# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think we're on the run?
# We are the boys who will stop your little game
# We are the boys who will make you think again
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think old England's done?
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21.
# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun.
# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think old England's done? #
Men, during the time we've been together, we've seen dark times.
In fact, last winter, times were so dark that it was hard to see ahead.
- Was that the power cut, sir? - That'll do, Walker.
Now, we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
A very long tunnel, a very small light.
It's shining brightly for all to see.
- Mr Hodges won't like that, sir. - I'm not referring to the blackout!
I mean the war situation.
After standing alone against the Nazi hordes for...nearly two years, I'm glad to say help is at hand.
- That's very good news. Who is it? - The Americans. - Oh!
It's only taken them 2½ years.
Let's not have that sort of talk, Walker.
It's just like the westerns, where Indians surround the settlers and the US Cavalry come in just in time.
No, I wouldn't say it was quite like that!
We've done pretty well up to now,
but it's nice to have extras on the team, a second eleven!
When can we expect them, sir?
A small advance party arrives on Saturday. We must give them a hearty welcome.
- What, roll out the red carpet? - Yes. Though we won't actually have one.
I can get a roll of American cloth if that will help?
Permission to speak, sir?
We must take our American cousins to our bosoms and to our homes and fertilize with them.
Well, in a manner of speaking, yes.
I don't think Mum'll like them in the house.
In a time of war, Pike, one can't choose bedfellows.
I've a double bed I will share if necessary.
I'm not talking about bedfellows in that sense, Godfrey.
It's just as well as I might walk around in the night.
Shouldn't we show the Americans something that's typically British?
Highland Dancing! That's very British.
You could help there, Frazer, as President of the Walmington Caledonian Society.
That will be a wee bit awkward, you see, I'm the only one in it.
There used to be Jock McKay and me,
but when the subscription became 5/- he wouldn't pay, so I threw him out.
Sir, I've been struck by a thought.
In the Sudan, we'd just signed a peace treaty with the Fuzzy Wuzzys
and Kitchener decided to have a get together.
They thought they would like to have a spear throwing competition, but it got a bit difficult.
- Why? - They wanted Gen Kitchener as the target.
Anyway, we talked them out of it and us British lads lined up with our spears
and the Fuzzy Wuzzys stood behind, ready to take their turn.
I cast my spear and took a step back...
- Oh, get to the point, Jones. - I did, sir.
One of them Fuzzy Wuzzys had his spear just like that. I didn't like it.
Anyway, my point is, we could ask them to watch a darts match at the Red Lion.
- Very good idea. An evening in a typical English pub, what could be better? - Very good.
I'm not going into the realms of fantasy?
No. We'll invite them to a spear throwing...er, to a darts match
in the Red Lion on Saturday night.
- Bring the ladies. - And Shirley, you know her don't you? - Indeed!
And I'll bring my girl. She doesn't say much but she's nice.
Uncle Art...Sgt Wilson will bring my Mum, won't you?
Yes, Yes, I suppose so. Will you bring your wife, sir?
No, no, I don't think so, Wilson.
I don't think Elizabeth would do much for Anglo-American relations.
Now, what else can we think of?
Perhaps we could fix up a banner with a message of welcome.
I could get one made. What should it say?
Oh, well, er...
How about,
"Hello to our brave American allies. Go to it and you will soon be home."
All that'll go twice round the bar and across the High Street.
I'll cut it down. You don't need "brave American allies."
The Americans know they're brave. We'll call 'em Yanks.
And they'll soon find out where to go.
And they've only just come into the war.
- What've you got left, Joe? - "Yanks go home."
All right, think up a short message and don't spend more than 10/- on it.
Right, leave it to me, sir.
# My British buddy,
# We're as different as can be. #
"Hi Buddy." It's a bit brief, isn't it?
You said don't spend more than 10/-.
It's snappy, it's to the point. The Yanks like that.
Godfrey, I've got a feeling that tonight is going to be a disaster. Oh dear, I do hope not.
I must say, you look very nice, Mrs Fox.
Oh, thank you, Mr Jones.
I wanted to look my best. Americans are used to Hollywood blondes and we don't want to disappoint them.
Do you like my scent?
It's lovely.
It's Californian Poppy, I thought it would be appropriate.
- Do try and cheer up, Arthur. - I'm perfectly cheerful, Mavis.
- You don't take me out often. Make an effort. - It isn't that.
I can never get away from Mainwaring and the others.
I see him at work and then on parade.
And on our night off, we've to meet these Americans.
I'd much rather be in a nice, cosy cocktail bar, listening to a little Noel Coward playing on the piano.
I saw Noel Coward in that film, "In Which We Serve."
He's not little, he's normal sized.
- I wonder what the soldiers look like? - I've no idea.
Ivy saw them arrive at the station, didn't you?
I wish you'd ask her to speak up. I can never hear a word she says.
They're smart, they're dressed as officers.
- Even the Privates? - Even the Privates?
She says yes.
Where's Shirley? I'll give her a ring.
Thank you for making up the darts team.
I'm always eager to help Anglo-American relations.
- Have a drink? - Thank you, scotch please, large one.
Verger?
Lemon shandy, small one.
Small lemon shandy and large whisky.
Sorry, Captain, I can only let you have a single, I'm short of Scotch.
What a mercy, providence has undertaken it all.
You know the Vicar's weakness,
a double this early and God, I mean, heaven knows what'd happen.
We don't want the Americans to get the wrong impression of our clergy, do we?
Hello.
Good evening, Shirley is it?
- Yes. Where's Joe? - He's phoning you.
I'm late because I'd to put my face on. I haven't overdone it, have I?
- Er... - We don't want the Yanks to get the wrong idea about us English girls.
- Good evening, Captain Mainwaring? - Yes. - How are you?
My name is Cheeseman, see, from the Eastbourne Gazette.
- I'd like a photograph of you greeting our American allies. - Yes, excellent.
- And this is your good lady? - What?
- Your wife? - No, certainly not.
No, chance would be a fine thing!
- Well, you see... - Wilson, come over here, I want a word with you.
You see, I'm writing a series of articles for the Gazette entitled "Doughboy Meets The Tommy."
Phew, brilliant!
I thought it would be a good idea...
Well, I'll see you later Captain Mainwaring.
- I say, tip me the wink when you're ready to take the photograph. - Eh?
I want to take the glasses off. I don't want them in the picture.
I'm with you all the way, righto boy.
Wilson, when the Americans arrive, I want you to line them up and I'll say a few appropriate words.
- I trust you won't be too formal? - No, of course not.
Now, there's a Colonel in charge. How does one greet him?
- He'll probably say, "Howdy, partner, put it there." - What?
- "Howdy, partner, put it there!" - Put what, where?
- His hand, in yours. - What? - Well, you just shake hands.
- Don't be absurd. - Well, that's what you do.
An American Colonel wouldn't say, "Howdy partner, put it there."
You and Pike see too many American films.
Evening, Napoleon. Evening, Vicar.
It's nice of you to make up our darts team.
Always ready to beat the Home Guard.
- What time do we kick off? - 9 o'clock. - Why 9 o'clock?
Because it is for the Americans.
I hate blooming Yanks, loud mouthed, overbearing lot, I can't stand them.
Oi, what about some service?
WALKER: Mr Mainwaring, the Yanks are here.
Ah, right. Jones, call the men in.
- Come on, get fell in! - Informally! - Informally fall in. Informally!
- No, not you, Mrs Fox. - Oh, but I don't want to be left out.
Go and sit down, Shirl. Why? The Yanks would rather meet us.
- Sit down, please. - Have I put this lot on for nothing?
- Wilson, stand over here. - Stand over where? - Over here, come over here.
- Mr Cheeseman, when will you take the photograph? - Soon as they enter.
Come and stand here, sir. Alright?
- On behalf of the people of... - No, sir, this is the Colonel. - Oh...ah!
Howdy, partner, put it there.
- What did you say? - I told you so!
Turn your head a little more this way, Captain Mainwaring.
- I'd just like to say a few words of welcome. - Sure, go ahead. - Right.
- Get out of the way. - I'm not in the way.
You'd better put your glasses on.
I bid you welcome on behalf of the people of Walmington-On-Sea and applaud you on entering the war.
At last!
Thanks a lot. My name is Colonel Shultz.
My name's Captain Mainwaring.
- This is Sergeant Wilson. - It's awfully nice to meet you. Did you have a jolly crossing?
- Very, except for one thing. - What was that?
- Those beastly Kraut submarines fired torpedoes at us. - My dear, how awful!
Now you're here we'd like you to be our guests, so relax and make yourselves feel at home.
OK, boys, you heard the man, relax, make yourselves at home.
Perhaps you'd like to meet some of my men, Colonel.
- This is Lance Cpl Jones. - Howdy.
Very pleased to meet you, sir. I'd the honour of serving with the Americans in 1917.
- They used to call us Limeys. I expect you know why. - No, I can't say I do.
Well, in times of old on British ships, the sailors used to get all scurvy and mingy,
and the Captain got fed up of this.
He said to them all, "Listen boys,
"I'm sick of you all looking scurvy,
"I want you to drink some lime juice."
So, he made them drink lime juice in the evening.
But, there was an American on board and he refused it
and told the Captain what to do with it.
The Captain ordered him to be flogged.
As he was flogged, the Captain asked why he didn't drink his juice,
like the brave British lads.
The American said, "Ow, they're nothing but a lot of, ow, crawling limeys."
That "ow" was a noise he ejaculated while he was being flogged, sir.
- Hence, the expression, Limeys. - You don't say (!)
- I do. I just told you... - Alright!
Mavis, what on earth is going on?
The Sergeant, here, says I'm the perfect English rose.
You sure are, sister.
Now, just a minute, you haven't even been introduced.
- Listen, buddy...why don't you go take a powder? - Take a p-p-p...?
I believe you're jealous, Arthur.
Wilson.
Yes, sir, what is it?
- This is Private Frazer. - Howdy.
Noo's the day and noo's the hour.
See the front of battle lour. See proud Hitler's power.
Wha will be a traitor knave? Wha's so base as be a slave?
(SHOUTS) Wha would fill a coward's grave?
Let him turn and flee.
Well, Captain, you sure have an international unit here.
I don't know the lingo but it sounds great.
Where does this old timer come from?
Scotland. And that was nay foreign lingo.
That was a battle song by Rabbie Burns, updated by me.
- Well, what'd you know. - What indeed!
- Private Godfrey. - Good evening.
I'm sorry. My sister, Dolly, couldn't come tonight,
but she's sent you some of her upside down cakes. Gee, thanks.
You've sure got some veterans. The British Army takes them so old!
Well, of course, you see, we're not real soldiers.
What are you talking about, not real soldiers?
Well, we're not. We're Home Guards.
- What? - Part-time soldiers.
Mr Mainwaring's a Bank Manager, I'm his Chief Clerk, others keep shops and the like.
This was formed to protect the town against German parachute troops... and things.
Well, now we'll do all the defending there is around here.
You old timers relax, take it easy, huh! How kind!
- Look here... - Let's go to the bar.
- What are you talking about? - Well...
'Ere, Colonel, come here, listen.
If you need anything, razors, petrol coupons, let me know.
We don't need a thing. We brought it all over with us.
Blimey!
Joe, do something quick. Look at them Yanks with our girls.
Fancy you being a real cowboy!
I bet some of you are film stars.
I do like these American boys, they're so nice and clean cut.
Oh...
and ever so generous.
Joe, come and look at his medals.
He's got one for sharp shooting and that one for good conduct... not too good, I hope!
Just a minute, just a minute!
Mrs Fox, you should be ashamed, you're old enough to be his mother.
Well, if it comes to that, you're old enough to be my father.
- What are we going to do? - Search me.
They won't buy anything, they've pinched our girls,
this war's taken a very nasty turn.
Let's go and have a drink.
Ivy...Ivy, you're supposed to be with me.
- (Go away). - Pardon?
Mum...MUM!
Whatever's the matter, Frank?
He's got his arm round Ivy and he won't take it away. Make him take it away, Mum, make him.
Don't be so silly, Frank.
I shall never speak to you again.
Now, Colonel,
there, try some real old English beer.
Captain.
Thanks. Well, bottoms up.
My God, it's warm!
I bet you've never tasted the like.
Warm? Feels quite cool to me.
It tastes like it's from a faucet.
You don't have force it. Just turn the tap on and it pours.
Are you having me on, kid? Having you on what?
- Something else, sir? - OK, I'll have a highball.
Give this gentleman a...
- ..highball. Have you got a highball? - Highball? What's that?
Scotch on the rocks. Sorry, no scotch.
What sort of a joint is this? Is this your English hospitality?
We've been at war for 2½ years, things are in short supply.
What do you mean by that remark?
Nothing really.
Hello. I met your lot in France, in 1917, under General Perishing.
You mean General Pershing.
Well, I knew it was some perishing general.
You notice I said 1917 (!) As we all know, the war started in 1914.
Now you're going to win this one. Better late than never (!)
The war's only been on 2½ years. It's an improvement on last time.
Captain.
What did you say, Buster? You're improving, waiting 2½ years!
Hold it.
Sir, I assure you, it was not our fault.
The American went to hit Hodges, he dodged and I got hit.
My men were in no way to blame.
COLONEL: Yes, but still, a photograph of you brawling is in every newspaper.
German propaganda will have a field day.
The Americans are here and there's a fight.
We're going to nip it in the bud.
- What do you want me to do? - I'm sending the reporter over.
Invite the Colonel over and publicly apologise. I want a photograph of you shaking hands for the papers.
You want me to be the scapegoat, sir?
I'm afraid so, it's a penalty of wearing pips on your shoulders.
You sometimes have to take the can. Now, see to it!
Very well, sir.
Awfully good spread, isn't it, sir?
It's terrible, I'll never live it down.
It's a nice one of me, isn't it? Would they send me some prints?
Oh, I don't know.
- Permission for you to see us, sir? - Yes, Jones.
We'd all like to apologise for last night, sir, but to assure you it was not our fault.
Well, I know that, Jones, and GHQ knows it.
However, I've to make a public apology.
You're to be made the scrapecoach?
Yes, but even...even if I do have to make a public apology,
I intend to see that GHQ realises it is no responsibility of ours.
I'm going to write a report to clear us of all blame.
Tell me, in your own words, exactly what happened. Sergeant?
Well, sir, when the fight started I thought I would get out of the way, so I dived under the table.
After he thumped an American!
What?
I only gave him a couple of taps. He'd been getting on my nerves, he was too familiar with Mrs Pike.
Mum was furious. She locked him out and he had to sleep in the shed.
What about you, Jones? That's a nasty bump on your head,
- which American did that? - None, sir, it was Mrs Fox. - Mrs Fox?
- She didn't like my attitude to a Yank. - Why?
I banged his head on the floor.
- I had him in a deadly, Dervish death grip. - All right!
Frazer?
I just gave this fellow a wee bit of a push.
No more, mind you, no more. A wee bit of a push.
He knocked a whisky out of my hand, a true Scot won't stand for that!
It was unfortunate that he collided with a bottle that Joe was holding.
Yes, well, I can explain that, sir.
I thought I would calm things down with a sing-song.
I was conducting away, but I had a bottle in each hand!
What about you, Pike? I'm sure you weren't violent.
I must confess, I was, I lost my temper.
Those Americans kept clinging to my Ivy.
Mum wouldn't help, so I decided to stand up for myself and be a man!
What did you do?
I walked up to him and went thr..rr..p.
- Then he chased me until Mr Godfrey hit him with a chair. - Godfrey?
Well, sir, he'd trodden on my sister Dolly's upside down cakes.
I think we'd better let sleeping dogs lie.
Sorry to crash in on you like this, fellas.
Relax, Captain, I want to apologise for last night.
I didn't realise what you'd been through - bombs and food shortages - so I've brought some scotch.
- That's awfully generous. - Oh, forget it.
I'll apologise to your men and he'll take a photo.
Hello again, Captain Mainwaring, bach.
Actually, I was just about to apologise to you.
No, I can't let you do that.
As you British say, it wouldn't be cricket.
So, could you get your men together?
If you insist. Call the men, Jones.
- Come this way, sir. - Right behind you, old timer.
- I'll give you £2 for the whisky. - No... Get on parade.
- I rather like the look of that whisky, sir. - Yes! - ..Oh!
- He's rather nice, Colonel Shultz. - Just a minute, Wilson,
- isn't Shultz a German name? - That's right, it is.
- Why's he in the American army? - Lots of Americans have German names.
Really! The whole thing's got out of hand.
We were better on our own. At least we knew who was who and what was what.
Come on, get fell in, in order now.
- Don't worry about that, old timer, gather round informally. - Very well.
In an informal group, round the Colonel, at the double, gather!
I just want to say sorry about last night
and I've brought you some candy.
Help me give them out, Captain.
My men aren't here as they're fixing up the mess for a Ladies Night.
Ladies Night, that reminds me.
- Frank, did you notice your mother was wearing her party frock at tea-time? - Yes I did, Uncle.
I thought it was funny, just to make toast in.
When I asked Ivy to meet me after the parade, she made an excuse.
I knew she was lying, I could hear every word!
Shirley told me she couldn't come out because her hair was a mess,
now I know which mess!
Yoo hoo, Colonel, I'm all ready.
I'll be right with you, honey. You just wait outside in that jeep.
Get ready for the photo, gentlemen.
Excuse me, in the last war, was it only the 10% on the money it lent us, that America charged us for?
Now, what was that, old timer?
Hold it!
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