1 00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:07,960 # Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 2 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:12,080 # If you think we're on the run? 3 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:17,520 # We are the boys who will stop your little game 4 00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:22,640 # We are the boys who will make you think again 5 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:27,480 # Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 6 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:31,680 # If you think old England's done? 7 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:36,120 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21 8 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:41,160 # But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun 9 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:45,960 # So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 10 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:50,000 # If you think old England's done? # 11 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:55,840 Yes, I realise that, sir. 12 00:00:55,840 --> 00:01:02,880 I can't ask my men to do a thing like that. They're front-line fighting troops. 13 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:07,000 They can't wait to have a go at Jerry. 14 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:14,080 - Just a moment. Wilson, don't rustle that paper when I'm on the telephone. - Sorry, sir. 15 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:25,600 Sorry about that, sir. I will ask them but they won't like it. 16 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:33,240 - Very well. - Everything all right? - No, we're being taken off active duty for the next two weekends. 17 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:39,640 - Good. We'll have some free time. - No, we'll be guarding a POW camp. 18 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:44,360 The regular guards haven't had any leave for months. 19 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:52,080 - At last, we'll come face to face with some Nazis. - They're not Nazis, Wilson, they're Italians. 20 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:59,600 If Hitler kicks off during the next two weekends, we shan't be here to stop him. 21 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:04,640 We shall be playing nursemaid to comic opera soldiers. 22 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:11,680 # Give me land, lots of land, Under starry skies above, Don't fence me in. # 23 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:14,280 Platoon, halt! 24 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:16,800 Left turn. 25 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:20,600 Stand at ease. Stand easy. 26 00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:25,640 The prisoner of war camp is just round the corner. 27 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:30,560 There are 60 Italian POWs in there. They'll be a sloppy bunch. 28 00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:37,880 When we march through those gates, I want them to see what smart British soldiers look like. 29 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:39,920 Understood? 30 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:46,960 Now, don't forget, chests out, chins in, marching smartly to attention. 31 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,640 Squad, atten-shun! 32 00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:53,200 Slope arms. 33 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,960 Right turn. 34 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:04,560 By the left, quick march. 35 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:09,120 Left...left...left, right, left. 36 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,680 Left...left. 37 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:14,240 Platoon, halt. 38 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:23,360 Do you think this is the place, Wilson? 39 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:28,280 Mm? Well, I suppose it's quite possible. 40 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:35,520 - Better fall the men out. - Yes, sir. Would you mind falling out, please, all of you? 41 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:46,880 This is absurd. Whoever heard of a POW camp without guards? 42 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:52,680 - There's nobody up there, is there? - Not unless he's kneeling. - Watch it. 43 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:59,880 - Try ringing the front doorbell, sir. - Don't talk nonsense. POW camps don't have doorbells. 44 00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:04,920 - Hit that tin thing. Somebody might hear. - Ah. 45 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:09,920 Ridiculous! 46 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:13,240 Anyone there? Is anybody there? 47 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:18,720 - I say! - I don't like the look of this. It's just like Beau Geste. 48 00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:24,880 When the relief column got to the fort in the desert 49 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:29,920 the walls were lined with Legionnaires and they were all dead. 50 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:34,920 The captain shouted, "Is anybody there?" and got shot. 51 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:39,320 Stupid boy! 52 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:42,480 That was bow legs, not Beau Geste. 53 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:45,320 Somebody's coming out of that hut. 54 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:51,400 Hey, you! 55 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,520 He's ignoring me! Hey! 56 00:04:55,520 --> 00:05:00,600 Hey, you! Yes, you. Come here. 57 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,720 - Now, what's going on here? - Huh? 58 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:12,200 This looks very fishy. Who is in charge? 59 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:18,320 Who...is...in...ch...? Anybody here speak Italian? 60 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:25,440 I do a little, sir. Che gelida manina. 61 00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:32,800 - What did you say to him, Godfrey? - Your tiny hand is frozen. 62 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:39,680 - Why did you say that? - It's all the Italian I know. I like opera. 63 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:43,080 This is ridiculous. Open! 64 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:45,120 Open! 65 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:48,200 Ah, si, si. 66 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:58,880 I'm going to get to the bottom of this, Wilson. 67 00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:04,800 Make sure that man doesn't escape! 68 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:13,120 GRAMOPHONE PLAYS "O Cara Mia" 69 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,440 What are you doing? 70 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:27,320 Buongiorno! 71 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:33,440 - Who on earth are you? - Io? Mi chiamo Franco Bruno Otelo Monteverdi. 72 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:40,840 - Never mind all that. Don't you know that you should stand when an officer comes in? - Perche? 73 00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:46,320 You are only a capitano. You should stand up for me. I am a generale. 74 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:52,720 - A general? - Generale Franco Bruno Otelo... - Don't start that again. 75 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:57,160 - Where are the guards? - They go. 76 00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:06,000 - Go? - Yes, for a little holiday. The Polish capitanos left for you un piccolo biglietto. Ecco. 77 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,880 See what it says. 78 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,440 Right, sir. 79 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:19,200 "Forgive, please. We catch the 1:30 train to London. Otherwise we miss our end week leave." 80 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:23,720 - Sounds nice, "End week leave." - Get on with it! 81 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:31,240 "The Italian prisoners are quite tame and they work on the farms in the week. Back Sunday 2000 hours." 82 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:36,280 - That's...eight o'clock. - Yes, I know. Who signed it? 83 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:43,880 - Captain Shodski, Free Polish Forces. - With foreigners looking after each other, this is what happens! 84 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:51,440 - Yes, quite, sir. - It's outrageous. I'm going to report this Shodski to GHQ. Have you got a telephone? 85 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:56,360 Si, telefono. Is in the guard room. Non vi preoccupare. 86 00:07:56,360 --> 00:08:01,400 I've looked after everything very good until you have arrived. 87 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:08,960 - You're a prisoner of war! We're enemies. - No, it's not true. Siamo amici. We are friends, capitano. 88 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:13,480 I have refused to fight against the Inglesi. 89 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:19,520 Capitano, when I was in Africa, in the deserto, I surrendered. 90 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:24,600 Personal feelings are irrelevant. You're a prisoner of war. 91 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:31,480 I represent HM Government. From now on, I will run this camp properly. 92 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:36,840 - Shall I fall the men out, sir? - Yes, carry on, corporal. - Sir. 93 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:40,000 Hey, Joe! How are you? 94 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:46,280 - Knock it off. You don't know me. - No, you are my big friend! 95 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:51,320 - What's going on here? - That's the continental method, sir. 96 00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:56,520 - Do you know this man? - Which one? Oh, him. I've never seen him before. 97 00:08:56,520 --> 00:09:00,560 No, I have never seen him before in his life. 98 00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:03,600 - It all looks very queer to me. - Yes. 99 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:11,360 I've had enough of this foreign nonsense. From now on, this place will be run according to the book. 100 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:14,400 What are these men doing in bed? 101 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:22,040 - They are in a bed for the siesta. - Sie...? We'll soon see about that! On your feet, all of you! 102 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:29,160 - Get up! - Quick as you can, if you please. - Get Pike, Godfrey and Walker. 103 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:32,880 - Come on! - Please, capitano! 104 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:38,280 Don't wake them. They have worked very hard all week on the farms. 105 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:45,800 I've been working very hard all week in my bank. You don't catch me spending my leisure hours in bed. 106 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:53,320 - I'm up defending my country. - They would defend their country but it's too far away. - Poppycock! 107 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:59,080 - Come on! - Sergente, can you not stop him? - Get your hands off my sergeant. 108 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:01,760 This is a shambles. 109 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:06,040 Why aren't these men wearing POW uniforms? 110 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:15,000 They are very proud men. They like to wear their own uniform, molto elegante. Look how much more smart. 111 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:20,040 Left, right, left, right, left, right. Squad, halt. 112 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:22,600 Right turn. 113 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:29,960 All present men are correct, sir. 114 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:36,760 Thank you, corporal. General, that is what real soldiers look like. 115 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:44,280 Capitano, I keep telling you, we don't want to look like real soldiers. We are not enemies. 116 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:50,840 Until I receive orders to the contrary, we ARE enemies. You'd better do something about it. 117 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:58,480 - Capitano, you are very hard man. - I have to be. Otherwise we'd all be under the Nazi jackboot by now. 118 00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:05,120 Frazer, Pike, Godfrey, Walker, get the rest of the men on the parade ground at the double. 119 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:11,280 Right turn. At the double, quick march. Left, right. 120 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:16,280 - Signore. - No, grazie. Capitano, ti piace un pomodoro? 121 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:18,960 Don't be disgusting! 122 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:22,080 - Now, corporal. - Sir? 123 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:28,320 - Get these men on to the parade ground and count them. There should be 60. - Very good, sir. 124 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:33,840 - Come on then, on the move now. - Come on, on the move. On the... 125 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:38,080 Oh, it's like that, is it? Right! 126 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:45,120 COME ON! On the move! Come on then. Come on out! Hup! Hup! Hup! 127 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:53,960 That's the only language they understand, sir. They don't like it up 'em, sir. 128 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:59,000 - That's the stuff, corporal. Carry on. - Come on now, boys. 129 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:04,320 - Excellent, don't you think? - Indeed. - Capitano, you are very cruel man. 130 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:07,320 You don't think I'm enjoying this? 131 00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:13,040 - Corporal! - Sir? - Line 'em up in threes and count them. - Very good. 132 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:20,080 - Corporal Jones will soon tell us if any are missing. - They look rather alike to me. 133 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:28,400 - No, it's the Chinese that look all alike, like Chinese. - Sir, these look alike, like Italians. 134 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:32,720 JONES AND FRAZER COUNT POWs 135 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:38,880 JONES: Why don't you shut up? I can't do it properly. 136 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:43,480 FRAZER: Can I help it if you're illiterate? I've counted them. They're all there. 137 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:48,280 JONES: I can't help that. I have to start again. 138 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:52,800 - Corporal! - I've only got as far as four, sir. 139 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:59,240 - Never mind. Stop counting. Give them some drill. - Very good, sir. 140 00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:07,280 Now you'll see a first-class British NCO in action. He'll soon lick some shape into your chaps. 141 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:11,320 Squad, atten-SHUN. FEET THUD 142 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:15,800 Quick march! NO MOVEMENT 143 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:19,960 Quick... Oh, soldati avante! 144 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:24,280 MEN MARCH Left, right, left, right. 145 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:29,320 Squad, halt! MARCHING CONTINUES 146 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:32,920 Oh, my God! RUNNING FOOTSTEPS 147 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:39,960 Mr Mainwaring, what's Italian for "Halt"? CLATTERING 148 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,760 Oh, never mind. It's too late now. 149 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:47,440 # ..Dining at the Ritz 150 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:51,960 # And a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square. # 151 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:57,400 Never heard anything so stupid in my life, squeezing us in here. 152 00:13:57,400 --> 00:14:04,440 Captain Mainwaring wants us where he can lay his hands upon me in case of trouble. 153 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:09,680 - The rest are patrolling the wire. - I've had enough. I'm going down. 154 00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:16,760 We've got to stay here until we're relieved. I gotta be relieved NOW. 155 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:20,840 All right but don't be long. Move round. 156 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:25,280 Excuse me. Could I be excused as well? 157 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:32,320 - All right. Help him down the stairs, somebody. - I'll give you an 'and. 158 00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:43,080 I've been looking for you everywhere. Where have you been? 159 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:48,640 - I'll get your blokes out tonight as arranged. - No, it's too dangerous. 160 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:55,880 - Capitano Mainwaring is watching all the time. - We'll get 'em out through the escape tunnel. 161 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:59,080 It's too dangerous. I get shot! 162 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:06,720 - If I don't fulfil my orders, I'm done for! - You may be right. Without you, our cause would be lost. 163 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:13,760 Now, after I'm off duty, I'll go into Walmington on the bike and pick up the van. 164 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:21,320 - I'll park outside the wire. You get your blokes through the tunnel, into the van and away. - I don't like it. 165 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:28,840 - All you have to worry about is getting those radio sets working by morning. Right, TTFN. - Come here. 166 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,880 - TT...? - Ciao. - Oh, si. Ciao. 167 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:34,800 Eh, I don't like it. 168 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:39,800 OWL HOOTS Oh, dear, oh, dear. 169 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:42,360 Oh, dear! 170 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:48,120 What time is it, Wilson? 171 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:51,760 Five to twelve, sir. 172 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,400 2355, eh? 173 00:15:55,400 --> 00:16:00,440 We've been here for over two hours, sir, and nothing's happened. 174 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:07,960 - I don't think he's going to try tonight after all. - Believe me, Wilson, I know the criminal mind. 175 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:12,400 Walker will reveal himself sooner or later. 176 00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:19,840 - Godfrey. - Yes? - Are you sure that it was tonight he was going to help the prisoners escape? - Yes, sir. 177 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:24,880 He said he had to get them through the tunnel and into a van. 178 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:33,520 - It's hard to believe that Walker's a fifth columnist. - I've always said that spiv fellow was no good. 179 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:37,280 No doubt about it, no doubt at all! 180 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:45,600 Joe has been a friend of mine for years. To think I've been harbouring a viper between my bosoms. 181 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:55,840 I should have suspected something when I saw that general fling his arms round his neck. 182 00:16:55,840 --> 00:17:03,680 - A true Britisher would have repelled him. - If only we knew where the tunnel was. - I've got an idea. 183 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:10,720 Why don't I dress myself up as an Italian prisoner of war and mingle among them? 184 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:15,360 When they go down their tunnel, I can go with them, 185 00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:20,400 and all of a sudden I can stick my bayonet up through the ground. 186 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:27,160 You'll come along and espy it and you'll know the whereabouts of the tunnel. 187 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:34,080 Didn't you hear what I said, sir? 188 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:40,120 - Yes. - Sir, what's that? - It's Walker. Get down in case he sees us. 189 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:43,160 We'll go down and follow him. 190 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:12,320 - When I give the word, we rush in and catch him red-handed. - All right, sir. Stand by. 191 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:14,000 Now! 192 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:21,720 Right, Walker, the game's up. 193 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:29,400 - There's nobody here. - No. - They must have gone down through the tunnel. We've got to find it. 194 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:40,640 - Sorry. - I beg your pardon, sir. 195 00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:47,040 Here it is. 196 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:53,120 Good heavens, Pike, how on earth did you know it was there? 197 00:18:53,120 --> 00:19:00,720 - Well, we saw it in that film, "Escape from Stalag 9", didn't we? - It wasn't one of my favourites. 198 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:08,280 - There was that German actor. The women were potty about him. - Never mind that. Wilson! - Yes, sir? 199 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:13,320 Take Godfrey and Frazer and guard the other end of the tunnel. 200 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:18,560 If it's straight, it should come up 100 yards left of the main gate. 201 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:25,400 - Right, be careful. It's awfully dark. - The rest, come with me. 202 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:29,520 - What are you doing? - Helping you down. 203 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:32,400 Hurry up. We haven't got all night. 204 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:35,040 I'll soon have you away. 205 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:38,840 OWL HOOTS 206 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:42,160 Argh-gh! 207 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:46,880 Traitor! Traitor! Don't be barmy. Don't shoot! 208 00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:49,800 No, I'm no' gaunie shoot. 209 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:57,480 Shooting's too good for YOU. We're gaunie string you up on the hanging tree! 210 00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:02,520 Walker, really, this is...isn't it? It really is too bad. 211 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:07,560 Have you all gone barmy? Don't try and wriggle out of it! 212 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:14,920 - Mr Walker, why did you do it? - Eh? Do what? - Help the prisoners to escape. 213 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:20,120 What are you talking about? I'm only putting them on the night-shift. 214 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:29,960 - Night-shift? - Yeah. Down in one of my sheds. I pick 'em up at night and take 'em back in the morning. 215 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:35,480 - They help me assemble radio parts. - How long has this been going on? - It's been going on for months. 216 00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:42,640 - It's hard to get labour and I have orders to fulfil. - I'd better tell Captain Mainwaring. 217 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:50,880 - Push harder, Jones. - I AM pushing. Put your back into it, Pikey. 218 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:53,720 I can't. I'm in the wrong position. 219 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:57,640 - What's that? - Me head. 220 00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:04,960 - Who's that? - It's me, sir. - Did you catch Walker? - Yes, sir, but he's not a fifth columnist. 221 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:10,000 He was just taking the prisoners out to make radio sets. 222 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:15,240 - What? - Yes, radio sets. - I'll have him court-martialled for this. 223 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:20,280 - Look here, Wilson, I'm stuck. Lend a hand, will you? - All right. 224 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:24,640 - Now, when I say pull, pull. - Right. - Pull! 225 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:31,320 - Oh! Jones, what are you doing? - I'm pulling sir. You said pull. 226 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:37,600 - YOU don't pull. You PUSH. - Right, sir. - Right, push. Argh! 227 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:45,040 - Wilson! - Yes? - You don't push, you pull. - I'm sorry. - You pull, Jones pushes. Understand? - Yes, sir. 228 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:46,600 Push. 229 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,200 Pull...push. 230 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,080 Pull. 231 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:54,120 Look, rest. Rest. Rest, rest, rest. 232 00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:59,360 Why don't we do it as if we're unblocking a drain? 233 00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:06,680 - Yes, sir, would you like us to do that? - Do anything you like but get on with it. 234 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:11,720 Now, listen, you men. Mr Mainwaring, he's the obstruction. 235 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:16,760 We're going to work him up and down until he becomes unblocked. 236 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:19,520 Mr Wilson, are you ready? 237 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,320 Yes, I'm ready. 238 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:27,400 - Right, forwards! Backwards! Forwards! Backwards! - Stop! 239 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:30,040 I must have a rest. 240 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:33,080 WILSON SNIGGERS 241 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:38,400 What are you laughing at, Wilson? 242 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:42,920 I just remembered, sir. Winnie The Pooh. 243 00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:47,440 - Winnie The Pooh? - Don't you remember, sir? 244 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:52,480 He had so much honey he got a bit fat and got stuck in a hole. 245 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:57,680 They had to wait a week for him to get thin enough to free himself. 246 00:22:57,680 --> 00:23:02,240 - Do you understand? - Very amusing, Wilson. 247 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,840 Now, get on with it. 248 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:09,880 - Permission to do something to you, sir? - Yes, what is it? - This. 249 00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:11,720 Argh! 250 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:16,760 Sorry, sir, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. 251 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:23,120 - There we are, sir. Are you all right now? - Take your hands off me, Walker. 252 00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:25,760 I'll deal with you later. 253 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:30,800 Just a minute. There's a car drawing up at the gates. 254 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:37,920 - Halt, who goes there? > - Captain Bailey from GHQ. - It's Captain Bailey. - Why's he here? 255 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:44,960 - Perhaps it's about that call you made on GHQ earlier. - I'd forgotten about that. 256 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:52,000 Get the prisoners out of the van, back through the tunnel and into the hut. 257 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:56,680 Frazer, Jones and Pike, you come with me. 258 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:05,040 - Open the gate. I want to speak to Captain Mainwaring. - Good evening, sir. 259 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:12,600 - What's this about Captain Shodski leaving no-one on guard? - A storm in a teacup, sir. I've sorted it out. 260 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:18,040 - Have you checked all the prisoners? - I counted them. There were 60. 261 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:25,560 - I counted 60, too. Well, not 62, 60 also. - I counted them as well, sir. 60. 262 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:32,960 - I wanted to count 'em. - Be quiet, Pike. - Right. Now I'm going to count them. Come on. 263 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:39,040 - I shouldn't go in that hut, sir. - Why not? 264 00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:46,080 It's not a very nice hut, sir. Go into one of these more pleasant huts, sir. 265 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:50,880 I don't want to go into one of them! Come on, Mainwaring. 266 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:56,040 - Where is everybody? - They're in other huts, sir. 267 00:24:56,040 --> 00:25:03,560 - They're in more pleasant huts, sir. This isn't a very nice hut, sir. - What's the matter with it? 268 00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:11,160 Well, you know, sir, the roof leaks. The snow comes through, sir. 269 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:16,360 - What, in July? - If it was December it would. 270 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:28,080 Oh, do forgive me sitting down in the presence of officers. I'm not as young as I was, sir. 271 00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:36,000 - I quite understand. - It's nice to have MR BAILEY HERE, isn't it, MR MAINWARING? 272 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:43,480 Very nice to have him HERE and MR BAILEY has TWO MILITARY POLICEMEN with him. 273 00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:49,960 - Why are you shouting? - It's habit. Keeps the men on their toes. 274 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:57,400 - Now, get all the POWs and send them through. I want to count them. - Yes, oh, right, sir. 275 00:25:57,400 --> 00:26:05,400 - Captain Mainwaring, you look tired. Why don't you sit down? - Oh, yes. Thank you very much. 276 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:12,600 Now, I'm going to bring the prisoners through, right? Right through here, sir. 277 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:18,600 And there's going to be exactly 60 of them, sir. 278 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:22,320 < Come with me, Pike, Frazer. 279 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:29,360 That was a daft thing to say. How can we send 60 prisoners through? 20 are missing. 280 00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:35,400 - Did you never go to the pantomime? - Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves! 281 00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:42,440 - What are you talking about? - They sent the prisoners round and round again and again. 282 00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:47,800 - It'll never work, I tell you. - Shut up and get them lined up. 283 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:53,840 It's no good, sergeant, I can't shift it. 284 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:58,040 Let's have a rest and try again later. 285 00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:03,400 I want to get this over with and get back to bed, Mainwaring. 286 00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:11,320 - You got us into this in the first place! - Don't worry, we'll try again later. Have a fag. 287 00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:18,360 - They won't be long now, sir. - Oh, NO SMOKING, if you don't mind, sir. 288 00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:25,400 - NO SMOKING, if you don't mind, sir. - I'm not smoking. - We'd sooner YOU DIDN'T. 289 00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:28,880 - Please don't shout, corporal. - Sorry, sir. 290 00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:32,720 Prisoners are ready for counting, sir. 291 00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:38,160 - Send them through. - Send the prisoners through, Pikey. 292 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:44,240 Here they come, sir. Two, four, six, eight, 10, 293 00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:54,000 - 12, 14, 16, 18, 20. 20 prisoners, sir. - Correct. Send the next lot through. 294 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:59,800 Pikey, send the next lot through, boy. Chop-chop. 295 00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:02,800 Chop-chop! 296 00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:08,400 26, 28, 30, 32, 34, 297 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:15,400 - 36, 38, 40. 40 through, sir. - 40. Only 20 more to come. 298 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:18,720 Right, only 20 more now, Pikey. 299 00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:27,280 Mainwaring, all these Italians seem to me to be alike. 300 00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:31,480 I know. It's the same with the Chinese. 301 00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:37,080 - 60 prisoners, sir. - Correct. They're all accounted for. 302 00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:39,120 Oh-h! 303 00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:45,320 61... 304 00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:47,440 62... 305 00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:49,920 63... 306 00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:51,960 64...