1 00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:06,440 # Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:11,680 # If you think we're on the run? 3 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:16,280 # We are the boys who will stop your little game, 4 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:21,120 # We are the boys who will make you think again, 5 00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:26,040 # 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 6 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:31,160 # If you think old England's done? 7 00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:35,880 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21, 8 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:40,640 # But he comes home each evening, And he's ready with his gun. 9 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:45,560 # So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 10 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:50,640 # If you think old England's done? # 11 00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:57,520 There it is. How do you like it? 12 00:00:57,520 --> 00:00:59,920 Much better. 13 00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:04,720 - Isn't it good? - Bigger letters wouldn't have fitted on the board. 14 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:06,760 Quite adequate. 15 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:10,920 And tall, thin letters wouldn't have been right. 16 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:12,640 Why? 17 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:20,160 I like the letters on the door to be in keeping with the person sitting at the desk inside. 18 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:24,160 So I've done little, short, fat letters. 19 00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:27,840 Thank you very much, Mr Bluett (!) 20 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:30,520 The men are ready for inspection. 21 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:36,680 I'll finish my speech later. I'm guest speaker at the Rotary Dinner. 22 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,880 How exciting. 23 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:45,120 - Are the men in good heart? - As a matter of fact, they seem a bit quiet. 24 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,680 Really? I'll soon put that right! 25 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:52,720 Now, I've been reading a book called "Great Leaders of Men". 26 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:57,760 - And, you know, there's one thing they all had in common. - Yes? 27 00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:01,440 Before a battle, they'd tell the men a joke. 28 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:04,560 We're not having a battle, are we? 29 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:10,800 We are in the front line every minute of our lives here. 30 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,440 Squad, attention! 31 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:18,200 Stand at ease! 32 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:23,080 Sorry, sir, I didn't know you'd started. 33 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:25,120 Pay attention. 34 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:32,680 In view of the long night ahead, I thought I'd cheer you up with a little anecdote. 35 00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:35,880 When I've finished, you may laugh. 36 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:38,240 How nice! 37 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:43,200 Don't anticipate it, Godfrey. Take that smile off your face. 38 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,640 Sorry, sir. 39 00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:49,680 Now, it appears that there were three Tommies - 40 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:53,720 a Welshman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman... 41 00:02:53,720 --> 00:03:01,040 Stop, Captain Mainwaring. I hope this is not another of those stupid jokes about kilts! 42 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:08,600 As a Scot I am sick and tired of hearing stupid Sassenach jokes that make a mock of us. 43 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:14,000 After all, WE don't make jokes about bowler hats! 44 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,800 Quiet, Frazer. It's nothing to do with kilts! 45 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,320 Where was I? 46 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:24,560 Er, a Welshman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman, sir. 47 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:27,960 The three Tommies were in the mess. 48 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:33,000 The Englishman said to the Scotsman, "Pass the semolina pudding." 49 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,520 And the Scotsman said, "No." 50 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:44,000 Englishman: "Why not?" Scotsman: "The regulations say, 'Never help a soldier to desert.' " 51 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:52,720 Dessert, you see... It's... Well, you can laugh! 52 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:00,960 I thought that'd cheer you up. 53 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:05,320 - That's put 'em in a good mood. - Cheered them up no end. 54 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:11,880 - When you're handling men, always know when to unbend. - I'll remember that, sir. 55 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:15,000 Sir, what happened to the Welshman? 56 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:17,960 Maybe he didn't like semolina. Ha! 57 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,880 MEN LAUGH 58 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:27,280 Permission to speak, sir. When we didn't laugh, 59 00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:33,640 - it wasn't your joke-telling, sir. - No, you told it quite well, really. 60 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,160 Oh, yes, very good it was, man. 61 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:38,960 I'll send it to Radio Fun. 62 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:43,360 They pay half a crown - five bob for good jokes. 63 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:49,080 We're just not in the mood for merry-making now, sir. 64 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:53,120 Come, come, that's not like an old soldier. 65 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:56,760 Atkins laughed, when he was chin-deep in mud! 66 00:04:56,760 --> 00:05:02,120 True. We did a lot of laughing in the mud in the last war. 67 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,640 Except when we got shot! 68 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:09,000 But tonight is different, sir. 69 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:16,680 There was an incident last night, and we'd like to take you somewhere private and reveal something, sir. 70 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:22,440 Surely it'll be soon enough after the parade, won't it? 71 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,960 Quite right, captain. 72 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:29,960 He's making a flagpole out of a matchstick. 73 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:35,000 And bringing YOU in will make it ten times worse! 74 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:39,800 But Capt Mainwaring's the one who'll be court-martialled. 75 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,800 What's that? Court-martialled?! 76 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:48,040 Jones's section - into the office. You'd better come too, Wilson. 77 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:52,520 Frank! What on earth have you all been doing? 78 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:56,640 - Do you promise you won't tell Mum? - Of course not. 79 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,280 Well... 80 00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:00,800 No, I can't - it's a secret. 81 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,480 Right, come along. Settle down. 82 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,960 Now, what's all this about? 83 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:17,000 Well, sir. It was cold on patrol last night, wasn't it, lads? 84 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,560 Freezing. 85 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:25,080 So I took my lads to the Horse and Groom to make sure they got some rum. 86 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,680 I know you'd have done the same. 87 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,320 You know my views on alcohol, Jones. 88 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:35,760 We'd only just got back on patrol, when Mr Cheeseman began shivering. 89 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:39,960 When you have the nadgers, you shiver all over! 90 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:49,480 I knew you wouldn't want anything to happen to a guest - especially a newspaper reporter - 91 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:54,800 so I took him to the King's Head, and he was soon as right as rain. 92 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,920 I only had one in there. 93 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:07,960 We came out and as we was passing The Goat, the landlord came out and said he'd heard rumbling below. 94 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:14,240 I sent two men down and the rest of us stood by to give them cover. 95 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,080 Whereabouts? 96 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:20,160 Two in the saloon, the rest of us in the snug. 97 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:27,360 Thank you for telling me. Providing it doesn't recur, I'll overlook it. 98 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:31,840 - Er...the man's not finished. - You mean there's more? 99 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:35,080 Well, it got a bit embarrassing. 100 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:40,240 - In that case you don't want to hear about it, sir. - I DO! Go on. 101 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:44,760 It was I, sir. I'm afraid I...became rather embarrassing. 102 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,160 YOU, Godfrey?! 103 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:53,800 I'm afraid so, sir. I started to sing...rather raucously. 104 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:56,720 It was a song about a monk. 105 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:02,760 Well, as long as it was a religious song. 106 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:08,640 This one was not religious. It was a monk of high renown. 107 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:11,720 I see. Go on. 108 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:15,360 I didn't realise monks were like that... 109 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:18,760 All right! Just stop it, stop it! 110 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:25,240 I knew you wouldn't have approved, so we took him inside to sober up. 111 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:27,760 Inside the Red Lion, that was. 112 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:35,760 But while he was sobering up, we had hardly anything to drink, sir, hardly anything. 113 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:39,360 It was later that it got embarrassing. 114 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:43,360 - Are you sure you want to hear, sir? - Be quiet, Wilson. 115 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:48,760 A man came and said he could hear something happening in a haystack. 116 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:52,840 I said jokingly, "Lots of things happen in haystacks!" 117 00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:57,880 Aye, like Bronwen Jones who used to wash the glasses on Saturdays. 118 00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:02,920 She was always in a haystack. They called her "Welcome in the Valley"! 119 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,960 Cheeseman, quiet, for heaven's sake. 120 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:12,840 Then I remembered I was a soldier and that it was my duty to go out and investigate. 121 00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:15,280 I'm glad someone had some sense. 122 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:19,800 I sobered up quick as a flash - not that I was drunk. 123 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:27,840 But the thought of meeting a huge, parachuting German paratrooper, sir, possibly disguised as a nun, 124 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:30,400 sent a cold shiver down my spine. 125 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:36,480 But we rallied and went out into the murky night with fixed bayonets. 126 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:42,520 I wasn't at all scared. Gin and cider and whisky must give you courage... 127 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:45,560 Shut up, you fool! 128 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:49,520 Near the haystack, something fluttered up. 129 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:54,560 I was very alert by now, sir, and my reflections was very good. 130 00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:57,880 So I raised my rifle and shot it! 131 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:01,360 What? You didn't shoot Bronwen Jones?! 132 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,680 No, a turkey - it's plucked now. 133 00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:10,720 I can hardly believe my ears. 134 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:14,600 My platoon on a rampage from pub to pub! 135 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:18,640 It's like the stories by that chap on the wireless. 136 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,680 Rob Wilton? 137 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:23,400 "The day war broke out, my wife..." 138 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,240 Pike! Be quiet! 139 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:29,280 You should all be on a charge. 140 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:34,600 And you're getting too cheeky, boy. I'll speak to your mother about you. 141 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,840 That's unfair. 142 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:43,480 I'm being victimised. Why don't you have a word with Mr Jones's mother? 143 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:47,400 Leave her out of this. She's gone to another place. 144 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:50,840 Sorry, Mr Jones. 145 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:52,320 Angmering. 146 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:57,040 How many people know about this? 147 00:10:57,040 --> 00:11:01,960 - Not many - she didn't know many... - I don't mean your mother! 148 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,000 The rampage! 149 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:11,160 Nobody knows but us, sir. I say we should eat the turkey and hold our tongues. 150 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:18,480 Oh, no. There's only one place that turkey could belong - the North Barrington Turkey Farm. 151 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:24,360 You must apologise to Mr Boggis, and you're to pay for that bird. 152 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:28,120 TURKEYS GOBBLE 153 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:37,480 I say! 154 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:41,280 - Is Mr Boggis about? - It's Wednesday! 155 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:45,200 - What did he say? - He said, "It's Wednesday." 156 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:48,920 (I'll humour him.) Where is your master? 157 00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:52,920 - I said it's Wednesday! - (The man's obviously a fool.) 158 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:56,720 - It's Wednesday. - Not you, too! - Market day. 159 00:11:56,720 --> 00:12:00,560 - Has he gone to market? - Yes, it's Wednesday. 160 00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:05,040 (This is getting us nowhere.) Have you lost a turkey? 161 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:08,640 Hard to say, isn't it? 162 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:13,680 My men have accidentally killed one. We think it must be from here. 163 00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:18,680 We'd like to pay for it. Will you give this money to Mr Boggis, 164 00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:25,520 - and ask him to accept our apology? - Oh, no. It might not be his turkey. 165 00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:28,800 Nobody else has them. It must be yours. 166 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:33,400 Mr Boggis would want to be sure one of ours was missing. 167 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:36,720 - How many should there be? - 210. 168 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:40,640 One, two, three, four... Keep still! 169 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,200 That's no good, it'll take years. 170 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:47,240 - We could count 30 each. - Good idea, Pike. 171 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:51,480 Listen, everybody. Count 30 turkeys each, right? 172 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:55,720 THEY ALL COUNT 173 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,760 HE COUNTS FRANTICALLY 174 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:03,720 Five, ten, fifteen, twenty... Oh! It'll no' work at all! 175 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:08,600 Wilson, you're part of this platoon, too! 176 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:15,400 - How do we know we're not counting the same turkeys? - Took you a long time to spot that! 177 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:22,080 Why don't we put a dab of paint on each turkey as we count? 178 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:25,880 Mr Boggis don't like people painting his turkeys! 179 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:31,160 Capt Mainwaring, my sister has lots of hoopla rings from the church fete. 180 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:36,560 - We could put one on each turkey as we counted. - Good idea, Godfrey. 181 00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:39,760 - Shall I fetch them? - Yes, run along. 182 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:47,320 Now, men, you each have 42 rings. 183 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:53,480 On the command "Move", you're to place a ring over the turkey's head. 184 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:58,920 If there's ring left over, we know there's a turkey missing. Move. 185 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:09,600 TURKEYS SQUAWK MADLY 186 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:24,960 Give us a ring. 187 00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:41,160 I...I say! Don't do that! 188 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:47,360 Mr Mainwaring, all their heads are down, so we can't put the rings on! 189 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:51,400 We'll have to wait until the turkeys finish lunch. 190 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:58,400 Well, all the rings were used up, so it didn't come from there. 191 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:01,840 - The point is what do we do next? - Well, sir... 192 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:05,680 Jones shot it, so rightfully it belongs to him. 193 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:12,680 No. He was on duty, in one of my uniforms, with one of my rifles, firing one of my bullets. 194 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:18,200 - Do you mean YOU'RE bagging it, sir? - No, I don't - not ALL of it. 195 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:22,520 - Then, I bags it! - You can't do that - I bagged it first. 196 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,920 But you didn't use the word "bags". 197 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:30,640 Don't start that public school cheating with me! 198 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:35,000 - I bags first, that's all. - But I tell you... 199 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:38,520 - KNOCK AT DOOR - Come in! 200 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,120 Yes, what is it? 201 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:48,160 Capt Mainwaring, sir, we've had a heart-to-heart think. 202 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:53,200 We're very askanced at what we done and we've come to the conclusion... 203 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:58,280 that with our ill-gotten gains we should give the OAPs a dinner. 204 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:06,080 Do you hear that, Wilson? Our chaps came up trumps in the end. 205 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:09,920 Yes! It seems to me a very good idea. 206 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:13,480 A capital idea! It'll be a night to remember! 207 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:19,760 Wilson, I want you to form a Turkey Dinner General Purposes Committee. 208 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,280 And I bags chairman. 209 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:34,720 Now, to speed up our deliberations, I've made a list of elements needed to make a successful turkey dinner. 210 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:37,920 Trust him to make it long-winded! 211 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:42,720 First, the turkey, which Corporal Jones has provided. 212 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:46,040 Did you fix bayonets and charge(?) 213 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:50,600 Don't you start! He's a troublemaker, he is, sir. 214 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,120 Why does he have to be here at all? 215 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:58,160 He'd booked the hall tonight. You should thank him for releasing it. 216 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:02,040 Shall we have a vote of thanks, your Reverence? 217 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:05,120 Sit down or we'll be here all night! 218 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:14,320 Now, when times were different, turkey dinners would include bacon, sausages, vegetables... 219 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:19,000 roast potatoes, bread sauce, and, last of all, gravy. 220 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:24,880 Did you save the giblets? Makes lovely gravy - with a pinch of salt. 221 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:29,960 - Yes, I...I think we saved the... - 'Course I saved the giblets! 222 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,960 A vote of thanks to Mr Jones(!) 223 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:36,440 - Don't you start! - All right, all right. 224 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:38,960 Uncle Arthur...what's giblets? 225 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:47,240 Oh, Frank. It's the liver, kidneys, gizzard, and that sort of thing. 226 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:49,760 I don't want gravy made out of that. 227 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:56,080 Don't be silly, Frank. You've often had it! I wouldn't have if I'd known! 228 00:17:56,080 --> 00:18:02,120 My sister won't boil the giblets. It excites the Pekinese. 229 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:07,160 That's funny. My cat's like that with kippers. 230 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:11,080 It makes him jump around and run about... 231 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:13,760 Can we get on?! 232 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,400 Yes, I quite agree. 233 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:20,840 Let's not get tied up with giblets at this stage. 234 00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:27,640 Now, we'll select someone - a volunteer preferably - to cook the turkey. 235 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:31,680 My mum can cook anything, can't she, Uncle Arthur? 236 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:38,200 - Well, answer the boy! - Er, yes...of course she can... 237 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:43,520 Mrs Fox is the finest cook I know. Don't I always say that, Mrs Fox? 238 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:48,800 Well, you've always been very nice about my dumplings. 239 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:56,440 Let's vote on it. Those in favour of Mrs Pike cooking the turkey? 240 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:01,760 Mrs Fox? 241 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:11,840 Well, a tie. In that case, I shall give the casting vote to Mrs Fox. 242 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:16,320 That's nice, isn't it(?) You didn't put your hand up! 243 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:20,360 I...didn't want you to have all that trouble. 244 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:25,960 That's a nice way to thank you, Mum. She gave you her egg this morning! 245 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,480 Mavis, look... 246 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:31,680 Wilson, speak through the chair. 247 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:37,960 Right! Through the chair, I did not know it was Mrs Pike's egg. 248 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:41,480 Can we get on?! 249 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:45,720 Don't make it dry. My pensioners don't like it dry. 250 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:48,400 Turkey can be dry. I second that! 251 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:50,320 Be quiet! 252 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:59,160 When we was in the Sudan, we cooked an ostrich, which wasn't dry 'cos we did it in Kitchener's bath. 253 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:07,200 Next day, the general went to have a bath and said to his batman, "There's a dirty ring in my bath." 254 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:16,840 "That's not dirt, sir, it's ostrich fat," said the batman. And he got seven days' solitude for rudeness. 255 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:21,440 - It doesn't always do to tell the truth. - Yes, all right! 256 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,960 Now, what do we do next? 257 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:29,400 - Sir, stuff it! - ..What did you say, Frazer? 258 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:36,360 Stuff it, sir. You'll need to stuff it with parsley and thyme... and maybe chestnuts. 259 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:41,000 Parsley and thyme it is. Would you do that, Mrs Pike? 260 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:44,040 - Of course! - Right, that's decided, then. 261 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,720 My wife makes a very tasty stuffing. 262 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:51,040 We've just asked Mrs Pike to do the stuffing. 263 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:53,840 It's not what, but WHO you know! 264 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:59,800 Bread sauce! Must have bread sauce. It makes turkey go down a treat! 265 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:03,320 Especially if it's dry. It won't be! 266 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:05,880 Mrs Fox makes beautiful bread sauce. 267 00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:10,440 Not too much onion. Onions are bad for old people. 268 00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:13,520 They get excited, like the Pekinese! 269 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:18,040 Don't be rude to Mr Godfrey! He's a very wise man. 270 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:23,920 Will Corporal Jones be there as a Home Guard or a pensioner? 271 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,480 That's it! I've had enough! 272 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:30,000 Get your coat off! Come outside! 273 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:35,040 Come on, Jones. Just ignore him. Come on, sit down. 274 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:38,040 Yes, all right, sir, all right. 275 00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:40,600 It's no good! 276 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:43,560 - No, no, Jones. - Sit down, sit down. 277 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,600 Do be careful. 278 00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:52,640 Now! With the exception of Mr Bluett, we shall all be serving. 279 00:21:52,640 --> 00:22:00,040 I'll supervise, but I shall leave a little early because I'm guest speaker at the Rotary Dinner. 280 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:05,280 - So, THAT'S why you sent your tickets back. - Quiet, Frank. 281 00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:12,320 However, we can't organise serving the bird before it's cooked, so let's not go too fast. 282 00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:16,760 Too fast?! You'll still be here when the bird's cooking! 283 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:21,960 Can we move on to the gravy? 284 00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,680 My wife makes good gravy, oh, aye! 285 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:29,920 Everything else is burnt to a cinder but you can't beat her gravy. 286 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:32,600 Life has its compensations, I say. 287 00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:36,520 Oh, Lord! ..Can we get on?! 288 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:41,280 We ARE getting on, Wilson. Mrs Cheeseman can make the gravy. 289 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,800 - Righto, boy! - Right... 290 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,280 That brings me to the vegetables. 291 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:55,640 Vegetables pose rather a bigger problem, not only on account of their availability, 292 00:22:55,640 --> 00:23:01,680 but because of the sheer bulk of material involved. We... 293 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:07,320 APPRECIATIVE MUTTERING 294 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:11,360 There you are, love. Thank you, Mr Frazer. 295 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:22,680 That's too much. It won't go round. 296 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:26,800 I calculate we have only four more to serve, sir. 297 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:32,240 - Don't splash it on my tails! - I think you're covered up enough! 298 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:37,240 There you are, boy. There's too much onion in here. 299 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:40,280 Aye, and the gravy's too thick! 300 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:46,640 I remember when I was a wee laddie on the wild, lonely Isle of Barra, 301 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:50,680 my mother made gravy that was thin and weak. 302 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:54,880 And my father would belt us regularly every night. 303 00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:59,520 But it made men of us! 304 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:04,560 Hurry up! The first ones'll finish before the last ones are served! 305 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:07,320 - Are you eating? - What if I am?! 306 00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:12,360 - It's for the old people, not you. - It was only a bit of old skin. 307 00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:15,880 This is Mr Bluett's. 308 00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:19,640 - What's wrong with it? - He wants it minced. 309 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:25,480 We haven't got a mincer here. Cut it up for him. 310 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:27,520 Yes, sir. 311 00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:31,120 They're asking about the parson's nose. 312 00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:36,640 Don't bother me with such details. I've got 32 dinners to serve. 313 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:38,560 I only asked! 314 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:44,680 Incidentally, it IS missing, but I've turned a blind eye. 315 00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:49,720 Captain Mainwaring, they're eating as soon as their plates arrive! 316 00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:52,240 It would go cold otherwise. 317 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:58,920 But before I'd even said, "For what we're about to receive", they'd all received it! 318 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:06,360 - I'm not having that. He's got all white meat. I haven't got any! - Oh, we'll soon put that right. 319 00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:11,800 - There you are. - But it's been on his plate! 320 00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:18,080 Mr Jones! Mrs Garstang wants something else - she doesn't eat turkey. 321 00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:22,760 Then she shouldn't have come to a turkey dinner! 322 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:25,800 There we are. That's the last one. 323 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:31,400 My goodness me, sir. You do look awfully smart. 324 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:39,840 Well, I AM the guest speaker. Just because there's a war on we can't drop our standards. 325 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:44,560 - Should I say a few words of welcome before I go? - Well, sir... 326 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:47,160 ..you should let them digest first. 327 00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:52,880 - Oh, no. That would make me late for the Rotary Dinner. - Oh, I see. 328 00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:59,320 - How are you getting on, Rogers? - All right. - Good. 329 00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:03,360 - Mrs Slater, enjoying yourself? - Oh, yes, thank you. 330 00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:10,320 This is no good. The gravy's got no salt in it. Hey! Some salt, please, waiter. 331 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:17,040 Mr Mainwaring, Mr McCully says he wants seconds. 332 00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:25,760 Stupid boy! Look what you've done! 333 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:31,520 I'm not stupid. Whoever put gravy on the side of the plate is stupid. 334 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:39,560 - This is the only shirt I've got! - There's some blotting paper in the office. That'll take it off. 335 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,920 I'm sorry I messed up your dicky. 336 00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:49,800 It is NOT a dicky, Pike. 337 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,320 Just you try this, sir. 338 00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:58,680 - Careful, Wilson. - There you are. Much better. You can hardly see it. 339 00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:03,720 - Oh, there's a mark on your dicky. - It is not a dicky, he said so. 340 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:06,920 Oh, well, never mind. I know! 341 00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:09,960 We'll put some enamel paint on it. 342 00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:13,840 That'll stop it from obtruding, won't it? 343 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:17,040 More gravy wanted. All right, in a minute. 344 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:23,080 - Now, do it very carefully, Jones. - There we are. That's right. 345 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:28,320 That doesn't show, now, does it? 346 00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:34,960 Really, Jones! 347 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:41,160 - Anyone got any black paint? - Ridiculous! I can't have paint all over my tails. 348 00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:43,680 I've some at home, sir. 349 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:48,200 They wouldn't fit someone as round as Mr Mainwaring. 350 00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:54,560 Why don't you pretend you've hurt your arm and wear a sling? 351 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:57,080 ­ Good idea! That'll cover it up. 352 00:27:57,080 --> 00:28:02,600 Try it, sir. It'll make you look very brave during your speech. 353 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:08,640 Yes, if you wince now and then, you'll get twice the applause. 354 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:11,680 There, nobody'll ever know! 355 00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:16,720 - You look very brave, Mr Mainwaring. - Yes, well, I'm really very cross! 356 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:21,760 However, just like our boys to show resourcefulness in an emergency. 357 00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:24,800 Help me on with my coat, Wilson. 358 00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:27,840 Good luck, sir. You look fine. 359 00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:30,880 ­ Good luck, Mr Mainwaring. 360 00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:36,160 - I'm not a stupid boy, am I? - No, I'm sorry about that, Pike. 361 00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:39,280 Where's that gravy?! 362 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:48,080 You stupid boy!