1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:07,480 # Who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler 2 00:00:07,480 --> 00:00:11,040 # If you think we're on the run? 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:17,080 # We are the boys Who will stop your little game 4 00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:21,680 # We are the boys Who will make you think again 5 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:26,720 # Cos who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler 6 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:30,280 # If you think old England's done? 7 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:35,800 # Mr Brown goes off to town On the 8.21 8 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:40,840 # But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun 9 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:45,880 # So who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler 10 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:49,920 # If you think old England's done? # 11 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:57,840 - MARCHING > - Platoon halt! 12 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:00,400 Right turn. 13 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,440 All right. Fall out for ten minutes. 14 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:08,000 - Splendid church parade. The men looked very smart. - Yes. 15 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:14,080 But why did we have to march round the town first? The church is next door. 16 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:19,560 What's the use of having a church parade if you don't parade? 17 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:26,400 - Was it entirely necessary to go round twice? - It was worthwhile. The men marched very well. 18 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:31,440 - Pity Godfrey had to fall out. - He caught up second time round. 19 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:37,160 - You can't leave it there! > - What's going on out there? 20 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:44,400 - No idea. - I'M not signing for it. - What's the matter? - The vicar won't like this. 21 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,440 - He wants me to sign! - What's it say? 22 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:52,040 "A note from you, a call from us. No worry or fuss. 23 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:56,680 "A Pickford van, a gentle giant - A satisfied client." 24 00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:59,360 A gentle giant?! 25 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:03,400 - That's what it says. - Well, there's a war on. 26 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:08,520 Just sign for it. I can't hang about. We've got six more to deliver today. 27 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:13,560 - What is it? - It's on the chitty. One thirteen pounder. - What? 28 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:19,600 - There's a beautiful firing piece out in the yard! - A dirty great gun. - What? 29 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:24,120 - The vicar will be furious. - Just sign, sir. - Yes, all right. 30 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:27,160 - I say, look at this. - What? Oh, yes. 31 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:32,200 - By jove! - It is rather a big one. - We'll blow Hitler to kingdom come. 32 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:36,920 - I wonder how it works. - Jones, have you any idea? 33 00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:39,920 We'd nothing like that in the Sudan. 34 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:46,480 We had a thing called a gatling gun, invented by an American dentist - a Mr Gatling. 35 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:51,520 We used to form a square and have the gatling gun in the middle. 36 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:56,040 And when them fuzzy wuzzies come curdling towards you, 37 00:02:56,040 --> 00:03:01,080 we'd duck down at the last minute, up come the gun - rat-tat-tat-tat! 38 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:05,840 You had to duck quick or get the top of your helmet shot off. 39 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:10,840 - Hence the expression, "Get your head down." - Yes, all right. 40 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:15,760 It's a "thirteen pounder naval gun on special wheel mounting." 41 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:20,800 - A naval gun? Frazer was in the navy. - A Chief Petty Officer, I believe. 42 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:24,840 - Get him. - Sir. - And the rest of the platoon. - Oi, Taffy! 43 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:29,880 Bring the platoon out. See what Father Christmas has brought you. 44 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:34,560 - There's a sort of telescope thing 'ere. - Those are the sights. 45 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,600 Yes, there are some sights. O-oh! 46 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:44,160 There's a haystack plain as your face... Wait a minute, there's a couple of people in it. 47 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:48,200 Wo-ho-ho! You have a look at this, Sergeant. 48 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:53,080 - Wo-ha-haow! - Yes, rather unusual... - Yes, all right. Break it up. 49 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:57,000 - Is it ours, Uncle Sergeant? - 'Course it is. 50 00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:01,560 - Does it make a big bang? - Well, it's not a peashooter. 51 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:06,320 - Bangs give me a headache. I hate Guy Fawkes night. - Oh. 52 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:10,880 - Aye, sir! - Frazer. I expect you've seen one of these before, eh? 53 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:13,440 Oh, aye... Oh, oh, aye, oh... 54 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:19,480 - I have. - To us it's a mysterious machine - to you it'll be an old friend. 55 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:24,040 - Tell us how it works, Mr Frazer. - Well, now... 56 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:29,600 I'm...I'm no exactly quite familiar with this...particular model. 57 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:36,640 - Well, one gun's very like another. Surely the principle's the same. - I dare say it's just the same. 58 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:41,200 - Show us how to shoot it, Frazer. - Come on, get cracking. 59 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:45,760 Ah, well, you see, it's not just as simple as it looks. 60 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:48,320 Now, let me think... Aye. 61 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,880 The bullets come out there. 62 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:59,440 - So they must go in somewhere back here. - Blimey, don't blind us with science, mate (!) 63 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:02,800 - You WERE Chief Petty Officer? - Yes! 64 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:09,480 - Perhaps he didn't deal with guns. - That's right. - Well, what DID you deal with? 65 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:12,120 - All sorts of things, sir. - Such as? 66 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:15,160 Mostly I was...I was a cook. 67 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:20,880 - A cook? - A cook?! We thought you was something important in the navy. 68 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:23,920 D'ye no think eating is important? 69 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:28,960 - You said you fought at the Battle of Jutland. - I said I was AT Jutland. 70 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,800 Sailors have to eat, even in battle. 71 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:37,840 When the shells are flying, it takes a man to stay below and make shepherd's pie. 72 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:43,520 You ARE a man for going on boats. I've felt queasy on the Serpentine. 73 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:50,480 - It's disappointing, but we'll cope. - I'm sorry if I've let you down. - You've not let us down. 74 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:56,840 Tell you what, next time there's an air raid, cook us a plum duff. 75 00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:59,880 I forgot. This book come with it. 76 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:04,920 - I think it tells you how to make it go off. - Splendid. Thanks very much. 77 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:09,480 Come on, don't hang about. Quick sharp, in the van. 78 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:14,520 Here we are. Thirteen pounder QF Mark 5 gun...on Mark 1 mounting. 79 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:17,880 - Now... It's all here, Wilson. - Good. 80 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:24,440 - The gun crew consists of GL, SS, trainer, breech worker and two loaders. - Sir? - Yes. 81 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:29,920 I volunteer to be GL, SS, trainer, breech worker and two loaders. 82 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:32,480 That's the entire crew! 83 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:37,040 - Perhaps they explain it all in a later chapter. - I'll read on. 84 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:40,080 - Position for close up... - Close up! 85 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:45,160 That reminds me of that pantomime we did. We had this comedy drill scene, 86 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:49,720 and the sergeant said, "Close up" and we lifted our clothes up! 87 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,600 I'll bet that was hilarious (!) 88 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:59,160 Let's concentrate on the matter in hand, shall we? 89 00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:03,720 Number 1, the gun layer... Ah, GL, you see - gun layer - GL. 90 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:07,760 He sits on the elevating wheel on the left. 91 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:13,640 - I volunteer to be gun layer, sir. - As it's a sitting-down job, it might suit me. 92 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:18,680 - A very good idea, Godfrey, come on. Get him in. - Mind how you go. 93 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,720 - And the other leg. - Careful with him. 94 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:28,760 - Now sit down. - Sit down here. On this seat here. That's it. - Right-o, Godfrey. He's all right. 95 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,800 - Godfrey... - Oh, I-I'm sorry, sir. 96 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:36,920 I'd leave him there for the duration. 97 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:42,560 Number 2, the breech worker, sits on the right in line with the breech. 98 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:48,640 - I'd like to volunteer to sit on the right in line with the breech. - All right. 99 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:53,680 - Shall I get on it side-saddle or astride? - Just get on it. - Right. 100 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:58,720 - Oi, Jonesey! Hang on. - What's the matter? 101 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:00,760 Blimey! 102 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:08,800 Number 3, the loader, stands to the rear of Number 1, that's Godfrey. Right, Pike - Number 3. 103 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:13,360 Number 4, the trainer, sits at the training wheel - Frazer. 104 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:19,400 Number 5, the loader, stands in the rear of 3. Walker, stand behind Pike. 105 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:22,680 - Will I get a shell? - A practice one. 106 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:27,240 - SS at the sights. I wonder what SS stands for. - Well, er... 107 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:33,000 - Sights Superintendent, do you think? - Well, that'll be you. - Oh. 108 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,200 Clear? 109 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:39,240 - It's not very luxurious. - It's not meant to be. 110 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:44,080 Now...clear away obstructions to the working of the gun. 111 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:48,440 - Get Jonesey out the way. - I 'eard that! - All right. 112 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:51,480 - Well, he's... - That'll do, Walker. 113 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,680 Next, open the breech, Corporal. 114 00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:57,240 Right sir. Right sir. 115 00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:59,960 It's stuck, sir. 116 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:03,000 - Give him a hand, Pike. - Sir... Ow! 117 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:08,040 - It's all gummed up, sir. - All right. Let me have a look. Come out of it. 118 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:11,080 - I'll do this. - Excuse me... 119 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,000 You had the safety catch on. 120 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:26,600 Always somebody ready to interfere, isn't there? 121 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:31,640 - It's our gun! - He's a troublemaker, sir. 122 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:39,200 - Right, breech worker reports bore clear. That's you, Corporal. - Right, sir. 123 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:44,240 - Bore clear..! Bore clear..! Bore clear..! - All right, all right. 124 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:47,280 - Once is enough. - All right, sir. 125 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:52,320 The loader loads the gun and calls "Gun loaded" to the breech worker. 126 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,880 - Pike. - Thanks, Joe. 127 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:59,440 - Gun loaded to the breech worker. - No, just "Gun loaded". 128 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:02,480 - Just gun loaded. - Pike! 129 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:09,040 Loader ensures his fingers are out of the breech when the breech worker works the breech. 130 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:12,080 One, two, three, four... Good. 131 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:19,120 When his fingers are clear he calls to the breech worker... the corner of the page is torn away. 132 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:26,000 - Why do I say that? - What? - The corner of the page is torn away. - You stupid boy - look! 133 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,640 We'll never know what he calls. 134 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:31,320 How about, "Hands away"? 135 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:38,400 This is a field gun, Frazer, not Ben Gunn. 136 00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:44,440 Listen, sir, if he don't get his hands away in time, what about saying, "Ouch!"? 137 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:47,400 I've warned you once, Walker. 138 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:51,440 We want something brief and to the point. 139 00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:54,320 Well, how about, "Fingers out"? 140 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:59,360 - That's very good. "Fingers out". Say that, Pike. - Fingers out. - Good. 141 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:04,400 - Breech worker closes the breech. Close the breech. - Shut up, sir! 142 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:10,960 - What did you say? - Shut up, sir. The breech is shut up. 143 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:17,520 It doesn't say anything here about saying that. 144 00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:20,560 I thought it was rather military. 145 00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:24,200 I thought it was rather rude. 146 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:29,240 - What about, "Once more into the breech"? - Don't be ridiculous. 147 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:35,560 On the order "Fire" the gun layer pulls his lanyard. That's you, Godfrey. 148 00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:40,120 What are you doing? 149 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:45,640 - Pulling my lanyard, sir. - That one down there. 150 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:50,200 - You want me to make it go off? - Yes, of course. 151 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:53,240 I don't think I'm suited to the post. 152 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:57,800 I'd like to pull the lanyard. I'd enjoy pulling the lanyard. 153 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:04,360 - You can't lean over, what about the kick? - I'll do that as well. - The recoil from the gun! 154 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:11,320 - Right, I'll sit back a bit. - Pike. - I stuff it up the breech. I can't push AND pull. 155 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:17,280 - As I'm not over-burdened with work at the moment, perhaps - I - should oblige. 156 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:21,840 - All right, you do it. - Godfrey, could you move yourself? 157 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:27,040 Now, we all know how the gun works, don't we...? Splendid. 158 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:31,800 - We'll have a little practice. - What are we aiming at? 159 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:33,840 Ah. 160 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:36,480 Wait a minute. 161 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:41,040 - You see that van, driving along the coast road? - Uh-huh. 162 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,600 That's an enemy tank. 163 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:48,160 You lay on that and I'll work out the range and inclination. 164 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:52,400 The range, say, 700 yards. 165 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:56,840 700 yards - angle of inclination, 2.5 degrees. 166 00:12:56,840 --> 00:13:00,320 - Have you got the inclination? - No, I... 167 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:03,760 - I'm all right at the moment. - No, no, no. 168 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:08,800 Have a look at that dial and see that it has two degrees on it. 169 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:12,840 All right, bear to the left. Left, left... 170 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:17,400 Still further left... Aim in front of the tower, and FIRE! 171 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:21,960 - I wouldn't do that if I were you. - Why not? 172 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,240 # And when I hear you call... # 173 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,840 Oh, yes. 174 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:34,400 Much more your size. 175 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:38,360 Rather formidable weapon. Hurt me, that. 176 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:42,360 Here we are. The sawdust for the TEWT. 177 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:46,400 - I got the tins of spam. - I got the toy gun. 178 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,160 Something to shoot for the TEWT! 179 00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:52,040 What shall we put the TEWT on? 180 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:58,600 - That black-out screen in the hall? - Good idea. Would you get it? - I will, sir. - Thank you. 181 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:03,240 - Walker, just give me a hand round with this table. - Right, sir. 182 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:08,280 - What is a TEWT? - Really, Wilson. Fancy asking what a TEWT is! 183 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:15,320 - I wasn't here when you fixed it up. - A TEWT is a Tactical Exercise Without Troops. - Oh, really? 184 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:21,880 - The men are bringing articles to make a model of the town. - I brought as much as I could. 185 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:24,440 - I brought a few things. - Well done. 186 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:27,480 - Here's the black-out, sir. - Ah. 187 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:30,040 Here you go... Right. 188 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:34,600 - Sawdust, sir? - Right. Put it on. - There you go, sir. 189 00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:39,160 - Spread it out. - We need to spread it out a bit. - Yes. 190 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:42,600 Hello! That's a bit of suet. 191 00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:49,280 That Ronald's getting careless. I won't be able to use that, it's all sawdust. 192 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:52,200 I'll put it in the sausages. 193 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:57,240 - Make a note of that, Wilson. No sausages next week. - Right, sir. 194 00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:00,280 Something to represent the church. 195 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:05,320 - That mess tin behind you, Walker. Can you hand it over? - Here you go. 196 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:10,360 - A whisky bottle for the tower? - Haven't you anything more reverent? 197 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:15,400 - This tin of health salts? - All right. That'll do. 198 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:18,440 - Hello. I got everything. - Splendid. 199 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:21,480 The High Street - the tins of Spam. 200 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,840 And the promenade - some hymn books. 201 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:29,880 - The vicar won't like this. - There's a war on. Get the hymn books. 202 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:35,480 Right. Now...something to represent the bandstand. 203 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:38,520 What about this powder puff, sir? 204 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:42,960 Very well. That'll do. That's the bandstand. 205 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:48,800 - Now the allotments. - Will this sponge do? - Sounds a good idea. 206 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:52,840 Splendid. Now something for the gas works. 207 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:58,120 What about this tin of bicarbonated soda...? It's one and four, that. 208 00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:02,280 Here we are, wait a minute... Here's the cricket pitch. 209 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:04,680 This'll do for the scoreboard. 210 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:07,480 - Now, what about the pier? - Sir. - Fine. 211 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:12,040 Don't forget, sir, the pier got blown up in the middle of it. 212 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:14,440 - Nae bother. - No... 213 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:17,880 What are you doing? That's MY brush. 214 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:21,040 In Mrs Pike's bathroom? 215 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:24,200 Well, it WAS my brush until I gave it to Mavis. 216 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:29,240 - Now, here's our gun. Got the toy soldiers, Pike? - Yes, sir. - Good man. 217 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:31,800 Splendid. Now then... 218 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:36,520 This knight in shining armour, that's you, Corporal Jones. 219 00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:39,040 I'm gonna enjoy this. 220 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:42,600 - This Highland soldier is Frazer. - Great. 221 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:47,640 And then we've got Godfrey and Pike and Walker there. 222 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:52,000 Why am I the one without a head? They're my soldiers. 223 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,200 You'll do as you're told. 224 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:58,760 - I don't mind not having a head. - Oh, for heaven's sake! 225 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:03,800 The cowboy and Indian - I'll be the cowboy and Wilson can be the Indian. 226 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:07,000 I had a feeling I'd be the Indian. 227 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:11,040 Don't let's get childish. Bring the men in. 228 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:15,600 Would you all come in here? This way for the T.W.I.T. (!) 229 00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:20,640 - Steady on. - Be careful, there. 230 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:25,120 Gather round, as quickly and carefully as you can. 231 00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,680 A lot of animals! 232 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,720 All right? Now, pay attention, men. 233 00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:34,560 As you know, our fighting potential has been increased enormously 234 00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:36,760 by this thirteen pounder gun. 235 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:41,320 We must now conceive our tactics on a much broader scale. 236 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,360 Don't lean on the gas works, boy. 237 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:51,280 With our armament here, we control the whole stretch of the coast. 238 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:55,320 Unfortunately, some obstacles are in our way. 239 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:59,880 Now, that puff...that bandstand. That'll have to go. 240 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:01,760 It's in our line of fire 241 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:06,440 and the enemy could use it as cover for an invasion barge. 242 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:09,480 The sort of shabby trick Nazis play. 243 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:13,600 I've told the Town Clerk it must come down within 48 hours. 244 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:16,640 Isn't that a bit high-handed? 245 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:24,560 - It's the only language officials understand. - They'll never get it down in 48 hours. It's solid iron. 246 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:30,400 I'll take it down for nothing if I can keep the iron. Well, it's war weapons. 247 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:33,080 Better leave it in official hands. 248 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:37,120 - These allotments will be flattened. - Haud on! Haud on! 249 00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:42,160 Them's my runner beans and tomatoes. You cannae dispose of them like that. 250 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,360 Think o' the "Dig for Victory" campaign. 251 00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:48,720 Be that as it may, guns before vegetables. 252 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:54,000 We could leave the vegetables there and when the invasion signal comes, 253 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,040 we'll rush out and pick them quickly. 254 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:04,880 Next thing in our line of fire is the cricket pitch scoreboard. 255 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:10,320 - Please, sir, not the scoreboard. - We can't make any exceptions. 256 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:15,360 - Can't we wait till the end of the season? - Nazis don't play cricket. 257 00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:20,920 If they did, we wouldn't be on opposite sides now. 258 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:26,960 In the event of the balloon going up, here's our new plan of campaign. 259 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:31,000 - Got the armoured car, Pike? - Yes, sir. - Right. 260 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:34,040 Put this behind Jones's shop. 261 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:38,360 Right. Now I want us all to adopt the places and positions 262 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,600 that we would be in on a normal working day. 263 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:46,160 - You go to your shop. - Right. - Where are you going? Corporal! 264 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:49,200 - I'm going to my shop. - Oh, come here. 265 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:56,840 - You're represented by this knight. Put it in the box. - Oh, I cotton on. There we go. I'm in my shop, sir. 266 00:19:56,840 --> 00:20:03,360 - Frazer, you be in your shop. - Aye, sir. - Walker, you'll be in your...place of business. 267 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:09,360 Wilson, Pike and myself will be in the bank. 268 00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:14,800 - Where will I be? - Either in the one in the front or the one in the town. 269 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:20,600 Now, let us imagine that the church bells have just gone. 270 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:29,640 - Jones, you run out from your shop. - I run out from my shop... 271 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:36,200 - Blast! I'm lost in the sawdust. - Pick yourself up. - I've got hold of meself. - All right. 272 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:41,240 - Start up the van. - Right. Num, num, num, num... - Down the High Street. 273 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:47,280 - Pick up Frazer from his shop, then Walker in Slope Alley. - Get on the back, Joe. 274 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:52,160 Sharp right turn and proceed up the East Gate Road to the church hall. 275 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,840 You can't. It's a one-way street. 276 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:58,880 - We can in an emergency. - Num, num, num... - Right. 277 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:06,200 - We shall run from the bank to the drill hall... Come on, come on, you're involved. - All right. 278 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:12,240 - Will the van pick ME up? - We never know where you might be... Oh, Pike! 279 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:19,280 Better make your own way there. The rest of the platoon will get here as quickly as they can. 280 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:24,320 We'll assume the invasion's started and the enemy troops are landing. 281 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:30,880 We're keeping up a constant steady fire from here, but he's also dropping parachutists. 282 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:33,920 - The rotten swine, sir! - Exactly. 283 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:38,960 In that event, Private Sponge takes Corporal Jones's place at the gun, 284 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:45,520 - Jones takes the rest of the platoon out to mop up the parachutists. Understood? - Yes. 285 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:50,080 On the word "Action". You be loader. Right... Action! 286 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:54,640 - Num, num, num, num, num... - Loaded! - Fire! 287 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:58,680 - Bang! Bang! Bang! - Loaded! - Fire! 288 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,720 - Good evening, Mainwaring. - Fire! 289 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:06,760 - Mr Rees - Town Clerk, Mr Bennett - Borough Engineer. - Oh, how do you do? 290 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:11,320 - Hold it, men. Hold it. - Jones! - Num, num, num.... - SH! 291 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,880 What, have they surrendered? 292 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,440 For the time being, yes. 293 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:19,480 - We're holding a TEWT. - Really? 294 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:23,520 - This is Walmington-on-Sea. - You could've fooled me. 295 00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:30,560 What is the idea of sending me an ultimatum? I am not used to getting ultimatums! 296 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:36,600 - That bandstand must come down. - Oh? Why? - Because it's in our direct line of fire. 297 00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:40,640 That is a rare example of Victorian ironwork, 298 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:45,720 erected to commemorate Queen Victoria's visit here in 1891. 299 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:48,280 I remember that, Mr Mainwaring. 300 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:52,320 I was guard of honour for Queen Victoria. 301 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:56,880 And she come down the ranks and hesitated in front of me. 302 00:22:56,880 --> 00:23:01,920 And she murmured to her aide-de-camp, "He reminds me of my dear Albert." 303 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:04,960 And she had a little tear in her eye. 304 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:10,000 And I reiterated. I said - and she reminded me of my dear old Mum. 305 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:17,040 And do you know, she swept right on, and hence the old expression, "We are not amused." 306 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,440 Neither are we, Corporal. 307 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:28,000 - What were you saying? - You can't say that bandstand must come down just like that. 308 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:33,040 - It has to go before the Town Council. - So, put it before the Town Council. 309 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:39,600 - It's got to be discussed in Committee, first. - There's no time for this red tape. 310 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:46,640 - There must be some other way. - We could have an emergency meeting, if it is considered urgent enough. 311 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:53,200 - The whole town's safety depends on this gun. - You'd better convince the Committee of that. 312 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:59,240 - I'll lay on a full-scale demonstration. - Excuse me... - Not just now, Verger. 313 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:05,480 - Oh, well, I'll get the Committee along. - All right. 10.30 on Sunday morning. 314 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:10,040 - Is that wise? - Don't worry. - Excuse me... - Go away. 315 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:15,080 All right, then, 10.30 on Sunday. I wouldn't miss this for the world! 316 00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:20,120 - Excuse me, sir. I've got to put this black-out up. - Put it up later. 317 00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:24,160 It's got to go up now, and that's that. 318 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:27,200 SHOUTS OF PROTEST 319 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:32,760 # You say the sweetest things, baby 320 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:35,800 # You have me right... # 321 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:39,320 - KNOCK AT DOOR - Come in. 322 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:44,360 - KNOCKING REPEATED - Come in! - KNOCKING CONTINUES 323 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,760 We've brought the camouflage, 324 00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:59,400 - to prevent enemy aircraft from perceiving our firing position from the air. - Good man. 325 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:03,440 Get somebody to help you put it over the gun. 326 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,480 A-CHOO! 327 00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:10,040 - Pike's helping me, sir. - It's ever so dusty, sir. 328 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:16,080 Never mind. Spread it over the gun, and weight it down with sandbags. 329 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:19,120 Just a moment... Just a moment. 330 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:25,160 Oh... Ah, Mr Rees. We'll be ready in five minutes. You're a bit early. 331 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:32,320 Five minutes, eh? And what would happen if I was the invasion? Would you have five minutes then? 332 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:35,360 If you were the invasion, Mr Rees, 333 00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:42,960 - you'd be heralded by the bells and a fusillade of shots from our gun. - We'll see about that, won't we? 334 00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:46,200 Come with me. You'll be impressed. 335 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:55,320 - You're doing a good job. - Thank you, sir. 336 00:25:55,320 --> 00:26:00,360 - Permission to carry on? - Carry on is just about the right name for it. 337 00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:02,920 Detachment rear! 338 00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,840 - Where's Godfrey? - Over there, sir. 339 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:10,400 Godfrey, over here. 340 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:13,440 Godfrey! What's wrong with you? 341 00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:19,480 I'm sorry, sir. I was just taking precautions in case you let it go off. 342 00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:23,520 Go and join the gun detachment. 343 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:31,080 On the command "Action", go in like greased lightning and get that gun in action. 344 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:38,640 - Squad... - Shouldn't we remove the camouflage net before we start? - Not very good thinking. - Why not? 345 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:45,200 What is the point in uncamouflaging it just when the enemy is likely to see it? 346 00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:50,240 At the last moment we'll whip aside the net and pour forth deadly fire. 347 00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:53,280 - Deadly? Who to? - You'll see, sir. 348 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:56,160 Enemy tank right. Action! 349 00:26:56,160 --> 00:27:01,520 Come along, now. Quick as you can. Keen as mustard, these chaps. 350 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:06,360 - Range - 500 yards! - It'll be 10 yards by the time they're ready! 351 00:27:06,360 --> 00:27:08,920 Oi, Jonesey. 352 00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:12,960 Where are you? I got a shell for you. 353 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:17,280 FRAZER: There's somebody in my place! 354 00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:21,400 - Range 500 yards. - Standing still, is it? 355 00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:27,960 - Range 450 yards. Corporal, is the gun ready for action? - I don't know. I can't find it. 356 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,840 Walker, go in and find him. 357 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:35,800 Cop hold of that, sir. Oi, Jonesey, where are you? 358 00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:39,840 Won't be long. Enemy tank right, 450 yards. 359 00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:44,880 - Where are you, Frazer? - I cannae turn the handle for this damned net! 360 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:48,920 Pike, Wilson, get this net off. Come on. 361 00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:51,960 Come along, now. Hurry up. 362 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:58,920 - Corporal, stay where you are. They're taking this net off. - I won't let it beat me, sir. 363 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:01,960 Hey! Take the damned thing off! 364 00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:07,000 - Enemy tank right, range er... - 300 yards! - 300 yards it is. 365 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:11,640 All right, I've seen enough. I'll report to my Sub-Committee. 366 00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:16,200 Well, thank you very much for coming along, Mr Rees. 367 00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:21,240 - These little discrepancies will be ironed out in the drill. - I'm sure. 368 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:26,280 - My Committee can sleep sound in their beds. - Rest assured of that. 369 00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:30,640 Provided they make them inside that enemy tank. 370 00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:23,480 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd