1 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:07,200 # Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler? 2 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:11,920 # If you think we're on the run 3 00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:17,000 # We are the boys who'll stop your little game 4 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:22,000 # We are the boys who will make you think again 5 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:27,160 # Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler? 6 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:31,680 # If you think old England's done 7 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:36,520 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21 8 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:40,920 # But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun 9 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:45,880 # So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler? 10 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:49,920 # If you think Old England's done. # 11 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:55,840 # A room with a view 12 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:57,600 # And you 13 00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:00,840 # No-one to worry us No-one to hurry us 14 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:03,720 # Through this dream we found 15 00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:07,280 # We'll bill and we'll coo. # 16 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:14,600 Hello, sir. I wasn't expecting you till tomorrow morning. 17 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,400 No, I didn't go to London after all. 18 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,440 Oh, really? Was the lodge meeting cancelled? 19 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:20,760 No, but my wife didn't want to be left alone all night. 20 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:21,840 Oh, I see, yes, good. 21 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:24,560 - That's the trouble with women, quite a lot around. - Of course. 22 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:27,040 Yes. Time for parade? 23 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:30,480 Erm... Just about, sir, yes. 24 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:32,640 There's no need for you to stay, you know, sir. 25 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:35,440 - After all, we weren't expecting you. - Oh, that's all right. 26 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:37,560 You'll give them and half an hour's map reading 27 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,760 and I'll give them 15 minutes' lecture on the future of the war. 28 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:44,360 - I could do that for you, sir. - What do you know about the future of the war? 29 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:49,040 Well, I could manage. You could run off home if you like, sir. 30 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:54,280 - You trying to get rid of me? - Of course not, sir. 31 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,840 Hello, I didn't think you were going to be here, Mr Mainwaring. 32 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,360 Evidently not. Where's your uniform? 33 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,360 Me mum's put it in the wash tub. 34 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,440 She's w... 35 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:08,880 She's what? 36 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:11,800 - She said it smelled of bleach. - Of course it smells of bleach. 37 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:13,560 That's the mustard gas treatment. 38 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:17,280 She's in her cleaning mood. I'd go grab your bowler hat or she'll have that in the tub. 39 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:19,680 < I don't want to hear it. 40 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:22,600 Get that uniform here by tomorrow night. 41 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:23,640 Yes, sir. 42 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:26,920 TELEPHONE RINGS 43 00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:28,680 - See who that is. - Yes, of course. 44 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:31,560 Hello. 45 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:34,480 Wilson, Wilson. 46 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:38,120 How many times do I have to tell you not to say "hello" on the telephone? 47 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:39,640 Announce yourself, officially. 48 00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:41,960 This is HQ, Number One company, B platoon, 49 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:45,400 Walmington-on-Sea, Home Guard. And you are Platoon Sergeant Wilson. 50 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,080 Right. This is HQ, Number One platoon, B company, 51 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:49,960 Walmington-on-Sea, Home Guard. 52 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:53,160 This is Platoon Sergeant Wilson speaking, yes. 53 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:54,400 Oh, hello! 54 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:00,160 How awfully nice to hear from you again. 55 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:02,160 It has been a long time, hasn't it? 56 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:05,800 It really is ridiculous, yes. We must try to get together again soon. 57 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,640 Who is it? Who is it? 58 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:09,960 It's your wife, sir. 59 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,040 Hello, Elizabeth. 60 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,760 Yeah. 61 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:24,240 But I did get Empress her milk this morning. 62 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:28,040 Yes. I put her out. 63 00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:32,240 Oh? No, of course I'm not mistaken. I remember distinctly, distinctly. 64 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:34,520 She... She didn't particularly want to go. 65 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:43,120 But I did. I shouted goodbye from the kitchen door, dear. 66 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:47,800 You don't like me walking across the floor in my military boots. 67 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:50,520 WILSON LAUGHS 68 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:52,040 Just a moment. 69 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:53,560 - Wilson. - Sir? 70 00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:55,040 Go get the men on parade. 71 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:56,680 Right, sir, right. Yes. Yes. 72 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:02,840 Hello? 73 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:08,720 No, I haven't seen Corporal Jones yet. But I will. All in good time. 74 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,720 You must realise, dear, it's rather difficult asking 75 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:17,080 for under-the-counter oxtail and trying to keep discipline in the platoon. 76 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:20,200 I think you're being a bit unreasonable if I may say... 77 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:21,520 TAPPING ON PHONE 78 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:22,560 GASPS 79 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,000 Are the men ready for inspection? 80 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,600 Yes, sir, yes. One or two seem to be missing, though. 81 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:40,480 - Call the roll. - Right, sir, right. Jones, would you do that? 82 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:44,040 - Call the roll. - Right. Right. 83 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:47,640 Agnew? Not here. Hardcastle? Not here. 84 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:49,960 Godfrey? Not here. 85 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:52,200 Jones? Not h... Oh, yes. 86 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,040 Jones? Sir! 87 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:58,320 Jones, Jones! What's going on here? 88 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:03,360 I'm afraid there's a slight touch of absenteeism, sir. Without leave. 89 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:04,720 I should think there is. 90 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,400 What's the explanation for this? Where is everybody? 91 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,520 Well, I... I'd... 92 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:10,840 I'd rather not say, sir. 93 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:14,320 - What are you talking about? - Well, it would be sneaking. 94 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:18,520 Sneaking? I don't want any of that public school rubbish here. 95 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:21,200 I demand to know the whereabouts of my troops. 96 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:24,640 They're... They're in the pub, sir, playing darts. 97 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:28,720 - They're what? - In the pub playing darts, sir, against the ARP wardens. 98 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:34,840 - Did you give them permission? - I said I didn't think it was an awfully good idea, 99 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:39,080 and if it was all the same to them, I would rather that they didn't. 100 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,360 They thought they could get away with it, sir, 101 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,800 but I knew your suspicions would be aroused 102 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,080 as soon as you heard the words "fall in". 103 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:54,680 - Thank you very much, Corporal. Go back to your place. - Very good, sir. 104 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:58,440 This is absurd! The moment my back is t... 105 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:10,880 I'm going to pretend that this parade was called for 10 minutes later. 106 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:13,640 That gives you 10 minutes to get them back from the pub. All right? 107 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:15,480 - Yes. - Right. Off you go. Move. 108 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,360 Yes sir, all right. 109 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:20,920 - Wilson? - Yes. - I said move. - I am moving. - Well, move faster! 110 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,480 I'm very glad to see you here, Pike. 111 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,320 Oh, me mum doesn't like me going into pubs. 112 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:31,240 Quite right. 113 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:34,520 And you, Jones, I'm very glad to see that as usual you put duty first 114 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:37,280 - and didn't join the team. - I wasn't picked. 115 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:41,800 Here we are. 47. Chalk it up, Mr Godfrey. 116 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:46,320 That's 58 to the wardens and the Home Guard still on 301. 117 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:50,320 Cor blimey, isn't it about time folks got started? 118 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:51,160 Oh, dear. 119 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:53,400 Come on, get a double or they'll whitewash us. 120 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:56,080 You're putting me off. 121 00:06:57,840 --> 00:06:59,200 Oh! 122 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,000 Do you want to do any better? 123 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,480 Would you like me to move the board a bit nearer for you? 124 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,040 Hello, Mav! 125 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:09,800 - You're late tonight, love. - Well, I had to get Frank off to his parade. 126 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:11,600 Arthur isn't here, is he? 127 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:14,240 No, course not, he's minding the shop at the drill hall. 128 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:17,440 What's all this about? What's Pikey's mum doing with a warden? 129 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:19,040 How long's this been going on? 130 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:21,640 Dissipation is eating through the land like... 131 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:26,120 Like worms in a coffin lid. 132 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,200 - Could be interesting. - Yes. 133 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:35,200 I think perhaps it wasn't quite such a good idea after all, 134 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,280 you know, to miss the parade. 135 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:39,760 You know what he gets like. He gets all... 136 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,920 Hello, Mavis. What a surprise. 137 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:46,080 Yes, isn't it? 138 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:48,320 Yes, it is. I... 139 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:50,000 Gin and tonic, here we are. 140 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,360 And don't get all Nelly Dean like you did last week. 141 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,640 Excuse me, mate. Cor blimey, how do you do? 142 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:02,760 Mavis, do you know this... This fellow? 143 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:08,640 - He looks after me from time to time. - What? He looks after you? 144 00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:14,040 - Joe, you've got to help me. Tell him the drink came from you. - What for? 145 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:17,240 If he finds out I've been going out with her he'll half kill me. 146 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:20,000 No, Sergeant. He couldn't punch a hole in a new laid egg. 147 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:23,480 - Couldn't he? - Ha! 148 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,320 - Oi! - Are you talking to me? 149 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:30,480 Why did you come up here? You should be back in the hall playing soldiers. 150 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,160 I came to fetch the men. 151 00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:33,120 They're not coming. 152 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:35,800 There's two pints riding on this match and we're winning. 153 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,520 Go present your arms somewhere else. 154 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:40,400 - I don't think I like your tone. - Don't you? Well, try this one. 155 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:41,480 BLOWS RASPERRY 156 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:48,800 That's really rather vulgar, I think. Awful, that was. 157 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,560 I think you'd better come home with me. 158 00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:53,120 Well, the gentleman's bought me a drink. 159 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:56,840 - I think I'd like to finish it if you don't mind. - All right, yes. Yes! 160 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,400 If you wish, yes, I suppose. 161 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:00,920 Yes. 162 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:04,800 Yes, I suppose so. I'll see you later then, you fellas. 163 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:06,680 - Righto, Sergeant. - See you later. 164 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:12,240 Good night. Good night, then. Right. 165 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,400 That was interesting, wasn't it? 166 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:18,240 To hell with a man that wouldn't fight for his woman. 167 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:21,720 - I saw him off all right, didn't I? - Yes. 168 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:25,080 And we'll continue the game when your hands stop shaking. 169 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,400 Elizabeth? 170 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:31,560 Er... 171 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:36,040 I was just going to explain that when you slammed the receiver down. 172 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,640 All right, well, you put the receiver down then. 173 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:40,760 I haven't seen him yet, and I can't see him now 174 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:44,120 - because I've got a disciplinary crisis on my shoulders. I... - TAPPING ON PHONE 175 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:53,160 How long do you want the men to continue maintaining these weapons, sir? 176 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,880 That's all right, stand down. 177 00:09:56,280 --> 00:10:00,760 - Jones. - Sir? - Jones, I wanted a little word with you. 178 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:01,800 Er... 179 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:05,920 - Sit down, sit down. - Thank you, sir. Thank you. 180 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,920 I suppose being a butcher your business life is 181 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:12,800 rather difficult at the moment, isn't it? 182 00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:17,760 Oh, it is, it is, sir. Everyone wants a bit under the counter. 183 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:21,560 Yes, I'm sure they do. 184 00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:25,280 If I could tell you some of the things that have been offered to me 185 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:26,360 for a bit on the side... 186 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,240 ..it would make your hair stand on end. 187 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:39,760 Mind you, I couldn't take advantage of half of them. 188 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:42,760 Not even if I was so inclined. 189 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:47,480 Well, as you know, I never ask any favours. 190 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,760 I don't quite follow you, sir. 191 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:53,960 Well, it's just this ridiculous urge that Mrs Mainwaring 192 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:59,400 has conceived for oxtail. You know how women are from time to time. 193 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:02,200 You mean like pickles? 194 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,120 Pickles? 195 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,200 Yeah, for pickles. 196 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:07,200 I don't think I quite follow you. 197 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:12,120 At certain times, ladies and women take a fancy to pickles. 198 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:13,840 Do they? 199 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:17,880 Mrs Mainwaring doesn't want pickles, she wants oxtail. 200 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:19,320 She shall have one, sir. 201 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,440 We've got the finest oxtail in my cold room 202 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,520 and I shall take it round to her personally. 203 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,480 That's very kind of you. Thank you very much. 204 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:28,280 Well, I must say, this is a very exciting bit of news, sir. 205 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,000 What is? 206 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:36,280 Well, you know, Mrs Mainwaring fancying a bit of oxtail, 207 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:37,760 if you know what I mean. 208 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:41,360 Is it? I wouldn't say it was particularly exciting. 209 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,720 Well, it must be very unexpected. 210 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:47,280 No, it's not really unexpected. 211 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:52,560 It's just that this Mrs Mainwaring gets like that from time to time. 212 00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:57,520 Excuse me asking you, sir, but how is it you've never had any? 213 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:03,120 I don't know, I suppose 214 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:05,960 it's just that I've never wanted to ask for your help before. 215 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:11,240 PHONE RINGS 216 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:16,080 HQ... Elizabeth? 217 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:18,960 Yes, I've got very good news for you, my dear. 218 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,120 Yes, your troubles are over. 219 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,160 Mr Jones is going to deliver it himself. 220 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:31,160 - Right, thank you very much. - Yes, thank you very much. Thank you, sir. 221 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:37,200 Ah, there you are. Right. Get the men on parade. 222 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,800 - What was that, sir? - I said, get the men on parade. 223 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,600 The men? Oh, yes, the men, of course. 224 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:47,520 Yes, well, I'm not sure that they are here yet. 225 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:49,960 Do you mean to say you came away without them? 226 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:54,000 - I suppose I must have done. - Well, didn't you tell them? 227 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:57,520 - Yes, I think so, yes, yes. - You think so? That's what you went for! 228 00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:00,200 This fellow, Hodges, this warden fellow, this Hodges man, 229 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:03,360 keeps giving Mavis drinks and he said last week she was Nellie Dean. 230 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:05,520 I beg your pardon? 231 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:09,360 Then he made a rude noise. He made a rude noise. 232 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:11,840 I think your mind's wandering, Wilson. 233 00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:16,240 You let it dwell too much on unhealthy things. 234 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:21,280 I'm going to give you one more chance to redeem yourself. 235 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:23,400 I'm going back there to that pub with you. 236 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,000 And if we don't get those men back here, then you can consider 237 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,720 yourself relieved of your command and under open arrest. Right? 238 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:34,640 Corporal Jones! You're coming with us to the public house. 239 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:36,760 Oh, thank you very much, sir. 240 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:44,480 It could well be that destiny is moving in your direction. 241 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:51,440 - Look who's coming! - Oh, I'm just about in the mood for him. 242 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:54,040 Look here, Napoleon, if you've come here to break up the game, 243 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:59,080 - think again because they're not coming. - I've nothing to say to you, so kindly mind your own business. 244 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,280 Walker. 245 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:05,480 Do that tunic up. You're a disgrace to the platoon. 246 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,200 I'm sorry, sir, we thought you were down in London. 247 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:12,280 - Go on, do as Daddy says, do your tunic up! - Will you be quiet? 248 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,280 Now, listen, men. 249 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:18,760 I don't know if this is deliberate disobedience or just a misunderstanding. 250 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:22,640 But you are all absent off parade. Now double up and fall in outside. 251 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,200 Wait a minute, it's one game all, you're not leaving now! 252 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:26,400 Oh, yes they are. 253 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,680 Hang on, it's a little bit difficult, sir. 254 00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,040 I mean, we promised him a game. 255 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:33,200 The war is more important than games, Walker. 256 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:38,160 I know, but the Nazis aren't coming just at this minute, are they? I mean, we've got half-an-hour or so. 257 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:43,240 - We are finishing the game, Captain Mainwaring. - You know, like Drake? 258 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,080 I tell you what, if the bells ring, 259 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:47,360 I'll send them round in time for the battle! 260 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:48,640 We'll bring our darts! 261 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:53,240 We're not coming, sir. 262 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:57,640 Don't speak to me like that, Frazer. Fall in outside. 263 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:00,160 You cannae make us. 264 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:04,920 Private Godfrey. 265 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:08,360 - He's not coming either. - Shall I? 266 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,280 Don't rat on us, you blackleg. 267 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:13,200 I think you've taken leave of your senses. 268 00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,520 Anyway... 269 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,360 If you're back in the hall within the next five minutes, 270 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,400 we'll say no more about it. 271 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:24,920 - Come on, get off your high horse and have a pint! - Have a drink! 272 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,600 Yes, sir, have a couple of jars and we'll all go back together. 273 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,480 Come on, Wilson. They've obviously had too much to drink 274 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,480 or they wouldn't be behaving this way. Jones. 275 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:34,720 - Yes, coming sir, I've got a pint coming up. - Jones! 276 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:43,080 Mavis, Mavis, I really would like you to come back with me now, please. 277 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:46,760 - What would I do then? Watch you lot playing soldiers? - Wilson. 278 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:52,200 - Right, right, sir, coming. - Right, 279 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:56,600 that's got rid of him. Now, it's one game all. Here we go then. 280 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:57,640 That's it. 281 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,640 My turn to shoot for a double. 282 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:04,200 I'm not altogether sure we've done the right thing. 283 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,960 It did seem a bit put out, didn't he? 284 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,080 Och, that man is nothing but a bag of wind. 285 00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:11,320 I don't like to let him down, you know. He wouldn't let me down. 286 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:15,000 - I think I'd rather go back. - No, you don't! 287 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:17,520 We're in this together and we'll see it through together. 288 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,800 I'm not going to stand by and see any namby-pamby 289 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,480 creeper crawling back. 290 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,160 Look, hang on, Charlie, I think we ought to stick together. 291 00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:27,920 I'm sorry, Mr Frazer, but that sort of talk doesn't influence me the slightest bit. 292 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,280 I'm going to do what is right. 293 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:31,680 You blackleg! 294 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:33,960 Now, don't say that, don't call him that. 295 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,960 Are you going to play darts or stand there blathering all night? 296 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,800 Come on, Joe, it's your go. Come on! 297 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,280 Yeah, all right, come on we'll play darts. 298 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:43,320 There you go. 299 00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:50,240 This whole thing is totally beyond my comprehension, Wilson. 300 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:55,160 Fancy men not wanting to come on parade? 301 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,680 I mean, it's the highlight of my day. 302 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,920 Do you know, whilst I'm having my tea, 303 00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:10,560 I can feel the excitement mounting inside me. 304 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:13,480 I put on my uniform and I march down here to the parade 305 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:17,280 and I feel a warm glow of pride in what we're doing, 306 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:19,080 what we have achieved. 307 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,960 We are doing something for England. 308 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,840 This platoon that we've worked so hard for months to mould 309 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:32,680 into an efficient fighting body of men, 310 00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:35,320 stuck there in the saloon bar, drunk, whingeing? 311 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:37,880 What? 312 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:44,640 Walker, standing there with a cigarette drooping from the corner of his mouth. 313 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:47,160 Collar wide-open like some lounge lizard. 314 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:53,760 I-I-I don't understand it, do you? 315 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,560 Mmm? 316 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:58,000 I said, I don't understand it, do you? 317 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:01,920 No, I can't understand what she sees in him, you see. 318 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:07,160 Really, I mean he's such a coarse sort of man, isn't he? 319 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,440 So coarse, don't you think? Coarse. 320 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:13,080 I don't think you've heard one word that I've been saying. 321 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:17,480 - Sir, I'm afraid I have got some very bad news, sir. - Oh? 322 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:20,840 They have had some tea but they are still un-present. 323 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,360 They've got to be taught a lesson, Wilson. 324 00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:28,560 I'd like to teach them a lesson, sir. Put them all on a fizzer. 325 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:29,960 Oh, we can't do that. 326 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,480 Well, we'll have to have some field punishment for them. 327 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,600 We could tie them to the wheels of a gun carriage. 328 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,480 We haven't got a gun carriage. 329 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,240 We should take away their privileges. 330 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:40,800 We haven't got any privileges. 331 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:43,560 Well we could give them some privileges and then take them away. 332 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,240 PHONE RINGS 333 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:47,920 - See who that is. - I expect it's your wife, sir. 334 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,040 No, no, that'll be the last straw. 335 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:53,680 Now, look here, Elizabeth, I really must ask you not to... 336 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:54,760 What, sir? 337 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:58,360 I beg your pardon. Ahem. 338 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,080 Great Scott! 339 00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:03,440 Yes, yes, of course. 340 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:08,080 You can rely on us to give every support possible, yes. 341 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,840 I'll send every available man I have, all right. 342 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:14,240 Leave the whole thing entirely in my hands, sir, yes. Right, bye. 343 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,440 This would happen at a time like this, wouldn't it? 344 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:20,920 An IRA suspect has been located in Ivy Crescent. 345 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,760 - That's a police job. - It would be normally. 346 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:24,800 Apparently he's armed. 347 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:28,200 The police have got no weapons and they've called on us for support. 348 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,240 And they shall have it, they shall have it, sir. 349 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:31,880 We shall be there, we shall be there. 350 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,560 - Shall I run along to the pub and get the others, sir? - No. 351 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,720 Three loyal men are worth 100 backsliders. 352 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,680 No, no, we'll march alone. 353 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:47,160 What did he say about the backsides? Backsides, what was that? 354 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:55,920 - This is it, 27. - Where's that police squad, then? 355 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,760 Well, they are supposed to meet us here. 356 00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:59,760 Good evening, you the man from the Home Guard? 357 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:03,760 - That's right, Captain Mainwaring. - I'm a policeman. - How do you do? 358 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:05,360 Where's your squad? 359 00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:07,560 I'm the only one the sergeant could spare. 360 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:10,320 There isn't a raid on, where's the rest of them? 361 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,000 Playing darts. 362 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:15,680 Against the Free French. 363 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:20,000 Well, you see, the sergeant would have called it off 364 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,480 only he don't know the French for cancelled. 365 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,840 I see. Well, we'll just have to see it through ourselves. 366 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:31,640 Best be a bit careful because they can be pretty ugly customers and he's armed and all. 367 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,520 Oh, we are not worried about arms. 368 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,040 We shall be using jujitsu. 369 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:43,800 Now, when he comes out, I shall grab his arm... 370 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,640 - Jones will be kneeling down here to trip him up. - Right, right. 371 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:47,880 Not now, not now. 372 00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:53,360 - Pike, you will dive in and get him in a lock. Right? - What sort of lock? 373 00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:54,800 What about this one? 374 00:20:58,520 --> 00:20:59,600 What are you doing? 375 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:02,320 Very lucky for you that I didn't counter that 376 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,960 or you'd be flat on your back by now. 377 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:10,680 Right. Here we go. 378 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:11,720 DOORBELL RINGS 379 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:17,120 - Now, take this gun. - Right, sir. - Stand over there. - Right, right. 380 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:20,000 And don't shoot unless it's absolutely necessary. 381 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:23,360 Remember, this man is British. Basically. 382 00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:26,200 Excuse me, sir, I think you ought to ring again, sir, 383 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:29,560 he might be listening to Lord Haw-Haw or Vera Lynn, you know. 384 00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:33,760 - He's coming! - Right, stand back. 385 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,880 Here, what am I supposed to do? 386 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,400 - Arrest him, of course. - Oh. 387 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:41,800 Right, here we go! Hey! 388 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,000 It's Mr Mainwaring, Mr Mainwaring! 389 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:54,000 Here, here, it's an awful mischief you've been doing yourself 390 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,040 if you're not more careful. 391 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:59,680 - And you at your time of life an' all. - Grab this man! Get him! 392 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:05,800 - Let go of my arm, will you? - I'm trying, sir, I'm trying. - Let go! 393 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,400 I've got him, I've got him! 394 00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:12,280 Now, don't you try any more of your tricks. 395 00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:15,480 What tricks would I be playing, sir? I'm a God-fearing man 396 00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:19,720 and a faithful servant of His Holiness, the Pope. 397 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:21,280 Your name Patrick Regan? 398 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,040 Ah, no, no, no, 399 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,440 that'll be my twin brother you're talking about, sir. 400 00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:30,760 - Are you after him again? - He's bluffing, Constable. 401 00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:33,480 - Get him down to the station. - We can't take him there. 402 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:35,840 It was bombed the night before last. 403 00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:37,600 So it was. Where can we take him? 404 00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:42,200 We'll put him in my cold room, put him in my cold room and hang him on a hook, sir. 405 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,760 They're going to pick him up from your headquarters. 406 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:47,600 - Right, we'll take him down there. Wilson. - Yes. - Keep in behind him. 407 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,640 If you try anything, it'll be the worse for you. 408 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:52,520 Oh, no, no, what would I be trying, sir? 409 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,480 I don't blame you for being cautious. 410 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:57,200 My twin brother's a terrible rough man. 411 00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:00,320 By God, if I had been him, you'd have been in mortal danger. 412 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,920 All right, we've had enough blarney out of you. Quick march. 413 00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:05,760 Left, right, left, right. 414 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,240 Right, it's double four then. That's it! 415 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:13,680 - Two pints all-round! - Come on, where's your share, Taffy? - Lovely! 416 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:16,600 Sorry, the beer's off. 417 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:20,320 Oh, gorblimey, after bashing the living daylights out of them. 418 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:23,920 - Now, that is bad luck, Wally. - Well, I don't mind, another time. 419 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:28,240 Oh, no, gambling debts have to be paid on the spot, or not at all. 420 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:30,240 Look, there must be a drop left in the barrel. 421 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:33,360 Take it in the kitchen and put it through the mangle. 422 00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:35,200 Sorry, boys, there's a war on. 423 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:39,000 I'm a bit worried about Mainwaring. I think we ought to go back and finish off the parade. 424 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,520 Joe, you're weakening. You have the heart of a coward. 425 00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:43,600 No, it's not that, I don't like to see him upset. 426 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:46,760 If you're going, I'm coming with you because I can't wait to see his face 427 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,280 when I tell him us wardens have beaten his precious troops. 428 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:53,520 - Come on, Mave. - But Arthur will be there! - Who cares about him?! Come on! 429 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:55,440 Right, bring him in here. 430 00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:00,160 Now, sit down there and behave yourself. 431 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:02,800 Now, listen here, buddy, one false move out of you 432 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:04,960 and you'll be wearing a wooden overcoat. 433 00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:09,640 - Pike. - Yes, boss? - Don't be silly. 434 00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:14,320 You've a desperate band of men under you. 435 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:17,600 Yes, I have a curious feeling that we were being followed. 436 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:19,560 Don't be neurotic, Wilson. 437 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:23,880 - Constable. Go and look for the wagon. - Yes. Here's your gun back. 438 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:25,080 Oh, thank you, sir. 439 00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:29,200 Where is he, then? 440 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:34,880 - Where is he, then?! - W-w-where is who? 441 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:37,720 Your military man who's laid hands on Pat O'Regan. 442 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:41,720 - I'll split his head open and paper the walls with his guts. - Oh, I see. 443 00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:48,160 I-I think he might find him the other side of the stage, 444 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:49,800 one of the dressing rooms. 445 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,000 Come on, boys! 446 00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:55,960 Oh, good evening, Captain Mainwaring. 447 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,680 - Where have you been, Godfrey? - Before we go in to all that, 448 00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:01,120 I ought tell you that there are three very large Irish men 449 00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:04,000 out there who say they are going to do the most awful things to you. 450 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,080 - Shamus, I'm in here! - Grab him, Pike! 451 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:11,560 You do that again and you'll get this up you and you will not like it! 452 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:15,240 - Come on, Wilson, give me the gun. - I haven't got the gun, sir. 453 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:16,960 I gave the gun to you outside the house. 454 00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:19,880 - I must have given it to you back. - Shut that door. 455 00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:22,920 - They're here already. - Give me the key. - I haven't got the key, sir. 456 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:24,760 - I've locked it, sir. - Ah, good. 457 00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:28,200 - Pike, run like the wind and get the others. - Yes, sir. 458 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:30,480 HEAVY BANGING 459 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:32,760 - Now. - I thought you said three loyal men were better 460 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:34,200 than 100 men on their backside. 461 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,400 Don't talk rubbish, go on! 462 00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:40,000 Open up you misbegotten sons of Britannia! > 463 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:41,920 That's enough of that sort of talk. 464 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:45,240 - I call upon you to surrender in the name of the King. - Stuff the King! 465 00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:52,760 - Oh, come in, come in. - I've locked him in the hall, I've locked him in the hall. 466 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,840 - Quick thinking, Verger. - And if I hadn't, he'd have done for you. 467 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:57,760 I'm very grateful, I can assure you. 468 00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:00,280 When the vicar learns of this, there's going to be a rumpus. 469 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:02,640 - It's a misuse of the hall. - We can't go into all that now. 470 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:06,080 - You said it was for parades. - Permission to talk. You're trouble-making, you are. 471 00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,480 I'm not a troublemaker, you're the troublemaker! 472 00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:13,000 - You're the troublemaker! - If you ask me, I'd say the pair of youse are troublemakers. 473 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:14,880 You mind your own business! 474 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:22,440 - It's only us. Sorry we're late. - They're on their way here. 475 00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:24,600 I've told them all to report for duty, sir. 476 00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:26,240 Good, now we can get something done. 477 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:27,840 Godfrey, you will open the door 478 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,040 and then we will storm in and assault them. 479 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:31,960 Hang on, sir, I think I ought to go first. 480 00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:33,960 I volunteer to be the first man there, sir. 481 00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:37,320 - You can't... - All right, all right. Walker will go first. 482 00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:42,800 Right, everybody. Right, stand by, open the door. In we go. 483 00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:44,920 SHOUTING 484 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:46,760 PHONE RINGS 485 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:48,240 SHOUTING AND CRASHING 486 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:49,320 Hello? 487 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:52,920 Oh, Mrs Mainwaring, I'm afraid he's rather occupied at the moment. 488 00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:55,320 Yes, he's awfully busy, he'll see you later, goodbye. 489 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,040 BANGING AND SHOUTING CONTINUES 490 00:26:57,040 --> 00:27:00,960 - What's all this noise about, then? What's going on? - Where's Frank? 491 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,600 - Where is he? - All right, All right. 492 00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:05,680 ALL SHOUT AT ONCE 493 00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:10,280 All right, all right. 494 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:18,360 That softened them up a bit. 495 00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:23,800 - They've hurt you, Frank. - All right, Frank, all right. 496 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:27,160 - Go on, do something about it! - All right, Mavis, just leave it to me. 497 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:30,520 - Jonesy, will you please just open that door. - Open it? - Just open the door. 498 00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:33,600 Wilson. What are you doing? 499 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:36,240 BANGING Ooh! Urgh! 500 00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:43,520 SILENCE 501 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:49,520 Good God, Wilson! 502 00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:51,120 I'd never have believed it! 503 00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:55,280 - Would you all mind going home? Just clear off, will you? - Yes, I will. 504 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,240 I could do with an early night. 505 00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:00,240 - Arthur. - Yes. 506 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:03,320 - We could all do with an early night! - Yes... 507 00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:12,640 Well, men, we've all had a good early night and none of us 508 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:16,240 seems to be very much the worse for our experiences. 509 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:19,880 I must say I'm very proud with the way that you tackled 510 00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:21,320 an extremely dangerous task. 511 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:26,360 As for the other lapse, we'll forget all about that 512 00:28:26,360 --> 00:28:28,640 because I don't suppose it will happen again. 513 00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:30,360 Don't worry, sir, you can rely on us. 514 00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:33,360 I was against it from the very start. 515 00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:35,440 WALKER: Of course you were. 516 00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:41,760 There is just one other thing I'd like to mention. And that is this. 517 00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:43,960 That owing to a slight misunderstanding 518 00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:46,800 between Corporal Jones and myself, certain rumours 519 00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:50,640 have been circulating in this town regarding my wife's condition. 520 00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:54,360 They are quite untrue. 521 00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:58,560 Mrs Mainwaring and I have never been blessed that way 522 00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:00,560 but in every other way... 523 00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:06,320 It has been a most happy marriage. In fact, almost blissful. 524 00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:07,840 PHONE RINGS 525 00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:12,120 Would you like me to answer that, sir? 526 00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:14,560 No, thank you, Sergeant. 527 00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:17,280 It will probably be for me. 528 00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:53,880 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd