1
00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:08,360
# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

2
00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:12,600
# If you think we're on the run?

3
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:18,120
# We are the boys who will stop your little game

4
00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:22,880
# We are the boys who will make you think again

5
00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:27,760
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

6
00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:32,560
# If you think old England's done?

7
00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:37,080
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21.

8
00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:41,600
# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun.

9
00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:47,080
# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

10
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:51,520
# If you think old England's done? #

11
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:59,880
Men, during the time we've been together, we've seen dark times.

12
00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:06,480
In fact, last winter, times were so dark that it was hard to see ahead.

13
00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:10,840
- Was that the power cut, sir?
- That'll do, Walker.

14
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:15,400
Now, we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

15
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:18,640
A very long tunnel, a very small light.

16
00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:22,320
It's shining brightly for all to see.

17
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:27,560
- Mr Hodges won't like that, sir.
- I'm not referring to the blackout!

18
00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:31,600
I mean the war situation.

19
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:40,200
After standing alone against the Nazi hordes for...nearly two years, I'm glad to say help is at hand.

20
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:44,560
- That's very good news. Who is it?
- The Americans.
- Oh!

21
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:47,480
It's only taken them 2½ years.

22
00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:51,160
Let's not have that sort of talk, Walker.

23
00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:58,840
It's just like the westerns, where Indians surround the settlers and the US Cavalry come in just in time.

24
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:04,560
No, I wouldn't say it was quite like that!

25
00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:07,640
We've done pretty well up to now,

26
00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:12,440
but it's nice to have extras on the team, a second eleven!

27
00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:15,120
When can we expect them, sir?

28
00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:21,280
A small advance party arrives on Saturday. We must give them a hearty welcome.

29
00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:27,320
- What, roll out the red carpet?
- Yes. Though we won't actually have one.

30
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:31,600
I can get a roll of American cloth if that will help?

31
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:34,120
Permission to speak, sir?

32
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:41,040
We must take our American cousins to our bosoms and to our homes and fertilize with them.

33
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:48,640
Well, in a manner of speaking, yes.

34
00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:52,240
I don't think Mum'll like them in the house.

35
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:56,200
In a time of war, Pike, one can't choose bedfellows.

36
00:02:56,200 --> 00:03:00,440
I've a double bed I will share if necessary.

37
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:05,520
I'm not talking about bedfellows in that sense, Godfrey.

38
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:10,400
It's just as well as I might walk around in the night.

39
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:16,080
Shouldn't we show the Americans something that's typically British?

40
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:19,360
Highland Dancing! That's very British.

41
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:25,480
You could help there, Frazer, as President of the Walmington Caledonian Society.

42
00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:32,000
That will be a wee bit awkward, you see, I'm the only one in it.

43
00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:36,600
There used to be Jock McKay and me,

44
00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:42,680
but when the subscription became 5/- he wouldn't pay, so I threw him out.

45
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,080
Sir, I've been struck by a thought.

46
00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:53,120
In the Sudan, we'd just signed a peace treaty with the Fuzzy Wuzzys

47
00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:56,600
and Kitchener decided to have a get together.

48
00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:04,120
They thought they would like to have a spear throwing competition, but it got a bit difficult.

49
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:07,560
- Why?
- They wanted Gen Kitchener as the target.

50
00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:13,600
Anyway, we talked them out of it and us British lads lined up with our spears

51
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:18,760
and the Fuzzy Wuzzys stood behind, ready to take their turn.

52
00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:22,400
I cast my spear and took a step back...

53
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,960
- Oh, get to the point, Jones.
- I did, sir.

54
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:32,400
One of them Fuzzy Wuzzys had his spear just like that. I didn't like it.

55
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:38,840
Anyway, my point is, we could ask them to watch a darts match at the Red Lion.

56
00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:46,360
- Very good idea. An evening in a typical English pub, what could be better?
- Very good.

57
00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:50,000
I'm not going into the realms of fantasy?

58
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:55,040
No. We'll invite them to a spear throwing...er, to a darts match

59
00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:57,560
in the Red Lion on Saturday night.

60
00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:03,240
- Bring the ladies.
- And Shirley, you know her don't you?
- Indeed!

61
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:07,800
And I'll bring my girl. She doesn't say much but she's nice.

62
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:11,560
Uncle Art...Sgt Wilson will bring my Mum, won't you?

63
00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:15,960
Yes, Yes, I suppose so. Will you bring your wife, sir?

64
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:19,440
No, no, I don't think so, Wilson.

65
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:24,480
I don't think Elizabeth would do much for Anglo-American relations.

66
00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:27,840
Now, what else can we think of?

67
00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:32,560
Perhaps we could fix up a banner with a message of welcome.

68
00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,520
I could get one made. What should it say?

69
00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:38,120
Oh, well, er...

70
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,680
How about,

71
00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:47,880
"Hello to our brave American allies. Go to it and you will soon be home."

72
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:53,400
All that'll go twice round the bar and across the High Street.

73
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:57,960
I'll cut it down. You don't need "brave American allies."

74
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:02,000
The Americans know they're brave. We'll call 'em Yanks.

75
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:05,520
And they'll soon find out where to go.

76
00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:09,560
And they've only just come into the war.

77
00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:13,400
- What've you got left, Joe?
- "Yanks go home."

78
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:23,000
All right, think up a short message and don't spend more than 10/- on it.

79
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,520
Right, leave it to me, sir.

80
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:27,960
# My British buddy,

81
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:32,240
# We're as different as can be. #

82
00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:36,280
"Hi Buddy." It's a bit brief, isn't it?

83
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:38,840
You said don't spend more than 10/-.

84
00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:42,800
It's snappy, it's to the point. The Yanks like that.

85
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:50,440
Godfrey, I've got a feeling that tonight is going to be a disaster. Oh dear, I do hope not.

86
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:54,280
I must say, you look very nice, Mrs Fox.

87
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,840
Oh, thank you, Mr Jones.

88
00:06:56,840 --> 00:07:05,640
I wanted to look my best. Americans are used to Hollywood blondes and we don't want to disappoint them.

89
00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:08,240
Do you like my scent?

90
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:12,920
It's lovely.

91
00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:17,880
It's Californian Poppy, I thought it would be appropriate.

92
00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:23,240
- Do try and cheer up, Arthur.
- I'm perfectly cheerful, Mavis.

93
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:28,040
- You don't take me out often. Make an effort.
- It isn't that.

94
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:32,720
I can never get away from Mainwaring and the others.

95
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:36,440
I see him at work and then on parade.

96
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:41,000
And on our night off, we've to meet these Americans.

97
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:48,320
I'd much rather be in a nice, cosy cocktail bar, listening to a little Noel Coward playing on the piano.

98
00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:52,320
I saw Noel Coward in that film, "In Which We Serve."

99
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,880
He's not little, he's normal sized.

100
00:07:56,440 --> 00:08:00,840
- I wonder what the soldiers look like?
- I've no idea.

101
00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:05,360
Ivy saw them arrive at the station, didn't you?

102
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:11,360
I wish you'd ask her to speak up. I can never hear a word she says.

103
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,960
They're smart, they're dressed as officers.

104
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:20,000
- Even the Privates?
- Even the Privates?

105
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:24,720
She says yes.

106
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:30,640
Where's Shirley? I'll give her a ring.

107
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:35,760
Thank you for making up the darts team.

108
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:40,000
I'm always eager to help Anglo-American relations.

109
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:43,960
- Have a drink?
- Thank you, scotch please, large one.

110
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,040
Verger?

111
00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:50,640
Lemon shandy, small one.

112
00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:53,640
Small lemon shandy and large whisky.

113
00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:59,040
Sorry, Captain, I can only let you have a single, I'm short of Scotch.

114
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:02,840
What a mercy, providence has undertaken it all.

115
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:05,360
You know the Vicar's weakness,

116
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:10,920
a double this early and God, I mean, heaven knows what'd happen.

117
00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:17,520
We don't want the Americans to get the wrong impression of our clergy, do we?

118
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,000
Hello.

119
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,480
Good evening, Shirley is it?

120
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:30,320
- Yes. Where's Joe?
- He's phoning you.

121
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:35,360
I'm late because I'd to put my face on. I haven't overdone it, have I?

122
00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:41,920
- Er...
- We don't want the Yanks to get the wrong idea about us English girls.

123
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:47,400
- Good evening, Captain Mainwaring?
- Yes.
- How are you?

124
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:52,040
My name is Cheeseman, see, from the Eastbourne Gazette.

125
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:58,920
- I'd like a photograph of you greeting our American allies.
- Yes, excellent.

126
00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:01,440
- And this is your good lady?
- What?

127
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:04,120
- Your wife?
- No, certainly not.

128
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,680
No, chance would be a fine thing!

129
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:14,200
- Well, you see...
- Wilson, come over here, I want a word with you.

130
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:21,240
You see, I'm writing a series of articles for the Gazette entitled "Doughboy Meets The Tommy."

131
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,800
Phew, brilliant!

132
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,320
I thought it would be a good idea...

133
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:30,360
Well, I'll see you later Captain Mainwaring.

134
00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:36,120
- I say, tip me the wink when you're ready to take the photograph.
- Eh?

135
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:42,080
I want to take the glasses off. I don't want them in the picture.

136
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:45,200
I'm with you all the way, righto boy.

137
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:54,360
Wilson, when the Americans arrive, I want you to line them up and I'll say a few appropriate words.

138
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:58,520
- I trust you won't be too formal?
- No, of course not.

139
00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:02,520
Now, there's a Colonel in charge. How does one greet him?

140
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:08,480
- He'll probably say, "Howdy, partner, put it there."
- What?

141
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:11,400
- "Howdy, partner, put it there!"
- Put what, where?

142
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:17,720
- His hand, in yours.
- What?
- Well, you just shake hands.

143
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:21,800
- Don't be absurd.
- Well, that's what you do.

144
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:26,800
An American Colonel wouldn't say, "Howdy partner, put it there."

145
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:30,360
You and Pike see too many American films.

146
00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:34,440
Evening, Napoleon. Evening, Vicar.

147
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,760
It's nice of you to make up our darts team.

148
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:40,280
Always ready to beat the Home Guard.

149
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:44,840
- What time do we kick off?
- 9 o'clock.
- Why 9 o'clock?

150
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,560
Because it is for the Americans.

151
00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:53,480
I hate blooming Yanks, loud mouthed, overbearing lot, I can't stand them.

152
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:56,040
Oi, what about some service?

153
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:59,080
WALKER: Mr Mainwaring, the Yanks are here.

154
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:02,280
Ah, right. Jones, call the men in.

155
00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:08,160
- Come on, get fell in!
- Informally!
- Informally fall in. Informally!

156
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:12,560
- No, not you, Mrs Fox.
- Oh, but I don't want to be left out.

157
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:18,080
Go and sit down, Shirl. Why? The Yanks would rather meet us.

158
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:22,160
- Sit down, please.
- Have I put this lot on for nothing?

159
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:28,080
- Wilson, stand over here.
- Stand over where?
- Over here, come over here.

160
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:33,880
- Mr Cheeseman, when will you take the photograph?
- Soon as they enter.

161
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:39,280
Come and stand here, sir. Alright?

162
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:50,520
- On behalf of the people of...
- No, sir, this is the Colonel.
- Oh...ah!

163
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:53,040
Howdy, partner, put it there.

164
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,760
- What did you say?
- I told you so!

165
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:03,240
Turn your head a little more this way, Captain Mainwaring.

166
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:08,280
- I'd just like to say a few words of welcome.
- Sure, go ahead.
- Right.

167
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:12,320
- Get out of the way.
- I'm not in the way.

168
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:15,080
You'd better put your glasses on.

169
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:24,080
I bid you welcome on behalf of the people of Walmington-On-Sea and applaud you on entering the war.

170
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,600
At last!

171
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:30,440
Thanks a lot. My name is Colonel Shultz.

172
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:33,160
My name's Captain Mainwaring.

173
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:40,200
- This is Sergeant Wilson.
- It's awfully nice to meet you. Did you have a jolly crossing?

174
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:44,080
- Very, except for one thing.
- What was that?

175
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:49,160
- Those beastly Kraut submarines fired torpedoes at us.
- My dear, how awful!

176
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:57,360
Now you're here we'd like you to be our guests, so relax and make yourselves feel at home.

177
00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:02,400
OK, boys, you heard the man, relax, make yourselves at home.

178
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:19,520
Perhaps you'd like to meet some of my men, Colonel.

179
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:22,080
- This is Lance Cpl Jones.
- Howdy.

180
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:29,120
Very pleased to meet you, sir. I'd the honour of serving with the Americans in 1917.

181
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:36,160
- They used to call us Limeys. I expect you know why.
- No, I can't say I do.

182
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:43,160
Well, in times of old on British ships, the sailors used to get all scurvy and mingy,

183
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,720
and the Captain got fed up of this.

184
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:49,080
He said to them all, "Listen boys,

185
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:52,640
"I'm sick of you all looking scurvy,

186
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:56,560
"I want you to drink some lime juice."

187
00:14:56,560 --> 00:15:01,080
So, he made them drink lime juice in the evening.

188
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:05,280
But, there was an American on board and he refused it

189
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:08,960
and told the Captain what to do with it.

190
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:12,160
The Captain ordered him to be flogged.

191
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:19,280
As he was flogged, the Captain asked why he didn't drink his juice,

192
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:21,840
like the brave British lads.

193
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:29,040
The American said, "Ow, they're nothing but a lot of, ow, crawling limeys."

194
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:35,080
That "ow" was a noise he ejaculated while he was being flogged, sir.

195
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:39,320
- Hence, the expression, Limeys.
- You don't say (!)

196
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:43,160
- I do. I just told you...
- Alright!

197
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:46,520
Mavis, what on earth is going on?

198
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:51,560
The Sergeant, here, says I'm the perfect English rose.

199
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:54,320
You sure are, sister.

200
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:58,200
Now, just a minute, you haven't even been introduced.

201
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:04,120
- Listen, buddy...why don't you go take a powder?
- Take a p-p-p...?

202
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,640
I believe you're jealous, Arthur.

203
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,600
Wilson.

204
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:11,120
Yes, sir, what is it?

205
00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:14,400
- This is Private Frazer.
- Howdy.

206
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,720
Noo's the day and noo's the hour.

207
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:23,800
See the front of battle lour. See proud Hitler's power.

208
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:28,560
Wha will be a traitor knave? Wha's so base as be a slave?

209
00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:31,240
(SHOUTS) Wha would fill a coward's grave?

210
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,800
Let him turn and flee.

211
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:43,640
Well, Captain, you sure have an international unit here.

212
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:47,360
I don't know the lingo but it sounds great.

213
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:50,480
Where does this old timer come from?

214
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:54,040
Scotland. And that was nay foreign lingo.

215
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:59,120
That was a battle song by Rabbie Burns, updated by me.

216
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:03,160
- Well, what'd you know.
- What indeed!

217
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:06,240
- Private Godfrey.
- Good evening.

218
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:10,200
I'm sorry. My sister, Dolly, couldn't come tonight,

219
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:15,840
but she's sent you some of her upside down cakes. Gee, thanks.

220
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:20,840
You've sure got some veterans. The British Army takes them so old!

221
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:25,200
Well, of course, you see, we're not real soldiers.

222
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:28,840
What are you talking about, not real soldiers?

223
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:31,680
Well, we're not. We're Home Guards.

224
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,200
- What?
- Part-time soldiers.

225
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:41,200
Mr Mainwaring's a Bank Manager, I'm his Chief Clerk, others keep shops and the like.

226
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:48,240
This was formed to protect the town against German parachute troops... and things.

227
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:52,800
Well, now we'll do all the defending there is around here.

228
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:58,200
You old timers relax, take it easy, huh! How kind!

229
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,960
- Look here...
- Let's go to the bar.

230
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,880
- What are you talking about?
- Well...

231
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:06,400
'Ere, Colonel, come here, listen.

232
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:10,680
If you need anything, razors, petrol coupons, let me know.

233
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:15,200
We don't need a thing. We brought it all over with us.

234
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,240
Blimey!

235
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:22,640
Joe, do something quick. Look at them Yanks with our girls.

236
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:25,720
Fancy you being a real cowboy!

237
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,240
I bet some of you are film stars.

238
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:33,640
I do like these American boys, they're so nice and clean cut.

239
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:35,680
Oh...

240
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:38,200
and ever so generous.

241
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,760
Joe, come and look at his medals.

242
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:47,360
He's got one for sharp shooting and that one for good conduct... not too good, I hope!

243
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,920
Just a minute, just a minute!

244
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:54,960
Mrs Fox, you should be ashamed, you're old enough to be his mother.

245
00:18:54,960 --> 00:19:00,600
Well, if it comes to that, you're old enough to be my father.

246
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:05,400
- What are we going to do?
- Search me.

247
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:09,000
They won't buy anything, they've pinched our girls,

248
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,680
this war's taken a very nasty turn.

249
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:14,200
Let's go and have a drink.

250
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:22,440
Ivy...Ivy, you're supposed to be with me.

251
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:24,440
- (Go away).
- Pardon?

252
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,880
Mum...MUM!

253
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:36,440
Whatever's the matter, Frank?

254
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:43,960
He's got his arm round Ivy and he won't take it away. Make him take it away, Mum, make him.

255
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,480
Don't be so silly, Frank.

256
00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:51,120
I shall never speak to you again.

257
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:53,640
Now, Colonel,

258
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:57,360
there, try some real old English beer.

259
00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:59,440
Captain.

260
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:02,000
Thanks. Well, bottoms up.

261
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:07,640
My God, it's warm!

262
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,360
I bet you've never tasted the like.

263
00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:13,040
Warm? Feels quite cool to me.

264
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:15,920
It tastes like it's from a faucet.

265
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:21,240
You don't have force it. Just turn the tap on and it pours.

266
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:25,760
Are you having me on, kid? Having you on what?

267
00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:29,800
- Something else, sir?
- OK, I'll have a highball.

268
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:33,560
Give this gentleman a...

269
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:40,160
- ..highball. Have you got a highball?
- Highball? What's that?

270
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:43,400
Scotch on the rocks. Sorry, no scotch.

271
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:49,520
What sort of a joint is this? Is this your English hospitality?

272
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:54,360
We've been at war for 2½ years, things are in short supply.

273
00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,920
What do you mean by that remark?

274
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:59,440
Nothing really.

275
00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:04,880
Hello. I met your lot in France, in 1917, under General Perishing.

276
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:07,400
You mean General Pershing.

277
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,960
Well, I knew it was some perishing general.

278
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:18,400
You notice I said 1917 (!) As we all know, the war started in 1914.

279
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:22,920
Now you're going to win this one. Better late than never (!)

280
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:27,840
The war's only been on 2½ years. It's an improvement on last time.

281
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:29,880
Captain.

282
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:34,960
What did you say, Buster? You're improving, waiting 2½ years!

283
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,280
Hold it.

284
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:40,760
Sir, I assure you, it was not our fault.

285
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:45,280
The American went to hit Hodges, he dodged and I got hit.

286
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:47,840
My men were in no way to blame.

287
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:54,320
COLONEL: Yes, but still, a photograph of you brawling is in every newspaper.

288
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:58,360
German propaganda will have a field day.

289
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:01,360
The Americans are here and there's a fight.

290
00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:04,520
We're going to nip it in the bud.

291
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:09,560
- What do you want me to do?
- I'm sending the reporter over.

292
00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:17,040
Invite the Colonel over and publicly apologise. I want a photograph of you shaking hands for the papers.

293
00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:20,040
You want me to be the scapegoat, sir?

294
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:25,080
I'm afraid so, it's a penalty of wearing pips on your shoulders.

295
00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:29,240
You sometimes have to take the can. Now, see to it!

296
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:32,000
Very well, sir.

297
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:35,040
Awfully good spread, isn't it, sir?

298
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:38,080
It's terrible, I'll never live it down.

299
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:43,080
It's a nice one of me, isn't it? Would they send me some prints?

300
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:45,480
Oh, I don't know.

301
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:50,640
- Permission for you to see us, sir?
- Yes, Jones.

302
00:22:54,000 --> 00:23:01,040
We'd all like to apologise for last night, sir, but to assure you it was not our fault.

303
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:04,960
Well, I know that, Jones, and GHQ knows it.

304
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:08,000
However, I've to make a public apology.

305
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,720
You're to be made the scrapecoach?

306
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:16,320
Yes, but even...even if I do have to make a public apology,

307
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:22,160
I intend to see that GHQ realises it is no responsibility of ours.

308
00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:26,200
I'm going to write a report to clear us of all blame.

309
00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:30,720
Tell me, in your own words, exactly what happened. Sergeant?

310
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:38,280
Well, sir, when the fight started I thought I would get out of the way, so I dived under the table.

311
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:40,920
After he thumped an American!

312
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,960
What?

313
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:50,280
I only gave him a couple of taps. He'd been getting on my nerves, he was too familiar with Mrs Pike.

314
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:56,160
Mum was furious. She locked him out and he had to sleep in the shed.

315
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:03,880
What about you, Jones? That's a nasty bump on your head,

316
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:09,440
- which American did that?
- None, sir, it was Mrs Fox.
- Mrs Fox?

317
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:13,520
- She didn't like my attitude to a Yank.
- Why?

318
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:16,040
I banged his head on the floor.

319
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:20,680
- I had him in a deadly, Dervish death grip.
- All right!

320
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:24,240
Frazer?

321
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:27,760
I just gave this fellow a wee bit of a push.

322
00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:32,280
No more, mind you, no more. A wee bit of a push.

323
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:37,280
He knocked a whisky out of my hand, a true Scot won't stand for that!

324
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:42,680
It was unfortunate that he collided with a bottle that Joe was holding.

325
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:45,200
Yes, well, I can explain that, sir.

326
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:49,320
I thought I would calm things down with a sing-song.

327
00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:54,000
I was conducting away, but I had a bottle in each hand!

328
00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:01,960
What about you, Pike? I'm sure you weren't violent.

329
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:05,320
I must confess, I was, I lost my temper.

330
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:09,680
Those Americans kept clinging to my Ivy.

331
00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:18,240
Mum wouldn't help, so I decided to stand up for myself and be a man!

332
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,200
What did you do?

333
00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:24,880
I walked up to him and went thr..rr..p.

334
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:34,440
- Then he chased me until Mr Godfrey hit him with a chair.
- Godfrey?

335
00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:39,600
Well, sir, he'd trodden on my sister Dolly's upside down cakes.

336
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:43,800
I think we'd better let sleeping dogs lie.

337
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:47,000
Sorry to crash in on you like this, fellas.

338
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:51,080
Relax, Captain, I want to apologise for last night.

339
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:59,160
I didn't realise what you'd been through - bombs and food shortages - so I've brought some scotch.

340
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:02,400
- That's awfully generous.
- Oh, forget it.

341
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:06,480
I'll apologise to your men and he'll take a photo.

342
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:10,600
Hello again, Captain Mainwaring, bach.

343
00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:18,440
Actually, I was just about to apologise to you.

344
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:21,320
No, I can't let you do that.

345
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:25,240
As you British say, it wouldn't be cricket.

346
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:28,720
So, could you get your men together?

347
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:31,440
If you insist. Call the men, Jones.

348
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:35,480
- Come this way, sir.
- Right behind you, old timer.

349
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:40,360
- I'll give you £2 for the whisky.
- No... Get on parade.

350
00:26:40,360 --> 00:26:45,400
- I rather like the look of that whisky, sir.
- Yes!
- ..Oh!

351
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:50,440
- He's rather nice, Colonel Shultz.
- Just a minute, Wilson,

352
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:54,600
- isn't Shultz a German name?
- That's right, it is.

353
00:26:54,600 --> 00:27:00,120
- Why's he in the American army?
- Lots of Americans have German names.

354
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:03,680
Really! The whole thing's got out of hand.

355
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:10,200
We were better on our own. At least we knew who was who and what was what.

356
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,200
Come on, get fell in, in order now.

357
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:19,240
- Don't worry about that, old timer, gather round informally.
- Very well.

358
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:25,200
In an informal group, round the Colonel, at the double, gather!

359
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:29,760
I just want to say sorry about last night

360
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:32,280
and I've brought you some candy.

361
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:35,320
Help me give them out, Captain.

362
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:40,920
My men aren't here as they're fixing up the mess for a Ladies Night.

363
00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:43,840
Ladies Night, that reminds me.

364
00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:51,200
- Frank, did you notice your mother was wearing her party frock at tea-time?
- Yes I did, Uncle.

365
00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:55,520
I thought it was funny, just to make toast in.

366
00:27:55,520 --> 00:28:00,480
When I asked Ivy to meet me after the parade, she made an excuse.

367
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:04,520
I knew she was lying, I could hear every word!

368
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:09,120
Shirley told me she couldn't come out because her hair was a mess,

369
00:28:09,120 --> 00:28:11,720
now I know which mess!

370
00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:16,240
Yoo hoo, Colonel, I'm all ready.

371
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:22,120
I'll be right with you, honey. You just wait outside in that jeep.

372
00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:25,000
Get ready for the photo, gentlemen.

373
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:33,280
Excuse me, in the last war, was it only the 10% on the money it lent us, that America charged us for?

374
00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:35,880
Now, what was that, old timer?

375
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,920
Hold it!

376
00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:37,560
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