good evening, sir. She was just about to cut our ears off. 90 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:39,720 - Well, I really made them for the Bunny Babes. - She thought they'd make good Balaclava helmets. 91 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:43,760 - Pink? With ears on?! - I'll just run along. 92 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:48,240 I'll away and get into my Winnie The Pooh outfit. 93 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:56,240 I'm sure they're all very cosy, but pantomime clothes are not very good for discipline. 94 00:07:56,240 --> 00:08:00,080 Nothing wrong with the discipline here, sir... 95 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,960 Mr Mainwaring, sorry, I nearly forgot. ..There you go. 96 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,720 Half a dozen eggs, milk chocolate. 97 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:11,000 Sergeant, there's your fags. I'll settle up later. 98 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:17,520 - Haven't you forgotten something? - I'll take your order later. - Salute your commanding officer! - Sorry. 99 00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:19,920 Sorry about that... 100 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:26,720 Mainwaring, what's going on here? 101 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:29,800 Here we are - 6lb of best sausages. 102 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:36,440 There's enough for the whole troop to have a nice fry-up at about two o'clock in the morning. 103 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:41,200 - Rank, man! - I beg your pardon, they were fresh this morn...! 104 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:49,120 Perhaps you can explain, Captain? 105 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:51,520 We're going on coastal patrol. 106 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:56,280 - You look as if you're going on a party. - These help keep up morale. 107 00:08:56,280 --> 00:09:01,160 The best way to keep up morale is with discipline and efficiency. 108 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:08,280 I'm appointed to inspect training and battle drill in all units in this command, starting with you. 109 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:13,360 - You're very welcome, sir. We're proud of our progress. - Indeed. 110 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:17,920 - What sort of things do you want to see? - The lot - 111 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:22,560 aiming and firing, crawling, map reading, first aid... 112 00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:26,160 Splendid. We're ready any time you like. 113 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,080 Now? 114 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:34,080 Ah... That would be a bit awkward. We're about to go on coastal patrol. 115 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:38,880 - Tomorrow morning? - Wilson and I have to open the bank at 9.30. 116 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:44,560 - What about the rest? - Jones, the butcher, sluices his slab at 8am. 117 00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:48,800 Not that he's anything on it. Old habits die hard. 118 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:53,960 - Frazer, Lock and Wiper, they've got shops, you see. - Godfrey's retired. 119 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:58,560 - You could inspect Godfrey. - It's his pension morning. - The evening? 120 00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:01,480 - Yes, why not? - At 1800 hours. 121 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:06,760 - Mm? - Six o'clock, sir. - Oh, yes. Yes. Yes, look forward to that, sir. 122 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,680 You might get quite a surprise. 123 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:12,720 I very much doubt it. 124 00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:16,720 - I think we'll have to watch him, Wilson. - Yes. 125 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,160 His eyes are too close together. 126 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:24,280 # If you need a hand in any time Or place, it's yours... # 127 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:30,720 - Everything ready? - As far as it can be. - I do hope they acquit themselves well. 128 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:38,680 - There are gaps in their training. - While you were planning the grand strategy, I've been teaching them. 129 00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:43,080 - Major Regan, sir. - Good evening, sir. Everything's ready. 130 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,360 No bazaar trading today? 131 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:52,080 - Would you like to start the inspection? - Before they forget their party pieces? - ..Lead the way. 132 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,720 Squad! Squad, 'shun! 133 00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:00,560 - May we carry on training? - Please do. 134 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,480 Sergeant. 135 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:07,560 What's this, current affairs? Stand up! Why aren't you in uniform? 136 00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:11,720 - I'm the caretaker. - Get out the way. This is an inspection. 137 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:15,520 These men are studying aircraft recognition. 138 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:22,200 - Try them out. - Do all the men learn it? - Definitely. - And there's no set piece? ..You, boy. - Pike. 139 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:27,640 - What plane's that? - Heinkel 111, sir. - Next diagram. - That's the only one. 140 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:33,800 - What's the good of only identifying a Heinkel 111? - Usually round here it IS a Heinkel. 141 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:38,880 - We asked for more. Your people were unhelpful. - They're in short supply. 142 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:43,440 - I'm not used to being spoken to like that. - Later... 143 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:50,240 - If I tell the vicar, he'll turf you all out. - There IS a war on. - That cuts no ice. 144 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:55,720 - He's unhappy about church premises used for warlike purposes. - Later. 145 00:11:55,720 --> 00:12:00,920 - There was no need to go on at me like that. Blimp! - Don't be cheeky. 146 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:05,440 - Here we're learning map-reading. - What's this? 147 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:12,200 - A church without a steeple. - Give the map reference. - 18...604...3. It'll be Methodist, I expect. 148 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:16,920 - What's that? - A railway cutting. - That? - Water mill. - And that? 149 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:19,720 A wee speck 'o dirt. 150 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:23,760 - So it is. Not bad at all. ..You! - Yes, sir. > 151 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:26,800 What's this? 152 00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:31,880 A map. 153 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:36,080 Here, sir, we've got the first-aid section. 154 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:38,400 How do you do? 155 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:43,440 - How d'you arrest arterial bleeding? - Tourniquet at the pressure points - 156 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:45,840 here, there and there. 157 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:50,800 - What about a tourniquet round the throat? - It kills the patient. - Eh? 158 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:55,520 Better to use the thumb and relieve the pressure every few minutes. 159 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:58,280 - Was that what sir had in mind? - Yes. 160 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:02,240 These men are practising unarmed combat. 161 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:06,760 He wouldn't come at you like that. Like that! ..Aaggh! 162 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:08,800 CRASH 163 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:15,000 - That was a liberty. You're lucky I didn't put the boot in. - Coming along nicely. 164 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:21,360 - You didn't have to do that. - My men are keen. If you value your life, don't trifle with them. 165 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:26,880 - Will I fall the men in for a more formal inspection? - Yes, please do. 166 00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:30,640 Fall in, three ranks, quick as you can. 167 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:36,560 - Bearing Jones in mind, go easy on the drill. - Right. ..At ease. 168 00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,880 Squad, 'shun! 169 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,200 Slope arms! 170 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:45,880 ALL: One, two, three. One, two, three. One. 171 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:52,120 - They were together. How did you manage that? - They're all taking Jones's time. 172 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:57,080 I suppose you're wondering why I'm here. 173 00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:02,120 The Home Guard has got to be made into an efficient fighting unit. 174 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:06,800 No room for mummy's darlings, slackers, spivs or elderly gents. 175 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,960 - How old are you? - 58... 59... 60. 176 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,240 House! 177 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:18,560 Sixty, eh? You've got a lot of medal ribbons. What are they? I don't recognise them. 178 00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:25,200 Bit before your time, I expect. I'll show you. Do you mind holding that, sir? 179 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:30,120 There we are - one, two, three, four, five, six general service medals. 180 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:34,440 Seven - that's the Egyptian Campaign, 1884 to '85. 181 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:38,000 And eight - that's the Cadif Star, sir. 182 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:42,760 - What's number nine for? - Trying to relieve General Gordon, sir. 183 00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:47,800 - You must have been very young. - Well, I didn't have my stripe. 184 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,480 - Hardly surprising. You'd be six. - Oh. 185 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:56,640 I might have dropped a year or two, but I'm fit. I can still get the cold steel in there. 186 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,600 See? 187 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:02,880 Ha! ..Oh, ain't got it. Oh, you've got it, sir. ..Thank you. 188 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:08,480 - I don't suppose you've fired it? - BANG! I have now, sir. 189 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:14,040 Well, let's see some of this fighting spirit. Order arms! 190 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:17,880 ALL: One, two, three. One, two, three. One. 191 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:20,040 Fix bayonets! 192 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,680 I think they gave me the wrong one. 193 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:33,000 - Mind where you point that! - Sorry. 194 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:37,160 - He's a shambles. - I think you're making him nervous. 195 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:44,040 I don't like nervous soldiers. ..Right. Let's see how good you are at bayonet fighting. 196 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:51,600 - Frazer, Walker, Pike, over here. - No, I want to see you two and you. - Yes, sir. 197 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:56,280 - Do you see that target? - Yes. - CHARGE! 198 00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:59,480 Oooh... 199 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:04,920 - Not bad, Godfrey. - Fine when you're fighting bags of straw. 200 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:09,080 But I want to see more GUTS. ..You, CHARGE! 201 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:13,800 Ya-a-a-a-a agggghhhh ya-a-h-h-h, ya bastard Nazi! 202 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:21,000 - I'm sorry, sir, I swore. - You thought you were doing that to a Nazi, eh? 203 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:24,880 Oh, no, sir. Just to somebody I don't like. 204 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:31,280 - Corporal, that's a Nazi. See what you can do to him. - Yes, sir. 205 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:37,720 You dirty heathen swine. You looters, rapers, ravishers, despoilers of womanhood. 206 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,080 - Wahh-h-h... - Charge. 207 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:44,040 Me glasses have got a bit steamed up, sir. 208 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:49,040 - Care to see some grenade drill, sir? - No, thank you. 209 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:56,240 - And the rules of aiming? - Tip of the blade of foresight in the centre of the rear sight, in line with target! 210 00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:58,720 - Good! - Well done, Pike. 211 00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:03,640 - You, what are the rules of aiming? - He just told you, sir. - YOU tell me. 212 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:08,080 Keep... K-Keep the foresight... i-in line with the... 213 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:12,880 - No, that's not it. Keep the... - I've heard all I want to hear. 214 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:18,160 - Mainwaring... - And keep the... - Carry on. - That's very rude! I was talking. 215 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:25,040 - That man is making your platoon look ridiculous. - He's keen - a good example to the youngsters. 216 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:29,600 He's a potential danger. He's not physically up to it. 217 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:34,160 - Well, I should hate to lose him. - You may have to. 218 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:40,360 - Isn't that up to us? - Not necessarily. I'll make my report to the Area Commander. 219 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:45,320 You've got a long way to go, but you've done well. Congratulations. 220 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:48,400 - Good show. - Thank you very much, sir. 221 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:56,440 # There'll always be an England While there's a country lane... # 222 00:17:56,440 --> 00:18:00,920 There's no doubt - we acquitted ourselves magnificently. 223 00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:04,560 I must say, I was really awfully pleased. 224 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:09,720 No one man can take the credit, but it makes my hard work worthwhile. 225 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:17,040 - I can't help wondering who was the most surprised, Major Regan or you. - Why do you always spoil everything? 226 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,640 You can go. 227 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,040 Rotten bastard! 228 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,840 - I beg your pardon? - The swine! 229 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:29,600 We've had our differences, but please don't use beastly language. 230 00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:33,480 - Listen to this. - What's that? - From GHQ. 231 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:38,360 "In view of the fact Lance Corporal Jones' records show he is overage, 232 00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:45,640 - "we feel he should stand down." It's that Major Regan. - Yes. - He couldn't fault us for anything else. 233 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,520 Just a minute. There's more here. 234 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:55,960 "However, in view of your strong personal views and Corporal Jones having such a distinguished record, 235 00:18:55,960 --> 00:19:03,200 "Major Regan has suggested that if Jones can complete the divisional assault course in 15 minutes, 236 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:10,600 - "he should be allowed to remain with the platoon during the present period of emergency." - 15 minutes! 237 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:18,240 - That's steep. - The infantry only have ten. - He'd never do it. Regan wants him to make a fool of himself. 238 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:23,600 - Well, one of us is going to have to tell him. - Yes, sir. 239 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,040 Hello, gentlemen. 240 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:30,600 I saw you come across, so I thought I'd pop over. 241 00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:37,160 - There - 1 lb of steak for you, Mr Mainwaring. ..And 1 lb for you. - Thank you. - Thank you, Jones. 242 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:40,320 We showed him, didn't we? 243 00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:44,640 - Sit down, Jones. - Yes, sit down. - Thank you, sir. 244 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:51,080 - I'll get it. - It's all right. - No, no. Make yourself comfortable. - Thanks very much. 245 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:57,760 - I've got something to tell you. - I'm getting my second stripe? - Well, not exactly... 246 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:03,760 I've had a letter from GHQ and they feel that... 247 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,800 - Well, the fact is... - Yes, sir? 248 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,840 They feel that you're overage. 249 00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:12,760 Overage? 250 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:15,280 I'm only 70! 251 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:20,920 That's just the point. They feel that 70 IS overage. 252 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:25,840 That's not fair. I can do anything the other blokes can do. 253 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:28,680 I bet it's that snooty major. 254 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:33,440 I only wish I had him registered with me for meat. 255 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:40,880 He'd get it, but I'd cut it off of gristle. I do that sometimes, you know, when I don't like 'em. 256 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:46,440 I sit at me Sunday lunch thinking of them chewing the gristle. 257 00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:50,440 I'm sorry, Jones. They want you to stand down. 258 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,520 ..Stand down? 259 00:20:56,120 --> 00:21:01,440 - There must be something we can do. - What about the test? - I don't know. 260 00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:09,200 - What test is that? - To go over the assault course in 15 minutes. - Ah-ha! That'd be a bit of cake. 261 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:15,720 - I really don't think you could manage it. - Of course I'll manage it. I'll show 'em! 262 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:22,400 I tell you what, sir, after parade tonight, we'll go down the assault course. 263 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:28,920 I'll go through that assault course just like a dose of... We'll show 'em, sir. 264 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:33,240 They don't call me Up 'Em Jones for nothing. 265 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:38,120 # Singing a song For the old folks... # 266 00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:46,200 - 15 minutes. - Stopwatch at the ready. - Do better with a grandfather clock. I heard that! 267 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:53,400 - Sergeant Wilson and I'll accompany you round the course. - Sir. - But before you start, here's a message. 268 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:59,440 - I can only give it to you once and you've to repeat it to us when you return. - Yes, sir. 269 00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:05,920 - The enemy's on the run. Send reinforcements. I am going to advance. - Advance. - Got it? - Yes, sir. 270 00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:08,480 All right. Stand by. 271 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:12,800 - PEEP-PEEP - Off you go. - Ahhhh! 272 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,400 Oh... 273 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:21,080 - Come on - give him a hand. - Help him up. 274 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:23,480 Wait a minute. ..Hup! 275 00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:30,320 Up he goes. He CAN'T get up. He's stuck. He's got his boot in Walker's pocket. 276 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:34,720 - Don't just stand there! - Go on. Get up there! 277 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,360 Up you go. Well done. 278 00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:44,840 - Well done, Jones. Very good. - Oh, he's left his rifle. - Oh, Lord! - Jones, you left your rifle behind! 279 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,360 Do you hear me?! Jones! Jones! 280 00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:52,320 YOU LEFT YOUR... 281 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:52,320 - rifle behind. - Sorry, sir. 282 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:56,880 - Right, sir. ..Agghhh! - We'll take that as done. 283 00:22:56,880 --> 00:23:02,160 - Come on, quickly. - Round here. A lovely piece of tarpaulin here. 284 00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:07,080 - Quick as you can. - On you go, Jones. - Right, sir. - Underneath, quick! 285 00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:09,560 - Get a move on. - Quick as you can. 286 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:14,760 - Do you think he should do this, sir, at his time of life? - He's all right. 287 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,960 Keep going, Jones. 288 00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:20,960 Keep it up, Jones. 289 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:23,280 All right, Jones? 290 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:31,840 Where is he? ..Just a minute. Lance Corporal Jones, are you there? 291 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:36,560 - He's disappeared, sir. - He can't have disappeared! - He has. 292 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:43,040 - Go in and find him. - Don't you think it would have more authority coming from you? ..Oh, Lord! 293 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,560 Would you hold the tarpaulin up? 294 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:48,920 Jones! Jones, where are you? 295 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,480 Jones! 296 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:52,920 Are you all right? 297 00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:56,120 Jones! Jones, where are you?! 298 00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:59,240 Jones! Are you all right, Jones?! 299 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:05,280 - What on Earth's happening down there, Wilson? - I can't find him. - Jones! 300 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:10,040 - Jones! - Jones! Answer me at once. 301 00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:10,040 What's he doin' down there? 302 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:12,760 He's looking for Jones, of course... 303 00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:17,840 # Singing a song for the old folks... # 304 00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:22,240 Any sign? No. How long's he been gone? 305 00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:24,720 Two hours and 15 minutes. 306 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:27,560 If he can cut two hours off his time. 307 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:32,520 I hope nothing's happened to him. Mr Mainwaring! 308 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:37,600 We all know he doesn't stand an earthly chance in the test tomorrow. 309 00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:41,360 It's hopeless. It's a pity to lose him. 310 00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:45,400 What about it, Joe? What're you all looking at me for? 311 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:48,280 We thought you might be able to help. 312 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:52,600 I can nobble greyhounds, but that's a different caper. 313 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:57,520 I can't make him run faster. I can't doctor his oats. 314 00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:59,160 I... 315 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:02,240 Wait a minute. I've got an idea. 316 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:06,960 # Wishing will make it all... # 317 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:11,240 Sporting of you, Lance Corporal. Thank you, sir. 318 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:18,360 - Once an old campaigner, always an old campaigner. ..Eh, Major? - He's OLD all right. Where's your helmet? 319 00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:23,320 - Nobody said nothing about a helmet. - Sergeant, give him yours. 320 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:30,400 Often that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. ..Now we won't have trouble spotting you. 321 00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:36,040 - I'll give you the message, then off you go. You've 15 minutes. - Yes, sir. 322 00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:42,000 Send the following ammunition at once - 50,000 rounds of .303, 323 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:45,600 33,000 of .300, 46 Mills grenades, 324 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:51,000 200 3.7 shells and 275 pull-throughs. 325 00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:53,560 - Is that all, sir? - That's all. 326 00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:56,120 - Right, sir. - Just a minute! 327 00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:59,720 - Now, stand by. - Sir. - ..Go! - PEEP 328 00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:04,040 - Oh! Ah! - Oh, he's fainting! 329 00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:18,440 - Out of my way, you fools. I can't see. - Ay, ay. That was quick! 330 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:21,160 Yes, very quick... 331 00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:26,640 # Good morning, good morning We've danced the whole night through 332 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:29,840 # Good morning, good morning to you 333 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:35,560 # Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late 334 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:38,480 # Good morning, good morning to you 335 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:43,320 # When the band began to play The stars were shining bright 336 00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:48,360 # Now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say good night 337 00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:53,240 # So, good morning, good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through 338 00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:55,840 # Good morning, good morning to you 339 00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:03,880 # Here we are together A couple of stayer-uppers 340 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:06,360 # Our day is done at breakfast... # 341 00:27:06,360 --> 00:27:08,880 By Jove, he's showed some spirit! 342 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:13,640 # Here we are together but the best of friends must part 343 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:19,120 # So let me sing this parting song from the bottom of my heart 344 00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:22,200 # Good morning, good morning 345 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,720 # We've danced the whole night through 346 00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:28,360 # Good morning, good morning to you 347 00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:33,680 # Good morning, good morning It's great to stay up late 348 00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:36,720 # Good morning, good morning to you 349 00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:43,760 # When the band began to play the stars were shining bright 350 00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:48,440 # Now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say good night 351 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:53,560 # So, good morning, good morning Sunbeams will soon smile through 352 00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:58,720 # Good morning Good morning to you... # 353 00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:03,600 - Well done, Jones! - The message, man, the message! 354 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:11,000 Send the following ammunition at once - 50,000 rounds of .303, comma, 33,000 rounds of .300, 355 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:15,640 46 Mills grenades, 200 3.7 shells and 275 pull-throughs. 356 00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:17,160 Amazing! 357 00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:23,200 If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I'd never have believed it. Neither would I. 358 00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:27,840 - What was his time, Major? - 13 minutes. - Fantastic! 359 00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:32,720 We don't need to worry any more about you, Jones. ..Carry on. 360 00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:35,680 Well done, Jones. I'm very proud. 361 00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:42,000 Just a minute. There's something fishy going on here. I mean to get to the bottom of it. 362 00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:48,840 All right, sir? 363 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:52,200 Oh!! 364 00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:55,480 He's gone, too. 365 00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:59,520 Well, you always said his eyes were too close together, sir. 366 00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:49,600 Subtitles by Carolyn Donaldson BBC Scotland 1998