1
00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:07,000
# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 

2
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:11,000
# If you think we're on the run? 

3
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:16,280
# We are the boys who will stop your little game, 

4
00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:21,240
# We are the boys who will make you think again, 

5
00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:26,160
# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 

6
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:30,640
# If you think old England's done? 

7
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:35,880
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21, 

8
00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:40,880
# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun, 

9
00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:46,040
# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 

10
00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:50,480
# If you think old England's done? # 

11
00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:56,400
There we are. Take 2/3d, Doris! 

12
00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:59,280
- Good morning, Mr Jones.
- Morning. 

13
00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:06,160
- Two books?
- No, three this week. My brother's home on leave from the Army. 

14
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:09,480
That's his card. 

15
00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,280
I see. 

16
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,920
Have I got enough for a joint? 

17
00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:22,320
Hardly a joint, Mrs Fox, no. Here's your books, dear. 

18
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:26,960
You could have brisket, but it's rather tough. 

19
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:32,000
You might prefer cutlets. They're more toothsome. 

20
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:36,600
- I'll take the cutlets. 
- I haven't got any. 

21
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:40,840
What were you bletherin' about them for? 

22
00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:46,160
Don't be impatient, Mr Frazer. There's a war on, you know. 

23
00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:49,080
What about some nice chump ends? 

24
00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:53,760
You'd get plenty of those and they're not too tough. 

25
00:01:53,760 --> 00:02:00,320
I'll take those. I want to feed him up. He was at Dunkirk, you know. 

26
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:06,080
- Dunkirk, was he?
- Yes.
- In that case, I'll give you a couple of sausages. 

27
00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:12,720
- I
- didn't get sausages! 
- You wasn't at Dunkirk! 

28
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:17,080
No, but I made tea for them, and I rolled bandages! 

29
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:21,800
You can't have sausages for THAT! 

30
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:27,080
- Take 3/7d, please, Doris! 
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Mrs Fox. 

31
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:32,480
- Mr Frazer?
- I didnae get corned beef last week. I've come for it now. 

32
00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:35,440
Oh, dear, that's all I've got left. 

33
00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:40,560
Them's crumbs! I'm not payin' the sliced rate for crumbs! 

34
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:43,440
- You can have 'em for 6d.
- Done! 

35
00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:46,240
Have you...eh...? 

36
00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:54,000
- Have you heard about Sgt Wilson? 
- No.
- They say he's not to be found. He hasn't been in the bank all day. 

37
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:59,280
- Now, as you very well know, I am not one for tittle-tattle.
- No. 

38
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:07,040
- I think there's a rift in the loot. 
- What loot?
- Mrs Pike's loot, you old duffer! 

39
00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:10,320
There's a rift in Mrs Pike's loot?! 

40
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:14,000
Poor Mr Wilson. 

41
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:18,720
- Hello, Jonesy! Not a word to a soul.
- No. 

42
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:26,760
- How's tricks?
- It's no good you coming here. You're not registered with me. Anyway, we're closing. 

43
00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:32,080
- How about a nice bit of rabbit? 
- Rabbit? Haven't seen one for ages. 

44
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:34,920
You have now. 

45
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,880
- Where did you...?
- It's Bugs Bunny. 

46
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:44,720
- He's given up the pictures for the war effort. Five bob. I want the skin back.
- Why? 

47
00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:47,920
He's maybe going to have it refilled. 

48
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:51,080
A friend of mine makes mink coats. 

49
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,800
Well, you can't get mink! 

50
00:03:54,800 --> 00:04:01,720
One rabbit is no good to me. If they hear I've got rabbit, they'll all want one. 

51
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:06,600
- Take 6d, Doris!
- Are things bad? 
- They're terrible. 

52
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:13,760
I've got less than half a sausage per book, and two tins of corned beef was blown! 

53
00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:19,480
And they blame ME. I can't sleep. I'm at the thin end of my wedge. 

54
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,680
Don't worry. It's not your fault. 

55
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:28,800
To hear them talk, you'd think it was. I need 50 rabbits. 

56
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,760
No way. You can't get ammunition. 

57
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:39,160
- I've got to get something off the ration, Joe. 
- Something off the ration, eh? 

58
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:41,200
Difficult. 

59
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:46,920
Supply is limited. But hold on, I just might be able to help you. 

60
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:52,520
FRAZER: 'Have you heard about Sgt Wilson? 

61
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:56,920
Well, dinnae tell a soul, but there's a rumour...' 

62
00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:07,880
Anyway, I was coming out of the library when I saw Sgt Wilson with this girl... 

63
00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:11,880
I knew it! There's a woman behind this. 

64
00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:14,960
­ He had his arm around her, but... 

65
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:19,600
There's depravity in every line of his face. 

66
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:24,360
It'll be the ruin of him. He's gone amok! 

67
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:27,400
KNOCK AT DOOR 

68
00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:35,720
- Ah, Pike. Any news of Sgt Wilson? 
- He's not at Mum's, Mr Mainwaring. 

69
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:42,120
If he doesn't appear by this evening, I'll contact the police. 

70
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:46,680
- I wouldn't do that if I was you. 
- Why not? 

71
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:51,240
Well, I'm sure he'll turn up sooner or later. 

72
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:56,640
- Are you hiding something?
- No. 
- Come along, out with it, boy. 

73
00:05:56,640 --> 00:06:03,120
Well, the night before last, he and Mum had words. 

74
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:06,240
Ah, I see. What happened? 

75
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:10,640
I couldn't hear much, leaning over the banisters. 

76
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:18,600
But he shouted at Mum and she threw him out. 

77
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,360
Yes, go on. 

78
00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:27,400
Well, after he'd thrown pebbles at her bedroom window, she shouted, 

79
00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,520
"Clear off, you beast!" 

80
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:32,480
Then she threw something. It broke. 

81
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:37,720
Ah...now I understand. 

82
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:41,000
- She got up early and picked up the pieces.
- Yes. 

83
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:47,400
- Except the handle. 
- Yes, OK. Keep this to yourself.
- OK. 

84
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,040
Come in! 

85
00:06:55,560 --> 00:07:00,600
Sir, Sgt Wilson is still not present without leave! 

86
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:03,600
Shall I start the men up, Sir? 

87
00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:06,320
Yes, please, Corporal. 

88
00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:10,880
- Run along, Pike. 
- Yes, Mr Mainwaring. 

89
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:14,760
Right, fall in! Look sharp about it. 

90
00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:20,160
- Where's Walker? Come on, Walker, you're late.
- Jonesy, come here. 

91
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:28,160
- Your problems are over. I got 'em. 
- What?
- The off-the-ration meat. Pigeons, about six dozen of 'em. 

92
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:36,120
- Pigeons? Where?
- In the boiler house next to Mainwaring's office. 
- They'll go off in the heat. 

93
00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:40,760
No, they won't. They're not dead yet. 

94
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:43,600
I don't want them flappin' about. 

95
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:49,400
- I've got them doped. How do you 
- think I caught 'em?
- Well, where...? 

96
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:54,440
- Come along. No talking.
- Right, Sir. Squad, 'shun! 

97
00:07:54,440 --> 00:08:00,000
- Platoon ready for inspection, Sir. 
- Thank you, Corporal.
- Sir.
- Fall in. 

98
00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:16,880
- Why aren't you in uniform?
- Vital war work, Sir.
- We're all doing that. 

99
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:20,040
I know, but there was a flap on. 

100
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:25,720
Stand at ease! 

101
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:40,480
- Ready now, Corporal? 
- I'm ready for anything, Sir. 

102
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:45,640
On Sunday there will be a voluntary church parade. 

103
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:48,400
I shall expect you all to attend. 

104
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:55,600
Do you think you could have a word with the vicar? His sermons go on rather long. 

105
00:08:55,600 --> 00:09:00,520
You'll have to take that up with the vicar yourself, Godfrey. 

106
00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:05,040
Now, your arms drill is getting very sloppy. 

107
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:11,480
I'd rather go into battle with tidy soldiers than with shoddy soldiers. 

108
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:14,600
So we're going to brass it up. 

109
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:19,400
As Sgt Wilson isn't with us, I shall take it myself. 

110
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:22,240
Right, properly at ease, everyone. 

111
00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:25,160
- Squad...!
- Ohhhhhhhh... 

112
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:28,000
No talking in the ranks. 

113
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:33,000
- Squad...!
- Ohhhh!
- I shan't tell you again at the back. 

114
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:38,440
- Squad...!
- Ohhh!
- Just a moment. What's going on here? 

115
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,440
Ohhhhh...ohhhh. 

116
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,480
- Ohhhhh.
- Wilson! Wilson! 

117
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,320
What? Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Sir. 

118
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:54,480
- I must've dropped off.
- Go to my office at once!
- What?
- My office! 

119
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:57,360
Ohhh, it's my head... 

120
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:07,520
- Good evening. How awfully nice to see you all...
- Never mind that! 

121
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:10,440
Hello. Lovely. Nice to see you. 

122
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:18,320
- Very nice. Yes, I'll go quickly... 
- Carry on, Corporal.
- Carry on doing what, Sir?
- The arms drill. 

123
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,240
Oh, yes, I nearly forgot. 

124
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:27,920
I'd give a whole pound to be in there. It's not our business. 

125
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,760
- What's the meaning of this?
- Hmm? 

126
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:35,960
- What is the meaning of this? 
- I'm sorry, but I feel a bit dizzy. 

127
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:43,080
- You look all in. Sit down.
- Thanks. You must think all this is strange. 

128
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:49,040
- Have you been drinking?
- Oh, yes. I've been drinking. Oh, my head! 

129
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:54,160
- You've had a skinful! 
- I suppose I have. 

130
00:10:54,160 --> 00:11:00,360
Tell me about it. The last report I had you were outside Mrs Pike's. 

131
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:04,560
Yes. It was a good thing she missed, wasn't it? 

132
00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:11,040
It was a misunderstanding. She thought I'd been... 

133
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:15,280
She thought I'd been... 

134
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:20,440
She thought I'd been... 

135
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:25,320
Pull yourself together! You're getting woolly-minded. 

136
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:31,280
It all began many years ago, you see... Oh, Lord. 

137
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:38,720
- What?
- A few years after... A few years after the last... 

138
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:44,360
- You keep going off into a dream! 
- I keep seeing birds. 

139
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,240
I advise you to sign the pledge. 

140
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:52,040
There's a war on. Those troops need to be trained. 

141
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:58,240
If you want to stay in this platoon get out there and train them! 

142
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:03,920
- Yes...
- We'll talk about this after the parade. 

143
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:07,520
Will we? Oh, Lord! 

144
00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:10,400
I don't want any slovenliness... 

145
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:17,200
Thank you, Corporal Jones, I'll do my best to try and take over now. 

146
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:23,800
Ohhh! Right, properly at ease. Squad, atten-SHUN! 

147
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:29,720
Pike, pay attention. Squad, slope arms! 

148
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:33,320
One, two, three. One, two, three! 

149
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,600
Pike, I said, "Slope arms". 

150
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:42,200
- I'm not going to.
- Pardon? 
- I'm not going to. 

151
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,320
You're not...? Oh, Lord! 

152
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:52,760
You've done it now, lad. That was mutiny. 

153
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:55,400
You'll be shot. 

154
00:12:55,400 --> 00:13:02,200
- Yes?
- Sorry to bother you, but Pike says he won't. 
- Won't what?
- Slope arms. 

155
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:11,360
What's all this about?! 

156
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:17,360
I'm sorry to bother you, but could I have a word in private? Come on. 

157
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:26,240
- Now, what have you got to say? 
- I'm to ignore Sgt Wilson. Mum said so. 

158
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,080
Am I hearing you right? 

159
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:35,280
Yes. Mum said I was to ignore Sgt Wilson, so I did. 

160
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:42,960
- Your mum doesn't run this platoon! 
- She didn't say I was to ignore YOU. 
- Very generous of her(!) 

161
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:50,080
You see, she said that Uncle... Sgt Wilson was a bit of a Casa... 

162
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:54,440
- A Casanov...
- Spit it out, boy! 

163
00:13:54,440 --> 00:14:00,040
Mr Mainwaring...there's a pigeon in your pigeonhole. 

164
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:14,160
- Jones! Wilson! My office is alive with pigeons!
- They've woken up! 

165
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:18,720
- Open the door, Pike. Let 'em out! 
- No, don't do that. 

166
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:23,600
- Get a hold of that one. 
- Come on... 

167
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:30,120
- Are these yours?
- Yes, Sir. A pigeon-fancier friend didn't fancy 'em no more. 

168
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:36,680
- They could carry messages.
- Where are they coming from?
- The boiler house. 

169
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:44,200
A sergeant incapable, troops who don't obey orders, and now my office is an aviary! 

170
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:49,160
- BANGING ON DOOR 
- Come in, damn you! 

171
00:14:56,600 --> 00:15:02,040
- That's the last lot, Jonesy. 
- I'll keep these for Mr Mainwaring. 

172
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:09,160
- I thought he was goin' to have me shot. 
- How much do I owe you?
- £5. 

173
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:16,160
- £5?
- I had to give Ted 10 bob to top them.
- OK, I'll pay you tomorrow. 

174
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:22,200
Hoi, put that ruddy light out! Them's Jerry planes. 

175
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:27,680
- They won't see that little light. 
- I'm going to book you for this! 

176
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:33,760
- What about your torch? 
- Have two pigeons and forget it. 

177
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,440
For me? Oh... 

178
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:43,440
Well, I... Well, I suppose it's not a very big light. Thanks very much. 

179
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:46,320
HE WHISPERS 

180
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:49,600
ANTI-AIRCRAFT FIRE 

181
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:54,560
- It's a fine barrage tonight. 
- Yes, 3.7s mostly. 

182
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:57,400
­ Awfully noisy things. 

183
00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:04,360
- Pike, it's after nine o'clock, put the wireless on. 
- Yes, Mr Mainwaring. 

184
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:07,520
Sorry we're late. Those pigeons... 

185
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:13,400
- I don't want to hear.
- A little contribution for you and your wife. 

186
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:17,680
Thank you very much. 

187
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:25,840
RADIO: 'The mysterious drop in the number of pigeons in Trafalgar Square 

188
00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:29,000
'continues to baffle Londoners... 

189
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,120
'A full investigation is promised. 

190
00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:37,440
'The Home Secretary said it was doubtful if there was a connection 

191
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:42,680
'between this event and the fall in the number of apes on Gibraltar.' 

192
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:47,280
No, not the apes! I didn't touch a single ape. 

193
00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:52,920
- Yours, I think, Corporal.
- Joe's. 
- They're not mine. You bought 'em. 

194
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:55,840
I haven't paid for them yet. 

195
00:16:55,840 --> 00:17:03,120
I've just heard the news. I've lost the taste. Oh, that's nice(!) 

196
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:08,280
Walker, Jones, I think you've got something to do. 

197
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:15,560
- I'm stayin' here. Joe, here's the keys to my shop.
- That's nice - pull up the rope, Joe(!) 

198
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:18,520
MI5 might come round. 

199
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:26,280
I can see the headlines now: "Home Guard Commander Arrested For Chasing Birds!" 

200
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:29,040
Don't hang about, Walker! 

201
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:39,120
KNOCK AT DOOR 

202
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:47,600
- Pike.
- Mum says, if you see Sgt Wilson, will you tell him she wants a word with him? 

203
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:53,240
I've given him compassionate leave to sort himself out. 

204
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:58,640
Oh... She's whitewashing a ceiling and I think she needs some help. 

205
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:03,080
I wouldn't have thought that was much in his line. 

206
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:09,920
- He holds the stepladder for her. 
- Well, he'll be back for the church parade. 

207
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:15,080
It seems a pity, when rations are short. People might want them. 

208
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:20,480
I don't know what he did, but they had all gone this morning. 

209
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:25,280
I got rid of them. It wasn't easy. 

210
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:26,840
Did anyone see you? 

211
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:33,560
- No. But do you want 3 dozen...?
- No! I'm going to put Capt Mainwaring's mind at rest. 

212
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:39,440
Joe, you've never destroyed them, have you? I couldnae bear it. 

213
00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:47,120
Course not. In a few days, I'll let you have a couple... if we don't have a heat wave. 

214
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:54,840
Mr Mainwaring, I thought you'd be interested to know 

215
00:18:54,840 --> 00:19:00,560
that the things with feathers, which we don't want to mention, 

216
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:08,600
have been put in a place that we don't want to know about by the man who is going to remain anonymous. 

217
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:13,320
- You won't hear any more about it. 
- I see. 

218
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:16,680
Do I make myself plain, Sir? 

219
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:20,880
Yes, you do, Corporal, quite plain. 

220
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:26,320
Ah, Capt Mainwaring! Here's a note of the hymns for Sunday. 

221
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:33,080
"Lead Kindly Light", "Rock of Ages", and "Onward Christian Soldiers". 

222
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:37,680
Yes, fine. Nothing very controversial there. 

223
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:41,960
We haven't got an organist, you see. 

224
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:47,000
We sing unaccompanied, so everyone must know the hymns. 

225
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:51,480
I give them the first note, though. PARP ! 

226
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,080
I've no doubt we'll manage. 

227
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:59,120
- Permission to interject, Sir? 
- What is it? 

228
00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:04,640
- The vicar doesn't have to blow his pipe.
- Should I la-la it? 

229
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:08,960
We don't want that. Let him play his pipe. 

230
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:16,080
- I agree. I'd much rather blow this than go "La-a-a-a-a-a-a!"
- Yes. 

231
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:19,080
No, you misunderstand my meaning. 

232
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:24,880
For "Onward Christian Soldiers" I could play the organ. 

233
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,640
I didn't know you played the organ. 

234
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:32,240
- I was driven to it by passion. 
- Really? 

235
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:37,360
It all happened a long time ago, in Leamington Spa. 

236
00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:44,720
I fell in love with this beautiful lady... Well, she had rather an acid face actually. 

237
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:50,000
- It was her knees I liked. 
- Her knees?
- Yes, Sir. 

238
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:56,960
She had very flat knees. I've never seen anyone with such flat knees. 

239
00:20:56,960 --> 00:21:02,320
She was very religious and she did a lot of praying. 

240
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:10,040
Anyway, I'm sorry to say this, but she drove me mad with lust. 

241
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:14,600
And I was determined to make her look favourably on me. 

242
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:22,120
So, haunted by desire, I learned to play "Onward Christian Soldiers" on the organ. 

243
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:28,280
There I was, with her flat knees imprinted on my brain... 

244
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:31,760
Eventually, I mastered the tune. 

245
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:36,680
I rushed round to her house, filled with triumph. 

246
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:43,680
But it didn't do me any good. She'd moved. But I never lost the touch. 

247
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:49,760
- Thanks. That'll make a nice change. 
- Yes, I'm sure it will(!) 

248
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:52,600
See you all on Sunday, then. 

249
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:09,440
I've been helpin' her with her blackout curtains. 

250
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:27,040
- Put that cigarette out, Walker. 
- Yeah. Sorry. 

251
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,200
Hey! 

252
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:38,200
Oh, I'm glad you could make it(!) 

253
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,720
Well, it's all been rather a trial. 

254
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:46,560
- Could you spare time for a chat after the service(?)
- Yes.
- Good. 

255
00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:55,800
Oh, darling, I'd forgotten about your heavy suitcases. 

256
00:22:55,800 --> 00:23:01,880
- I'm sorry I can't see you off. 
- It's OK. I was afraid I'd miss you. 

257
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:09,360
- I'm glad I've seen you in your uniform. It suits you. 
- So does yours. 

258
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:12,560
Well, I'm glad you like it. 

259
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:15,400
Well, I must rush or I'll be late. 

260
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:22,760
- Goodbye, Daddy.
- 'Bye, my darling. Thank you for coming to see me. 
- I'm glad I did. Goodbye. 

261
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,720
Give my love to your mother. 

262
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:36,200
- A fine lassie.
- Yes. 

263
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:44,160
Her mother left me when she was very young. I haven't seen much of her over the years. 

264
00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:50,560
- But...well...I got her to a good school.
- She does you credit. 

265
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:53,440
Yes, I think it was worth it. 

266
00:23:53,440 --> 00:24:01,440
Still, you see, it's all in the past. I didn't want anybody to know about it, you see. 

267
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:09,040
I'm an old bletherskite, Wilson. I know that and so do you. 

268
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:15,600
But I promise ye, nobody will ever hear a word about this frae me. 

269
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:20,240
Thank you, Frazer, it's very kind of you. 

270
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:23,280
I'd better have one of these. 

271
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:30,040
Get in. 

272
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:42,920
So this makes it, does it not, even more necessary that we should look into our own hearts? 

273
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:50,680
We should gaze closely > at ourselves and ask ourselves, are we better than that poor woman? 

274
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:58,520
If she were to stand > in front of us today, would we be blameless? 

275
00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:03,200
Would we be the one to cast the first stone? 

276
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:08,600
- I hope you've been listening. 
- I've heard it all before. 

277
00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:11,560
And now to God the Father... > 

278
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:21,680
Hoi, where's Jonesy going? He's going to play the organ. 

279
00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:24,680
What's up, Joe? You've gone pale. 

280
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:31,800
He can't do that. Why not? 50 pigeons are in the pipes! 

281
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:38,040
Hymn 629. "Onward Christian Soldiers." 

282
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:44,360
- Where are you going?
- Em...to help with the collection.
- Go back in. 

283
00:25:44,360 --> 00:25:48,440
Pump away. Give me some air. 

284
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:55,840
OUT-OF-TUNE PLAYING 

285
00:25:55,840 --> 00:26:00,800
Come on, Mr Yeatman, pump up! Can't you pump any harder? 

286
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:03,880
I'm already straining myself. 

287
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:13,040
# ..into war, Join our happy throng... # 

288
00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:32,320
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