1
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:08,000
# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:12,000
# If you think we're on the run?

3
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:18,000
# We are the boys who will stop your little game

4
00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:23,000
# We are the boys who will make you think again

5
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:28,000
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

6
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:33,000
# If you think old England's done?

7
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:38,000
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

8
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:42,000
# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

9
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:47,000
# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

10
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:52,000
# If you think old England's done? #

11
00:00:56,000 --> 00:01:01,000
'..the enemy is throwing everything he's got into the fray.

12
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:08,000
'Britain's Home Guard, jeeringly referred to as "the broomstick army" by Dr Goebbels, is now fully armed.

13
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:17,000
'And if Mr Hitler DOES put his foot on our doorstep,

14
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:21,000
'the so-called broomstick army will make a clean sweep of him!

15
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,000
HE WHISTLES

16
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:52,000
'Every moment of spare time away from their civilian jobs is taken up with this one thought...

17
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:57,000
'In the words of Herbert Morrison, "Go to it!"

18
00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:01,000
'Loss of sleep is no obstacle to these men.

19
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:08,000
'After being up all night on manoeuvres, they go straight to their offices and factories.'

20
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,000
See ya tonight!

21
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,000
Ah-ha! Just as I thought. KNOCK ON DOOR

22
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,000
Come in.

23
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,000
Ah!

24
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:27,000
Wilson! Yes, sir? Remember what I tell the men about advancing in extended order?

25
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:30,000
Yes. Now, if I fire this gun,

26
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:35,000
it knocks down the first man and he knocks all the rest down. Yes.

27
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:41,000
If that was a machine gun, the whole platoon would be mown down. Yes. Now watch.

28
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:43,000
Oh.

29
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,000
You get the general idea?

30
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:49,000
Here are the weekly orders from GHQ, sir.

31
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:52,000
Your copy. Thank you.

32
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:58,000
I'll put it over with my map case, then it won't get misplaced. Yes.

33
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:10,000
Are you all right? Perfectly all right, thank you. Oh.

34
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,000
What do you think of that, eh?

35
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:16,000
Very good, sir. My wife's idea. Oh? Quick draw...

36
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:22,000
Very good. But isn't it a bit unorthodox?

37
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:27,000
Wilson, you have a Blimp mentality. Of course it's unorthodox.

38
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:32,000
You can't get into a rut. You've got to be flexible. Yes, sir.

39
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:37,000
Where's my coffee? I like it at 10.30 every morning! I'll go...

40
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:43,000
It's no good. I'll have to take this thing off.

41
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:46,000
I can't sit comfortably.

42
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:52,000
Better keep it handy, though. Oh, I quite agree, sir.

43
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:58,000
Now, will we have a good turnout for target practice on Saturday? I hope so.

44
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:01,000
I was ashamed of our shooting last week.

45
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:06,000
Some of them didn't do too badly. How could they possibly mistake

46
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:11,000
the tyres on the area commander's car for the target?

47
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:15,000
All four?! Five. They got the spare as well.

48
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:20,000
He parked too near! Ask Miss King to bring in my coffee, please.

49
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:26,000
Yes. Miss King, would you bring in Mr Mainwaring's coffee, please?

50
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:29,000
I say. Sir? Have you read this, Wilson? No.

51
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:33,000
"The Prime Minister will inspect coastal defences.

52
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:39,000
"For security reasons, date and time will not be released until the last minute.

53
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:45,000
"You have been chosen to act as the guard of honour"! Wonderful news.

54
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:51,000
Real leadership will always be recognised. Yes.

55
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:56,000
It says that we have been chosen because we were the first platoon

56
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:59,000
to be formed in the area. That'll be all!

57
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:07,000
Pity he has no imagination. Still, I shouldn't be too harsh.

58
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:11,000
Some are born to lead, some are born to be led.

59
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:14,000
Unorthodox, indeed!

60
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,000
BANG!

61
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:33,000
During the PM's inspection of coastal defences,

62
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:37,000
we have been chosen to act as guard of honour.

63
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:39,000
Marvellous!

64
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:46,000
Now that ammunition is more plentiful, we're going to have target practice on Saturday.

65
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:48,000
Major Regan will be with us.

66
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:51,000
Thought we'd got rid of that basket!

67
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:57,000
Any man who can't attend on Saturday, take one pace forward.

68
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:08,000
Why can't you come, Walker? I've got me stall on the market on Saturdays.

69
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:11,000
Pike? I'm playing football, sir.

70
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,000
Frazer? Fishin'.

71
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:19,000
You were fishing LAST Saturday. Didnae catch anything.

72
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:23,000
How about you, Godfrey? Have to go to the clinic, sir.

73
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:28,000
Corporal? My dad's coming to tea.

74
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:38,000
I don't like this, men. This is the first time you've shown anything but 100% keenness.

75
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:43,000
Let me assure you that Major Regan has our best interests at heart.

76
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:46,000
Permission to speak, sir! Yes?

77
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:52,000
He ain't got MY best interests at heart... That's enough. He said... Quiet!

78
00:06:54,000 --> 00:07:01,000
I intend to ignore what has just happened. I shall expect a full turnout on Saturday. Understood?

79
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:04,000
Sir! That's better.

80
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:09,000
Fine body of men, aren't they? Yes. Awfully nice.

81
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:14,000
Platoon, atten-shun!

82
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:19,000
Very good. Very smart.

83
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:25,000
When the Prime Minister walks down your ranks, I want him to be able to say,

84
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:29,000
"Of such stuff as this are Britons made."

85
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:37,000
MUSIC: "We're Off To See The Wizard" from The Wizard Of Oz

86
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:47,000
Guards, halt! Good afternoon, Captain.

87
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,000
Afternoon, sir. Left turn!

88
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:58,000
So sorry. Would you mind just putting your rifles down...? Orders arms!

89
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:03,000
First platoon, B company Home Guard reporting for target practice, sir.

90
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:09,000
Stand them at ease, Sergeant. At ease! Stand...eh...easy.

91
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:17,000
Four men will go to look after the targets. All right? Yes. Carry on, Sergeant. Fall out the markers.

92
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,000
Follow me.

93
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,000
Squad, 'shun!

94
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:29,000
For inspection, port arms!

95
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,000
All right, sir? Your thumb, man.

96
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:41,000
Sorry? Where is your thumb?!

97
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:48,000
When you port arms for inspection, you put your thumb like that.

98
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,000
Owwww! All right, sir?

99
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:54,000
# Home, home on the range... #

100
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:58,000
PHONE RINGS All right, all right, I'm coming!

101
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:03,000
Lance Corporal Jones, here.

102
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:09,000
Ready to start firing, Jonesey? Yes. Bye-bye, Mr Wilson! Bye-bye, Jonesey!

103
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:13,000
They're gonna start firing.

104
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:16,000
Pikey, get hold of that flag.

105
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:18,000
Every time you hear a shot, wave it.

106
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:21,000
What's that mean? They've missed!

107
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:27,000
If we don't look at the target, how do we know? They'll miss!

108
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:32,000
I'm going to fire a few rounds so that you'll get the idea.

109
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:37,000
All right. Blow the whistle. WHISTLE BLOWS

110
00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,000
Someone shot the top off me flag!

111
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,000
They must be improving!

112
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:08,000
PHONE RINGS

113
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:13,000
Lance Corporal Jones. What's going on? I've never missed a target!

114
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:18,000
Sorry, sir. Is that YOU firing? Of course. I'm coming down.

115
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,000
Yes, sir. ..Hey-up, he's coming down.

116
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:28,000
That was the major firing. Will I get into trouble? Nah! We'll say it was Jonesey!

117
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:34,000
What are we gonna do? Don't panic! Don't panic! We're not panicking!

118
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:38,000
What's going on? Get that target down. Sir!

119
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:43,000
Corporal, what does that look like?

120
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:48,000
A hole, sir. And you? Oh, yeah. Definitely holes.

121
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,000
THEY ALL AGREE

122
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:54,000
Captain? I'd say they were holes.

123
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,000
I'm glad you cleared that up.

124
00:10:56,000 --> 00:11:01,000
Now, listen, you lot. Get a hold of yourself! You're SLOPPY!

125
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:04,000
Look at this place. Tidy it up.

126
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:10,000
Get a grip of yourselves. Come along. For heaven's sake... At the double!

127
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:16,000
How were we to know that he'd be first to do the firing?

128
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:21,000
That major's a crack shot. He shot at Bisley. Did he kill him?

129
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:27,000
No. He did it to frighten him(!) PHONE RINGS

130
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:32,000
Jack Jones the butcher. I mean...Lance Corporal Jones.

131
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:37,000
'Are you ready down there?' Yes, sir. Ready, madam... Uh...sir!

132
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:41,000
We've got to do it properly this time. OK!

133
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,000
Next!

134
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,000
Next. Well done, Godfrey.

135
00:11:55,000 --> 00:12:02,000
A seasoned man, sir. You've each fired five rounds and the results are sloppy.

136
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:08,000
I'm sure Captain Mainwaring and Sgt Wilson want to fire a few shots.

137
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:13,000
No, no. That's quite all right, sir. Come now! Don't be modest.

138
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:18,000
That's a pretty holster you're wearing. Why is it so low down?

139
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:21,000
Makes him quicker on the draw, sir.

140
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:29,000
You've been watching too many cowboy films. When did you last fire it? I haven't. Not intentionally.

141
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:36,000
No time like the present. Wilson, tell them to put the dummy up. Put the dummy up.

142
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,000
Yeah. Righto. Wilco.

143
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:46,000
They want you to put the dummy up. Mr Mainwaring's gonna fire. Dummy up...

144
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:49,000
You haul it up.

145
00:12:53,000 --> 00:13:00,000
Ready, Captain? Raise your revolver slowly, keeping your arm straight and squeeze the trigger.

146
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,000
I haven't told you to fire it yet!

147
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:08,000
It went off, sir. I didn't realise it had such a kick.

148
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:14,000
Of course it has. It's not a water pistol. What are YOU smiling at? You're next.

149
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:18,000
Five rounds...rapid...fire!

150
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:28,000
Was I on the target, sir? You didn't get it on the bloody range!

151
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:33,000
Carry on, sir. See what you can do.

152
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:38,000
This Thompson sub-machine-gun will be issued to your platoon shortly.

153
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:43,000
You can fire it from the shoulder or from the hip. Start with the hip.

154
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:48,000
All right, Sergeant? Yes. Grip it like that. Yes.

155
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:53,000
Pistol grip, that's right. Tell them to take the dummy down. Dummy down!

156
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:56,000
Nice, firm grip. Yes.

157
00:13:56,000 --> 00:14:00,000
Left elbow well into your side. Now cock it.

158
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:05,000
Take your right hand off the grip and pull back the bolt. Yes. Go on!

159
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,000
Terribly stiff, isn't it?

160
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:11,000
Now it's ready to fire.

161
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:17,000
These guns tend to pull to the right and up, so I'll brace myself against you

162
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,000
to, sort of, keep you firm. Yes.

163
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:27,000
Another thing, half-empty cartridges spew out all over the place, so watch your face. Oh?

164
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,000
Got all that? Yes.

165
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:32,000
Stand by. Standing by. FIRE!

166
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,000
RAPID GUNFIRE

167
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,000
It's all right now. It's all over.

168
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,000
Sergeant!

169
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:45,000
Exciting, wasn't it? If you like that sort of thing.

170
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:49,000
No need to snatch it like that. Don't snatch!

171
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:54,000
I'll show you. Tell them to put up the dummy. Put up the dummy!

172
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,000
Yes, right, sir.

173
00:14:56,000 --> 00:15:03,000
I wish they'd make up their minds. Stick it up, stick it down! Get the dummy.

174
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,000
Come on.

175
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,000
GUNFIRE

176
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,000
Oh, blimey! Jonesey!

177
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:18,000
Are you all right, mate?

178
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:25,000
Blimey! Talk about, "Tear round the dotted line"!

179
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,000
Hello, Mrs Pike. Hello, Jonesey.

180
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:40,000
Just what the doctor ordered, that is. Get stuck in, lads.

181
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:45,000
Where's Arthur and Mr Mainwaring? They're coming now, Mum.

182
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:48,000
Don't start till they get here!

183
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:51,000
Lord! What's the matter?

184
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:55,000
Al Capone here has had a shattering experience.

185
00:15:55,000 --> 00:16:01,000
What unnerved me most, if you don't mind my saying, was your imitation of Billy the Kid.

186
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:05,000
Never mind, Arthur, have one of my rock cakes.

187
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:12,000
Don't worry about the men not being able to shoot right, as long as they can fix bayonets and charge.

188
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:19,000
The Hun doesn't like it up him. As soon as you get the cold steel... Yes, quite.

189
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:23,000
Your fighting spirit is an example to us all.

190
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:30,000
I'm not worried about myself, but after this afternoon's tebacle, the men's moroll is shattered.

191
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:36,000
If the "moroll" is as firm as Mrs Pike's rock cakes, we're fine. ..Sorry!

192
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:45,000
I think it's only fair to say that our shooting today wouldn't have killed many Nazis.

193
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:50,000
On the other hand, it would have made them keep their heads down!

194
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:53,000
All we need is more practice.

195
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:59,000
Then, if Hitler comes knocking, he'll find us very much at home. KNOCKING

196
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,000
See who that is, Corporal.

197
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:12,000
Mainwaring, I want to talk to you. Over here. On the double!

198
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:18,000
Don't you salute a superior officer in the Home Guard? Yes, sir.

199
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:28,000
You can forget about being guard of honour for the PM's visit.

200
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:33,000
I told the area commander what a sloppy lot you are.

201
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:38,000
I protest... You're getting a second chance.

202
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:43,000
Tomorrow there will be a shooting contest. Pick your three best shots.

203
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:48,000
Have them on the range tomorrow at 13.00 hours. Any questions?

204
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:52,000
Eh...just one, sir. (13.00 hours?) One o'clock.

205
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,000
No questions. Right. Carry on.

206
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:04,000
We can't be ready by tomorrow! It's only against three best shots.

207
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:09,000
Pike's the only one who's got any idea. Frazer says he can manage.

208
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:14,000
We haven't even seen him shoot. It IS a bit grim. Hopeless!

209
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:21,000
There isn't even any tea left. Would you like me to make some fresh? No, thank you.

210
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:26,000
You two look as if you've been stuck against a wall to be shot!

211
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:29,000
If our platoon were shooting, they'd be fine!

212
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:32,000
That's not amusing.

213
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:39,000
I've got an idea. I normally go down the Hippodrome on a Saturday night - little orders for the artists.

214
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,000
Why don't we all make up a party?

215
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:47,000
I can do my bit of business in the interval. Lovely!

216
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:54,000
Charlie Cheeseman's top of the bill. I love him! He makes me laugh. What about you, Arthur?

217
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,000
Mmm.

218
00:18:56,000 --> 00:19:01,000
He'd make you laugh, Arthur. And you. He'll make you laugh your heads off!

219
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:05,000
'A big woman, my wife. Big woman.'

220
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:11,000
She weighs 18 stone. That's with her eyebrows plucked and her ears pierced.

221
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:16,000
I have to put a bookmark in to remember where her mouth is!

222
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:22,000
'We were having our supper. Nice bit of cod, plenty of chips.'

223
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:26,000
All of a sudden, Lord Haw-Haw comes on the wireless.

224
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:31,000
He said, "This is Germany calling. Everyone in England is starving."

225
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:35,000
I looked at the wife. "Somebody's telling a lie!"

226
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:46,000
Now a little number entitled, "I can't get over a girl like you,

227
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:50,000
"so turn out the lights yourself"! Thank you!

228
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:57,000
Isn't he a scream? Y-Yes. Don't YOU think he's a scream, Mr Mainwaring?

229
00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:00,000
Yes. A perfect scream(!)

230
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:06,000
You know, I love the smell of a good cigar, Joe.

231
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:12,000
I don't think this was a very good idea. No, I don't think it was. SONG ENDS

232
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APPLAUSE

233
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And now, direct from South America, the crackshot of the pampas, Miss Laura la Plaz!

234
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,000
CHEERS AND WHISTLING

235
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:05,000
I gotta nip out. See you after the interval.

236
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,000
Don't go away, darlin'.

237
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:17,000
I couldn't understand your telephone conversation! Walker has an idea to help us win today.

238
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:19,000
Bribe the major?!

239
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:25,000
Mr Mainwaring. Yes? I havenae had the chance to tell ye, but...

240
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:28,000
Morning! May I introduce Laura la Plaz!

241
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:31,000
Morning, gentlemen! Where shall I start?

242
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:35,000
Have you gone mad?!

243
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:41,000
No, no, sir. She's a ballistics expert. I can well believe it.

244
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:48,000
She knows all about it. She's gonna have a go with us on the range this afternoon.

245
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:52,000
Young woman, cover yourself up and go home.

246
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:59,000
What were you saying, Frazer? Eh? Sorry, sir. Something seems to have driven it out of my head.

247
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:05,000
I ain't going home. What about my silk stockings? All right, darlin'.

248
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:08,000
You don't understand, sir.

249
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:14,000
She's the crack shot from last night. She's gonna shoot for us.

250
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:20,000
We'll never get away with this. It's dishonest! We'll make her look like a soldier.

251
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:28,000
We'd never get away with it. I agree. We'll be court-martialled. Yes. I never even liked the act.

252
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,000
Don't keep staring at the girl.

253
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:35,000
Excuse me, gentlemen.

254
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:39,000
Try on the boots. All right.

255
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:45,000
Ain't you got anything smaller?

256
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:48,000
No. That's all we've got.

257
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:54,000
What about her barnet? Don't worry. I got it all worked out.

258
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:57,000
Tuck it up. There you go.

259
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,000
There. Right up.

260
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:03,000
What about that, sir?

261
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:04,000
Ridiculous!

262
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:09,000
She still looks like a girl to me! How would YOU remember?

263
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:13,000
Anyway, we're not finished yet.

264
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:16,000
Grab hold of that, darlin'.

265
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:21,000
Where did you get the 'tache from? You wanna know everything!

266
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,000
How's that? Transformation!

267
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,000
Squad, 'shun!

268
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:31,000
Stick your chest out.

269
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:41,000
I don't think it's gonna work. Don't get disheartened too soon. Right turn!

270
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:46,000
By the left, quick march!

271
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:49,000
Left! Left, right, left!

272
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:54,000
Take those ridiculous clothes off and... Good morning, Captain.

273
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,000
Ready for this afternoon's shoot?

274
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,000
My God! What's that?

275
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:06,000
A new recruit, sir. He's gonna shoot for us.

276
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:16,000
A bit puny! How can he shoot with those pebble glasses on?

277
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:22,000
He's very long-sighted. He takes them off to shoot. What's his name? What's his name?

278
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:27,000
Eh...Padaruski. Can't he speak for himself?

279
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:32,000
He's Polish! Polish cavalry. He's so short because he was a jockey.

280
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:35,000
Glad to have you with us.

281
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:46,000
Mainwaring, did you see that diamond ring?

282
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:49,000
He's a bit pansy, isn't he?

283
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:53,000
I haven't known him very long, sir.

284
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:56,000
I see. Watch him.

285
00:24:56,000 --> 00:25:03,000
I shall be there to see that everything is above board this afternoon.

286
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:10,000
Should be an interesting afternoon!

287
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,000
Very.

288
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:25,000
Well done. Well done, Pike.

289
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:28,000
One more to go.

290
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:36,000
What did you do that for? I saw Gary Cooper do it in a film.

291
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:40,000
I saw that. It worked well for Gary Cooper.

292
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:42,000
BANG!

293
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:46,000
Hasn't worked awfully well for Pike(!)

294
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,000
Let's see what number two can do.

295
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:51,000
Right. Private...eh...Shostakovich.

296
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:58,000
I thought you said his name was Padaruski? What? ..Oh, yes. Padaruski Shostakovich.

297
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:01,000
Poles have very long names. Carry on.

298
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:06,000
Bull!

299
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:09,000
What are you doing?!

300
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:17,000
Can I have my mirror? No! Hurry up!

301
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:27,000
BANG!

302
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:36,000
MAJOR: Not so good. That puts you four points down. Next man.

303
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:39,000
Frazer. Aye, sir.

304
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:46,000
What's the matter? You're supposed to be a crack shot. We should have had clay pipes for targets(!)

305
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:50,000
The first was a bull. Cos it was normal.

306
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,000
"Normal"? My routine. One normal...

307
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:58,000
one upside down, one between me legs and one with a mirror.

308
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:04,000
Why can't you do it lying down? I can't get near enough to the ground, can I?

309
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:08,000
Mr Mainwaring! Mr Frazer got two bulls!

310
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,000
Bullseye!

311
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:22,000
Steady. Steady, Frazer. It's all right, sir. I was in minesweepers during the war.

312
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:25,000
I used to pick off the mines.

313
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:27,000
MAJOR: Bullseye!

314
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:32,000
What are you waving it about like that for?

315
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:37,000
It's the only way I can shoot, sir. This is the motion of the sea.

316
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:43,000
Do it any way you like, but remember, we only need one more bull to win.

317
00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:47,000
Bull!

318
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:49,000
CHEERING

319
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:57,000
You never told us you were a crack shot. You never asked me.

320
00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:05,000
You stood there while we tried to make that girl look like a man and never said anything?!

321
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:12,000
Well, when the lassie began to take her clothes off, the words stuck in my throat!

322
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:20,000
First platoon B Company Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard,

323
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,000
present...arms!

324
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:33,000
# There'll always be an England... #

325
00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:17,000
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

326
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:43,000
To break someone physically... MAN YELLS

327
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:45,000
..is not a problem.

328
00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:49,000
But we will see how you are strong psychologically.

329
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:52,000
# Everybody hurts... #