# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think we're on the run?
# We are the boys who will stop your little game
# We are the boys who will make you think again
# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think old England's done?
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think old England's done? #
Now pay attention, men.
This war has now been in progress for eighteen months.
It's becoming increasingly clear that Jerry is feeling the pinch.
True, he's thrown us out of Greece and he's thrown us out of Crete.
He did it by using parachute troops.
No doubt 1941 will go down in history as the year the parachute revolutionised military strategy.
Mind you, I saw all this coming a long time ago, but nobody listened to me.
I can remember as far back as 1936, my wife and I were on holiday at Bognor. Bognor Regis.
And, er...I went up for a five shilling trip in a biplane,
Mr Alan Cobham's Flying Circus.
And, er...we were soaring through the clouds, wind blowing in my face.
I looked down and suddenly...
..the idea came to me in a flash parachute troops.
So I went straight back to the boarding...the hotel where we were staying
and wrote a long letter to the War Office explaining the whole thing.
Believe it or not, gentlemen, they didn't even bother to reply.
Like our great leader, Winston Churchill, I was a voice crying in the wilderness,
"Wake up, England!"
Or was that Gillie Potter?
However, the boot is on the other foot and I am in a position where my ideas are no longer ignored.
Well, at least in Walmington-on-Sea.
- I expect you're wondering where all this is leading. - It'll lead to us not getting a drink.
- Blether, blether. - What did you say?
I was just thinking. Very profound, sir. Very profound thinking indeed.
Thank you, Frazer. I have received a memo from GHQ and which has been sent to all Home Guard units.
"To all ranks of the Home Guard.
"In order to create confusion, the enemy has been dropping empty parachutes in the southern counties.
- "All parachutes found must be reported to GHQ." - Permission to speak, sir. - Yes.
Supposing one of our lads jumps out of an aeroplane wearing a parachute
and, having landed on the ground, divests himself of same, walks away
and then we're marching along a bit nonchalant and one of us spies it and might gesticulate towards it.
Now we do not know if it IS his, because he walked away previous.
What we want to know is, how do we know it's a British parachute or a Hun one?
- That's a very good question. - Yes, it is. Beautifully phrased.
Well, it so happens, Jones, that the answer to your question is here in this memo.
Oh, thank you...
"Our parachutes are pure white. Nazi parachutes are a dirty, off-white, creamy colour."
As one might have expected.
- There's your answer. If it's not white, it's not ours. - Thank you.
Now there's more in this memo than meets the eye.
Rudolf Hess was dropped into this country by parachute six weeks ago since when we've heard nothing.
It's quite obvious to me that the rats are leaving the sinking ship.
- Other Nazi leaders may be here. - The new commissionaire at the cinema looks like Herr Hitler.
- He does. He's got a moustache and a stiff arm. - All right. Settle down.
May sound absurd, but it's the sort of thing we should check against.
- When you go to the pictures, ask to see his identity card. - Love to.
If we do find an empty parachute, by the time we report to HQ,
whoever was on the end of it could be miles away.
We should use a tracker dog to lead us direct to whoever came down in it.
Excellent idea, Frazer. Problem is, none of us has a dog.
- I know where I can lay me hands on a dog. - Is he a smeller? - Eh?
- Pick up a scent? - Anything you like. Is it fierce? Anything you like.
- When can you have this dog here? - Some time tomorrow night. - Good. That's settled. Dismiss the men.
Platoon, attention! All right. Dismiss.
- Coming for a drink? - I want a word with Capt Mainwaring. See you there.
- Yes. - Can I have a word, sir?
- Yes, certainly, Walker. - It's, er...a little bit intimate. - I think I'll go.
- Don't go. You might be able to give advice. You don't mind...? - No, no, no.
Intimate? I hope that in addition to being your commanding officer I'm also your friend. What is it?
Well, er...
- Well, come on. Is it a woman? - ..Eh?!
- Is it a woman? - I think I will go.
- It's not a woman. It's a parachute. I found one. - Oh, is that all?
- When?! - About two weeks ago in the woods. - Why didn't you report it?
- You've only just told us. - You should have done something about it. - I did. - What did you do?
I had it made up into eight dozen pairs.
(Eight dozen pairs...?)
Eight dozen pairs of what?
- Eight dozen pairs of ladies' knickers. - Ladies' knickers? - Yes. - Ladies' knickers?! Here we are,
with our backs to the wall, rations cut to the bone, the Nazis poised to attack,
- and you had a parachute made into ladies' knickers?! - Do stop using that word. - All right. Bloomers.
I wasn't to know, was I? It was just lying there on the ground. Nobody wants an empty parachute.
- I thought, "All that lovely silk going to waste." - All right.
- Was it ours or theirs? - Eh?
Our parachutes are white. Nazi parachutes are cream. Was it white or cream?
- I don't remember. - Find a pair.
Sold 'em all on me stall. Went like hot cakes.
There must be some material over.
- I gave this bloke the whole parachute to make up. - Find him. - I can't. He moves around a lot.
We must get our hands on a pair of these ladies'...underthings and find out if they're white or cream.
If Walker's made up eight dozen pairs of this, er...lingerie...
- What? - Lingerie. Plenty of people bought them.
Yes, that's good thinking, Wilson. There must be plenty about.
Come to the bank tomorrow afternoon and we'll make some enquiries. We must get to the bottom of this.
Shouldn't have any trouble. They all know me in Walmington-on-Sea.
- A bank manager commands respect. Good afternoon. - We don't want any.
We'd better try the next house.
No, you don't want to give up as easily as that. Let me try.
You've got to be persistent, get the old foot in the door.
Ah, good day, sir.
Oooh!
(This'll be a pushover.)
Good day, sir. I believe your missus has got a pair of my pants.
< Up to your old tricks again?! < No, Jim, you've got me all wrong!
< I'll teach you, my girl ! WOMAN SCREAMS
Yes, I think we'll move on.
That's very quick.
Good afternoon. I'm Mr Mainwaring, the manager of the Swallow Bank.
We're here on a delicate mission. I wish to see your underwear.
- It is to ascertain whether it's white or cream. There's a simple explanation for... - How dare you?!
- All right, sir? - I'm fine, Wilson.
- You try the next one. - Do you think that's wise? - Oh, get on with it!
- Nobody's going to bite you. - You can't be too sure, sir.
- Ah. - Hello. - Good afternoon.
- Well, what can I do for you? - Well, the fact is, I, er...
- I, er... - Yes?
- We, er...well...I'd, um... - Get on with it, Wilson! - Of course.
I was just wondering if I could, if you wouldn't mind if I...
Really! Come on in, won't you?
Not you two. Just him.
Excuse me, sir. I won't be a moment.
Mr Mainwaring, have you noticed the extraordinary influence that Mr Wilson seems to have over women?
I'm getting rather tired of Wilson's sordid little peccadillos.
- I won't discuss them. They bore me. - Sorry I spoke.
- Well, thank you, and good day. - You're welcome. T.T.F.N.
Well, were they white or were they cream?
No, actually they were blue.
- Surely we'll have some luck here. - I don't think anyone's at home.
Hang on. I'll have a look through the letter-box.
There's a little boy in the hall. Little boy, is your mummy at home?
- He's all alone. - That's no good. - Hang on. I've got an idea.
Little boy, come here. Put your ear down against the letter-box.
Will you go upstairs, look in your mother's bedroom...?
- You never know what he's up to. - It's all right. I've fixed it.
- That's them, Warden. I hear you've been asking funny questions. - Clear off and go home!
I've read about people like him. What's your game?
- There's a perfectly innocent explanation. - There you are, sir.
Now I want you to imagine you're marching along,
and suddenly you're attacked by enemy gunfire. Now what do you do?
- Kneel down. - No, you don't do anything silly like that. You fall flat on your face.
When you're attacked by enemy gunfire, you've got to remember four important things.
First...
Down, crawl, observe and fire. Have you got that?
So I'm marching along, aren't I? I'm marching along like this.
You're the Nazi machine-gunner, Pikey. As soon as I march round the corner, let me have it.
Back him up with machine-gun noises.
I'm marching, birds are singing...
- Shall I make bird noises? - No, no, don't bother. - I'm good at bird noises.
- I'm marching... - Get on with it!
I'm marching along...
RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT !! It's no use waving your hand, you're dead.
I'm not dead. I haven't marched round the corner yet.
I'm coming round the corner now.
RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT !!
Now I don't know if you noticed, but I did that in slow motion.
- What's the difference? - My body rests on my arm and my rifle sticks up.
- They don't like it up 'em. - Don't try and be funny.
So now here comes the crawl. Crawl ! Crawl ! Crawl !
Observe! Observe! And fire!
Fire! Bang! Bang! Fire!
- Mr Jones. Mr Jones. - What is it?
- What's up? - Why do you crawl away from where you fell before you fire?
That's a good question and there's a simple answer.
The enemy has been watching the spot where you got down.
If you started to fire before you got away from where you went down,
the enemy would know where you were as they're watching where you fell.
If you crawl away and fire, away from the spot where you got down,
the enemy would be surprised as they're watching where you fell and not where you are. Got that?
Up to where you said it was simple, yes.
Fetch Mr Mainwaring. We'll show him what I taught you.
- Right, boys? Rat-a-tat-a-tat! Down! - Down! - Crawl ! - Crawl !
- Observe! - Observe! - Fire! - Fire!
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
It's all right, Pike. I can help meself up this time.
- What have you got here? - There he is. What do you think?
- He's certainly a smeller. - Don't be cheeky. Hello, Mr Mainwaring.
- One tracking dog as ordered. - Ah, well, very nice animal.
- Did you manage to get hold of any of those...? - No, not a single pair.
- We'll never know if they were white or cream. - Let's not discuss it now.
Let's have a look at this dog.
- Has he got the stamina to track miles and miles of country? - He can go on for days.
Full of life.
We should try him out under actual combat conditions and find out.
Someone has to be the Nazi paratrooper for the scent.
I'll be a Nazi paratrooper so the dog can get my scent.
You don't need a dog for that.
All right, all right, Walker. Now look, take the dog out,
- and the rest of the platoon and when Jones has laid the scent, I'll blow the whistle. - Right, sir.
- Off you go. - Oi. - Can you manage?
- Let's hope he turns out to be a good tracker. - Yes. - Might be quite an asset to the platoon.
- Now you're the Nazi paratrooper. - Right, sir. - Just a minute.
What do you think he should be? A Nazi leader, spy or saboteur?
A saboteur. A Nazi leader coming to give himself up wouldn't run away.
- Very good thinking. Now you'd better be... - Yes, sir.
You're a saboteur, dropped by parachute, here to blow up a key position. Take off your blouse.
- What for, sir? - So that you can lay a trail for the scent for the dog.
- I see, sir. I'm pretending to be a saboteur, am I now, sir? - Yes.
- I've got to do it now, sir? - Yes.
So this is Walmington-on-Sea. I think I'll blow up a key position. I think I'll blow up the bank.
- I'd, er...make that the Town Hall. - Yes. I'll make that the Town Hall.
Better nick off before I'm spotted.
There, sir. I've made the smell.
- "I've laid a scent." - Oh, that's nice of you. Thank you very much.
Right, here we go then.
Right, there's the parachute. See if the dog can take the scent up.
- That's it. - Off you go.
Other way. Other way.
He's going up the tower steps.
- He's got the scent all right. - Seems to have done, sir.
- Mavis, don't startle me like that. - I didn't mean to startle you. How much longer will you be?
- (Remember it's our tete-a-tete supper tonight.) - Potato supper?
Tete-a-tete supper. Tonight is the anniversary of when we first met.
- We have a tete-a-tete supper every year. I don't want it ruined by him being late. - Mavis, please.
Mrs Pike, I cannot have your domestic affairs interfering with the running of my platoon.
- I've blown up the Town Hall, sir. - Well done.
Here, Mr Mainwaring, I've just remembered. I sold the last pair to Mrs Pike.
It was a British parachute. Look!
I do think you might have told us, Wilson.
Blimey!
GERMAN ACCENT: Excuse, please. Not now, mate.
Where is Downsend Woods? Where? Downsend Woods. It's marked here.
Oh, it's about a mile over there. Thank you.
Ruddy thing!
- Wilson, look! - Good heavens!
All right, men. Follow me. At the double.
Here, Godfrey, cop hold of that. Come on, boy. Come on. There we go.
Caught him red-handed. Right, keep him covered, men.
Out you come with your hands up. Still got plenty of fight in him.
Grab him!
- Let's see what we've caught. Jones, get out your bayonet. - Yes, sir.
- Slit it open. - I'll slit him open all right.
You! You ruddy hooligans!
- Mr Mainwaring, look what the dog's doing. - He's picking up the scent.
He's got it! Come on, men!
Oi, come back!
Right, we've got him. Jones, tell him to come out with his hands up.
Oi, come ze out with Hande hoch!
He's not German. He's Chinese.
- Are you looking for a man with a German accent? - Of course I am!
- One came up when I was getting that parachute down. - It's his, you fool !
- He asked me the way to Downsend Woods. - Come on!
- Hand me the glasses, Wilson. - Right, sir.
- Can any of you see anything? - That's Downsend Woods.
Look, sir. There's somebody up that tree.
That's him all right!
- I think all these trees are confusing him, sir. - There he goes. Come on.
DOG BARKS
Look, he must have been a saboteur. He's blown the building up.
It was bombed in an air-raid last year.
- That's why we didn't hear the bang. - Oh, don't be ridiculous. Come on.
- He's gone inside, sir. - Right, house drill, men. Get rid of the dog.
I'll wait round the corner.
Right, Walker.
- Right, the game's up. - You're not going to get it.
I've waited years. I've schemed and I've planned.
He's got a bomb! Oh, blimey!
No, not to me!
Don't panic! Don't panic!
Agghh! This is not a bomb!
It's too light. It's an egg!
- It's mine! - Aren't you a German saboteur?
No, I'm a Viennese ornithologist.
- Birdwatcher. - I read that a golden oriole had been spotted in these woods. It's a very rare bird.
All my life, I've wanted one of the eggs. You should have come to me.
Why did you run away like that?
It's against the law to take the eggs.
You might've been shot out of hand.
Hence the expression a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
GERMAN ACCENT: Why do you keep running away?
I've been trying to give myself up!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd