1
00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:08,520
# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

2
00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:12,360
# If you think we're on the run?

3
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:18,480
# We are the boys who will stop your little game

4
00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:23,080
# We are the boys who will make you think again

5
00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:27,960
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

6
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:31,600
# If you think old England's done?

7
00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:37,640
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

8
00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:39,880
# But he comes home each evening

9
00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:42,480
# And he's ready with his gun

10
00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:44,720
# So who do you think

11
00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:47,160
# You are kidding, Mr Hitler

12
00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:51,360
# If you think old England's done? #

13
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:58,680
Get your stuff on the van as quickly as you can.

14
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:06,600
Good afternoon, Captain. I ain't half looking forward to the exercise!

15
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:11,560
Pike. How many times have I told you not to wear that scarf on parade?

16
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,320
Mum made me.

17
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:17,600
She said if we're sleeping out, I'd catch cold.

18
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:20,360
In this weather? It's mid-summer!

19
00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:23,040
Ah! Hello, sir.

20
00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:28,040
What have you got in the suitcase?

21
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:32,160
Just a couple of rugs, and pyjamas and things.

22
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,920
Rugs! Pyjamas! On active service!

23
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:38,400
I never heard of anything like it in my life!

24
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:43,080
As my sergeant you're supposed to set an example of toughness.

25
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,160
You're supposed...

26
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,160
Are you wearing scent?

27
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:52,840
Scent?

28
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:56,680
- Yes!
- I use eau de Cologne after shaving.

29
00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:02,560
- Scent! After shaving?
- Yes.
- I've never heard of such a thing.

30
00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:05,840
Mum likes it. She says it smells nice.

31
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:12,600
- I've never smelt it before.
- I only use it at weekends. It's frightfully hard to get.

32
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:16,320
Decadent! That's your trouble. Decadent!

33
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,760
You'll be wearing suede shoes next!

34
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:26,040
Wash it off. You don't catch people like Frazer stinking of scent!

35
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,280
CHOKES

36
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,640
What's... What's that smell?

37
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:38,200
Just a wee drop of embalming fluid behind the ears.

38
00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:44,000
It keeps the mosquitoes away.

39
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,680
Good afternoon, Captain Mainwaring.

40
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:52,360
What are you carrying that eiderdown for?

41
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:56,600
My sister thought it might help keep me warm.

42
00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,880
You can't move swiftly carrying that!

43
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:03,880
He couldnae move swiftly stark naked!

44
00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:10,400
- All present and correct and raring to go.
- Thank you.

45
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,360
Just a minute.

46
00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:15,200
What's that?

47
00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:20,480
IN A WELSH ACCENT: That? That's so everyone knows what I do.

48
00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,520
What do you do?

49
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:25,640
Well, WC! War Correspondent.

50
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:31,880
Get it off at once. And you can't bring that camera on parade.

51
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:34,280
- Well...
- He's been taking my photo

52
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:38,160
featuring me in an article in the Gazette.

53
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,680
What about this for a title, now?

54
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:44,080
Corporal Jones, Battle-scarred Veteran.

55
00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:50,720
It doesn't mean I'm all mangled and mingy. It means mentally scarred.

56
00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:55,040
- It means you're barmy!
- I am NOT barmy! Don't...

57
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:58,960
All right! We've wasted enough time.

58
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,600
Pay attention. Fall in. Three ranks, please.

59
00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:05,200
Cheeseman! Not with the camera.

60
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:09,240
- There we are.
- What shall I do with this?

61
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:11,840
- Oh, give it to me.
- Right, sir.

62
00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:28,520
Platoon!

63
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,000
Attention!

64
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:35,120
- Present and correct, sir.
- Stand at ease.

65
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:40,760
For the purposes of this exercise,

66
00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:45,160
we are a patrol of commandos behind enemy lines.

67
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:49,840
Our task is to rendezvous with an important secret agent,

68
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:52,240
who has been dropped by parachute.

69
00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:56,960
We shall then escort the secret agent to his secret destination.

70
00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:01,560
I volunteer to be that important secret agent, sir.

71
00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:06,640
Thank you, but I've already decided who will be the important agent.

72
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,560
It's not you by any chance, is it?

73
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:10,920
Yes.

74
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,080
How did you know?

75
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:14,880
Just a guess.

76
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:16,720
< Mr Mainwaring?

77
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,800
Will you really parachute out of a plane?

78
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:23,960
Stupid boy! It's a hypothetical parachute.

79
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:27,240
I shouldn't use one of them. It's not safe!

80
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:34,880
Our task is to see we are not spotted from the air, so we shall be wearing camouflage.

81
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:41,720
GHQ, on the other hand, will be doing their best to capture our secret agent.

82
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,680
Who is important.

83
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:47,520
They will try to divert us from our task

84
00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:49,960
with the use of counter-agents.

85
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,320
Now, counter-agents,

86
00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:54,720
as you probably...

87
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:58,160
Wilson? WILSON!

88
00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:00,400
What are you doing?

89
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:07,200
Sorry. As it's such a beautiful day, I thought that while you were chatting over there,

90
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:13,560
I'd take advantage of this glorious sun and get myself a little bit of a tan.

91
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,880
Mum says he's looking peaky.

92
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:21,240
How will we know who these counter-agents are?

93
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:25,200
We won't. They use all sorts of disguises.

94
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:28,560
How important are their counter-agents?

95
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:33,120
- Just important, or highly important?
- It's not important.

96
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,760
I'm sure you're the most important.

97
00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:41,800
There's nobody more important than you, Captain.

98
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,240
Yes, indeed!

99
00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:49,840
We had an important agent in the Sudan  till them fuzzies got him.

100
00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:52,360
He wasn't very important after that!

101
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:58,160
I wouldn't like that to happen to you.

102
00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:02,920
Tell them what happened to the Eastgate platoon last week.

103
00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:07,440
- Tell them what Fruity Buckmaster told you.
- Oh, yes!

104
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,840
Rather funny really. You see...

105
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:13,920
..the Eastgate platoon did a similar exercise.

106
00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:18,680
Captain Square made himself the important secret agent.

107
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,120
He would! Pompous ass!

108
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:25,720
Well, they'd only been gone an hour when he was captured.

109
00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:29,000
Made a complete mess of the whole thing!

110
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:34,720
Laughing and sneering at poor old Captain Square and Eastgate platoon!

111
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,400
Hooligans, that's what they are!

112
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:42,160
So you don't mind helping Captain Square? There's £1 each in it for us.

113
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:47,640
I'd do it for nothing! Any enemy of Mainwaring is a friend of mine!

114
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:50,640
Right, men. Get ready to move off.

115
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:57,520
Remember what Square said. We're to make sure Mainwaring's mob are spotted by that plane.

116
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:01,280
I'll put the men in the picture.

117
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:03,480
Corporal Jones.

118
00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:06,640
- Sir!
- Line the men up for a short brief.

119
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,160
Very good!

120
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:12,440
At the double! Line up for your short briefs.

121
00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:14,360
Look lively!

122
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,160
Fall in.

123
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,800
Listen carefully, everybody.

124
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:24,600
Right! Do as the officer says!

125
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,880
All listen carefully!

126
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:31,240
The men are now listening carefully, sir.

127
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:33,600
Thank you, Jones.

128
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:39,040
I am the important secret agent. I've just been dropped by parachute.

129
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:44,000
Now, we've got to be on our guard against GHQ counter-agents.

130
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:50,160
We don't know what they look like, so we'll ignore everybody we don't know personally.

131
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:54,360
Is that clear? Right, get ready to move off.

132
00:08:57,400 --> 00:08:59,680
- Left, right, left.
- >

133
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:09,920
Look at those poor nuns. Their car's broken down.

134
00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:14,600
Rubbish! They are obviously counter-agents disguised as nuns.

135
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:18,120
You'd think they would be more original.

136
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:20,400
Ignore those nuns, men!

137
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:24,240
But Captain, they've got women's faces!

138
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:28,480
I don't care what faces they've got. Keep going.

139
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,120
I say! Our car's broken down.

140
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,800
Could you gentlemen help us please?

141
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:36,880
- Take no notice.
- Oh, please help us.

142
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,600
That's awfully rude, sir.

143
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:42,000
Look to your front, Wilson.

144
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,400
Please!

145
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:51,000
You know, Sister Mary,

146
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:56,960
since this Nazi parachute scare, life is becoming quite unbearable.

147
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,120
Hello! There's another of them.

148
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:03,800
- Another what?
- Another counter-agent!

149
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:08,480
I bet a pound to a penny, there's a wireless receiver in that pram.

150
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,880
- Oh, really, sir!
- I'm not taking any chances.

151
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:13,600
- Jones!
- Sir.

152
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:17,400
When I give the word, surround that pram.

153
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:21,400
When he gives the order, surround the pram!

154
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,240
Do you want fixed bayonets, sir?

155
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:27,200
I don't think that's necessary.

156
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:28,880
NOW!

157
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,240
All right, lady, stand back!

158
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:37,560
- Search the pram, Wilson.
- All right, sir.

159
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,520
Is there a wireless set in there?

160
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,120
If there is, the battery is leaking.

161
00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:48,080
BABY CRIES

162
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:52,880
PLANE CHUGS OVERHEAD

163
00:10:56,080 --> 00:11:02,040
We've got to cross into those woods without that plane spotting us.

164
00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:03,560
He's coming!

165
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,600
Get down!

166
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,320
How do we know if the plane spots us, sir?

167
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:15,520
If he sees us, he'll drop bombs of yellow dye.

168
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,720
All clear. Right, come on!

169
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:26,680
MOTOR BECOMES LOUDER

170
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:30,320
He's coming again. Down everybody! Freeze!

171
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:39,400
Well done, men. Forward!

172
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:48,840
They haven't been spotted so far, Mr Hodges.

173
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:52,920
He soon will be! Quick, spread that sheet out!

174
00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,320
Hurry up!

175
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:03,600
MOTOR CHUGS OVERHEAD

176
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,520
Turn it round!

177
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:12,160
They're over there! Over there!

178
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,680
There! Over there!

179
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:18,520
He can't miss! He can't miss!

180
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,440
I say! Wait!

181
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,960
There's a man calling to you, sir.

182
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,720
Perhaps he's a counterfeit agent.

183
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:39,760
- You're right. Take no notice, men.
- Won't he draw the plane's attention?

184
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:43,800
Blessed nuisance! Down everybody. Freeze.

185
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:46,040
I must speak to you.

186
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:49,320
Well, pretend you're not talking to us.

187
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:58,640
Look! He's got officer's clothes on under that white coat.

188
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:02,080
Aye. It looks very suspicious to me.

189
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,000
I think he is a counterfeit agent.

190
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:10,560
- Are you listening?
- Yes, get on with it. And don't look at us.

191
00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:16,400
I work for an experimental laboratory run by the War Office.

192
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:20,680
We train animals for... secret war work.

193
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:23,440
A likely story (!)

194
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,960
What sort of animals? Monkeys, I suppose.

195
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,080
Yes, that's right.

196
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:32,840
One's escaped. Not really a monkey, more of...

197
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:37,520
..an ape, a gorilla. Watch out for it. It's dangerous.

198
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:42,120
- There's a loose gorilla about! Don't panic!
- All right!

199
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:43,680
Oh! Oh!

200
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,800
Sheer rubbish!

201
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:51,320
- They might be training him to fight Germans.
- Don't talk piffle, boy.

202
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,440
If there's a gorilla, I'll eat my hat!

203
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:56,040
Forward!

204
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,840
Right. Fall out for a smoke.

205
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:16,400
Start taking your camouflage off.

206
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:20,920
I'm fed up with Mainwaring making a monkey out of me!

207
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:25,480
Nobody's trying to make a monkey out of you. Shut up!

208
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,880
Grunt, grunt.

209
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:40,680
Ooooh!

210
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,040
What's the matter?

211
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,320
Aargh!

212
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:51,120
Keep it up, men. You're doing very well.

213
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:52,960
Captain!

214
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,320
I can hear voices.

215
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:56,680
Halt!

216
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,080
FAINT SHOUTING

217
00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:01,680
There they are. Ghostly voices!

218
00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:04,200
Stop rolling your eyes, Frazer.

219
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:07,720
He's right. I can hear them too. Listen!

220
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,280
FAINT CRIES FOR HELP

221
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:12,720
Someone is in trouble.

222
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:17,360
It could be them counterfeit agents diverting us from our purpose.

223
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:21,240
It may be a trap. Stay here. I'll see what it is.

224
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:25,320
Very well. Take Jones's section.

225
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:29,800
At the double! Around the Captain! A ring of steel! Form!

226
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:35,960
All right, all right! What are you doing?!

227
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:39,680
Making sure they can't get you while we're gone.

228
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,000
Help!

229
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:42,440
Oooh!

230
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:44,120
Help! Help!

231
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:48,040
Help! Help! Help!

232
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:53,920
Look, Uncle Arthur. It's only Mr Hodges and the verger.

233
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:58,960
- How dare you divert us from our purpose!
- Come on, let's get back.

234
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:01,320
< Please don't leave us!

235
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,120
Don't leave us! There was a monster!

236
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,440
All 'orrible and 'airy.

237
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,760
DOOR CREAKS

238
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:11,880
OWL HOOTS

239
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:18,640
BABBLE OF VOICES

240
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,680
Here we are!

241
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:28,440
Come along!

242
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:32,120
Here we are, now. This is it.

243
00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:36,920
- You should be warm and cosy here for the night.
- Thank you very much.

244
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:42,360
- It was a delicious supper.
- I haven't tasted bacon like that for years.

245
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:45,680
Yes, that was a real meal!

246
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:49,560
But we ought to offer some payment for it.

247
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:51,080
Well...

248
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,960
Goodbye and bless you!

249
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:59,480
Good night all. Sleep tight.

250
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,400
Hello, hello!

251
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:06,200
- Two more gentlemen to join you.
- What?

252
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,480
What do you want, Hodges?

253
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:14,840
- We're fed up with you following us.
- Go home!
- With that hairy monster about?

254
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:17,040
They're up to no good!

255
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:24,600
- What's the matter with them? I've never seen Hodges grovelling like that before.
- Quite disgusting!

256
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:28,840
- Let's settle down.
- Yes, let's.
- Uncle Arthur. >

257
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:34,360
Mum wouldn't like us sleeping here. There might be creepy-crawlies.

258
00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:38,960
Don't be silly. A little spider won't do you any harm.

259
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:42,840
- Frankly, I think it's rather cosy here.
- Yeah.

260
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:46,600
It's not bad at all. It's not like straw.

261
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,360
It's all soft and cosy, isn't it?

262
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:54,760
Straw gives off a sort of animal heat, you see.

263
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,560
- All right, Mr Godfrey?
- Yes, thank you.

264
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:02,000
It's quite comfortable, isn't it?

265
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:05,840
Real cosy, man. Just like a feather bed.

266
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:11,240
You don't believe that story about the escaped gorilla, do you?

267
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:13,800
No truth in it at all, Mr Godfrey.

268
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:17,720
Thank you. You've been a great comfort.

269
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:23,760
That's all right, Mr Godfrey. I'm just a plain talker. Now you have a nice little rest.

270
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:30,520
- Uncle Arthur.
- Mm.

271
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:34,280
What is it, Frank?

272
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,440
Tell me a story.

273
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:41,240
Don't be silly, Frank. You're too old for that sort of thing.

274
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:47,360
- You used to. Why have you changed?
- Well, you're grown up now.

275
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,920
Mum says you tell her stories.

276
00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:53,640
And they're always the same one!

277
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:57,080
Look, Frank. Just go to sleep, please?

278
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:06,080
- What does that boy want, Wilson.
- He wants me to tell him a story.

279
00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:14,040
I can't help feeling he is slightly retarded.

280
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:17,320
It's his mother. She spoils him to death.

281
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,560
Yes, she's been a widow for too long.

282
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:25,120
What that boy needs is the firm hand of a father.

283
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:28,520
I agree. I wish I could find somebody.

284
00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:38,600
Captain Mainwaring.

285
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:45,160
Did you ever hear the story of the auld empty barn?

286
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:47,960
No.

287
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:53,440
Would you LIKE to hear the story of the auld empty barn?

288
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,000
Er, yes, yes.

289
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:02,640
Yes, it might put us in a good mood before we go to sleep.

290
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:05,040
Pay attention, everybody.

291
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:11,440
Private Frazer will tell us the story of the old empty barn. Carry on, Frazer.

292
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:14,320
Right... Well...

293
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:17,000
The story of the auld...

294
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,680
..empty barn.

295
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:23,320
Well...

296
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,800
..there was nothing in it.

297
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,320
FRAZER LAUGHS

298
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:41,800
Did you hear what I said? There was nothing in it!

299
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:45,240
For God's sake! Good night!

300
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,280
You know, Wilson...

301
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:59,320
..over the years that I've come to know the members of this platoon,

302
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:02,000
I've grown quite fond of them.

303
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:04,560
But I can't help feeling sometimes,

304
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:07,960
that I'm in charge of a bunch of idiots!

305
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:11,280
Mainwaring's platoon seem to be doing well.

306
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:16,960
I've got a scheme to upset them, but we haven't had much luck so far.

307
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,400
Don't you underrate Mainwaring.

308
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:23,920
He's got guts and he's tenacious. Where are they now?

309
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,480
They're sleeping in a barn...here.

310
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:29,800
Lieutenant Wood is keeping an eye on them.

311
00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:58,160
Argh!

312
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:03,040
He's here, sir. Get him in, then.

313
00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:05,320
Come in, old boy.

314
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:13,240
Take off that ridiculous mask!

315
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:17,800
Of all the hare-brained schemes, this takes the biscuit!

316
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:21,960
It seems to be working! And we've got the morning.

317
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:27,360
Who is the important secret agent? It's Captain Mainwaring.

318
00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:33,520
You've got till eleven hundred hours to separate him from his men and capture him.

319
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:37,760
I'll capture him, if it's the last thing I do!

320
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:41,080
What time is it, Wilson?

321
00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:44,720
- The time!
- Oh, er...half past eight, sir.

322
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,160
Now, you have to deliver me,

323
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,560
the important secret agent,

324
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:52,080
to GHQ by eleven hundred hours.

325
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:55,840
- The map, Frazer.
- I've worked out the route.

326
00:22:55,840 --> 00:23:02,280
We follow this road through the wood, pick up this road, follow it across the bridge,

327
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:06,200
keep right on and that'll bring us to GHQ, sir.

328
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:09,440
But that's miles out of our way!

329
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,520
No, no, no.

330
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:16,120
- We want a direct route across country.
- We might get lost.

331
00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:20,720
- I shall use a compass.
- Mm, do you think that's wise?

332
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:23,400
I AM capable of using a compass!

333
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:28,320
I take a bearing...thus.

334
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:31,440
We follow a nine four degrees bearing

335
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:34,760
and it will bring us direct to GHQ.

336
00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:47,520
FRAZER: The sun's there! As plain as the nose on your face.

337
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:50,040
I may have been a few degrees out.

338
00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:54,360
One hundred and eighty! We're back where we started!

339
00:23:54,360 --> 00:24:01,600
- But what are we going to do? We've only got half an hour to deliver you to GHQ.
- All right, Jones.

340
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:04,200
Be quiet! Be quiet!

341
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:12,160
- GHQ is only five miles by direct road.
- But you won't make it in half an hour.

342
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:17,720
- We'll go in the van.
- But you're not allowed to use our transport.
- Ah!

343
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:23,760
- That motorbike's not ours.
- But...
- Wilson, please do not split hairs.

344
00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:26,280
I'M the important secret agent.

345
00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:30,760
There's nothing to say I can't use my own initiative.

346
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:36,920
- The others will follow in the van. Jones, get the men aboard.
- Embark! Embark!

347
00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:41,760
Wilson, you drive the van. Jones, come with me on the bike.

348
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:58,600
- Where do you think you're going on my motorbike?!
- I'm commandeering it.

349
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,120
- What's this?
- A hypodermic syringe.

350
00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:04,320
- What on earth for?
- To inject the gorilla.

351
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:07,040
- It'll put it to sleep.
- Are you mad?!

352
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:11,400
He's from the RSPCA. I phoned him about the gorilla.

353
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:15,960
When you've put it to sleep, just send for us.

354
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:20,560
- He's a counterfeit agent.
- I've never heard such rubbish!

355
00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:25,600
If there WAS a gorilla, how would we get close enough to inject it?

356
00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:30,040
That's your problem. I'm a busy man. Good luck!

357
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:31,520
Ready, sir.

358
00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:36,120
- We'll go on ahead. You follow.
- All right, sir.

359
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:39,680
Hodges, you can follow in the van.

360
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:42,520
Now look here, Napoleon!

361
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:47,760
You're obviously trying to ruin my chances of finishing this exercise.

362
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:50,800
And as for the story about a gorilla...!

363
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:56,520
Look, they're trying something else now.

364
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:10,880
- Where did you say GHQ was, Frazer?
- Just up the road here.

365
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:25,480
Uncle Arthur, Mr Mainwaring's just gone past with a monkey on his back.

366
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:29,640
You! Come on! Move over!

367
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:35,960
Get the hypodermic and stick it in him.

368
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:40,000
Stick the syringe in the monkey. Right, sir.

369
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:49,000
Aargh!

370
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:06,080
Don't panic! Don't panic, sir!

371
00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:20,520
Get back! Back!

372
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:30,240
Keep your paws up!

373
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:32,480
Now then! Now then!

374
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:35,720
- It WAS a gorilla!
- I was right.

375
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:38,760
They're training it to fight Germans.

376
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:43,640
I cannae believe it! What a story for the paper!

377
00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:46,560
Don't get too close! It looks fierce.

378
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:50,720
Perhaps I ought to shoot it. No, d-don't shoot!

379
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:55,680
That's odd! If gorillas come from Africa, why is he speaking English?

380
00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:57,560
I AM English!

381
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:03,840
- Who are you then?
- Lieutenant Wood! And it didn't work!

382
00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:06,080
Thanks, ladies.

383
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:10,920
Don't mention it. It's a change to meet someone who believes we're nuns.

384
00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:15,040
Congratulations, chaps. You completed the exercise.

385
00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:17,560
ALL: Hooray!

386
00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:23,240
- I just need a report from your secret agent. Where is he?
- Over there.

387
00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:25,440
# Tiptoe

388
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,520
# Through the tulips

389
00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:33,520
# In the shadows...

390
00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:37,560
# ..of your dreams. #

391
00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:09,560
Subtitles by Helen Rankin, 1993