1
00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:08,360
# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

2
00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:13,400
# If you think we're on the run?

3
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:18,240
# We are the boys who will stop your little game

4
00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:22,840
# We are the boys who will make you think again

5
00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:27,840
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

6
00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:32,720
# If you think old England's done?

7
00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:37,320
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

8
00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:39,720
# But he comes home each evening

9
00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:42,480
# And he's ready with his gun

10
00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:47,320
# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

11
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:53,000
# If you think old England's done? #

12
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:08,280
- How are they now, Mr Mainwaring?
- They're throbbing a bit, nurse,

13
00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:13,080
- but I'll grin and bear it.
- We've got a visitor to cheer you up.

14
00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:14,920
Not Mrs Mainwaring!

15
00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:16,640
No.

16
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:20,400
Two gentlemen. Come in. He's respectable.

17
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,440
Can I do you now, sir?

18
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:26,160
- Ah! Come in, Jones. Hello, Wilson.
- Hello, sir.

19
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,560
You can stay until the bell goes.

20
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:33,320
- How sweet. Thanks for showing us the way.
- That's all right, sir.

21
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:36,560
That uniform suits you awfully well.

22
00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:38,120
Thank you.

23
00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:45,840
- Thank you, nurse.
- I think it's the belt you're wearing. It makes your waist look absolutely tiny!

24
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:47,520
That's all!

25
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:56,240
They have to work, not listen to this Ronald Coleman stuff!

26
00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,040
I've brought these for you, sir.

27
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,440
How kind! Make yourselves at home.

28
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:08,320
- Thank you, sir.
- Sit down, Jones.
- Thanks very much.

29
00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:09,840
Ooh!

30
00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:11,240
Sorry.

31
00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,560
Hitler won't catch you bending, sir!

32
00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:24,160
That's right, Jones. Have to hide it from Matron, though.

33
00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,880
Let's see what we've got here.

34
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,480
Great Scott!

35
00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:34,000
Grapes.

36
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,880
I haven't tasted a grape...

37
00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:40,160
- ..since 1939.
- Yeah.

38
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,840
Well, they're not real grapes, sir.

39
00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:47,320
We...we impersonated them from electric light wires and...

40
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,720
..shaved gooseberries.

41
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:55,280
I see what you mean.

42
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:58,640
We had trouble from the gooseberry fur,

43
00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:05,320
but Mr Frazer found a bit of glass paper what he uses on ten-guinea coffins.

44
00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:09,440
Yes, well, it was a kind thought.

45
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:13,520
In fact I have received some fruit from Mrs Mainwaring.

46
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:15,920
How nice! Is this it?

47
00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:18,520
- Yes, that's it.
- How nice!

48
00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:21,320
It says "Get well soon."

49
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:25,440
- There's something on the back too.
- Oh, yes, er...

50
00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:30,960
- "The Anderson shelter's leaking."
- Yes, well, it'll just have to wait.

51
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:37,440
- Tell me, how was the operation?
- Ah, I want to talk to you about that...in private.

52
00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:41,880
I wonder if you would mind popping out for a moment, Jones.

53
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:46,720
- Me, sir?
- Yes, I've got something personal to say to Sergeant Wilson.

54
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:49,400
Yes, sir. I understand, sir.

55
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:53,920
Yes, sir.

56
00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:59,320
I asked Jones to leave because...

57
00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:04,000
I'll be outside, sir. I'll be just without of earshot.

58
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,280
- Thank you.
- Thank you.

59
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:11,280
I asked Jones to leave because I think you ought to see my feet.

60
00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:15,280
Why?

61
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:22,200
Because I want you to understand every single implication of this...

62
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:25,120
- ..whole affair.
- Dear oh dear!

63
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,000
How awful!

64
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:35,880
- It's my contention that that has been caused by active service.
- Ingrowing toenails?

65
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:41,080
Not a shadow of a doubt. The hours of duty. They'll never be the same.

66
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:48,080
- Will you try for a disablement pension?
- No, no. But that's caused by the standing about I do.

67
00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:54,840
You also do a lot of sitting about, don't you? Have you any trouble... down there?

68
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:03,320
You know, there's a certain coarse streak in you, Wilson.

69
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:07,160
I expect you picked it up at public school.

70
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,080
Awfully sorry.

71
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:15,320
I'm alerting you so you can be on guard for yourself and the troops.

72
00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:22,160
- I shall be very careful, sir.
- Well, I shan't mention it again. Come in now, Jones!

73
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,560
I never heard a word, sir.

74
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:32,920
Glad to see our chaps are doing so well in the desert. Those Itai's are no match for Tommy Atkins.

75
00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:37,960
You're right, sir. It's cos we keep going in with the old cold steel.

76
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,800
Them Wops ain't used to it, sir.

77
00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:45,160
Well, not many people can get used to it really.

78
00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:50,240
Not surprising if you got a great big Grenadier Guard going WERRRRRR!

79
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:55,360
- Very few people can stomach that.
- No, no, all right. Never mind that.

80
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:57,760
How's the platoon getting on?

81
00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:01,840
- Swimmingly!
- Really?
- Oh, yes. Miss you, of course.

82
00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:07,600
Yes, they're bound to. But, er... I'm afraid I'm here four more days.

83
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,320
Don't fret yourself, Mr Mainwaring.

84
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:14,680
Mr Wilson has made us carry on as if you were there,

85
00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:19,000
like an invisible presence, like a guiding star.

86
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,800
And he don't use "bull" like you do.

87
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:27,320
I'm not in favour of bull. Are you maintaining discipline?

88
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:31,560
Yes. I'm keeping discipline very well - in my style.

89
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,080
Yeah (!)

90
00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:36,000
Well, I hope to goodness you are.

91
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:40,840
There's only one way to run an army, Wilson. You must have obedience.

92
00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:43,400
Instant, unthinking obedience!

93
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,920
THEY ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

94
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:49,520
Please, please, PLEASE!

95
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:54,040
- For heaven's sake! One at a time!
- I'm sorry, Mr Wilson, but...

96
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:56,520
..I feel you were wrong.

97
00:06:56,520 --> 00:07:01,520
I wish you'd stop nagging at me. I've got the most dreadful headache.

98
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:06,480
The whole idea is doomed, DOOMED from the start, I tell ye.

99
00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:09,880
You cannae have vicars in the army!

100
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:13,600
They don't mix. It's like oil and vinegar!

101
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,440
Makes good salad dressing. What does?

102
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:22,000
Oil and vinegar. Provided you put the oil in first...or is it the vinegar?

103
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:29,040
I'm not talking about salad dressing. I'm saying that when YOUNG ARTHUR let the vicar join our platoon,

104
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:33,120
he made an idiot of himself. Go on, admit it, admit it!

105
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:39,240
What could I do? It's in the papers. Lots of clergymen are joining up.

106
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:44,880
And you mark my words. Yon verger - he's a Jonah!

107
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,880
He has a face like a sour prune.

108
00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:52,240
It wouldn't have happened if Mr Mainwaring had been here.

109
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:57,280
Well, he's not here for three days. I DO wish you'd stop going on at ME!

110
00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:00,960
- You leave Uncle Arthur alone.
- All right.

111
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,480
Vicars can be very useful.

112
00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:05,880
Look at Spencer Tracy.

113
00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:08,440
James Cagney was going to the chair,

114
00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:12,480
and Spencer Tracy asked him to die like a coward

115
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:17,640
so the kids wouldn't think he was a hero. He went to the chair screaming.

116
00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:21,880
- He died all yellow. - Wasn't that Charlie Chang?

117
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:24,480
Oh, Godfrey, please!

118
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:29,440
When we was with Lord Kitchener, we had a real nice padre with us.

119
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:33,080
A good one. He was a hard man, Lord Kitchener,

120
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:41,200
always cursin' and swearin', and this padre was always begging him to turn away from his evil habits.

121
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:46,080
Anyway, the night before the battle of Omdurman, he lined us up,

122
00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:51,120
and he gave Lord Kitchener and all of us a drumhead service. Yes.

123
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:55,600
And the next day, just before the battle was due to commence,

124
00:08:55,600 --> 00:09:03,160
Kitchener grabbed his binoculars, and he saw on the horizon 40,000 dervishes all chasing towards us.

125
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,560
"Oh, my God," he said.

126
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:10,440
And the padre was all smiles cos he thought he'd done a good job.

127
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:14,840
All right! There's no point going on about it. It's done.

128
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:22,920
- It's nearly half-past.
- What? You see! It's very naughty of you keeping me here. We ought to be on parade.

129
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:26,800
Now come along all of you. Quick as you can.

130
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:32,800
Sorry I'm late. The confirmation class went on and on.

131
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:37,360
- Have I missed anything?
- We're starting parade now.
- How exciting!

132
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:41,400
You left this in the vestry, your Reverence.

133
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:45,440
- Oh yes, silly me!
- Now you're here, we can start.

134
00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:48,600
Goody, goody! Private Yateman, HAT!

135
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:54,840
You stand at the end. Watch what the others do and follow them.

136
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:56,880
Right, platoon...

137
00:09:56,880 --> 00:10:01,920
Properly at ease everywhere. Come along. Properly at ease. Platoon...

138
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,760
AttenTION!

139
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:08,800
At ease! ..Yes, well,

140
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:13,360
wasn't awfully good, was it? Try and get it all together.

141
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:18,400
Let's try again. Pay attention. At ease, platoon...attenTION!

142
00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:21,800
Stand at EASE!

143
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:25,080
- Yes, that's better.
- Oh no it wasn't!

144
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:28,120
It was a SHAMBLES!

145
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:32,120
Look! It's Hopalong Cassidy!

146
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:35,800
- We weren't expecting you for days.
- Obviously.

147
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:41,320
They need the beds for urgent cases so I discharged myself. Just as well.

148
00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:46,680
- Nice to see you back, sir.
- Thanks.
- Even if you are dodgy on the pins.

149
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,320
I think I'd better inspect the men.

150
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:54,600
- Right, squad, squad, SQUAD.
- Uh-uh-uh, Wilson.

151
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:59,240
- Wilson, stand further away from my feet.
- I'm sorry.

152
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:01,760
I beg your pardon.

153
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:05,080
Squad...squad, attenTION!

154
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:11,480
Very smart, Jones, as usual.

155
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:15,520
Thank you sir. I always keep myself smart and alert.

156
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:21,360
I'm talking to you, but my eyes are darting hither and thither,

157
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:24,200
ready to see any danger lurking,

158
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:29,320
and if I detect the smallest peril, I'm on to it before you can say...

159
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:34,160
- ..CRACK! AHHHH! Don't move!
- GET HIM OFF! GET HIM OFF!

160
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:35,520
Jones!

161
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,920
Jones! Put him down!

162
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,440
- And pick that up.
- Yes, sir. Well...

163
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,520
..he moved and I detected him.

164
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:48,600
Mr Mainwaring? Can I stand next to someone else?

165
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:53,920
Stay where you are, Pike. ..What's this?

166
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:57,400
- A violin case.
- How dare you bring it on parade!

167
00:11:57,400 --> 00:12:02,040
- Take this man's name.
- Right, sir.
- Stand away from my feet!

168
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:04,560
- Further.
- I do beg your pardon.

169
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:06,960
I haven't got a violin in it.

170
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:11,320
It's me Tommy gun. Like Edward G Robinson in "Scarface."

171
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:15,680
- Do you know about this?
- NAA NAA NAAAAAAAAA!!!

172
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:17,520
MY FEET!

173
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:23,520
Don't ever bring it on parade again. See me in the office afterwards.

174
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:30,360
- Where's Walker?
- Oh, he asked me to leave a note in his place.

175
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:36,000
Pick it up.

176
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:44,040
"Captain Mainwaring, personal."

177
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,560
Personal? Well, give it to me.

178
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:54,280
Unusual perfume.

179
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:57,360
Petrol.

180
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,200
"Dear Cap...

181
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,320
"Thanks for letting me off.

182
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:12,160
"Had to go up to the Smoke for a few days to do a deal.

183
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:18,680
"I can swing it for a grand, but I'll have to drop the geezer a pony.

184
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:25,480
"Of course, if I cop it for a bit under, I'll sweeten him with a monkey,

185
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:31,600
"and half a bar for his nippers. P.S Here's a couple of oncers for you."

186
00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,840
How dare he try to bribe me!

187
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:43,280
- I'll see him in the office later.
- There'll be quite a queue.

188
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:48,120
- That's enough. And WILL you get away from my feet?!
- I'm sorry.

189
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:53,160
- Good evening.
- Good eve...

190
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:56,960
What's that paper in your hat?

191
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:02,720
- Er...oh yes. That's for the sun.
- For the sun?

192
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:10,400
Sgt Wilson won't let me wear my panama, and my nose is sensitive. This was the next best thing.

193
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:23,800
- Words fail me (!)
- He'd better see you in the office as well.

194
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:30,240
- Frazer, at least you look normal.
- Thank you, sir.

195
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:34,680
The wee moose will be gone from my pocket by the morrow.

196
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:36,400
What?

197
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:39,680
The wee moose.

198
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:44,120
I couldnae leave her by herself, sir. You see, she's...

199
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:51,080
Her bairns are due.

200
00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:52,920
O-oh!

201
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:56,960
Pregnant mice? Nose guards? Violins?

202
00:14:56,960 --> 00:15:01,880
I'm away a few hours and the entire unit crumbles before your eyes.

203
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:06,200
What's this?

204
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:12,120
I've joined your happy band. And where he goes, there goest I.

205
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,160
If this is a joke, it's a bad one.

206
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:21,080
- They asked to join and I saw no reason to stop them.
- Follow me. All three of you.

207
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,160
Now, what's all this tomfoolery?

208
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:34,600
- Don't call his Reverence a Tomfool.
- It's here in the paper.

209
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:38,760
- I read that rubbish.
- They asked so I signed them on.

210
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:44,200
It was quite spontaneous. I've been wrestling with my conscience.

211
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:49,520
It's been agony. Night and day. Thank you, Mr Yateman.

212
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:54,560
I asked myself, "Could I stand and watch my wife being raped by a Nazi?"

213
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:57,280
"NO," I said, "I couldn't."

214
00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:59,480
You're not married.

215
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,000
I have a very vivid imagination.

216
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:07,960
With the example of the other clergy, I knew my place was at your side.

217
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:13,000
- But I don't want you by my side.
- I'm afraid it's too late now, sir.

218
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,640
- These the papers?
- Yes, sir.

219
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:19,320
- We'll see.
- Don't destroy his particulars!

220
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,680
It won't help. They're duplicates.

221
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:25,640
Right. If that's how the land lies,

222
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:29,400
soldiers you are and soldiers you shall be.

223
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:34,240
Parade with Jones's section tonight and see what the army's all about.

224
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:39,080
We won't spare you, I promise. There'll be no pulpit to lean on.

225
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:49,960
Left right, left right, left right, squad...HALT!

226
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:53,480
Left TURN!

227
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:59,080
Private Pike, Private Vicar and Private Verger,

228
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:03,480
stand fast, the rest into the guard room. Fall out.

229
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:08,360
You'd better put your tin helmets on in case a bomb drops on you.

230
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:17,800
Now listen, Private Vicar. Private Pike and I are going to demonstrate correct procedure for a soldier

231
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,280
guarding things while on sentry.

232
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:24,320
Now, the first thing to look out for is parachuters,

233
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:27,040
saboteurs and enemies of the realm.

234
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:29,720
If any of these should approach you,

235
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:34,960
you challenge them in the aforesaid manner. Private Pike, you show them.

236
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,400
Halt! Who goes there?

237
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:41,840
- That was very good.
- Thanks very much.

238
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:44,240
Now, you do it just like that.

239
00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:49,080
- Could I go in now? I'm cold. I haven't got my muffler.
- Wherrr.

240
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:52,480
You don't want to bother about a muffler, boy! You're a soldier!

241
00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:53,680
HE SNEEZES

242
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:59,080
You're right. It IS a bit nippy. Anyway, it won't take a tick.

243
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:03,000
You do what Private Pike just done. Come on.

244
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,520
Halt. Who goes there?

245
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:11,560
Well, he's not going to come from down there, is he?!

246
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:19,240
Can't you make your voice a bit more fiercer, like a rough, devil-may-care, brutal person?

247
00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:24,800
- I thought he did very well.
- I'm not asking you. Silence in the ranks.

248
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:29,080
I'm not frightened of you at all. Quiet, Mr Yateman.

249
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:35,600
If I hear any more, he'll be on a FISA Section 40 doc. to discipline...prejudice.

250
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:41,240
- Can we do the next bit now?
- Yeah. We'll do the next bit. What is it?

251
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:48,440
Upon being challenged with "Halt! Who goes there?", the saboteur or enemy of the realm says "Friend."

252
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:54,000
- Whereupon you say "Advance, friend, and be recognised."
- Yeah, you do it.

253
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,640
Advance, friend, and be recognised.

254
00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:04,320
YOU haven't got to be friendly. You're asking him if HE'S friendly.

255
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:06,760
You don't want to be friendly, do you?

256
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:10,120
Suppose he advances and I don't recognise him?

257
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:16,920
If you don't know him, he'll know you. Everyone knows and respects his Reverence.

258
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:22,240
Well, it's a bit more complicated, but you pick it up as you go along

259
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:27,480
and if you have any bother, you send for the guard commander, that's me,

260
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:32,040
and if I have any trouble, or anyone shoots you, I call out

261
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:36,600
"Turn out the guard, turn out the guard" and we come and help you.

262
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:40,760
Let's go in. It's a bit nippy out here.

263
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,800
Heh-heh-heh, will you look at that?

264
00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:51,080
Two shillings for a packet of 20 cigarettes - highway robbery!

265
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,760
I know, the world's gone mad.

266
00:19:53,760 --> 00:20:00,200
I remember, when I was young, some of us young blades decided to have a good night out.

267
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:07,040
We went to London, saw the show at the Gaiety Theatre, and had a slap-up supper -

268
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:11,480
four courses, with wine. Then we all sailed home in hansom cabs.

269
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:15,200
And we had change out of half a sovereign!

270
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:21,920
You know the trouble wi' you Godfrey, you've always been a spendthrift.

271
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:30,880
Prices aren't too bad. Pikey and I went to the Rosemary Cafe in Eastgate for lunch.

272
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:37,720
We had brown Windsor soup, we had whale cutlets, mashed potatoes, swedes,

273
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,120
tapioca pudding and a cup of tea -

274
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:41,960
Ninepence!

275
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:45,480
Mind you, it wasn't very good.

276
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,480
I was sick.

277
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:56,440
# Oft in danger Oft in woe

278
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:59,640
# Christian soldiers onward... #

279
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:01,600
Your Reverence!

280
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:04,120
Somebody is approaching. Where?

281
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:06,320
There. Through the murk.

282
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:09,000
Oh dear! Will you do it or will I?

283
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,520
Don't worry. I'll take care of it.

284
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,600
Halt! Who goes there?

285
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:15,160
What?

286
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,160
Who goes there?

287
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:18,400
Adolf.

288
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,240
What did he say?

289
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:23,520
He said Adolf! Did you say Adolf?

290
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:26,720
That's right. Adolf Hitler.

291
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:30,760
I think it's a cheeky young boy having us on.

292
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:32,840
Come here, boy.

293
00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:37,760
If you don't behave, you'll be in trouble, for disobeying army orders.

294
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:42,800
Go on! You're not proper soldiers. You're a vicar and he's a verger.

295
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:45,440
I'm not taking any notice of you.

296
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:49,080
One more chance! Say it again, Mr Yateman.

297
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:51,160
Who goes there?

298
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:55,600
- Adolf Hitler! - Oh no! We'd better call Mr Jones.

299
00:21:55,600 --> 00:22:00,640
I could clip him round the ear. No, we'll call Mr Jones.

300
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:02,560
Turn out the guard!

301
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:10,000
Come on, lads. The vicar's in trouble. Turn out the guard! Where's the enemy? Where are they?

302
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:11,880
Fix bayonets!

303
00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:16,920
We said "Halt! Who goes there?" and he refuses to say "Friend."

304
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,120
- Who?
- This little boy.

305
00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:21,480
You didnae turn us out for him!

306
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,000
He's supposed to say it. You said so!

307
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:28,440
I know that boy. He's a cheeky little monkey.

308
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:33,520
He comes into my shop when it's full of people and shouts "Sainsbury's!"

309
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:39,520
He comes into our bank and shouts, "National Provincial."

310
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:46,680
- You can't do anything. You're not proper soldiers.
- Oh, aren't we? We'll show you. Bring him inside.

311
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:50,520
You heard what the corporal said. Get inside!

312
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:56,120
He hit me! You're not supposed to. It's against the Geneva convention.

313
00:22:56,120 --> 00:22:59,160
Yes. And so's that!

314
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:01,680
Come in here, young fellow-me-lad.

315
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:06,120
He hit me, the bully. I'll tell my Uncle Willy on you.

316
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:12,880
Hey, hey! I want nae backchat, son. I'm going to talk to you in your AIN language.

317
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:16,640
WATCH OOT! Or I'll hand you over to the polis.

318
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:22,800
For not compiling with lawful things what we're telling you about.

319
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:29,520
- What's going on? Where's the guard?
- We've taken a suspect, and we're interrogorating him.

320
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:33,200
- Suspect? Where?
- Over there, sir.

321
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:40,480
- He doesn't look suspicious.
- He said his name was Adolf Hitler.
- Don't take too much stock of that.

322
00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:43,840
Run along. In future, don't be cheeky.

323
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:46,240
He hit me. I want an apology.

324
00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:53,560
- Go, or my sergeant will put a belt round your backside.
- So! Assault, battery, threats and foul language.

325
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:58,480
- I'll tell my uncle. He'll have the law on you.
- Wilson, see him off.

326
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:03,680
- Pardon, sir?
- See him off!
- Please stop addressing me like a labrador.

327
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,400
Go on, you little perisher!

328
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:17,640
Now, in case there's a follow-up to this, I want a report from you all, as soon as you are relieved.

329
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:22,080
I was joking when this guard skelped me across the lug.

330
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:24,240
Go on, Hamish.

331
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:26,440
Then they all set on me.

332
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:30,440
- Shovin' and punchin'? - Yeah. Then old sourface...

333
00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:35,200
- Mainwaring? - Yes. He said I'd get a whipping so I ran off.

334
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:39,280
If anything makes my blood boil, it's cruelty to children.

335
00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:44,120
They were very cruel. Come on. I'll settle their hash.

336
00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:46,240
You going to fight him?

337
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:48,840
Well. We'll see what happens.

338
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:53,200
He's a cheeky wee devil.

339
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:56,760
- He deserved a skelping.
- Thank you, Frazer.

340
00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:03,720
If you have the details, I'll sign. From my experience, that's the last we'll hear of it.

341
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:08,200
Mainwaring! Jacket off and outside!

342
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:12,800
What are you talking about? How dare you come barging in?

343
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:15,200
Hamish, repeat what you told me.

344
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:19,240
That's him, Uncle Willy. He hit me again and again.

345
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:25,160
- Uncle Willy?
- HE pointed his bayonet at me, and the fat one said,

346
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:29,840
"Run along or my sergeant will put his belt across your backside."

347
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:37,200
That's your mark, isn't it, bullying little boys. Why not pick on someone your own size? Try me! Come on!

348
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:40,600
Hold my glasses, Wilson.

349
00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:49,200
Just a minute sir. Don't tangle with him in your crippled state. I'll do it, sir.

350
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:53,360
No, Jonesy. You're too old. Come on, PUT 'EM UP!

351
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:58,440
That's nice, that is. Eight against one.

352
00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:00,600
Seven. I'm not well.

353
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:08,040
Right. I'm bringing charges. I'm having you all up in court. You'll hear a few home truths there.

354
00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:11,720
They're a laughing stock. Laughing stock.

355
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:15,200
PLAYING soldiers. Playing! That's all.

356
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:20,760
- And his sausages are ALL BREAD!
- My sausages are NOT...

357
00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:23,920
..well, you can't get the meat, sir.

358
00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:31,600
You should hear us laugh when you come on parade and HE's hobbling around with his Red Cross handbag!

359
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:34,000
You with your Red Cross handbag!

360
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:37,600
They're almost as funny as the wardens.

361
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:40,200
Yeah! As funny as... WHAT DID YOU SAY?

362
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:45,040
You with your white hat and your flat nose and your "Fire! Fire!"

363
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:49,480
YOU CHEEKY LITTLE WHIPPERSNAPPER! I'll get you outside!

364
00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:56,040
I think that's the last we've heard of that.

365
00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:58,440
Although, one thing is quite clear.

366
00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:06,160
If you, Vicar, and you, Verger, had dealt with it in a military fashion, this wouldn't have happened.

367
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:10,360
So it's all my fault, is it? It's his Reverence's fault?!

368
00:27:10,360 --> 00:27:14,920
As far as I'm concerned, it shows how SILLY the whole thing is.

369
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:20,000
I'm fed up of you all. Keep your silly gun! And your silly hat!

370
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:25,280
- And your silly TUNIC! - What about the silly trousers?

371
00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:29,120
I'll send them round in the morning. Come on!

372
00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:34,200
Help! There's a bomb in the High Street, the town will be on fire.

373
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:41,360
- Sand buckets, Frazer! Get the pump! Pike, two buckets of water.
- Sorry! I didn't mean to tread on your foot.

374
00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:43,800
Never mind that. There's a war on.

375
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:47,080
Where's my helmet? At the double!

376
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:38,160
Subtitles by David Padmore - 1993 -