1 00:00:02,840 --> 00:00:07,240 # Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 2 00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:11,440 # If you think we're on the run? 3 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:17,360 # We are the boys who will stop your little game 4 00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:22,040 # We are the boys who will make you think again 5 00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:26,720 # Cos, who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 6 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:30,760 # If you think old England's done? 7 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:36,400 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21 8 00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:41,320 # But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun 9 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:46,240 # So, who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 10 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:50,000 # If you think old England's done? # 11 00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:02,080 - Who are you calling? - The wife. I'm going to be late. 12 00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:04,440 Sorry. Emergency calls only. 13 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:10,480 - PHONE RINGS - Hello? Frank, thanks for ringing back. 14 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:15,480 Yes. Lincoln, 3.15, Farmer's Boy. Ten bob each way. Ta-ta, Frank. 15 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:18,440 Right. What have you got then? 16 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:21,280 Not bad. Not bad at all. 17 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:27,840 - 9.45, Miss Samways was showing a light from her bathroom window. - Naughty! 18 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:30,960 AND using over 5 inches of water. 19 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:34,840 - Up to here. - I'LL investigate that! 20 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:42,480 - Anything else? - A bad one. 10.32, Church hall, uncurtained window. 60 watt bulb. The office. 21 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:46,160 Mainwaring! I've got him. I've got him! 22 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:53,720 - I'll say. Shining like a beacon for a whole hour. We had to break in to put it out. - Get your coat on! 23 00:01:53,720 --> 00:02:01,720 - Come round to the Police Station. I'll need a statement. - But anyone can... - Well done! - But... - Well done. 24 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:06,680 - I've got him! - Put that light out! > - You mind your own business. 25 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:17,200 There we are. That's it then. Corporal Jones's section is the railway siding and gasworks. 26 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,880 Good. What's that? 27 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:25,960 - By the way, Wilson. - Hmm? - Am I hurting you? - I don't think so. 28 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:29,760 I should be. I'm standing on your hair. 29 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:32,800 It's an old one, but I still laugh. 30 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:36,520 I'm trying to tell you, get a haircut! 31 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:39,800 Mrs Pike thinks I look like Eden now. 32 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:43,560 - PHONE RINGS - Answer that, Anthony. 33 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,160 Hello? Sgt Wilson here. 34 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:52,880 How very nice to hear from you. You're quite a stranger. 35 00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:56,200 Oh, yes, he's here. Oh, yes. 36 00:02:56,200 --> 00:03:00,600 - < LAUGHTER - WE understand him, you know. 37 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:05,440 - All right, who is it? - It's Captain Square, sir. - Square? 38 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,480 Hello? 39 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:11,520 - Ah! Is that you, Main-wearing? - Yes. 40 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:15,560 Well, I...em... HE CHORTLES 41 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:20,760 I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but... LAUGHING 42 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:25,400 When did you last inspect your platoon's firearms? 43 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:28,600 What's the reason for your enquiry? 44 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:35,120 Last night I bumped into a few of your chaps on patrol who looked scruffy 45 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,800 so I looked at their rifles. 46 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:43,920 - You did WHAT? - I... I've never seen anything like it in my ENTIRE service! 47 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:47,960 Some of them almost had birds' nests in them! 48 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:54,640 - How DARE you inspect my men without my permission. - Just as well I did. 49 00:03:54,640 --> 00:04:00,240 The Colonel would have had you cashiered, even though you're a civilian. 50 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:05,040 - I hope you don't mind? - I DO. Your attitude is intolerable. 51 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:10,080 - Don't take that tack! - Interfere with my men and they'll arrest you. 52 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:15,840 - I'll put the receiver down on you. - I'LL put it down on you. - You won't! 53 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:18,640 Hello, hello, hello? 54 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:24,200 - He's put the receiver down on me. - Had a little tiff? 55 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:27,160 This is YOUR fault, Wilson. 56 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:30,680 When did you last inspect the firearms? 57 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:35,840 - I gave them the once-over last week or the week before. - Slacker! 58 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,840 Slacker! And you look a shambles. 59 00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:43,880 - What? - Fasten that collar up and have a rifle inspection. 60 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:47,720 - You're not a day-tripper! - KNOCK ON DOOR 61 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:51,160 The men are fallen on parade, sir. 62 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:55,360 - Well, fall in after them, Jones. - Sir. Sir. 63 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:59,240 - Jones has done it for you again. - Right, sir. 64 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,040 Platoon, atten-shun! 65 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:07,200 Sorry, sir, you caught me on the hop, sir. 66 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:10,840 Fall in your place here. Forward ARMS! 67 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:15,160 Hup, two, three, bolt, two, three, back and butt. 68 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:18,720 Sorry, sir, what was that you said? 69 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:25,760 - For inspection, port arms! - I was just about turning, sir, then when you gave your order... 70 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,440 Port arms, right, sir. 71 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:31,640 HUP, two, three... Two, three... 72 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:34,640 Hup, two, three. Hup, hup. 73 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:41,080 - Sorry, sir, that wasn't right. Shall I start again? - Stay as you are. 74 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:48,440 It's been reported you're not keeping your rifles clean, so Sgt Wilson and I will inspect them. 75 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:53,040 Coming. Sorry, sir, but this hook thing is terribly stiff. 76 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:55,960 Because I haven't used it much. 77 00:05:55,960 --> 00:06:01,080 Probably. Fall in! At the double! Now, inspect Jones's rifle. 78 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:05,560 Very good, sir. Do you mind if I have a little peep? 79 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:12,800 Not like that! You tap the muzzle of the rifle, the man brings his gun and his foot round SO. 80 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,520 - Like that, you see? - I see, sir. 81 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:28,440 Well done, Jones. 82 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:32,840 Oh, that's awfully good, Jonesey. Very good indeed. 83 00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:39,840 - You ought to have a little look. - The British rifle has always been easy to clean. 84 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:45,000 Before the Lea-Enfield we had the Martini Henry, which was good. 85 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:50,080 - Thank you, Jones. - We had them up to the battle of Ombin-mum. 86 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:57,160 - I'm sure you did. - We were having this battle one day and this officer came from England. 87 00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:01,960 And he said, "I'm Lt ffoulkes and I spell it with two small ffs." 88 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:09,720 And the Colonel asked him if he'd like a Lea Enfield or a Martini to go into battle with. 89 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:14,520 And he said, "A Martini but not too much ice." 90 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:21,360 To enjoy that joke you've got to know a Martini is a drink enjoyed by the gentry. 91 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,800 I did know that. 92 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:29,000 - The young officer got muddled up with that and the rifle. - I know. 93 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:34,680 - He used to have it with ice - the drink not the rifle. - I KNOW. 94 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:40,280 - I like a light ale myself. - STOP talking! - Right, Walker. 95 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:46,560 Oh, yes, that's awfully good. All sparkly. Just like fairyland, sir. 96 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:50,400 What on earth's the matter with you? 97 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:54,000 Walker! What's this? Jewellery on parade? 98 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:59,240 - It's real! - See me afterwards. - I can't get you one... - That'll do. 99 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,680 There we are. 100 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:07,800 - How did you get rid of those marks there? - I left Harpic in it overnight. 101 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:13,880 - How dare you introduce foreign matter into your barrel? - It's English! 102 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:16,920 You've not heard the last of this! 103 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:20,960 - Sah! - All right. All right. Don't go mad. 104 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:25,480 The barrel looks clean enough. 105 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:32,280 - Wish I could say the same for your thumb nail. - Somebody has to grease the hearse. 106 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:39,040 Good evening. 107 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,960 What do you mean, good evening? 108 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:50,520 - Where's your rifle? - I don't carry one, I carry the Red Cross haversack. - So you do. Sorry. 109 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:55,520 - Perhaps you'd like to inspect my thermometer case? - No. 110 00:08:55,520 --> 00:09:00,840 Well, Sergeant, the rifles seem to be clean to me. 111 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:03,800 - That's him! - There's a parade on. 112 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:11,320 - I identify Captain George Mainwaring - the fat one with glasses. - I am Captain Mainwaring. 113 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,840 Go on! Give it to him! 114 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:19,520 - This is for you. - It's a blister! A blue one. A summons. 115 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:23,360 I thought there was something shady about him! 116 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:30,680 - What's the meaning of this? - A light was blazing from your window! You'll be up before the beak! 117 00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:35,760 It's obviously a mistake. I shall contact my solicitor at once. 118 00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:39,560 Mark my words, Mainwaring is for the clink. 119 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:48,880 Now, look here, you can't lose sight of the evidence. 120 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:53,840 The light was on, he's in charge, so he'll be found guilty. 121 00:09:53,840 --> 00:10:00,040 We can't let them take our captain to the stake and be pilloried. 122 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:03,440 No, it won't be as bad as that. 123 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:08,440 HE was last out. He's guilty. He should suffer! 124 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:11,600 We all left together. We're ALL guilty. 125 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:18,720 Every man has his price. Why don't we see the beak and straighten him? 126 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:21,400 You cannot bribe magistrates. 127 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:25,680 No, no, not with money, no. Scotch maybe. 128 00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:30,920 The magistrate may be a lady. All right then... knicker elastic. 129 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:35,560 You CAN'T get it! 130 00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:41,080 - Maybe there's a crooked D.A. like Warner Baxter. - Just be quiet, Frank. 131 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:46,200 - It's the only thing I've said. - Just keep quiet all the same. 132 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:52,600 - < If we say we left together they'll understand. - Right! We've got to say the same story 133 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:55,480 even if we have to PURGE ourselves. 134 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:59,520 We've got to decide what we're going to say. 135 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:05,000 If that fails, we'll rig the Grand Jury so he beats the rap. 136 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:09,520 - Is that you, Mr 'Odges? - Yes. 137 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:15,560 - Is anyone listening? - I am. - Anyone else? - This isn't the Albert Hall! 138 00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:18,640 - Don't proceed against Mainwaring. - What? 139 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:24,120 - Do what? - Don't proceed against him. - I'm not. The police are. 140 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:30,040 - I don't think he's done it. - Why? - Someone else might have switched it on. 141 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:36,080 Listen, verger, it's taken me months to nail him so keep your trap shut 142 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:42,560 or someone might mention why you keep the stirrup pump in your hall. 143 00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:49,120 - Right... - On the evening of the 7th, we paraded in the Church hall as usual. 144 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:56,600 At 9.45, we all left together and Cpt Mainwaring turned off the light in the office. 145 00:11:56,600 --> 00:12:01,960 - At 9.45... - Do try and keep up. Now, let's do it once more. 146 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:07,600 - Right. - On the evening of the 7th we paraded in the hall as usual... 147 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:10,760 - ..in the office. - Oh... 148 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:21,760 - ..and Cpt Mainwaring put the light out in the office. I got it right! - Well done, Jones. 149 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:27,960 Remember it in court 'cos they'll try and make you say things you don't mean. 150 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:31,520 I won't talk whatEVER they do to me. I won't! 151 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:36,160 - Morning, sir. - I'm touched you turned up for me. 152 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:41,600 - I have come to speak the truth. - I hope you've all come to do that. 153 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:44,800 Your solicitor hasn't arrived yet. 154 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:51,560 - I've discharged him. - Was that wise? - He wanted me to plead guilty and I won't! 155 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:57,040 - You go down fighting. - I'm not going down at all! I'm going to win! 156 00:12:57,040 --> 00:13:02,160 - Here to say farewell, are you? - Ignore him. - I am doing. 157 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:09,240 Serves you right if they give you a month. Come down off your high horse then. 158 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:16,280 - Uncle Arthur, if Mr Mainwaring is sent to jail, will Mum let us speak to him? - It won't come to that. 159 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:22,200 - She wouldn't let you speak to the share-pusher's wife. - That was different. 160 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:27,520 Now, I'm going in there and I'm going to conduct my own defence. 161 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:31,400 I shall call on you to bear witness on my behalf. 162 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:35,080 I shall tell the truth. 163 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:40,120 Good luck. I shall always have the most happy memories of you. 164 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:46,080 If you DO find yourself in the nick I can get it easy for you. 165 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:49,280 All right, Walker, thanks very much. 166 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:54,360 - You'd better come in, Wilson. - Aren't you calling me as a witness? 167 00:13:54,360 --> 00:14:01,080 - No, you're too vague. The police solicitor would make mincemeat of you. - Oh? 168 00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,880 Right, lads, once again. 169 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:07,040 ALL TOGETHER: On the evening of the 7th... 170 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:11,680 - I must see Captain Mainwaring! - He's gone into court. 171 00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:18,200 Have they sentenced him? Not yet. I may not be too late. 172 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,320 You'd better sit here, Wilson. 173 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:26,360 - Then you can hand me my speeches as I need them. - Of course, sir. 174 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:33,280 - My goodness! Have you brought sandwiches? - Facetiousness doesn't suit you, Wilson. 175 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:36,560 Oh, good morning, sir. 176 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:39,280 - Chief Clerk. - Oh, I see. 177 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:43,560 - Good morning. - I'M here to answer the summons. 178 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:47,280 Be upstanding in court. 179 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,000 The magistrates are coming in. 180 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:56,480 - So sorry. Beg your pardon. - For heaven's sake! 181 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:01,200 Oh, good lord! 182 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:05,160 - Come on, sir. - Well, give me a hand up. 183 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:09,640 Come along. That's it. Are you all right now, sir? 184 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,840 Good heavens! 185 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:18,240 Get it, quick as you can, that's it. You all right now? 186 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:21,120 Carry on, Mr Bone! 187 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,640 Captain George Mainwaring. 188 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,080 Yes, that's me. 189 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:30,120 - Are you a solicitor? - No, I'm answering the charge. 190 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:33,360 - You're the accused? - Yes. 191 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:36,320 You should be up there in the dock. 192 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,160 Up here, mate, up here! 193 00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:41,840 I apologise to the court. 194 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:58,160 - Where are you going? - The time has come. I must speak. - Sit down and shut up! 195 00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:03,080 I should draw attention to the court that the accused is known to me. 196 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:08,240 I'm sure we can rely on you not showing any favour, Captain. 197 00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:11,160 I shall show NO favour whatever! 198 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:15,960 Have you any objection to your case being heard by me? 199 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:19,000 - I'd rather... - Good! Let's proceed. 200 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:26,960 - Are you Captain George Mainwaring of 23 Lime Crescent, Walmington-on-Sea? - I am. 201 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:34,280 Of course he isn't! He's a Home Guard. He's plain Mr Main-wearing, aren't you? 202 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:37,520 - I... - Strike that. Read the charge. 203 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:42,920 You are charged under Section 23 of the Emergency Powers Act, 204 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:47,600 that on the 7th of September, 10.32 in the evening, 205 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:52,040 you showed an unobscured light in the Church hall 206 00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:57,160 - in contravention of the said Act. How do you plead? - Not guilty. 207 00:16:57,160 --> 00:17:01,160 Damn waste of time. Anybody appearing for you? 208 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:06,840 No. I shall rely on honesty and the integrity of British justice. 209 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:10,640 Will you indeed? Proceed, Mr Wintergreen. 210 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,560 I'd like to call Warden Adamson. 211 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:18,440 Call Warden Adamson. Call Warden Adamson. Warden Adamson. 212 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:23,480 What's happening, Joe? One of Hodges' wardens is in the box. 213 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:26,080 Mainwaring is done for. 214 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:29,040 I'M going to speak up for him. 215 00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,720 That's ALL he needs! 216 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:37,080 (We had to make an entrance into the hall.) 217 00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:40,440 - I couldn't hear that. - He's saying he broke in. 218 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:44,640 - Broke in? - And what about the 60 watt bulb. And speak up! 219 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:49,000 Don't butt in. HE's the witness, not you. 220 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:52,160 Kindly stop chatting to your friends. 221 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:58,000 - He keeps butting in. - I'm repeating what he's saying. - What's it to do with you? 222 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:04,240 Keep quiet! Mr Wintergreen, have you finished? Yes, thank you. 223 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:09,240 - Mr Main-wearing, have you any questions to ask the witness? - Yes. 224 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:14,280 - What are they? - I don't know. - What do you mean, you don't know? 225 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:19,000 - My papers are down there and I'm up here. - Come and get 'em! 226 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:23,720 - Tell them about the 60 watt bulb. - You've been told to be quiet! 227 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:27,640 I am quite capable of maintaining order! 228 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:31,400 Your Grace, I wish to tell... < SIT DOWN! 229 00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:40,080 Thank you. 230 00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:43,640 - Got your papers? - Yes, sir. 231 00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:49,000 Where are you going? 232 00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:53,640 - I'm going back to the dock. - Stay where you are. 233 00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:58,720 You can conduct your case from here and go to the dock for the sentence. 234 00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:00,760 Oh! 235 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:06,000 So sorry, so sorry. For the VERDICT. Slip of the tongue, you know. 236 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:17,160 Don't sprawl about the desk like that, Wilson. 237 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,880 I need room to make my gestures. 238 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,880 Carry on with your questions. 239 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:25,320 Just there, sir, you passed it. 240 00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:28,200 - There. That's it. - Ah, yes. 241 00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:32,320 Now then, Mr Adamson. 242 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:35,360 No questions, m'lord. 243 00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:37,960 Back to you, Mr Wintergreen. 244 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,840 Call the Reverend Timothy Farthing. 245 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:47,440 Call Reverend Timothy Farthing. Reverend Timothy Farthing. 246 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,480 - Who's on now, Joe? - The vicar. 247 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:55,880 Here! You'll never guess who the magistrate is. Captain Square. 248 00:19:55,880 --> 00:20:02,040 What did I tell you? Mr Mainwaring will do time. It'll be the finish of him. 249 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:05,600 No, he'll be a gentleman and unbiased. 250 00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:13,160 Just a minute, ALL gentlemen are not unbiased. Lord Kitchener was a gentleman but not unbiased. 251 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:20,360 Specially with the fuzzy-wuzzies. "Shoot them", he said. And you can't get more biased than that. 252 00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:26,520 I have the hall until 5 o'clock and then Captain Mainwaring has it till midnight. 253 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:30,320 Who is responsible for the hall at 10.30? 254 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:33,440 - Captain Mainwaring. - We got him! 255 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:37,360 Stop calling him Captain! He's a bank clerk. 256 00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:40,200 I'm not a CLERK, I'm a manager. 257 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:45,320 - It's the same thing. - It's not. - Have you any questions? - No. 258 00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:49,920 - You did plead not guilty, didn't you? - I did. 259 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:53,120 I see. Proceed, Mr Wintergreen. 260 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:56,160 Since the fact of the light showing 261 00:20:56,160 --> 00:21:03,000 and the responsibility has not been challenged, I shall call no further witnesses. 262 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:08,560 The elements of the charge seem to be proved. I quite agree. 263 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:13,560 - Are you calling any witnesses? - Yes, m'lord. - What for? 264 00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:19,280 I intend to prove that I extinguished the light 265 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:23,960 and that it was switched on again by some person unknown. 266 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:30,440 - I can't see that'll help you, but get on with it. - I call Mr Jack Jones. 267 00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:33,520 Call Mr Jack Jones. Mr Jack Jones. 268 00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:36,480 Jonesey, come on, that's you. 269 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:38,520 Yes... 270 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,640 Listen, come here. 271 00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:48,600 Remember - on the evening of the 7th, we paraded in the church hall as usual. 272 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:56,160 At 9.45, we all left together and Mr Mainwaring switched off the light in the office. 273 00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:58,200 Come on. 274 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:05,440 - Aren't you going to ask for an adjournment so you can be properly represented? - Nonsense. 275 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:13,040 - I intend to call 22 witnesses to prove I extinguished that light. - But you'll still be responsible. 276 00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:23,680 - On the evening of the 7th... - < Wait a minute! 277 00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:31,960 - You haven't taken the oath yet. Take the book in your right hand. - Thank you. 278 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:34,920 And read the words on the card. 279 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:39,400 - What card? - The card in your left hand. 280 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:45,040 I've to read the book in my right hand and swear in my left hand. 281 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:50,040 - Get on with it, Jones. - They don't half make the print small! 282 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,960 - Say after me... - After me. 283 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:56,440 < No, no, no. 284 00:22:56,440 --> 00:23:00,000 - Repeat, repeat, repeat. - Yes, sir. 285 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:03,480 I swear by Almighty God... HE REPEATS 286 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,160 that the evidence I shall GIVE 287 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:11,200 - shall be the WHOLE truth. - shall be the WHOLE truth. 288 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:16,480 - Now, get on with it. - On the evening...the evening of the 7th... 289 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:19,840 - Just a minute. - He'll tell you when. 290 00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:25,560 You are Jack Jones, butcher, of High Street, Walmington-on-Sea. 291 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:27,600 Pardon? 292 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:34,960 I said you are Jack Jones, butcher, of 19 High Street, Walmington-on-Sea. 293 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:37,720 I know I am. 294 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:40,080 So do we. Get on with it! 295 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:44,240 Tell the court what happened on that night. 296 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:49,280 - Yes. On that night... - Don't tell him, tell the court. All of us. 297 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:52,240 On...the night of the 45th... 298 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:57,360 I went out in the light and I put Captain Mainwaring out together. 299 00:23:57,360 --> 00:24:01,840 No, no, no, Jones. On the evening of the... 300 00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:08,880 I MUST object. Not only is this man leading the witness but he shouldn't even be here. 301 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:12,560 - I must apologise. Be quiet. - I'm trying to help. 302 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:17,440 - Mr Main-wearing, - I - tell people to be quiet. 303 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:21,600 It's like watching a man committing suicide. 304 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:24,400 What's happened to Joe? 305 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:28,000 He's gone out. Deserted the sinking ship. 306 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:32,600 No. He said he thought he could fix the magistrate. 307 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:37,000 Maybe he's rounding up mobsters to rub out the judge. 308 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:41,440 - I do hope not. - Joe's in the box now. 309 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:48,560 It was like this, I was walking past the hall 20 minutes after we all left and the light was off. 310 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:51,680 Then it was switched on as I passed. 311 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:56,560 Rather unexpected turn of evidence here, m'lord. 312 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:59,800 Em...at what time did this occur? 313 00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:05,000 - That's hard to say. - Why? - Let's face it, sir, I'm a crook. 314 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:08,120 I wouldn't quite put it like that. 315 00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:13,680 No. Nearly everything I do is just a little bit over the edge of the law. 316 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:18,360 On this occasion I'd been delivering black-market whisky, > 317 00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:21,720 to a secret address...nearby. 318 00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:33,760 Have you got it? Of course I have. 319 00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:38,720 Don't let anybody see you leave. 320 00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:40,600 No. 321 00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:52,080 If only I could remember the name of this geezer I gave those bottles to he could verify the truth. 322 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:56,600 Yes, yes, quite. One moment. 323 00:25:56,600 --> 00:26:01,000 An element of doubt has crept into this case. 324 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:04,040 I think we should dismiss the charge. 325 00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:10,200 On the contrary, it seems an open and shut case. So glad you agree. 326 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:14,800 Mr Main-wearing, there seems to be a confliction of stories. 327 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:19,800 - I can't stand this, I did it! - Shut up. - No. The truth must out. 328 00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:23,240 - I was doing some work. - In my office? 329 00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:27,840 Yes. You see, I'm writing my mem-ores. 330 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:31,360 - YOUR mem-ores?! - Why shouldn't I? 331 00:26:31,360 --> 00:26:34,520 Noel Coward did. 332 00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:37,400 There you are! I knew I was right. 333 00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:40,960 Case dismissed. You are free to leave 334 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:45,360 without a stain on your character, Captain MainWARING! 335 00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:49,640 I never doubted you for one second! 336 00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:54,360 It was just like that film with John Garfield. 337 00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:56,920 Thank you very much indeed, men. 338 00:26:56,920 --> 00:27:01,800 But never forget that this is what we're fighting for. 339 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:06,080 The fair play, honesty and integrity of British justice. 340 00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:56,800 Subtitles by Hazel Nairn. BBC Scotland. 1991.