1 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:08,160 # Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 2 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:12,840 # If you think we're on the run? 3 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:18,120 # We are the boys who will stop your little game 4 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:22,600 # We are the boys who will make you think again 5 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:27,600 # Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 6 00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:32,640 # If you think old England's done? 7 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:37,280 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21 8 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:42,080 # But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun 9 00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:47,080 # So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 10 00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:51,280 # If you think old England's done? # 11 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:03,560 I ain't half hungry, Mr Jones! 12 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:09,080 You're always hungry! I'll finish this off and we'll report back. 13 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:13,320 - They're nice pears, aren't they? - Mm. 14 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:18,320 Do you think we'll ever have bananas again? 15 00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,520 Of course, when the war's over. 16 00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:21,680 Mm. 17 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,840 I used to love bananas and cream. 18 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:28,800 I used to mash 'em all up lots of cream and sugar. 19 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:33,440 I'd squeeze a mouthful through the gaps in my teeth. 20 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:40,120 Do you like squeezing bananas through your teeth? 21 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:44,760 No. I don't mind blancmange. 22 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:46,160 Jelly? 23 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:52,960 Jelly's all right. But not bananas, not with this upper set. It's too risky! 24 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,200 And chocolate cream? 25 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,720 Lovely! 26 00:01:56,760 --> 00:02:00,280 And talking of that, I'll tell you something 27 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:03,800 reminds me of when I was in the Boer War. 28 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,320 Christmas 1900 it was. 29 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:12,880 Queen Victoria sent all of us lads a tin box with a slab of chocolate in it. 30 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:19,040 I never touched that chocolate for 25 years. I kept it unopened for 25 years! 31 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:22,560 Right through the Boer and the First World wars. 32 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:28,560 When I went into hospital, I gave it to Charlie Higgins to look after. 33 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:32,640 - You never ate it? - I never touched it for 25 years! 34 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:37,080 Then one day I said to myself, "I fancy a bit of chocolate!" 35 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:40,200 I opened the tin. It was full of sand! 36 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:44,720 Charlie Higgins had eaten it while I was in hospital! 37 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:49,080 - But I got my revenge on him! - What did you do? 38 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:54,160 Every year, when we had the Old Comrades Association reunion, 39 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:58,440 I used to look Charlie Higgins full in the face and sing... 40 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:04,440 - # - ..Comrades, comrades, ever since we were boys 41 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:09,440 - # - Sharing each other's sorrow, sharing each other's... 42 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:10,560 - # - ..CHOCOLATE!! - # 43 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:16,480 He used to go all red and look on the ground! 44 00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:19,800 Wasn't a great rhyme, but it did the trick! 45 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:27,840 Talking about chocolate...when I was a kid, I was passing this spot with my mum and I asked for chocolate. 46 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:31,240 She said no, so do you know what I did? 47 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:37,200 I put me head through those gate bars and pretended I couldn't get it out! 48 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:42,240 - What did your mum do? - She said she was going to call the fire brigade! 49 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:45,120 I took me head out and laughed! 50 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:47,880 Then she hit me! 51 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:51,760 Kids are always getting stuck in railings! 52 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:55,160 All I did was ask for chocolate, she said no, 53 00:03:55,160 --> 00:04:00,720 so I went over to the gate and stuck me head through, that's all! 54 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,800 It's time to get back, come on! 55 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:13,440 Mr Jones! 56 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:15,880 What's up? 57 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:17,840 I'm stuck! 58 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:23,240 There's no time to play funny jokes! They'll be wondering where we are. 59 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:28,360 I'm not playing a funny joke! I can't get it out! Look, I can't get it out! 60 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:32,960 Blimey! 61 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:36,560 Ooh! Don't do that! Don't, please! 62 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:40,600 I can't understand it, it came out all right last time! 63 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:44,120 - How old were you last time? - Twelve. 64 00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:46,800 Your head's grown since then. 65 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:53,360 I didn't think heads grew! DON'T you're pulling my ears off! What are we going to do? 66 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:56,000 Twist it round and try. 67 00:04:56,000 --> 00:05:01,560 - I can't! - Go on, twist it! - Watch the spike! - Pull now! Pull, pull! 68 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:06,600 - Not that way! - Don't move the gate then! What are we going to do? 69 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:09,280 Don't panic! Don't panic! 70 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:11,800 Don't panic, I'll... 71 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,360 ..I'll, er... 72 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:18,920 ..I'll telephone that Mr Mainwaring on the telephone and, and... 73 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:21,520 ..whatever you do, don't go away. 74 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:24,440 Don't move and don't panic! 75 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:29,000 - I think you're making a big mistake, sir! - Oh, you do?! 76 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:33,440 You're asking for trouble. Why did you agree to it? 77 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:41,440 I didn't want to offend. When that editor said he wanted to do a piece on us, I jumped at the chance. 78 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:48,360 If the reporter is a temporary member of the platoon, he'll be with us all the time! 79 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:55,320 That's my idea! If he's one of us, he can write the articles from first-hand knowledge. 80 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:58,640 - Isn't that dangerous? - How do you mean? 81 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:05,800 If he's here all the time, how are you going to be able to cover up your, er...mistakes?! 82 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:12,120 I'll pretend I didn't hear that remark! 83 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,760 - KNOCK ON DOOR - Come. 84 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:22,280 - I've brought you some cocoas. They're hot. - Thank you so much. - Thank you, Frazer. Thank you. 85 00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:25,240 Your reporter fella's outside. 86 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,240 Send him in. 87 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:32,400 Captain Mainwaring, I may have said some harsh things in the past, 88 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:37,200 but I'd like to say, here and now, I admire your courage! 89 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:40,240 I don't quite understand, Frazer. 90 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:46,040 You're a very brave man to let that reporter fella watch your every move! 91 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:49,800 - You're either very brave, or else... - Or what?! 92 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,400 Nothing, sir. Nothing at all! 93 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,440 I admire you. 94 00:06:54,440 --> 00:07:01,440 All the same, I cannae help thinking you're running a terrible risk, that's all! 95 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,400 What do you think he meant by that? 96 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:06,600 I've no idea. 97 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:09,040 - KNOCK ON DOOR - Come in. 98 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:12,480 Mr Cheeseman, of the Eastbourne Gazette. 99 00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:15,680 STRONG WELSH ACCENT: Good day! 100 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:18,680 Hello. All ready to start work? 101 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:20,800 Yes, indeed! 102 00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:28,240 Good! You will be a temporary trainee recruit. Have you measured him for his uniform, Godfrey? 103 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:31,040 No, we've only one spare suit! 104 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:32,080 Oh! 105 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:34,960 Well, measure him for that! 106 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:41,760 I thought I'd call the first article, "Captain Mainwaring, Man Of Action!" 107 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:43,920 Excellent title! 108 00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:46,000 Yes, it is, sir! 109 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:49,080 It'll look awfully good in print! 110 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,360 "Man Of Action?" 111 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:56,040 No, there's no question mark after the title, Frazer. 112 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:57,560 A photograph! 113 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:03,880 Good idea! Would you like me sitting down, or standing up in a fashionable manner? 114 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,080 YOU'RE not in this! 115 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:10,920 - Right, sir. - Officers only! - Right. - Should I be working at my desk? 116 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:12,960 That's good! 117 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:17,160 Should I wear the gloves or not, do you think? 118 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:20,840 Won't it look strange, writing with gloves on?! 119 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:27,320 This pen's no good, anyway! Lend me your gold pen. 120 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:32,520 You know that I never ever lend my pen to anyone it hurts the nib! 121 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:35,680 Not to use! I only want to hold it. 122 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,320 Just keep the top on! 123 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:44,320 How can I have a photograph taken, writing with a pen with the top on?! 124 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:47,760 I think, perhaps, I should be on the telephone. 125 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:50,680 Yes! Get on the phone, that's good! 126 00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:55,640 Is there no limit to his conceit? I think he looks noble! 127 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:57,920 How's that? 128 00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:01,440 Oh, yes! Very Churchillian! Yes, indeed! 129 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:03,120 Hello! 130 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,640 Permission to speak, sir? 131 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:11,160 Jones? Get off the telephone. I'm having my photograph taken! 132 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:13,640 Is there something wrong? 133 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:20,600 No! It's just a patrol phoning in. The whole thing works like a smooth, well-oiled machine! 134 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,120 Ooh! 135 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:25,440 Jones, give me your report. 136 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:29,240 Pike's got his head caught in the park gates. 137 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:33,000 I see. 138 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:38,080 Did you hear me, sir? Pike's got his head caught in the park gates. 139 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:40,720 Good, good! Excellent! 140 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,480 Good...?! What's good about it? 141 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:47,520 I don't understand! What shall I do, Mr Mainwaring? 142 00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:50,680 Can't you remove the obstacle? 143 00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:56,440 Well, I've tried pulling, sir, but it's his ears they're in the way! 144 00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:58,480 Anything wrong? 145 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:04,360 No, nothing wrong at all. One of my patrols got hung up, that's all. 146 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:08,560 Something is exposed which shouldn't be exposed. 147 00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:10,680 Well, well! 148 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:17,320 It shouldn't be exposed, cover it up. Camouflage! I'll be along as soon as I can. 149 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:19,840 What is it that's exposed? 150 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:26,520 Don't ask questions like that in front of a civilian! I'm going to investigate. 151 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:29,880 - I'll come too! - No civilians I'm afraid. 152 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:36,480 You see, the thing which is exposed which shouldn't be exposed is highly secret. 153 00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:39,400 I'm a member of the platoon now. 154 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:45,160 - You're not a member until I've sworn you in. - Swear me in now then! 155 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:51,080 - No time for that! Stay here, I'll swear you in later. - Righto, boy! 156 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:56,440 What are you covering me up for, Mr Jones? 157 00:10:56,440 --> 00:11:03,960 It's got nothing to do with me! Mainwaring said you've got to be camouflaged! Hang on to that! 158 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:11,760 - Oi, eh! - What? - Couldn't you find a bush with no prickles on it?! - I'll go and find some. 159 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,880 Where is he? 160 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:17,680 I'm here...! I'm sorry! 161 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:19,720 Stupid boy! 162 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:26,000 - Why didn't you say that Frank had got stuck? - In front of that reporter?! 163 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,200 Why the camouflage? 164 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:33,120 - AIR RAID WARNING - Because we'd have been a laughing stock! 165 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:37,080 GODFREY: There they are again! 166 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:40,120 Right, get your tin helmets on, men! 167 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:44,800 - What about me? - We must take shelter. - What about me? 168 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:48,120 Be quiet, Pike! Put your helmet on. 169 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:52,200 I could run back to the workshop and bring my hacksaw. 170 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:57,240 That'll waste time. It'll take hours. Why not get the fire brigade? 171 00:11:57,240 --> 00:12:02,560 They've more important things to do. Anyway, I don't want people to know! 172 00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:05,480 I told you to put your helmet on! 173 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:11,520 - It won't go through. - Put it sideways! - How can I see which is sideways?! 174 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:15,400 Don't you use that tone of voice to me, Pike! 175 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:18,440 Jones, help him with his helmet. 176 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,520 Yes, sir. 177 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:25,120 If we smeared Vaseline on his head, he might slip through. 178 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:30,920 That's a very good idea! Wilson, Frazer...grease Pike's head. 179 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:34,600 What are you fiddling about like that for? 180 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:38,800 - Whenever I put his helmet on, it falls off! - Give it to me! 181 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,880 Hey, that's cold! 182 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,880 All right! It's only Vaseline! 183 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:48,560 Don't just dab at it, like some Nancy-boy! Smear it in! 184 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,160 I am! 185 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:53,600 - I'm going to tell my mum about this! - Be quiet! 186 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,920 Don't be soft! 187 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:57,720 No! Eugh! 188 00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:01,760 Grab his legs and bring your full weight to bear. 189 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,520 No, not your full weight! 190 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:07,920 - Get what parts as you can. - Right, sir. 191 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,840 Ready... 192 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:11,520 ..PULL! 193 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:13,640 Me ears!! 194 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,360 It's no good. 195 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:18,360 Don't give up! Try again...PULL! 196 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:20,160 Ooh, no, no! 197 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,000 - PULL! - NO!! 198 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,040 LOUD EXPLOSION 199 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:30,000 That was too heavy for a bomb. 200 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,720 Sounded like a land mine. 201 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:36,080 I thought it was Pike's head exploding! 202 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:41,440 FRAZER: We'll have to get this boy under cover, sir! 203 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:44,040 Yes, I'm well aware of that, Frazer! 204 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:46,920 Gather round me "O" group, here. 205 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:53,920 We've got to get this boy out of the railings. Any suggestions? 206 00:13:53,920 --> 00:14:00,280 - Permission to speak, sir? - Yes. - Desperate times need desperate measures. 207 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:05,440 - The only thing stopping us getting Pike's head out is his ears. - Yes. 208 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:08,360 So I suggest we remove them. 209 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:11,880 What do you mean? 210 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,320 Cut 'em off! 211 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:16,040 Jones, for heaven's sake! 212 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:19,000 We only need to cut one off. 213 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:23,920 Don't talk rubbish! Pike can't go about without any ears! 214 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:26,800 It's better than not having a head! 215 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:32,320 Eh! Eh! You're talking about me, aren't you? What are you saying? 216 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,920 Mind your own business! 217 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:36,880 Eavesdropper! 218 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:44,320 If we lifted the gate off the hinges, we might be able to march with it back to the church hall. 219 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:53,440 Well done, Wilson! I was waiting to see who would spot that one first. Come on! 220 00:14:56,320 --> 00:15:00,120 Wh-what are you doing? What are you doing? 221 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:01,240 Eh! 222 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,280 My head! 223 00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:10,240 - When we lift, don't go up with it. Slide your head down the rails. - You should have said! - Lift! 224 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:13,320 It's coming, sir, it's coming! 225 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:16,800 - That's got it! Right... - Be careful! 226 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:23,880 Let's get back to the church hall as quick as we can and hope to goodness nobody sees us! 227 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,680 By the left, quick march! 228 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:30,320 Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! 229 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,520 Right wheel! 230 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:35,120 Right wheel! 231 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:41,560 Left, right! Left, right! Keep in step, Pike! 232 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,840 INAUDIBLE 233 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:46,320 Left, right! Left, right! 234 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:51,920 Left, right! Left, left! 235 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:53,960 Left, right! Left! 236 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,320 Down on your right. 237 00:15:56,320 --> 00:16:00,080 - Do not juggle the private! - Don't juggle me! 238 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:05,680 Stand easy. Right. Put it down gently there. 239 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:07,480 God! 240 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:12,440 - My arms have been dragged out of their sockets! - What about my head?! 241 00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:15,600 - Stop grumbling! - Yes, stop grumbling! 242 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:19,160 We cannae stand here like this all night! 243 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:25,040 - Permission to speak? - Mm. - Let's get two ropes and tie it to the beam. 244 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:29,480 Good idea. Sponge, go and get two lengths of rope. 245 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:31,720 Yes, sir. 246 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:37,960 They did that in the Sudan hang prisoners up with nothing to drink! 247 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:41,920 - I don't want that! - You'll do as you're told! 248 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:45,600 I could bring him water from time to time. 249 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:49,120 Godfrey, don't put YOUR head through! 250 00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:55,240 Heavens, what on earth's going on in the office?! 251 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:57,880 Yes, indeed! Yes, indeed! 252 00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:01,600 Oh, thank goodness you're here, Captain Mainwaring! 253 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,320 - Who's this? - Private Pike. 254 00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:06,520 How are you? 255 00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:08,040 Nice to meet you! 256 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,160 Yes, indeed! 257 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:13,360 Why is his head stuck in the gate? 258 00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:17,000 - It's highly secret! - Well, you can tell ME! 259 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:20,840 - I can't. I haven't sworn you in! - Do it now, then! 260 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:25,360 There's no time for that now! What's going on in there? 261 00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:31,960 - The chief warden is holding a meeting... - How dare he?! Wilson! We'll soon sort this out! 262 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:34,520 EXCITED TALK 263 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:40,240 - ­ Where have you been? - How dare you hold a meeting in my office?! 264 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,400 It's MY office! 265 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:47,800 - ­ - And MINE! - And MINE, and I'M holding an emergency meeting! - What emergency? 266 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,360 You mean you haven't heard?! 267 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:53,160 < Do you know these gentlemen? 268 00:17:53,160 --> 00:18:01,080 - Nice to see you! It was fun last night, wasn't it? Connie wears well, doesn't she?! - Never mind Connie! 269 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:06,560 - What's happening here? - A land mine has landed on the railway line! 270 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,480 ­ It's destroyed 100 yards of track! 271 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:12,880 Gas and water supplies have been cut off! 272 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:16,040 If they drop fire bombs, that's it! 273 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:20,680 - I'm getting on to GHQ. - The telephone lines are down too! 274 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:28,200 I've just heard no gas, no water, no telephones. The town's cut off! We're marooned, marooned! 275 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:33,000 - What are we going to do? - All right, Mr Town Clerk, don't panic! 276 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,840 Somebody must do something! 277 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,880 THEY ARGUE 278 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:45,400 - Something's got to be done! - It certainly has! 279 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:48,800 - I shall have to take charge. - I agree. 280 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:53,000 - That's the sort of remark... what?! - I quite agree. 281 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:57,280 Without you in charge, God knows what will happen! 282 00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:00,160 - Thank you, Wilson! - Not at all. 283 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:07,080 Get Frazer, Jones and Godfrey in here, at the double. Rifles and bayonets. 284 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:11,840 Frazer, Jones, Godfrey, at the double! Rifles and bayonets. 285 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,880 There we are, sir. How was that? 286 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:19,320 - I could hardly believe my ears! Is this really you?! - Yes, sir! 287 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:24,440 When the occasion demands, I can bawl and shout...just like you! 288 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:28,640 Now, Vicar... Vicar, I'm very sorry to do this... 289 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:33,240 - Jones. - Sir. - Frazer. - Yes. - Clear my desk! - Clear the desk! 290 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:36,560 How dare you threaten the vicar with a bayonet?! 291 00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:39,600 I'm threatening YOU too! Clear off! 292 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:45,040 I think we'd better humour him! Captain Mainwaring has gone mad! 293 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:47,560 Form a tight group behind me. 294 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:52,080 In a tight group, behind the Captain, at the double! 295 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,560 Are you all right, sir? 296 00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:59,080 Not as tight as that! 297 00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:01,600 THEY CHATTER 298 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:03,880 Get their attention! 299 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:07,880 Come along, you hanged Sassenachs! Come along! 300 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:11,760 - All right! - All right, Frazer, that's enough! 301 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:16,320 Captain Mainwaring would like to make an announcement. 302 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:20,120 As from now, this town is under martial law. 303 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:22,880 ALL: Martial law?! Meaning? 304 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,880 I'm in charge! 305 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:30,040 ­ He's been leading up to this for years and now he's finally done it! 306 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:33,080 You won't get away with it, Napoleon! 307 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,760 Inspector, arrest that man! 308 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:40,320 Captain Mainwaring, you really can't do this, you know! 309 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:47,040 If anyone should take charge, the police should! Anyway, where's your authority? 310 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:51,120 There's my symbol of authority! 311 00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:55,600 And I have 15 fully-armed men behind me! What have you got? 312 00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:59,640 Well, there's me and my sergeant, two constables... 313 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:03,080 Dick and George! Dick and George! 314 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:11,200 Captain Mainwaring man of action, I'm right behind you, boy! The power of the pest, remember! 315 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,800 Thank you, Mr Cheeseman! 316 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:20,480 - Sergeant Wilson, bring some paper and pencils. - Right. - The rest of you, follow me! 317 00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:23,360 Pay attention, everybody! 318 00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:26,360 This town is now under martial law. 319 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:31,600 Stop him, we can't let him take over the town! The man's a tyrant! 320 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:34,440 < Look how he punishes his men! 321 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:36,880 No, I'm not being punished! 322 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,240 Be quiet, Pike! 323 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:41,760 Now...Wilson, Jones, Frazer! 324 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:46,600 You will take these orders, then you will get on your bicycles 325 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:50,840 and shout these messages all round the town! 326 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,360 Wilson, start getting it down. 327 00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:56,760 - This town is under martial law. - "This town..." 328 00:21:56,760 --> 00:22:00,640 - All looters will be shot on sight! - "All looters..." 329 00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:09,000 I demand that he is stopped! He's behaving like a dictator in some South American banana republic! 330 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:13,360 Does that mean we're going to have bananas again? 331 00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:19,880 There's been damage to gas and water supplies, so there is a danger of cholera. 332 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:24,760 - Drinking water must be boiled. - "Drinking water must be boiled." 333 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:31,280 - How can they boil it without gas? - That's their business! - "That's..." - No, no! 334 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:35,560 - No baths without a permit. - "No baths without a permit." 335 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:39,080 Jones, you're in charge of those permits. 336 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:41,600 - Captain... - Be quiet, Godfrey! 337 00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:46,320 - All rumour-mongerers will be imprisoned! - "All..." 338 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:49,840 - All defeatists will be imprisoned! - "All..." 339 00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:55,080 - Anyone not obeying military law... - "Anyone..." - ..will be imprisoned! 340 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:57,600 We've only got two cells! 341 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:01,120 I'm going to see the mayor about this! 342 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:06,000 - No more than five persons at any gathering! - "Five persons at any..." 343 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:12,640 But I have ten in my congregation! Nine one's expecting her fifth. 344 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:15,680 He'll try and stop that an' all! 345 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,200 Take the warden's name! 346 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:23,920 Here's another one no alcohol to be sold without my permission. 347 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:25,440 Ah, no, no! 348 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:28,000 That is undemocratic! 349 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:33,080 - Frazer will be in charge of permits. - I'm right behind you, Captain! 350 00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:40,200 Now...when you have shouted these messages around, report back. 351 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:44,200 - My HQ will be in the town hall. - Why the town hall? 352 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:48,800 Because he who holds the town hall, holds Walmington-on-Sea! 353 00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:53,520 Right, come along men! We march on the town hall! 354 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:57,360 Left! Left! Left! 355 00:23:57,360 --> 00:24:00,040 Left! Left! 356 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:07,360 Mr Godfrey, I don't know how much more I can take 357 00:24:07,360 --> 00:24:10,400 hanging here with my head in a gate! 358 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:14,920 You must be brave, Frank, and hang on as long as you can! 359 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:18,320 Somebody had better do something soon! 360 00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:20,760 Ever so soon! 361 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:24,800 I quite appreciate how you feel! 362 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:27,840 You have my most sincere sympathies! 363 00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:32,360 No baths without a permit! 364 00:24:32,360 --> 00:24:39,400 - No baths without a permit! - Yes, all right, Jones, you can stop it now. We're here, you see! 365 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:42,920 I never knew you had such a loud voice! 366 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:47,080 Uncle Arthur! Have you thought how to get me out? 367 00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:52,320 Frank, will you stop moaning! I promise you, I'm working on it! 368 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:54,520 Ooh, er... 369 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:56,560 ..excuse me. 370 00:24:56,560 --> 00:25:00,600 What are you doing out at this time, Mr Bluett? 371 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,760 Well, I was going to have a bath, 372 00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:06,280 and, er, I got one foot in... 373 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:11,200 ..and I heard this voice telling me I had to have a permit! 374 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:13,720 I really don't think... 375 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:18,200 He must have a permit! It's what I've been shouting about! 376 00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:21,360 This thing is getting ridiculous! 377 00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:25,400 Make your mind up because the water's getting cold! 378 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:30,200 The trouble is that I haven't got any bath permits at the moment! 379 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:32,720 Wait a minute, hang on! 380 00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:37,360 The wife gets in after me. Does she need a permit too? 381 00:25:37,360 --> 00:25:40,440 No, one permit will be all right. 382 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:44,240 I hereby give you permission to take a bath. 383 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:49,920 Yours sincerely, Jack Jones, Lance Corporal. 384 00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:52,640 - There you are! - Ta! 385 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:55,360 Er, who do I give it to? 386 00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:57,880 Ah! 387 00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:01,240 I think you'd better give it to me! 388 00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:04,960 That's all right, then. 389 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:10,240 You see, I'm a very law abiding man. I like to obey the rules. 390 00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:14,320 I wouldn't like to end up being punished like him! 391 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:18,480 - Well, goodnight all! - Goodnight, Mr Bluett. - Good night. 392 00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:21,960 This whole thing's become a complete farce! 393 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:26,800 You're back early, sir! I thought you'd taken over the town hall! 394 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:31,880 It was closed. It doesn't open until nine in the morning. 395 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:38,800 I got a photograph of the captain at the door and the town clerk going like this! 396 00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:42,840 I'll deal with him first thing in the morning! 397 00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:47,520 - What about me? - Be quiet! You'll be dealt with in due course. 398 00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:54,360 Captain, I think you're behaving in an undemocratic and unconstitutional manner, 399 00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:57,880 and thus usurping the power of the land! 400 00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:00,360 I think Frazer's absolutely right. 401 00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:08,240 You can't shout at people and threaten to shoot them! You're behaving like a dictator! 402 00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:12,360 I'm simply asking people to do as they're told! 403 00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:14,880 Permission to speak, sir? 404 00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:21,920 You are within your rights to uslurp the power of the land and carry out the coup de tart. 405 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:24,040 Thank you. 406 00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:30,760 Someone has to take over in this emergency. And that someone is me. 407 00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:35,840 As soon as the civil powers are able to cope, I shall relinquish control. 408 00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:40,080 People must knuckle down! It's for their own good! 409 00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:44,080 - I'm Captain Swan. - Captain Mainwaring, how do you do? 410 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:48,640 I've come to take over control and distribution of services. 411 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:50,600 Martial law? 412 00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:54,360 You could call it that. Here's a note about it. 413 00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:57,640 The usual illegal assembly, looting... 414 00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:01,240 I've arranged all of this. I'm in command. 415 00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:06,280 Then all I've got to do is to take over from you. Where's your office? 416 00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:08,120 Over there! 417 00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:10,160 Thank you. 418 00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:15,760 - You don't mind if I borrow your desk? - Now, look here... 419 00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:24,280 This is monstrous! Monstrous! 420 00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:30,600 It's unconstitutional, undemocratic, and against everything we're fighting for! 421 00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:33,080 I intend to see my MP at once! 422 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:38,680 I wouldn't worry too much, sir. You'll just have to knuckle down! 423 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:41,200 It's for your own good! 424 00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:37,920 Subtitles by Sarah Burleigh 1993