# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think we're on the run?
# We are the boys who will stop your little game,
# We are the boys who will make you think again.
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think old England's done?
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,
# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun,
# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think old England's done? #
Now, to wage war successfully, every commander in the field should put himself in the enemy's shoes
and see the situation from that point of view.
And so, I ask myself, if I were in Adolf's shoes, what would he be thinking?
- He'd wonder why you had his shoes on! - Very amusing (!)
He'd probably be thinking, "I wonder what they're up to!"
Quite right. The only way for Hitler to find out is to come and have a look.
That new Air Raid Warden in Gardenia Gardens looks like Herr Hitler!
No, no, Pike. I don't think that Hitler would come personally.
- Why not? Hess did. - He'd send a recce party in a submarine... Hess was entirely different!
- Or send a swift, silent surface craft. - Canoes! - I beg your pardon?
- Canoes! - These are Nazis, not Apache Indians!
I thought Apaches were those rough French dancers. I never liked them much.
They had a couple of them on the bill with Nellie Wallace!
And he treated her with disdain and threw her at the trombone player.
- She had very big thighs and long, black silk stockings... - Big thighs, you say? - Yes and...
- All right! We're wandering from the point. - Let's get back in Hitler's shoes!
The obvious place for a recce to land is in the estuary here.
- We are to set up an observation post in the lighthouse here. - Sir, it's not being used any more.
- Therefore, it is closed and not open. - They used it when yon convoy come through!
Quite right, Frazer. They're happy for us to set up a guard post from time to time.
Corporal Jones, your section will rendezvous at the Jolly Roger Ice Cream Parlour on the jetty.
When the tide is low, you will cross the causeway here.
- Once inside the lighthouse, open these sealed orders. - Thank you.
- Just one question, sir. After I open the orders, what shall I do? - Read them very carefully!
- That's all. Dismiss. - Come on, outside. Quick as you can.
I can't go tonight, sir. I'm delivering essential supplies.
- I've heard this before, Walker. - No, this is vital. For the nurses. - Not elastic again, is it?
- No, hairpins. - Oh, really, Walker! - Straight up. Their hair keeps falling into the operations.
- I'll report here when I've finished. - This really won't do, Walker. - I might have your whisky for you.
- Never mind that. Just get back here as soon as you can. - Right.
- Oh, and Bert's fixed the Lewis gun. 15 bob, no questions asked. I'll bring it later. - Right.
- And I'll bring that whisky! - Off you go!
Rough diamond, isn't he?
- Heart of gold, of course. - Yes.
# When the lights go on again, All over the world... #
Left, right. Left, right. Mark time!
Open door! Forward!
Left, right. Left, right. Left, right.
Left, right. Left, right. Mark time!
Squad...halt!
Right turn! Stand at...ease!
Right, I am now going to take out the sealed orders and, having taken them out, I'll unseal them.
Then I will read them to you and you are going to pay attention.
- Could I be excused? - No, you've got to wait. - It's a long way down.
Here we are. "Orders for section on watch from the lighthouse. Commence at 2,000 hours."
Twenty hundred hours.
Silence!
"Commence duty at twenty hundred hours.
"You will keep a strict look-out for any Fifth Columnists or spies infiltrating up the estuary."
- What'll we do if we see any? - You will tell me.
I will tell Mister Mainwaring and he will tell his commander, and he will tell...somebody else.
- Might I be excused now? - No. "Guards will not be relieved until 0800 hours."
- Right, we'll revise platoon advance to contact... - Ah, I'm glad I caught you. And you.
- We're very busy. - I've had serious reports from my warden.
You've flashed lights from here more than at 17 Pembroke Gardens - and they were enemy aliens!
- I can't accept that. - I'll have you up before the magistrate!
- You have no authority over the military. - Military (?) You can't strut like Lord Muck!
- I'm in charge of this sector and I am warning you...! - Put that finger down and get out of my headquarters.
I'm going, but you've had your last warning. One more flash and a policeman will feel your collar!
- Corporal Jones? - What? - Do you think Mr Godfrey's all right? He's been gone a long time.
- Of course. There's a lot of steps in a lighthouse. - He's been gone nearly 15 minutes already!
- When he's halfway up, he'll have to go down again! - Why don't you see how he's getting on?
Hold on. Did you lock and bar the door to the rock when you came up?
- No. I think I left it open. - Oh, then wild horses wouldn't drag me down there before dawn.
Why not, Mr Frazer?
Sit down, son. I'll tell you.
It's something that happened to my old school friend, Willy Reagan.
He was keeper of the light on the Fairloch Rock.
A wild, lonely, storm-racked cliff it is, I tell ye.
And many a tall ship has gone to its cold, watery grave, pounding on those granite boulders.
One night, just like this, when the wind was wailing mournfully in the rigging...
- Mr Frazer, lighthouses don't have rigging. - This one did.
Willy started down the stairs to get a new wick for the lamp.
Near the bottom, something made him stop.
Below, in the gloom, he could hear a low, painful moan...
And a slithering. Something was moving in the dark.
Willy started back upstairs.
Twenty steps up, he stopped and turned.
He could see nothing, but the dark was darker, and the moan was louder
and the slithering was coming nearer and nearer!
Willy scrambled up the stairs, up and up he went,
higher and higher, until his lungs were gasping and his heart was thumping!
He daren't stop, because he knew the thing was behind him!
At last he reached the top and flung himself into the lamphouse!
He threw himself against the door!
Holding his breath, he listened...
AAAAAAGGHHH !
There it was...unmistakeable!
The thing was on the other side!
Trying to get in! Trying to get in!
KNOCKING
- Aaaaah! - Aaaaah! - Aaaaah!
- It can't get in! It can't get in! - Wheesht! Quiet! And listen...
- Would somebody open the door? > - It's Godfrey!
- Hello. I was going to leave you a note. - Anything important?
There's been a blitz on blackouts. Area HQ have sent a note down to me.
- We don't have much bother here. 'Ere, fancy a cup? - Yes. Watch the blackouts, won't you? - Yeah.
Two lumps, please.
- Mr Jones? - Yeah?
If we do go downstairs, we won't see Willy's slithery thing, will we?
No, of course we won't.
- I'm going to stay up here. Aren't you? - Yeah, as long as possible.
- If we go, we go together. - That'll be nice. - Yeah.
We can take a rifle, and if we see the slithery thing we can shoot it.
- We'll fix bayonets. - Yeah. Slithery things won't like it up 'em any more than fuzzy-wuzzies.
No, you can't beat the old steel.
- I wish Uncle Arthur was with us. Don't you? - No.
I wish we was with him.
< I say...
AAAAAAAAH ! Oh, sorry, Mr Godfrey.
I just wondered, if we saw spies, how could we tell Captain Mainwaring?
- We'll have to use our initiative. - Failing that, there's a telephone on the wall.
Yes, we'll use our initiative... and that telephone on the wall.
- Is it working? - I don't know. We'll have to try it. That's our best thing. We'll try it. Yes.
We'll try it.
Hello? Jones the butcher here.
- Hello? ..It's dead. - Dead? - Then we're cut off!
- Keep calm! We're cut off! Keep calm! - It's the slithery thing!
- Of course it isnae! - Perhaps they haven't paid the bill. - Lighthouses don't get bills!
We forgot to pay the bill and were cut off once, but so few people ring us, we didn't know for two weeks...
- There's a light switch... - Don't touch that!
- We're not blacked-out. - We can do it just long enough for a quick peek. - Yeah, all right, then. Here we go.
The electricity's cut off!
- It's the slithery thing! - Shut up!
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'll do the mains switch.
POWER SURGES
THAT'S the slithery thing!
I feel a little frightened.
- Hey, look! - It was nae slithery thing!
It was the generator!
It's all right, men. It's only the generator.
Only the...
- OH! Blimey! - Anyway, you can read the instructions all right now.
- What about the blackout? - Turn it off quick! - Yeah, I better turn it off.
Right, I'm now going to turn it off.
- They'd a time switch in "The Phantom Light" with Gordon Harker. - It's lighting up the whole coast!
You've got to act, man!
That's right. A bit of action, yes.
Pikey, you look for switches and Frazer and I will do... something else.
- I know - we'll fix bayonets! - Fix bayonets. You're not going to charge the damn thing, are you?
Look, Frazer. I'm in command. You fix bayonets.
My sister broke a 40-Watt bulb once and it made an awful bang. That could blow us all into the sea!
Godfrey, you give me your blanket, come on.
We'll fix one corner to my bayonet and fix the other corner to Frazer's bayonet. Right?
- Put it on the top there. - Right.
Ready? Lift it up and follow me.
Wait for the light... Here we go!
Left, right. Left, right...
- Well, that's cleared up the bumph for the time being. - Ah, good.
- These brass hats from the War Office certainly like their red tape. - They certainly do, sir. Yes.
- Makes it hard for the front-line troops. - Yes. I'll have an early night, sir.
- Yes, why not? - All right.
What are you doing, Wilson?
- Good heavens. That's funny. - Well, I don't find it very funny. Switch the light on!
Come out here a minute, sir. Come on. Look. What do you make of that?
- Over there. - It's only the lighthouse. There's probably a special convoy going through.
Good heavens! Jones's section!
Could someone be meddling with something that doesn't concern them?
- Let's get to the harbour at once, Wilson! - All right, sir.
- That was a good cup of tea. - That fella Walker got us it.
Walker? I wouldn't have touched it if I'd known!
- Well, since the Luftwaffe haven't come, I'm off home. - 'Night.
Mr Alberts... Mr Alberts?
- I wasn't notified of this. - I saw the Home Guard going out.
- Not Mainwaring's mob? - That old Lance Corporal. - Ruddy hooligans! Put that ruddy light out!
- They can't hear you. - I'll make 'em hear me. PUT THAT LIGHT OUT!
- I'll get 'em! I'll get 'em on the phone... - Don't worry.
PUT THAT LIGHT OUT!!!
I don't think I can keep this up much longer!
- Righto, Frazer, stand by next time round. - Right!
- It's like the bloody Olympics! - Come on! Come on!
Left, right! Left, right! Pick 'em up! Pick 'em up!
Hold back! Hold back!
What's your game, Frazer? When I say, "Left, right, pick 'em up," I mean...
Well, it's stuck now, look at this.
- You've clogged the cogs. - Anyway, we don't have to go on running round like squirrels in a cage.
Doesn't Walmington look pretty all lit up?
Blimey! It's stuck right across the town!
It's a good job the siren hasn't gone, isn't it?
SIREN STARTS
I don't think Mr Mainwaring is going to be very pleased with us.
SIREN CONTINUES
Well, seems to have stopped going round and round, sir.
- This is damn serious, Wilson. - Yes. - We're a sitting target for every Jerry plane within 50 miles!
That fool Mainwaring isn't even in his headquarters! Look!
Your lot have done that, the whole town lit up and now Jerry's arrived!
- I'm well aware of the situation. - What are you going to do?
- We must get out there at once. - But the tide's in. - Get a boat.
You'll be dashed to pieces on the rocks!
- Come on, Wilson. - All right, sir. - Get a lifebelt.
Let them do it! It serves them right!
- There's no such word as "can't." If the spirit is willing, nothing can stop us! - There isn't a boat. - Ah(!)
That is rather an obstacle. Well, we must find some other way.
A pound to a penny he'll try and walk on the water!
'Ere, this is a bit of a lark! Old Jones is up the creek without a paddle and no mistake.
We've got to put that light out somehow.
- Shoot it out! - What? - With the Lewis gun. - We can't. - You mean you couldn't hit it!
I mean one of our men might get hit.
Your men? What about the town, what about the women and children, all the bombs raining down?
- The bombs aren't raining down. - No, but they will in a minute!
- Give us that gun! - Take your hands off it!
Oh, I'm having one of my turns!
Come on, sit down, for heaven's sake, behave yourself and keep quiet.
- I know a bloke at the power station who could black out the whole county. - Don't be ridiculous, Walker.
- 'Ere, what about the transformer? - Walker, be sensible or keep quiet.
I think that's very sensible. Lead on, Walker, and take this gun.
Right, you lift that up nice and high and that will stop the light going over the town, won't it?
- There. - That's quite good.
It's a much softer light. The other was terribly hard.
Mr Jones, there's steam coming out of the blanket.
Well, It's probably a bit damp, you see.
Yeah, but the steam should be white and that steam is black.
The blanket's on fire! Don't panic! Don't panic!
UPROAR
Unfortunately, it seems to be locked. That's easy. Got a hairpin?
- Am I likely to have a hairpin? - Don't you sell them? I'd have to open a new packet!
- Here, use this paper-clip. - Would you turn the other way? Professional etiquette. Oh, heavens!
Get on with it. Right. That's it.
- All we need is the right switch. - There aren't many. Plenty of wires.
Lend me your tin hat.
- Please, please, sir. Don't overdo it. - Stand clear.
Stand well clear.
BANG!
Now walk away slowly as though nothing had happened.
- 'Ere, the lights have fused. - Pity that one hasn't. Get the hurricane lamps out.
- Mr Jones, I think I've found another switch. - Well, switch it, Pikey boy, switch it!
FOGHORN SOUNDS
Blimey, if they can't see us, they'll hear us! I need a pill!
Oh, cor blimey! It's Hutch!
- Damn it! That light's still on. - Not in there, though!
- Who flashed without my authority? - Who are you? - I'm the keeper.
- They can't flash without my authority. - Can that be thing be turned off from here? - Of course not!
- Why don't we use the telephone. - It's cut off.
- Perhaps the exchange could reconnect it. - That's good thinking.
- Hello? Hello? - I used to live there once, but the salt got into my lungs.
I used to cough something awful. Terrible...it...wa...
HE COUGHS
Hello? Hello? Put me through to the supervisor, will you?
I can't do that. She goes off at six. There's only me here.
- Well then you'll have to deal with it. Listen very carefully. - Yes.
- This is Captain Mainwaring of the Home Guard. - Yes. Who?
Captain Mainwaring. M-A-I-N-W-A-R-I-N-G.
- Do you want me to write that down? - No, no, no, just listen. - Yes, sir. I'm listening.
- I'm speaking to you from the Jolly Roger Ice Cream Parlour. - That's been shut since the war.
- I know it has! It's an ARP post. - Are you an Air Raid Warden as well?
- Never mind that. Will you connect me to the lighthouse? - It's cut off.
- I know. Can you reconnect me? - I can't do that! You'll have to talk to the supervisor!
That's who I asked for in the first place.
Oh, just a minute, there's an address here that takes messages for the lighthouse.
- Ah, good, that's the ticket. Give it to me, will you? Wilson, get a pencil and put this down. - Right.
It's the Jolly Roger Ice Cream Kiosk...
- The Jolly Roger... - Yes, all right. - I'm speaking from there!
Can't you give them the message, then?
Hang on, sir. Give it to me, will you? ..Hello, Freda?
- Who's that? - It's Joe. Joe Walker. - Oh! Hello, Joe!
'Ere, listen, love, stick 73 into 21, will you?
Oh, Joe, what are you up to now?
All right, then, I'll do it for you. Hang on.
- There you are, sir. - You seem very well-informed. - We ran brandy from France before the war in motor-boats.
- I knew a bent coast guard who'd give us a tip-off when they were coming round the bay. - Really(?)
- PHONE RINGS - Ah! - Telephone!
- Jack Jones the butcher. - Corporal Jones? - Sir. - This is Captain Mainwaring. Listen very carefully.
- This is how to turn off the light. - 'Right.' - You're to go down to the generator room.
- Right. Go down to the generator room? Right, sir. - Corporal Jones?
Just a minute. It's locked.
- Do you know where the key is? - Yes.
- Jones, I'm going to tell you where the key is. - It's here. - It's here...
You'll have to break the door down and get into the generator room.
Break the door down. Right, sir. I'll do that directly, sir.
Now listen, men, we've to find the generator room and then find the door of it.
We'll break that down, go into the generator room and stop it!
- What about the slithery thing? - We'll stop that and all! Come on! You stay here, Mr Godfrey.
PLANES OVERHEAD Listen! I can hear 'em! There's hundreds of them.
- They're on their way somewhere else. - But when they see this, they'll change their minds, won't they?
They won't have another chance like this in the whole war!
- All right. Jones will put it out in a minute. - You'd better shoot it out now! They'll all be below.
I'll hold off until the last possible minute. Give me the gun.
Look, Mr Jones, I'm making a rabbit.
It's the biggest one you ever saw. It's all over Walmington.
They're practically overhead! For God's sake, shoot it out!
Now I'm making a bird. It's going right up and down the High Street.
Oh dear, what a pity no-one can see it.
There's one caught in the searchlight! Shoot, you bloody fool, or it'll be murder!
- Go on, sir! - All right. Here goes.
Oh, dear. What a pity, I was enjoying that.
Blimey! That was a near thing.
You haven't heard the last of this!
Sir, I can't understand why we just don't concentrate on guarding things, instead of these absurd operations.
Oh, nonsense. By doing this, we've encountered difficulties and triumphed over them.
And we're better soldiers for it, enriched by the experience.
I have a feeling when the electric bill comes in, we'll all be a lot poorer!
- Oh, no. No, there's not a shred of evidence to connect us with it. - Mmm?
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