# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think we're on the run?
# We are the boys who will stop your little game,
# We are the boys who will make you think again,
# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think old England's done?
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,
# But he comes home each evening,
# And he's ready with his gun.
# So who do you think
# You are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think old England's done?
I ain't half excited!
I was so excited at tea I could hardly eat.
Mum's surprised I'm going to be a film star.
Rubbish! Rubbish!
I think I'll play my part like Ronald Colman, in that film Under Two Flags.
I might even grow a moustache!
For goodness' sake, son, hald your whisht!
This film is never going to be shown in any cinema.
It's just a cheap training film made for the Home Guard.
In the Sudan, fighting the fuzzy-wuzzy, we had no film.
They weren't invented.
That's why we never had no film.
Men of the Home Guard,
we are facing a cunning and ruthless enemy.
- SCOTTISH ACCENT: - Men of the Home Guard...
I wonder which is my best side.
Perhaps it's better with the hat off.
Perhaps not!
Good evening, sir.
- Which would YOU say was my best side? - Perhaps you haven't got one.
- Really? - One side is no better than the other.
Sorry...no WORSE... They're both just the same.
All right!
I wouldn't worry. They can do wonders with make-up.
- Lipstick? Powder? - Yes!
I'm not having any of that muck on my face!
It does accentuate one's good points.
In your case, it might help to bring out the firm, craggy line of your jaw.
- Do you really think so? - Yes. - Craggy, eh?
It might also get rid of your double chin.
Now look here, Wilson, they want men on this film, not a lot of painted nancy-boys.
I can't understand why they're not using proper actors.
Jack Buchanan would take my part awfully well.
- You rather fancy you look like Jack Buchanan, don't you? - Somebody once said, years ago...
There is no resemblance, believe me, in either speech or appearance.
- KNOCK AT DOOR - Come in.
- Mr Mainwaring? - Yes, Pike?
The colonel's here, with the film people.
Ah, good.
You know, he doesn't look like a film producer at all.
I thought he'd be in breeches, like Erich von Stroheim.
Stupid...
- What's the matter with your eyes? - Nothing.
You've got dirt on your lip. Wipe it off!
Good evening, sir.
Evening.
- Permission to speak, sir? - Yes?
I fell in the men for inspection by the colonel and the film people.
Thank you.
- You did want them to be looked at by the film people? - Yes.
The platoon do look all right to be looked at?
Yes! They must get an all-round picture of the platoon.
Very good, sir. Platoon, about turn!
About turn!
What...? What are you doing?
- You said you wanted an all-round picture, sir. - Oh, really! Platoon, about turn!
Very keen, sir!
- Fall in, Pike! - Sorry!
This is the production assistant from the Crown Film Unit, Mr Forster.
Hello, squire!
This is our costume lady, Mrs Beal. Just call me Queenie.
- How d'you do? This is Sergeant Wilson. - Awfully nice to meet you.
- Oooh, hello! - Hello.
I don't understand. Why costumes? We've got our uniforms.
You won't be Home Guard. You're playing Nazis.
Nazis?! I'm not having my men blazoned across the screen in German uniform!
Don't worry, squire. All your stuff is in long shot in the distance.
- In the distance? - On screen you won't be bigger than that.
So you needn't worry about make-up!
- Is that it? - Yes.
The rest of the film is being made at the Gaumont British Studios.
The parts are being played by actors. Jack Hulbert's playing the captain, and Jack Buchanan the sergeant.
Oh! Fancy that!
Jack Buchanan playing the sergeant. Goodness me!
Ooh, yes, I measured him for his uniform. Lovely bloke!
- You're a dead ringer for him! - Yes?
- Who we going to have for the officer? - Me, of course.
I'm sure you'll be an excellent German officer.
Couldn't make a worse mess than he does as a British one.
Measure him, Queenie.
All right. Get your arms up, dear.
Oooh, dear!
Oooh, I say! Ridiculous!
Oooh, I couldn't do him! Out of the question.
I just couldn't do him, dear. And look at those feet. I've never seen such tiny feet.
I ain't got no jackboots that size.
Tiny! He's got girl's feet.
Couldn't you have a uniform made for me?
We couldn't get one made for Conrad Veidt! There's a war on, you know.
It's like this, you see. We've got two officers' uniforms.
We've got to get the men to fit the uniforms.
Look around, Queenie. < All right.
- Can I have a word, sir? - Certainly.
I refuse to have anything further to do with this film.
Your men are playing the Nazis, and that's an order.
However, you needn't take any part in it.
- Just look after your men. - Thank you, sir.
I got your two officers, dear. This one and this one.
He's just like Jack Buchanan!
He'll make a lovely officer! >
Who'll be the sergeant?
Come on, funny-boy! Get your arms up!
SONG: # You oughta be in pictures You're wonderful to see... #
You know... I feel a right soppy twirrup
wearing this ridiculous get-up.
And Mainwaring got out of it because he couldnae be an officer.
The big jessie!
Why shouldn't he look a fool like all the rest of us?
You don't! In that helmet you look like an eagle.
Rubbish! Rubbish!
General Kitchener would turn in his grave if he saw me!
He couldn't abide German uniforms.
"Hun helmets look like saucepans," he'd say.
They brought a German prisoner to him,
and he was grovelling before him.
He said, "How dare you grovel before me with that saucepan on your head?
"Take it off, man!" he ejaculated.
And the German, he said, "Nein, nein, mein general. I cannot, I cannot!
"It is stuck!"
"Well," said the general, in a jocular frame of mind,
"if a saucepan is on your head, you'd better go and boil your head."
He was very witty sometimes.
Schweinhund!
Zo...
..we are the masters now, eh?
You have just five seconds to tell us your plans, or else it is...kaput!
I like being an officer, don't you?
These uniforms are awfully smart, aren't they? They do something for one.
I think we ought to strut and swagger.
- Let's practise strutting and swaggering. - That's awfully good.
- Very good. - You do it. Come on!
I don't think so. I'm not awfully good at it.
You could do a goose-step. Go on!
Do a goose-step.
He's very good, no, Mainwaring?
Get up!
I sometimes wonder where your loyalties lie, Wilson.
Really, these uniforms are so smart, don't you think? They suit any figure.
The sooner this film nonsense is over, the better.
- Fall the men in. - Sir. Fall in, will you?
Fall in. Three ranks. Quick as you can.
Now...
Fall in, Pike.
D'you hear what I said? Fall in!
I'm an officer!
I'm not going to fall in with the privates.
All officers should be treated well. It's in the Geneva Convention.
If you don't stop fooling about I shall send you home. Fall in.
- Now, pay attention! - Permission to speak, sir? I want to unvolunteer to be a German sergeant.
I've always wanted these stripes, but this is too high a price to pay.
It's wrong I should have to wear this ridiculous helmet.
I appreciate your feelings, but we're under orders so we must get on with it.
Sir, my uniform has got "Burman" written on it.
I hope it's clean. You never know where these Germans have been.
I shouldn't worry too much, Godfrey.
They're not real uniforms they're theatrical costumes.
Mr Mainwaring, how will people know that we're not real Nazis?
That's a good point.
The colonel has given instructions for security.
No-one must see you, so stay inside the van and I will drive.
You can come out now. All clear.
- GERMAN ACCENT: On the double! Move! - Stop playing the fool!
And take that stupid thing out!
Excuse me, sir, are you sure we're in the right place?
- Of course I'm sure. - Shouldn't there be lights and cameras?
These people are always late. They spend their time drinking cocktails.
- Jones! - Sir? - The men can eat their sandwiches.
Do as you're told. Eat your sandwiches!
- Uncle Arthur, we shouldn't eat our sandwiches with them. - Why not?
We're officers! Let's eat them on our own.
- Don't be absurd! - < Hello, squire.
- The film has been postponed till next week. - Postponed?
- Some bother with Jack and Cis. - Who?
- Jack Hulbert and Cicely Courtneidge. - We're filming Jack now.
Do you mean to say we've been shut in that van on a hot day,
wearing these stupid clothes, and a couple of actors decide they're no' coming?
All right!
Jack insists on being with Cis, and Cis insists on being with Jack.
I was reading only last week that they're the happiest couple in show business.
I read that too. Jack's the boy, eh?
- # - The flies crawl up the window They've nothing else to do... - # - Be quiet, Jones!
We are fighting a war upon which the whole of civilisation depends!
The might of the German army is poised, ready to strike!
And you drag troops on this fools' errand, because Cis insists!
Must keep the stars happy! See you next week.
This is outrageous!
- I'll phone GHQ! - What a pity we can't do any shooting. - Shooting?
Shooting. It's a sort of technical term for filming.
Get back on the van!
SONG: # You oughta be in pictures
# You're wonderful to see You oughta be in pictures How beautiful you would be... #
This isn't a game, boy! Get inside!
# You ought to shine as brightly As Jupiter and Mars
# You oughta be in pictures My star of stars. #
Wilson, I'm going across to that phone box to ring GHQ.
- Don't get out! I don't want you to be seen! - It's like an oven in here.
Mr Godfrey's looking a bit pale. He needs fresh air.
Open the door and push his face against the crack.
- How's that? - A little better, thank you.
What about me? I want some fresh air as well!
You can't have any! Didn't you hear?
- No-one's got to see us. - Rubbish!
How dare you disobey orders? You've exposed us to the whole world!
- Uncle Arthur? - Yes? - That pub looks nice!
I could do with a drink!
So could I! But Captain Mainwaring told us to stay here.
He's only a Home Guard officer.
- We're German officers. - Yes!
- I suppose we are! - Come on, then!
Let's go. No-one will see us.
It's all right.
- There's nobody here. - Good.
- We shouldn't do this! - What'll you have? - A pint! - Right.
- We'll be quick Mainwaring will be ages. - I'll order the drinks. Shop!
- Morning, gentlemen. - Morning.
Now, what can I get...?
Good afternoon, mein host.
Sixteen shandies mit the ginger beer.
S...s...ginger b-beer... Pints or halves?
Pints.
Pints. The ginger beer is...
Frank, stop playing the fool. I'm tired and thirsty.
Doris! Yes, Mr Palethorpe?
Doris, I've got 16 Nazis in the bar, and they want 16 shandies. Ginger beer!
It's a hot day. They're probably thirsty.
Oh. Yes, I never thought...
What are you talking about? Did you hear me?! Sssh!
Sixteen Nazis! In the bar!
Don't be daft! Look for yourself!
Careful.
They're not Nazis! They're a lot of old men.
Of course! They're disguised as old men so they won't look like Nazis!
In that case, why are they wearing Nazi uniform?
What?
Get out in the village, quick! Tell the police and rouse the village. And don't make a noise! Go on!
Don't stand there!
Well...
..nice bit of weather you've brought with you, gentlemen!
Wilson! Jones!
I thought so!
Wilson! What are you playing at?
- Sorry! We felt thirsty, so we had a drink. - People will think we ARE Germans!
I say, landlord!
I'm sure it seems odd to you to see everybody dressed as Germans,
but I needn't tell you that they're not really Germans.
No.
I wouldn't breathe a word to anyone. They might get the wrong idea.
You do understand?
Yes.
Outside!
GERMAN ACCENT: Come on, everybody!
Into the van, fast!
Into the van. Quick, before you're seen.
See?
Hey!
Don't stand there! DO something! They're escaping.
- What can - I - do? You're a constable. Arrest 'em!
All of 'em? Arrest that British officer! He's a quisling!
It's a very delicate situation. BABBLE OF VOICES
- Excuse me, sir! - Yes, what is it, officer?
- May I ask you something? - Yes? - Why have you got a vanful of Germans?
I assure you they're not Germans.
Schweinhund!
Get out of the way at once! N-n-n-nar!
Get inside the van. I shan't tell you again!
Youthful high spirits!
I'M not afraid, even if you are! Quisling! Traitor!
No, no, madam! I'm Captain Mainwaring!
- YELLING AND HAMMERING - There's someone knocking on the van!
He'll get away! Stop him! Quick, stop him!
You've let him get away! I'll take charge! We must warn England!
They're making for Walmington-on-Sea.
Get in touch with the Home Guard. I'll call the Eastbourne police.
Keep calm!
It states there that I have the hall every Thursday.
Why was it given to Mainwaring?
He told me he'd spoken to you. He hadn't.
What shall I do?
Sort that out yourself, Mr Yateman. I'm writing my sermon.
When Mainwaring gets back, I'll have a few words to say!
TELEPHONE RINGS Answer it.
Hello.
Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard? They're out.
Don't go. I've got an urgent message for 'em. 16 Nazis on their way over there.
Who are you?
I'm Mr Palethorpe, the landlord of the Six Bells.
Did you hear what I said?
Nazis, 16 of them. They're led by a British officer, a quisling.
So tell the Home Guard, and WARN ENGLAND!
Gor blimey! What's the matter, Mr Hodges?
The landlord of the Six Bells has had a right skinful.
Blabbering about Germans led by a British officer.
The evils of drink!
Yes, indeed, your reverence.
- Fall out, men! - > There's Napoleon!
I'll get the booking of this hall sorted out! Come on!
I'm writing my sermon! It's your hall! Come on.
Stop handling me! You know I can't stand it.
Come on, get out! And you! Go on!
Germans!
Pay attention! I know you're disappointed we couldn't do any shooting today.
Perhaps we'll have better luck next week.
I must stress how secret this is.
I want no repetition of this morning.
We can't be seen in these uniforms. Hide them till they're needed for shooting.
WHISPERS: I can't believe it!
That landlord wasn't drunk. It's Mainwaring. He's a quisling. A traitor!
Oh, no! They'll shoot us!
Yeah! They'll shoot us!
We must sound the alarm. Yes...
The church bells!
VICAR: Now, quick, Mr Hodges, lock the door!
What peal shall we use? Stupid fellow, just ring the bells!
But...
Pull the ropes!
Quick!
That's all, men.
- Dismiss. - Thank you, sir.
BELLS PEAL DISCORDANTLY
Good heavens! It's the church bells!
- The bells! - The Germans are coming! Don't panic!
- The Germans are coming! - Calm down!
Somebody saw us and thought we're real Germans.
We must stop those bells! Follow me!
SHOUTING
- It's locked. STOP RINGING THE BELLS! - Oi!
- WE'RE NOT REAL GERMANS! - Break it down! - Right, sir!
They're trying to get in! HAMMERING ON DOOR
- Stop! It's not doing any good! - They can't hear you because of the bells.
- Phone GHQ tell them it's a false alarm. - Yes, sir.
- Permission to speak, sir? - Yes.
- Why don't you shoot the lock off? - Good idea! - You might hit one of the bellringers! - Ah!
Well done! I wondered who'd spot that first.
- Couldn't we put a note under the door? - Good idea, Godfrey. Take a note, Jones.
A note, sir? Right, sir!
I didn't expect to have to write down anything, sir.
- Stand clear. - Stand clear.
- I'm shooting the lock off. - Shooting...the...lock...off.
- Yours sincerely... - No! Get it under the door.
- Under the door. - Captain Mainwaring!
If we shoot the lock off, WE'LL have to pay for the damage!
Stand clear!
- It's still locked. - INSIDE: - Just a minute, sir!
It was bolted!
- How did you get in? - Through the vestry. There's no-one here.
- Captain Mainwaring! - Yes? - Look!
What are you doing? Come down at once!
You...you flipping hooligans!
- Mr Mainwaring? - Yes?
Oooh! Hello!
- I got through to GHQ, spoke to the brigadier. - And?
- There was three battalions of Coldstream Guards on their way, but we stopped 'em. - Well done, Pike.
The whole of the south coast is on red alert!
The brigadier wanted to know what blithering idiot was responsible!
So I made an appointment for you tomorrow, 10.30.
You stupid boy!
Subtitles by Alison Berry 1993