1 00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:07,960 # Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 2 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:12,000 # If you think we're on the run? 3 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:17,080 # We are the boys who will stop your little game 4 00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:22,080 # We are the boys who will make you think again 5 00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:27,000 # 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 6 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:31,760 # If you think old England's done? 7 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:35,240 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21 8 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:41,400 # But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun 9 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:46,120 # So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 10 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:50,120 # If you think old England's done? # 11 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:58,960 SIREN SOUNDS 12 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:04,400 - What's that? What's that noise? - It's the all-clear, sir. 13 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:07,680 - Is it? - Yes. - What time is it? 14 00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:10,600 About six o'clock, sir. 15 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:13,120 Eighteen hundred hours. 16 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:17,840 No, no, sir. That's the night. Night. 17 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:22,200 - Well, isn't it night? - No, it's the morning. 18 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:28,440 - Is it? Why haven't you taken the blackout down? - Sorry, sir. 19 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:35,440 - Did you...manage to drop off, sir? - Oh, no, no. 20 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:42,760 - Really? I thought you did. Your eyes were closed. - Just resting them, Wilson. 21 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:49,480 - I wasn't asleep. - With all your responsibilities, sir, who would blame you? 22 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:57,040 - I did not sleep. - I'm sure you were fully alert. Even if you WERE snoring. 23 00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,920 Go and put the kettle on, Sergeant. 24 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:02,560 Right, sir, right. 25 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:22,440 - They'll be ready for a hot drink, poor devils, after being out all night. - It's rather absurd. 26 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:27,960 Just because somebody saw a parachute. It could've been ours. 27 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,680 It's hardly likely. 28 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:35,760 You very rarely read about any of ours being shot down. 29 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:43,360 - Maybe not, but common sense must tell you it happens. - I don't want that sort of talk. 30 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:48,760 Nazi planes going back were obviously stricken. 31 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:54,920 - One was very low, and still firing. - I think he hit the gasworks, sir. 32 00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:58,320 - You haven't lit it. - Pardon? Oh. 33 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:00,800 Ah, here they come. 34 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:08,920 - Better put our hats on. Can't let them see us improperly dressed. - Of course not. 35 00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:12,240 Left, right, left. Right wheel! 36 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:15,360 Right wheel! 37 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:18,360 Squad, mark time! 38 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:23,840 Put some guts into it. Pick 'em up, Godfrey. 39 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:28,600 - They won't go any higher. - Squad - halt! 40 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:31,080 Right turn! 41 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:34,040 As you were! 42 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:36,800 Left turn! 43 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:44,320 - Sorry, sir, got in a little bit of a muddle there, sir. - Yes. Carry on. - Right, sir. Squad... 44 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:47,920 Order arms! As you were! 45 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:55,080 Come on, boys. I know we've been on patrol all night, but snap to it, please! 46 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:57,600 Order arms! 47 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:03,440 Stand at - ease! That's better. 48 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:08,000 We don't want the men to get slack, sir. 49 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:12,680 - The worst thing you can do. - Thank you, Corporal. 50 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:17,520 - Hand in your ammunition. - We ain't got none, sir. - Why not? 51 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:23,160 - We engaged enemy aircraft with rapid fire. - You did what?! 52 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:28,280 It was so low, you could almost touch it. Jonesey fixed his bayonet. 53 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:33,400 - You sure it was one of theirs? - Oh, yes. It was a Heinkel, Uncle. 54 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:41,040 He loosed off his machine gun at Marks and Spencers. ..A Jewish firm, you know. 55 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:48,600 - I never knew that. - So we let him have it right up. And he did not like it, sir. 56 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:56,760 He weaved from side to side, then disappeared with black smoke coming from his engine. 57 00:04:56,760 --> 00:05:02,240 - You shot him down? - Either us or the two Spitfires on his tail. 58 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:10,600 Jones, you know we've only got five rounds each. If the enemy strikes tonight, we can't go out. 59 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:13,400 We've still got our bayonets. 60 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:18,560 And I've still got my rounds, sir. They were in my cardigan pocket. 61 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:22,640 When I got them out, the plane had gone. 62 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:28,200 One doesn't know whether to be pleased or sorry about that, sir. 63 00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:35,520 These buttonholes are too small. I know a geezer what'll fix 'em for a bob each. 64 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:40,880 - For new buttonholes? - No, he files down the buttons. 65 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:46,360 That'll do, Walker. We have to report this to HQ. 66 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:51,440 - In the meantime, the kettle's boiling. - I'm dying for a cup of tea. 67 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:59,120 - That comes later, Godfrey. Weapons first. Pull them through and boil them out. - H-e-y... 68 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:01,520 We were on guard all night. 69 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:09,600 - Yes. We've all been on our toes all night, Fraser. Haven't we? - In a manner of speaking, yes. 70 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:17,200 We're a fighting unit, and our first thought must be for our weapons. 71 00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:23,280 - Carry on, Sergeant. - All right, men, fall out. 72 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:30,320 - Do we have to tell them, sir? - We do if we want more ammunition. 73 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:38,200 - Excuse me, sir... This ammo, I could get it for you. - No, no... - How much? - A bob a round. 74 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:44,000 - No, no... - From where? - An Irish battalion. - They sell their ammunition? 75 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:50,840 - At 10 o'clock on a Saturday night, they'd sell you the Pope. - Go on! 76 00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:53,720 - Sorry I spoke. - Get out. 77 00:06:55,680 --> 00:07:02,800 If it's money you're worried about, we could organise a sort of whip round. 78 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:07,960 I won't hear of it. I'm reporting this to Headquarters. 79 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:13,440 It's a bit strong, Jonesey. We should have a cup of char first. 80 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:19,800 Regular soldiers can have a kip, but we've to work. You call what you do work? 81 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:28,240 Hang on. That whisky you get every week don't fall off a lorry of its own accord. 82 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:31,040 It has to be pushed. 83 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:38,240 - It's hard for people like me, who have to work with their brains all day. - Your brains? 84 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:43,360 All you've got to do is give some wallops with your chopper and keep your fingers out the way. 85 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:48,840 - That's that. - What did they say? - A clerk has taken the details. 86 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:56,320 - Will we get the ammunition? - They'll do their best. - Perhaps Walker could...hire it. 87 00:07:56,320 --> 00:08:04,160 - Perhaps on a sale or return basis. - This is a war, Wilson, not a Rotary Club dance! 88 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:11,720 - I'd better see how the men are. - Probably tired and thirsty. - Yes. I'll go and boost their morale. 89 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:18,440 - I wouldn't, if I were you. - You don't have the stomach for this job, Wilson. 90 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:23,520 Well, there you have the advantage of me, sir. 91 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:29,360 Right, how are we getting on? Barrels all bright and shiny? 92 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:35,560 - Having a little trouble, Corporal? - No, it's just got a bit stuck. 93 00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:40,920 - Let me have a try. - Right, sir. My arm's not as strong as it was. 94 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:48,360 - I'm not getting the joints to chop, you see, sir. - Just notice this, will you? 95 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:55,960 You get better purchase on it if you wrap the pull-through round your hand like this. 96 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,920 Give a sharp tug and...! 97 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,600 What have you got on the other end? 98 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,360 I think it's knotted. 99 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:11,600 Well, we'll just have to try some other method, won't we? 100 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:17,040 Here's a little wrinkle I picked up in the last conflict. 101 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:22,240 - Tie it to an immovable object. - Just like Roy Rogers ties his horse. 102 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:25,280 Like that, you see? 103 00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:29,680 Now, all we want is a sharp jerk... 104 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:37,120 I've just polished that! 105 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:41,720 Sorry, verger. We'll get it repaired for you. 106 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:47,480 - The vicar's gonna play merry hell when I tell him. - I'll talk to him. 107 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:52,760 He hasn't got over you doing bayonet practice during Evensong. 108 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:57,320 Bloodcurling, it was, right in the middle of his Responses. 109 00:09:57,320 --> 00:10:02,520 Let's find something more substantial. 110 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:05,480 Ah, this post will do. 111 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:11,000 If you pull that down, you'll pull the whole hall down. 112 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:15,800 - It's hardly likely to come down, Pike. - I hope not. 113 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:21,280 - Watch the officer now! - Is this wise, sir? - Please, Sergeant! 114 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:24,480 Right. Here we go. 115 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:26,920 Oh. 116 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:32,120 Sir, that seems to pose rather a problem, doesn't it? 117 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:40,160 - I'm aware of that, Sergeant. - Perhaps someone at Area Command... - He'd look a right fool going there. 118 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:45,800 - Sir, you could burn the string out. - It is a precision instrument, Pike! 119 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:50,800 There's millions of red ants in my window box. 120 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:57,040 - If you put some honey in the rifle, the ants might eat it away - in time. - Yes... 121 00:10:57,040 --> 00:11:00,440 We don't have that much time. 122 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:08,960 - What about a teaspoon of Harpic? That shifts most things. - Bring me a stair rod, will you? 123 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:13,920 'Ere, that's parish property. Here y'are, sir. Vandals! 124 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:18,960 Right, ram it down. Give it a tap or two, Fraser. 125 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:27,040 Oh, yes, that's much better, Fraser. 126 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:32,200 Well, there you are, Corporal. 127 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:37,400 We've made a start. 128 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:42,680 Where's my Frank? Here, Mum. Where on earth have you been? 129 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:47,680 We've been shooting at aeroplanes. Have you washed your face? I told you... 130 00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:54,880 Come on, I'll give it a go with a flannel. I have to boil my rifle. 131 00:11:54,880 --> 00:12:02,680 Mr Mainwaring, Frank's coming home. It's a disgrace, you keeping him out all night with a dirty face. 132 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:08,760 Mrs Pike, stop interfering with the running of my platoon. 133 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:14,800 Then you should run it better. Frank, show Mr Mainwaring your hands. 134 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:18,840 Oh, Mum! Show him your hands, Frank. 135 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,360 Ah-ah! 136 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:29,040 - Look at that. Do you go about with hands like that, Mr Mainwaring? - That's nothing to do with it. 137 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:36,640 - And what on earth are you doing? - Don't concern yourself. It's jammed. - Give it here. 138 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:42,280 No wonder it's jammed. There's a bit of string stuck in it. 139 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,400 Come along, Frank. 140 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:56,920 - I've found another one, Mr Jones. - Keep at it, we need every cartridge case we can find, 141 00:12:56,920 --> 00:13:02,840 so as they can replace them. Come on, Joe, give us a hand. 142 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:08,000 - I picked mine up as I fired them. - Why didn't you hand them in? 143 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:11,600 I couldn't, could I? Want a light? 144 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:18,120 - Ah, good, Wilson. Well worthwhile. - Yes, sir. 145 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:23,280 The lads are in favour of buying the stuff from Walker. 146 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:28,240 I will not be a party to that! Anyway, it's too late. 147 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:35,760 - Put those in the cupboard as evidence. - Evidence? - For the Court of Inquiry. 148 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:43,720 - Area have ordered us to enquire into the loss of 75 rounds of ammunition. - Oh, dear. 149 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,320 Dear, oh dear. 150 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:49,800 Oh dear. 151 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:53,200 Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. 152 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:58,320 - What on earth's the matter? - Nothing, sir. 153 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:06,400 - But for a few paltry bob, we could have hushed it up. - Look, honesty is the best policy. 154 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:12,720 Not like the General to convene a Court of Inquiry for this little thing. 155 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:17,800 It was this pompous little Captain fellow - Mainwaring. 156 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:22,080 He said... he couldn't cover anything up. 157 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:27,080 Damn nuisance! I've got tickets for Leslie Henson tonight. 158 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:32,120 I'm taking a WREN. Commissioned? Sort of Midshipwoman. 159 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:35,880 Trust the navy. We'll cut it short then, okay? 160 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:41,320 You bet. I'm having a 5/- austerity dinner at the Ritz. Taking a FANY. 161 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:44,320 Commissioned? 162 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:48,240 I don't know. They all look alike to me. 163 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:55,400 - What shall we do with this, Uncle Arthur? - I don't know. Put it anywhere. 164 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:59,560 Across the door? No, you couldn't get in. 165 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:07,000 Perhaps Captain Mainwaring would drape it around himself, like Britannia. 166 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:11,920 I don't think that's very funny, Walker. 167 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:14,960 Put it over the table. 168 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:20,600 We've got two officers coming from Area Command. 169 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:25,000 I could get you some Coronation beer mugs. 170 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:28,800 George VI with a crown on his head. Six bob each. 171 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:33,800 This is a Court of Inquiry, Walker. Nobody will be swilling beer. 172 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:39,000 Lance Corporal Jones reporting for duty, sir. 173 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:42,240 Yes, Cor... 174 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:44,920 What in heaven's name is that? 175 00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:52,480 Full dress uniform, sir. Lord Kitchener liked this when anyone was on a fizzer. 176 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:57,680 This red coat's been worn by the British Army for 200 years. 177 00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:03,920 Trouble is, the red shows up and lots of men got shot, sir. 178 00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:11,080 One hot day in India, when the air was all dusty, some of the men put dust on them, 179 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:16,560 and they didn't get shot. Hence the expression "khaki". 180 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:23,360 That's an old Urdu word, sir, meaning dust. Hence another expression... 181 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,360 All right, all right. 182 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:29,360 I've brought you my sword, sir. 183 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:35,480 - What for? - In the navy, it goes in front of the Senior Officer. 184 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:41,800 - If we're gonna do this, let's do it right. - That's right, sir. 185 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:48,400 We always gave the fuzzy-wuzzies a fair trial before we shot them. 186 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:52,680 You point it at the man if he's guilty. 187 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:56,160 That would be a little difficult, Fraser. 188 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:59,160 I've been using it to make toast. 189 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:02,240 Well, thank you, Fraser. 190 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:07,840 But I think we'll hold that in reserve. Pay attention, men. 191 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:14,840 Some of you may think I've let you down by bringing in Area Command. 192 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:20,320 But to defend our homes, we've got to have ammunition. 193 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:28,280 - And this is the only way we are going to get it. - Excuse me, sir, this has just come. 194 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:32,320 - It's the ammunition. - Yes, later, Pike. 195 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:40,080 Now... Ah, well, they must've been impressed by the correct way we tackled this problem. 196 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:44,200 - Right, dish it out, Sergeant. - Right, sir. 197 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:49,840 Excuse me, sir. Two officers from HQ are outside. Very pleasant. 198 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:53,880 Really? Sergeant! Call the witnesses in. 199 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:57,760 Send them in, Godfrey, please. 200 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:03,120 Now look here, Captain Mainwaring, I hear you pulled my banister down. 201 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:06,400 Wanton vandalism, it was. 202 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:09,840 We will be responsible for the repair. 203 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:16,360 - I wish you'd show more consideration, Captain. - There IS a war on, Vicar. 204 00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:20,880 - This way, gentlemen. - Good afternoon, gentlemen. 205 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:26,560 The damage is bein' done by the ones on OUR side. That'll do. 206 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:31,200 - You've always been a troublemaker. - All right, Corporal. 207 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:36,600 - He takes the collection home to count it. - Ohhhh! 208 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:42,920 - Why don't you count it in the church? - Jones, go out and see to the men. 209 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,600 Very good, sir. 210 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:54,720 - Everything's ready, gentlemen. Vicar, I have a Court of Inquiry here. - And I have a meeting. 211 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:58,160 We'd better discuss this later. 212 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:02,120 Vandals. 213 00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:05,640 Why DO you take the collection home? 214 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:10,760 Sorry about that. Bit of trouble with a civil power. 215 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:13,320 - Mainwaring. - Pringle. 216 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:18,760 - How do you do? - Cutts. - Captain. - We're keen to bash on, Captain. 217 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:25,480 - We both have urgent affairs to attend to. - Right. We'll make a start. 218 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:33,480 - Permission to speak, sir. I've seen to the men, sir. - Stand by to show in the witnesses. 219 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:36,760 Sgt Wilson will take the evidence. 220 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:45,680 I'll just read the order convening the court. 221 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:49,360 The Court of Inquiry will assemble... 222 00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:56,640 at 1700 hours on Monday 12th May, to enquire into the loss of 75 rounds of 300 ammunition 223 00:19:56,640 --> 00:20:02,840 by No. 1 Platoon, B Company, Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard. 224 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:07,600 Er...excuse me... We're holding a Court of Inquiry. 225 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:15,160 - Oh, I'm sorry. Has the vicar's meeting been cancelled? - No, he's in the office. 226 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:20,920 Oh, yes, he'd have let me know. Do you mind if I go through? 227 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:24,040 No, carry on. Help him, Sergeant. 228 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:31,120 - It's nice to see you up and about again, Mr Blewitt. - I'm much better now. 229 00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:36,800 - We missed seeing you in the bank. - I was 16 weeks with my leg up. 230 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:45,000 - May we carry on? - Of course. Quick as you can, Sergeant. - He's not as young as he was. 231 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,760 I'm younger than you are! 232 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:53,200 - The Court of Inquiry... - Shall we take it as read? - Very well. 233 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:59,320 - Can we call the first witness? - Permission to speak, sir. 234 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:07,120 - Yes, Corporal. - I'd like to volunteer to call the first witness, sir. - Call Private Walker. - Yes, sir. 235 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,680 Call Private Walker. 236 00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:12,680 Call Private Walker. 237 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:19,120 I've called Private Walker, sir. 238 00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:26,240 Now, look here, Walk... 239 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:34,080 - Is this the vicar's meeting? - No, it's through there. 240 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:40,160 Oh, he didn't tell me that. I'll show you the way. 241 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:47,560 - Is this going to continue? - I'll post a man on the door. 242 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:53,080 - Sergeant, what are you doing? - I've mislaid my pencil, sir. 243 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:56,240 For heaven's sake, borrow this. 244 00:21:56,240 --> 00:22:01,680 - See that nobody else comes in, Corporal. - Very good, sir. 245 00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:09,680 - Now, Walker, we're enquiring into the loss of... - Right, sir, I've seen no-one else comes in. 246 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:15,120 - Start giving your evidence. Name? - Jones. 247 00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:18,600 Not you. Sit over there. 248 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:21,440 Very good, sir. 249 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,080 Name? 250 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:29,360 Joe Walker. Wholesale supplier, scrap dealer. Also private, sir. 251 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:36,400 - Now what happened? - Shouldn't this man be on oath? - He doesn't HAVE to be. 252 00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:42,960 If you do things the right way, there's no comeback. Bible, please, Wilson. 253 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:48,960 Well, I haven't got a bible, sir. 254 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:53,440 - I told you to provide one. - You never did. 255 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:58,600 I ordered it when we decided to get more milk. 256 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:08,320 I know where I could lay me hands on one. A quid. Gold lettering. No rubbish. 257 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:13,400 - Get the one out of the church. - It's chained up. 258 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:17,800 - Why not nip in there, do the swearing? - Sir...! 259 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:24,840 - Yes? - In the office there's a book by Baden-Powell. He wore a boy scout hat, sir. 260 00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:28,560 - We could swear on that. - On the hat? 261 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:36,360 - No, he's written a book called "Scouting for Boys". - Really! - Let's just get on with it. 262 00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:39,080 Perhaps we should, yes. 263 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:44,200 I could get you 75 rounds of ammunition by 8 o'clock tonight. 264 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:51,560 - Stand to attention! Get on with it. - Well, we were just swannin' around... 265 00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:57,920 when this dirty great Heinkel comes out the sky. I said to Jones, "Look..." 266 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:03,560 - Wait, Walker. I've only got to "swanning around". - Just carry on. 267 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:12,480 I said, "Hey, Jonesey, look at that." "What?" he said. I said, "The Heinkel". But Jonesey... 268 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:18,720 - Well, he can't see too well, an' he's a bit deaf... - Oi, I heard that! 269 00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:21,280 Corporal, kindly leave the room. 270 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:28,200 - Yes, sir. - Let's just keep to the point. - I'm in the next room, sir. 271 00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:33,320 - About the shooting... - We shot at it. 272 00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:38,080 We'll need a teeny-weeny bit more detail. 273 00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:45,760 - I was giving him more detail. - Tell us about loading the rifles. - Who gave the order to fire? 274 00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,320 Jonesey, sir. 275 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:54,800 - Put that down. Jones gave the order to fire. - CHOIR SINGING 276 00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:59,920 - What in heaven's name is that? - I'll deal with this. 277 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:05,040 Excuse me... 278 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:07,680 Vicar... Excuse me... 279 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:13,080 I've got a Court of Inquiry in there. We can't have all this. 280 00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:20,520 - This IS the church's hall, Mr Mainwaring. - It's been requisitioned. - Not this room. 281 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:27,560 - Even so. - If you can do bayonet practice in the middle of my Responses, 282 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,320 I can do my Jubilante now! 283 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:36,840 Now, look, Vicar... You and I are standing shoulder to shoulder 284 00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,520 facing a common enemy. 285 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:46,320 - Surely we can cooperate? - Oh, very well. We'll do a quiet one. 286 00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:53,960 "Lord, now lettest Thou Thy servant depart in peace." Nothing personal, Mr Mainwaring. 287 00:25:55,800 --> 00:26:01,200 - I don't think we'll have any more interruptions. - THUNDER 288 00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:07,640 They've come back. Wilson, stand the men to. Stand by the sandbags. 289 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:10,440 Excuse me. 290 00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:15,080 Take cover, Vicar. Everyone under cover. 291 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:22,240 - It's only thunder, sir. It wasn't a bomb. - Really? 292 00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:29,840 - Your journey wasn't really necessary, was it? - Terribly sorry, gentlemen. Carry on. 293 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:33,440 Corporal, get these men out of here. 294 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:38,040 We're getting soaked to the skin out there. 295 00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:41,520 Couldn't we use our umbrellas? 296 00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:45,960 If I get wet, my mum'll play merry hell. 297 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:51,160 - Shall we adjourn for half an hour? - Oh, no. No, we should continue. 298 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:57,240 - But the witnesses are listening. - Why don't the platoon demonstrate? 299 00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,840 A wizard idea! 300 00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:02,920 Very well. Show us what happened. 301 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:08,360 Well, when I saw the plane, I remembered what you said to do. 302 00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:14,000 - And what you said about a khaki handkerchief for camouflage. - Yes. 303 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:21,200 Well, we didn't have time for all that rubbish. We scattered, didn't we, boys? 304 00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:28,600 - I was about to give the order... - FAINT SOUND OF CHOIR - I was just... 305 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:33,840 - What's the matter, Corporal? - I think I'm going, sir. 306 00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:38,200 I hear angels' voices. 307 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:40,880 It's the choir in the office! 308 00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:46,640 Well, if that's what it's like to go, I like it. 309 00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:53,200 - Have I got to take all this down? - No, no. What happened next? 310 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:58,440 - We remembered what you taught us, sir. - Come on, boys, show 'em. 311 00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:03,680 Just like you said, sir. Swing with the plane, boys. 312 00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:10,200 - And then I gave the order - shoot! - No, not shoot. Fire! 313 00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:15,840 VANDALS!