1 00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:08,040 # Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 2 00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:12,680 # If you think we're on the run? 3 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:18,040 # We are the boys who will stop your little game 4 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:22,560 # We are the boys who will make you think again 5 00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:27,440 # Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 6 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:31,760 # If you think old England's done? 7 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:36,040 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21 8 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:41,120 # But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun 9 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:46,200 # So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 10 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:50,040 # If you think old England's done? # 11 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:55,640 - KNOCK ON DOOR - Come in. 12 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,680 - Evening, sir. - Evening. 13 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:04,760 - Where's Mr Mainwaring? - I'm afraid we've got the auditors at the bank. 14 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:08,720 - He's clearing up one or two points. - I see. 15 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:16,000 - I can't wait. I've got two other units to visit. Could you give him a message for me? - Certainly, sir. 16 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,800 Bit awkward. Don't know how to start. 17 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:23,000 - Well, would you care to sit down? - Thank you. 18 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:27,880 How long has Mr Mainwaring been a captain? 19 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:32,880 - Since we started. - Since you were Local Defence Volunteers? - Yes. 20 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:38,080 - There were no commissions in the LDV. - Weren't there? - No. 21 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:44,400 Home Guard officers were granted a commission in February. How did he become a captain? 22 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,080 I...I think he sort of... 23 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:49,800 made himself one. 24 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:58,120 - I wondered why, as a captain, he was only in charge of a platoon. - Is that wrong? 25 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:02,640 It IS usual to have a lieutenant in charge of a platoon. 26 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:07,240 - I see. - We're just beginning to sort out these ranks. 27 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:13,280 He never WAS a captain, so I'm afraid we'll have to take one of his pips off. 28 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:16,120 - Will you tell him? - Yes. I'll do that. 29 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:21,200 - Tell him that I'll confirm it in writing. - Right. Yes. 30 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:25,120 Only a lieutenant. Mmm. 31 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:27,680 Fancy that! 32 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,760 - Sergeant, your cup of char. - Ah! 33 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:38,120 - Thank you very much indeed. - You look like the cat that's got the cream. What's up? - Oh, nothing! 34 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:39,760 Nothing! 35 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:43,800 Oh, I got your what's-its-name. 36 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,040 Thank you. 37 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:55,000 - You don't half look happy, Sergeant. - You know how it is! 38 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,120 Oh, yes. 39 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:03,760 Yes. 40 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:07,120 - Mainwaring... - CLEARS HIS THROAT 41 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:13,120 I'm afraid I've got some rather bad news for you. 42 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:19,120 Mainwaring, brace yourself for a shock, you know. Oh, yes. 43 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:21,600 Yes. 44 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:25,840 I'm afraid, Mainwaring, 45 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:30,120 one of those little pips has got to come off. 46 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,200 Oh, yes. 47 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:34,280 Good evening... 48 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,920 LIEUTENANT Mainwaring. 49 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,640 - How are you? - Hello, Wilson. 50 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:49,160 Well, you'll be pleased to hear that I've got the drill sergeant for us. 51 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:56,200 - What drill sergeant? - Don't you remember anything? I said that the platoon was sloppy. 52 00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:58,920 He'll be drilling us on Friday. 53 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:01,600 I think he'll be a good man. 54 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,120 What have you got on your head? 55 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:09,680 A beret, sir. Rather suits me, don't you think? 56 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:15,760 - You're not supposed to wear that. - No? - They're for officers only. Take it off! 57 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:20,120 The Home Guard is now an organised fighting unit. 58 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:25,240 People can't just promote themselves to any fancy rank. 59 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:32,080 Funny you should say that. Captain Bailey said that. 60 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:35,720 - He was here? - Yes. - Usual red tape nonsense? 61 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:40,760 - Yes. He just wanted you to take off one of your pips. - Is that all? 62 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:42,880 ..WHAT?! 63 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:47,680 He said that you're not a captain, you're only a lieutenant. 64 00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:51,400 - Are you trying to be funny? - No, sir! 65 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:54,200 We'll soon settle this. 66 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:55,760 Upstart! 67 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:59,520 Give me Eastgate 166, please. 68 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:06,200 Pity he's got nothing better to do. And you've nothing better to do than listen to him! 69 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:07,840 ..Hello? 70 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:11,680 It's Mainwaring here. 71 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:15,760 CAPTAIN Mainwaring. Walmington-on-Sea. 72 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,520 There's been some mistake. 73 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:25,200 Captain Bailey was in here earlier and he's left some garbled story with my sergeant. 74 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:32,280 It's quite possible HE could have got it wrong. Something about taking a pip off. 75 00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:33,840 What? 76 00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:36,520 Yes. I thought so. 77 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:39,440 Thank you very much. Goodbye. 78 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:44,760 Right, Wilson, what's the game? 79 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:48,160 Game? 80 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:53,680 Yes. Telling me that I'm not a captain any more! 81 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:59,760 - Who did you talk to there, sir? - The sergeant - who knew nothing about it. - Oh? 82 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:05,200 - Well? I'm waiting for your explanation. - Well, I... 83 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:07,840 I'm forced to say... 84 00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:12,200 that you've confirmed a suspicion 85 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:17,280 that's been in my mind for some weeks. You're jealous of me! 86 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,360 Jealous, sir? 87 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:24,440 Don't think I haven't noticed those glances at my hat. 88 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:29,200 That's why you bought a beret - to keep up with me. 89 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:35,480 - You'd give anything to be in my shoes, wouldn't you? - You're quite wrong! 90 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:40,520 I'd just as soon serve as a sergeant or a humble private. 91 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:44,600 These pips don't mean... THAT to me! 92 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:48,200 - PHONE RINGS - Hello. Home Guard. 93 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,840 It's for you, sir. 94 00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:53,360 Mainwaring here. 95 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:55,840 Oh, hello, sir. 96 00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:58,520 Yes. I spoke to the sergeant. 97 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:01,200 ..He'd only just come on duty? 98 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:03,840 What? I don't quite... 99 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:06,520 He hadn't been told what? 100 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,200 Yes, sir. 101 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,840 But surely... Yes, sir. 102 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:24,480 I'm sorry, sir. I really am! 103 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:38,200 - Excuse me, sir, can I help? - No. I don't think so, Godfrey. 104 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:43,280 Don't forget, I was in gent's outfitting for 35 years, sir. 105 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:48,360 - I don't think that would be of use to me. - At least let me try. 106 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:53,440 - What's the trouble? - I'm taking a pip off each shoulder. - Oh, yes. 107 00:07:53,440 --> 00:08:00,200 - Trouble is, you can always see the marks where the pip's been. - Yes. I know! 108 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:07,280 - Why ARE you taking it off, sir? - I can't go into it now. Don't say anything to the men about this. 109 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:10,000 - About what, sir? - Never mind. 110 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,680 Go home, Godfrey. 111 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:21,840 Nearly time to dismiss the parade. ..Oh, I see you've taken them off. 112 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:24,520 Yes, yes, I've taken them off. 113 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:31,640 - Don't say anything to the men. - They'll find out. - Then I shall find a way that they won't find out! 114 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:36,200 - You must have been seeing things. - No. I helped him. 115 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,760 - Maybe he's been promoted. - That's it! 116 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:46,200 Major. He's taken them three pips off to put a crown up. 117 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:49,440 Oh, blimey! He was pompous enough as a captain! 118 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:55,200 Come along, please. What have I got to say? 119 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,720 Yes. Right. At ease. 120 00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:00,760 Can't wait to see what's on his shoulders! 121 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:03,280 Walker. Please. 122 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:05,720 Platoon, attention! 123 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:12,600 Ready for inspection, sir. 124 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:18,840 Eyes front, Frazer. 125 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:24,920 - Permission to speak, sir. - Yes? 126 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:30,200 Why are you wearing that shoulder protector. Is that standard dress? 127 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,840 No. I'm just testing them out. 128 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:38,200 - Anything wrong with that? - No, sir. I like it! 129 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:45,360 - A word about... - Excuse me, sir! - Yes? - You cannae take a parade wi' your badges covered up. 130 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:51,600 You've told us yersel', it's not the man we salute but the King's commission. 131 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:57,520 We can't see your badge or rank. You'll have to take it off! 132 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:06,200 - Very well. You might as well know the truth... - Mr Mainwaring, sir! 133 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,920 Mr Mainwaring, sir! 134 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:13,760 - What is it, Verger? - The Bismarck's been sunk! - What?! 135 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:19,000 The German battleship, Bismarck, has been sunk. News just came through! 136 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:26,440 I'll tell the Reverend. I don't know how he'll take it. 137 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,200 Dismissed! 138 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:34,480 - That's good news. - Yes. The Navy saved your bacon! 139 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:44,200 - KNOCK ON DOOR - Come in! 140 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,760 Ah, good evening, sir. 141 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:52,840 - Evening. Mainwaring not here yet? - I'm afraid not. He's still with the auditors. 142 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:54,720 Pity. 143 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:59,560 - How did he take last night? - Take what? - His pips off! 144 00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:04,720 Well, he...he just cut them off. With a penknife. 145 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:10,120 - No, no! How did it affect him? - He was terribly cut up. 146 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:15,520 - Yes. It makes my task even more difficult. - What task? 147 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:22,160 Well, when...eh... Mainwaring phoned up GHQ last night, we began to look into things. 148 00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:27,240 It appears he hasn't even been commissioned as a lieutenant. 149 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:30,680 I'm afraid I don't quite understand. 150 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:36,320 Simple. He has no rank, so he has no authority over this platoon. 151 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:43,400 - It's all in that letter. Give it to him, will you? - Yes, sir. - By the way, in the meantime... 152 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,080 YOU'LL be in charge. 153 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:52,240 ..Until I can make other arrangements. 154 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:57,320 - Good news about the Bismarck, wasn't it? - Awfully good. 155 00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:00,080 CAPTAIN MAINWARING CAN BE HEARD 156 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:05,800 - Think I'll go out this way. Give him that letter, won't you? - Yes. 157 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,240 - Hello, Wilson. - Hello, sir. 158 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:15,520 - Everything all right? - Yes. Quite all right. 159 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:20,920 - Get the men together. I want to talk to them. - Before you... - No. 160 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:26,000 - No use putting it off. They must know I'm now a lieutenant. - Yes. 161 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:33,520 - Ours is not to reason why. - I DO think you ought to read this letter from Captain Bailey. 162 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:36,160 - Has he been here again? - Yes. 163 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:40,520 Anybody would think he didn't want to see me. 164 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:46,760 I think if you don't mind, sir, I'll...eh...I'll just go and do something else. 165 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:49,520 - All right. - Right. 166 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:00,720 - BANG! - My God, he's shot himself! 167 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:09,920 Sorry about that bang, Mr Wilson. Mr Godfrey had one up the spout and it went off by accident. 168 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:12,760 Nobody was hurt, Mr Mainwaring. 169 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:15,520 Nobody was... 170 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:23,280 - What's the matter with...? - He's had a shock. Perhaps you could help me. 171 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:27,520 - Sit down. - Didn't think rifle fire would affect him. 172 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:34,320 I can't get over it! Mr Mainwaring was never an officer. 173 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:37,000 He's not an officer at all! 174 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,680 I wonder how he's taking it. 175 00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:45,160 He was awful at work. Mr Wilson had to push the post underneath the door. 176 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:49,600 We're gonna miss him. 177 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:54,880 Serves him right. He struts about the place like a peacock. 178 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:57,560 There you all are. 179 00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:00,800 Just fall in. In three ranks! 180 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,720 - Come on, Walker! - All right! 181 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:07,480 Come on. Just listen to me. 182 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:12,000 Now, before we go on with any...eh... 183 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,720 ..any rifle exercises... 184 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:24,000 I should tell you that I've been put in charge of this platoon until they appoint a new officer. 185 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:29,360 - You're gonna be leading us on the exercise on Sunday? - Yes. 186 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:38,560 - What's happening to Mr Mainwaring? - He's no longer a member of this platoon. - That isn't accurate. 187 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:47,000 When I was informed that I was no longer your commanding officer, 188 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:51,560 my first reaction was to go away quietly. 189 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:56,640 Then I thought the defence of this town must come first. 190 00:14:56,640 --> 00:15:00,720 This country needs every man it can get. 191 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:06,000 I was very proud to lead you as Captain Mainwaring. 192 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:13,320 I shall be equally proud to march in your rank as Private Mainwaring. That's all. 193 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,360 TRUMPETING 194 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:23,480 Never you mind, Mr Mainwaring. You'll always be CAPTAIN as far as I'm concerned. 195 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:28,840 Form a little rank beside me, my dear sir. 196 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,880 Move over, Mr Godfrey. 197 00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:42,360 - That was beautiful, that was. Beautifully done. - Very good indeed, sir. 198 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,200 Sycophants! 199 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:47,560 You haven't got a rifle. 200 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:51,600 All right. Here you are, sir. Here you are. 201 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:58,920 - Now, sir, are you quite sure that you want to go through with this? - I thought I made that clear. - Right. 202 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:03,720 In that case, platoon... Are you ready, sir? 203 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:07,760 - Get on with it! - Platoon, atten-shun! 204 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:08,880 Stand at ease! 205 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,600 I used to have that trouble. 206 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,920 - I'm all right now. - Yes, all right. 207 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,600 Platoon, atten-shun! 208 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:23,440 Blast! 209 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:27,640 I think you've put me off, Mr Mainwaring! 210 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:33,000 - That was so much better, sir. - It wasn't. Do it again, Wilson. 211 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,600 Platoon, stand at... 212 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,760 Platoon, stand at... 213 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,760 Just...eh...just wait for it, sir. 214 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:46,360 Stand at ease! 215 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,040 Platoon... 216 00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:49,680 atten-shun! 217 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:56,040 It took Jonesey a year to get it, and Mainwaring's put him right back! 218 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:58,000 < Quiet! 219 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:01,760 - Is the platoon ready? - Ready for what? 220 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:05,840 - Drill! I'm supposed to drill you. - I told you! 221 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:10,720 - Stop talking! Now, let's have a look... - Are you sure... 222 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:15,760 - you wouldn't rather just fall out, sir? - Have no fear... - "Sir"? 223 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:21,040 - It's awkward... - What is he? A knight(?) A rough night! 224 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:28,440 Ain't you got no sense of humour? Come on, have a good laugh, get some air in your lungs! 225 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,200 I do a lot of laughing, I do. 226 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:40,400 I should think you lot would give me a few chuckles before the evening's over. 227 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:46,440 What are you laughing at? I'm not really laughing. It's my normal expression. 228 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,840 The only thing about you that IS normal. 229 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,520 < Look to the front! Head up! 230 00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:55,800 < Not that high! Think you're a Bisto Kid? 231 00:17:55,800 --> 00:18:02,000 No use looking at the ground. There's nothing there. I know - I've been all over it. 232 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,520 What a 'orrible lot! 233 00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:10,600 - You an old soldier, are you? - Yes, Sergeant. I've been all through. - I'll bet(!) 234 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:15,040 Well, Kitchener may need you but I don't. 235 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:21,840 I don't know what I'm doing here. I should be doing something useful, like drilling soldiers. 236 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:24,880 Hey, you! Where did you get that hat? 237 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:29,840 - I beg your pardon? - That hat! - Hat? - On your 'ead! - I bought it. 238 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:36,360 Bought it?! It's an officer's hat! You got no business wearing an officer's hat! 239 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:39,040 Who do you think you are? 240 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,760 Stomach in...chin in... Both of 'em! 241 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:48,600 Why aren't you in the Army? I was. I got me ticket. 242 00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:52,040 What for? Allergic to corned beef! 243 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:56,840 You've got "malingerer" written all over you. 244 00:18:56,840 --> 00:19:00,120 You're due for the Army soon, ain't you? 245 00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:06,200 I wanna go in the Navy, but me mum says I'm too delicate. Oh, dear(!) 246 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:11,200 What's wrong with you? I've got a chest. Really? 247 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,840 YOU'D LOOK FUNNY WITHOUT ONE! 248 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:18,040 I've got a cure for that - running on the spot. 249 00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:23,120 You look like some foreign nancy-boy treading grapes! Up! Up! 250 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:26,040 - And you! Up! Up! Up! - Up! Up! Up! 251 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,840 - Not YOU! - Up! Up! Up! 252 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:31,440 - Up! Up! Up! - HALT! 253 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:34,200 But I like it, I like it, sir. 254 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,040 We got a keen one here, have we? 255 00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:43,120 You'd better not. I wouldn't like any harm to come to you. 256 00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:48,200 - You remind me of my granddad. - Really? - Yes. He died five years ago. 257 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:54,760 - When they dug him up he looked better than you do now! - You're going too far, Sergeant. 258 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,360 I beg your pardon? 259 00:19:57,360 --> 00:20:03,440 - I said, you're going too far. - His Lordship again! Says I'm going too far. 260 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:09,320 YOU'RE going too far, but you ain't gonna get anywhere! Up! Up! Up! 261 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:12,200 Mr Mainwaring was our officer. 262 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:14,840 Officers, I hate 'em! 263 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,520 Up! Up! Up! Up! Halt! 264 00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,600 Hold that. 265 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,680 Stand at...ease! 266 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,520 Platoon... Wait for it! 267 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,760 Platoon... 268 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:31,600 atten-shun! 269 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:34,280 ..You're a bit behind. 270 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:36,960 You glamorous knight(!) 271 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:43,080 VERY FAST: Stand up straight, chins in, chest out, stomachs in... 272 00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:45,760 Excuse me. Would you repeat that? 273 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:52,640 Slope...arms! 274 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,560 Oh, give it here! 275 00:20:55,560 --> 00:21:00,640 Watch me, and when I've done it, do it exactly as I do. Understand? 276 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:03,320 Slope...arms! 277 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:06,400 One, two, three! One, two, three! One! 278 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,160 Right! 279 00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:11,800 Slope... 280 00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:13,400 arms! 281 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,560 One, two, three! One, two, three! One! 282 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:27,160 - Have you seen anything of the enemy? - Not as yet, Mr Wilson. 283 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:33,240 In that case, we'd better send out a scout. We don't want to run into an ambush. 284 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:40,320 - I'd like to volunteer for that, Mr Wilson. Let me be your scout. - All right. Very well, then. 285 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:45,400 In that case, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like you to run...over there... 286 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:50,160 to that little thing, that little humpty, have a look... 287 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:57,240 - and if you can't see the Eastgate platoon... - The SOUTHGATE platoon. - It doesn't matter what it is. 288 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:02,320 If it's all clear, give us the signal and we'll come on. 289 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:08,960 Very well, Mr Wilson. I'll go running up there... and I will go to the humpty. 290 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:15,160 - And if there's no enemy present, I will signal you and you'll come on. - Yes. 291 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:17,640 Off you go. 292 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:29,280 I don't think you should have sent him. 293 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:35,640 - I couldn't stop him. - Mr Mainwaring wouldn't have done that. - Oh, Lord! 294 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:24,880 All clear. Look. 295 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:33,560 - Why's he signalling with his trousers? - He always overdoes everything! 296 00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:38,640 All right. Come on. Let's go. Come on, Godfrey. Can you manage? 297 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:04,560 What a terrible disgrace - letting ourselves be wiped out like that! 298 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:09,640 They'll be no platoon left for the new officer to take charge of! 299 00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:12,360 Hear that, Jonesey? 300 00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:18,560 - I heard it. The platoon's at rock bottom. - If only we had Mr Mainwaring back. 301 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:24,280 Joe, what about it? 302 00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:29,720 It's no good looking at ME, mate. This time I'M stumped. 303 00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:32,560 Hey, I've got an idea. 304 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:36,360 Well, why shouldn't I have one? 305 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,200 "Dear sir, permission to write. 306 00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:53,560 "As an old soldier of 30 years' service and a member of the Royal Antidiluvian Order of Buffalos, 307 00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:58,200 "may I put in a good word for our late captain? 308 00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:03,280 "His reduction in rank has had a shattering effect on our morals..." 309 00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:07,560 "Dear sir, as the youngest member of the platoon, 310 00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:14,640 "I would like to say what a fine soldier, officer and gentleman Mr Mainwaring is...are... 311 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:18,040 "..was. 312 00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:20,640 "My mum says..." 313 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:25,720 "Dear sir, may I most humbly and respectfully beg to place before you 314 00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:30,800 "the following facts for consideration at your convenience? 315 00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:33,560 "Mr Mainwaring has always..." 316 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:40,640 "Dear sir, this caper of slashing our officer, Captain Mainwaring, down to size, is not much bottle. 317 00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:44,720 "Fair do's is what I says. J. Walker, esq. 318 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:50,800 "P.S. If a couple of bottles of Scotch would tip the balance, you're on." 319 00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:56,640 Here, Jock, aren't you going to write a letter? 320 00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:59,360 I'll do it when I get home. 321 00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:04,360 I'm not illiterate. I'm capable of writing a letter by mysel'! 322 00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:14,560 "Dear sirs, now that the post of commanding officer for the platoon is vacant, 323 00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:21,640 "I would like you to consider a certain private who served with distinction during the last conflict. 324 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:27,720 "Jealousy has caused him to be ignored in the past whenever promotion was due. 325 00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:32,800 "In spite of all this, I feel I must reveal his name, which is... 326 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:38,120 "..Private Frazer. 327 00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:43,360 "Signed, a well-wisher." 328 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:56,240 After receiving all these letters, GHQ felt duty-bound to grant Mr Mainwaring his commission. 329 00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:57,960 HOORAY! 330 00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:04,040 Southgate, Eastgate and Walmington-On-Sea will be formed into a company 331 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:09,280 with Mr Mainwaring as second-in-command, and his rank of captain confirmed. 332 00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:13,360 - Hooray! Hooray! - Hoi! No need to overdo it, you know. 333 00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:16,400 - Good news, eh, Sergeant? - Awfully good. 334 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:23,240 The letters were unanimous in their praise for Captain Mainwaring. Well, practically unanimous. 335 00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:29,080 - Congratulations, Captain. - Thank you, sir. 336 00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:33,840 - And thank you, men, for your trust. - You have that! 337 00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:42,760 I assure you that I shall continue to lead you to the best of my ability as long as I'm needed. 338 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:44,960 That's great! 339 00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:46,600 Dismissed. 340 00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:51,320 - Good luck to you, sir! - Thank you. 341 00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:54,600 Congratulations. Welcome home, Captain! 342 00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:58,400 If you need anything, tip me the wink. 343 00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:01,240 Ever so pleased, sir. And me mum. 344 00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:07,320 If ever you're minded to make up another lance corporal, I'm perfectly willing... 345 00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:10,160 no, PROUD, to serve under ye. 346 00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:13,000 I'll bear that in mind, Frazer. 347 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:18,240 Nasty business. 348 00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:23,600 - But all's well that ends well. - Yes. It did have its funny side. 349 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:27,680 When I got home, I laughed and laughed. 350 00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:30,320 - Did you really? - Yes. 351 00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:35,080 To think that all the time you were running things... 352 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:39,600 - you had no authority over us at all. - I know. 353 00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:46,600 None whatever. Hadn't even got the authority to promote you to sergeant. 354 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:53,600 Still, I'm sure everything will sort itself out eventually. 355 00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:58,040 In the meantime, perhaps you'd care to borrow my penknife. 356 00:29:52,560 --> 00:29:56,040 Subtitles by BBC