1
00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:07,920
# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

2
00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:12,760
# If you think we're on the run?

3
00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:17,800
# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

4
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:22,520
# We are the boys who will make you think again,

5
00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:27,440
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

6
00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:32,400
# If you think old England's done?

7
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:36,880
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,

8
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:42,040
# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun.

9
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:47,080
# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

10
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:51,760
# If you think old England's done? #

11
00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:00,320
This is a very impressive weapon.

12
00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:06,360
As soon as them Nazi paratroopers cop this, you won't see 'em for dust.

13
00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:09,320
Dragging this gun is an awful fag.

14
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:14,760
An awful fag?! This gun is very important in our efficiency tests.

15
00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:18,360
The orders stated, "Bring the Smith gun."

16
00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:24,000
That's right. It says here, "Bring sandwiches. ..And the Smith gun."

17
00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:30,480
- Get the men loaded.
- The van's locked, sir. Walker's got the key.

18
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:34,520
- Go and get it! And hurry up!
- Right, sir. Hurry...

19
00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:41,280
- Did you get the cover made for the gun, Godfrey?
- Yes, sir.
- Where is it?
- In the cab.

20
00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:46,880
- My sister worked on it till midnight.
- Go and put it on. Help him, Frazer.

21
00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:54,200
Joe? Where's the key of the van? Mr Mainwaring wants to get started.

22
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:56,240
PHONE RINGS

23
00:01:57,280 --> 00:02:03,320
- Jack Jones, the butcher.
- I gave Joe 50 quid for half a ton of onions.

24
00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:08,920
- I want them here. Where are they?
- Don't ask ME.

25
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:14,280
- I want 'em here at once!
- Well, we're going away for the weekend.

26
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:19,600
- For the weekend?!
- Yes, on a Home Guard proficiency test.

27
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:26,960
I'm coming for my onions and if I don't get 'em, there won't be bread in your sausages, there'll be YOU!

28
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:30,840
And I shan't be fussy where I put the seasoning!

29
00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:33,880
Joe!

30
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:38,520
The cover's on, sir. Would you like to look at it?

31
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:50,080
- What's this, Godfrey?
- It's an old chair-cover.

32
00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:59,120
- We'll look like a lot of pansies.
- They've gone to a lot of trouble. Don't hurt his feelings.
- Very well.

33
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:04,200
It's awfully nice, but we don't need it now. It's not raining.

34
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:09,320
- Sir!
- Ah, Walker. Unlock the van.
- That's difficult, sir.
- Why?

35
00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:14,200
- Well... You see... The thing is...
- Oh, give it to me!

36
00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:17,800
And Walker,

37
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,880
if you've been at any monkey business,

38
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:24,720
I shall be down on you like a ton of bricks.

39
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:34,080
You're all oniony. He's all oniony, Mr Wilson.

40
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:40,760
- I was delivering those onions to a customer.
- How dare you! I'll talk to you afterwards.

41
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:46,960
- Come on, Wilson. Let's go.
- Shall we unload the onions?
- No, we're already late.

42
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:50,280
Get the men to climb over the onions.

43
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:53,600
At the double! On the onions, climb!

44
00:03:56,760 --> 00:04:02,120
Uncle Arthur, I can't travel on those onions. I shall cry my eyes out.

45
00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:05,560
Don't be so namby-pamby. Get on board.

46
00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:08,200
- I shall tell Mum.
- Just get on.

47
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:10,600
- Wilson!
- Coming.

48
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:20,520
Here!

49
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:34,040
Where are you going with my onions? Oi! I want my onions! Do you hear me?

50
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:36,480
OW! My foot!

51
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:39,960
Come on! In my lorry. We'll follow them!

52
00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:59,920
HE SNIFFS NOISILY

53
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:04,520
Stop that snivelling, boy.

54
00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:10,440
- I can't help it. It's the onions.
- Haven't you got a handkerchief?
- No.

55
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:11,680
Wilson!

56
00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:14,200
- Sir?
- Give this boy a handkerchief.

57
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,960
You know, sir...

58
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:24,440
- ..going on these efficiency tests is courting disaster.
- Nonsense. Anyway, we couldn't get out of them.

59
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,720
PIKE HALF BLOWS HIS NOSE, HALF SNORTS

60
00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:31,160
Look, move down one, will you, boy?

61
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:41,720
If we funked it, they'd say it was because we had no confidence in ourselves.

62
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:45,920
- I have every confidence in ourselves.
- Thank you.

63
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:54,240
And I have confidence in YOU because you are confident. You are confident because you have confidence in us.

64
00:05:54,240 --> 00:06:00,200
Even if you hadn't, you wouldn't show it. And that gives me confidence.

65
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:05,320
It doesnae give ME any confidence.

66
00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:10,360
Don't roll your eyes like that.

67
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:18,040
Now, if we pass these tests, we shall get 12 stars.

68
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:22,880
I want us to be a 12-star platoon because a 12-star platoon...

69
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:27,840
- Well, you know what that means.
- A mention in the AA book.

70
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:30,800
Walker, you're on very thin ice.

71
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:32,800
< Mr Mainwaring?

72
00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:35,760
The window.

73
00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,960
WALKER: I'll get rid of them.

74
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:49,840
What do YOU want? My onions! His onions.

75
00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:54,600
I can't come now. I'm not hanging about!

76
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:58,880
- Tell them to go away.
- They won't.
- Shut the window.

77
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,600
The important thing to remember...

78
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:13,200
They're still there.

79
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,920
Oh, really!

80
00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:19,520
Clear off!

81
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,560
As I was saying...

82
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:32,040
..whatever's in store for us, I'm relying on you to keep on your toes.

83
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:39,600
Last week I met a sergeant in the Eastbourne Home Guard. His people knew my people years ago.

84
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:46,640
- A nice fellow.
- We're not interested in your social life.
- Then I shan't tell you.
- What?

85
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:49,080
He'd been on these tests.

86
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:52,600
Why didn't you say so in the first place?

87
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,160
Everyone, listen to Sergeant Wilson.

88
00:07:55,160 --> 00:08:02,880
Well, first they fire a lot of questions at you. Then the officer goes out and leaves you.

89
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:07,920
Then somebody else comes in, in disguise, and plants a bomb!

90
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:12,640
On my signal, whoever comes in, we'll jump on them.

91
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:15,960
They also search you for weapons.

92
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:19,680
Don't worry, sir. I'm fully prepared.

93
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:22,160
What's that, Jonesy?

94
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:25,240
- It's a rummel.
- A terrible weapon!

95
00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:30,480
- What's a rummel?
- It's what Thugs use in India to strangle their victims.

96
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:35,280
- They did a lot of strangling...
- I doubt we'll need it.

97
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:40,120
Don't be too sure, Sir! That knot there should be a silver rupee,

98
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,320
but my half a crown will do as well.

99
00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:47,640
You creep up behind them and swing it like that,

100
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:51,800
then you tighten it and tighten it. It don't half make their eyes water.

101
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:55,120
Er... Put it away!

102
00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:59,240
FALL IN AT THE DOUBLE!

103
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:03,240
QUICK MARCH! JUMP TO IT!

104
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:04,520
GUARD...

105
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:05,840
..'SHUN!

106
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:10,160
Stand at EASE! Stand still.

107
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:13,840
Good morning. My name...is Ramsey.

108
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:15,440
RRRamsey!

109
00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:24,000
I must warn you that, once inside those doors, anything can happen. Are YOU prepared for the worst?

110
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,160
ARE you?

111
00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:30,120
Yes, sir. He's prepared for the worst.

112
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:33,520
All together. What are you prepared for?

113
00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:37,200
ALL: For the worst! RAMSEY: You're crying!

114
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:39,080
I'm not.

115
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:42,000
You ARE. You're a coward. A coward!

116
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:47,280
- I hate cowards.
- Well, actually, sir, it's the onions.

117
00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,360
Rubbish!

118
00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:55,240
One of your men crying - it's not a very good start. What is it?

119
00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:58,880
- It's not a very good start, sir.
- All together!

120
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:01,760
ALL: Not a very good start.

121
00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:03,680
'Ten-SHUN!

122
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:07,680
Right TURN! At the double, QUICK march!

123
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:10,080
Left-right. Left-right.

124
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:13,120
And YOU! Lift those heels up!

125
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:16,960
RAMSEY CONTINUES TO SHOUT IN TIME

126
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:21,280
Hup-hup, hup-hup, hup-hup-HUP!

127
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:25,000
< Get 'em up! Halt, one-two!

128
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,000
Right turn!

129
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:31,400
Sergeant, search 'em for weapons.

130
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:32,520
Sir!

131
00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:49,880
You are now under battle conditions.

132
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:53,280
This part of the test is worth four stars.

133
00:10:53,280 --> 00:11:00,760
My sergeant and I can be a Gestapo officer, a British naval officer - anything. Searched them, Sergeant?

134
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:02,720
All clear!

135
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,240
Right. Over here.

136
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:11,760
For a moment, I thought he was going to comprehend my rummel.

137
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:16,920
Captain, Sergeant, Corporal - to the desk. The remainder, on the bench!

138
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,960
Can he no' talk the King's English?

139
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:31,840
I want you to be alert and on your toes. What do I want?

140
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:33,960
ALL: Be alert!

141
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,000
UP!

142
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,080
DOWN!

143
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:36,800
UP!

144
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:39,120
Down! Up-down!

145
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:40,320
Up...!

146
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:41,840
Ohh!

147
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:48,840
Excuse me, I think I missed one. Shall I stand up and sit down again?

148
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:54,920
Keep sitting. The first part of this test is for officers and NCOs only.

149
00:11:54,920 --> 00:12:00,280
You four at the back will criticise your leaders. What will you do?

150
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,080
Criticise them!

151
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:08,280
Corporal, when I blow my whistle, I am a Gestapo officer. What am I?

152
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:10,120
Y-you...

153
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,520
Come on!

154
00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:13,520
I'm confused.

155
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:17,720
I am a Gestapo officer. What am I?

156
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:20,880
You are a Gest-office-apo.

157
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,640
(Gestapo.)

158
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,400
Gestapo officer!

159
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:27,480
Right.

160
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:38,360
You fool!

161
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,560
Get him back to his place! Back!

162
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:47,800
You said you was Gestapo. I was being alert.

163
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:50,840
Not until I blow my whistle!

164
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:54,680
Somehow, I don't think we'll get those 12 stars.

165
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:59,880
- I thought he was the Gestapo. I mean...
- Right, right, RIGHT!

166
00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:03,040
NOW I'm Gestapo.

167
00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:07,080
You, Sergeant, what are you doing in France?

168
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:13,920
- I'm not IN France.
- You parachuted in, I've captured you, and now I'm interrogating you.
- I see.

169
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,760
Bonjour. Comment allez-vous?

170
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:22,080
You're not supposed to say anything! Now, what are you doing in France?

171
00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:29,560
- I don't know.
- Trying to blow up a munitions factory.
- Oh. I was trying to blow up a munitions factory.

172
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:33,040
- So, you admit it!
- Really, this is too absurd.

173
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:34,160
Sergeant,

174
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,880
I'll show you how absurd it is.

175
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:43,440
I'm putting matches underneath your fingernails, setting light to them.

176
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:50,440
They're burning down. They've reached your fingers. You're in agony. How do you like that?

177
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:55,360
Well, to be honest, it isn't really bothering me very much.

178
00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:02,040
Comment. He's very brave. Rubbish!

179
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,560
Guard my rear, Sergeant.

180
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:05,640
Sir.

181
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:13,440
(Get out of it! Clear off, you fools!)

182
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:14,960
Right.

183
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,800
Next question. Captain?

184
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:20,160
Sir...! Ohh!

185
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:23,160
- Permission to speak, sir?
- Yes?

186
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:28,640
In what capacity are you now speaking, sir? Gestapo or what?

187
00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:31,560
I am not anyone. I'm ME.

188
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:35,360
- You ought to blow your whistle.
- What for?

189
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:42,880
Last time, you said, "I am not Gestapo till I blow my whistle." Then you blew your whistle.

190
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:50,280
So you ought to say, "I am not me till I blow my whistle." Blow your whistle and say, "Now I'm me."

191
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:57,800
I don't need to say when I'm me. I know who I am. They know who I am. Sit down!

192
00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:01,400
Well, he ought to blow his whistle...

193
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,040
All RIGHT!

194
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:04,880
All right.

195
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,160
Now I am me.

196
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:11,680
- Satisfied?
- Thank you very much, sir.

197
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,040
Now he's him.

198
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:21,080
Now, Captain, you are in a balloon, travelling across enemy territory with your men.

199
00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:25,880
The balloon is losing height. You must push one of them out.

200
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:31,520
- Which one?
- I'd call for a volunteer.
- Can't do that.

201
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:34,200
Choose one. What must he do?

202
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,520
Choose one.

203
00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:44,040
I would prefer to throw myself out, but I realise I am too valuable.

204
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:47,600
I'm afraid it'd have to be Private Godfrey.

205
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:50,360
Comment.

206
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:52,520
Sound common sense.

207
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:53,480
Comment.

208
00:15:54,720 --> 00:16:02,320
Well, it shouldn't be ME. I've got my whole life ahead of me. I've done no living at all.

209
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:07,000
That's why it SHOULD be you! What you've never had, you never miss.

210
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:13,720
If we're losing height, we can wait till we hit the ground and Godfrey can step out.

211
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:16,240
- Thank you, Mr Wilson.
- Not at all.

212
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:28,760
Now, if you'll excuse me, my sergeant and I will leave the room for a time.

213
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,240
Sir, may I leave the room with you?

214
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,680
No, you could not!

215
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:41,640
Right, gather round. Gather round.

216
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:52,880
Remember what happens when the officer leaves the room? Someone enters in disguise with a bomb.

217
00:16:52,920 --> 00:17:00,680
How many marks? Marks?! I'd like to mark that corporal for life.

218
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:03,080
Shall I take their tea in?

219
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:06,560
You might as well. Give me mine first.

220
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:13,600
Whoever comes out of that door will be carrying a bomb. We'll get four stars for this.

221
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,680
Tea's up. Tea's up!

222
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,200
Be careful.

223
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:25,920
- It's a girl!
- Rubbish! Get his wig off!

224
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:29,240
You lot are worse than the regulars!

225
00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:33,560
- PIKE: The bomb must be in the tea-urn.
- Get rid of it!

226
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,360
C-R-A-S-H!

227
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:39,880
Hooligans! Reckless hooligans!

228
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:46,440
Do you mind turning the tap off, please? It's running all over my vestment.

229
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:53,920
RAMSEY: Squad, stand at ease. Stand still!

230
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:59,480
This is phase two of the test. If you pass this, you get four stars.

231
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:05,520
Get all your men over this electrified fence using only this equipment.

232
00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:10,160
If you touch the fence, an alarm goes off and you start again.

233
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:15,240
Excuse me. Is this a hypothetical electrified fence or is it real?

234
00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:22,560
It is a hypothetical electrified fence, with a small charge running through it for a hint of zest.

235
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,760
Thank you.

236
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:27,800
It'll just give you a wee shock.

237
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:35,000
You have three minutes to assess the situation and half an hour to complete the test.

238
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,040
On you go.

239
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,320
Pay attention.

240
00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:43,360
This is a tough one, but we can crack it.

241
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:50,000
I suggest we all think very hard for a minute. Then I want ideas, thick and fast.

242
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,440
Go.

243
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:08,680
- Time up. Wilson?
- Well... Er... I...

244
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:12,920
- Frazer?
- Aye! If we could just get...

245
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,000
No.

246
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,920
Pike?

247
00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:21,320
..Sorry. I'm not ready yet.

248
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:23,920
Jones?

249
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:26,400
- Corporal JONES!
- Ahh...

250
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,480
Acrobats, sir!

251
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:32,000
- What?
- I saw it once in a circus, sir.

252
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:35,520
Put the plank on that small oil-drum.

253
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:41,720
I stand on one end. Private Walker jumps on the other end and levitates me over the fence.

254
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:46,880
- He'd break his neck, sir.
- Far too dangerous.
- Let me do it.

255
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,080
Start!

256
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:53,720
I won't go up too high. Just enough to go over the fence.

257
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,160
Come along. Move, move!

258
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:01,880
Walker, come on. Give us a hand.

259
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:16,720
You've got to admire Jones. I like to see guts.

260
00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:20,000
You probably WILL.

261
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:25,320
Right! Get ready to jump, Joe!

262
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:30,920
- I hope you know what you're doing, Jonesy.
- Don't argue. Ready, steady...

263
00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:32,080
..jump!

264
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,520
What's going on?

265
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,840
- Ready, Jones?
- Ready!

266
00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:48,080
Right.

267
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,520
Lift.

268
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:52,240
FENCE BUZZES

269
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,120
Start again!

270
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,760
- Take it easy, Jones.
- All right, sir.

271
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:10,240
I'm nearly there, sir. Nearly over.

272
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:12,760
I'm nearly there, sir.

273
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:17,680
BUZZ!

274
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:21,080
Jonesy! Jonesy, come back!

275
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:25,600
Time's up.

276
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:30,160
Can't we have an extension? We've nearly got it licked.

277
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:31,880
All right.

278
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,680
Start again!

279
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:39,720
By the left, forward.

280
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:42,920
I think I'm going to make it, sir!

281
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:47,080
- Say a little prayer for him, sir.
- I'm going to make it...

282
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:54,000
BUZZ!

283
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:05,040
- Start again!
- >

284
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,440
Same again, Clark.

285
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:18,960
Sorry, sir. I've got to close. It's midnight.

286
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:23,520
Oh, very well. I'm away to my bed.

287
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:34,440
- Are you over, Jones?
- Nearly, sir.

288
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:38,000
BUZZ!

289
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,760
Got it licked, Mainwaring (?)

290
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:43,440
Start again!

291
00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:49,600
Platoon, atten-shun!

292
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,600
At ease!

293
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:55,400
Stand still. Right.

294
00:22:55,400 --> 00:23:01,360
This is the final phase of the test. If you pass this, you get four stars.

295
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:03,680
Permission to speak, sir?

296
00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:09,720
May I be so forward as to ask how many stars we have enquired so far?

297
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,720
In the first test, nothing.

298
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:18,920
In the second, one star for perseverance even though you kept me awake all night.

299
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:24,800
- At least we've got ONE.
- You haven't done well. What haven't you done?

300
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:27,800
ALL: We haven't done well.

301
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:31,520
Confession is good for the soul. What is it good for?

302
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:35,800
- The soul.
- That boy's crying again.

303
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,800
I'm not! You ARE!

304
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:40,040
Coward!

305
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:44,040
- I've told you, it's the onions.
- I'm NOT a coward!

306
00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:49,960
I've done ever such brave things - even taken dead mice out of traps.

307
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:51,000
Pike...

308
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:56,080
Right! Concealed in that copse over there is a body of my men.

309
00:23:56,080 --> 00:24:01,720
I will blow my whistle. You will have 15 minutes to prepare yourselves.

310
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:09,800
My men will advance. You will fire three dummy bombs. They will retreat. Clear?

311
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:14,600
- That seems straightforward.
- Couldn't be more straightforward.

312
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:17,400
Sergeant, give them the charges.

313
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:20,720
Three charges.

314
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:29,480
- Where are the dummy bombs?
- That's the interesting part. Follow me.

315
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:30,960
About turn!

316
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:34,760
Your onions, Mr Hodges!

317
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:41,280
What a queue there'll be outside my shop tomorrow! Let's get the van!

318
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:43,480
­ Gather round!

319
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:46,440
You are all familiar with this fence.

320
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:49,160
Where ARE the dummy bombs?

321
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,560
EVERYONE GROANS

322
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:57,480
Your men will get over the fence, collect the bombs, get back again.

323
00:24:57,480 --> 00:25:01,080
If you touch the fence, you will start again.

324
00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:04,800
We couldn't get over that fence in five hours!

325
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:08,840
I said this whole weekend would finish in disaster.

326
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:13,400
Double back to your gun and wait for my signal. Clear?

327
00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:16,520
Yes, sir. Very clear indeed.

328
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:22,920
Right.

329
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:29,720
Hurry up!

330
00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:35,760
Should we take these onions without permission? They're mine!

331
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,280
Hold your frock out!

332
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:43,400
- Look! They're messing wi' our van.
- Damn cheek!

333
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,040
Forward, at the double!

334
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:48,400
Hold still!

335
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:53,760
Now, look here. Look here. How dare you interfere with our van!

336
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:58,200
- These are mine.
- We're doing a 12-star test!
- Clear off!

337
00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:03,160
Don't bother with him. You have more important things to do. Follow me!

338
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:08,600
Stand up to him, and he's like a pricked balloon.

339
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:12,800
RAMSEY BLOWS HIS WHISTLE

340
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:16,440
The first whistle. We've got 15 minutes.

341
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,920
Better get to the fence.

342
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:22,920
Wait. There must be a way. Let's all think.

343
00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:30,240
Captain, it's just occurred to me - this is a smooth-bore weapon. You can fire anything from it!

344
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:34,400
Yeah, like that film Captain Blood, with Errol Flynn.

345
00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:38,720
We've got the charges. We just need some nuts and bolts.

346
00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:41,880
- We haven't got any.
- Take 'em off Jones' van.

347
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,760
How dare you?! You can't take my van to pieces!

348
00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:51,880
Captain Mainwaring, if we fire the gun at those people, we might make holes in them...and spoil them.

349
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:53,800
Or kill 'em!

350
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:55,960
Of course. The idea is absurd.

351
00:26:55,960 --> 00:27:04,040
- If we fire this gun, we want something hard, but not lethal.
- We haven't got anything like that...

352
00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:05,720
Wait a minute.

353
00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:07,960
Onions!

354
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:11,680
That's the lot. You took long enough.

355
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:13,840
Just a minute.

356
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:21,920
- We want those onions.
- No.
- In the name of the King...
- You can't have 'em!
- We'll buy them.

357
00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:28,960
- You're not registered with me.
- Well, you're registered with ME, and you've had it for kidneys!

358
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,400
All right. A shilling a pound.

359
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:33,840
­ You bought 'em at fourpence!

360
00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:37,480
- We'll take 20 pounds.
- That'll cost you a quid.

361
00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:40,000
Lend me a pound, Wilson.

362
00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:47,280
- Looks like they've funked the test. - It's what I'd expect from softies.

363
00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:56,120
That's enough, Pike. Hurry up, Verger!

364
00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:59,440
Range - 200 yards.

365
00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:03,640
- Range - 200 yards. Right, sir.
- Load the charge.

366
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:06,280
Loaded!

367
00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:07,440
Stand by!

368
00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:13,240
Backing out, are you? I shan't even give you one star now.

369
00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:20,280
- We're not backing out of anything.
- Huh! I'm due to blow the whistle in 30 seconds.
- Go ahead.

370
00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:22,880
- There's no point.
- Oh, give it to ME.

371
00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:28,920
Fire!

372
00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:33,120
Fire!

373
00:28:37,120 --> 00:28:37,800
Fire!

374
00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:50,440
THEY CHEER

375
00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:54,920
Well done, men! We achieved the object of the exercise.

376
00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:57,440
I take my hat off to you, Mainwaring.

377
00:28:57,440 --> 00:29:01,600
That's the best bit of initiative I've seen so far.

378
00:29:01,600 --> 00:29:04,040
I'm going to give you...

379
00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:05,800
..twelve stars.

380
00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:07,880
Sir!

381
00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:12,320
Did you hear that, men? A 12-star platoon!

382
00:29:13,440 --> 00:29:16,000
Just a minute. Where are you going?

383
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:19,320
- To pick up those onions!
- They're OURS!

384
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:22,080
- Come on, men!
- Get after them.

385
00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:18,360
Subtitles by BBC 1993