1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,320 # Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 2 00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:11,080 # If you think we're on the run? 3 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:16,080 # We are the boys who will stop your little game 4 00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:20,720 # We are the boys who will make you think again 5 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:25,680 # 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 6 00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:29,560 # If you think old England's done? 7 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:35,400 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21 8 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:37,920 # But he comes home each evening 9 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:40,120 # And he's ready with his gun 10 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:43,080 # So who do you think 11 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,280 # You are kidding, Mr Hitler 12 00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:48,760 # If you think old England's done? # 13 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:57,640 In modern warfare, communications are vital. 14 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:03,600 So I've sent a strong letter to the War Office demanding wireless sets. 15 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:10,560 - What happened to that very strong letter demanding Bren guns? - We're not discussing guns. 16 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:15,480 Now, in the event of the wirelesses not arriving before Adolf kicks off, 17 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:18,680 we'll capture some from his first wave. 18 00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:26,400 - Sir! I'd like to be in charge of the Nazi wireless capturing party. - We can come to that much later on. 19 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:28,640 I suggest we use bayonets, 20 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:34,560 - so we do not destroy the wirelesses with bullets. - Good suggestion. 21 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:40,240 Now, having obtained a set, how do we send a message? 22 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:44,920 They usually say, "Calling all cars! Stick-up at the Nag's Head!" 23 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:52,160 - I don't think that would help us. - It'll be a stick-up when Jonesy gets let loose with his bayonet! 24 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:54,680 I've studied the correct procedure, 25 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:57,520 so if you pick up your wirelesses, 26 00:01:57,520 --> 00:01:59,600 I'll show you. 27 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,680 Incidentally, 28 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:10,200 I'm grateful to those who supplied the cocoa tins. I believe some had Old English Humbugs in! 29 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:14,480 - I lost a filling eating a humbug. - Toffees are worse. 30 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:18,720 - I broke my upper set on one! - I choked on a gobstopper! 31 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:21,080 That's right, Frank. I'd forgotten. 32 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:29,000 - Uncle banged me on the back! Mum hit him for banging too hard. - Don't let's go into this! 33 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:35,000 - Marshmallows. - I beg your pardon? - Marshmallows kinder on the teeth. 34 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:39,120 Good. Now, as you will remember from your childhood, 35 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,640 if you speak in the tin at one end, 36 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:44,600 you hear the voice in the other tin, 37 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:49,800 provided you keep the string absolutely tight. 38 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,640 Turkish Delight was nice and soft! 39 00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:55,840 Frazer! What have I just said? 40 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:59,360 - It must be absolutely tight. - I asked Frazer! 41 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,280 Er...sorry, my mind was wandering. 42 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:07,120 Now, with a wireless set, you cannot speak and hear at the same time, 43 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:12,400 so the correct procedure must be adopted. So if you just hang on... 44 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,360 Right, sir. 45 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:31,600 Thank you, Jones. 46 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:39,720 Now, when we first switch the set on, 47 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,760 we're in the listening position. 48 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:46,720 I think I can hear the sea. 49 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:50,880 Sorry, sir. My communication cord's a bit short. 50 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:53,280 Everybody in listening position! 51 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,720 I can hear the sea! 52 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:59,680 - He must have a pilchard tin! - Wilson! 53 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:06,280 - Sorry. There's a humbug stuck to the bottom. I'd like to have it. - Poke it out. 54 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:11,240 - Leave it where it is for the time being! - All right. Sorry, sir. 55 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:15,800 I put the microphone to my mouth and speak into it. Thus. 56 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:19,360 MUFFLED VOICE 57 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,400 Is that clear? 58 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,880 I never heard a single word. 59 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:29,320 I heard your voice through the tin. It was terribly good! 60 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:32,800 I said, "Hello, all stations, Charlie One. 61 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:37,160 "Report my signals, all stations, Charlie One. Over." 62 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:42,720 - What's Charlie One? - Charlie One is Sergeant Wilson's call sign. 63 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:49,120 - How do we know who's who? - Simple. Wilson's Charlie One, Frazer's Charlie Two, 64 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,560 you're Charlie Three, and so on. 65 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:55,800 If you speak to me, why don't you say Charlie Two? 66 00:04:55,800 --> 00:05:00,360 - YOU'D say that if you spoke to me. - So I'd say hello to me? 67 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:07,280 - No, to ME. - Why don't I say, "Hello, Charlie One"? - Because that's not how it's done! 68 00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:11,040 Excuse me. Are we all Charlie Ones, too? 69 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:18,840 For the time being, all this side is headquarters and we're all saying, "Hello, Charlie One". 70 00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:21,480 Sir, my name really IS Charlie. 71 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:24,040 Does that make any difference? 72 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,920 No. Now, come along. All together. 73 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:32,720 CHORUS OF MUFFLED VOICES 74 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:38,520 Yes, that wasn't really very good, was it? 75 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,040 Why can't we use boy scouts, sir? 76 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:47,000 They run fast and nip through holes in hedges. They're good at that. 77 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,000 Shall we have another go? 78 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,560 - Hello, Mr Yateman. - Hello, Mr Hodges. 79 00:05:56,560 --> 00:06:00,080 - Sorry to hear about your HQ. - Blown to bits! 80 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:04,120 - Did you suffer any loss? - Only my spare trousers. 81 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:07,920 - Lucky you wasn't in them! - You're telling me! 82 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:12,160 - The Lord watches over you! - Yes, I was in the boozer! 83 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,560 He moves in a mysterious way. 84 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:19,080 - Yes. Is Napoleon in? - Yes, but don't let him worry you, 85 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:22,600 because the vicar says you can use his office. 86 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:25,120 I shouldn't have any trouble. 87 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:30,160 You must have somewhere to do your air raid precautions, mustn't you? 88 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:33,880 - Thank you. - I'm very glad your lot are here. 89 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:37,400 It's been all tribulation with Mainwaring. 90 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,520 - What's tribulation? - Well, it's... Get off! 91 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:43,040 We'll follow with you, Wilson. 92 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:47,800 Did you know that if you pull these through in a certain way, 93 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:52,400 they make a noise like a chicken about to pass an egg? 94 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:56,720 RATTLING 95 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:59,960 SQUAWKING 96 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,800 Heavens above! 97 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:04,520 All right! 98 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:07,040 LOUD SQUAWKING 99 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:12,600 Cor blimey! What are you teaching them? Cat's cradle? 100 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,600 Come on. 101 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,560 Just a minute! > 102 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:19,080 What do you think you're doing? 103 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:21,600 I think you and I should have a talk. 104 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:25,720 - I don't wish to speak to you. - Well, you have to. 105 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:28,320 Take over, Wilson. Hold that, Jones. 106 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,040 - Now, look here! - No, you look here! 107 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:42,560 - My HQ are out of action. I have official permission to use these premises. - On whose authority? 108 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,440 I'm a reasonable sort of man. 109 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:50,800 We've had our differences, but we ARE on the same side. 110 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:57,240 I want to be generous. I don't want to be stand-offish. I'll go shares with you. 111 00:07:57,240 --> 00:08:01,480 Look. This half here, with your chair, you can have. 112 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:03,920 This half here is me. Right? 113 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:07,280 Draw a line like this... down the wall. 114 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:09,800 Just a moment. What are you doing?! 115 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:14,840 When it comes to the desk, you keep your stuff there, I keep mine here. 116 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:17,360 How DARE you mark my desk?! 117 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,920 I'm only trying to be fair and reasonable. 118 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,560 I can chalk quicker than you can rub! 119 00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:28,200 That'll be enough of that! 120 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:33,440 You probably noticed both the doors are in my half. I want to be fair, 121 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,600 so I'll chalk a line on the floor. 122 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:41,840 - That's Tom Tiddler's ground. - I've had enough! 123 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:44,200 You're on my bit. Get off! 124 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:45,760 I have to insist that 125 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,560 the phone is on my side. 126 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,040 That's my communication artery. 127 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:51,280 If Hitler comes, 128 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,920 that's how I'll know. 129 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:55,320 It's MY artery when a siren sounds. 130 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,960 If Hitler comes, I'll take a message. 131 00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:02,960 That stays there! I'll give you five seconds to get out of my office. 132 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:06,520 - One, two, three, four, five. - Oh! 133 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,120 Right! 134 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,160 Wilson! Jones! 135 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,680 Escort this person from my HQ. 136 00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:15,200 I'm staying. This is MY HQ. 137 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:19,160 - Carry my orders out! - Would you mind leaving? 138 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:23,520 I've got official permission in black and white. 139 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:29,840 If you don't get out, you'll get this right up you and you will not like it! 140 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:32,360 - Now, look here, Gandhi! - What?! 141 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:37,600 Look! You haven't heard the last of this! 142 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:38,960 Well done. 143 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:46,240 - They don't like cold steel, sir. Most of them cannot countenance it! - Let's resume our lecture. 144 00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:48,760 He's done it this time! > 145 00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:52,520 What is it? You look like a soul in torment! 146 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:57,280 Fetch the vicar! It's Mainwaring! I'm having a funny turn! 147 00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:59,880 - I'll get the vicar. - He threatened me! 148 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:02,320 - Never! - With a bayonet! 149 00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:08,560 He who liveth by the sword shall die by the sword. That goes for bayonets, an' all! 150 00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:12,600 Now, you're not going "over" when I say "over". 151 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:17,400 Let's do it in turns. My file first, then Wilson's file afterwards. 152 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,680 - One, two, three... - TOGETHER: Over. 153 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,720 TOGETHER: Over. 154 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:24,200 Over. 155 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:25,680 Over. 156 00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:27,280 Much better. 157 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:33,840 - I've got it! Can I do it on my own? - We're not ready yet. - Let me go solo! - Oh, very well. 158 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:35,480 Should be good! 159 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:40,400 Hello, all stations, Charlie One... 160 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:43,560 Report my signals, all stations, Charlie One. Over. 161 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,400 Blimey! > 162 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,920 - Very good, Jones. - Thank you, sir. 163 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:50,440 - You got it quite correct. - Thank you. 164 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:57,600 - I bet they thought I couldn't do it! - You did it beautiful. - I'm not such a fool as I may think I am! 165 00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:00,600 Let's try again. Tighten your strings. 166 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:02,640 Now, keep... 167 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:08,120 I gave Mr Hodges permission to use my office. I hear he's been molested! 168 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:12,040 I'm busy. I'll see you in my office later. 169 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:16,360 It's not YOUR office. It's MINE, and I have lent it to Mr Hodges. 170 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:19,160 I told him! 171 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:23,680 You are interrupting vital training. Kindly go away! 172 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:29,240 - I will not. Kindly get your bits of string out of my way! - I will not. 173 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:33,400 - I'll tell the Bishop! - Don't be so damned childish! 174 00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:37,640 - Don't profane His Reverence! - Don't be impertinent! 175 00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:41,920 So that's the way it is, is it? Follow me, Vicar. 176 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:56,880 I think it's a cheek, Hodges using this as his HQ. 177 00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:03,480 Mainwaring's tried to co-operate, but what can you do with a common bloke like Hodges? 178 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:07,720 - Yes, he is common. - I can't stand common people. 179 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:14,160 You're not being quite fair. Mr Hodges does a good job. And it's dangerous, too. 180 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:17,600 He might do it well, but he does it uncouth! 181 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:21,520 If only Mr Mainwaring would put a curse on him. 182 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:24,080 How can he put a curse on anybody? 183 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,680 - I've seen it done. - When? 184 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:34,360 Nigh on 50 years ago, when I was trading coral in the South Seas with a friend of mine. 185 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:37,720 Is that the one that got eaten by a squid? 186 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:40,680 No, son. It was a different friend. 187 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:43,280 Jethro, his name was. 188 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:47,080 One day, we were anchored off a wee island, 189 00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:50,120 about 20 miles west of Samoa. 190 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:56,600 Jethro told me he'd heard there was a ruined temple in the centre of the island, 191 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:59,000 with a huge idol 192 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:03,840 that had a ruby the size of a duck's egg set in its forehead. 193 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:06,360 So he was determined to get it. 194 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:11,040 As soon as it was dark, we rowed ashore, armed to the teeth. 195 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:15,160 We set off through the jungle to find the temple. 196 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:19,800 After about two hours hacking our way through the undergrowth, 197 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:22,240 we came to a clearing. 198 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,720 There was a temple a ruined temple, 199 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,760 covered with jungle creepers. 200 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:30,800 The place was deserted. 201 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,320 We crept inside... 202 00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:35,800 and there it was, 203 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,520 a huge idol 204 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:40,920 with a great ruby 205 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:44,120 in its forehead. 206 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:47,040 As the shafts of moonlight 207 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:50,800 struck down through the holes in the roof, 208 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:53,840 it BURNED like fire! 209 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:55,880 Jethro... 210 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:58,120 gave a cry of triumph, 211 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:04,640 jumped up on the idol and hacked the ruby out of its forehead with his knife. 212 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:08,160 All this time, I could feel eyes - 213 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,840 horrible, unseen eyes 214 00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:13,120 staring at us. 215 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,600 I could stand it no longer. 216 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:19,840 I shouted, "Let's get out!" and we turned to go. 217 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,200 Then...we saw it. 218 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:25,040 Barring our way in the doorway... 219 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:28,560 ..was the witch-doctor. 220 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:32,160 He gave a scream that turned my blood to ice! 221 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:34,520 He shook a bunch of bones 222 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,720 in Jethro's face. And he cursed him! 223 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:42,040 After all these years, I can... 224 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:45,840 I can still hear that terrible curse. 225 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:48,280 "Death!" he screamed. 226 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,320 "Death! 227 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,960 "The ruby will bring ye death! 228 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,440 "DEATH!" 229 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:02,120 Did the curse come true, Mr Frazer? 230 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,640 Aye, son. It did. 231 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,200 He died 232 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:09,240 last year. He was 86. 233 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:14,000 Right, men. Fall in. 234 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:18,400 Do as the officer says. Fall in in three lines. 235 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,680 Take the mark from me. 236 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,760 Thank you, Corporal. 237 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:32,400 Now, I've had a word with Area HQ, the civil defence people, 238 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:37,440 and the Secretary of the Council, who happens to be a fellow Rotarian. 239 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:44,720 I've given them a piece of my mind, and these ARP people will soon be cleared out of here. 240 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:48,760 - But not this week. - All right! I'll tell them. 241 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:54,360 In the meantime, you must behave in a true Christian manner 242 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:58,360 and, as far as possible, ignore them. 243 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:02,560 HODGES: Left, right, left, right, right wheel... 244 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:06,080 HE MIMICS PARADE GROUND ORDERS 245 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,960 Mark time! 246 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,480 Halt! 247 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:13,520 Left turn! 248 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:17,960 Mark right dress! 249 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,960 Home Guard, left dress! 250 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:27,920 - Enough of that! - You started it. 251 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,920 - You're on my half. - I have more troops. 252 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:34,680 Troops?! Cor blimey the Bath Chair Fusiliers! 253 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:39,120 Would you like a bunch of fives up the 'ooter? 254 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:41,560 I think he's already had one. 255 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:44,120 That's brave(!) Ten to one! 256 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,160 This town's not big enough for both of us. 257 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,440 Don't start anything! 258 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:53,960 How dare you push me?! 259 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,360 AIR RAID SIREN 260 00:16:56,360 --> 00:17:03,880 - Saved by the bell! - I'll sort you out later! Mrs Cole on the telephone, Mrs Robinson, the incident map. 261 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:06,320 Make up your defence points. 262 00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:09,320 Medical team on patrol. 263 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:15,240 - Light the fire. It gets parky later. - Jones, keep your sector in reserve. 264 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:20,280 And keep that over your side! 265 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:24,760 Look, Hodges, 266 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:29,680 I'm doing my best to tolerate your presence, but you're insufferable! 267 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:34,360 The wood's damp and the chimney's cold. You want a firelighter. 268 00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:36,640 I haven't got any. 269 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:41,560 That'll start it before you can say "gunpowder". That'll be ninepence. 270 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,960 Joe! That's trading with the enemy! 271 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:49,080 Yes... Yes... Let me have a report in the morning. 272 00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:50,520 Right. 273 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:53,120 Oi! Cut it out! Not during an alert. 274 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:59,640 - I'll be receiving a constant stream of reports. - And I'll be receiving my orders. 275 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:01,520 PHONE RINGS 276 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:06,920 IN A REFINED VOICE: Walmington ARP. 277 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:10,640 Number One Platoon HQ, Walmington Home Guard! 278 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:14,320 - Yes... It is for you, Captain. - Of course! 279 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:18,120 Good evening, sir. Mainwaring here. 280 00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:19,640 Oh... 281 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,120 Hello, Elizabeth. 282 00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:26,840 You can pack that in, carrying on chats with your bits of stuff! 283 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:30,360 - It is my good lady! - Well, cut it short. 284 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,000 No, no... What? 285 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,640 I can't come home! 286 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:40,320 Why don't you sit in the cupboard under the stairs, as usual? 287 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:44,600 I'm sure a bomb is far more dangerous than a mouse. 288 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:47,560 Look, careless talk costs lives! 289 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,240 Try again. 290 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:55,720 I expect some sparrow has laid a nest up there. They do a lot of that 291 00:18:55,720 --> 00:19:00,360 - up the chimney. - Good. We can have roast sparrow. Very tasty. 292 00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:02,360 That's better! 293 00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:08,240 - What are those made of? - Incendiary bombs that were damaged by fire. 294 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:13,240 What's this?! That stove is not be ignited without the vicar's consent. 295 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:16,880 - It's only a fire. - There will be a rumpus. 296 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,320 - Who lit it? - The wardens. 297 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,840 The wardens? Did they? 298 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:24,320 Cheers the fireplace up, doesn't it? 299 00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:30,920 Well, perhaps if you made a noise, the mouse would jump down the hole. 300 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:35,720 Leave the mouse where it is and you jump down the hole, missus! 301 00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:38,880 - How dare you?! - That wasn't very kind. 302 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,880 Keep out of this. The raid's been on ten minutes 303 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,480 and I haven't received a report yet! 304 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:45,080 PHONE RINGS Hello... Yes. 305 00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:46,880 Righto. Thank you. 306 00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:49,280 Mr Yeldon is standing by. 307 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,320 PHONE RINGS 308 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:54,200 Hello. Chimney on fire? 309 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:56,680 Give me the details. 310 00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:58,400 Yes, fine. 311 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,760 Get this down, Mrs Cole. 312 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,040 That's the end, dear. 313 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:08,040 We can't have a vital communication channel blocked by domestic trivia! 314 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:12,760 It's not trivia. An enemy bomber could see it miles away. 315 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:17,360 Where? A large building next to the church in Mortimer Road. 316 00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:19,520 Ready. 317 00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:21,120 A large building next to... 318 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,880 A large... 319 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,400 A large building... 320 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:25,960 A large building... 321 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:31,120 Worse than your lot, she is! Mortimer Road. 322 00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:32,600 Road... 323 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,040 Road! 324 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,160 Get onto the fire brigade! 325 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:40,200 - What do you think you're up to? - We're busy, Vicar. 326 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:43,960 Do you realise you've set the chimney on fire? 327 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,640 The stove is a raging fiery furnace! 328 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:49,160 Fiery furnace? Just a minute! 329 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:52,600 THIS is a large building next to the church! 330 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:55,080 Cor blimey! Get out the way! 331 00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:59,440 - He lit it! - It was his firelighters. 332 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,800 Normally, they don't burn! 333 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:05,520 - Do something! - Nanny used to put salt on fires! 334 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:08,160 It's a fire, not a pigeon! 335 00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:11,760 Shall I ask the firemen to pop round? 336 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:16,120 And make us a laughing stock? Say it's a false alarm. 337 00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:19,800 - Up the tower! - With the pumps? - Yes. - Come on, men! 338 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:24,800 Mr Mainwaring! If you have the key to the cupboard, I'll bring bandages. 339 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:27,200 Bog peat, Mr Mainwaring! 340 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:32,680 - A barrow of bog peat would put that fire out. - Do be sensible! 341 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:34,760 Mr Mainwaring! 342 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,160 Captain! 343 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:39,640 - Captain Mainwaring! - What is it, Jones? 344 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:42,880 - The chimney's on fire, sir. - I know that! 345 00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:47,800 Lean out and you'll see it's like a roman candle all the sparks. 346 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:51,920 But be careful. There's a 40-foot drop. 347 00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:53,520 Aargh! 348 00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:59,080 Thank you, Mr Mainwaring. 349 00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:02,560 You saved my life. I won't forget that. 350 00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:06,120 Get out of the way. Pike, give me a lift up. 351 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:08,640 - Get inside, Jones. - I can't, sir. 352 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:13,360 I'm sitting on the window catch and it's made of cold steel. 353 00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:18,360 Each time I move, it goes in a funny position. I don't like it, sir. 354 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:22,560 Now, look! There's a ledge out here. 355 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:27,000 I'm going to inch along and see if I can get to the roof. 356 00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:31,400 What's going on? Out the way! This is an ARP matter. 357 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,880 - I'm in an embarrassing position. - What? 358 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:38,560 - His trousers are hooked. - Then get them off! 359 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:42,920 - Not in front of His Reverence! - Get them off! 360 00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:45,880 - Stop it! Stop it! - Get your trousers off! 361 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:48,400 What's going on? Leave him alone! 362 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,880 They want to take my trousers off. 363 00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:53,400 Don't be neurotic, Jones. 364 00:22:53,400 --> 00:23:00,160 Wilson! There's a gap between the tower and roof. Hand me a plank and I'll put it across. 365 00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:02,440 Why should I have a plank? 366 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:07,280 - Here's a ladder. What about that? - Well done. Shove it out. 367 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,280 Ooh! Aah! 368 00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:14,320 - I've released myself. It's quite all right, sir. - Get out of the way. 369 00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:17,200 He's not very nice, is he? 370 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,720 WALKER: I can't do it that way. 371 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:23,200 THEY ALL GIVE EACH OTHER ORDERS 372 00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:25,400 Aargh! 373 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,040 Get it back inside. 374 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:37,360 - Thank you, Mr Mainwaring. You saved my life. I won't forget that! - Grab the ladder. 375 00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:43,720 HODGES: Hurry up! A German bomber will see that fire for miles. 376 00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:46,240 All right. Careful. Careful. 377 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:47,840 Aargh! 378 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:50,200 Jones, get up! 379 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:54,120 Thank you, sir. You saved my life again. 380 00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:55,760 Come on! 381 00:23:55,760 --> 00:24:00,320 - Right, sir. - Mind that crumbling bit on the corner. 382 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:03,880 Blimey! I don't like this! 383 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:05,600 I get verdigris terrible! 384 00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:11,880 Where are you going with that sand? 385 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:15,080 I've polished that hall for 30 years. 386 00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:17,600 I can't see it go up in flames. 387 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,280 Right. I think it's firm enough now. 388 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:24,320 Right, sir. I'll test it. I'll test the ladder. 389 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:28,040 Hurry up, you old fool. And don't talk so much. 390 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:30,440 When you get on the other side, 391 00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:33,120 edge your way along the roof 392 00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:36,920 and see if you can reach the chimney. 393 00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:39,600 - Right, sir. - Pike. Walker. 394 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:44,720 Get down on the catwalk and see if you can work your pump from there. 395 00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:47,080 They need water. 396 00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,600 There are buckets in the hall. 397 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:54,280 - Aren't you coming, sir? - No, I'm going to pass it through. 398 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:57,920 Come on, Grandad. Hurry up! 399 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,760 Mr Mainwaring! 400 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:03,600 Mr Mainwaring! 401 00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:05,720 If I had a... 402 00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:08,200 If I had a bucket of water, 403 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:10,720 I could go down the chimney. 404 00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:13,680 Pass the word back for water. 405 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:16,040 Hurry up! Hurry up! 406 00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:17,800 More! 407 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:19,120 Oh, Lord! 408 00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:20,760 Water coming. > 409 00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:23,240 - Water coming. - Right, sir. 410 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:26,280 Water coming! 411 00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:28,640 Water coming! 412 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,680 Water coming! 413 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:38,520 More water! 414 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,960 VERGER: I've got a bucket of sand. 415 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,680 Argh! 416 00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,240 Missed! 417 00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:59,000 How much more?! You ready, Joe? 418 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,160 Yeah, almost. 419 00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:04,160 You're not having this one! I'll do it. 420 00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:05,760 Oh, no! 421 00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:07,320 More water! 422 00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:09,840 Start pumping, Joe. 423 00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:12,960 More water. More water. Send more water. > 424 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:14,520 More water! 425 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,960 You saved my life! 426 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:33,360 You remind me of Mr Mainwaring. 427 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:37,280 More water! Come along! More water! 428 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:39,800 All right, sir. Quick as we can. > 429 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:43,080 It's your church, Vicar. Get it yourself. 430 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:45,840 - I quite agree! - Get some more water. 431 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:51,800 Mr Mainwaring! 432 00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:54,520 If I slide down the roof, 433 00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:57,160 I can get next to the chimney. 434 00:26:57,160 --> 00:27:00,080 I will draw myself up to my full height, 435 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,720 and pour the water down the chimney. 436 00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:05,080 Don't talk so much. Get on with it. 437 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:07,440 Right away, sir. 438 00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:11,680 Ooh! Ooh! 439 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:16,360 It's hot! It's hot in a funny place! 440 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:21,640 I'm on fire! I'm on fire! 441 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:25,160 I'll put you out. Start pumping, Joe. 442 00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:35,720 Mr Mainwaring! 443 00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,440 What? 444 00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:39,960 - I think they've put me out. - Good. 445 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:43,560 - VERGER: The fire's out! - How did that happen? 446 00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:46,600 When I went down, I put some salt on it. 447 00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:50,800 Well done, my men. Get back to the tower. 448 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:54,520 YOU be careful! This ladder's poised delicately... 449 00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:58,800 I'm afraid it's smashed to smithereens. > 450 00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:01,800 You'll have to stay there a wee while. 451 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:06,040 Wilson! Go to the builder's yard and get a ladder. 452 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:08,960 It'll take ages. Get the fire brigade. 453 00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:11,320 - Not likely! - But I'm soaking wet! 454 00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:15,400 Well, you shouldn't throw water around like a six year old! 455 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:18,320 - You wouldn't say that if you was as wet as I was! - Oh, yes, I would! 456 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:21,920 THUNDER ROARS 457 00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:25,000 Now's your chance to try! 458 00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:28,320 - Wilson! - What is it now? 459 00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:33,200 If the fire brigade isn't busy, perhaps they would pop around.