1 00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:07,000 # Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 2 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:10,360 # If you think we're on the run 3 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:16,000 # We are the boys who will stop your little game 4 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:21,640 # We are the boys who will make you think again 5 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:26,440 # Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 6 00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:31,440 # If you think old England's done? 7 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:35,960 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21 8 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:40,640 # But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun 9 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:45,080 # So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 10 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:50,560 # If you think old England's done? # 11 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:57,560 - Wilson, read these notes in a loud clear voice. - A loud clear voice. 12 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:02,280 - Have you sorted the slides, Jones? - I shan't be a tick. 13 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:06,640 I'm very excited. We've never had a lecture like this. 14 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,800 It's...it's a perfect disgrace! 15 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:16,240 Stuck in here like this on a beautiful summer's evening, 16 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:18,760 with the blackouts up. 17 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,560 We need them to see the pictures. 18 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:27,320 But it's positively unhealthy, son. You can cut the air with a knife. 19 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,160 Look at him. 20 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:33,440 The silly old fool's in a deep coma. 21 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:37,280 Don't wake him. He's been up all day (!) 22 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:39,320 Hey! 23 00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:45,200 # Why are we waiting, Why are we waiting? # 24 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:50,320 - What's happening out there? - Sounds like Frazer. 25 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:53,840 - I thought so too. - # Oh, why, why... 26 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:58,640 - # ..why? - Quiet! - # Why are we...? # - Be quiet! 27 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:02,440 We will come out only when we're ready. 28 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:04,960 - Are the blackouts up? - Yes, sir. 29 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:08,240 Here, this is a lot of Zulus dancing. 30 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:13,560 That's the vicar's lecture, "Light Into Darkest Africa". 31 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:18,600 Let's go! Right, settle down! Pike, put out the lights! 32 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:22,360 - Wilson, light the candles. - Aye, sir. 33 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:29,120 Now, the subject this evening is "Know Your Enemy". 34 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:33,160 We're going to show you some Germans in uniform. 35 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:41,720 Right. 36 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,760 Wilson. Wilson! 37 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:49,720 - You're not in church. - Sorry, sir. 38 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:55,880 - Ready to show the slides, Corporal? - Yes. Ready in a minute. Keep back. 39 00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,640 Are you ready to read the notes? 40 00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:06,040 Quite ready, sir. 41 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:16,520 - First slide. - Have you got your clicker? 42 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:23,480 - Have I what? - It's a little metal frog. You go click and I know when to change slide. 43 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:27,640 - No, I haven't a clicker. - Oh. Get the vicar's clicker. 44 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:35,520 - You're not having the vicar's clicker! - Would you mind saying click, sir? 45 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:41,800 - Certainly not. Put the first slide in. - Very good, sir, right. CLICK! 46 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:48,840 Private. Infantry Rifleman, front. Grey uniform. Colours on right of steel helmet. 47 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:54,680 Several things to notice, but I want you to particularly notice the eyes. 48 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:58,440 Mean, shifty, set too close together. 49 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,360 Typical Nazi. Next slide. 50 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:07,080 - Click! - Just a minute! I'm the one supposed to say click. - Come on! 51 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:11,320 - Don't you say click! - Get the next slide! - Right. Click! 52 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:18,760 - Private. Infantry Rifleman, rear. German eagle on left side of helmet. - There. 53 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:25,680 Notice the red, nasty, bull neck bulging out over the collar. 54 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:29,920 Also typically Nazi. Right, next one. 55 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:32,880 - Click! - Click! Oh, shut up! Click! 56 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:38,320 - Panzer Grenadier. Light Machine Gunner. - Now, notice the ears, here. 57 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:42,760 There are no lobes. Well-known criminal trait. 58 00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:52,760 - Mr Mainwaring, aren't there any nice-looking Germans? - No. 59 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:59,920 - What's that thing hanging down? - What thing? - That thing there? 60 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:03,440 - This thing here? - That thing there. 61 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:09,600 - What is that thing hanging down there? - I don't know. It doesn't say. 62 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:15,000 Excuse me, sir, I think it's the starting-handle to a pansy-tank. 63 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:20,480 - Yes, very possibly. Next one. - Right, sir. Click! 64 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:23,720 Cavalry, Private, First Class. 65 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:28,560 - That's smart. - I don't want any of that sort of talk, Pike. 66 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:32,160 That's not smart! That's ersatz rubbish. 67 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:38,240 That uniform'll fall to bits in weeks. All for show, not blow. 68 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:43,240 Not like the British uniform. Strong, sturdy, lasting, crafted. 69 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:52,320 - Carry on, sergeant. - Right. Cavalrymen serving in... - < Sir! Sir! 70 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:57,120 - Yes, Frazer? - Could you ask the sergeant to speak up? 71 00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:00,760 I cannae hear him! He's mumbling! 72 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:06,640 - Can't any of you hear? - No, no. No! Sorry, uncle! 73 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:15,480 Wilson! How can I command attention when you talk in that boring voice? It's very monotonous. 74 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:20,720 - Try and lift it up and down a bit. - Right, sir, I'll do my best. 75 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:25,920 Cavalrymen...serving in infantry reconnaissance units... 76 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:31,840 belong to the infantry arm. Armoured division infantry are designated... 77 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:37,840 - All right, that'll do. - Is that going up and down enough, do you think? 78 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:41,440 Notice the dozy look on this man's face. 79 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:46,400 Quite different from our keen, alert...Godfrey! Godfrey! 80 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:49,000 Waken him up someone! 81 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,480 Be keen and alert! 82 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:56,000 Oh, sorry, sir. I must have dropped off. It's rather stuffy in here. 83 00:06:56,000 --> 00:07:01,240 Yes. I'm afraid you must put up with it. You're on active service. 84 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:08,040 It's likely that the first Germans we encounter, will be parachutists. 85 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:12,080 Can we have the first parachutist, Corporal? 86 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:15,440 All right, sir, keep back. Click! 87 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:19,160 ROARS OF LAUGHTER 88 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:23,800 - It's upside down! - It's not upside down, he's... 89 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,920 Of course it's upside down! 90 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:32,280 Jones may be right. Maybe his 'chute failed and he landed on his head! 91 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:36,440 Don't be absurd, Walker. Turn it round! 92 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:39,920 - Right, sir. - Parachutist, 2nd Lieutenant. 93 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:43,960 Mr Mainwaring, why's he got such titchy legs? 94 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:51,240 They're not titchy legs, it's his uniform. The crutch is cut low. 95 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:56,880 I wouldn't say it was all that low. 96 00:07:56,880 --> 00:08:01,120 - Stuffing, sir! - What's that, Frazer? 97 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:05,440 (Stuffing.) Protection. Padding, for protection. 98 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:08,320 In case he lands on iron railings. 99 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:13,360 That's right. They don't like landing on iron railings... 100 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:16,840 All right. All right. 101 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,600 You may have a point there, Walker. 102 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:23,800 All the iron railings have gone for scrap. 103 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,720 The Germans don't know that. 104 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:31,520 Where's his gun? Left on the plane! 105 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:36,000 Walker, one more word and I'll ask you to leave. 106 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,520 - Evening, Napoleon! GROANS - Well? 107 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:43,520 A word with the verger. Sorry. 108 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:47,240 I'm looking after the vicar's apparatus. 109 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:50,280 Why are you all crouched in the dark? 110 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:55,640 - I'm giving a lecture. - A lecture? You're looking at funny photos. 111 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:59,360 - Funny photos? - Yeah, girls with no...whoa! 112 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:04,400 - Girls...? How dare you! Get out! - Not till I've seen the verger. 113 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:10,640 - Well, sit down till I'm finished. You might learn something. - Right, go on! 114 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:17,680 - German Navy... - Just a minute! I'll give the orders here. - Sorry. - Be quiet! 115 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:22,280 - Shall I go now? - Yes. - German Navy. Admiral of the Line. 116 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:25,880 The number of rings worn denote the rank. 117 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:33,400 - Slide, please. - Yes, sir, sorry, I'm in a bit of a muddle. Stand back, stand back. 118 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:37,720 - Sort it out. - Yes, right, sir. Ready, sir, ready. 119 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,320 - Read it out again. - Right, sir. 120 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:46,640 - German Navy. Admiral of the Line. The number of rings worn denotes rank. - Click! 121 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,680 CHEERS AND CLAPPING 122 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,680 - Shut the door, Wilson. - Yes, sir. 123 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:07,480 I didn't say anything out there. 124 00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:12,080 - I didn't want to show you up. - I don't understand. 125 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:18,680 It's that ridiculous eye-glass. You look like an advertisement for Sharp's Toffee. 126 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:25,640 I wear this monocle because I have a weakness in my right eye. It's been bothering me. 127 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:29,360 The oculist recommended it. 128 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:34,160 Weakness, my foot (!) Why can't you wear glasses like anybody else? 129 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:36,800 Anyway, they're for officers only. 130 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:42,120 Show me, in King's Regulations, where it says I can't wear one. 131 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:48,800 - I needn't. Sergeants don't wear monocles. - Officers shouldn't wear arch supports! 132 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:54,240 - Leave my feet out of it! - Only if you leave my eyes out of it. 133 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,840 Look here... 134 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:02,520 - Let's not be childish. - Quite, sir. 135 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:05,960 - Have you considered the hazards? - Yes. 136 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:11,320 If you wear a gas-mask and drop it, you couldn't put it back in. 137 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:14,760 It would rattle about inside the mask. 138 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:18,880 No sergeant of mine will have a rattling monocle. 139 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:22,120 Besides, you might block the air intake. 140 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:24,840 - KNOCK AT DOOR - Come in. 141 00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:32,800 - What is it, Frazer? - Captain Mainwaring, I'll come straight to the point. 142 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:39,080 You've always wasted a lot of our precious time. Tonight was the last straw. 143 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:42,440 - Look here, Frazer! - Let me finish. 144 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:48,600 I've made some careful notes. If you'll just haud on a wee... 145 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:53,440 I'll give you one or two items that might interest ye. 146 00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:55,960 On November the 6th, 1940, 147 00:11:55,960 --> 00:12:02,120 you wasted three hours giving us a lecture on why the Germans don't play cricket. 148 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:06,400 On January the 28th, 1941, 149 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:11,520 you lectured us on how Hitler, when he's in a rage, bites the carpet. 150 00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:16,960 - It's well known. - Maybe. You then wasted two hours, 151 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:22,000 working out a plan on how to send him a poisoned hearth-rug. 152 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:31,360 According to my notes, it comes to a total of four hundred and thirty-eight hours 153 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:35,040 wasted on useless blathering. 154 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:38,040 That's how I feel. 155 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:43,920 I had to tell you to your face. No offence intended, you understand. 156 00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:46,400 That's all! 157 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:52,480 - Incredible! That's rank insubordination. - It was rather strong. 158 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,040 Strong (?) I've had enough of him. 159 00:12:55,040 --> 00:13:00,120 He's been a thorn in my side ever since this unit was formed. I... 160 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:04,160 - Wait a minute! Grumbling, grumbling... - Pardon? 161 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:09,720 - There's something in the Home Guard Manual. - Oh, yes? What was that? 162 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:17,040 Ah! Here we are. Man Management. 163 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:24,600 - There is a cure for unnecessary grousing, but a bad CO or NCO may be afraid to try it. - Mm-hm. 164 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,720 It is a temporary exchange of rank. 165 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:31,720 Let the grumbler run the section or platoon, 166 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:36,360 and learn for himself that it is not so easy. 167 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:43,280 - I'm not afraid. - Right. - I'll throw out the challenge. - Sir. - He'll soon stop. - Yes. 168 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:47,480 And in conclusion... I feel... 169 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:53,680 I must say, that there is in the ranks a certain dissatisfaction, 170 00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:56,880 with my method of command. 171 00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:00,240 - Permission to speak, sir? - Yes. 172 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,480 I want to say this. I see it this way. 173 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:10,720 An officer is an officer. A sergeant is a sergeant. And a private is a private. 174 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:15,160 Yes? 175 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:18,240 That's all there is, sir. 176 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:24,840 - What's that got to do with it? - I thought I ought to say it. 177 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:33,160 I think it's unfair, if many are blamed for the errors of the few. 178 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:39,240 - Hear, hear! - Glad to hear that, Frazer. It underlines my point. 179 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:41,800 You are the chief culprit. 180 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:47,960 - Me? - Yes. Whenever there's any discontent, you are at the bottom of it. 181 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:51,560 I have only one thing to say about this. 182 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:56,720 If any of you think you can run this platoon better than me, 183 00:14:56,720 --> 00:15:00,080 you're welcome to try, starting now. 184 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:05,040 - That'll take the wind out of his sails. - Yes. - Any comments? 185 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:09,640 - Yes. I have. - Yes, Frazer? 186 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,200 Give me your pips! 187 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:15,240 DROPS BATON 188 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:22,360 Naw, naw. Ye canny wheedle your way out of this with me. 189 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:24,840 There's a discrepancy. 190 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:28,640 8 yards of 4 x 2 unaccounted for. 191 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:33,600 - Well, I... - Sta-a-and tae attention while addressing an officer. 192 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:39,360 - I...may have given a little extra to some of the chaps. - Precisely. 193 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:43,760 - Hm? - Incompetence... and extravagance... 194 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,760 maybe even corruption! 195 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,600 Well, that's it. You're busted. 196 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:53,800 - Pardon? - You heard. You're busted. Get them off. 197 00:15:55,480 --> 00:16:01,280 - Get what off? - Those stripes. I want those stripes, PRIVATE Wilson. 198 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:04,160 And tell yon stout fella to come in. 199 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:07,000 - Look here, you can't... - QUIET! 200 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:13,200 You're dismissed. Right turn, quick march! Left! Right! Hey, you! 201 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:19,840 Walker! In here. Oh! At the double! 202 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,160 Everything all right, Wilson? 203 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:35,160 - Frazer has gone too far. - I'm sure you can handle him. - He busted me! 204 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:38,040 - He's what? - Reduced me to the ranks. 205 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,640 Ah. Hm. 206 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:47,880 It's a good sign, really. Give him enough rope to hang himself. 207 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:55,240 - What's he busted you for? - Some discrepancy in the store. 8 yards of 4 x 2. I ask you! 208 00:16:55,240 --> 00:17:01,560 - I've warned you too. - He was offensive. Told me to take my stripes off. 209 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:05,440 - You should do something about it. - Yes. 210 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:10,440 - I will. - Thank-you. I knew I could rely on you. 211 00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,960 Hand me those scissors, will you? 212 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:18,920 Ha (!) All these ribbons (!) 213 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:25,800 They cut no ice with me, Jones. You should know where you stand from the start. 214 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,600 You're a woolly-minded old ditherer. 215 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:33,680 - A woolly-minded old ditherer? - At least your hearing's sound. 216 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:37,680 If that's what you think, I'm resigning. 217 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:41,800 I wouldn't serve under you if the King asked me. 218 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:45,960 I'm reducing myself to the ranks as effect from now. 219 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,520 A good riddance o' bad rubbish. 220 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:54,280 Don't come to my shop for sausages. The answer will be the infirmative. 221 00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:01,680 Sorry, Wilson, you must soldier on as a private. 222 00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:07,720 I know he'll be rude to me and I cannot bear that. My heart pounds, 223 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,240 and I just have to sit down. 224 00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:16,080 - You don't sit when I'm rude. - I know but I don't take any notice of you. 225 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:19,160 - KNOCKING - Come in. 226 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:33,640 - What is it, corporal? - Well...Cap-tain Mainwaring... 227 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:37,640 - Cap...Captain Mainwaring... - Is something the matter? 228 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:41,600 Sir, you know me... I'd go through fire... 229 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:44,440 and brimstone and treacle for you. 230 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:53,160 I will not serve under a common man, sir, so after forty years, I'm resigning my non-commission. 231 00:18:56,280 --> 00:19:02,440 - Go and sit down, corporal. Playing right into our hands. - Oh, really? 232 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:06,240 Antagonising people. No-one will serve under him. 233 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,800 - KNOCKING - Come in. 234 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:12,440 - Excuse me. Uncle Private? - Oh, Frank! 235 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:16,280 - Shall I tell Mum you'll be home? - Yes. 236 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:21,600 - Captain Frazer says I can go home now with the good news. - What news? 237 00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:26,360 He says I have hidden qualities of drive, tenacity and leadership. 238 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:31,560 - So he gave me this. - Oh...oh... 239 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,640 Right! 240 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:39,840 Captain Frazer says Privates Wilson and...Jones can go home to recuperate. 241 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:42,760 Wants you here tomorrow, 6.30 SHARP! 242 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:47,600 Sir! His compliments. He wants your stick and gloves. 243 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:50,200 How dare he! 244 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:53,560 Come in, man. Come in, come in! 245 00:19:54,760 --> 00:20:01,800 - Sit ye down. Take the weight off your feet. - Thank-you. You're very kind. 246 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:09,520 Now, my dear friend, I know I've said some harsh things to you, for your own good, but no doubt they hurt. 247 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,960 I felt you never meant them unkindly. 248 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:20,400 Precisely. I'm a simple man. I speak my mind and what's in this hard old Scottish heart. 249 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:25,800 But now I'm in charge, you need have no fears. I sympathise wi' ye. 250 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:32,880 - That's very kind. - If ever you feel off colour, or it's your day for the clinic, 251 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,760 don't worry about it. 252 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:40,640 - Don't bother to come in at all. - That's very understanding. 253 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:46,320 But if you do, you'll do as the others and take the consequences. 254 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,920 So now we know where we stand. 255 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:50,960 KNOCKING Come in. 256 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,520 Oh! SQUAD 'SHUN! 257 00:20:56,640 --> 00:21:02,920 - Are you the commander? - I am indeed. - I'm Menzies. Your new area command. 258 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:06,760 I'm glad they put a Scotsman in charge. 259 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:10,680 - Where are you from? - The Isle of Barra, sir. 260 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:17,720 A wild and lonely place it is, you understand. The life is hard and so are the men. 261 00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:20,440 - That's what we need now. - Aye. 262 00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:23,640 - I might go now? - Aye, go on, go on. 263 00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:30,880 Thank-you for being so considerate... 264 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:33,400 I think. 265 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:36,720 How are things with the unit? 266 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:40,680 It's been a bad day. My sergeant's on the fiddle, 267 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:44,920 my corporal's incompetent, but, I busted them both. 268 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:47,480 Oh, I see. Can you replace them? 269 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:52,640 - It's already done. - Well, there's no worries here. - Thank-you, sir. 270 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:57,160 Oh, Captain, I don't suppose you play the pipes? 271 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,160 Indeed I do, sir. 272 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:04,840 I'm planning a wee Highland do at HQ Officers' Mess. Will you come? 273 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,400 It'll be a rare honour, sir. 274 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:12,520 Good. I'll send you an invitation. Meanwhile, carry on the good work. 275 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:16,560 - Thank-you, sir. - Good day, Captain Mainwaring. - Good day... 276 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:21,440 Mainwaring... 277 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,680 Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. 278 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,880 I'm glad Mainwaring impressed you. 279 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:35,920 I never knew he played the bagpipes. 280 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,400 He does. He told me himself. 281 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:43,240 I didn't know he was a Scot. Mainwaring's not a Scots name. 282 00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:48,120 Perhaps he was MacMainwaring and he dropped the Mac! 283 00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:50,680 Perhaps it wasn't raining? 284 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:56,440 Haven't you a comic to read, boy? 285 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:03,600 I've asked him and the unit to come over to pipe in the haggis. 286 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:05,240 It's been years! 287 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:12,840 - Precisely. Lay it on, will you? - Yes, sir. Captain Mainwaring will pipe in the haggis. 288 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:20,440 - KNOCKING - Come in. 289 00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:29,520 - The men are outside, sir, and waiting for you in rows. - I presume you mean in ranks? 290 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,120 Yes, of course, sir. Sorry. 291 00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:39,480 - How are they? - Well. All pleased to be back to normal, with you in command again. - Naturally. 292 00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:45,640 - I should think Frazer's learned his lesson, don't you? - I hope we all have. 293 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:53,680 Platoon! Platoon, 'shun! 294 00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:59,760 Stand at ease! 295 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:07,040 Well, now we're back to normal, 296 00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:12,440 I'm sure you'd like me to thank Private Frazer for his efforts. 297 00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:17,200 He knows the problems, and will be glad to be a squaddy again. 298 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:21,480 - Haud on, sir... - No talking in the ranks. - < Sir! 299 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:25,800 I'd say he made a good job of it, considering. 300 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,320 I'd like to second that! 301 00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:31,680 And I would like to unsecond it. 302 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:35,440 Still, Captain Mainwaring's better. 303 00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:40,280 - Yes, in some ways. Yes. - Captain Mainwaring is a gentleman. 304 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:45,120 - But you knew where you stood... - All right, all right! Settle down! 305 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:52,560 Anyway, it's over now and we've all benefited from the experience. 306 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:58,920 Now, out of the blue, I've had an invitation from Major-General Men-zies... 307 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,920 - Sir! 'Mingus'! - What's that, Frazer? 308 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,720 WE pronounce it 'Mingus', sir. 309 00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:09,560 Do you (?) ..from Major-General Men-zies, 310 00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:14,680 to partake in the ceremonial piping-in of the haggis. 311 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:20,160 You'll agree it's a great honour to partake in so ancient a ritual. 312 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:26,520 - That was because the General... - Silence in the ranks! - Very well, sir. 313 00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:29,120 Now... 314 00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:34,440 - I want a good turn-out. All eyes will be on us. - Aye, but, sir... 315 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:42,320 - For the last time, Frazer, stop talking! - Very well, sir. Upon your own head be it. 316 00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:48,080 KNOCKING Come in. 317 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:54,400 Escort party outside, sir. Good. Show them in. Sir. 318 00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:00,040 You may go in now, sir. 319 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:04,520 - Evening, Mainwaring. - Good evening, sir. 320 00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:10,080 Sorry we're late. Transport fault. I hope the General will forgive us. 321 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:15,720 Unfortunately, he's at the War Office, but he wants the piping to go on. 322 00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:21,280 I'll join the others now you're here. The sergeant will brief you. 323 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:25,640 - By the way, caps on, of course. - Sir. Caps on! 324 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:30,720 Now then, first... we need a bearer for this. 325 00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:35,720 - Yes... - Permission to speak, sir? - Yes? - I should like to bear that. 326 00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:41,480 I'd enjoy bearing it. I'd also consider it an honour, as well as...also. 327 00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:46,240 - It should be a sergeant, sir. - Of course it should. 328 00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:51,120 - You take it, Wilson. - Yes, I will. I'd LOVE to. How kind! 329 00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:55,280 - We need two men on the doors. - Frazer! Walker! 330 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:59,280 - Quickly! - The escort goes two abreast behind. Move! 331 00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:02,200 Move! Come along! 332 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:08,240 - Twice round the table, then present the haggis. Is that clear? - Yes. - Good. 333 00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:12,480 I go in, and when they're ready, I rap three times. 334 00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:17,560 Then the escort party advance with the haggis. Is that clear? 335 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:24,920 - Yes, thank you. - Very good, sir. - Everybody? - Is this the way to do it? - No, no, arms... 336 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:28,080 Here you are, sir. 337 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:34,080 - Your pipes. - Ah, good. I take it the Colonel will play. 338 00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:38,920 - No. You are. - I am? - Of course. That's why you're here, isn't it? 339 00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:50,840 NOW, can I speak? It was ME the General invited. ME. Because of how I handled the platoon. 340 00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:54,400 - Indeed? - Indeed. So now you're sunk. 341 00:27:54,400 --> 00:28:01,160 All you can do is let me go in at the head of MY platoon playing the pipes, 342 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:05,800 and let me take the credit I deserve. KNOCKING 343 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:13,280 There go the knocks. They're sounding your doom. Nemesis has struck. 344 00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:17,360 Get back in your place, Private Frazer. 345 00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:22,560 Man, oh, man, you're a bigger fool than I thought. 346 00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:40,200 Are you absolutely sure you're doing the right thing, sir? 347 00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:46,880 - I spent my honeymoon at a place called Invergeikie. - Oh. 348 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:51,440 - 'Tis a wild and lonely place, you understand? - Yes. 349 00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:54,000 The nights were long... 350 00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:56,960 and there was nothing else to do. 351 00:28:56,960 --> 00:29:01,920 MUSIC "A Man's A Man For A' That" 352 00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:12,680 I never doubted you could do it, sir! Not for a moment! God forgive me.