# Who do you think you're kidding, Mr Hitler?
# If you think we're on the run
# We are the boys who will stop your little game,
# We are the boys who will make you think again.
# 'Cos who do you think you're kidding, Mr Hitler?
# If you think old England's done.
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun.
# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?
# If you think old England's do-one! #
SCREECH OF BRAKES Blimey, not again!
- What time are we due at the camp? - 1600 hours, sir. - What?
- Four o'clock. - Oh, yes, four o'clock.
Four hours to do an hour's journey! I'm starving, as well.
- I hope we get there soon. - Why? - 'Cos it's awfully awkward, this not being a corridor train...
- It's very, very difficult indeed. - You'll have to control yourself. There's a war on. Active service.
- I've got an idea, Mr Godfrey. Why don't you recite a poem to take your mind off it? - All right.
"The owl and the pussycat went to sea In a beautiful...
- "..pea-green boat. They took some... - Honey and plenty of money.
"Wrapped up in a five-pound note..."
- SCREECHING "The owl looked up to..." - Oh, get up!
Now that we've stopped, perhaps Godfrey could nip outside.
Good idea. Nip outside, Godfrey.
- It's an awful long way down. - Oh, get on with it!
Come on, Mr Godfrey.
Could anyone please shut the door?
It's all right, Godfrey. Now make haste.
Yes... Spring would appear to be a little late this year.
- What?! - I'm just trying to be a little bit nonchalant, sir. - Why?
- I don't want to put Godfrey off. - Rubbish! We're on active service. Godfrey can rough it.
- WHISTLE - Get him in!
Come on! Come on!
- That's it. - Well done, Godfrey.
- Sit down... - You're all right. Careful, you're kicking me.
- You all right, Mr Godfrey? - No, I'm afraid not.
"The owl and the pussycat went to sea...
"in a beautiful pea-green boat. They took some money..."
- Corporal! - Yes, sir? - Fall the men in. - Right, sir. Right, get ready, you blokes.
- This place looks deserted. - This is where the guard told us to get off.
- How do we know he was the guard? - He was wearing railway uniform.
That could be a trap. We must always be on our guard.
- Yes, but he got back on the train, sir. - Are you trying to be funny?
No, sir. Obviously, you're on edge. You haven't had any lunch, sir.
Let's see... "Sealed instructions for opening the sealed orders."
"Break seal on the sealed orders and destroy these instructions."
- Well, shan't be long now... - Have you got a map, sir?
Thank you.
Ah, yes, just as I thought. Perfectly straightforward.
- We're here... at X railway halt. - Mm.
Map reference...
- There's that hill. - Oh, yes.
And here's the battleschool map reference...
- It's only a mile away. We'll be there by tea-time. - Thank goodness.
- Platoon ready to march off, sir. - Thank you, Corporal.
- Where's Godfrey? - He's...he won't be a minute, sir.
He'll just have to catch us up.
Pay attention, men. As I know the way, I shall be well in front.
Sergeant Wilson, you bring up the the rear. Attention!
Slope...arms!
Right turn!
By the left, quick march!
Right wheel, forward!
WHISTLE POPULAR WAR SONG
Mark time.
Right wheel, forward!
Mark time.
Left wheel, forward!
Mark time.
Left wheel, forward!
Halt!
- I thought you said we'd be there by tea-time. - There's no need for sarcasm. I took the wrong turning.
Atten-shun! About turn!
Quick...march!
Left, left...
Right wheel, forward!
Aaaaahhh! Put me down!
SHOTS Blimey, it's the enemy!
Don't panic, don't panic. Where are they? I'll get 'em.
Where are they? Don't panic!
- Where is he? Where's Captain Mainwaring? - Look!
Aye, here's another one, boys. It's empty.
Cor blimey! What a dump!
Did he say this place was ????? It looks like a prison camp.
Do the Red Cross send parcels? Look at the time! 11 o'clock!
Four hours from the station and it's only a mile away!
- I don't think Captain Mainwaring knew the way. - No. Losing his way, then leading us into an ambush.
Yon fellow shouldn't be in charge of men!
He's no' fit! >
- Well, men, we got here. - Aye, we did. - Better late than never, eh?
Do you think this course includes map-reading this weekend?
- Walker! - Good evening, Captain. - 'Evening, sir.
You're too late for a meal. Supper finished 4 hours ago.
- Fall the men in, Sergeant. - Fall in, men, quick as you can.
It's all right, relax. We don't go in for formality here.
As you chaps know, this is a special Home Guard battleschool.
This is where we introduce you to guerilla warfare.
The man who's going to be in charge of you is...Captain Rodrigues there.
He's an expert in guerilla warfare. He fought in Spain in the Civil War, you know.
It's a dirty business. Has he washed since (?)
My job is to keep a parental eye, see you don't get knocked about too much.
Thank you very much, sir.
- Some of us aren't young. - Permission to speak, sir. - Yes?
Don't worry about us senior soldiers. We can take it, sir.
We're good with the cold steel, sir. They don't like it up 'em.
- They do not like... - All right, Jones. - Yes...that's the spirit.
I'll leave you in the capable hands of Captain Rodrigues. Carry on...
- Platoon, attention! - What?
Oh... Oh, jolly good.
- Platoon, at ease... - You can cut all that business out.
We do not do any of that arm-waving round here. All we do is teach you how to kill Nazis.
- That is all I'm interested in. Is that clear? - Perfectly clear. Is that clear to you, Sergeant?
- Yes, crystal clear. - Good. Are there any questions?
- I don't think so. Wilson? - What about food? - Ah, yes. When do we get a meal?
The canteen is closed 4 hours ago. MUTTERING But I always think of my men.
- Here, some carrots and onions. - Carrots and onions?!
- You live off the land. - Onions?
- What is wrong with onions? - I - always eat them. - I'd never have guessed.
Eat them while you can. They're getting scarce.
- You, old man. - Yes, sir? - See that pile of straw? - Yes, sir.
- With it you stuff you palliasse. - I beg your pardon?
Put it in your palliasse.
He's a bit continental, isn't he?
Right, you have a palliasse to lie on, a blanket to cover you, some carrots and onions to eat...
- What more could you want? - Absolutely nothing (!)
You better get some sleep. Here, we start early in the morning.
I've never seen anything like it! He is a Captain in the British army!
- He's more like an anarchist. - Thank God, he's on our side.
Now, men, we've got a strenuous weekend. When I give the command, fall out and fill them with straw.
- All right? - Aye, aye. - Here... All right, fall out!
Here, here! What a shambles. Straw to lie on and one blanket. We'll freeze to death!
I was so looking forward to this, and it turns out rotten!
- All right, Frank, all right. There's no need to blub. - I'm not. This straw's brought on my hay fever.
Eating raw carrots and onions will give me indigestion.
Don't worry, Mr Godfrey, I've got the old bicarb. We'll be all right.
- I'll dish out these carrots and onions. - Thank you very much.
I know that we've only got one blanket each so, as usual, we shall have to improvise.
I know how we can all keep warm. Why don't we all huddle together?
When the nights were cold out in the Sudan, we did a lot of huddling together.
I'm not too sure about that, Jones. Might be bad for discipline.
- Still, we could stretch a point. - I'm particular who I huddle up with.
I'm sure we all are. We'll feel better after we've slept.
- Here, sir, here's your palliasse. - Thank you very much.
Here we are...
Thank you very much, Godfrey.
- Uncle Arthur? - Yes? - I've finished my carrot and I'm still hungry.
You can have the rest of this. I've grown rather tired of it.
- Uncle Arthur... - Oh, what is it, Frank?
- I'm ever so cold. - What? - Can I cuddle up to you?
- Frankly, I'd rather you didn't. - I shall tell Mum.
Oh, all right then. ..Not too close, though.
- Mr Mainwaring? - Yes, what is it...?
Yes, what is it? Oh, it's you, Jones. What is it?
- Permission to whisper, sir? - Yes, what is it?
- I just wanted you to know I'm sorry everything went higgledy-piggledy for you today. - Thank you, Jones.
Not your fault, sir. Fortunes of war. You've always been a good officer to us.
- You've led us through thick and you've led us through thin, sir. - It's a lonely task being in command.
You have to learn to take the rough with the smooth.
- I want you to know I still got faith in you. - Thank you, Corporal. - Even if no-one else has.
- Goodnight, sir. - Crawler! >
EXPLOSION What's happening?! Where's my teeth?
Don't panic. Don't panic, anyone. Don't panic.
Oh, good morning, Captain. My, you gave us all a start... Bit early for that sort of thing.
It is not early. It is 10 to 9 ! The camp has been up for 2 hours!
- Gracious! We must have overslept. - You certainly did.
- I want you ready for training in ten minutes. - What about breakfast? - It's finished. UPROAR
During the time you are here every platoon is given the chance to capture my headquarters.
- No-one has been successful. - We'll do it, won't we, Mr Mainwaring?
This used to be a POW camp. My headquarters is surrounded by two fences - one electrified.
And it's patrolled by dogs. What sort?
Alsatians. And they do not get much to eat.
Don't worry, you've got the bicarb. That's good for hydrophobia, too.
- Fall in, men. - Jonesy... - Yes? - I'm starving.
- What can we do? - I'm gonna pop off and find some grub.
- There's no shops here. - There's a farm next door. They must have food in there. Leave it to me.
Pull your men forward, Capitan!
All right, men, forward!
Do not forget to keep your heads down. We are using live ammunition.
Wave the flag when you are ready. >
- Do you hear that, sir? Live ammunition. - Don't worry, Wilson.
- I assure you they wouldn't dare. Wave the flag. - Right, sir.
HAIL OF BULLETS
Blimey, it ain't half dark in here.
'Ere, you little blighter, come here. Cor blimey! Come here.
Hurry up! Get your men across the river, Captain. Hurry!
- It looks a bit deep to me, sir. - No, it's fine. We can cross here.
- Do you think that's wise, sir? - I can see the bottom. Forward!
Aaahhhh!
Are you all right, Mr Mainwaring?
GRUNTING
Wanna buy a bacon slicer?
Follow me, men!
I was just taking it across the road.
Come on, men, follow me.
Come on, Joe. Where d'you think you've been?
- 'Ere, cop hold of these. - Eggs! Where d'you get them?
Meat, stew, potatoes, carrots, pudding, jam.
All right, make it quick. You've only got 15 minutes.
We haven't got all night. Hurry!
I've told you before - hygiene!
Hurry! Move! Move!
I want soldiers, not boy scouts... Move! Move! Move!
Follow me, men... Aaargh!
- Where's Mr Mainwaring got to, sir? - No idea. One minute he was there, then he disappeared into thin air.
- Right, on your feet, we've got work to do. - Where have you been?
- What are we going to do? - Capture the camp headquarters.
It's surrounded by barbed wire!
- And an electrified fence! - And dogs! We can't do it!
Leave it to me. After all, I've never let you down yet, have I?
- Come on, Corporal. - Yes, sir.
(That's the game. Quickly!)
'Ere, look at this - corned beef, spam, sugar, tea. It's a treasure house.
It's the stores. Don't make a noise now.
What a bunch that platoon from Walmington-On-Sea are! >
I only hope they don't have to face the Germans! >
That Captain Mainwaring should go back to managing a bank. >
Impudence! All right, stand by...
- Excuse me, sir, should I stay here and protect the rear? - Good idea.
- Right, ready? - Do you think it's wise, sir?
Oh, really, Wilson! Right, NOW.
- Right, hands UP ! - Hands up now!
# We'll meet again, Don't know where, don't know when
# But I know we'll meet again some su-u-unny day!
# Some su-u-unny day! #
- An excellent weekend, don't you think, Wilson? - I do, indeed, sir.
- I'll never forget the look on that Spanish chap's face. - Amateur soldiers, huh?
I want to congratulate you, Captain Mainwaring. I never doubted you for a single minute.
I've said it once and I say it again. You're our inspiration, sir!
Do you think that Major Smith is going to recommend us to GHQ for being...being so good?
Yes, although personally I would rather see a more tangible reward.
- What's "tangible" mean, Jonesy? - You can get hold of it.
Right, get hold of this...
- Where d'you get all that stuff from? - I was protecting the rear, wasn't I?
Hang on, hang on... Two bob a time, eh?
Subtitles by Eithne Thomson BBC Scotland, 1992