# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think we're on the run?
# We are the boys who will stop your little game
# We are the boys who will make you think again
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think old England's done?
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21
# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
# So who do you think
# You are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think old England's done? #
Good morning.
- Good morning! - Good morning. - The usual coffee and biscuits, please.
The ration's been cut to one and a half biscuits each.
I'll give you extra sugar!
How very kind of you.
- We try to keep up morale. - Thank you.
- I look forward to my coffee. Don't you? - Yes. - An oasis in the turmoil of strife.
In such a setting, it's hard to believe we're at war.
Sir...
..did you have to bring that great big gun with you?
"That great big gun"?! You talk like a nancy-boy!
That 38 has never left me since it was issued. I take it everywhere!
How very inconvenient. Doesn't it get wet when you take a bath?
That's the sort of flippant remark I'd expect from you.
What would you do if a German came through that door? Go home for your rifle?
- Morning. - Morning. - Have you seen Charlie?
- Who? - The fellow who helps me. I'm meeting him. - We've seen nobody.
- Here...Captain Mainwaring? - Mmm?
- Will you do me a favour? - What? - Will you nip outside and watch out in case a copper comes? - Yes...
I beg your pardon?
I've got some things outside for Miss Fortescue.
How dare you? You expect ME, the bank manager, to act as a lookout?
I'll sneak 'em in the back, then!
I want nothing to do with your black-market activities.
I'll cancel that order of yours for whisky.
- It's not for me. - No, no. - My wife.
Medicinal, of course.
I understand, sir, of course.
- Here we are. - Thank you. - Two coffees. - How lovely. - And three Rich Tea biscuits.
- Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank YOU. - Thank you.
- I've no time for this black-market stuff, you know. - No.
- I believe in fair shares for all. - I quite agree.
So do I.
Come on, Mr Mainwaring. Here's your rifle, Uncle Arthur. Chop-chop!
- Just a minute! What's all this? - A phone call from the police.
Walker?
- No. A Nazi pilot's baled out. He's hanging from the town-hall roof! Come on! - WHAT?
Don't panic!
- There's a Nazi paratrooper dangling from the town hall! - Yes!
- He's dangling! - We KNOW! We're just going!
- I'll get my bayonet! - You don't need your bayonet! - I do! When he comes down...they don't like it! - Go on!
Your hat.
Mind out! I'm risking it.
Get your rifle and go to the town hall.
- You're shooting the mayor? - Never mind!
- We'll get Frazer. Come on. - I'm coming!
HODGES: Stand back now, come on! Do as you're told! Get 'em back!
Come on, now. Stand back! Do as you're told!
WILL you stand back? There's nothing to see!
It's only a German hanging from a parachute!
Hilfe! Hilfe!
EXCITED WHISPERING
STAND BACK! If the ropes break, he could fall on us!
Could be nasty! >
They won't break. They make strong ropes, them Germans.
< They make a lot of other things, too...
..binoculars, and cameras, and telescopes,
< and bicycles,
air-guns, sewing-machines... Very good sewing-machines.
Oh, shut up, you silly old fool!
Excuse me! Thank you. Can I get through? Sorry. Excuse me.
It's our brave lads! Give a cheer!
CROWD: HURRAY! HURRAY!
Excuse me!
Who do you think you're shoving, Napoleon? I'm in charge here!
I won't discuss it!
I've got a position of authority and you undermine it! How dare you show me up?
This helmet means something!
It means you're very boring. Go away!
Like I said, he's dangling! How we gonna undangle him?
- Yes, how? - We'll think of something.
He's in no position to do us much trouble.
A wounded jackal is most dangerous when he's cornered. Come on!
He's got no respect for my helmet whatsoever!
The Germans make good helmets. Good boots, too.
Wait for me!
- You've got to get him down! - We'll do our best, Mr Gordon.
- I - am responsible for the town hall. I cannot have a German dangling here.
What WILL the council say?
- How do we get up there? - I'll show you.
Thank you.
- This way. - That's the way up. - I see.
- But it's not very safe! - Oh! Why's that?
The staircase was burned down by a fire bomb last year.
They've put up scaffolding, but the town clerk's right it doesn't look safe.
- Where have you been? - Shopping, then I heard a commotion. Can I be of any assistance?
Sir?
I doubt it.
What have you got there?
- My sister Dolly's air cushion. It's been mended. - Couldn't they wrap it?
- No. - That's a disgrace, to make you walk about like that!
- They don't wrap things. It's the war. - Jones! - So many changes...
They could have put a bit of paper round it.
- It's a disgrace. - Jones! - Look at it! They could have wrapped it.
- They could have... - Mr Mainwaring!
- May I remind you that there's a German dangling from the roof? - I know! We're going up!
- Why bother? - What? - Put the rubber ring down below to break his fall!
Any more remarks like that and you'll leave the town hall.
Sir! I'm volunteering to shin up that ladder! Let me!
I think Frank ought to go up first. He IS the youngest.
That's not fair! I can't stand heights. I'm a martyr to vertigo.
- I'm going! - I won't let you sacrifice yourself!
Hilfe!
HI...LFE!
- Hilfe! - All right, I can hear you!
- I can hear you. I'm coming. - Hilfe! - All right!
- All right. - Bitte, mein Herr. Bitte!
It's no good trying to apologise! Now then!
- Hilfe! - Handy hup! Put your hands up!
I will, I'll get you out of here, don't worry. You stay there. Don't you move!
- Schnell! - Never mind the smell. It's nothing to do with it.
He's still here, sir.
- What shall we do? - You cover him. I'll parlay with him.
You pay attention. My captain is going to parlay you.
Further resistance is useless!
In the name of the King, I demand that you surrender.
It's not easy, is it?
- How is he? - If he's a crack Luftwaffe pilot, I'm not impressed. Looks like something the cat dragged in.
Not smart, not like our own brave RAF boys.
I wonder...
- How would you feel, dangling 150 feet up? - None of that talk!
He's in a blue funk! Pull yourself together!
Ich kann nicht verstehen.
- What's German for "pull yourself together"? - I've no idea, sir.
He's in a terrible state. You feel sorry for him. He looks awful.
- How will we get him in? - We need a pole. - Yes.
I've an idea. If we use the hand off the clock, that should do it.
Good idea! See if you can reach.
- Give him a hand, Jones. - This is vandalism. You can't desecrate the clock!
Why not? It doesn't work!
It's been ten past three since 1939!
- It's a German clock. - What's that? - Look on the dial.
That settles it. Get the hand off!
That used to be pretty. It played nursery rhymes every 15 minutes.
- And figures used to come out and round. - Typically German.
I can't reach.
- Where have you BEEN, Frank? - I had to come up slowly cos the ladders wobbled. - Oh, I see.
- He's still there? - Yes.
Is he fighting you?
Of course not, you stupid boy.
I can't bring him in. I can't reach him.
Try a wee bit further!
- Hang on! I'm not a giraffe! If only he could swing himself. - Good idea.
Swing yourself in here! Swing...
- What's German for "swing"? - No idea, sir.
- You're not contributing much! - No, sir. - TRY and take an interest!
Hey, Fritz! Swing!
Swing! You know, cha-cha-cha!
< Cha-cha-cha?!
He'll know "In the Mood". Right.
# Mister, what d'you call it what you're doing tonight?
ALL: # I hope you're in the mood because I'm feeling all right... #
- He's crying. - I'm not surprised after that terrible row. - He's an idiot.
- He doesn't understand anything. - Let's try something German.
What about Offenbach's "Tales of Hoffmann"?
- It has a lovely swing. - I'm not having German songs.
We've got to get him in somehow. Ready?
Altogether!
# La-la la-la, la-la la-la
- # La-la la-la, la-la... - Mr Mainwaring, there's a pole here. If I can cut it free, we can use it.
- # La-la la-la... # - All right! That's not getting us anywhere.
- We must get a pole from somewhere. - I've got a pole!
- Ah... No, don't take that off! No! - It's coming!
LOUD CRASHING
Oh, dear! It's broken.
Vandals! Hooligans! It took me and my men two days to rig those ladders!
How will they get down?
I don't know and I don't care! They can stay up there forever and starve! Ruining my ladders!
They didn't mean to.
You know what I'm going to do now?
I'm going to give him a piece of my mind.
He won't hear.
He will!
Because I'm going to shout loud, and when I want to shout loud, I can shout VERY LOUD INDEED!
Don't say anything you'll regret.
You silly old fool! We'll never get down now.
We're marooned! Marooned!
I'm so sorry, and I'm going to do everything you tell me to do, no matter how dangerous.
I'll make any sacrifice in order to regurgitate myself.
Hilfe! Hilfe!
HILFE!
We'll work it out. Let's get HIM in. I'm sick of him whining.
Right, sir.
I hope you stay up there forever, so I can enjoy this war in peace!
Because I DO enjoy it! I've never enjoyed anything so much in my life as being chief warden. I love it!
And YOU always spoil it!
He'll never hear you. You need a megaphone.
The Germans make good megaphones...
..loudspeakers, radios, gramophones. Very good gramophones...
Shut up, you silly old fool!
How dare you? You're a very common, rude and nasty fellow!
Don't start!
Hello, Mr Hodges. Look! He hasn't fallen.
It's not too late. We haven't missed anything.
- Pass auf! - Pull! - Pass auf!
FRAZER: You'll break his leg!
Well, he shouldn't have come!
WALKER: I've got him.
Langsam! Langsam!
You'll have to release him from the parachute.
- How? - PIKE: I know. See that buckle?
There turn it to the left, then hit it.
- I saw it in a film Googie Withers was in it. GOOGIE WITHERS! - All right! Never mind.
Sir, I should like to turn the German to the left and punch him.
- Let me! - Get on with it!
Aaah!
It won't open, sir.
- Nein! - You got to be cruel to be kind.
A turn to the left is on British parachutes. They have a left-hand thread on the continent.
Typically foreign! Turn it to the right!
Nein! Nein!
Jones is hitting the German!
Where?
Right across the gargoyles!
That's not in the Geneva Convention.
It's very near it!
More of our brave lads! Give a cheer! CROWD: HURRAY!
What's happening, Mr Godfrey? Mr Mainwaring's marooned up there!
Better get him down. Mr Hodges?
Don't ask ME to help. I won't discuss it.
- I - know how.
How, Vicar?
By using my skill. Help me carry my paraphernalia. Very well.
Gott sei Dank! Vielen Dank, mein Herr!
None of those foreign tricks. Cover him, Jones.
Watch it! Just cos I haven't got a bayonet, doesn't make any difference.
Now, I'm going to...
- I'm going to drop this note... - Yes? - ..over the side. - I see.
It won't go straight down. Do you realise that? It's bound to flutter for miles.
- Well done, Wilson. Just testing you. - Ah.
Mr Mainwaring? This'll do the trick.
Ah.
Madman! That could've killed me!
There's a message.
Right! Now I'll send HIM a message.
You could have killed someone.
- I was only using my initiative. - Look! Hodges is chalking a reply.
- What did yours say, sir? - "How will we get down?"
What does he say?
"How...will...you... get...down?"
CROWD: Ooh! Madman!
- What was the message? - None at all. I was aiming at the warden. - Good.
Clearly we'll get no help. We must use our initiative,
and...and work out our own salvation.
Captain Mainwaring, why not have each of us suggest a way down, then you pick the best?
Well...it's worth a try, I suppose. Better than nothing.
- Mr Mainwaring? - Yes?
If we got the parachute, we could float down.
- Sir? - Yes?
MUFFLED SHOUTS AND ECHOES
Oh, dear...!
If we pulled the parachute in, we could tear it into strips, and plait it,
make a long rope, then slide down it.
What are you sniggering at?
It sounds like a bit of a platitude.
- Captain Mainwaring? - Yes?
I mind the time, many, many years ago...
..on the furthest point of the Western Isles...
Two brave lighthouse-keepers were marooned.
Their stair had collapsed, and THEY were cut off.
WHISPERS: Just like us...
Well...they were up there for two long months,
and in the end they decided there was only one way to get down.
And what was that?
They dismantled the lighthouse...
..brick by brick...
That's not very sensible.
Maybe not. Don't forget, they'd been up there so long...
..well, they'd both gone quite mad...
Did you hear me? Mad...
MAD!
It's your turn, Wilson.
I'm thinking of a fairy story that my old nanny used to tell.
Yes...
A beautiful princess was locked in a tower.
She was rescued by a handsome prince. You know how he did it?
No idea.
He shot an arrow to the top of the tower. Attached to it was a piece of twine, and eventually a rope.
She pulled them all up, and the prince was able to climb up and rescue her.
There you are... Wasn't that nice?
I don't think I can take much more...
It's like a bad dream.
- Walker? Say something sensible, for heaven's sake! - Let's use this rope.
- What rope? - This rope.
There's a weight on it. If we wind it up, then put it down there, then wind it down, we can climb down it.
Well done! I saw it some time ago I was wondering who would spot it first.
- Wind it up. Come and help, Pike. - Yes, sir.
It ain't half stiff. It certainly is.
There's a brake on it. Knock it off, will you?
- Yes, righty-ho. - Give me your hand. - That'll be all right, yes.
- PIKE: Careful. - I can manage it all right.
- Now we're getting somewhere! - That's it.
BONG!
Muffle the bell! People will think it's an invasion!
- BELLS PLAY: "Pop Goes the Weasel." - Don't panic!
DON'T PANIC!
Aaagh!
- I'm out! - Careful, sir!
It's stopped! It's not supposed to do that!
- It should go round and in again. - Aaah! - Careful!
- What am I going to do? - Stay there until it chimes again.
I can't! It's a bit nefarious up here!
WALKER: Get hold of the hand, move it 15 minutes, and it should start.
- Right. - Careful, for heaven's sake.
Careful, for heaven's sake, Jonesy!
I'm going to be careful, I'm going to be...
JONES!
Careful...
- Have you got it? - Yes.
It's a bit stiff. Wait a minute.
Come on, hurry up!
- Jonesy! - All right! I'm being as quick as I can.
Aaaagh!
- Jones! - Aaagh! Aaagh!
Someone grab him!
Help! Help!
I've done it! I've done it!
Well done!
BONG!
The bell! Pike!
Damn!
- It's ruined! It cost me 8s 6d in 1911! - Time you had a new one!
- WALKER: You should be coming in now, Jonesy. - Come on.
Ow! Ow!
Ow!
- Ow! - Don't make such a fuss!
It's only a wooden sword.
I do not like it. I don't!
Come on, Jonesy. Back you come. Come on.
Mind your head.
- Get him off. Get him off, quickly! - Oh!
- PIKE: Are you all right? - Yes.
- BONG! BONG! - Do the necessary!
Be careful, for heaven's sake.
Don't you worry! I'm not making that mistake twice.
CONFUSED SHOUTS
Look at that! There used to be three...
I don't know... Aaagh!
Aaagh! It's the reaper! The reaper! The reaper!
I'm being reaped! I'm being reaped, sir!
- What shall I do? - Stay there till they go back.
- I can't! - WALKER: They're coming back.
SHOUTING
And don't go out there again!
- I didn't do it on purpose! They made me! - Pull yourself together!
I want some sensible suggestions on how to get down better than the last ones!
- And yours was the stupidest! - Really?
KERRANG!
Look at that, sir! Good heavens! Good lord, what's this?
"Attached to the arrow is a length of thread...
"..and then some twine, and attached to the twine is a rope."
Isn't that nice?
How clever! However did you think of that?
A fairy story my nanny told.
I'd heard you're an expert on fairies!