1 00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:08,040 # Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler? 2 00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:11,080 # If you think we're on the run 3 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:17,120 # We are the boys who will stop your little game 4 00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:22,160 # We are the boys who will make you think again 5 00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:27,200 # 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler? 6 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:30,240 # If you think old England's done 7 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:36,600 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21 8 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:41,400 # But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun 9 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:46,440 # So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler? 10 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:49,480 # If you think old England's done. # 11 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:57,200 # There is a lady sweet and kind 12 00:00:57,200 --> 00:01:01,040 # Was never face so pleased my mind 13 00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:04,880 # I did but see her passing by 14 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:07,720 # Yet will I love her... 15 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,560 # Till I die 16 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:15,600 - # Her gestures, motions and... # - That's enough, Pike, thank you. 17 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:23,680 - Sorry, Mr Mainwaring. - A bank manager's office is no place for singing. - Sorry, Mr Mainwaring. 18 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:26,720 - Morning, sir. - Ah, morning, Wilson. 19 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:30,000 Good news about the Home Guard dance. 20 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:33,840 Well, all work and no play, you know. 21 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:41,280 It gives our wives and sweethearts the feeling that they're part of the grand effort. 22 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:48,320 - Can we bring a friend? - Yes. Who did you have in mind? An old boy scout friend? 23 00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:52,280 No, sir. I was going to bring a girl. 24 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,800 A girl? 25 00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:03,800 Oh, well, I suppose so. Discuss it with Cpl Jones. He's doing the invitations. 26 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:09,800 - I'll bring you a coffee, sir. # There is a lady... # - Pike! - Sorry. 27 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:14,840 I'm not at all satisfied with that boy's work recently, you know. 28 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:22,480 - Never stops humming. - He's just letting his thoughts dwell on his private life, sir. - Don't be absurd. 29 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:28,120 - He hasn't got a private life. He's a boy. - He's walking out with an AT. 30 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:31,040 - With a what? - An ATS girl. - Heavens! 31 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:33,960 You should put a stop to that. 32 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:37,000 You never know where they come from. 33 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:41,480 She's a local girl, actually. Violet Gibbons. 34 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:47,280 I know her. Her mother cleaned for us. "Obliging us", she called it. 35 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,920 Yes, well... 36 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:52,760 now her daughter's obliging Frank. 37 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:58,800 - Wait a minute. Didn't that girl work in a fish and chip shop? - Yes. 38 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:04,520 Wrong sort of background. The bank doesn't like that sort of thing. 39 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:11,040 - What sort of thing? - She could ruin his career. What does his mother say? 40 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:14,240 - She doesn't know. - Speak to him. - Me? 41 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:20,160 Well, the boy hasn't got a father. You're friendly with his mother. 42 00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:25,360 I know Mrs Pike but I don't have to act as a Dutch uncle to Frank. 43 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:29,800 You worry me sometimes, Wilson. 44 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:34,840 You'd do anything rather than face up to your responsibilities. 45 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:38,920 You've never really grown up, have you? 46 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:45,200 You're not a middle-aged chief clerk. You're a sort of Peter Pan. 47 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:50,800 - You'll never get your own branch. - Frank is not my responsibility. 48 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:56,840 - A lot of people will be pleased to hear that. - What do you mean?! 49 00:03:56,840 --> 00:04:01,880 Well, it's no business of mine. But it's a very small town, Wilson. 50 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,520 Tongues wag. 51 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:07,560 People put two and two together. 52 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:15,520 You and Mrs Pike arrived here about the same time, both from Weston-super-Mare. 53 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:21,160 If you look at that boy in certain lights, there is a resemblance. 54 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:24,040 And he pulls the lobe of his ear. 55 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:30,080 - The idea's outrageous. I mean, Mavis would have mentioned it. - Oh. 56 00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:36,200 I'm sure it's just idle gossip. But a word from you would be best. 57 00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:39,800 - All right, I'll chat to him, sir. - Good. 58 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:47,560 - Oh, no appointments for me today. I have a meeting in the church hall with the Dance Committee. - Yes, sir. 59 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:59,800 As this dance is a recreation, I thought it better if we were to meet in a relaxed, informal way. 60 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,440 Pay attention, Walker. 61 00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:05,120 Don't lean on the desk. 62 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:14,480 - I thought it best that we should each be responsible for one aspect of Operation Dance. - Mr Mainwaring! 63 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:21,120 I'd just like to say, on behalf of the men... that's a very nice idea. 64 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,760 Thank you very much, Jones. 65 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:30,520 Now, what are the essential ingredients? What do we need for a dance? 66 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:33,200 A floor. 67 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:38,240 I'm not actually asking for suggestions at this stage, Walker. 68 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:45,080 We need music to dance to, food for the inner man and drink for conviviality. 69 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:49,600 - There's another thing, sir. - What is that? - Women. 70 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,440 We can take that for granted. 71 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:59,480 Booze is very difficult. But you can get it for us? Yeah, I've got contacts. 72 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:06,120 We needn't trouble you, Walker. The Secretary of the golf club will supply it. 73 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:10,360 Sucks to you. Where do you think HE gets it? 74 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:15,040 All right, Walker! There's the question of food. 75 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:20,080 If it's any help, I'm rather good at making maids of honour. 76 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,960 Blimey, that's a relief (!) 77 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:27,120 They're little buns with icing on the top. 78 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,800 Excellent, Godfrey. Can you help, Jones? 79 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:37,400 - Yes, sir. I have earmarked 6 pounds of sausages. - We'd be very grateful. 80 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:45,240 I have also earmarked some fat for frying. Then we can put them in the fat and fry them. 81 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:49,480 We can cut them up and make sausage rolls. 82 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:52,320 Yes, a very stimulating suggestion. 83 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:59,840 I think Mrs Mainwaring would manage to throw a case around them. She's very ingenious in that way. 84 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:04,880 This brings us to a band. In these troubled times, this is difficult. 85 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:10,240 Miss Rowlands and her colleagues have offered their services. 86 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:16,400 We don't want too much jazz music. Blimey, not with Miss Rowlands! 87 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:21,360 - What we need is some good tunes. - Tell Me, Pretty Maiden. 88 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:26,320 - Any Old Iron. - You can't dance to that. - Harry Champion does. 89 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:30,360 Listen, sir, if you get Miss Rowlands, 90 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:38,400 that friend of hers with the cello and that old bat from the library on the harp, we may as well go home. 91 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:42,520 Joe, you're right. 'Course I'm right. 92 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:48,560 I think there's some force in that, but where are we to find musicians? 93 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:58,080 - What about the Salvation Army? - Marvellous (!) Take your partners for What A Friend We Have In Jesus! 94 00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:03,520 Walker! May I remind you that we are on church property? 95 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:06,160 I'm sorry, sir, but honestly! 96 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:13,920 One of the lads in the Platoon can play piano. The RAF holding station at Godalston might have something. 97 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:18,960 Oh, good. Splendid. Well done. Operation Dance is launched. 98 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:23,720 I think we can bring her to harbour safely. 99 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:27,040 - Barring torpedos. - Barring... 100 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:36,480 Frank, those pictures shouldn't be back to back. 101 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:41,520 - It looks as if they've had an argument. - Shall I take them down? 102 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:49,160 I've got the rosettes here, Wilson. "Secretary" for you, "M.C." for Jones and "Chairman" for me. 103 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:52,600 - Who wears the "Wine" one? - Walker. 104 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:57,960 - What about the golf club Secretary? - He couldn't get the extra drink. 105 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:04,160 - Is that all right, sir? - I think so. Put those in the office, Pike. 106 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:11,000 - Just a minute. Have you had a word with that boy yet? - No, no. Not yet, sir, no. 107 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:16,800 - Why not? - The opportunity hasn't presented itself. - Why not now? 108 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:21,840 You can't just nose-dive into a personal matter like this. 109 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:28,880 You need the right atmosphere. A log fire, a cosy chair, a pipe, a glass of port... 110 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:35,440 - Peter Pan! - My God, Mainwaring, you can hit pretty low when it suits you! 111 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:39,480 Mr Mainwaring, I wanted to speak to you. 112 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:44,520 - I was lying abed last night and I suddenly had an idea. - Really? 113 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:52,160 What about a cabaret? You see, I do some humorous monologues and various forms of mimicry. 114 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:56,920 Fraser does a marvellous Highland sword-dance. 115 00:09:56,920 --> 00:10:02,080 - Yes, well, I'll mention it to the Committee. - Thank you, sir. 116 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:08,200 - I told Mr Mainwaring about your sword-dance. - I've gone off the idea. 117 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:22,080 - I'll go and see what Mr Mainwaring wants me to do. - No, don't go yet. 118 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,960 My goodness me! 119 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:33,000 We've never had a chance, have we, to be alone together and have a cosy little chat? 120 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:37,880 - Haven't we, Uncle? - Yes, well... 121 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:40,720 Looking forward to the dance? 122 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:46,160 - Yes, thanks, Uncle. - You don't have to call me Uncle. - Sorry, Sergeant. 123 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:51,000 Or that. We're both grown-up men of the world. 124 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:54,440 I'm Frank. ..No, I'm not. 125 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,880 YOU'RE Frank. I'm Arthur. 126 00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:00,400 How do you do? 127 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:05,880 Anyway, you're quite grown-up now, you know. 128 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:10,920 I mean, we can both look each other in the eye, can't we? 129 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,560 And talk... 130 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:16,200 man to man. 131 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:24,240 - Nice, isn't it? - Yes. There are heaps of things we can talk about. Things we've never talked about before. 132 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:29,360 - It's very nice, isn't it? - Would you stop saying it's nice, Frank? 133 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:34,040 - It's irritating. - Sorry, Uncle... Sergeant... Arthur. 134 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:38,480 Yes, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. 135 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:41,520 That's all right...Arthur. 136 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:50,880 - Very nice, being able to talk man to man, isn't it? - Yes, it's nice. 137 00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:53,520 Good, I mean. Good. 138 00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:57,000 - What'll we talk about, then? - What? 139 00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:00,040 Well, um... Well, we... 140 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:08,920 We've, um... Have we? We've never really had a chance to have a little chat about girls, have we? 141 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:13,960 - I know all about the birds and bees. - I didn't... - Miss Beckwith told us. 142 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:17,400 She knows a lot about girls. And boys. 143 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:21,680 Frank, who are you going to take to the dance? 144 00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:25,760 I'll take my girlfriend, Violet Gibbons. 145 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:28,600 Precisely, yes. Violet Gibbons. 146 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:34,240 - That's... That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about. - Why? 147 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:39,680 - YOU don't want to take her, do you? - Certainly not! - I didn't think so. 148 00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:45,120 She's wonderful. She's the most beautiful girl in the whole world. 149 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:47,680 I love her, Uncle Arthur. 150 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:55,280 When I woke up today, I wanted to run to the top of the church tower and shout, "I love Violet Gibbons!" 151 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:57,800 But I didn't. 152 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,480 I think you're very wise. 153 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:10,120 So many mistakes can be made. So much is to be thought about. Is she suitable, for instance? 154 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:13,160 - Suitable for what? - For the bank. 155 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,080 She doesn't want to go to the bank. 156 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:23,600 - No, I mean after the war. - She won't want to go into the bank then. She'll be married to me. 157 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,960 Married? 158 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,480 - Can you keep a secret? - Yes. 159 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:35,480 I'm going to announce our engagement at the dance, like Jack Oakie did with Zazu Pitts. 160 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:42,440 I wouldn't do that if I were you. It would give your mother a terrible shock. 161 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:48,240 - No, she thought it was the best bit of the film. - Frank, I... 162 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:53,280 I think it's just possible that this may be different. 163 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:58,280 It's obvious you made a mess of it. 164 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:01,320 Well, you talk to him, sir. 165 00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:07,640 No, you must get somebody nearer to his own age-group. Try Walker. 166 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:13,080 I don't think I could do any good. He can be very pig-headed. 167 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:16,280 Has his mum washed her hands of it? 168 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:20,000 No, Mavis doesn't know the girl exists. 169 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:25,040 If he blurts all this out at the dance, she'll make an awful scene. 170 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:28,400 What if I have a word with Violet? 171 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:32,480 Yes, that's... Violet? You know Violet? 172 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,120 Well, you know how it is. 173 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:40,160 I was a bit keen on her once, when she worked in Woolworth's. 174 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:45,200 When she went to work in the fish shop, somehow it was different. 175 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:50,040 It was all right watching football, out in the open. 176 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:54,080 But when she got hot in the pictures... 177 00:14:54,080 --> 00:15:00,000 People used to shift their seats. A man finds that humiliating. 178 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:05,720 Yes. Speak to her. Perhaps she can persuade him not to be too hasty. 179 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:11,400 She tried to persuade ME that way once. I never was a good listener. 180 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:19,240 Point the music out in that direction. 181 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:24,280 - Cpl Jones! - Just getting ready for the dance. - Where's Mr Mainwaring? 182 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:29,320 He'll be here very quickly. He's bringing the sausage rolls. 183 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:36,360 He'll arrive with his good lady in time to greet the guests whom I shall announce. 184 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:43,640 - I've never met Mrs Mainwaring. - They're a devoted couple, only she don't get about much. 185 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:48,680 Jonesy, that microphone's ready to be switched on. ..Evening, Vicar. 186 00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:53,360 That piano's got a note missing. An important one? 187 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:58,400 It is if you play In The Mood. # Da-di-thump di-da-thump... # 188 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:03,440 - I think that's rather catchy. - He's a sporting vicar, isn't he? 189 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:06,880 Don't let Pikey near the microphone. 190 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:11,920 - He's not announcing his engagement? - We tried to talk to him, but... 191 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:18,480 - I've got to meet my birds in the Horse and Groom. - Where's Mr Mainwaring? 192 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:21,320 - He's just come in. - Right. 193 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:28,520 Mr Mainwaring, can I have the sausages? 194 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:36,040 I'm afraid there's been a mishap, Jones. My wife miscalculated and they're burnt to a cinder. 195 00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:40,080 - That's very distressing. - Yes. I'm sorry. 196 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:45,160 - Don't upset yourself, sir. Only sausage rolls. - I was very vexed. 197 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:52,240 - I gave her a good dressing-down. - That's a very nasty eye you've got there. 198 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:57,280 - Yes, I bumped into the door of the linen cupboard. - Yes. 199 00:16:57,280 --> 00:17:02,320 If you and your good lady stand there, I'll announce the guests. 200 00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:09,160 - Well, Mrs Mainwaring won't be joining us this evening. - I hope she's not poorly. 201 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:12,080 - I'd rather not go into it. - Right. 202 00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:19,320 - I'll greet the guests alone. - Just stand here in your greeting-the-guests position, sir. 203 00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:24,360 - Keep nice and calm, sir. - Should we have some music? - Of course. 204 00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:28,200 - Got any greeting-the-guests music? - Trees? 205 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:34,040 - Would Trees suit you, sir? - Admirably, thank you. - Right, Trees. 206 00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,880 Now, ready with the drinks? 207 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:42,520 Hats and coats all right? Got your tickets? They'll be here soon. 208 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:48,560 - Here we go... Blimey! You're early. - 8 o'clock, it says on the ticket. 209 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:52,800 - I never gave you no ticket. - The Vicar did. 210 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:56,800 Well, take it easy on the sandwiches. 211 00:17:56,800 --> 00:18:02,320 I don't want your sandwiches. He always was a troublemaker. 212 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:04,960 HE'S the troublemaker. 213 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:10,000 We never did find out who wrote that rude word on the harmonium. 214 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,120 Are you insinuating that it was me? 215 00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:18,040 I'm not insinuating anything, but why are you blushing? 216 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:23,080 - I'm waiting, Jones. - Certainly, sir. Mr and Mrs Henry Yeatman! 217 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:30,720 - Shake hands with the Captain. - With me hat on?! - I knew you was a troublemaker. Put it over there. 218 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:35,080 - Having trouble? - His joint'll be gristle next week. 219 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,960 It was all gristle LAST week. 220 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,560 Come away, Anthea. 221 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:45,600 What's your pleasure? Failing that, what do you want to drink (?) 222 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:51,040 - I've got to announce you first. - Doris and Dora. They're twins. 223 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:58,080 - Which is which? - I dunno. One kicks and the other one bites, so what's the odds? 224 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:04,400 - I'll say, "Mr Walker and party." - That's later! - Mr Walker and parties! 225 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:10,760 - Evening, Mr Mainwaring. Where did you get that? - The linen cupboard door. 226 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:13,400 Hasn't your wife got a rolling-pin? 227 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:16,440 Mr and Mrs Dowding! 228 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:19,480 Mr and Mrs Eccles! 229 00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:24,400 Hello, Mr Godfrey. 230 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:27,160 My word, you DO look smart. 231 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:32,200 Dear me, some of the gentlemen aren't wearing dinner jackets. 232 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:39,840 - You've done us proud, Mr Godfrey. - Father said that one was never embarrassed by being well-dressed. 233 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:42,680 I'm not quite sure he was right. 234 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:45,720 Mr and Mrs Forkus! 235 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:49,560 - Evening, Jonesy. - Hello, Mr Fraser. 236 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:56,000 - This is ma wee niece, Blodwen. - Hello, Miss Blodwen. Nice to see you. 237 00:19:56,000 --> 00:20:01,040 If ye say one word about ma kilt, I'll bash yer face in. 238 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:04,680 - You look very nice. - Thank ye. 239 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,360 Mr Fraser and Miss Blodwen! 240 00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:10,760 Captain, good evening. My niece. 241 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,440 How do you do, Miss Blodwen? 242 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:19,360 - I see your niece is a Land Girl. - I didn't have time to put on a dress. 243 00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:22,840 Your partner amply made up for it! 244 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:29,480 Ye've got one black eye, and I ken fine how ye're going to get another. 245 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:33,240 Mr Godfrey and Miss Godfrey! 246 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:39,080 Take my arm, Cissy. It's just like old times, Charles. 247 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:45,120 - Have you seen Frank? - Not yet, Mrs Pike. - Oh, what's happened to him? 248 00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:47,680 Mavis, you worry too much. 249 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:51,280 Mr Wilson and Mrs Pike! 250 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:55,520 - You know my sister, don't you? - Yes, of course. 251 00:20:55,520 --> 00:21:00,560 - That's a nasty eye. - I ran into the door of the linen cupboard. 252 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:04,360 Folded card is awfully good for that. 253 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:10,200 - For a black eye? - No, for keeping the linen cupboard door shut. 254 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:13,200 What you need is a hot onion. 255 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:18,480 No, dear, that's for earache. No, mustard plaster's for earache. 256 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:24,120 No, darling, that's for backache. It's confusing, isn't it? 257 00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:27,160 It is, rather. Go and have a drink. 258 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:33,360 - Hello. - Mr Mainwaring, isn't it time we had a dance? - Yes, I'll tell Jones. 259 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:36,000 Jones, start the dancing. 260 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:40,240 Wait, sir. My consort's just arrived. 261 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:43,080 Mr Jones and Mrs Prosser! 262 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:45,720 Good evening, Captain. 263 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,760 Mrs Prosser, how do you do? 264 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:53,800 My dear, I've got to get along. Mr Mainwaring will look after you. 265 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:01,560 - Give us a ta-ra. - Right. 266 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:04,600 DRUM-ROLL AND TA-RA 267 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:09,240 - One, two, three. Is it on? - SCREECHING FEEDBACK 268 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:15,640 Jonesy, Jonesy, don't do that! It's not a barometer, it's a microphone. 269 00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:22,680 - Ladies and gentlemen, take your partners for the quickstep! - BAND STARTS UP 270 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:26,360 Now the fun starts. Here comes Pikey. 271 00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:33,160 Mr Mainwaring, I'd like to introduce my fiancee, Violet Gibbons. 272 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:36,240 How do you do? I knew your mother. 273 00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:42,200 - Who's that with Frank? - Forget about them. We've got each other. 274 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:45,520 Arthur, I'm having none of that. 275 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:50,480 - Well done, Mr Wilson. - I can't keep it up all night, Walker. 276 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:55,200 Er, this is Mrs Prosser... 277 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:12,120 Arthur, I shall have to sit down. That's ten dances without a break. 278 00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:17,160 - I could go on all night, Mavis. - Oh, Arthur! That's not like you. 279 00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:22,200 I'll make my announcement now. No, the amplifier's packed up. 280 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:27,240 You switched it off. Belt up! How dare you?! 281 00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:30,920 Turn it up nice and loud. No, Pikey! 282 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:37,720 Jonesy has an announcement. What's he going to announce? His cabaret. 283 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:42,760 - Mr Mainwaring says I shouldn't. - He's changed his mind. Hang on. 284 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,280 Ladies and gentlemen... 285 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:53,320 Cabaret comes to Walmington-on-Sea. With his famous impersonations of stars of stage, screen and radio, 286 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:57,040 the one and only Jolly Jack Jones! 287 00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:05,800 - # - Corporal Jones is on the air Oh, can't you hear the chimes? 288 00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:09,840 - # - They're telling you to take an easy chair 289 00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:14,600 - # - When sitting in the dance hall Take out your Radio Times 290 00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:18,040 - # - Cpl Jones at 8 is on the air! - # 291 00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:25,720 Here are a few impersonations of well-known wireless personalities. 292 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:33,560 And who do we see coming along here but our old friend, that good chap, big-hearted Arthur Askey! 293 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:38,960 Ho-ho, ho-ho-ho, ho-ho! 294 00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:41,760 Hello, playmates! Hello, playmates! 295 00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:45,240 Ho-ho! I theng yow, I theng yow. 296 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:50,280 And now, who else do we see coming down the road? 297 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:57,880 It's a well-known chap we all like. Jolly Jack Warner, with his bicycle and his little girl. 298 00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:02,920 - Oh, little girl... - TA-RA FROM BAND - Not yet, not yet! 299 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:05,920 Mind my bike, mind my bike. 300 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:09,880 - Hup and dahn the railway line. - TA-RA !! 301 00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:17,760 For a grand finale, I give you that Hollywood man, George Arliss, 302 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:22,880 in that well-known Hollywood film, The House Of Rothschild. 303 00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:32,080 APPLAUSE 304 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:42,480 Well, Count Legranz, have you decided to accept the offer of the House of Rothschild? 305 00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:45,840 You refuse? 306 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:48,680 Very well, Count Legranz. 307 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:52,720 But before I go, one word of warning. 308 00:25:54,080 --> 00:26:02,120 Remember that those who dig graves for others usually finish by sleeping in those graves themselves. 309 00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:04,960 Goodnight, Count Legranz. 310 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:08,720 And thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 311 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:12,760 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 312 00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:19,320 - Jonesy, go and do Charles Laughton. - I don't do Charles Laughton. 313 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:22,240 Do Freddie Bartholomew. Too late! 314 00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:28,760 I'd like to make an announcement, since you're all gathered here tonight. 315 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,280 I'd like to introduce... 316 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:38,360 # 'Was it all a dream, a joy supreme That came to us in the gloom? 317 00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:43,080 # 'You know it isn't a dream...' # 318 00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:00,480 Oh, hello, Wilson. 319 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:06,080 - I didn't realise you were... you were still here. - Good heavens! 320 00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,840 Did you get locked out, too, sir? 321 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,600 Oh, no, no. Not at all. 322 00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:15,640 Elizabeth's very absent-minded, you know. 323 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:20,680 She probably put the catch on, not realising that I was in...out. 324 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:28,320 - Hello, Uncle, Mr Mainwaring. - Hello, Frank. 325 00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:31,640 - Couldn't you get in, either? - No. 326 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:37,880 Mum threw a bucket of water over me. That's what she does to the cat. 327 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:40,920 It's supposed to cool their ardour. 328 00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:44,960 Yes, well, it certainly does that, Uncle. 329 00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:48,000 I don't think I'll get married. 330 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:50,960 - Very wise, Frank. - I - never did. 331 00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:57,920 It was a super dance, Mr Mainwaring. 332 00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:00,960 - Yes, very good. - Yes... 333 00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:07,480 It was pity Fraser hit the Verger over the head with that altar candle. 334 00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:14,120 It started when Jonesy stuffed that maid of honour down Mrs Verger's dress, 335 00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:16,800 shouting, "Coals for Newcastle!" 336 00:28:26,120 --> 00:28:32,960 Walker had no business to take those two girls down into the crypt, you know. 337 00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:40,840 The Vicar will be very distressed about that. That sort of thing leaves a nasty taste in the mouth. 338 00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:43,600 Still, it was a good dance. 339 00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:51,120 Oh, I think we should have these...these get-togethers on an occasion, occasionally. 340 00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:58,080 Helps our wives and sweethearts to think that we're all pulling...pulling... 341 00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:01,120 - In opposite directions. - Yes. 342 00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:56,200 Subtitles by John Macdonald BBC Scotland 1992