# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think we're on the run?
# We are the boys who will stop your little game
# We are the boys who will make you think again
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think old England's done?
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think old England's done? #
I ain't half hungry, Mr Jones!
You're always hungry! I'll finish this off and we'll report back.
- They're nice pears, aren't they? - Mm.
Do you think we'll ever have bananas again?
Of course, when the war's over.
Mm.
I used to love bananas and cream.
I used to mash 'em all up lots of cream and sugar.
I'd squeeze a mouthful through the gaps in my teeth.
Do you like squeezing bananas through your teeth?
No. I don't mind blancmange.
Jelly?
Jelly's all right. But not bananas, not with this upper set. It's too risky!
And chocolate cream?
Lovely!
And talking of that, I'll tell you something
reminds me of when I was in the Boer War.
Christmas 1900 it was.
Queen Victoria sent all of us lads a tin box with a slab of chocolate in it.
I never touched that chocolate for 25 years. I kept it unopened for 25 years!
Right through the Boer and the First World wars.
When I went into hospital, I gave it to Charlie Higgins to look after.
- You never ate it? - I never touched it for 25 years!
Then one day I said to myself, "I fancy a bit of chocolate!"
I opened the tin. It was full of sand!
Charlie Higgins had eaten it while I was in hospital!
- But I got my revenge on him! - What did you do?
Every year, when we had the Old Comrades Association reunion,
I used to look Charlie Higgins full in the face and sing...
- # - ..Comrades, comrades, ever since we were boys
- # - Sharing each other's sorrow, sharing each other's...
- # - ..CHOCOLATE!! - #
He used to go all red and look on the ground!
Wasn't a great rhyme, but it did the trick!
Talking about chocolate...when I was a kid, I was passing this spot with my mum and I asked for chocolate.
She said no, so do you know what I did?
I put me head through those gate bars and pretended I couldn't get it out!
- What did your mum do? - She said she was going to call the fire brigade!
I took me head out and laughed!
Then she hit me!
Kids are always getting stuck in railings!
All I did was ask for chocolate, she said no,
so I went over to the gate and stuck me head through, that's all!
It's time to get back, come on!
Mr Jones!
What's up?
I'm stuck!
There's no time to play funny jokes! They'll be wondering where we are.
I'm not playing a funny joke! I can't get it out! Look, I can't get it out!
Blimey!
Ooh! Don't do that! Don't, please!
I can't understand it, it came out all right last time!
- How old were you last time? - Twelve.
Your head's grown since then.
I didn't think heads grew! DON'T you're pulling my ears off! What are we going to do?
Twist it round and try.
- I can't! - Go on, twist it! - Watch the spike! - Pull now! Pull, pull!
- Not that way! - Don't move the gate then! What are we going to do?
Don't panic! Don't panic!
Don't panic, I'll...
..I'll, er...
..I'll telephone that Mr Mainwaring on the telephone and, and...
..whatever you do, don't go away.
Don't move and don't panic!
- I think you're making a big mistake, sir! - Oh, you do?!
You're asking for trouble. Why did you agree to it?
I didn't want to offend. When that editor said he wanted to do a piece on us, I jumped at the chance.
If the reporter is a temporary member of the platoon, he'll be with us all the time!
That's my idea! If he's one of us, he can write the articles from first-hand knowledge.
- Isn't that dangerous? - How do you mean?
If he's here all the time, how are you going to be able to cover up your, er...mistakes?!
I'll pretend I didn't hear that remark!
- KNOCK ON DOOR - Come.
- I've brought you some cocoas. They're hot. - Thank you so much. - Thank you, Frazer. Thank you.
Your reporter fella's outside.
Send him in.
Captain Mainwaring, I may have said some harsh things in the past,
but I'd like to say, here and now, I admire your courage!
I don't quite understand, Frazer.
You're a very brave man to let that reporter fella watch your every move!
- You're either very brave, or else... - Or what?!
Nothing, sir. Nothing at all!
I admire you.
All the same, I cannae help thinking you're running a terrible risk, that's all!
What do you think he meant by that?
I've no idea.
- KNOCK ON DOOR - Come in.
Mr Cheeseman, of the Eastbourne Gazette.
STRONG WELSH ACCENT: Good day!
Hello. All ready to start work?
Yes, indeed!
Good! You will be a temporary trainee recruit. Have you measured him for his uniform, Godfrey?
No, we've only one spare suit!
Oh!
Well, measure him for that!
I thought I'd call the first article, "Captain Mainwaring, Man Of Action!"
Excellent title!
Yes, it is, sir!
It'll look awfully good in print!
"Man Of Action?"
No, there's no question mark after the title, Frazer.
A photograph!
Good idea! Would you like me sitting down, or standing up in a fashionable manner?
YOU'RE not in this!
- Right, sir. - Officers only! - Right. - Should I be working at my desk?
That's good!
Should I wear the gloves or not, do you think?
Won't it look strange, writing with gloves on?!
This pen's no good, anyway! Lend me your gold pen.
You know that I never ever lend my pen to anyone it hurts the nib!
Not to use! I only want to hold it.
Just keep the top on!
How can I have a photograph taken, writing with a pen with the top on?!
I think, perhaps, I should be on the telephone.
Yes! Get on the phone, that's good!
Is there no limit to his conceit? I think he looks noble!
How's that?
Oh, yes! Very Churchillian! Yes, indeed!
Hello!
Permission to speak, sir?
Jones? Get off the telephone. I'm having my photograph taken!
Is there something wrong?
No! It's just a patrol phoning in. The whole thing works like a smooth, well-oiled machine!
Ooh!
Jones, give me your report.
Pike's got his head caught in the park gates.
I see.
Did you hear me, sir? Pike's got his head caught in the park gates.
Good, good! Excellent!
Good...?! What's good about it?
I don't understand! What shall I do, Mr Mainwaring?
Can't you remove the obstacle?
Well, I've tried pulling, sir, but it's his ears they're in the way!
Anything wrong?
No, nothing wrong at all. One of my patrols got hung up, that's all.
Something is exposed which shouldn't be exposed.
Well, well!
It shouldn't be exposed, cover it up. Camouflage! I'll be along as soon as I can.
What is it that's exposed?
Don't ask questions like that in front of a civilian! I'm going to investigate.
- I'll come too! - No civilians I'm afraid.
You see, the thing which is exposed which shouldn't be exposed is highly secret.
I'm a member of the platoon now.
- You're not a member until I've sworn you in. - Swear me in now then!
- No time for that! Stay here, I'll swear you in later. - Righto, boy!
What are you covering me up for, Mr Jones?
It's got nothing to do with me! Mainwaring said you've got to be camouflaged! Hang on to that!
- Oi, eh! - What? - Couldn't you find a bush with no prickles on it?! - I'll go and find some.
Where is he?
I'm here...! I'm sorry!
Stupid boy!
- Why didn't you say that Frank had got stuck? - In front of that reporter?!
Why the camouflage?
- AIR RAID WARNING - Because we'd have been a laughing stock!
GODFREY: There they are again!
Right, get your tin helmets on, men!
- What about me? - We must take shelter. - What about me?
Be quiet, Pike! Put your helmet on.
I could run back to the workshop and bring my hacksaw.
That'll waste time. It'll take hours. Why not get the fire brigade?
They've more important things to do. Anyway, I don't want people to know!
I told you to put your helmet on!
- It won't go through. - Put it sideways! - How can I see which is sideways?!
Don't you use that tone of voice to me, Pike!
Jones, help him with his helmet.
Yes, sir.
If we smeared Vaseline on his head, he might slip through.
That's a very good idea! Wilson, Frazer...grease Pike's head.
What are you fiddling about like that for?
- Whenever I put his helmet on, it falls off! - Give it to me!
Hey, that's cold!
All right! It's only Vaseline!
Don't just dab at it, like some Nancy-boy! Smear it in!
I am!
- I'm going to tell my mum about this! - Be quiet!
Don't be soft!
No! Eugh!
Grab his legs and bring your full weight to bear.
No, not your full weight!
- Get what parts as you can. - Right, sir.
Ready...
..PULL!
Me ears!!
It's no good.
Don't give up! Try again...PULL!
Ooh, no, no!
- PULL! - NO!!
LOUD EXPLOSION
That was too heavy for a bomb.
Sounded like a land mine.
I thought it was Pike's head exploding!
FRAZER: We'll have to get this boy under cover, sir!
Yes, I'm well aware of that, Frazer!
Gather round me "O" group, here.
We've got to get this boy out of the railings. Any suggestions?
- Permission to speak, sir? - Yes. - Desperate times need desperate measures.
- The only thing stopping us getting Pike's head out is his ears. - Yes.
So I suggest we remove them.
What do you mean?
Cut 'em off!
Jones, for heaven's sake!
We only need to cut one off.
Don't talk rubbish! Pike can't go about without any ears!
It's better than not having a head!
Eh! Eh! You're talking about me, aren't you? What are you saying?
Mind your own business!
Eavesdropper!
If we lifted the gate off the hinges, we might be able to march with it back to the church hall.
Well done, Wilson! I was waiting to see who would spot that one first. Come on!
Wh-what are you doing? What are you doing?
Eh!
My head!
- When we lift, don't go up with it. Slide your head down the rails. - You should have said! - Lift!
It's coming, sir, it's coming!
- That's got it! Right... - Be careful!
Let's get back to the church hall as quick as we can and hope to goodness nobody sees us!
By the left, quick march!
Left, right! Left, right! Left, right!
Right wheel!
Left, right! Left, right! Keep in step, Pike!
INAUDIBLE
Left, right! Left, right!
Left, right! Left, left!
Left, right! Left!
Down on your right.
- Do not juggle the private! - Don't juggle me!
Stand easy. Right. Put it down gently there.
God!
- My arms have been dragged out of their sockets! - What about my head?!
- Stop grumbling! - Yes, stop grumbling!
We cannae stand here like this all night!
- Permission to speak? - Mm. - Let's get two ropes and tie it to the beam.
Good idea. Sponge, go and get two lengths of rope.
Yes, sir.
They did that in the Sudan hang prisoners up with nothing to drink!
- I don't want that! - You'll do as you're told!
I could bring him water from time to time.
Godfrey, don't put YOUR head through!
Heavens, what on earth's going on in the office?!
Yes, indeed! Yes, indeed!
Oh, thank goodness you're here, Captain Mainwaring!
- Who's this? - Private Pike.
How are you?
Nice to meet you!
Yes, indeed!
Why is his head stuck in the gate?
- It's highly secret! - Well, you can tell ME!
- I can't. I haven't sworn you in! - Do it now, then!
There's no time for that now! What's going on in there?
- The chief warden is holding a meeting... - How dare he?! Wilson! We'll soon sort this out!
EXCITED TALK
- ­ Where have you been? - How dare you hold a meeting in my office?!
It's MY office!
- ­ - And MINE! - And MINE, and I'M holding an emergency meeting! - What emergency?
You mean you haven't heard?!
< Do you know these gentlemen?
- Nice to see you! It was fun last night, wasn't it? Connie wears well, doesn't she?! - Never mind Connie!
- What's happening here? - A land mine has landed on the railway line!
­ It's destroyed 100 yards of track!
Gas and water supplies have been cut off!
If they drop fire bombs, that's it!
- I'm getting on to GHQ. - The telephone lines are down too!
I've just heard no gas, no water, no telephones. The town's cut off! We're marooned, marooned!
- What are we going to do? - All right, Mr Town Clerk, don't panic!
Somebody must do something!
THEY ARGUE
- Something's got to be done! - It certainly has!
- I shall have to take charge. - I agree.
- That's the sort of remark... what?! - I quite agree.
Without you in charge, God knows what will happen!
- Thank you, Wilson! - Not at all.
Get Frazer, Jones and Godfrey in here, at the double. Rifles and bayonets.
Frazer, Jones, Godfrey, at the double! Rifles and bayonets.
There we are, sir. How was that?
- I could hardly believe my ears! Is this really you?! - Yes, sir!
When the occasion demands, I can bawl and shout...just like you!
Now, Vicar... Vicar, I'm very sorry to do this...
- Jones. - Sir. - Frazer. - Yes. - Clear my desk! - Clear the desk!
How dare you threaten the vicar with a bayonet?!
I'm threatening YOU too! Clear off!
I think we'd better humour him! Captain Mainwaring has gone mad!
Form a tight group behind me.
In a tight group, behind the Captain, at the double!
Are you all right, sir?
Not as tight as that!
THEY CHATTER
Get their attention!
Come along, you hanged Sassenachs! Come along!
- All right! - All right, Frazer, that's enough!
Captain Mainwaring would like to make an announcement.
As from now, this town is under martial law.
ALL: Martial law?! Meaning?
I'm in charge!
­ He's been leading up to this for years and now he's finally done it!
You won't get away with it, Napoleon!
Inspector, arrest that man!
Captain Mainwaring, you really can't do this, you know!
If anyone should take charge, the police should! Anyway, where's your authority?
There's my symbol of authority!
And I have 15 fully-armed men behind me! What have you got?
Well, there's me and my sergeant, two constables...
Dick and George! Dick and George!
Captain Mainwaring man of action, I'm right behind you, boy! The power of the pest, remember!
Thank you, Mr Cheeseman!
- Sergeant Wilson, bring some paper and pencils. - Right. - The rest of you, follow me!
Pay attention, everybody!
This town is now under martial law.
Stop him, we can't let him take over the town! The man's a tyrant!
< Look how he punishes his men!
No, I'm not being punished!
Be quiet, Pike!
Now...Wilson, Jones, Frazer!
You will take these orders, then you will get on your bicycles
and shout these messages all round the town!
Wilson, start getting it down.
- This town is under martial law. - "This town..."
- All looters will be shot on sight! - "All looters..."
I demand that he is stopped! He's behaving like a dictator in some South American banana republic!
Does that mean we're going to have bananas again?
There's been damage to gas and water supplies, so there is a danger of cholera.
- Drinking water must be boiled. - "Drinking water must be boiled."
- How can they boil it without gas? - That's their business! - "That's..." - No, no!
- No baths without a permit. - "No baths without a permit."
Jones, you're in charge of those permits.
- Captain... - Be quiet, Godfrey!
- All rumour-mongerers will be imprisoned! - "All..."
- All defeatists will be imprisoned! - "All..."
- Anyone not obeying military law... - "Anyone..." - ..will be imprisoned!
We've only got two cells!
I'm going to see the mayor about this!
- No more than five persons at any gathering! - "Five persons at any..."
But I have ten in my congregation! Nine one's expecting her fifth.
He'll try and stop that an' all!
Take the warden's name!
Here's another one no alcohol to be sold without my permission.
Ah, no, no!
That is undemocratic!
- Frazer will be in charge of permits. - I'm right behind you, Captain!
Now...when you have shouted these messages around, report back.
- My HQ will be in the town hall. - Why the town hall?
Because he who holds the town hall, holds Walmington-on-Sea!
Right, come along men! We march on the town hall!
Left! Left! Left!
Left! Left!
Mr Godfrey, I don't know how much more I can take
hanging here with my head in a gate!
You must be brave, Frank, and hang on as long as you can!
Somebody had better do something soon!
Ever so soon!
I quite appreciate how you feel!
You have my most sincere sympathies!
No baths without a permit!
- No baths without a permit! - Yes, all right, Jones, you can stop it now. We're here, you see!
I never knew you had such a loud voice!
Uncle Arthur! Have you thought how to get me out?
Frank, will you stop moaning! I promise you, I'm working on it!
Ooh, er...
..excuse me.
What are you doing out at this time, Mr Bluett?
Well, I was going to have a bath,
and, er, I got one foot in...
..and I heard this voice telling me I had to have a permit!
I really don't think...
He must have a permit! It's what I've been shouting about!
This thing is getting ridiculous!
Make your mind up because the water's getting cold!
The trouble is that I haven't got any bath permits at the moment!
Wait a minute, hang on!
The wife gets in after me. Does she need a permit too?
No, one permit will be all right.
I hereby give you permission to take a bath.
Yours sincerely, Jack Jones, Lance Corporal.
- There you are! - Ta!
Er, who do I give it to?
Ah!
I think you'd better give it to me!
That's all right, then.
You see, I'm a very law abiding man. I like to obey the rules.
I wouldn't like to end up being punished like him!
- Well, goodnight all! - Goodnight, Mr Bluett. - Good night.
This whole thing's become a complete farce!
You're back early, sir! I thought you'd taken over the town hall!
It was closed. It doesn't open until nine in the morning.
I got a photograph of the captain at the door and the town clerk going like this!
I'll deal with him first thing in the morning!
- What about me? - Be quiet! You'll be dealt with in due course.
Captain, I think you're behaving in an undemocratic and unconstitutional manner,
and thus usurping the power of the land!
I think Frazer's absolutely right.
You can't shout at people and threaten to shoot them! You're behaving like a dictator!
I'm simply asking people to do as they're told!
Permission to speak, sir?
You are within your rights to uslurp the power of the land and carry out the coup de tart.
Thank you.
Someone has to take over in this emergency. And that someone is me.
As soon as the civil powers are able to cope, I shall relinquish control.
People must knuckle down! It's for their own good!
- I'm Captain Swan. - Captain Mainwaring, how do you do?
I've come to take over control and distribution of services.
Martial law?
You could call it that. Here's a note about it.
The usual illegal assembly, looting...
I've arranged all of this. I'm in command.
Then all I've got to do is to take over from you. Where's your office?
Over there!
Thank you.
- You don't mind if I borrow your desk? - Now, look here...
This is monstrous! Monstrous!
It's unconstitutional, undemocratic, and against everything we're fighting for!
I intend to see my MP at once!
I wouldn't worry too much, sir. You'll just have to knuckle down!
It's for your own good!
Subtitles by Sarah Burleigh 1993