# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think we're on the run?
# We are the boys who will stop your little game
# We are the boys who will make you think again
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think old England's done?
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
# But he comes home each evening
# And he's ready with his gun
# So who do you think
# You are kidding, Mr Hitler
# If you think old England's done? #
Get your stuff on the van as quickly as you can.
Good afternoon, Captain. I ain't half looking forward to the exercise!
Pike. How many times have I told you not to wear that scarf on parade?
Mum made me.
She said if we're sleeping out, I'd catch cold.
In this weather? It's mid-summer!
Ah! Hello, sir.
What have you got in the suitcase?
Just a couple of rugs, and pyjamas and things.
Rugs! Pyjamas! On active service!
I never heard of anything like it in my life!
As my sergeant you're supposed to set an example of toughness.
You're supposed...
Are you wearing scent?
Scent?
- Yes! - I use eau de Cologne after shaving.
- Scent! After shaving? - Yes. - I've never heard of such a thing.
Mum likes it. She says it smells nice.
- I've never smelt it before. - I only use it at weekends. It's frightfully hard to get.
Decadent! That's your trouble. Decadent!
You'll be wearing suede shoes next!
Wash it off. You don't catch people like Frazer stinking of scent!
CHOKES
What's... What's that smell?
Just a wee drop of embalming fluid behind the ears.
It keeps the mosquitoes away.
Good afternoon, Captain Mainwaring.
What are you carrying that eiderdown for?
My sister thought it might help keep me warm.
You can't move swiftly carrying that!
He couldnae move swiftly stark naked!
- All present and correct and raring to go. - Thank you.
Just a minute.
What's that?
IN A WELSH ACCENT: That? That's so everyone knows what I do.
What do you do?
Well, WC! War Correspondent.
Get it off at once. And you can't bring that camera on parade.
- Well... - He's been taking my photo
featuring me in an article in the Gazette.
What about this for a title, now?
Corporal Jones, Battle-scarred Veteran.
It doesn't mean I'm all mangled and mingy. It means mentally scarred.
- It means you're barmy! - I am NOT barmy! Don't...
All right! We've wasted enough time.
Pay attention. Fall in. Three ranks, please.
Cheeseman! Not with the camera.
- There we are. - What shall I do with this?
- Oh, give it to me. - Right, sir.
Platoon!
Attention!
- Present and correct, sir. - Stand at ease.
For the purposes of this exercise,
we are a patrol of commandos behind enemy lines.
Our task is to rendezvous with an important secret agent,
who has been dropped by parachute.
We shall then escort the secret agent to his secret destination.
I volunteer to be that important secret agent, sir.
Thank you, but I've already decided who will be the important agent.
It's not you by any chance, is it?
Yes.
How did you know?
Just a guess.
< Mr Mainwaring?
Will you really parachute out of a plane?
Stupid boy! It's a hypothetical parachute.
I shouldn't use one of them. It's not safe!
Our task is to see we are not spotted from the air, so we shall be wearing camouflage.
GHQ, on the other hand, will be doing their best to capture our secret agent.
Who is important.
They will try to divert us from our task
with the use of counter-agents.
Now, counter-agents,
as you probably...
Wilson? WILSON!
What are you doing?
Sorry. As it's such a beautiful day, I thought that while you were chatting over there,
I'd take advantage of this glorious sun and get myself a little bit of a tan.
Mum says he's looking peaky.
How will we know who these counter-agents are?
We won't. They use all sorts of disguises.
How important are their counter-agents?
- Just important, or highly important? - It's not important.
I'm sure you're the most important.
There's nobody more important than you, Captain.
Yes, indeed!
We had an important agent in the Sudan till them fuzzies got him.
He wasn't very important after that!
I wouldn't like that to happen to you.
Tell them what happened to the Eastgate platoon last week.
- Tell them what Fruity Buckmaster told you. - Oh, yes!
Rather funny really. You see...
..the Eastgate platoon did a similar exercise.
Captain Square made himself the important secret agent.
He would! Pompous ass!
Well, they'd only been gone an hour when he was captured.
Made a complete mess of the whole thing!
Laughing and sneering at poor old Captain Square and Eastgate platoon!
Hooligans, that's what they are!
So you don't mind helping Captain Square? There's £1 each in it for us.
I'd do it for nothing! Any enemy of Mainwaring is a friend of mine!
Right, men. Get ready to move off.
Remember what Square said. We're to make sure Mainwaring's mob are spotted by that plane.
I'll put the men in the picture.
Corporal Jones.
- Sir! - Line the men up for a short brief.
Very good!
At the double! Line up for your short briefs.
Look lively!
Fall in.
Listen carefully, everybody.
Right! Do as the officer says!
All listen carefully!
The men are now listening carefully, sir.
Thank you, Jones.
I am the important secret agent. I've just been dropped by parachute.
Now, we've got to be on our guard against GHQ counter-agents.
We don't know what they look like, so we'll ignore everybody we don't know personally.
Is that clear? Right, get ready to move off.
- Left, right, left. - >
Look at those poor nuns. Their car's broken down.
Rubbish! They are obviously counter-agents disguised as nuns.
You'd think they would be more original.
Ignore those nuns, men!
But Captain, they've got women's faces!
I don't care what faces they've got. Keep going.
I say! Our car's broken down.
Could you gentlemen help us please?
- Take no notice. - Oh, please help us.
That's awfully rude, sir.
Look to your front, Wilson.
Please!
You know, Sister Mary,
since this Nazi parachute scare, life is becoming quite unbearable.
Hello! There's another of them.
- Another what? - Another counter-agent!
I bet a pound to a penny, there's a wireless receiver in that pram.
- Oh, really, sir! - I'm not taking any chances.
- Jones! - Sir.
When I give the word, surround that pram.
When he gives the order, surround the pram!
Do you want fixed bayonets, sir?
I don't think that's necessary.
NOW!
All right, lady, stand back!
- Search the pram, Wilson. - All right, sir.
Is there a wireless set in there?
If there is, the battery is leaking.
BABY CRIES
PLANE CHUGS OVERHEAD
We've got to cross into those woods without that plane spotting us.
He's coming!
Get down!
How do we know if the plane spots us, sir?
If he sees us, he'll drop bombs of yellow dye.
All clear. Right, come on!
MOTOR BECOMES LOUDER
He's coming again. Down everybody! Freeze!
Well done, men. Forward!
They haven't been spotted so far, Mr Hodges.
He soon will be! Quick, spread that sheet out!
Hurry up!
MOTOR CHUGS OVERHEAD
Turn it round!
They're over there! Over there!
There! Over there!
He can't miss! He can't miss!
I say! Wait!
There's a man calling to you, sir.
Perhaps he's a counterfeit agent.
- You're right. Take no notice, men. - Won't he draw the plane's attention?
Blessed nuisance! Down everybody. Freeze.
I must speak to you.
Well, pretend you're not talking to us.
Look! He's got officer's clothes on under that white coat.
Aye. It looks very suspicious to me.
I think he is a counterfeit agent.
- Are you listening? - Yes, get on with it. And don't look at us.
I work for an experimental laboratory run by the War Office.
We train animals for... secret war work.
A likely story (!)
What sort of animals? Monkeys, I suppose.
Yes, that's right.
One's escaped. Not really a monkey, more of...
..an ape, a gorilla. Watch out for it. It's dangerous.
- There's a loose gorilla about! Don't panic! - All right!
Oh! Oh!
Sheer rubbish!
- They might be training him to fight Germans. - Don't talk piffle, boy.
If there's a gorilla, I'll eat my hat!
Forward!
Right. Fall out for a smoke.
Start taking your camouflage off.
I'm fed up with Mainwaring making a monkey out of me!
Nobody's trying to make a monkey out of you. Shut up!
Grunt, grunt.
Ooooh!
What's the matter?
Aargh!
Keep it up, men. You're doing very well.
Captain!
I can hear voices.
Halt!
FAINT SHOUTING
There they are. Ghostly voices!
Stop rolling your eyes, Frazer.
He's right. I can hear them too. Listen!
FAINT CRIES FOR HELP
Someone is in trouble.
It could be them counterfeit agents diverting us from our purpose.
It may be a trap. Stay here. I'll see what it is.
Very well. Take Jones's section.
At the double! Around the Captain! A ring of steel! Form!
All right, all right! What are you doing?!
Making sure they can't get you while we're gone.
Help!
Oooh!
Help! Help!
Help! Help! Help!
Look, Uncle Arthur. It's only Mr Hodges and the verger.
- How dare you divert us from our purpose! - Come on, let's get back.
< Please don't leave us!
Don't leave us! There was a monster!
All 'orrible and 'airy.
DOOR CREAKS
OWL HOOTS
BABBLE OF VOICES
Here we are!
Come along!
Here we are, now. This is it.
- You should be warm and cosy here for the night. - Thank you very much.
- It was a delicious supper. - I haven't tasted bacon like that for years.
Yes, that was a real meal!
But we ought to offer some payment for it.
Well...
Goodbye and bless you!
Good night all. Sleep tight.
Hello, hello!
- Two more gentlemen to join you. - What?
What do you want, Hodges?
- We're fed up with you following us. - Go home! - With that hairy monster about?
They're up to no good!
- What's the matter with them? I've never seen Hodges grovelling like that before. - Quite disgusting!
- Let's settle down. - Yes, let's. - Uncle Arthur. >
Mum wouldn't like us sleeping here. There might be creepy-crawlies.
Don't be silly. A little spider won't do you any harm.
- Frankly, I think it's rather cosy here. - Yeah.
It's not bad at all. It's not like straw.
It's all soft and cosy, isn't it?
Straw gives off a sort of animal heat, you see.
- All right, Mr Godfrey? - Yes, thank you.
It's quite comfortable, isn't it?
Real cosy, man. Just like a feather bed.
You don't believe that story about the escaped gorilla, do you?
No truth in it at all, Mr Godfrey.
Thank you. You've been a great comfort.
That's all right, Mr Godfrey. I'm just a plain talker. Now you have a nice little rest.
- Uncle Arthur. - Mm.
What is it, Frank?
Tell me a story.
Don't be silly, Frank. You're too old for that sort of thing.
- You used to. Why have you changed? - Well, you're grown up now.
Mum says you tell her stories.
And they're always the same one!
Look, Frank. Just go to sleep, please?
- What does that boy want, Wilson. - He wants me to tell him a story.
I can't help feeling he is slightly retarded.
It's his mother. She spoils him to death.
Yes, she's been a widow for too long.
What that boy needs is the firm hand of a father.
I agree. I wish I could find somebody.
Captain Mainwaring.
Did you ever hear the story of the auld empty barn?
No.
Would you LIKE to hear the story of the auld empty barn?
Er, yes, yes.
Yes, it might put us in a good mood before we go to sleep.
Pay attention, everybody.
Private Frazer will tell us the story of the old empty barn. Carry on, Frazer.
Right... Well...
The story of the auld...
..empty barn.
Well...
..there was nothing in it.
FRAZER LAUGHS
Did you hear what I said? There was nothing in it!
For God's sake! Good night!
You know, Wilson...
..over the years that I've come to know the members of this platoon,
I've grown quite fond of them.
But I can't help feeling sometimes,
that I'm in charge of a bunch of idiots!
Mainwaring's platoon seem to be doing well.
I've got a scheme to upset them, but we haven't had much luck so far.
Don't you underrate Mainwaring.
He's got guts and he's tenacious. Where are they now?
They're sleeping in a barn...here.
Lieutenant Wood is keeping an eye on them.
Argh!
He's here, sir. Get him in, then.
Come in, old boy.
Take off that ridiculous mask!
Of all the hare-brained schemes, this takes the biscuit!
It seems to be working! And we've got the morning.
Who is the important secret agent? It's Captain Mainwaring.
You've got till eleven hundred hours to separate him from his men and capture him.
I'll capture him, if it's the last thing I do!
What time is it, Wilson?
- The time! - Oh, er...half past eight, sir.
Now, you have to deliver me,
the important secret agent,
to GHQ by eleven hundred hours.
- The map, Frazer. - I've worked out the route.
We follow this road through the wood, pick up this road, follow it across the bridge,
keep right on and that'll bring us to GHQ, sir.
But that's miles out of our way!
No, no, no.
- We want a direct route across country. - We might get lost.
- I shall use a compass. - Mm, do you think that's wise?
I AM capable of using a compass!
I take a bearing...thus.
We follow a nine four degrees bearing
and it will bring us direct to GHQ.
FRAZER: The sun's there! As plain as the nose on your face.
I may have been a few degrees out.
One hundred and eighty! We're back where we started!
- But what are we going to do? We've only got half an hour to deliver you to GHQ. - All right, Jones.
Be quiet! Be quiet!
- GHQ is only five miles by direct road. - But you won't make it in half an hour.
- We'll go in the van. - But you're not allowed to use our transport. - Ah!
- That motorbike's not ours. - But... - Wilson, please do not split hairs.
I'M the important secret agent.
There's nothing to say I can't use my own initiative.
- The others will follow in the van. Jones, get the men aboard. - Embark! Embark!
Wilson, you drive the van. Jones, come with me on the bike.
- Where do you think you're going on my motorbike?! - I'm commandeering it.
- What's this? - A hypodermic syringe.
- What on earth for? - To inject the gorilla.
- It'll put it to sleep. - Are you mad?!
He's from the RSPCA. I phoned him about the gorilla.
When you've put it to sleep, just send for us.
- He's a counterfeit agent. - I've never heard such rubbish!
If there WAS a gorilla, how would we get close enough to inject it?
That's your problem. I'm a busy man. Good luck!
Ready, sir.
- We'll go on ahead. You follow. - All right, sir.
Hodges, you can follow in the van.
Now look here, Napoleon!
You're obviously trying to ruin my chances of finishing this exercise.
And as for the story about a gorilla...!
Look, they're trying something else now.
- Where did you say GHQ was, Frazer? - Just up the road here.
Uncle Arthur, Mr Mainwaring's just gone past with a monkey on his back.
You! Come on! Move over!
Get the hypodermic and stick it in him.
Stick the syringe in the monkey. Right, sir.
Aargh!
Don't panic! Don't panic, sir!
Get back! Back!
Keep your paws up!
Now then! Now then!
- It WAS a gorilla! - I was right.
They're training it to fight Germans.
I cannae believe it! What a story for the paper!
Don't get too close! It looks fierce.
Perhaps I ought to shoot it. No, d-don't shoot!
That's odd! If gorillas come from Africa, why is he speaking English?
I AM English!
- Who are you then? - Lieutenant Wood! And it didn't work!
Thanks, ladies.
Don't mention it. It's a change to meet someone who believes we're nuns.
Congratulations, chaps. You completed the exercise.
ALL: Hooray!
- I just need a report from your secret agent. Where is he? - Over there.
# Tiptoe
# Through the tulips
# In the shadows...
# ..of your dreams. #
Subtitles by Helen Rankin, 1993