1 00:00:03,360 --> 00:00:07,800 # Who do you think you're kidding, Mr Hitler? 2 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:12,840 # If you think we're on the run 3 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:17,480 # We are the boys who will stop your little game, 4 00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:22,480 # We are the boys who will make you think again. 5 00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:27,360 # 'Cos who do you think you're kidding, Mr Hitler? 6 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:32,480 # If you think old England's done. 7 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:37,560 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21 8 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:42,200 # But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun. 9 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:47,080 # So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler? 10 00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:52,480 # If you think old England's do-one! # 11 00:01:05,060 --> 00:01:10,660 SCREECH OF BRAKES Blimey, not again! 12 00:01:10,660 --> 00:01:16,820 - What time are we due at the camp? - 1600 hours, sir. - What? 13 00:01:16,820 --> 00:01:21,260 - Four o'clock. - Oh, yes, four o'clock. 14 00:01:21,260 --> 00:01:26,100 Four hours to do an hour's journey! I'm starving, as well. 15 00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:33,140 - I hope we get there soon. - Why? - 'Cos it's awfully awkward, this not being a corridor train... 16 00:01:33,140 --> 00:01:41,140 - It's very, very difficult indeed. - You'll have to control yourself. There's a war on. Active service. 17 00:01:41,140 --> 00:01:47,980 - I've got an idea, Mr Godfrey. Why don't you recite a poem to take your mind off it? - All right. 18 00:01:47,980 --> 00:01:53,460 "The owl and the pussycat went to sea In a beautiful... 19 00:01:53,460 --> 00:01:59,500 - "..pea-green boat. They took some... - Honey and plenty of money. 20 00:01:59,500 --> 00:02:02,660 "Wrapped up in a five-pound note..." 21 00:02:02,660 --> 00:02:10,260 - SCREECHING "The owl looked up to..." - Oh, get up! 22 00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:16,020 Now that we've stopped, perhaps Godfrey could nip outside. 23 00:02:16,020 --> 00:02:19,740 Good idea. Nip outside, Godfrey. 24 00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:25,180 - It's an awful long way down. - Oh, get on with it! 25 00:02:25,180 --> 00:02:28,860 Come on, Mr Godfrey. 26 00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:33,340 Could anyone please shut the door? 27 00:02:33,340 --> 00:02:38,020 It's all right, Godfrey. Now make haste. 28 00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:43,740 Yes... Spring would appear to be a little late this year. 29 00:02:43,740 --> 00:02:49,380 - What?! - I'm just trying to be a little bit nonchalant, sir. - Why? 30 00:02:49,380 --> 00:02:56,180 - I don't want to put Godfrey off. - Rubbish! We're on active service. Godfrey can rough it. 31 00:02:56,180 --> 00:03:01,340 - WHISTLE - Get him in! 32 00:03:01,340 --> 00:03:05,980 Come on! Come on! 33 00:03:05,980 --> 00:03:10,220 - That's it. - Well done, Godfrey. 34 00:03:10,220 --> 00:03:16,860 - Sit down... - You're all right. Careful, you're kicking me. 35 00:03:16,860 --> 00:03:20,980 - You all right, Mr Godfrey? - No, I'm afraid not. 36 00:03:20,980 --> 00:03:25,420 "The owl and the pussycat went to sea... 37 00:03:25,420 --> 00:03:29,900 "in a beautiful pea-green boat. They took some money..." 38 00:03:36,620 --> 00:03:43,380 - Corporal! - Yes, sir? - Fall the men in. - Right, sir. Right, get ready, you blokes. 39 00:03:43,380 --> 00:03:49,540 - This place looks deserted. - This is where the guard told us to get off. 40 00:03:49,540 --> 00:03:54,500 - How do we know he was the guard? - He was wearing railway uniform. 41 00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:59,060 That could be a trap. We must always be on our guard. 42 00:03:59,060 --> 00:04:03,860 - Yes, but he got back on the train, sir. - Are you trying to be funny? 43 00:04:03,860 --> 00:04:09,940 No, sir. Obviously, you're on edge. You haven't had any lunch, sir. 44 00:04:09,940 --> 00:04:15,380 Let's see... "Sealed instructions for opening the sealed orders." 45 00:04:20,820 --> 00:04:25,700 "Break seal on the sealed orders and destroy these instructions." 46 00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:30,700 - Well, shan't be long now... - Have you got a map, sir? 47 00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:33,380 Thank you. 48 00:04:37,940 --> 00:04:42,780 Ah, yes, just as I thought. Perfectly straightforward. 49 00:04:42,780 --> 00:04:47,140 - We're here... at X railway halt. - Mm. 50 00:04:47,140 --> 00:04:50,380 Map reference... 51 00:04:50,380 --> 00:04:54,380 - There's that hill. - Oh, yes. 52 00:04:54,380 --> 00:04:58,300 And here's the battleschool map reference... 53 00:05:00,540 --> 00:05:05,140 - It's only a mile away. We'll be there by tea-time. - Thank goodness. 54 00:05:05,140 --> 00:05:10,020 - Platoon ready to march off, sir. - Thank you, Corporal. 55 00:05:10,020 --> 00:05:14,940 - Where's Godfrey? - He's...he won't be a minute, sir. 56 00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:18,260 He'll just have to catch us up. 57 00:05:18,260 --> 00:05:24,100 Pay attention, men. As I know the way, I shall be well in front. 58 00:05:24,100 --> 00:05:28,220 Sergeant Wilson, you bring up the the rear. Attention! 59 00:05:28,220 --> 00:05:32,260 Slope...arms! 60 00:05:32,260 --> 00:05:35,100 Right turn! 61 00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:39,700 By the left, quick march! 62 00:05:44,420 --> 00:05:48,340 Right wheel, forward! 63 00:06:02,860 --> 00:06:06,820 WHISTLE POPULAR WAR SONG 64 00:06:06,820 --> 00:06:09,940 Mark time. 65 00:06:17,220 --> 00:06:20,900 Right wheel, forward! 66 00:06:29,060 --> 00:06:31,660 Mark time. 67 00:06:36,620 --> 00:06:40,180 Left wheel, forward! 68 00:06:53,540 --> 00:06:56,740 Mark time. 69 00:07:00,660 --> 00:07:04,300 Left wheel, forward! 70 00:07:14,820 --> 00:07:17,860 Halt! 71 00:07:19,900 --> 00:07:27,180 - I thought you said we'd be there by tea-time. - There's no need for sarcasm. I took the wrong turning. 72 00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:31,020 Atten-shun! About turn! 73 00:07:31,020 --> 00:07:34,820 Quick...march! 74 00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:37,500 Left, left... 75 00:07:43,580 --> 00:07:47,420 Right wheel, forward! 76 00:07:56,260 --> 00:07:59,580 Aaaaahhh! Put me down! 77 00:08:10,340 --> 00:08:15,300 SHOTS Blimey, it's the enemy! 78 00:08:18,820 --> 00:08:23,980 Don't panic, don't panic. Where are they? I'll get 'em. 79 00:08:23,980 --> 00:08:26,780 Where are they? Don't panic! 80 00:08:26,780 --> 00:08:32,140 - Where is he? Where's Captain Mainwaring? - Look! 81 00:08:41,340 --> 00:08:45,500 Aye, here's another one, boys. It's empty. 82 00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:49,940 Cor blimey! What a dump! 83 00:08:49,940 --> 00:08:57,020 Did he say this place was ????? It looks like a prison camp. 84 00:08:57,020 --> 00:09:02,140 Do the Red Cross send parcels? Look at the time! 11 o'clock! 85 00:09:02,140 --> 00:09:07,060 Four hours from the station and it's only a mile away! 86 00:09:07,060 --> 00:09:15,140 - I don't think Captain Mainwaring knew the way. - No. Losing his way, then leading us into an ambush. 87 00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:20,060 Yon fellow shouldn't be in charge of men! 88 00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:22,740 He's no' fit! > 89 00:09:22,740 --> 00:09:29,460 - Well, men, we got here. - Aye, we did. - Better late than never, eh? 90 00:09:29,460 --> 00:09:33,940 Do you think this course includes map-reading this weekend? 91 00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:38,220 - Walker! - Good evening, Captain. - 'Evening, sir. 92 00:09:38,220 --> 00:09:43,060 You're too late for a meal. Supper finished 4 hours ago. 93 00:09:43,060 --> 00:09:48,820 - Fall the men in, Sergeant. - Fall in, men, quick as you can. 94 00:09:48,820 --> 00:09:53,580 It's all right, relax. We don't go in for formality here. 95 00:09:53,580 --> 00:09:58,940 As you chaps know, this is a special Home Guard battleschool. 96 00:09:58,940 --> 00:10:02,980 This is where we introduce you to guerilla warfare. 97 00:10:02,980 --> 00:10:08,860 The man who's going to be in charge of you is...Captain Rodrigues there. 98 00:10:08,860 --> 00:10:16,140 He's an expert in guerilla warfare. He fought in Spain in the Civil War, you know. 99 00:10:16,140 --> 00:10:21,900 It's a dirty business. Has he washed since (?) 100 00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:27,980 My job is to keep a parental eye, see you don't get knocked about too much. 101 00:10:27,980 --> 00:10:31,420 Thank you very much, sir. 102 00:10:31,420 --> 00:10:35,460 - Some of us aren't young. - Permission to speak, sir. - Yes? 103 00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:41,780 Don't worry about us senior soldiers. We can take it, sir. 104 00:10:41,780 --> 00:10:46,780 We're good with the cold steel, sir. They don't like it up 'em. 105 00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:52,100 - They do not like... - All right, Jones. - Yes...that's the spirit. 106 00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:56,700 I'll leave you in the capable hands of Captain Rodrigues. Carry on... 107 00:10:56,700 --> 00:11:00,580 - Platoon, attention! - What? 108 00:11:00,580 --> 00:11:03,780 Oh... Oh, jolly good. 109 00:11:03,780 --> 00:11:08,660 - Platoon, at ease... - You can cut all that business out. 110 00:11:08,660 --> 00:11:15,980 We do not do any of that arm-waving round here. All we do is teach you how to kill Nazis. 111 00:11:15,980 --> 00:11:24,420 - That is all I'm interested in. Is that clear? - Perfectly clear. Is that clear to you, Sergeant? 112 00:11:24,420 --> 00:11:29,180 - Yes, crystal clear. - Good. Are there any questions? 113 00:11:29,180 --> 00:11:35,500 - I don't think so. Wilson? - What about food? - Ah, yes. When do we get a meal? 114 00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:42,500 The canteen is closed 4 hours ago. MUTTERING But I always think of my men. 115 00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:47,620 - Here, some carrots and onions. - Carrots and onions?! 116 00:11:47,620 --> 00:11:51,260 - You live off the land. - Onions? 117 00:11:51,260 --> 00:11:58,340 - What is wrong with onions? - I - always eat them. - I'd never have guessed. 118 00:11:58,340 --> 00:12:02,420 Eat them while you can. They're getting scarce. 119 00:12:02,420 --> 00:12:07,340 - You, old man. - Yes, sir? - See that pile of straw? - Yes, sir. 120 00:12:07,340 --> 00:12:11,500 - With it you stuff you palliasse. - I beg your pardon? 121 00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:14,740 Put it in your palliasse. 122 00:12:15,980 --> 00:12:19,980 He's a bit continental, isn't he? 123 00:12:19,980 --> 00:12:27,780 Right, you have a palliasse to lie on, a blanket to cover you, some carrots and onions to eat... 124 00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:31,980 - What more could you want? - Absolutely nothing (!) 125 00:12:31,980 --> 00:12:37,300 You better get some sleep. Here, we start early in the morning. 126 00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:43,300 I've never seen anything like it! He is a Captain in the British army! 127 00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:47,340 - He's more like an anarchist. - Thank God, he's on our side. 128 00:12:47,340 --> 00:12:54,900 Now, men, we've got a strenuous weekend. When I give the command, fall out and fill them with straw. 129 00:12:54,900 --> 00:13:00,220 - All right? - Aye, aye. - Here... All right, fall out! 130 00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:12,180 Here, here! What a shambles. Straw to lie on and one blanket. We'll freeze to death! 131 00:13:12,180 --> 00:13:18,500 I was so looking forward to this, and it turns out rotten! 132 00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:25,780 - All right, Frank, all right. There's no need to blub. - I'm not. This straw's brought on my hay fever. 133 00:13:25,780 --> 00:13:30,420 Eating raw carrots and onions will give me indigestion. 134 00:13:30,420 --> 00:13:36,540 Don't worry, Mr Godfrey, I've got the old bicarb. We'll be all right. 135 00:13:36,540 --> 00:13:41,900 - I'll dish out these carrots and onions. - Thank you very much. 136 00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:48,380 I know that we've only got one blanket each so, as usual, we shall have to improvise. 137 00:13:48,380 --> 00:13:54,420 I know how we can all keep warm. Why don't we all huddle together? 138 00:13:54,420 --> 00:14:00,940 When the nights were cold out in the Sudan, we did a lot of huddling together. 139 00:14:00,940 --> 00:14:06,580 I'm not too sure about that, Jones. Might be bad for discipline. 140 00:14:06,580 --> 00:14:12,620 - Still, we could stretch a point. - I'm particular who I huddle up with. 141 00:14:12,620 --> 00:14:17,340 I'm sure we all are. We'll feel better after we've slept. 142 00:14:17,340 --> 00:14:21,940 - Here, sir, here's your palliasse. - Thank you very much. 143 00:14:24,660 --> 00:14:27,380 Here we are... 144 00:14:36,940 --> 00:14:39,620 Thank you very much, Godfrey. 145 00:15:04,580 --> 00:15:10,220 - Uncle Arthur? - Yes? - I've finished my carrot and I'm still hungry. 146 00:15:10,220 --> 00:15:16,140 You can have the rest of this. I've grown rather tired of it. 147 00:15:16,140 --> 00:15:20,180 - Uncle Arthur... - Oh, what is it, Frank? 148 00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:25,420 - I'm ever so cold. - What? - Can I cuddle up to you? 149 00:15:26,740 --> 00:15:31,780 - Frankly, I'd rather you didn't. - I shall tell Mum. 150 00:15:31,780 --> 00:15:35,900 Oh, all right then. ..Not too close, though. 151 00:15:35,900 --> 00:15:39,980 - Mr Mainwaring? - Yes, what is it...? 152 00:15:41,860 --> 00:15:46,220 Yes, what is it? Oh, it's you, Jones. What is it? 153 00:15:46,220 --> 00:15:50,260 - Permission to whisper, sir? - Yes, what is it? 154 00:15:50,260 --> 00:15:57,900 - I just wanted you to know I'm sorry everything went higgledy-piggledy for you today. - Thank you, Jones. 155 00:15:57,900 --> 00:16:05,140 Not your fault, sir. Fortunes of war. You've always been a good officer to us. 156 00:16:05,140 --> 00:16:13,500 - You've led us through thick and you've led us through thin, sir. - It's a lonely task being in command. 157 00:16:13,500 --> 00:16:17,540 You have to learn to take the rough with the smooth. 158 00:16:17,540 --> 00:16:25,940 - I want you to know I still got faith in you. - Thank you, Corporal. - Even if no-one else has. 159 00:16:25,940 --> 00:16:28,980 - Goodnight, sir. - Crawler! > 160 00:16:53,020 --> 00:17:00,020 EXPLOSION What's happening?! Where's my teeth? 161 00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:05,620 Don't panic. Don't panic, anyone. Don't panic. 162 00:17:05,620 --> 00:17:14,020 Oh, good morning, Captain. My, you gave us all a start... Bit early for that sort of thing. 163 00:17:14,020 --> 00:17:20,300 It is not early. It is 10 to 9 ! The camp has been up for 2 hours! 164 00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:24,700 - Gracious! We must have overslept. - You certainly did. 165 00:17:24,700 --> 00:17:33,340 - I want you ready for training in ten minutes. - What about breakfast? - It's finished. UPROAR 166 00:17:33,340 --> 00:17:40,980 During the time you are here every platoon is given the chance to capture my headquarters. 167 00:17:40,980 --> 00:17:47,420 - No-one has been successful. - We'll do it, won't we, Mr Mainwaring? 168 00:17:47,420 --> 00:17:54,980 This used to be a POW camp. My headquarters is surrounded by two fences - one electrified. 169 00:17:54,980 --> 00:17:59,540 And it's patrolled by dogs. What sort? 170 00:17:59,540 --> 00:18:04,260 Alsatians. And they do not get much to eat. 171 00:18:04,260 --> 00:18:10,060 Don't worry, you've got the bicarb. That's good for hydrophobia, too. 172 00:18:10,060 --> 00:18:14,420 - Fall in, men. - Jonesy... - Yes? - I'm starving. 173 00:18:14,420 --> 00:18:20,100 - What can we do? - I'm gonna pop off and find some grub. 174 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:28,060 - There's no shops here. - There's a farm next door. They must have food in there. Leave it to me. 175 00:18:30,620 --> 00:18:34,180 Pull your men forward, Capitan! 176 00:18:34,180 --> 00:18:38,140 All right, men, forward! 177 00:19:10,940 --> 00:19:16,780 Do not forget to keep your heads down. We are using live ammunition. 178 00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:19,700 Wave the flag when you are ready. > 179 00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:25,820 - Do you hear that, sir? Live ammunition. - Don't worry, Wilson. 180 00:19:25,820 --> 00:19:30,420 - I assure you they wouldn't dare. Wave the flag. - Right, sir. 181 00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:34,300 HAIL OF BULLETS 182 00:19:51,860 --> 00:19:56,020 Blimey, it ain't half dark in here. 183 00:19:56,020 --> 00:20:01,620 'Ere, you little blighter, come here. Cor blimey! Come here. 184 00:20:14,020 --> 00:20:19,140 Hurry up! Get your men across the river, Captain. Hurry! 185 00:20:19,140 --> 00:20:24,260 - It looks a bit deep to me, sir. - No, it's fine. We can cross here. 186 00:20:24,260 --> 00:20:29,460 - Do you think that's wise, sir? - I can see the bottom. Forward! 187 00:20:29,460 --> 00:20:31,780 Aaahhhh! 188 00:20:31,780 --> 00:20:34,780 Are you all right, Mr Mainwaring? 189 00:20:45,980 --> 00:20:49,060 GRUNTING 190 00:20:57,220 --> 00:21:00,500 Wanna buy a bacon slicer? 191 00:21:02,740 --> 00:21:05,860 Follow me, men! 192 00:21:57,140 --> 00:22:01,580 I was just taking it across the road. 193 00:22:05,460 --> 00:22:09,780 Come on, men, follow me. 194 00:22:20,300 --> 00:22:24,820 Come on, Joe. Where d'you think you've been? 195 00:22:24,820 --> 00:22:29,300 - 'Ere, cop hold of these. - Eggs! Where d'you get them? 196 00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:47,460 Meat, stew, potatoes, carrots, pudding, jam. 197 00:22:49,380 --> 00:22:53,980 All right, make it quick. You've only got 15 minutes. 198 00:23:37,180 --> 00:23:41,100 We haven't got all night. Hurry! 199 00:23:47,140 --> 00:23:50,700 I've told you before - hygiene! 200 00:24:01,620 --> 00:24:04,460 Hurry! Move! Move! 201 00:24:35,420 --> 00:24:41,540 I want soldiers, not boy scouts... Move! Move! Move! 202 00:24:41,540 --> 00:24:45,380 Follow me, men... Aaargh! 203 00:25:11,100 --> 00:25:19,900 - Where's Mr Mainwaring got to, sir? - No idea. One minute he was there, then he disappeared into thin air. 204 00:25:19,900 --> 00:25:25,140 - Right, on your feet, we've got work to do. - Where have you been? 205 00:25:25,140 --> 00:25:29,820 - What are we going to do? - Capture the camp headquarters. 206 00:25:29,820 --> 00:25:33,540 It's surrounded by barbed wire! 207 00:25:33,540 --> 00:25:39,700 - And an electrified fence! - And dogs! We can't do it! 208 00:25:39,700 --> 00:25:44,820 Leave it to me. After all, I've never let you down yet, have I? 209 00:26:12,060 --> 00:26:15,460 - Come on, Corporal. - Yes, sir. 210 00:26:19,980 --> 00:26:23,220 (That's the game. Quickly!) 211 00:26:23,220 --> 00:26:29,820 'Ere, look at this - corned beef, spam, sugar, tea. It's a treasure house. 212 00:26:29,820 --> 00:26:33,860 It's the stores. Don't make a noise now. 213 00:26:33,860 --> 00:26:39,660 What a bunch that platoon from Walmington-On-Sea are! > 214 00:26:39,660 --> 00:26:45,220 I only hope they don't have to face the Germans! > 215 00:26:45,220 --> 00:26:49,940 That Captain Mainwaring should go back to managing a bank. > 216 00:26:49,940 --> 00:26:52,700 Impudence! All right, stand by... 217 00:26:52,700 --> 00:26:57,780 - Excuse me, sir, should I stay here and protect the rear? - Good idea. 218 00:26:57,780 --> 00:27:01,860 - Right, ready? - Do you think it's wise, sir? 219 00:27:01,860 --> 00:27:05,300 Oh, really, Wilson! Right, NOW. 220 00:27:05,300 --> 00:27:09,900 - Right, hands UP ! - Hands up now! 221 00:27:13,780 --> 00:27:19,660 # We'll meet again, Don't know where, don't know when 222 00:27:19,660 --> 00:27:25,460 # But I know we'll meet again some su-u-unny day! 223 00:27:25,460 --> 00:27:29,220 # Some su-u-unny day! # 224 00:27:29,220 --> 00:27:34,220 - An excellent weekend, don't you think, Wilson? - I do, indeed, sir. 225 00:27:34,220 --> 00:27:40,980 - I'll never forget the look on that Spanish chap's face. - Amateur soldiers, huh? 226 00:27:40,980 --> 00:27:48,340 I want to congratulate you, Captain Mainwaring. I never doubted you for a single minute. 227 00:27:50,460 --> 00:27:55,620 I've said it once and I say it again. You're our inspiration, sir! 228 00:27:55,620 --> 00:28:03,500 Do you think that Major Smith is going to recommend us to GHQ for being...being so good? 229 00:28:03,500 --> 00:28:09,380 Yes, although personally I would rather see a more tangible reward. 230 00:28:09,380 --> 00:28:13,940 - What's "tangible" mean, Jonesy? - You can get hold of it. 231 00:28:13,940 --> 00:28:16,580 Right, get hold of this... 232 00:28:16,580 --> 00:28:22,860 - Where d'you get all that stuff from? - I was protecting the rear, wasn't I? 233 00:28:22,860 --> 00:28:26,780 Hang on, hang on... Two bob a time, eh? 234 00:29:16,060 --> 00:29:21,380 Subtitles by Eithne Thomson BBC Scotland, 1992