# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think we're on the run?
# We are the boys who will stop your little game
# We are the boys who will make you think again
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think old England's done?
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21
# But he comes home each evening
# And he's ready with his gun
# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think old England's done? #
- How are they now, Mr Mainwaring? - They're throbbing a bit, nurse,
- but I'll grin and bear it. - We've got a visitor to cheer you up.
Not Mrs Mainwaring!
No.
Two gentlemen. Come in. He's respectable.
Can I do you now, sir?
- Ah! Come in, Jones. Hello, Wilson. - Hello, sir.
You can stay until the bell goes.
- How sweet. Thanks for showing us the way. - That's all right, sir.
That uniform suits you awfully well.
Thank you.
- Thank you, nurse. - I think it's the belt you're wearing. It makes your waist look absolutely tiny!
That's all!
They have to work, not listen to this Ronald Coleman stuff!
I've brought these for you, sir.
How kind! Make yourselves at home.
- Thank you, sir. - Sit down, Jones. - Thanks very much.
Ooh!
Sorry.
Hitler won't catch you bending, sir!
That's right, Jones. Have to hide it from Matron, though.
Let's see what we've got here.
Great Scott!
Grapes.
I haven't tasted a grape...
- ..since 1939. - Yeah.
Well, they're not real grapes, sir.
We...we impersonated them from electric light wires and...
..shaved gooseberries.
I see what you mean.
We had trouble from the gooseberry fur,
but Mr Frazer found a bit of glass paper what he uses on ten-guinea coffins.
Yes, well, it was a kind thought.
In fact I have received some fruit from Mrs Mainwaring.
How nice! Is this it?
- Yes, that's it. - How nice!
It says "Get well soon."
- There's something on the back too. - Oh, yes, er...
- "The Anderson shelter's leaking." - Yes, well, it'll just have to wait.
- Tell me, how was the operation? - Ah, I want to talk to you about that...in private.
I wonder if you would mind popping out for a moment, Jones.
- Me, sir? - Yes, I've got something personal to say to Sergeant Wilson.
Yes, sir. I understand, sir.
Yes, sir.
I asked Jones to leave because...
I'll be outside, sir. I'll be just without of earshot.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
I asked Jones to leave because I think you ought to see my feet.
Why?
Because I want you to understand every single implication of this...
- ..whole affair. - Dear oh dear!
How awful!
- It's my contention that that has been caused by active service. - Ingrowing toenails?
Not a shadow of a doubt. The hours of duty. They'll never be the same.
- Will you try for a disablement pension? - No, no. But that's caused by the standing about I do.
You also do a lot of sitting about, don't you? Have you any trouble... down there?
You know, there's a certain coarse streak in you, Wilson.
I expect you picked it up at public school.
Awfully sorry.
I'm alerting you so you can be on guard for yourself and the troops.
- I shall be very careful, sir. - Well, I shan't mention it again. Come in now, Jones!
I never heard a word, sir.
Glad to see our chaps are doing so well in the desert. Those Itai's are no match for Tommy Atkins.
You're right, sir. It's cos we keep going in with the old cold steel.
Them Wops ain't used to it, sir.
Well, not many people can get used to it really.
Not surprising if you got a great big Grenadier Guard going WERRRRRR!
- Very few people can stomach that. - No, no, all right. Never mind that.
How's the platoon getting on?
- Swimmingly! - Really? - Oh, yes. Miss you, of course.
Yes, they're bound to. But, er... I'm afraid I'm here four more days.
Don't fret yourself, Mr Mainwaring.
Mr Wilson has made us carry on as if you were there,
like an invisible presence, like a guiding star.
And he don't use "bull" like you do.
I'm not in favour of bull. Are you maintaining discipline?
Yes. I'm keeping discipline very well - in my style.
Yeah (!)
Well, I hope to goodness you are.
There's only one way to run an army, Wilson. You must have obedience.
Instant, unthinking obedience!
THEY ALL SPEAK AT ONCE
Please, please, PLEASE!
- For heaven's sake! One at a time! - I'm sorry, Mr Wilson, but...
..I feel you were wrong.
I wish you'd stop nagging at me. I've got the most dreadful headache.
The whole idea is doomed, DOOMED from the start, I tell ye.
You cannae have vicars in the army!
They don't mix. It's like oil and vinegar!
Makes good salad dressing. What does?
Oil and vinegar. Provided you put the oil in first...or is it the vinegar?
I'm not talking about salad dressing. I'm saying that when YOUNG ARTHUR let the vicar join our platoon,
he made an idiot of himself. Go on, admit it, admit it!
What could I do? It's in the papers. Lots of clergymen are joining up.
And you mark my words. Yon verger - he's a Jonah!
He has a face like a sour prune.
It wouldn't have happened if Mr Mainwaring had been here.
Well, he's not here for three days. I DO wish you'd stop going on at ME!
- You leave Uncle Arthur alone. - All right.
Vicars can be very useful.
Look at Spencer Tracy.
James Cagney was going to the chair,
and Spencer Tracy asked him to die like a coward
so the kids wouldn't think he was a hero. He went to the chair screaming.
- He died all yellow. - Wasn't that Charlie Chang?
Oh, Godfrey, please!
When we was with Lord Kitchener, we had a real nice padre with us.
A good one. He was a hard man, Lord Kitchener,
always cursin' and swearin', and this padre was always begging him to turn away from his evil habits.
Anyway, the night before the battle of Omdurman, he lined us up,
and he gave Lord Kitchener and all of us a drumhead service. Yes.
And the next day, just before the battle was due to commence,
Kitchener grabbed his binoculars, and he saw on the horizon 40,000 dervishes all chasing towards us.
"Oh, my God," he said.
And the padre was all smiles cos he thought he'd done a good job.
All right! There's no point going on about it. It's done.
- It's nearly half-past. - What? You see! It's very naughty of you keeping me here. We ought to be on parade.
Now come along all of you. Quick as you can.
Sorry I'm late. The confirmation class went on and on.
- Have I missed anything? - We're starting parade now. - How exciting!
You left this in the vestry, your Reverence.
- Oh yes, silly me! - Now you're here, we can start.
Goody, goody! Private Yateman, HAT!
You stand at the end. Watch what the others do and follow them.
Right, platoon...
Properly at ease everywhere. Come along. Properly at ease. Platoon...
AttenTION!
At ease! ..Yes, well,
wasn't awfully good, was it? Try and get it all together.
Let's try again. Pay attention. At ease, platoon...attenTION!
Stand at EASE!
- Yes, that's better. - Oh no it wasn't!
It was a SHAMBLES!
Look! It's Hopalong Cassidy!
- We weren't expecting you for days. - Obviously.
They need the beds for urgent cases so I discharged myself. Just as well.
- Nice to see you back, sir. - Thanks. - Even if you are dodgy on the pins.
I think I'd better inspect the men.
- Right, squad, squad, SQUAD. - Uh-uh-uh, Wilson.
- Wilson, stand further away from my feet. - I'm sorry.
I beg your pardon.
Squad...squad, attenTION!
Very smart, Jones, as usual.
Thank you sir. I always keep myself smart and alert.
I'm talking to you, but my eyes are darting hither and thither,
ready to see any danger lurking,
and if I detect the smallest peril, I'm on to it before you can say...
- ..CRACK! AHHHH! Don't move! - GET HIM OFF! GET HIM OFF!
Jones!
Jones! Put him down!
- And pick that up. - Yes, sir. Well...
..he moved and I detected him.
Mr Mainwaring? Can I stand next to someone else?
Stay where you are, Pike. ..What's this?
- A violin case. - How dare you bring it on parade!
- Take this man's name. - Right, sir. - Stand away from my feet!
- Further. - I do beg your pardon.
I haven't got a violin in it.
It's me Tommy gun. Like Edward G Robinson in "Scarface."
- Do you know about this? - NAA NAA NAAAAAAAAA!!!
MY FEET!
Don't ever bring it on parade again. See me in the office afterwards.
- Where's Walker? - Oh, he asked me to leave a note in his place.
Pick it up.
"Captain Mainwaring, personal."
Personal? Well, give it to me.
Unusual perfume.
Petrol.
"Dear Cap...
"Thanks for letting me off.
"Had to go up to the Smoke for a few days to do a deal.
"I can swing it for a grand, but I'll have to drop the geezer a pony.
"Of course, if I cop it for a bit under, I'll sweeten him with a monkey,
"and half a bar for his nippers. P.S Here's a couple of oncers for you."
How dare he try to bribe me!
- I'll see him in the office later. - There'll be quite a queue.
- That's enough. And WILL you get away from my feet?! - I'm sorry.
- Good evening. - Good eve...
What's that paper in your hat?
- Er...oh yes. That's for the sun. - For the sun?
Sgt Wilson won't let me wear my panama, and my nose is sensitive. This was the next best thing.
- Words fail me (!) - He'd better see you in the office as well.
- Frazer, at least you look normal. - Thank you, sir.
The wee moose will be gone from my pocket by the morrow.
What?
The wee moose.
I couldnae leave her by herself, sir. You see, she's...
Her bairns are due.
O-oh!
Pregnant mice? Nose guards? Violins?
I'm away a few hours and the entire unit crumbles before your eyes.
What's this?
I've joined your happy band. And where he goes, there goest I.
If this is a joke, it's a bad one.
- They asked to join and I saw no reason to stop them. - Follow me. All three of you.
Now, what's all this tomfoolery?
- Don't call his Reverence a Tomfool. - It's here in the paper.
- I read that rubbish. - They asked so I signed them on.
It was quite spontaneous. I've been wrestling with my conscience.
It's been agony. Night and day. Thank you, Mr Yateman.
I asked myself, "Could I stand and watch my wife being raped by a Nazi?"
"NO," I said, "I couldn't."
You're not married.
I have a very vivid imagination.
With the example of the other clergy, I knew my place was at your side.
- But I don't want you by my side. - I'm afraid it's too late now, sir.
- These the papers? - Yes, sir.
- We'll see. - Don't destroy his particulars!
It won't help. They're duplicates.
Right. If that's how the land lies,
soldiers you are and soldiers you shall be.
Parade with Jones's section tonight and see what the army's all about.
We won't spare you, I promise. There'll be no pulpit to lean on.
Left right, left right, left right, squad...HALT!
Left TURN!
Private Pike, Private Vicar and Private Verger,
stand fast, the rest into the guard room. Fall out.
You'd better put your tin helmets on in case a bomb drops on you.
Now listen, Private Vicar. Private Pike and I are going to demonstrate correct procedure for a soldier
guarding things while on sentry.
Now, the first thing to look out for is parachuters,
saboteurs and enemies of the realm.
If any of these should approach you,
you challenge them in the aforesaid manner. Private Pike, you show them.
Halt! Who goes there?
- That was very good. - Thanks very much.
Now, you do it just like that.
- Could I go in now? I'm cold. I haven't got my muffler. - Wherrr.
You don't want to bother about a muffler, boy! You're a soldier!
HE SNEEZES
You're right. It IS a bit nippy. Anyway, it won't take a tick.
You do what Private Pike just done. Come on.
Halt. Who goes there?
Well, he's not going to come from down there, is he?!
Can't you make your voice a bit more fiercer, like a rough, devil-may-care, brutal person?
- I thought he did very well. - I'm not asking you. Silence in the ranks.
I'm not frightened of you at all. Quiet, Mr Yateman.
If I hear any more, he'll be on a FISA Section 40 doc. to discipline...prejudice.
- Can we do the next bit now? - Yeah. We'll do the next bit. What is it?
Upon being challenged with "Halt! Who goes there?", the saboteur or enemy of the realm says "Friend."
- Whereupon you say "Advance, friend, and be recognised." - Yeah, you do it.
Advance, friend, and be recognised.
YOU haven't got to be friendly. You're asking him if HE'S friendly.
You don't want to be friendly, do you?
Suppose he advances and I don't recognise him?
If you don't know him, he'll know you. Everyone knows and respects his Reverence.
Well, it's a bit more complicated, but you pick it up as you go along
and if you have any bother, you send for the guard commander, that's me,
and if I have any trouble, or anyone shoots you, I call out
"Turn out the guard, turn out the guard" and we come and help you.
Let's go in. It's a bit nippy out here.
Heh-heh-heh, will you look at that?
Two shillings for a packet of 20 cigarettes - highway robbery!
I know, the world's gone mad.
I remember, when I was young, some of us young blades decided to have a good night out.
We went to London, saw the show at the Gaiety Theatre, and had a slap-up supper -
four courses, with wine. Then we all sailed home in hansom cabs.
And we had change out of half a sovereign!
You know the trouble wi' you Godfrey, you've always been a spendthrift.
Prices aren't too bad. Pikey and I went to the Rosemary Cafe in Eastgate for lunch.
We had brown Windsor soup, we had whale cutlets, mashed potatoes, swedes,
tapioca pudding and a cup of tea -
Ninepence!
Mind you, it wasn't very good.
I was sick.
# Oft in danger Oft in woe
# Christian soldiers onward... #
Your Reverence!
Somebody is approaching. Where?
There. Through the murk.
Oh dear! Will you do it or will I?
Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Halt! Who goes there?
What?
Who goes there?
Adolf.
What did he say?
He said Adolf! Did you say Adolf?
That's right. Adolf Hitler.
I think it's a cheeky young boy having us on.
Come here, boy.
If you don't behave, you'll be in trouble, for disobeying army orders.
Go on! You're not proper soldiers. You're a vicar and he's a verger.
I'm not taking any notice of you.
One more chance! Say it again, Mr Yateman.
Who goes there?
- Adolf Hitler! - Oh no! We'd better call Mr Jones.
I could clip him round the ear. No, we'll call Mr Jones.
Turn out the guard!
Come on, lads. The vicar's in trouble. Turn out the guard! Where's the enemy? Where are they?
Fix bayonets!
We said "Halt! Who goes there?" and he refuses to say "Friend."
- Who? - This little boy.
You didnae turn us out for him!
He's supposed to say it. You said so!
I know that boy. He's a cheeky little monkey.
He comes into my shop when it's full of people and shouts "Sainsbury's!"
He comes into our bank and shouts, "National Provincial."
- You can't do anything. You're not proper soldiers. - Oh, aren't we? We'll show you. Bring him inside.
You heard what the corporal said. Get inside!
He hit me! You're not supposed to. It's against the Geneva convention.
Yes. And so's that!
Come in here, young fellow-me-lad.
He hit me, the bully. I'll tell my Uncle Willy on you.
Hey, hey! I want nae backchat, son. I'm going to talk to you in your AIN language.
WATCH OOT! Or I'll hand you over to the polis.
For not compiling with lawful things what we're telling you about.
- What's going on? Where's the guard? - We've taken a suspect, and we're interrogorating him.
- Suspect? Where? - Over there, sir.
- He doesn't look suspicious. - He said his name was Adolf Hitler. - Don't take too much stock of that.
Run along. In future, don't be cheeky.
He hit me. I want an apology.
- Go, or my sergeant will put a belt round your backside. - So! Assault, battery, threats and foul language.
- I'll tell my uncle. He'll have the law on you. - Wilson, see him off.
- Pardon, sir? - See him off! - Please stop addressing me like a labrador.
Go on, you little perisher!
Now, in case there's a follow-up to this, I want a report from you all, as soon as you are relieved.
I was joking when this guard skelped me across the lug.
Go on, Hamish.
Then they all set on me.
- Shovin' and punchin'? - Yeah. Then old sourface...
- Mainwaring? - Yes. He said I'd get a whipping so I ran off.
If anything makes my blood boil, it's cruelty to children.
They were very cruel. Come on. I'll settle their hash.
You going to fight him?
Well. We'll see what happens.
He's a cheeky wee devil.
- He deserved a skelping. - Thank you, Frazer.
If you have the details, I'll sign. From my experience, that's the last we'll hear of it.
Mainwaring! Jacket off and outside!
What are you talking about? How dare you come barging in?
Hamish, repeat what you told me.
That's him, Uncle Willy. He hit me again and again.
- Uncle Willy? - HE pointed his bayonet at me, and the fat one said,
"Run along or my sergeant will put his belt across your backside."
That's your mark, isn't it, bullying little boys. Why not pick on someone your own size? Try me! Come on!
Hold my glasses, Wilson.
Just a minute sir. Don't tangle with him in your crippled state. I'll do it, sir.
No, Jonesy. You're too old. Come on, PUT 'EM UP!
That's nice, that is. Eight against one.
Seven. I'm not well.
Right. I'm bringing charges. I'm having you all up in court. You'll hear a few home truths there.
They're a laughing stock. Laughing stock.
PLAYING soldiers. Playing! That's all.
- And his sausages are ALL BREAD! - My sausages are NOT...
..well, you can't get the meat, sir.
You should hear us laugh when you come on parade and HE's hobbling around with his Red Cross handbag!
You with your Red Cross handbag!
They're almost as funny as the wardens.
Yeah! As funny as... WHAT DID YOU SAY?
You with your white hat and your flat nose and your "Fire! Fire!"
YOU CHEEKY LITTLE WHIPPERSNAPPER! I'll get you outside!
I think that's the last we've heard of that.
Although, one thing is quite clear.
If you, Vicar, and you, Verger, had dealt with it in a military fashion, this wouldn't have happened.
So it's all my fault, is it? It's his Reverence's fault?!
As far as I'm concerned, it shows how SILLY the whole thing is.
I'm fed up of you all. Keep your silly gun! And your silly hat!
- And your silly TUNIC! - What about the silly trousers?
I'll send them round in the morning. Come on!
Help! There's a bomb in the High Street, the town will be on fire.
- Sand buckets, Frazer! Get the pump! Pike, two buckets of water. - Sorry! I didn't mean to tread on your foot.
Never mind that. There's a war on.
Where's my helmet? At the double!
Subtitles by David Padmore - 1993 -