1 00:00:02,760 --> 00:00:07,400 # Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 2 00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:11,440 # If you think we're on the run? 3 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:17,200 # We are the boys who will stop your little game 4 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:22,000 # We are the boys who will make you think again, 5 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:26,720 # Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 6 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:31,720 # If you think old England's done? 7 00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:36,440 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21, 8 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:38,600 # But he comes home each evening, 9 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:41,120 # And he's ready with his gun 10 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:46,280 # So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 11 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:51,200 # If you think old England's done? # 12 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:03,360 Captain Mainwaring's platoon is late, Sergeant-major. 13 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:09,240 They're using their own transport a van converted into an armoured car. 14 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:11,080 How ingenious. 15 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:15,600 Yes, sir. They're very keen. A bit too keen if you ask me. 16 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:17,880 You all right, sir? Hmm? 17 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:20,240 It's this damned twitch. 18 00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:23,760 I've been at the explosives school for a year, 19 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:28,800 and it wasn't until Home Guards came that I got this confounded twitch. 20 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:33,080 - You need some leave, sir. - They have no idea of the danger. 21 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:39,960 They're mad keen, charging about. One day they'll blow themselves sky high. I know it! 22 00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:45,880 Never mind, sir. They're the last lot. They'll soon be through the course. 23 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:50,720 - Then you'll be able to sleep easy. - Well, roll on tomorrow night. 24 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:53,760 HORN BEEPS 25 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:56,240 Right, here we go. 26 00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:00,240 Disembark! Come on, at the double. 27 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:06,000 - This lot sound keener than usual. - Oh Lord! Go and look after them. 28 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,680 Right then. In here then, gentlemen. 29 00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:12,200 Thank you, Sergeant-major. 30 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:19,440 Captain Mainwaring, Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard, sir. Sergeant Wilson. Corporal Jones. 31 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,960 We can't wait to get cracking. 32 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:25,320 We haven't handled live grenades before. 33 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:27,360 Haven't you?! 34 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:32,400 - I can't wait to get hold of them. - Neither can I. 35 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:38,440 I don't know which I like best, the bayonet or the bomb. I'm fond of both. 36 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:45,000 I like Mills bombs best. I've always wanted to meet Mr Mills. He was a very clever man. 37 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:51,040 In 1916 in France, I used to lob those bombs over. Pin out, over! BANG! 38 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:53,280 Over! BANG! 39 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:55,800 They called me the mad bomber. 40 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:59,400 I'm not mad really. I'm as sane as you are. 41 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,840 HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Oh, really! 42 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:07,880 If you'll excuse me, I've got a lot to do. Make yourselves comfortable. 43 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:11,400 He's a bit historical, isn't he, sir? 44 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,920 Yes. Let's go and get our bedding. 45 00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:17,440 I think Pike is bringing my stuff in, sir. 46 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:22,120 - We can't have anybody waiting on us in this platoon, Wilson. - No. 47 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:26,800 This unit eats, sleeps and fights together. Rank doesn't count. 48 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:29,320 Here's your bedding, Uncle Arthur. 49 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:34,280 Pike, in future you will not wait on Sgt Wilson. We're all equal here. 50 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,720 Shall I take it out again? 51 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:39,760 Frank, don't be absurd. Put it down. 52 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:43,880 - Mum says don't walk on it. She doesn't want marks. - All right! 53 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:52,840 We haven't got to sleep on the ground? 54 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:55,360 It's that or stand up all night. 55 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,800 It won't do my rheumatics any good. 56 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:02,240 Don't be so feely-wally. It will make your back go straight. 57 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:06,320 It's already decided which way it wants to go. 58 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:10,000 In here, Sponge, Hastings. 59 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:14,040 - Uncle Arthur? - What is it? - Have you seen Mr Snuggly? 60 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:17,440 Mr Who? 61 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:21,360 - Mr Snuggly, my teddy. - No, I haven't. 62 00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:28,600 - Mum said she'd put him in. - I haven't got him. 63 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:32,280 - I can't sleep without him. - I haven't seen him. 64 00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:34,800 - Have a look in your bed. - All right. 65 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:39,320 - Ah, yes. Here he is. - Don't let anybody see him! 66 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,400 But you wanted him! 67 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:49,000 - If they see him, they'll laugh at me. Wrap him up and hand him over. - All right. - What's that, Wilson? 68 00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:52,800 Er, Mr... 69 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,440 ..Mr Snuggly. 70 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:00,160 What? 71 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:03,200 He's my... My bear. My, er... 72 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:08,320 ..My teddy bear. I can't get off without him. 73 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,000 Extraordinary! 74 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,120 Thank you, Uncle Arthur. 75 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:21,240 - What are you doing, Jonesy? - Making me bed. 76 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,840 You gonna grow strawberries in it? 77 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:25,880 Course not. 78 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:30,280 - What you got that net on it for? - It's a mosquito net. 79 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:34,160 There's no mosquitoes here, you silly old duffer. 80 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:38,640 It goes with the bag. We've been together 50 years. 81 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:45,600 - # It don't seem a day too much...# - You can laugh, but it kept out more than mosquitos in the Sudan. 82 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,120 It kept out snakes an' all. 83 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,960 Snakes tried to get in your bed?! 84 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:58,760 Yeah, snakes. It's cold in the desert and them snakes used to come and try to snuggle in beside you. 85 00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:00,480 Ugh! 86 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:04,520 They're not cold and slimy, snakes, you know. 87 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:11,520 They're all warm and soft. One used to come round every night, round my tent and my net. 88 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:19,000 What did I call him? Oh yeah, Charlie. His little face used to look in with a pathetic look, 89 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:26,040 as if to say, "I'm cold. Let me in." But I never did. I don't like that sort of thing, you know. 90 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:31,360 - Everything all right? - We're settling in, thank you. 91 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:35,320 - Good, good. Where are you sleeping? - Here. - What...? 92 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:41,440 - You're not sleeping with the men? - Yes. 93 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:46,920 - My dear fellow. Can't have that. Bad for discipline. - You really think so? 94 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:51,960 Definitely, old boy. It's not on. We officers must stick together. 95 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:56,240 - I usually muck in with my chaps. - It's a mistake, a mistake. 96 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:58,720 Oh, no. Where will it all end? 97 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:05,880 Take a tip from me, rig up quarters for yourself and your sergeant, eh? Ha-ha! I'll see later, right? 98 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:08,400 - Right. - MESS BELL RINGS 99 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,440 < Come and get it! 100 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:13,760 - I'm famished. - Wilson. - What is it, sir? 101 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:21,280 - Wait till they've gone. - I'd like some food myself, sir. - It can wait. This is important. - What is, sir? 102 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:25,440 I, er...I think you and I had better sleep together. 103 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,960 - Together? - Away from the others. 104 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,880 I'm sorry, I don't quite follow you. 105 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:41,360 - Look here, I've decided it's bad for discipline to sleep with the ORs. - ORs? - The other ranks. 106 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:45,160 But you said we'd eat, sleep and fight together! 107 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:48,680 From now on we just eat and fight together. 108 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,200 - Give me a hand, will you? - Of course. 109 00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,440 That was a wizard tea. 110 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:01,960 You're right, it was'nae half bad. 111 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:07,560 They're doing their best to make us comfortable. That seed-cake was nice. 112 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,920 If I eat caraway seeds, I get indigestion. 113 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:16,480 So why did you keep a bit? I thought I'd pick the seeds out. 114 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:20,840 Silly old fool. 115 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:24,880 Hello-o-o! What's this? 116 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:30,920 "Officers and sergeants only." 117 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:34,800 God! I wonder why Mr Mainwaring's done that? 118 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:38,320 Obvious! He's got ideas above his station. 119 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,800 He really thinks he is an officer. 120 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:44,000 He is. He deserves a little privacy. 121 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:51,560 Rubbish! Rubbish! We're a civilian army and he's only holding a wartime commission. 122 00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:57,000 Come on, Jonesy. Hey boys, come and look at this! Ha! 123 00:08:57,000 --> 00:09:01,040 "Officers and sergeants only." That's a bit strong! 124 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:05,000 Mr Mainwaring usually mucks in with all of us. 125 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:08,080 Well, chaps. Have a nice tea? 126 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:14,400 Hmm, I think we'll be comfortable here. 127 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:19,280 I've got some gramophone records. Any requests? 128 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,840 What about, "Don't Fence Me In"? 129 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:30,240 I haven't got that one, Frazer. 130 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:37,400 'Ere, Sergeant, why's Mr Mainwaring gone all toffee-nosed? 131 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:44,640 I think he got the impression that it was bad for discipline for us to sleep with the ORs. 132 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:45,960 Eh? 133 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,760 Well, the...other ranks. 134 00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:51,520 - Oh, other... Other ranks. - ORs. - Yes. 135 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:54,400 - Sergeant Wilson? - Yes. 136 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:58,920 Come in here, will you? I want you to wind the gramophone. 137 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:01,400 Get away, boy. 138 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,440 Right, sir. 139 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:08,240 - What's wrong with Frazer? - Nothing as far as I know, sir. 140 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:15,240 - His manners are downright rude and he's upsetting the others. - Why do you say that? 141 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:22,520 I've detected a distinct change in the atmosphere. The men are sullen. I'm sensitive to these things. 142 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:29,320 - Perhaps you've upset them? - Absurd! We've hardly spoken since getting here. Frazer... 143 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,800 Do you think he's a communist? 144 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,200 Why do you say that, sir? 145 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:39,720 Well, he has the look of a communist about him to me. 146 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:48,360 I've noticed that when we're on night duty he never plays Monopoly. 147 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:50,880 Oh really, sir. 148 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:53,000 You may laugh. 149 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,520 Pay attention! 150 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:57,040 You're all off duty until lights out. 151 00:10:57,040 --> 00:11:00,880 There's a free issue of two pints of beer each. 152 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:07,160 You can't have more because Captain Reed wants you to have a steady hand tomorrow. 153 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:13,680 Sgt-Major, you can tell him not to worry. We'll be there bright and early, ready and steady. 154 00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:16,320 That should cheer him up no end. 155 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,480 What did the Sgt-Major want? 156 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:24,760 He says there's two free pints of beer for everyone. 157 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:28,160 Oh, splendid. We'll have a convivial evening. 158 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:35,680 - There you are. How about coming to the mess for a drink? - What mess? - The officers' mess of course. 159 00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:38,720 Oh, we were just off to the Naafi. 160 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:41,240 Oh, my hat! Come here. 161 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:49,760 - You can have a drink with the men now and then, but don't overdo it. - We're only going for a pint or two. 162 00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:57,320 - The other officers are in the mess. If you don't turn up they'll think you're...odd. - Will they really? 163 00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:02,360 - I don't want that. - Of course not. - Hang on, I'll get my cap. - Good. 164 00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,320 - I say, Wilson. - Yes. 165 00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:14,240 - Awful bore, but I've got to have a drink in the officers' mess. - Oh, what a shame (!) - Yes. 166 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:21,280 - You won't be coming with us then? - I'm afraid I won't. If I don't go, they'll think I'm odd. 167 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:27,600 - You understand, don't you? - Of course I do. You don't want to look odd. - No. 168 00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:36,000 I'd ask you to come with us, but... officers only, you know. 169 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:40,480 - See the chaps have a good time. - Yes. - Have you seen my cap? 170 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:57,560 Stupid boy! 171 00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:03,880 Well, have a good time, chaps, and don't do anything I wouldn't do. 172 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,320 CAPTAIN SQUARE: Come on, MAIN-WEARING. 173 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:10,040 ..And it was hanging out of the window. 174 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:16,720 Hello, hello. Let me introduce you. MAIN-WEARING, Walmington-on-sea... 175 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:20,120 ..Pritchard, HQ and Ashley-Jones, Dimwich Platoon. 176 00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:22,640 Take your belt off, old boy. Ha-ha! 177 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:26,160 Same again, what? Three whiskies, please. 178 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:29,520 - And you MAIN-WEARING? - A sweet sherry, please. 179 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,360 Sweet sherry?! 180 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,520 We only have whisky, sir. 181 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:40,080 Damn glad to have it too! Make it four large ones. Right, sir. 182 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:43,000 I don't think I can manage whisky. 183 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:48,120 - You do drink? - I have an odd beer or sherry now and then. 184 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:51,480 A spot of whisky won't hurt. Sit down. 185 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:55,600 You should drink it when you can, MAIN-WEARING. 186 00:13:55,600 --> 00:14:00,640 - There I go calling you MAIN-WEARING. You say Mainwaring, don't you? - Yes. 187 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:07,240 I knew a chap in India. Called himself Chumley, spelt his name Cholmondeley. Absolute idiot. 188 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:14,000 We used to call him Chilly Mushrooms. 189 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,800 Oh, Chilly Mushrooms! Ha-ha-ha! 190 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,640 I say, how frightfully amusing. 191 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:22,160 Ha-ha! Chilly mushrooms! 192 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,920 Thank you, dear boy. Thank you. 193 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:29,320 - Cheers everybody! So sorry... Cheers, cheers. - Cheers. 194 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:38,320 Cheers. 195 00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:41,360 ALL: Cheers. 196 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,360 This is the end. 197 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:48,600 Eh? 198 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,960 I said, "This is the end." 199 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:54,400 No, it isn't. I've got another full bottle. 200 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:57,800 As soon as I get back, I'm resigning. 201 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:00,560 You can't. Your country needs you. 202 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:05,520 I'll be there when I'm needed, but not under Captain Mainwaring. 203 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:11,200 - Uncle Arthur? - What is it, Frank? 204 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:14,720 SLURRED: Would you like to finish my beer? 205 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:20,560 No, thank you. I'm not really in a drinking mood for some reason. 206 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:23,400 Captain Mainwaring isn't to blame. 207 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:30,720 Captain Square led him astray. As an old platoon member, Mr Frazer, you should give him another chance. 208 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:32,920 You silly old fool. 209 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:36,800 There's no need to talk to Godfrey like that. 210 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:41,680 - Well, he is a silly old fool! Calling ME old! - Well, you are old. 211 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:48,600 - Not as old as you, you silly old fool! - I'm not as old as you, you silly old fool. I'm not 60 yet. 212 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:55,880 You told me you tried to relieve General Gordon from the mad Mahdi. You must be over 90. 213 00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,480 I was a boy soldier. 214 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:05,280 - What did they do, pin a medal on your napkin? - Walker! 215 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:11,760 Ho-ho! Old Bungey rode his polo pony right through the mess. Ha-ha-ha! 216 00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:16,800 The punka-wallah went on pulling the punka with his foot. Ha-ha-ha! 217 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:20,840 By Jove! What a night. Here you are, old boy. 218 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:24,480 - No more for me. - Nonsense. You must keep up. 219 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:28,280 What happened to old Bungey? Never saw him again. 220 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:33,320 Oh, good chap. Good chap. You know what his trouble was? 221 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:37,000 Couldn't leave the little brown girls alone. 222 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:47,600 Ha-ha! I remember one night in the mess at Jabalpur, when we made him a cardinal! 223 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,680 How did he take that? Like a lamb. 224 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:55,120 Good heavens, I haven't seen anyone made a cardinal in years. 225 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:58,280 How do you make someone a cardinal? 226 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,680 It's a ceremony we used to go through. 227 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:05,440 - What happens? - Why? Do you want to be one? 228 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:07,400 I might. 229 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:11,720 It's fine for us, but you might find it a bit much. 230 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,160 I don't see why I should. 231 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,680 I'd like to be made a cardinal. 232 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:21,760 What? What? Huh-huh! Well, shall we make him one, boys? 233 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:30,320 Hmm! All right, then. Here we go. 234 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:35,360 I'll put you in the picture, so you see how it goes. It goes like this 235 00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:40,600 here's to the health of Cardinal Puff for the first time. 236 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:45,640 You tap the table once with the first fingers of your right and left hand. 237 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:51,680 You stamp your feet once, bang the glass on the table and take one drink. 238 00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:56,200 Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff Puff for the second time. 239 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,520 You tap the table 240 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:03,880 with the first two fingers of your right and left hand twice. 241 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:10,440 You stamp your feet twice. You bang the glass on the table twice and take two drinks. 242 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:13,400 - Ha-ha-ha! - Ah! 243 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:19,920 Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff Puff Puff for the third and last time. 244 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:27,640 You tap the table with the first, second, third fingers of your right hand thrice 245 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:32,640 and with your left hand thrice. You stamp your right foot thrice 246 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:36,160 and your left foot thrice. One, two, three. 247 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:42,120 You bang the glass thrice and take three drinks! Have you got that? 248 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:44,440 Not quite. 249 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:50,960 I'll go through it again. Here's to the health... 250 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:57,280 ..So this commercial traveller, he says to the landlady... Ha-ha-ha! 251 00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:02,400 He says to the landlady, "I'm sorry, madam, but I..." No, wait a minute. 252 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:07,440 He says, "I'm sorry, I do not work between Mondays and Fridays." Haha! 253 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:13,480 Well, I thought it was funny. 254 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:16,160 Hey, I know some jokes. 255 00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:18,160 (God's sake.) 256 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:21,640 Listen, I've got tuppence in that hand. 257 00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:26,280 And I've got tuppence in that hand. How much have I got? 258 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:31,280 - Fourpence. - No, wrong. Sixpence. I've got tuppence in me pocket. 259 00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:37,320 Three tomatoes going across the desert. Which one's the cowboy? 260 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:38,840 No idea. 261 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:41,680 None of them. They're all redskins. 262 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:46,200 - Here's another. - Oh! - No, come on listen. 263 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,720 Why did the submarine blush? 264 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:52,240 - Why did the submarine blush? - Don't nudge me. 265 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:55,520 - Give up? - Yes. - Cos it saw Queen Mary's bottom. 266 00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:00,800 I don't think Queen Mary would like that. 267 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,600 Sorry, Uncle Arthur. 268 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:13,640 ..And you bang the glass on the table three times and take three drinks. 269 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:15,760 Now do you see it? 270 00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:20,520 - Yes, I think I've got it. - Splendid. Let's have a go. 271 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:26,560 If you go wrong, you've got to drain the glass and go right back to the beginning. 272 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,600 - Right. - Good luck. 273 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:33,120 Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff for the first time. 274 00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:36,840 WRONG! 275 00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:43,680 - You didn't bang the glass. Start again. - I'm so sorry. 276 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:47,120 Here's to... Drain the glass, old boy! 277 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:54,560 There we go. 278 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:59,360 Just listen to them, will you? 279 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:02,120 It's a disgrace, a perfect disgrace. 280 00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:05,480 I don't know what's come over Captain Mainwaring. 281 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:12,000 When I was out in the Sudan there was some terrible carryings-on in the officers' mess. 282 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:19,840 But I tell you one thing, if you drank too much in that heat it turned you into a gibbering idiot. 283 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:24,440 You must have knocked a bit back! 284 00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:27,080 Ha-ha-ha! 285 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:36,040 - SLURRING: - Here... 286 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,560 Here's to the health... 287 00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:44,720 ..of Cardinal Puff Puff... 288 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:48,040 - ..Puff Puff. - ALL TOGETHER: WRONG! 289 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:52,960 - Ha-ha-ha! - What was it...? What was wrong? 290 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,640 Puff Puff Puff Puff! Ha-ha! 291 00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:59,640 What's... What's wrong with that? 292 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:03,840 - Wrong with what? - Puff Puff Puff Puff. 293 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:05,720 Too many Puffs. 294 00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:08,240 You're absolutely right. 295 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:14,400 I should have said...huh!.. 296 00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:19,000 "Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff Puff Puff." 297 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:22,800 Not Cardinal Puff Puff Puff Puff. 298 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:25,560 - Well? - Start again, start again. 299 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:26,600 Here's... 300 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:32,400 ..to the h-health... Here's to the health of the Archbishop of Canterbury. 301 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,200 THEY LAUGH 302 00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:41,040 What's that got to do with it? 303 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:45,080 It's all the same thing. It's all religious. 304 00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:47,600 It's the wrong denomination. 305 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:51,000 Wrong denomination? 306 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:55,400 Yes, RC. We want it C of E. 307 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:56,440 Yes. 308 00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:00,640 - Right. - Start again. 309 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:05,320 Here's to the health of the Duchess of York... 310 00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:10,560 ..who's a friend of Cardinal Puff Puff Puff Puff. 311 00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:12,880 Wrong! Wrong! Ha-ha! 312 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,920 Start again. 313 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:19,640 - Here's to... Here's... Oh! - Start again. 314 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:22,160 Drain the glass. 315 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:26,880 - I'll drain the bloody glass. - Ah-ha-ha-ha! 316 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:34,880 SOMEONE SINGS DRUNKENLY 317 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,120 Shhh... 318 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:06,120 Damn revolving doors. 319 00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:27,840 Sorry. 320 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:42,800 Gotcha! I've got him! I've got him! I've got the intruder! 321 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,320 I've got him. I've got him. I've got... 322 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:49,680 Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring, I thought you was a thuggee. 323 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,800 No, you're quite mistaken, Colonel. 324 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:57,320 I'm Cardinal Puff Puff Puff...hic... ..Puff. 325 00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:01,840 - Bless you, sir. - Thank you, very much. 326 00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:12,520 Let's see. The Eastgate, Walmington and Dimwich Platoons have all thrown one grenade each. 327 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:15,040 TWO EXPLOSIONS 328 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:18,560 What was that? Two went off at once. 329 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:22,720 It's Sgt Williams finishing the Walmington Platoon quickly. 330 00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:29,000 If he's not careful they'll finish him quickly. Mad the lot, especially that lunatic lance corporal. 331 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:30,960 GROANING What's that? 332 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:37,400 - Are you all right, Captain Mainwaring? You look ill. - What time is it? 333 00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:38,920 Eleven-thirty. 334 00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:42,960 Where are my... Oh! Where are my men? 335 00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:47,680 On the bombing range. I'm giving a lecture on sticky bombs. 336 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:50,360 Oh good. I'll come with you. 337 00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:54,280 - Are you sure you feel up to it? - Of course. 338 00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:58,880 I wouldn't miss the bombing for anything. Carry on. 339 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:08,120 GRENADE EXPLODES 340 00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:12,320 ..And that covers the main nine points of the sticky bomb. 341 00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:15,320 Are there any questions? 342 00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:19,400 Carry on, Sgt-Major. Sir. 343 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:22,120 Right, now! > 344 00:26:22,120 --> 00:26:24,800 That is a Nazi's tank, there! 345 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:30,080 Line up! You're first, Sergeant. 346 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:34,760 - Oh, yes. Do you mind giving me a hand? - Oh! - Thanks. 347 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:38,280 You walk smartly up to the tank don't run. 348 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:45,800 Pull the pin out, the cover falls off, and press the bomb to the side of the tank, to which it will adhere. 349 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:49,840 - You then have 15 seconds to get clear. - Oh yes?! 350 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:54,720 - DON'T pull the pin out! - All right. All right. I wasn't going to. 351 00:26:56,960 --> 00:27:00,680 All of you go with him to get the hang of it. 352 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:07,560 And don't run! Understand? DON'T RUN! We don't want to attract the enemy's attention, 353 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:14,360 and you don't want to fall over and blow yourselves up. Ha-ha-ha! Right. Off you go! 354 00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:15,400 BLOWS WHISTLE 355 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:24,120 Left, right. Left, right. Left, right. 356 00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:26,000 Turn! Don't run. > 357 00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:27,520 DON'T RUN! > 358 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:28,560 One. > 359 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:29,600 Two. > 360 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:30,720 Three. > 361 00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:31,920 Four. > 362 00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:33,960 Five, six. 363 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:36,920 < Seven. Right, DOWN!! 364 00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:39,080 EXPLOSION 365 00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:48,760 Right, Corporal, you're next. 366 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:52,800 - Whatever you do, DON'T RUN! Understand! - Yes, sir. 367 00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:57,160 - I shall assume a nonchalant manner. - Get on with it, Jones. 368 00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:05,640 WHISTLE BLOWS < Left, right. Left, right. 369 00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:09,080 Left, right. Left, right. > Left, right. Left, right. 370 00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:10,120 Turn! > 371 00:28:12,120 --> 00:28:14,480 ALL: RUN!! RUN!! 372 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:15,920 INAUDIBLE 373 00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:20,320 EXPLOSION 374 00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:26,400 Oh! 375 00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:35,360 Right! BANG! 376 00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:38,920 BOOM! 377 00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:42,920 Right, take it steady. And don't fire till I say. 378 00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:46,440 Right! 379 00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:49,640 Fire! BANG! BOOM! 380 00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:54,520 Not bad. 381 00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:56,520 Next! 382 00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:00,880 We've nearly finished, Jones. 383 00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:02,960 Jones! Jones! 384 00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:09,960 We've nearly finished now. You can move the van when I give the signal. 385 00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:12,600 - Right, sir. - I'll bang on the back. 386 00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:15,120 You'll bang on the back, sir. 387 00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:17,520 You ready, lad? Yes, sir. 388 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:20,840 Fire! 389 00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:22,880 CLICKING 390 00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:32,840 I think it's broken. You left the safety-catch on. Let me do it. 391 00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:38,400 It still won't go, sir. 392 00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:40,600 BANG! Ooh! 393 00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:53,600 - There's no need to bang that loud! - ENGINE STARTS 394 00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:56,600 Blimey! 395 00:29:58,480 --> 00:30:02,320 - Hang on. - All right, Wilson. I'll handle it. 396 00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:05,360 CHASE MUSIC 397 00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:14,440 - # - In the meantime 398 00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:17,120 - # - Think of me do... 399 00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:19,640 - # - Cleaning my rifle 400 00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:22,000 - # - And dreaming of you... - # 401 00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:24,400 Jones! Jones! 402 00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:32,520 - # - La-la-la-la-la 403 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,440 - # - And in the meantime 404 00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:38,000 - # - Think of me do... 405 00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:46,920 - # - Cleaning my rifle and thinking of you 406 00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:49,360 - # - La-la-la-la-la. - # 407 00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:52,880 - Jones! - Mr Mainwaring, how did you get there? 408 00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:57,400 - Quick, stop the van! - What? - There's a live grenade in the back. 409 00:30:57,400 --> 00:30:59,920 What's that? A live grenade. 410 00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:03,040 A LIVE GRENADE! DON'T PANIC! DON'T PANIC!! 411 00:31:05,920 --> 00:31:08,440 Stop it first, you idiot! 412 00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:15,000 Ooh! 413 00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:29,840 Jones! Take cover! That could blow up at any second. Down here. 414 00:31:33,920 --> 00:31:36,440 There are 200 grenades in that van. 415 00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:41,680 They'll wreck the power-station and put the whole county out of action. 416 00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:44,200 - Are you sure? - Of course I'm sure. 417 00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:51,520 - Come back, you fool! - Come back! Think of Mrs Mainwaring and the men. 418 00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:54,080 We'd rather not lose you, sir. 419 00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:58,720 CHASE MUSIC 420 00:32:12,520 --> 00:32:13,640 Got it! 421 00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:31,600 Oh! Well done, Mr Mainwaring! 422 00:32:31,600 --> 00:32:34,440 THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD 423 00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:35,880 Jolly good. Well done... 424 00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:23,240 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd