1 00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:07,520 # Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 2 00:00:07,520 --> 00:00:12,360 # If you think we're on the run? 3 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:17,200 # We are the boys who will stop your little game 4 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:22,080 # We are the boys who will make you think again 5 00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:26,880 # Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 6 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:30,960 # If you think old England's done? 7 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:36,640 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21 8 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:41,640 # But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun 9 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:46,400 # So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 10 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:51,000 # If you think old England's done? # 11 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:59,720 Before dismissal, Captain Mainwaring asked me to bring your attention to an item in yesterday's paper 12 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:06,920 about a member of the Home Guard in the Midlands was fined £5, for being drunk in charge of his rifle. 13 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:09,200 - Permission to speak? - Yes? 14 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:16,120 I'm sure you do not believe that one of us would behave in a like manner. It's a slurge on our integrity. 15 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:21,360 No offence was intended. I think the Captain just wanted it drawn 16 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:25,280 to your attention, so that we might all benefit from the lesson. 17 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:27,880 - What lesson? - Don't take your gun to a party! 18 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:35,200 If the captain wants to insult us he should do it to our faces. 19 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:41,200 All right, I'm sure Captain Mainwaring didn't intend to offend any of you. 20 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:45,600 - Where is he, then? - He's here. - Doing what - hiding? 21 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:49,920 - Yes, I suppose he is! - It's not surprising! Calling us drunks! 22 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:52,920 My mum won't allow me to drink. 23 00:01:52,920 --> 00:02:00,360 I take an occasional drink, but calling us drunks is a bit of a liberty. 24 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:04,560 All right, all right. Captain Mainwaring is going to give us a surprise lecture. 25 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:10,680 So when you fall out, I want you to all gather round in a little semicircle. 26 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:13,480 Is that quite clear? 27 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:16,000 Well, do that, then, will you? Fall out. 28 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,560 Fall out... Captain Mainwaring? 29 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:21,160 The men are ready, sir. 30 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:23,960 - You can announce me now. - All right. 31 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:29,720 Captain Mainwaring is going to show you something...unusual. 32 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:34,040 - Is he going to do a comic turn? - What's unusual about that(?) 33 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,760 Evening, men. 34 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:43,480 - You're wondering why I'm dressed like this? - Aye! - No(!) 35 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:49,200 As you see me like this, can you guess what my lecture is about? 36 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,120 Pruning fruit trees, sir? 37 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:54,400 No, Godfrey. 38 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:59,560 It's camouflage. Now I want a volunteer to drop in the scenery. 39 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:03,600 I would like to volunteer to drop in the scenery. 40 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:08,720 - It's a bit heavy. - It's all right. I'm used to this type of work, sir. 41 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:13,000 I helped with the vicarage pantomime last year, sir. 42 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:18,080 - I done the beanstalk... - All right. Stand over on the side there. 43 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:24,520 - We don't call it the side. It's the wings. - Right, stand in the wings. - Thank you, sir. 44 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:27,640 - Stand by the curtain. - Yes, sir. 45 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:35,640 - The object of camouflage is to merge into one's background. Draw the curtain. - Right, sir. 46 00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:45,520 Now you will observe how I stand out clearly against a plain background. Corporal? 47 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:52,320 - Yes, sir? - Drop in the scene with the woodland. - Coming down, sir. Woodland scene, sir. Right, sir. 48 00:03:56,840 --> 00:04:01,160 Now you will observe how well I merge with my background. 49 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:04,280 How could I improve the camouflage? 50 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:06,840 Disguise yourself as a coal scuttle. 51 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:11,440 - Coal scuttle? - You'll burn your bum if you stand there! 52 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:18,280 Corporal! You put the wrong scene in! I want the woodland scene. 53 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:22,560 - Sorry. That's the baron's kitchen. - Yes, I know what it is. 54 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:26,480 We had a lot of fun with that, didn't we, Joe? 55 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:32,040 - The horse brought the pumpkin... - Yes, yes! Put the woodland scene in. 56 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:36,600 - Now, as I was saying... - Excuse me, sir... 57 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:44,120 - We had a lot of trouble with the pony - just where you're standing. - Corporal! Get the woodland scene. 58 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,480 Woodland scene coming in now. 59 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:54,960 - Ow! It's on my foot! - Sorry, sir! Sorry, sir. 60 00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:58,720 Jones, where are you? 61 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:02,440 Jones? 62 00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:04,600 Mr Mainwaring? 63 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,040 Where's Mr Mainwaring? 64 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,480 He went round the back, I think. 65 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:14,200 - Are you there, sir? - Of course! Open this door! - It's stuck. 66 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:18,400 Could you go round and help Captain Mainwaring? 67 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:21,960 - There you are! - Get the woodland scene! - Right. 68 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:26,520 I'll just be a minute, sir. BANGING 69 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,720 - I can't get through, sir! - Well, hang on where you are! 70 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,120 Right-oh, sir. 71 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,840 Where are you? 72 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:42,360 Get it down, Sergeant. You're no better than he is! 73 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:45,520 Sorry. I've never done a beanstalk. 74 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:53,760 - Take it up. Are you all right? - Fit as a flea, sir! 75 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:58,600 - That was fun, wasn't it? - You better go and sit down. 76 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:03,080 - Right. Can you manage all right, sir? - Just about(!) 77 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,400 Now, what do you think of that? 78 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,760 That's the best turn I've seen in years, sir! 79 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,560 All right, everybody! 80 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:18,960 Now, the points I want you to notice are... The face... 81 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:25,560 For this, we need corks. Champagne corks are best. Cook them right through under the grill, then... 82 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:28,840 Serve them on toast. Very tasty! 83 00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:33,080 Walker, your very life may depend on this one day! 84 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:38,440 Grind them up, mix them with grease and apply them. Any questions? 85 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:43,920 Yes! Where do we get champagne corks? Remember, there's a war on! 86 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:47,040 I know! As usual, we'll improvise. 87 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:52,560 - Permission to speak? - Yes? - Get an old cork bath mat and chop it up. 88 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:58,680 - Good idea. Make a note of that. - You'd have a job getting one of them - very scarce. 89 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:02,920 - Why? - There's a war on. I do just happen to have one... 90 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:05,920 As it's for the platoon, 30 bob. 91 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,120 Thank you(!) We'll find another source. 92 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:14,080 - What about medicine bottle corks? I'll ask at the clinic. - Good idea. 93 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,080 Blackleg! 94 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:21,480 You'll also notice that I'm covered from head to foot in foliage. 95 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:24,560 - JONES: Good job there's no squirrels about! - Who said that? 96 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:28,440 Any further questions? 97 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:32,120 Yes! What do you do in winter, when there's no foliage? 98 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:36,040 Yes, good question. Anybody got any thoughts on that? 99 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:41,240 What about holly, sir? There's an abundance of holly in winter. 100 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:45,520 - Cover ourselves in holly? - Or mistletoe. 101 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:55,360 Well, our main task, men, is to blur the outline, break up the outline. 102 00:07:55,360 --> 00:08:01,800 I'm going to dismiss you and I want you back here in an hour, fully camouflaged. 103 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:05,080 Understood? Right, off you go. 104 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:08,160 # Thumbs up and say it's tickety-boo 105 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,920 # Cos tickety-boo means everything will be fine... # 106 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,800 Left, left, left, right, left. 107 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:20,120 Turn... Halt! 108 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:22,960 Good. 109 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,160 Left turn! 110 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:31,360 - Excellent turnout, men! Isn't it, Wilson? - Absolutely first-class, sir. 111 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:33,800 Who's this? 112 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:40,880 - No idea, sir. - It's me, sir. I'm disguised as a small haystack. - Ah, Walker! Very good indeed. 113 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,200 A-choo! 114 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:47,440 - What's wrong with you, Pike? - Sorry, sir, it's my hay fever. 115 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:51,920 - Well, go to the end of the line. - Thank you, sir. - What's this? 116 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:55,440 I tried several things on, but nothing seemed to suit me. 117 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:04,320 - You're supposed to break up the outline. - I thought I was sufficiently broken up as it is. 118 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:08,040 - What's this? - My apiaristic mask. - Your what? 119 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:11,080 - Beekeeping, sir. - It's full of holes. 120 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:15,560 I know. I should mend them, but my bees are quite friendly. 121 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:20,840 Why this? You look as if you're on a cruise to the South Seas! 122 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:28,480 I had the idea from a picture I saw with my sisters. South Of Pago Pago. Dorothy Lamour and Victor Mature. 123 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:34,400 Was it good? I liked it, but my sisters thought Miss Lamour was a bit fast. 124 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,000 Ah. 125 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:39,880 - What's this got to do with camouflage? - I don't know, 126 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:44,720 - but I thought it looked open-air. - I see. 127 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,720 I rather agree, sir. It does look rather open-air. 128 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,680 What have you been to see? Phantom Of The Opera? 129 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:58,240 No. This is winter camouflage. You wear it in the snow. 130 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,520 Well done, Frazer(!) 131 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:14,320 - Why aren't you in camouflage? - I am, sir. As a butcher. 132 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:18,960 - You are a butcher! - I know I am, sir, and you know I am, 133 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:24,000 - but that don't mean the Germans know. - I don't quite follow this. 134 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:28,400 Well, I'll be standing outside my shop a bit nonchalant, 135 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:31,080 and along will come a German soldier 136 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:33,960 and he'll see me in this apparel. 137 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:38,720 Just as he's beginning to treat me with ignore, I go whup with the old cold steel. 138 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,720 They cannot brook that sort of thing, they will not brook it. 139 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:45,400 I'm aware of that, Corporal. 140 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:50,920 - What's the meaning of this? - I've got a note for you from my mum. 141 00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:59,800 "I'm not having our Frank covered in a lot of damp leaves. 142 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:05,040 "It will only set off his chest again." Right! That finishes it! 143 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:07,720 - I'd like a word with you! - Right. 144 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:11,720 I've never heard anything like this in my life! 145 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:18,840 - The way she mollycoddles her son is absurd! - Yes, sir. - She's always interfering in the platoon. 146 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:22,760 - Yes, sir. - What if all our men came with notes from their mothers? 147 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:27,240 - It would look a bit odd! - It would - at their ages, yes! 148 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:32,640 - Someone's got to talk with her. - Yes. - You're friendly with her? - Yes. 149 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:36,440 Yes, I am sir. We go to the cinema every now and then. 150 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:40,560 Sometimes she asks me back for a meal, that sort of thing. 151 00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:45,400 - What sort of thing? - Whatever she happens to be cooking at the time. 152 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:51,400 - I see. - She's got my ration book. It makes it easier. - I'm sure it does. 153 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:57,200 - You've got to speak to her. - Yes, sir. - I wouldn't let my own wife tell me how to run the platoon. 154 00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:02,720 - A woman's place is at home. - Yes. - I wouldn't let her tell me what to do. 155 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:06,760 PHONE RINGS Hello? Mrs Mainwaring. Yes. 156 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:10,920 Just a moment. Your wife, sir. On the phone. 157 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,160 - Really? - Yes. 158 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,200 Hello? 159 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,320 Elizabeth? 160 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:24,840 Well, I'm very busy. I can't get home for at least half an hour. 161 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,000 I see. 162 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:33,000 Well, I'll leave you to lock up, Wilson. 163 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:40,680 - Speak to Mrs Pike. - Yes, sir. - There's only one way to deal with women. - Yes? - Be firm. - I'll be firm. 164 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:45,520 # I got no strings to hold me down To make me fret or make me frown 165 00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:48,680 # I had strings but now I'm free... # 166 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:52,280 Frank! That's a week's butter! 167 00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:00,760 - Oh, dear! - What's the matter? - It's from the WVS. 168 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:03,800 They want us to take in a evacuee. 169 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,600 We ought to do all we can to help. 170 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:09,440 We could manage one all right. 171 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:13,720 He can have the room at the back. I'll let them know tonight. 172 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:19,440 - Isn't Uncle Arthur meant to be here? - He should be here in a minute. 173 00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:24,400 - You don't mind, do you? - No. I quite like him. 174 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:29,720 - No, I mean about having a little evacuee to stay? - Oh, no, no. 175 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:42,840 The trouble is children grow up so quickly these days. It'd be nice to have a child about the house again. 176 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:49,600 - I wonder if it's a boy or a girl. - We'll just have to wait and see, won't we? 177 00:13:54,360 --> 00:14:00,600 You know, Frank, it'll be funny being a mother again after all these years. 178 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:05,720 Don't say anything to Uncle Arthur about this just at the moment. 179 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:09,680 - I'll tell him in my own time. - All right, Mum. 180 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:17,800 - There you are! You're late! - Yes. L-Late. 181 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:23,000 - Hurry up or your tea'll get cold. - Thank you. Thank you. 182 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,040 - Frank. - Uncle Arthur. 183 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:33,120 - You're ever so pale. Are you all right? - Yes, no, yes... I'm all right. - Doesn't he look pale? 184 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,640 You know what they say - pale and passionate! 185 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:42,200 Enough of that! Finish your tea! 186 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:46,640 - Something to eat, Arthur? - No, thanks, I'm quite all right. 187 00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:52,960 - I'm not really hungry. - You must eat something. I know, I got some nursery biscuits today. 188 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:58,040 Please don't bother. It's very kind. I'm just...I'm just not hungry. 189 00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:03,800 You like nursery biscuits. They've got little icing children on them! 190 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:09,440 I know what they look like, but I don't want one at the moment. 191 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:13,960 - No need to snap! - I'm not. - I used all me points to get them! 192 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:20,720 I'm sorry. I just seem... I just seem to have somehow lost my appetite. 193 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:25,440 I have to be very careful with everything on points. 194 00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:31,360 - The only thing that isn't on points is a baby! - Frank! 195 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:33,600 Don't be so coarse! 196 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:38,160 Do you get this from some of those rough men in the Home Guard? 197 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:41,240 - I'll talk to Mr Mainwaring. - No! - No! 198 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:46,200 - Don't do that! - I'll go and put my uniform on. 199 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:54,480 What's wrong? It's not like you to look so miserable all the time. 200 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:59,320 Mavis, I couldn't help overhearing what you said to Frank just now. 201 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:03,720 - Oh, you mean about the addition to the family? - Yes. 202 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:08,320 - Why should you be worried? - But I do worry. 203 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:13,280 - How can you take it all so calmly? - Well, what do you expect me to do? 204 00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:17,240 - What? - Well, I'm not the only woman in this situation. 205 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,200 Couldn't you keep still just for a moment? 206 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:27,120 - I feel a bit responsible for this. - I don't see why you should. 207 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:30,960 - I'm the one who decided to have the child. - Why? 208 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,520 Why? Because there's a war on! 209 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:37,480 - We must all do our bit! - What's the war got to do with it? 210 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:41,360 - I wouldn't be having the child if there wasn't a war on! - Well... 211 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:47,640 Stop trailing about after me! I'm trying to get on! 212 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,320 Hurry up, or you'll be late for your parade. 213 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:55,360 - Could I speak to you? Oh, that boy! - Ready, Uncle Arthur! 214 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:59,840 I'll join you shortly. Tell them I'm coming. 215 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:03,720 It is a little bit worrying, don't you think? 216 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:09,720 # Whose baby are you, dear?.. # 217 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:16,840 Now, men, as you will all have read on the noticeboard, 218 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:22,640 we're having a monthly competition for the best improvised weapon or method of defence. 219 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:27,960 A prize will come out of platoon funds. What is it, Corporal? 220 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:31,240 Two lamb chops and a quarter-pound of chitlings. 221 00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:35,800 Hear that? Two lamb chops and chitlings. What are chitlings? 222 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:41,200 - The secret part of a pig, sir. - Really. A worthy prize, indeed. 223 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:47,360 - We have three entrants. Wilson, Frazer and Walker. - Jonesy, give me a hand. 224 00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:52,520 We'll ask Sgt Wilson to demonstrate his. Carry on, Sergeant. 225 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,640 - Sergeant! - Sorry. 226 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:01,960 We're waiting for you to show us your grenade-firing crossbow. 227 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:06,200 - My what? - Your crossbow. 228 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,040 I really am terribly sorry, sir. 229 00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:11,520 - I left it at home. - You left it? 230 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:16,040 - What's the matter with you? - What? - You're in a dream. 231 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:22,280 - Are you ill? - I'm quite all right. - Pull yourself together. I'll talk to you later. - Yes. 232 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:28,720 In the absence of the crossbow, let's see Frazer's anti-tank device. 233 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:29,840 Aye! 234 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,600 Well, sir, this is the road. 235 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:39,640 I place a row of plates, upside down, in a line, 236 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:43,520 right along it, so. 237 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:47,480 - It's an anti-tank device? - Aye. - Dinner plates? - Dinner plates. 238 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:49,240 Please continue. 239 00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:56,960 The enemy tank comes along. He sees the line of plates in his path. 240 00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:02,560 He disnae know what they are. He stops and gets out to have a look. 241 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:08,360 Meantime, we are hiding behind cover. As soon as he gets out his tank, we let him have it - bam! 242 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:15,560 - What do you think? - Not bad at all. 243 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:18,360 Right, we better call on Private... 244 00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:19,600 Oh... Private Walker! 245 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:26,720 Right, the greatest invention since the Spitfire! 246 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:32,560 - The most remarkable piece of personal protection. - You're not in the marketplace. Get on. 247 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:38,840 Oh, well, yeah. Well, it's a sort of shoulder protector. 248 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:43,200 From ack-ack, you know, flack and shrapnel. 249 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:48,360 It'll protect you from that and any blow from a weapon. You all right? 250 00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:49,400 Here you go. 251 00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:54,480 - How's that? - Never felt a thing. 252 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:57,600 It's a good idea. Very good, indeed, Walker. 253 00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:03,120 Well, two excellent ideas from Frazer and Walker. 254 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:06,320 We'll decide the winner by the usual show of hands. 255 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:11,000 Hands up those who liked Frazer's device. One, two, three, four... 256 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,480 Now Walker's. One, two... 257 00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:18,800 - Walker's the clear winner. - Pah! 258 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,800 Don't take it to heart. I'll give you some of me chitlings! 259 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:30,440 We shall equip the entire platoon. There are 17 of us, so we shall need nine old tyres. 260 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:34,840 Slight snag. Tyres are like gold dust now. Can't get them anywhere. 261 00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:41,680 - So why suggest it? Give Frazer the prize. - Hang on, hang on! 262 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:44,400 I do happen to have a few tyres in the yard! 263 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:45,480 - Ten bob apiece. How's that? - It's outrageous. 264 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:51,840 - My friend had got some old tyres. - He bleeding would have! 265 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,880 I'm sure he would let you have them for nothing. 266 00:20:56,880 --> 00:21:00,640 - That's better. I'll cut them up for you! - Be quiet! Sit down! 267 00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:04,080 Sergeant, dismiss the parade. 268 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:08,240 Sergeant. 269 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:13,960 - I'll see you in my office now. - All right. - Dismiss the parade, Jones. 270 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:15,520 Attention! 271 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:17,000 Dismissed! 272 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:21,800 - Come in, Wilson. - Right, sir. 273 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:27,480 - Shut the door. - Sorry. 274 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:32,640 - What's the matter? - The matter, sir? 275 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:40,360 You've been daydreaming, you haven't been listening when I spoke and you left your crossbow at home. 276 00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:43,240 It's all rather difficult, sir. 277 00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,520 - You better sit down. - Thank you. 278 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:53,240 - Are you in some sort of trouble? - It's not me, sir, it's not me. 279 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:59,680 - It's Mrs Pike. - How do you mean? - What...? Well, she's...er... 280 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:01,720 Now, look, Wilson. 281 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:06,640 I'm not only your commanding officer. I'm also your friend. 282 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:12,120 - Thank you. - I don't want you to feel any hesitation in confiding in me. 283 00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:14,320 What's all this about Mrs Pike? 284 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:17,200 Well, er...you see, sir, she's... 285 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:23,520 - ..going to have a baby. - Really? 286 00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:28,040 That is good news. Her husband will be delighted. 287 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,000 Wait a minute! She's a widow! 288 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,200 - That's right. - How on Earth can she be having a baby? 289 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,680 I thought you only went round for meals. 290 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:52,520 I did tell you, sir, that she's got my ration book. 291 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:57,680 Yes. She's got something else now, hasn't she? 292 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,280 I can hardly believe my ears! 293 00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:07,840 I've come to the conclusion I don't know you, Wilson. 294 00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:11,640 You're a cad, that's what you are. 295 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:15,240 - How long have you known her? - Quite a few years now, sir. 296 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:19,160 - Why didn't you ask her to marry you? - I never got round to it. 297 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:24,040 You better get round to it! You can't behave like Errol Flynn! 298 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:28,520 What do you think the bank directors would say? 299 00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:33,640 - I've no idea, sir. - I have! You must do the only honourable thing. 300 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:36,280 - Ask her to marry you. - Yes, quite, quite. 301 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:40,440 - I'll speak to her in the next few days. - No, tonight! 302 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:46,400 - No time to lose. - It's Tuesday. - So? - She goes to bed early on a Tuesday. 303 00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:48,920 - Why? - She always gets terribly tired on Mondays. 304 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:57,160 - You'll just have to wake her. - Yes. - I want the whole thing settled by the morning. - Right. 305 00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:01,400 - That's all. - Can I leave the room now? - Go. 306 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:08,160 # If I should fall in love again 307 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,960 # I'd fall in love... # 308 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:23,200 DOORBELL RINGS 309 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:27,800 - WINDOW OPENS - Who's that? 310 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:32,040 It's me, Mavis. I want to talk to you. 311 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:37,040 - What do you want at this time? - It's only ten. I must talk to you. 312 00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:41,120 - What will the neighbours think? - I can't help that! - All right. 313 00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:43,560 - OK. I'll come down. - Do hurry up. 314 00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:50,520 What's going on here? 315 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:56,040 Sorry. I saw a shadowy figure and thought something fishy was going on. 316 00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:58,320 Everything's quite all right. 317 00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:03,000 - She locked you out, has she? - No, she hasn't. It's quite all right. 318 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:08,280 - Lost your key? - I don't have a key. - I've got a bunch. Three bob. 319 00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:14,000 I came here to remind young Pike about the parade tomorrow night. 320 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:18,160 - You'll see him in the bank tomorrow. - And to remind him about that. 321 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,440 Are you still there? 322 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:24,240 - Of course. - I'd only just got undressed. 323 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:32,360 - Another minute and I'd have been asleep. - Mavis, please! 324 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:37,920 I'm a man of discretion. We all have our private lives to lead. 325 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:41,480 - Mum's the word. - Just go away! 326 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:46,760 - Please, open the door. - I can't. I've locked up. 327 00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:53,480 - Besides my mother's here. What would she think? - I can't help that. Mavis, I must talk to you. 328 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:58,800 - Talk through the letterbox. - This is embarrassing. - What is it you want? 329 00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:01,440 Mavis, look... I... 330 00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,560 Will you marry me? 331 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:11,200 Arthur, darling! 332 00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:13,680 Put that light out! > 333 00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:24,240 I'm going to dismiss you a little earlier tonight. 334 00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:28,000 On Saturday, Sgt Wilson and Mrs Pike are getting married. 335 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,320 We're to be the guard of honour. 336 00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:37,800 I want a little rehearsal. Assume that the door to the hall there represents the church entrance. 337 00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:42,720 On fall out, form two ranks on either side of the church porch. 338 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:45,600 - Understand? - Yes. - Attention! 339 00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:48,080 Platoon, fall out! 340 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:54,920 Quickly as you can. Two ranks down the side of the church. 341 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:58,560 On the appearance of the happy pair... 342 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:07,640 ..I want you to draw bayonets and form an arch over them. You've seen the sort of thing in the papers. 343 00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:11,520 - Sergeant, take your place. - Is this absolutely necessary? 344 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:16,200 - Yes! We want to do it properly. - It's a bit embarrassing. 345 00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:19,880 We want someone to take Mrs Pike's place. 346 00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:24,360 - Permission to speak! - Yes? - I'll take Mrs Pike's place. 347 00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:26,840 I thought you might. Go on. 348 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:30,640 Right... 349 00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:33,200 Present bayonets! 350 00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:36,880 Not you, Corporal! Corporal, not you! 351 00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:44,960 Put your arm through Sgt Wilson's. Right, down you come. 352 00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:50,880 THEY SING "The Wedding March" 353 00:27:56,080 --> 00:28:01,280 - Smile! It's your wedding day! - Don't be nervous, Sergeant. 354 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:05,360 - Our little newcomer's arrived. - Oh, good heavens! 355 00:28:05,360 --> 00:28:08,440 - It's a dear little boy. - Little boy? 356 00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:12,200 - W-When? - Half an hour ago. - Half an hour? 357 00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:16,000 You'll never guess - his name's Arthur, too! 358 00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:20,480 This is the addition to the family. Our little evacuee. 359 00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:26,760 - Are you my Uncle Arthur? - No, this is your Uncle Arthur. He'll be pleased to see you! 360 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:32,080 Absolutely delighted and somewhat relieved, curiously enough. 361 00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:12,320 Subtitles by Martin Maguire BBC 1998