1 00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:07,640 # Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 2 00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:11,680 # If you think we're on the run? 3 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:17,520 # We are the boys who will stop your little game, 4 00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:22,360 # We are the boys who will make you think again, 5 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:27,160 # Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 6 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:32,200 # If you think old England's done? 7 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:36,760 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21, 8 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:39,320 # But he comes home each evening, 9 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:41,320 # And he's ready with his gun. 10 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:44,000 # So who do you think 11 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,920 # You are kidding, Mr Hitler, 12 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:51,480 # If you think old England's done? 13 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:56,560 I ain't half excited! 14 00:00:56,560 --> 00:01:00,480 I was so excited at tea I could hardly eat. 15 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:04,200 Mum's surprised I'm going to be a film star. 16 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:07,120 Rubbish! Rubbish! 17 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:12,600 I think I'll play my part like Ronald Colman, in that film Under Two Flags. 18 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:15,560 I might even grow a moustache! 19 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:20,520 For goodness' sake, son, hald your whisht! 20 00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:24,720 This film is never going to be shown in any cinema. 21 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:29,280 It's just a cheap training film made for the Home Guard. 22 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:33,520 In the Sudan, fighting the fuzzy-wuzzy, we had no film. 23 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:35,840 They weren't invented. 24 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:38,600 That's why we never had no film. 25 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:40,880 Men of the Home Guard, 26 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:44,720 we are facing a cunning and ruthless enemy. 27 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,680 - SCOTTISH ACCENT: - Men of the Home Guard... 28 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:58,040 I wonder which is my best side. 29 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:07,000 Perhaps it's better with the hat off. 30 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,000 Perhaps not! 31 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,440 Good evening, sir. 32 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:17,440 - Which would YOU say was my best side? - Perhaps you haven't got one. 33 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:21,640 - Really? - One side is no better than the other. 34 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:25,760 Sorry...no WORSE... They're both just the same. 35 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:27,240 All right! 36 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:31,440 I wouldn't worry. They can do wonders with make-up. 37 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:34,240 - Lipstick? Powder? - Yes! 38 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:38,600 I'm not having any of that muck on my face! 39 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:41,960 It does accentuate one's good points. 40 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:48,280 In your case, it might help to bring out the firm, craggy line of your jaw. 41 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:53,320 - Do you really think so? - Yes. - Craggy, eh? 42 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:56,520 It might also get rid of your double chin. 43 00:02:56,520 --> 00:03:02,960 Now look here, Wilson, they want men on this film, not a lot of painted nancy-boys. 44 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:07,720 I can't understand why they're not using proper actors. 45 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:11,800 Jack Buchanan would take my part awfully well. 46 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:19,160 - You rather fancy you look like Jack Buchanan, don't you? - Somebody once said, years ago... 47 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:24,640 There is no resemblance, believe me, in either speech or appearance. 48 00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:26,920 - KNOCK AT DOOR - Come in. 49 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,240 - Mr Mainwaring? - Yes, Pike? 50 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:36,360 The colonel's here, with the film people. 51 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:38,120 Ah, good. 52 00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:42,320 You know, he doesn't look like a film producer at all. 53 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:46,800 I thought he'd be in breeches, like Erich von Stroheim. 54 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,160 Stupid... 55 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:54,280 - What's the matter with your eyes? - Nothing. 56 00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:58,840 You've got dirt on your lip. Wipe it off! 57 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:05,720 Good evening, sir. 58 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:07,360 Evening. 59 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:09,800 - Permission to speak, sir? - Yes? 60 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:15,720 I fell in the men for inspection by the colonel and the film people. 61 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:17,200 Thank you. 62 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:22,160 - You did want them to be looked at by the film people? - Yes. 63 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:26,440 The platoon do look all right to be looked at? 64 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:30,840 Yes! They must get an all-round picture of the platoon. 65 00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:34,320 Very good, sir. Platoon, about turn! 66 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:36,920 About turn! 67 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,520 About turn! 68 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,240 What...? What are you doing? 69 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:48,720 - You said you wanted an all-round picture, sir. - Oh, really! Platoon, about turn! 70 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,080 Very keen, sir! 71 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:06,240 - Fall in, Pike! - Sorry! 72 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:12,080 This is the production assistant from the Crown Film Unit, Mr Forster. 73 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:15,080 Hello, squire! 74 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:19,600 This is our costume lady, Mrs Beal. Just call me Queenie. 75 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:24,720 - How d'you do? This is Sergeant Wilson. - Awfully nice to meet you. 76 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:27,800 - Oooh, hello! - Hello. 77 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:32,600 I don't understand. Why costumes? We've got our uniforms. 78 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:36,520 You won't be Home Guard. You're playing Nazis. 79 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:43,400 Nazis?! I'm not having my men blazoned across the screen in German uniform! 80 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:49,360 Don't worry, squire. All your stuff is in long shot in the distance. 81 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:54,080 - In the distance? - On screen you won't be bigger than that. 82 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:57,120 So you needn't worry about make-up! 83 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,040 - Is that it? - Yes. 84 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:04,480 The rest of the film is being made at the Gaumont British Studios. 85 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:12,640 The parts are being played by actors. Jack Hulbert's playing the captain, and Jack Buchanan the sergeant. 86 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,760 Oh! Fancy that! 87 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:19,760 Jack Buchanan playing the sergeant. Goodness me! 88 00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:24,040 Ooh, yes, I measured him for his uniform. Lovely bloke! 89 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,920 - You're a dead ringer for him! - Yes? 90 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:32,920 - Who we going to have for the officer? - Me, of course. 91 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:36,480 I'm sure you'll be an excellent German officer. 92 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:40,960 Couldn't make a worse mess than he does as a British one. 93 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,400 Measure him, Queenie. 94 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,440 All right. Get your arms up, dear. 95 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:51,440 Oooh, dear! 96 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:59,240 Oooh, I say! Ridiculous! 97 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:02,200 Oooh, I couldn't do him! Out of the question. 98 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:10,200 I just couldn't do him, dear. And look at those feet. I've never seen such tiny feet. 99 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:13,240 I ain't got no jackboots that size. 100 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,160 Tiny! He's got girl's feet. 101 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:22,640 Couldn't you have a uniform made for me? 102 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:28,560 We couldn't get one made for Conrad Veidt! There's a war on, you know. 103 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:33,400 It's like this, you see. We've got two officers' uniforms. 104 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:36,920 We've got to get the men to fit the uniforms. 105 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:39,840 Look around, Queenie. < All right. 106 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:42,520 - Can I have a word, sir? - Certainly. 107 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:50,000 I refuse to have anything further to do with this film. 108 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:54,280 Your men are playing the Nazis, and that's an order. 109 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:57,920 However, you needn't take any part in it. 110 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:01,440 - Just look after your men. - Thank you, sir. 111 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:05,880 I got your two officers, dear. This one and this one. 112 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,440 He's just like Jack Buchanan! 113 00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:15,520 He'll make a lovely officer! > 114 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:17,840 Who'll be the sergeant? 115 00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:21,120 Come on, funny-boy! Get your arms up! 116 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:26,720 SONG: # You oughta be in pictures You're wonderful to see... # 117 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:42,040 You know... I feel a right soppy twirrup 118 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:44,720 wearing this ridiculous get-up. 119 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:49,640 And Mainwaring got out of it because he couldnae be an officer. 120 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:51,720 The big jessie! 121 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:55,880 Why shouldn't he look a fool like all the rest of us? 122 00:08:55,880 --> 00:09:00,240 You don't! In that helmet you look like an eagle. 123 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,280 Rubbish! Rubbish! 124 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:10,320 General Kitchener would turn in his grave if he saw me! 125 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:13,040 He couldn't abide German uniforms. 126 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:16,880 "Hun helmets look like saucepans," he'd say. 127 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:20,400 They brought a German prisoner to him, 128 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:23,320 and he was grovelling before him. 129 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:29,280 He said, "How dare you grovel before me with that saucepan on your head? 130 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,880 "Take it off, man!" he ejaculated. 131 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:38,800 And the German, he said, "Nein, nein, mein general. I cannot, I cannot! 132 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:40,680 "It is stuck!" 133 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:44,720 "Well," said the general, in a jocular frame of mind, 134 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:49,840 "if a saucepan is on your head, you'd better go and boil your head." 135 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:52,200 He was very witty sometimes. 136 00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:19,120 Schweinhund! 137 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:27,280 Zo... 138 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:29,800 ..we are the masters now, eh? 139 00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:37,920 You have just five seconds to tell us your plans, or else it is...kaput! 140 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,520 I like being an officer, don't you? 141 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:47,080 These uniforms are awfully smart, aren't they? They do something for one. 142 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:50,840 I think we ought to strut and swagger. 143 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:55,800 - Let's practise strutting and swaggering. - That's awfully good. 144 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:58,680 - Very good. - You do it. Come on! 145 00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:02,440 I don't think so. I'm not awfully good at it. 146 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:05,080 You could do a goose-step. Go on! 147 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,120 Do a goose-step. 148 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:19,480 He's very good, no, Mainwaring? 149 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:21,000 Get up! 150 00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:30,360 I sometimes wonder where your loyalties lie, Wilson. 151 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:36,560 Really, these uniforms are so smart, don't you think? They suit any figure. 152 00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:40,960 The sooner this film nonsense is over, the better. 153 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:44,480 - Fall the men in. - Sir. Fall in, will you? 154 00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:47,880 Fall in. Three ranks. Quick as you can. 155 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:57,120 Now... 156 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,520 Fall in, Pike. 157 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,760 D'you hear what I said? Fall in! 158 00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,800 I'm an officer! 159 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,960 I'm not going to fall in with the privates. 160 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:21,600 All officers should be treated well. It's in the Geneva Convention. 161 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:26,800 If you don't stop fooling about I shall send you home. Fall in. 162 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:38,800 - Now, pay attention! - Permission to speak, sir? I want to unvolunteer to be a German sergeant. 163 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:44,440 I've always wanted these stripes, but this is too high a price to pay. 164 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:48,720 It's wrong I should have to wear this ridiculous helmet. 165 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:55,200 I appreciate your feelings, but we're under orders so we must get on with it. 166 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:59,240 Sir, my uniform has got "Burman" written on it. 167 00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:04,800 I hope it's clean. You never know where these Germans have been. 168 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:07,840 I shouldn't worry too much, Godfrey. 169 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:13,080 They're not real uniforms they're theatrical costumes. 170 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:18,080 Mr Mainwaring, how will people know that we're not real Nazis? 171 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,360 That's a good point. 172 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:23,920 The colonel has given instructions for security. 173 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:28,880 No-one must see you, so stay inside the van and I will drive. 174 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,800 You can come out now. All clear. 175 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:52,560 - GERMAN ACCENT: On the double! Move! - Stop playing the fool! 176 00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:54,760 And take that stupid thing out! 177 00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:01,720 Excuse me, sir, are you sure we're in the right place? 178 00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:06,560 - Of course I'm sure. - Shouldn't there be lights and cameras? 179 00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:12,280 These people are always late. They spend their time drinking cocktails. 180 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:15,800 - Jones! - Sir? - The men can eat their sandwiches. 181 00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:18,880 Do as you're told. Eat your sandwiches! 182 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:29,320 - Uncle Arthur, we shouldn't eat our sandwiches with them. - Why not? 183 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,600 We're officers! Let's eat them on our own. 184 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:35,600 - Don't be absurd! - < Hello, squire. 185 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:39,680 - The film has been postponed till next week. - Postponed? 186 00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:42,560 - Some bother with Jack and Cis. - Who? 187 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:47,000 - Jack Hulbert and Cicely Courtneidge. - We're filming Jack now. 188 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:52,360 Do you mean to say we've been shut in that van on a hot day, 189 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:58,480 wearing these stupid clothes, and a couple of actors decide they're no' coming? 190 00:14:58,480 --> 00:14:59,560 All right! 191 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:05,760 Jack insists on being with Cis, and Cis insists on being with Jack. 192 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:11,960 I was reading only last week that they're the happiest couple in show business. 193 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,920 I read that too. Jack's the boy, eh? 194 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:21,520 - # - The flies crawl up the window They've nothing else to do... - # - Be quiet, Jones! 195 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:26,960 We are fighting a war upon which the whole of civilisation depends! 196 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:31,800 The might of the German army is poised, ready to strike! 197 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:37,120 And you drag troops on this fools' errand, because Cis insists! 198 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:40,800 Must keep the stars happy! See you next week. 199 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,040 This is outrageous! 200 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:47,880 - I'll phone GHQ! - What a pity we can't do any shooting. - Shooting? 201 00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:52,440 Shooting. It's a sort of technical term for filming. 202 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,680 Get back on the van! 203 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,120 SONG: # You oughta be in pictures 204 00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:04,480 # You're wonderful to see You oughta be in pictures How beautiful you would be... # 205 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:24,400 This isn't a game, boy! Get inside! 206 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:34,880 # You ought to shine as brightly As Jupiter and Mars 207 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:39,480 # You oughta be in pictures My star of stars. # 208 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:44,160 Wilson, I'm going across to that phone box to ring GHQ. 209 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:50,200 - Don't get out! I don't want you to be seen! - It's like an oven in here. 210 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:54,520 Mr Godfrey's looking a bit pale. He needs fresh air. 211 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:58,720 Open the door and push his face against the crack. 212 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:12,800 - How's that? - A little better, thank you. 213 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:16,760 What about me? I want some fresh air as well! 214 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:19,600 You can't have any! Didn't you hear? 215 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,640 - No-one's got to see us. - Rubbish! 216 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:28,760 How dare you disobey orders? You've exposed us to the whole world! 217 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:32,040 - Uncle Arthur? - Yes? - That pub looks nice! 218 00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:34,560 I could do with a drink! 219 00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:38,960 So could I! But Captain Mainwaring told us to stay here. 220 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,480 He's only a Home Guard officer. 221 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:44,520 - We're German officers. - Yes! 222 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:47,400 - I suppose we are! - Come on, then! 223 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,880 Let's go. No-one will see us. 224 00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:59,400 It's all right. 225 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,840 - There's nobody here. - Good. 226 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:06,680 - We shouldn't do this! - What'll you have? - A pint! - Right. 227 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:12,480 - We'll be quick Mainwaring will be ages. - I'll order the drinks. Shop! 228 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,920 - Morning, gentlemen. - Morning. 229 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,680 Now, what can I get...? 230 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,640 Good afternoon, mein host. 231 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:35,160 Sixteen shandies mit the ginger beer. 232 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:44,360 S...s...ginger b-beer... Pints or halves? 233 00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:45,640 Pints. 234 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:49,640 Pints. The ginger beer is... 235 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:55,240 Frank, stop playing the fool. I'm tired and thirsty. 236 00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:00,160 Doris! Yes, Mr Palethorpe? 237 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:06,400 Doris, I've got 16 Nazis in the bar, and they want 16 shandies. Ginger beer! 238 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,760 It's a hot day. They're probably thirsty. 239 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:12,400 Oh. Yes, I never thought... 240 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:16,320 What are you talking about? Did you hear me?! Sssh! 241 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,320 Sixteen Nazis! In the bar! 242 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:22,080 Don't be daft! Look for yourself! 243 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:24,200 Careful. 244 00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:31,040 They're not Nazis! They're a lot of old men. 245 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:36,440 Of course! They're disguised as old men so they won't look like Nazis! 246 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:41,160 In that case, why are they wearing Nazi uniform? 247 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:42,560 What? 248 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:50,000 Get out in the village, quick! Tell the police and rouse the village. And don't make a noise! Go on! 249 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,040 Don't stand there! 250 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:55,840 Well... 251 00:19:55,840 --> 00:20:00,440 ..nice bit of weather you've brought with you, gentlemen! 252 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,400 Wilson! Jones! 253 00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:13,080 I thought so! 254 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:20,880 Wilson! What are you playing at? 255 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:27,080 - Sorry! We felt thirsty, so we had a drink. - People will think we ARE Germans! 256 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:30,800 I say, landlord! 257 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:35,840 I'm sure it seems odd to you to see everybody dressed as Germans, 258 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:40,400 but I needn't tell you that they're not really Germans. 259 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,000 No. 260 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:47,600 I wouldn't breathe a word to anyone. They might get the wrong idea. 261 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:49,880 You do understand? 262 00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:50,920 Yes. 263 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:53,840 Outside! 264 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,640 GERMAN ACCENT: Come on, everybody! 265 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,880 Into the van, fast! 266 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:05,480 Into the van. Quick, before you're seen. 267 00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:09,920 See? 268 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,040 Hey! 269 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:17,120 Don't stand there! DO something! They're escaping. 270 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:21,240 - What can - I - do? You're a constable. Arrest 'em! 271 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:26,360 All of 'em? Arrest that British officer! He's a quisling! 272 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:31,000 It's a very delicate situation. BABBLE OF VOICES 273 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:38,960 - Excuse me, sir! - Yes, what is it, officer? 274 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:43,800 - May I ask you something? - Yes? - Why have you got a vanful of Germans? 275 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:46,720 I assure you they're not Germans. 276 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,440 Schweinhund! 277 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:51,520 Get out of the way at once! N-n-n-nar! 278 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:55,240 Get inside the van. I shan't tell you again! 279 00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:57,600 Youthful high spirits! 280 00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:02,080 I'M not afraid, even if you are! Quisling! Traitor! 281 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:05,800 No, no, madam! I'm Captain Mainwaring! 282 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:10,520 - YELLING AND HAMMERING - There's someone knocking on the van! 283 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:15,480 He'll get away! Stop him! Quick, stop him! 284 00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:20,440 You've let him get away! I'll take charge! We must warn England! 285 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:23,080 They're making for Walmington-on-Sea. 286 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:28,120 Get in touch with the Home Guard. I'll call the Eastbourne police. 287 00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:33,120 Keep calm! 288 00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:37,400 It states there that I have the hall every Thursday. 289 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:39,840 Why was it given to Mainwaring? 290 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:43,360 He told me he'd spoken to you. He hadn't. 291 00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:45,280 What shall I do? 292 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:50,240 Sort that out yourself, Mr Yateman. I'm writing my sermon. 293 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:54,520 When Mainwaring gets back, I'll have a few words to say! 294 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:56,960 TELEPHONE RINGS Answer it. 295 00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,440 Hello. 296 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:02,440 Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard? They're out. 297 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:09,240 Don't go. I've got an urgent message for 'em. 16 Nazis on their way over there. 298 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:15,880 Who are you? 299 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:20,280 I'm Mr Palethorpe, the landlord of the Six Bells. 300 00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:22,640 Did you hear what I said? 301 00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:27,920 Nazis, 16 of them. They're led by a British officer, a quisling. 302 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:31,200 So tell the Home Guard, and WARN ENGLAND! 303 00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:38,200 Gor blimey! What's the matter, Mr Hodges? 304 00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:42,240 The landlord of the Six Bells has had a right skinful. 305 00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:46,200 Blabbering about Germans led by a British officer. 306 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,440 The evils of drink! 307 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:52,760 Yes, indeed, your reverence. 308 00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:55,760 - Fall out, men! - > There's Napoleon! 309 00:23:55,760 --> 00:24:00,240 I'll get the booking of this hall sorted out! Come on! 310 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:04,040 I'm writing my sermon! It's your hall! Come on. 311 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:07,960 Stop handling me! You know I can't stand it. 312 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,800 Come on, get out! And you! Go on! 313 00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,320 Germans! 314 00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:24,440 Pay attention! I know you're disappointed we couldn't do any shooting today. 315 00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:29,600 Perhaps we'll have better luck next week. 316 00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:32,360 I must stress how secret this is. 317 00:24:32,360 --> 00:24:35,480 I want no repetition of this morning. 318 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:41,920 We can't be seen in these uniforms. Hide them till they're needed for shooting. 319 00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:44,240 WHISPERS: I can't believe it! 320 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:50,520 That landlord wasn't drunk. It's Mainwaring. He's a quisling. A traitor! 321 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:52,880 Oh, no! They'll shoot us! 322 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:55,160 Yeah! They'll shoot us! 323 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:58,360 We must sound the alarm. Yes... 324 00:24:58,360 --> 00:25:00,640 The church bells! 325 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:21,440 VICAR: Now, quick, Mr Hodges, lock the door! 326 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:25,640 What peal shall we use? Stupid fellow, just ring the bells! 327 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:27,120 But... 328 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:28,880 Pull the ropes! 329 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:30,600 Quick! 330 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,920 That's all, men. 331 00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:35,720 - Dismiss. - Thank you, sir. 332 00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:39,640 BELLS PEAL DISCORDANTLY 333 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:42,520 Good heavens! It's the church bells! 334 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:46,640 - The bells! - The Germans are coming! Don't panic! 335 00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:49,760 - The Germans are coming! - Calm down! 336 00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:53,520 Somebody saw us and thought we're real Germans. 337 00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:56,480 We must stop those bells! Follow me! 338 00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:58,520 SHOUTING 339 00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:08,960 - It's locked. STOP RINGING THE BELLS! - Oi! 340 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:13,760 - WE'RE NOT REAL GERMANS! - Break it down! - Right, sir! 341 00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:17,400 They're trying to get in! HAMMERING ON DOOR 342 00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:23,160 - Stop! It's not doing any good! - They can't hear you because of the bells. 343 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:28,480 - Phone GHQ tell them it's a false alarm. - Yes, sir. 344 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:31,040 - Permission to speak, sir? - Yes. 345 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:38,120 - Why don't you shoot the lock off? - Good idea! - You might hit one of the bellringers! - Ah! 346 00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:42,080 Well done! I wondered who'd spot that first. 347 00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:48,720 - Couldn't we put a note under the door? - Good idea, Godfrey. Take a note, Jones. 348 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:51,160 A note, sir? Right, sir! 349 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:55,520 I didn't expect to have to write down anything, sir. 350 00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:57,880 - Stand clear. - Stand clear. 351 00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:02,560 - I'm shooting the lock off. - Shooting...the...lock...off. 352 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:06,440 - Yours sincerely... - No! Get it under the door. 353 00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:09,640 - Under the door. - Captain Mainwaring! 354 00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:14,200 If we shoot the lock off, WE'LL have to pay for the damage! 355 00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:16,280 Stand clear! 356 00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:23,200 - It's still locked. - INSIDE: - Just a minute, sir! 357 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:26,360 It was bolted! 358 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:32,280 - How did you get in? - Through the vestry. There's no-one here. 359 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:35,880 - Captain Mainwaring! - Yes? - Look! 360 00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:42,080 What are you doing? Come down at once! 361 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,600 You...you flipping hooligans! 362 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:47,160 - Mr Mainwaring? - Yes? 363 00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:48,920 Oooh! Hello! 364 00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:53,160 - I got through to GHQ, spoke to the brigadier. - And? 365 00:27:53,160 --> 00:28:00,920 - There was three battalions of Coldstream Guards on their way, but we stopped 'em. - Well done, Pike. 366 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:04,480 The whole of the south coast is on red alert! 367 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:09,600 The brigadier wanted to know what blithering idiot was responsible! 368 00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:13,640 So I made an appointment for you tomorrow, 10.30. 369 00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:20,320 You stupid boy! 370 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:22,200 Subtitles by Alison Berry 1993