1 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:07,600 # Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 2 00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:10,640 # If you think we're on the run? 3 00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:17,080 # We are the boys who will stop your little game 4 00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:22,120 # We are the boys who will make you think again 5 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:27,160 # 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 6 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:30,200 # If you think old England's done? 7 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:36,360 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21 8 00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:41,400 # But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun 9 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:47,440 # So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 10 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:50,480 # If you think old England's done? # 11 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:04,000 Don't you like it, then? 12 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:08,440 Hmm...? Oh, it's lovely. Absolutely lovely. 13 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:12,880 Queued up for hours for that. 14 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:18,480 Oh, it's...it's beautiful. I'm very fond of veal and ham pie. 15 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:24,080 - The whole thing's a farce. - I dunno. I think we get on rather well. 16 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:28,320 - I'm talking about Frank. - Oh, Frank. 17 00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:32,880 It's a farce he should waste a whole day going for his medical. 18 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,680 He was bound to be called up. 19 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:39,520 But they couldn't take him with his chest. 20 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:44,200 If he goes without his scarf he gets croup and I'm up all night. 21 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:49,080 Couldn't he possibly wear his scarf underneath his uniform? 22 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:52,120 Can you see him doing that? 23 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:54,680 He's like you he won't be advised. 24 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:57,840 Like when I tried to cure his sinus. 25 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:02,880 Maybe he didn't like sleeping with a hot water bottle on his face. 26 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:07,120 There you are, then. 27 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:13,640 - What about his weak ankles? Slightest thing and over he goes. - I didn't know about that. 28 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:19,360 - Why do you think I hold ice packs on his feet? - I've often wondered. 29 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:22,440 On top of that, there's his nerves. 30 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:28,320 - That face thing of his IS quite worrying. - What face thing? 31 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:33,120 He's been doing it ever since he got his calling-up papers. 32 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:36,160 - Doing what? - Well, this, you see. 33 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:41,120 - That! - Sort of. 34 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:43,840 That's his age. All boys do that. 35 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:46,680 - Do they? - Arthur! - Mm? 36 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:49,440 Do you have to smoke during meals? 37 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:53,840 Mavis, I've practically finished it up. 38 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:58,480 You eat like a bird. Beats me where you get your energy! 39 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:03,640 < I'm back. Yoo-hoo! Oh, he's back. 40 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,200 Hello, Mum. 41 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:11,880 And about time, too. You're due on parade in ten minutes. 42 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:15,080 Sit down and don't bolt your tea. 43 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:27,080 Don't you want to know how I got on? 44 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:30,000 Take 5 minutes to decide about you. 45 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:33,040 I was there all day. 46 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,960 I passed my fit I'm A1. 47 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,440 A1? Oh, no! 48 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:41,440 For heaven's sake, don't get upset. 49 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,480 It's a mistake. I should have gone. 50 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:47,280 Did you tell them what I told you? 51 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:53,000 Yeah. They said I could be put right with exercise, air and good food. 52 00:03:53,000 --> 00:04:00,160 - Good food? I gave him my egg this morning. Tell him, Arthur. - She gave you her egg, Frank. 53 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:03,200 Thank you. 54 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:08,240 Go and see them, Arthur. They're not having my Frank for a soldier. 55 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:12,080 No. I asked to be put in the RAF. 56 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:16,840 You? In an aeroplane? You get dizzy standing on a chair. 57 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:20,880 I asked if I could be a Spitfire pilot. 58 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:24,920 They said I've to be an aircraftman first. 59 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:28,880 Think I'll be the second of the few. 60 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:36,040 Squad ten-shun! 61 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:39,240 Stand at ease. Now...Where's Jones? 62 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:41,800 He's not here. 63 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,880 Mark him absent without leave. 64 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,440 Pay attention. 65 00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:53,480 We're losing one of our loyalest platoon members Private Pike. 66 00:04:56,760 --> 00:05:01,800 Young Frank Pike has been with us since the day we were formed... 67 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:12,600 - Why does he keep doing that? - What's that, sir? 68 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:21,040 I think that's just his age, sir. All boys do it, you know. 69 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:23,640 I didn't. 70 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:27,920 Now, to mark the occasion of his departure, 71 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:30,480 I propose... 72 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:41,960 - Sorry I'm late. We had a crisis. - Yes. Well, settle down, Jones. 73 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:46,000 - Ask me what happened. - You cut your finger. 74 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:48,760 Who told you? 75 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:51,640 You've been marked absent. 76 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:56,200 I had to go to hospital. It's a hazard of my profession. 77 00:05:56,200 --> 00:06:00,680 - You're here, now. - Don't worry it's my trigger finger. 78 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:03,240 - I'm amphibious. - Oh, good. 79 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:06,280 I can still give the cold steel. 80 00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:11,160 - I can still shove it right up. - Yes, alright. That'll do, Jones. 81 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:16,320 - Where was I? - Discussing what to do with young Pike, sir. - Oh, yes. 82 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:19,560 - Leave the room. - What have I done? 83 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:24,840 We're just trying to think of ways to celebrate your departure. 84 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:27,680 Oh! Right, I'll go then. 85 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:31,680 I'll wait in here. 86 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:37,120 I'd speak to his mother about that. 87 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:42,000 Very often indicates a deep-seated disorder, you know. 88 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:46,560 As you say, the lad... he's been a very good boy. 89 00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:50,600 I suggest we have a voluntary collection. 90 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:53,280 Maximum sixpence. 91 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,720 Couldn't we buy a pen knife? 92 00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:00,280 I had one when I was his age. 93 00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:02,880 I used to whittle. 94 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,440 Did you? 95 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:12,120 - What do YOU think, Wilson? - Well, sir, I know Pike pretty well. 96 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:16,240 He knows his mother pretty well, too. 97 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:19,400 Let's not get personal about this. 98 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:24,440 It's very nice of Sergeant Wilson to look after Mrs Pike. 99 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:27,720 He's a true gentleman. 100 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:31,760 Our officer looked after three ladies. 101 00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:35,040 He was a gentleman. Not very true. 102 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:39,080 - You had a suggestion, Wilson. - Yes, sir. 103 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,640 I happen to know what Pike likes 104 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:46,680 and I think it would be a good idea to give him a celebration supper. 105 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,720 Fish and chips at the restaurant. 106 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,840 Capital idea. What do you think? 107 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:56,840 - ALL EXPRESS APPROVAL - Come in, Pike. 108 00:07:56,840 --> 00:08:01,000 We've decided on your surprise farewell. 109 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:05,040 Oh, good. I like fish and chips. 110 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:14,600 # You would never hear me complain If I had you... # 111 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:19,640 DRONE OF AEROPLANE Is that one of theirs or ours? 112 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:24,200 One of theirs. You can tell by the coming and going hum. 113 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:26,240 Mmm... 114 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:28,280 Mmm... 115 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:30,320 Mmm... 116 00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:34,880 Makes the back of your neck go all goosey, doesn't it? 117 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:39,440 Here, Pikey. You're not worried about joining up, are you? 118 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:42,000 No, not really. 119 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:46,560 You don't want to worry about it. Not in these modern times. 120 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:50,080 - I'll never forget when - I - joined up. 121 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:54,840 They shaved my hair off and washed me with carbolic. 122 00:08:56,320 --> 00:09:00,360 They gave me a big basin of cold, fatty soup, 123 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:04,720 a horse blanket, and I cried myself to sleep. 124 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:07,280 Did you? 125 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,480 It's different now. 126 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:17,040 I expect. 127 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:20,080 - Yeah, I expect it is. - Yeah. 128 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:25,120 - One thing won't have changed the comradeship. - No, it won't. 129 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:30,160 - You've got to learn comradeship, Pikey boy. - Yeah, I'll have to. 130 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:35,200 If someone nicks your kit, make sure you nick someone else's. 131 00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:39,600 Be first in the queue when the grub's up, 132 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:44,160 then you gobble it up quick and go round a second time. 133 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:47,200 Never volunteer look after No.1. 134 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:52,040 Someone drops you in it make sure you drop THEM in it. 135 00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:55,920 Best part of the army is comradeship. 136 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:57,960 Yeah. 137 00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:01,000 Looking forward to that. 138 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:12,360 - The blood donor people have the hall for two days. - His reverence has agreed. 139 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,920 Mr Mainwaring is aware of that. 140 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:19,960 Blood's very important at this time and I want to get a good turn out. 141 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:24,080 So how much of the stuff can you manage? 142 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,880 Not personally... 143 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:31,200 But, eh...as a group? 144 00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:35,760 There's the whole of the platoon and their relations... 145 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:40,360 - Put us down for fifty. - Fifty pints? That's rather a lot, isn't it? 146 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:43,400 What? There's 20 in the platoon. 147 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:46,160 We only need another 30. 148 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:50,280 Hello, Napoleon. This a mothers' meeting? 149 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:53,480 Don't barge into my office. 150 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,240 It's my office as well. 151 00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:59,280 First and foremost it is MY office. 152 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:06,320 You've told him, have you? The warden's group will do their donoring on the first day. 153 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:11,360 And they give a certificate to each group to put on the wall. 154 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:17,400 It's sort of parchment like... with a red seal and a bit of ribbon. 155 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,960 They look very nice. 156 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,520 My certificate will go on that wall. 157 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:25,600 "Warden Hodges' group 50 pints." 158 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:30,640 My certificate will be above it. "George Mainwaring 100 pints." 159 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:35,400 - Aren't you being a bit hasty? - Just leave this to me, Wilson. 160 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:39,080 - Where'll you get it? - Where will you? 161 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:43,520 Through my shop. Anyone signs on gets some onions. 162 00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:47,640 If that's so, Jones can give sausages. 163 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:52,200 - They're rationed. - Well, dripping or something. 164 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:54,880 But my people won't need bribing. 165 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:58,920 My congregation will be behind this scheme 166 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:03,960 - and I will divide them equally between you both. - That's three each. 167 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:09,040 And toss up for the organist. 168 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:17,280 - Now, Pike. You ever suffered from jaundice? - No. 169 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:19,760 I get croup. 170 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:21,800 Mum says my ankles are wonky. 171 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:26,360 Whenever I stand on anything I get a bit verdigris. 172 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:29,400 Apart from that I'm fit as a fiddle. 173 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:34,280 - Pike's a donor. - Right. - That'll do. 174 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:39,320 - What's the score? - Godfrey, Jones and Frazer, that's three. 175 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:45,880 Four, five, six, seven, eight... nine not eligible because they're over age. 176 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:49,440 Jaundice two. One on pills. 177 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:54,680 Godfrey's on pills, so that's twice you can't have him. 178 00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:59,040 Only count them once or we'll get in a mess. 179 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:03,080 Alright. Two with colds, and...Oh, Lor'. 180 00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:07,640 - Private Elgood. - Elgood? - Yes, he's the one who's...who's... 181 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,680 What? 182 00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:14,120 Oh, dear. 183 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:19,600 - That leaves you, me and Pike. - Yes. 184 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:24,640 Well, I'm afraid you're going to have to count me out, sir. 185 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:28,800 - Why's that? - I'm a little bit anaemic. 186 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,680 Absolute rubbish! 187 00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:34,720 No. I had a word with my doctor, 188 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:39,720 and he said far from giving it, I ought to be having it. 189 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:44,000 You're trying to wriggle out of it. 190 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:48,040 Not at all. I've often been a donor. 191 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:53,200 Maybe I'm a bit run down. Perhaps I've been overdoing things lately. 192 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:57,680 You've never overdone anything while I'VE been about. 193 00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:04,240 The fact remains you're still very short of your target 98 pints short! 194 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:09,480 - It's a disaster. - Yes, well, I did warn you not to be too hasty. 195 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:13,520 Desperate times call for desperate doings. 196 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,560 Why can't we falsicate our ages? 197 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:21,160 I'm sure we'd pass for 65. Some of us. 198 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:26,960 - Ye-es. - I couldn't be party to anything like that. 199 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:32,000 - But, eh...what a marvellous spirit. - Indeed, sir. Absolutely marvellous. 200 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:36,040 - I'm going to talk to the men. - Are you? 201 00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:40,080 - Help me on to this form. - Of course. 202 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,640 Alright, sir? 203 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:45,280 Alright. I'm perfectly alright. 204 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:50,320 The officer wants your attention. Pay attention to the officer. 205 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:54,400 - They're paying attention. - Thank you. 206 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:57,480 Shall we stand to attention? 207 00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,720 - No, don't bother. - No, don't bother. 208 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:05,760 Now...the platoon is facing a crisis. 209 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:08,800 I won't conceal the facts. 210 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:13,960 - We are falling short of our target. - 98 pints short. 211 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,760 Never mind about the details. 212 00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:21,800 We've had dark times before, but we have always triumphed. 213 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,840 And, it behoves every man of us 214 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,880 to search the highways, the byways, 215 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:32,920 and call on friends, loved ones, relations, 216 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:37,000 - so they can... - Rally to our 'bottle' cry. 217 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:42,600 I wish you wouldn't do that. 218 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,640 ..rally to our cause. 219 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:50,800 Excuse me. Will Mrs Mainwaring be "rallying to the cause"? 220 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:55,360 I feel sure... 221 00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:00,080 that, with our combined efforts, 222 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:04,800 that certificate is as good as on the wall now. 223 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:09,840 I don't think Mrs Mainwaring will do a lot of rallying. 224 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,880 # Round the land all clear...# 225 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:17,320 Didn't feel a thing. 226 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:19,880 You did it for your country. 227 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:26,120 I'm sorry, Captain Mainwaring. There's no sign of anyone else. 228 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,680 Thank you, Godfrey. 229 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,040 It's not like Jones to let us down. 230 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:35,920 He's off with ten men and their bayonets. 231 00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:38,480 Captain Mainwaring, this is too bad. 232 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:43,720 I have all these nurses standing by for you, the boy and the vicar. 233 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:47,320 They'll be along in a few minutes. 234 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:51,880 I sincerely hope so. I could have gone to another town. 235 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:54,920 Vicar, what happened to your three? 236 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,480 Ah, well. The flesh is weak. 237 00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:00,280 It's a month since they saw onions. 238 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:07,200 This really is most awkward, isn't it, Wilson? 239 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:10,240 I do feel very deeply for you. 240 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:13,960 - Couldn't you help us out? - Sorry. 241 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:18,760 - It's so embarrassing. - Can't you and Frank go round again? 242 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:21,800 I think Mum wanted to come. 243 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:25,120 But she's so upset at losing me. 244 00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:30,040 - She was a bit off when Uncle Arthur asked her. - You did ask? 245 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:33,080 - Yes. - At breakfast. - Frank! 246 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:36,120 I think she was going to say yes. 247 00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:40,680 Until Uncle Arthur mentioned the burnt taste about the porridge. 248 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:44,960 She picked up the pan and poured it in his hat. 249 00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:47,480 They haven't spoken since. 250 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,040 You take my advice. 251 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:55,000 If you marry, take a firm stand with your wife from the outset. 252 00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:58,040 - Start as you mean to go on? - Yes. 253 00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:01,080 - I'll remember that. - Good lad. 254 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,640 Mrs Mainwaring coming? 255 00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:11,160 I said is Mrs Mainwaring coming? 256 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:17,160 You'll have to do something about that habit of yours. 257 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:20,200 - What habit? - This. 258 00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:22,600 What? 259 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:29,960 - Do I do that? - Almost at the end of every sentence you go... 260 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,520 Oh, how awful. 261 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:35,560 Oh, thank you for telling me. 262 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:40,680 - I noticed you speaking to Frank... - Mm. 263 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:45,000 I believe YOU'VE caught this face thing. 264 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,600 I was explaining to the boy... 265 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:52,280 Blimey, it's quiet. Couldn't move in 'ere when my lot were in. 266 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,320 Let's look at the score. 267 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:58,600 HE CHUCKLES 268 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,920 Hodges - fifty, Mainwaring - three! 269 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:04,480 My people haven't turned up yet. 270 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:09,160 I hope they come soon. Admit it, you've lost. 271 00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:14,200 One consolation is that Private Pike is of a very rare blood group. 272 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:17,200 There's not one like him in 10,000. 273 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:20,800 - Well done. - I'm one in 10,000! 274 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:23,840 I always said he wasn't normal. 275 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:29,400 Don't insult this boy. He's going to serve his country. 276 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,840 They must be scraping the barrel. 277 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,280 I'll notify your unit. 278 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:38,480 Start packing up, Sister. 279 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:42,520 - Excuse me, Captain. - Don't be too long. 280 00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:47,560 - The yard is full of people, sir. - Use the one next to the vestry. 281 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:51,600 - Corporal Jones has brought them. - What? 282 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:58,160 - Captain Mainwaring. I've done it. 97 pints I've got! - What are you talking about? 283 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:01,200 Frazer, bring the Sergeant in. 284 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:05,760 Get in there. Go on. Left, right, left, right. Halt! 285 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,320 Salute the officer. 286 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:13,360 SALUTE, compri? Why you stick me with bayonet? 287 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:16,400 I no make trouble. 288 00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:19,480 Me buddy buddy. Friend. 289 00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:21,800 What's this about? 290 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,840 I went to the Italian POW camp, 291 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:29,480 and I gave the guard a bit of fillet steak 292 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:32,520 and he lent me 80 men for donoring. 293 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:37,680 - Enemy blood's not fair. - It is. They started it. 294 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:40,720 What you call me enemy for? 295 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:43,280 I not enemy. 296 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:46,320 I sit at home - minda my business. 297 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:50,880 Trattoria Peasano - very good food. I cooka myself. 298 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,920 Then they come to me - they say, 299 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,960 "You got to go fight. 300 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:01,080 "You got to go bang, bang." 301 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,920 We is not to blame, Capitano. 302 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:07,480 The Signor Adolf Hitler is to blame. 303 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:12,520 Your government should be careful about who it chooses for friends. 304 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:17,560 Friends? Oh, you should talk about friends. 305 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:21,760 - What about the Stalins? - That's enough. 306 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:26,800 There's 80 Eyeties in the yard. His reverence'll have a fit. 307 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:30,320 I'm not given to having fits. 308 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:35,200 You've still only got 83. I've won 'cause I reached my target. 309 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:40,280 Oh, no you haven't. I got seventeen nuns as well. 310 00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:43,320 I was coming to that. 311 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:47,360 There's seventeen nuns Roman Catholic. 312 00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:50,120 Nuns quite often are. 313 00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:55,160 When I was down the POW camp, the nuns were administering to them 314 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:58,200 and giving them nice balaclavas. 315 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:01,240 And they're all Roman Catholic. 316 00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:04,360 Except one I think he's a Hebrew. 317 00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:09,080 And 83 and 17 make - 100! 318 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:12,280 There. We've fulfilled our target. 319 00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:15,240 - Good show. - Show them in, Jones. 320 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:18,280 - Ladies first. - Youse, get in there. 321 00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:22,840 This way for the donoring. Nuns first, Eyeties second. 322 00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:26,880 Left, right, left, right, left, right. 323 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:31,920 # And now, you've bitten off much more than you can chew...# 324 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:38,240 - Well. Very nice here, isn't it? - It is. It's lovely. 325 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:41,280 That's it. Two plaice and two. 326 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:45,320 No, two cod and two and one plaice and two. 327 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:51,360 Now here's your pound and I want eight and tenpence change. 328 00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:53,920 - Haven't you got yours? - No, no. 329 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:58,960 - Mine's a fillet of plaice and two pennyworth of chips. - Here it is. 330 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,520 Oh, thank you. 331 00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:04,560 Oh, no, no, no. That's not right. 332 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:09,120 It's not seemly for you to have your fish and chips on paper. 333 00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:11,680 A plate would be nice. 334 00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:14,320 A plate for Captain Mainwaring! 335 00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:17,520 The man's counting my change. 336 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:22,560 We haven't got plates for everybody. There's a war on. 337 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:25,120 Just a minute, sir. 338 00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:28,160 You have my plate. That's it. 339 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:33,200 Oh, no, that's wrong, 'cause you're plaice and two and I'm cod and two. 340 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:36,240 Here, hang on a minute. 341 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:38,800 There you are, sir. 342 00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:41,360 No, wait a minute, sir. 343 00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:44,400 I've only got six chips left. 344 00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:47,440 You hang on to those a minute. 345 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:50,480 You have those and I'll have these. 346 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:55,240 - Yours is on a plate and mine's on the paper. - Thank you. 347 00:23:55,240 --> 00:24:01,440 - Like a pickled onion or a gherkin? - I've quite enough trouble here. 348 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:04,000 I don't have them either. 349 00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:09,040 - Would you like some raspberryade? - A very little...That's enough! 350 00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:11,920 Would you rather have lime fizz? 351 00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:14,840 No, I'm happy with what I've got. 352 00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:19,520 - Why raspberryade? - Frank likes it - it IS his party. 353 00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:23,920 Hello, Napoleon. Eating with the poor people? 354 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:29,480 - Go away. This is a private party. - Don't take any notice. - Alright. 355 00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:34,600 I'll have to go for a long walk in the fresh air after this. 356 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:39,160 If I arrive home with my clothes smelling of fish and chips, 357 00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:42,200 - my wife'll have a fit. - Ah. 358 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:44,760 Very sensitive nose, you know. 359 00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:49,080 I smoked in the house once. 360 00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:53,640 She tried to keep me out of the sitting room for three days. 361 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:56,200 I wouldn't stand for that. 362 00:24:56,200 --> 00:25:02,880 I said "If that's your attitude, I'll stay out of the sitting room for a week!" 363 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:05,920 - Having difficulty? - Yes, I am. 364 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:09,960 Let me do it. It gets clogged up. 365 00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:12,520 Hang on. 366 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:14,560 There. 367 00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:20,120 Should be alright, now. 368 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:23,160 Thank you very much, Pike. 369 00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:30,480 Are you going to be long? I've a queue a mile long outside. 370 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:33,680 You had our money - hud yer wheesht. 371 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:36,720 We should have the speeches and go. 372 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:39,760 Come along. Charge your glasses. 373 00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:44,320 - Charge your glass, Mr Mainwaring. - I have enough in it. 374 00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:52,360 As Mr Wilson is closely associated with young Pike, we thought he ought to make the speech. 375 00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:55,880 Yes, alright. Good idea. 376 00:25:55,880 --> 00:26:00,440 - Don't be long. It'll get boring. - I'll remember that. 377 00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:03,000 Pikey, you got to answer. 378 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:07,560 - Well, can I have more cod and chips? - One cod and chips for Pikey! 379 00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:10,600 One more cod and chips coming up. 380 00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:15,640 M'lords, ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for Sergeant Wilson. 381 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:21,080 Thank you, Jonesey. Thanks, everybody. 382 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:24,120 This is really a dual celebration. 383 00:26:24,120 --> 00:26:30,600 - We congratulate Captain Mainwaring on the Blood Donor Scheme. - That was a fiddle! 384 00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:33,480 You had a load of nuns and wops. 385 00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:36,040 Keep quiet. 386 00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:41,440 - The town clerk, sir, presents you, with this little scroll. - Oh. 387 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:44,520 Send it to Mussolini - or the Pope! 388 00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:47,560 Off, off, off, off! 389 00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:50,600 To continue, ladies and gentlemen, 390 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:55,160 we would like, I'm sure, to wish good luck and God speed 391 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:59,160 to Private Frank Pike. 392 00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:02,200 ALL: Hear, hear! 393 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:08,040 You've been loyal to this platoon, and we shall always remember you. 394 00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:12,280 Speech! Speech! Speech! 395 00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:16,400 - Get up. - I've got all these chips. 396 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:20,320 Get up and speak. Take your time. 397 00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:26,600 Ladies and gentlemen... No, gentlemen... 398 00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:30,640 Thank you for the fish and chips. 399 00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:34,960 I would like to tell you a funny story. 400 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:37,000 Good! 401 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,640 I like a funny story. 402 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,280 I hope it won't be coarse. 403 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:46,320 You remember some of us gave blood? 404 00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:50,880 They found out mine was ever so rare, so they wrote to the RAF. 405 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:53,920 Then the RAF said if I was wounded 406 00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:58,640 they wouldn't have anything to transfuse me with. 407 00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:01,680 I hope you don't mind me saying, 408 00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:06,080 but so far your story's not highly comic. 409 00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:09,120 No...well, the funny thing is... 410 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:12,720 They won't have me. I'm not going. 411 00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:14,760 What? 412 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:18,200 You're not going? 413 00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:22,720 - When did you learn this? - Yesterday. 414 00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:27,680 Why didn't you say something? 415 00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:32,720 Well...no-one's ever given a supper in my honour before. 416 00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:36,760 Didn't want to miss my fish and chips. 417 00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:39,560 I like fish and chips. 418 00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:45,120 Stupid boy! 419 00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:48,600 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd