1 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:07,320 # Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 2 00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:11,760 # If you think we're on the run? 3 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:16,960 # We are the boys who will stop your little game 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:21,720 # We are the boys who will make you think again 5 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:26,680 # Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 6 00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:31,320 # If you think old England's done? 7 00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:35,920 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21 8 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:40,560 # But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun 9 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:43,280 # So who do you think 10 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:46,040 # You are kidding, Mr Hitler 11 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:51,160 # If you think old England's done? # 12 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:55,840 < Left, right, left, right, left, right! 13 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,880 Come along now, keep it up. Forward! 14 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:03,840 - Left, right, left, right. Up, up! - THEY GRUNT 15 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:05,680 Keep it up! 16 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:10,360 Left, right, left, right. Get 'em up, Godfrey! 17 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:15,680 Platoon, halt! Right, stand straight. 18 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,640 Keep still, Jones. 19 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:21,680 The spirit is willing, but my body's slung it in. 20 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:24,880 Stand at ease. 21 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:29,200 Before we fall down... before we fall out, 22 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,760 one or two things... 23 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:34,320 I want to say to you... 24 00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:36,480 Why not sit down? 25 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:39,200 No...I'll be quite all right. 26 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,760 I'll just go and get my notes. 27 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:46,600 Can the men have a breather while you get them? 28 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,640 Very well, if you think they need it. 29 00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:52,520 Oh, dear me. 30 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:59,760 - Are you all right, sir? - Perfectly, thank you. - Good. 31 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:03,520 Those men are out of condition. 32 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:12,360 You'll have to take them on cross-country runs. 33 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:17,640 - I shall enjoy that. - What's that in your hand? 34 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:23,720 - It's a little magazine - it's called the Hotspur. - The Hotspur? 35 00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:31,040 There are plenty of training pamphlets to read, without resorting to children's magazines! 36 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:34,520 I was reading this. It's in Frank's handwriting. 37 00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,160 Show me. 38 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:40,280 It's an article about the Home Guard - rather amusing. 39 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,800 - Rather amusing? - Yes, amusing. 40 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:45,880 It's disgraceful! 41 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:52,160 Look here, I'm going to nip this sort of thing in the bud. Get them on parade. 42 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:53,280 Sir. 43 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,400 Three ranks. 44 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:02,360 Fall in! Three ranks, like the sergeant says! 45 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:05,880 Fall in, like the sergeant says! 46 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:08,600 Fall in, three ranks! 47 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:11,240 We've fallen in, sir. 48 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:16,040 Thank you, Jones. ATTENTION! 49 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:22,600 - At ease. Hurry, Jones... - HE STAMPS - That's better. 50 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,480 Private Pike? 51 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:31,640 - What's this? - Where did you get that? - Never mind - what is it? 52 00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:36,360 An article I'm writing for a competition. How did you get it? 53 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:42,240 - It was in your Hotspur. - You've no right! I haven't read my Hotspur yet! 54 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:46,640 I'm supposed to have the Hotspur before Sgt Wilson! 55 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:50,280 - I glanced at it. - I always have it next! 56 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:53,200 Be quiet, all of you! 57 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:59,480 Now, I want Sgt Wilson to read it... aloud. 58 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:04,080 - The Hotspur? - No, no, the article! Read it aloud. 59 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,280 It's private! 60 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:07,640 Silence! Carry on. 61 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:15,040 Right, sir. "My name...my name is Frank Pike. I'm a private in the Home Guard." 62 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,440 That's G-U-A-R-D. 63 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:19,280 Never mind! 64 00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:24,520 "Us lads will spot parachutists who land in our district, 65 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:27,560 "especially if they land in a pub! 66 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:32,600 "The other night we made sure there were no parachutists 67 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:35,760 "in 11 pubs in 2 hours. 68 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:39,560 "By then we were all...souzzled." 69 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,640 - SOZZLED! - Be quiet! 70 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:47,560 - "The sergeant's my uncle - I can do what I like with him"! - Disgraceful! 71 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:51,320 - "The officer's an old..." - We've heard enough! 72 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:57,280 Pike, I'm not going to go into your shameful conduct in writing this. 73 00:04:57,280 --> 00:05:00,120 I expect you feel pretty rotten. 74 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,880 HE MOUTHS 75 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,880 What concerns me is the subject. 76 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:10,960 Stories like this are told by comedians on the wireless. 77 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,920 And it's quite untrue. 78 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:19,120 My unit... 79 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:23,520 ..is a hand-picked band of ruthless fighting men. 80 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:33,360 Since I've been in command I've done my best to set an example in sobriety and devotion to duty. 81 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:37,160 I don't want any more stories about four-ale bars. 82 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:41,720 There's no need to be downcast or trodden about it. 83 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:47,000 Soldiers and drink have always gone together - like chalk and cheese. 84 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:51,440 I don't see why my men should be swilling about in beer. 85 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:58,360 In the Sudan we drank arak. Half a pint and you didn't know if you were coming or going. 86 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:01,600 We didn't do a lot of either, so it didn't matter. 87 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:06,080 All right, all right. I want to make it quite clear. 88 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:11,360 Never again do I want to hear stories about my men drinking. 89 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:19,560 Right. Now, the Home Guard officers of the district are throwing a sherry party 90 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:25,040 for local civil dignitaries, and the officers of surrounding units. 91 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:27,880 I have offered to be the host... 92 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,880 I've offered to be the host. 93 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:38,000 That offer has been accepted. 94 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,400 We shall be using this hall, 95 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:46,120 and Corporal Jones's section will volunteer to provide stewards. 96 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:47,440 Sir! 97 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,720 Bring them into the office. 98 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:52,320 Come on, my section. 99 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:59,040 - Private Sponge. - Sir? - Patrol from the gasworks to the novelty rock emporium. - Sir. 100 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:03,520 - And no drinking! - Not a drop will touch our lips. - Fine. 101 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,040 We'll get straws! 102 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:09,000 Now, are we all here? 103 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:14,640 - All except Frazer. He's interviewing a client in Eastbourne. - Mr Croxton. 104 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:22,240 Croxton? Well, he's likely to be delayed for some time. Old Croxton's a bit of a chatterbox. 105 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:25,800 He won't chatter in the box Frazer's put him in. 106 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:29,360 That joke's in rather bad taste, Jones. 107 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:37,040 Put Frazer down for steward. He can serve drinks. Jones, you'll be on the door. 108 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:44,920 I'll be on the door, and when the people come in, I'll ask them their names, and tell them who they are. 109 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:52,560 - Shall I be in charge of the cloakroom? - That's a very good idea, Godfrey. 110 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:56,080 - Can I help serve drinks? - You're too young. 111 00:07:56,080 --> 00:08:00,480 - And me, sir? - Oh... just try to look pleasant. 112 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:05,560 Sgt Wilson should play the piano. That's pleasant. 113 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,840 Oh, no, no, Jonesy. I'm really not good enough. 114 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:12,000 Sgt Wilson's playing would add tone. 115 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:15,040 Very well, play, Wilson. Not very loudly. 116 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:19,280 What's this about you wanting the hall on Wednesday? 117 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:20,720 I need it! 118 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,800 I need it for an important military purpose. 119 00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:26,320 You're just having a booze-up! 120 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:27,800 No! 121 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:31,000 It's my night for it. I'm exercising my prerogative. 122 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,680 It IS his night. He's within his rights. 123 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,760 I'll deal with it. 124 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:42,960 I must have it. It's an important meeting between army officers and civic dignitaries. 125 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,640 I haven't been invited! 126 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:48,600 I'm not a nobody! I'm a bigwig here! 127 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:53,240 Surely you were intending to invite Mr Hodges, Mr Mainwaring? 128 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:55,840 Well, I suppose... 129 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:57,720 Yes, of course. 130 00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:00,240 I like a party. Any women? 131 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,280 No, no women. 132 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:06,240 Never mind, we'll have a few jars and a knees-up! 133 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:10,680 A knees-up!? This is a dignified social occasion. 134 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:14,640 Yes, with musical cocktails and cucumber sandwiches. 135 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:20,280 They make you belch, don't they? Thanks. You can have the hall. 136 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:26,080 It's settled! Have a good evening. You haven't invited HIM! 137 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:30,360 Ah... You'll be very welcome, of course, Vicar. 138 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,680 I'll look forward to it. 139 00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:35,240 YOU'RE not coming! 140 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:43,840 That's settled. Jones, take your section and resume normal training. 141 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:48,840 Sir. My section! Normal training, resume, in the hall. Go! 142 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:55,440 Sir, my sister Dolly makes very nice cucumber sandwiches, very dainty. 143 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:57,840 Should she do some? 144 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,200 - Thank you, Godfrey. - She will be pleased. 145 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:10,400 Fine man, that. They all are. There's nobody I'd rather have at my side when the balloon goes up. 146 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:15,440 Yes, sir. Weren't you a tiny bit harsh about the pubs? 147 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:18,200 - No. - No? - No...I don't think so. 148 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:22,640 It happens to be something I feel very strongly about. 149 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:28,760 It's the way I was brought up. My father was a member of the Master Tailors' Guild. 150 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:30,200 Was he? 151 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:35,200 They don't drink while they're sewing, I suppose. 152 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,400 No... 153 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,680 Of course they don't, no. 154 00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:46,920 He'd have a sherry on festive occasions - join in the fun. 155 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:52,520 But all my family were the same. They all knew when to stop. 156 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:27,080 NORTHERN ACCENT: That's better. 157 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:29,960 TRAIN CLANKS TO A HALT 158 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:34,120 GUARD: Eastbourne! Eastbourne! 159 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,560 Been to a funeral? 160 00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:07,520 I happen to be an undertaker! 161 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:10,480 You've got the right mush for it! 162 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:15,920 And I've got the right fist to flatten that red nose of yours! 163 00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,960 No, no...don't be like that. 164 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,920 Here - have a drink. 165 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:23,080 No. 166 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:28,000 I never touch it when I'm going on a professional call. 167 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:31,760 Pity. It's real Scotch. 168 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:35,000 Well, I'm coming back from a professional call, 169 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:38,880 so I'll accept your offer. Slainte! 170 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:48,440 Don't mind me. I say what I think, you know. 171 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:52,120 Tell the truth and shame the devil, that's me. 172 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:56,440 In your job you need a sour, miserable face. 173 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,720 We do indeed. 174 00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:03,240 I mean...I mean, you LOOK like an undertaker. 175 00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:08,600 Now, I need a happy face in my profession. 176 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:12,080 I'm a traveller. And I'm not travelling 177 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,320 in Scotch either! 178 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:18,600 Guess what I'm travelling in. 179 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,360 No idea. 180 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:23,240 Oh? Put it there! 181 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:25,840 BUZZ! 182 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:34,520 You've got it. Jokes. Carnival novelties. 183 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:37,440 Smell this! 184 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,040 Smell this. 185 00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,160 Mainwaring's the name. 186 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:49,400 < Barry Mainwaring. Mainwaring? 187 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:52,920 Was your father a master tailor in Eastbourne? 188 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,560 Master tailor? 189 00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:05,320 I say, that's good! He had a little draper's shop with workmen's clothes hanging up outside! 190 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,360 Is that a fact? 191 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:15,160 Then could you be in any way related to George Mainwaring, the bank manager? 192 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:16,920 Old Po-face? 193 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,320 My brother. 194 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:23,640 You don't say?! 195 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:30,800 I'm going to see him now. I haven't worked the south coast for 15 years. I've been up north. 196 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:35,200 So I thought I'd just drop by - surprise him. 197 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:38,080 He'll be pleased to see you? 198 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:43,800 I very much doubt it. Especially when he knows what I've come for. 199 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,560 Is that...? Fancy! 200 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:51,200 I've no wish to poke my nose into your private affairs, 201 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:54,120 but why's that? 202 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,600 I'll tell you. Just a minute. 203 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,400 When my father died... 204 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:20,480 I'd looked after him, right up to the finish. He hadn't much to leave, cos he'd always liked a few. 205 00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:24,760 But I'd always admired... 206 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:28,800 ..a gold half-hunter watch he had. 207 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:34,160 He used to wear in on a chain across his waistcoat, you know? 208 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:38,680 Anyway, 209 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,200 when he popped off, 210 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:45,920 old Po-face comes up and says, "I'm having that watch!" 211 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:53,200 Well, with the old man kicking the bucket like that, I was a bit upset. 212 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:57,240 I'd had a few - I don't mind admitting that. 213 00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:05,400 Before I knew what was happening, before it dawned on me what was going on, old Po-face had nicked it! 214 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,720 Never! 215 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:11,280 Oh, yes, true as I'm standing on this station! 216 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,520 So... 217 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:20,560 I've taken a room at the Red Lion, and I'm going down to see him! 218 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:27,600 Hold on, I'll be seeing him as soon as the train stops. I'll tell him you're coming. 219 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:30,080 Will you? Will you do that? 220 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,120 Of course! 221 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:34,480 It will be my pleasure! 222 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,800 I'm grateful. 223 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:43,320 You should have seen Mainwaring's face when I told him I'd met his brother... 224 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:45,000 ..drunk! 225 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:47,400 He must have been shocked. 226 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:55,160 Maybe aye, maybe no. I've always said there was bad blood in that family, and I was right. 227 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:58,960 They're boozers, the lot of them - boozers! 228 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:05,480 My sister Dolly won't have drink in the house, except her own parsnip wine. 229 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:09,440 I tried it once - I fell over. 230 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:16,480 The last time Uncle Arthur had one over the eight, Mum got ever so angry with him. 231 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:21,560 He chased her round the house, trying to tickle her and make her laugh. 232 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:26,440 She gave him a black eye and locked him in the coal shed. 233 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:28,960 D'you know something else? 234 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:34,320 Mainwaring's father was no more a master tailor than I am! 235 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,840 He was a draper, 236 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:39,320 a common wee draper! 237 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:46,320 There's nothing wrong with being from humble stock. My father was a humble butcher. 238 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:51,920 He didn't have a sign saying, "High class butcher, families waited on." 239 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:56,640 He couldn't wait on families because he had no fridge! 240 00:17:56,640 --> 00:18:00,720 He had to sell stuff quick before it went off. 241 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:08,760 Couldn't afford proper sawdust. He had second-hand stuff. All mingy old sawdust with tin-tacks and that. 242 00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:13,120 He was a God-fearing man - he had quite a nice time! 243 00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:16,640 I'll tell ye something else. 244 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:21,880 According to his brother, our Capt Mainwaring is no more than... 245 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,400 ..a thief! 246 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:28,040 I'm sorry, I really can't believe that! 247 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:34,320 I'd give a whole pound to be there when they meet. 248 00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:37,760 He really does sound quite a character. 249 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:42,840 He certainly is! The sooner he's out of Walmington, the happier I'll be. 250 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:45,880 It's not that I'm ashamed of him... 251 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:48,920 We've both had the same upbringing, 252 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:55,440 - but he's just let his talents go to waste. - ..While YOU got on, so to speak. 253 00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:03,440 - Wilson, I want you, if you can, to picture two boys. - Yes. 254 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:08,080 One is popular, good at games - hail-fellow-well-met! 255 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:15,120 - The other is shy, lonely, standing in the corner of the playground, alone. - Yes. 256 00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:18,440 That one was me. 257 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:20,960 I see, yes. 258 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,760 Sort of hail-fellow-well-met? 259 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:27,440 - No, the one alone in the playground. - Ah. 260 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:32,680 Later, of course, he was surrounded by girls - the laughing crowd. 261 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:36,040 - And I was left with my books. - Yes. 262 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:42,720 While he was getting sozzled, I was getting a clear brain and a sharp eye. 263 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:47,280 - I used to take a cold bath every morning. - Did you really? 264 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:51,720 I expect THAT cleared the brain! 265 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:53,960 Oh, yes, yes. 266 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:59,840 That way of life was fitting me for what I've become today - 267 00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:02,360 respected, trustworthy, 268 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:08,280 able unashamedly to look the whole world full in the face. 269 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:13,120 - PHONE RINGS - Excuse me. Hello? Yes...yes. 270 00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:15,880 I think it's your brother, sir. 271 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,760 I'm busy! 272 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,280 Can I help you at all? What? 273 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:24,840 He says he wants to speak to somebody called Po-face. 274 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,240 What? 275 00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,280 No...look... 276 00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:35,440 He says if you're not here, he'll see you tomorrow at the bank. 277 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:40,240 - Shall I say 10:30? - No, I'm busy all day! 278 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:43,080 I'm sorry, he's tied up all day. 279 00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:45,840 'I'll come round to his house.' 280 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:48,320 No! Elizabeth would have a fit! 281 00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:55,400 - 'Better still, I'll come over and watch him play soldiers!' - Why not do that? 282 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:59,640 No, Wilson! It's the night of the sherry party! 283 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:04,160 Tell him I'll go to the Red Lion tomorrow and see him. 284 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:10,920 Are you there? He'll come round tomorrow to the Red Lion to see you. 285 00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:20,720 Mind the carpet. It's a bit worn. It's the war. 286 00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:24,120 I'd better make sure he's in a fit state. 287 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,520 - What name? - Just say it's a friend. 288 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,880 A friend? I see. 289 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:39,920 MAID: 'Ere, wake up! Somebody to see you - a man. He says he's a friend. 290 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:43,400 BARRY: Tell him to go and boil his head. 291 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:47,880 MAID SHRIEKS: Oh! Let go! Give over! 292 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,080 - He's awake. - Obviously. 293 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:56,600 - You can go in now. - Thank you. 294 00:21:56,600 --> 00:22:00,040 - A shilling for you. - Oh, thank you, sir. 295 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:07,480 Oh! It's YOU. I thought it might be. 296 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:11,400 Well, Barry - it's been a long time. 297 00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:13,400 Fifteen years. 298 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:16,720 By the looks of you, you haven't changed. 299 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,840 Neither have you, Po-face! 300 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:25,800 What do you want? If it's money you've come for, you're out of luck. 301 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:29,080 All right, keep your rag on. 302 00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:32,640 D'you want a drink? 303 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:34,040 No, thanks. 304 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:36,080 Please yerself. 305 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:41,760 I should have thought 5:30 in the afternoon was early, even for YOU. 306 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,800 Po-face! 307 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:54,240 Look at you - rolled umbrella, striped trousers, pot-hat. You've got on, haven't you? 308 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:58,360 I'm the branch manager. 309 00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:07,360 Put your hand in the till when you get a bit short, do you? 310 00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:13,880 Don't be ridiculous! I have an important affair to see to at 7:30. 311 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:18,680 An important affair?! Is she blonde? 312 00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:24,440 How dare you! It's a sherry party for officers and civic dignitaries. 313 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:29,680 - Don't get drunk. It runs in the family. - It certainly does not! 314 00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:33,040 It does in MY bloody branch! 315 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:39,360 Hey, I'll give you a story - a story to tell them at the party. 316 00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:44,840 There's this chemist's shop. He had a girl assistant behind the counter. 317 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:49,680 - A fella comes in... - I have to leave in five minutes. 318 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:52,720 Tell me, what have you come for? 319 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:58,760 - I've come for that watch. - You're not having it. 320 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:04,040 You know Dad wanted me to have that watch for looking after him. 321 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:08,040 All you did was pour whisky down his throat. 322 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:13,960 It kept him happy. You sat on the end of his bed looking miserable. 323 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:18,160 I told him jokes! He loved a joke. 324 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:23,680 He laughed when I told him about you and that girl from the sweet factory. 325 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:30,480 - She was the assistant manageress. - Was she hell-as-like! She was a rock puller! 326 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:37,360 She'd sling a sticky dollop of rock over a hook and pull it. 327 00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:42,920 She'd sling it over the hook and pull it again. 328 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:48,400 When I told him you tried to pull her and she said, "Sling your hook"... 329 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:54,920 ..he choked on his bismuth, and he was a goner. He died laughing! 330 00:24:54,920 --> 00:25:00,080 This is beside the point! I've got the watch and I'm sticking to it! 331 00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:02,800 All right, all right. 332 00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:08,200 We'll talk about it later. I'll come to the party. 333 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:12,120 - You'll do no such thing! - And who'll stop me? 334 00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:17,920 - I'll have you thrown out. - That would be a nice little scene - 335 00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:24,760 you standing there all pompous, and me yelling, "Po-face has nicked my watch!" 336 00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:27,160 "Po-face has nicked my watch!" 337 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:32,720 - They'll hear you! - They'll be all right. 338 00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:39,400 If I let you have it, do you swear you'll be on that 9:30 train? 339 00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:49,560 As a commercial traveller and a gentleman, I give you my word. 340 00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:55,320 Don't pull the chain too hard, you'll flush yourself! 341 00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:03,320 Just be on that 9:30 train. 342 00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,560 Don't take any tin money. 343 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:11,800 To think that you've come to this. 344 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:24,760 Let's look at your hands. Good, clean as a whistle. 345 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:29,240 What's all that purple stuff on your hands, Pike? 346 00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:33,880 No need to worry about that - it's a gob-stopper. Look. 347 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:37,680 Get rid of it before Capt Mainwaring sees you. 348 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:41,200 When he came back from meeting his brother, 349 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:48,440 he fair bit my head off just because I asked him to tell me the time by his watch. 350 00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:55,240 - Will we meet his brother? - I don't think he's been invited. 351 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:59,600 For goodness sake, Godfrey, have you lost your wits? 352 00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:04,120 Mainwaring's brother is the black sheep of the family. 353 00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:11,080 If he comes to the party, Mainwaring will be exposed to the world as a fraud. 354 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:14,600 Did ye hear me? EXPOSED to the world! 355 00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:18,160 I hope there are enough sandwiches. 356 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:20,280 Left, right, 357 00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:23,080 left, right - halt! 358 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:27,440 I'm sorry I'm late, but I've been killing my moths. 359 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:32,120 - This is my announcing suit. - You look very smart, Jones. 360 00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:39,760 - Where's Capt Mainwaring? - He's escorting the general. We'd better get to our positions. 361 00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:46,880 I'll go over there by the piano. You start announcing the guests. All right? 362 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:51,840 Here we are! Blimey, what's going on here - old folk's clinic?! 363 00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:58,040 You're supposed to come through the front entrance and I announce you. 364 00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:03,280 - We know who we are! Where's the booze? - We haven't started yet. 365 00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,760 Cucumber sandwich? 366 00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:08,440 Yes! Very nice, ta. 367 00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:11,200 Mm, lovely. Mm! 368 00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:16,480 They're tasty! 369 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:19,000 I say, how delicious! 370 00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:29,920 They're all right, they are! Mm! 371 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:33,440 Only two left. Pity to waste them. 372 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:36,080 Go and get some more. 373 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:47,400 - Mainwaring's brother is coming! - What?! - He'll be exposed! I knew it! 374 00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:52,600 That's a silly place to leave a fire-bucket! 375 00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:55,640 HE SINGS DRUNKENLY 376 00:28:55,640 --> 00:28:58,480 Who's drawn these curtains? 377 00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:05,040 - Hello. Good evening, everybody. Is this the party? - Excuse me, 378 00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:07,560 could you tell me your name? 379 00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:11,960 Barry Mainwaring - jokes and carnival novelties. 380 00:29:13,560 --> 00:29:20,720 M'lords, ladies and gentlemen - Mr Barry Mainwaring, jokes and carnival novelties. 381 00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:24,080 Is it...is it a fancy dress do? 382 00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:28,320 You must be Capt Mainwaring's brother. Hello. 383 00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:31,840 It IS fancy dress! You've come as a vicar. 384 00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:35,200 Your collar's the wrong way round. 385 00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:37,240 Never mind... 386 00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:39,600 ..have an exploding cigar. 387 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:44,080 He's all tiddly! You've got to do something about him. 388 00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:47,360 - What can I do? - Go and talk to him. 389 00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:53,200 How very nice to see you! We spoke to each other on the telephone. 390 00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:56,880 Oh, yes. You're the one with the posh voice. 391 00:29:56,880 --> 00:30:03,520 - I gave him a rough time today, so I came round to apologise. - I see. 392 00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:06,760 You don't apologise to Napoleon! 393 00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:09,880 Napoleon! Is that what you call him? 394 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:17,760 That's very good. You know what I call him? Po-face! 395 00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:21,760 Po-face! That's good. PO-FACE! 396 00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:25,240 That just about describes him. 397 00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:26,840 ­ That's enough! 398 00:30:26,840 --> 00:30:30,840 We must do something. He'll show Mr Mainwaring up. 399 00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:35,720 More guests are arriving. He'll be exposed and ruined! 400 00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:41,760 - Don't panic! More guests! Keep calm! - All right, Jonesy, all right. 401 00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:45,680 He might care to wash his hands, or something. 402 00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:51,920 Good idea! Frank, take him in there. Jonesy, carry on announcing guests. 403 00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:57,440 There's this chemist shop with a girl assistant at the counter. 404 00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:01,920 A fella comes into the shop, and he said... 405 00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:04,720 Come with me. He didn't say that! 406 00:31:04,720 --> 00:31:07,960 He was just getting to the fruity bit! 407 00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:10,400 I'm glad he was stopped. 408 00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:15,080 There's a basin in the corner. I'll get you a towel. 409 00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:26,400 M'lords, ladies and gentlemen - Captain Doubleday and Major Shoesmith! 410 00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:28,840 It's CAPTAIN Shoesmith! 411 00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:33,800 M'lords, ladies and gentlemen - the other way round. 412 00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:39,880 FRANTIC BANGING Let me out! You've locked the damn door! > 413 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:45,040 - Play something! I've got an idea to keep him quiet. - All right. 414 00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:49,440 - Can you play "In The Mood"? It's popular. - Is it? 415 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:54,280 Would you like a cucumber sandwich? My sister Dolly made them. 416 00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:55,960 Emergency! 417 00:31:56,960 --> 00:32:01,440 Have one of Mr Godfrey's sandwiches. His sister makes them. 418 00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:04,200 - Come along, play up! - All right. 419 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:09,440 You can have this, but promise to be quiet as a church mouse. 420 00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:13,280 Here we are, sir. Frazer will take your cap. 421 00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:16,600 Would you tell me your name, sir? 422 00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:19,520 Major General Stevens. 423 00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:25,760 - Would you tell me your name, sir? - Yes, it's Captain... Oh, get on with it! 424 00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:37,840 M'lords, ladies and gentlemen - Major General Stevens and Captain Mainwaring, Esquire, 425 00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:40,480 and some other people. 426 00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:45,360 Hello, Napoleon! 427 00:32:45,360 --> 00:32:49,040 - Good evening. - I've just met your brother. 428 00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:51,400 Excuse me. 429 00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:55,920 - You've what?! - That wiped the smile off your face, Po-face! 430 00:32:55,920 --> 00:32:59,400 Excuse me! There's nothing to worry about. 431 00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:04,800 - He's promised to keep quiet in there. - What state was he in? - Drunk. 432 00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:08,360 There's little chance he'll keep his promise! 433 00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:13,960 He will, because I bribed him. I gave him a whole bottle of sherry. 434 00:33:15,480 --> 00:33:18,200 You STUPID boy! 435 00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:22,560 - What else could I do? - Don't use that tone of voice. 436 00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:25,600 Frazer! Jones! Get him out of there. 437 00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:29,600 They'll all see him. You'll be exposed! 438 00:33:29,600 --> 00:33:32,120 Shove him through the window. 439 00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:36,160 Rely on us, we'll shove him through the window. 440 00:33:36,160 --> 00:33:38,960 - Cucumber sandwich? - Go away! 441 00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:44,520 Play the piano while we push Barry through the window. 442 00:33:44,520 --> 00:33:48,400 - What do you suggest? - Make it LOUD. 443 00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:52,720 You go in. I've had a better idea! PIANO PLAYS 444 00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:02,920 - We'll never get him through there! - We might manage it. 445 00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:08,800 - We're going to push you through the window. - Is a landlady after me? 446 00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:13,360 That's it. Heave! 447 00:34:16,360 --> 00:34:20,200 Tell him to lie sideways. Turn him sideways. 448 00:34:20,200 --> 00:34:24,360 Pick up, that's it! Straight on. OK, Pikey. 449 00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:27,920 We've arranged to take some infantry fire, 450 00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:31,440 - by the crack and thump method... - 'Scuse us! 451 00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:35,480 - Just getting rid of the empties. - Good, good. 452 00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:40,000 THEY GRUNT AND GROAN 453 00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:47,720 It's no good trying him sideways. He's as broad as he's long! 454 00:34:47,720 --> 00:34:52,320 Is this some sort of parlour game, like "sardines"? 455 00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:55,560 'Ere, let's put him in this! 456 00:34:55,560 --> 00:35:01,240 That's an idea! Leave the window, try getting in the cupboard. 457 00:35:01,240 --> 00:35:04,240 Ah! It IS sardines! 458 00:35:06,720 --> 00:35:10,360 I'm not hiding with HIM. He's an undertaker. 459 00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:16,560 You're not going to saw me in half, are you? 460 00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:21,160 We'll bolt it to make sure he can't get out. 461 00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:24,200 If we all lift at the same time... 462 00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:29,400 Who's the next one in? 463 00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:32,920 Give me the hammer. 464 00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:41,240 If you know the formula, you can work out the distance between you and the chap shooting at you... 465 00:35:41,240 --> 00:35:44,440 LOUD HAMMERING What's that noise? 466 00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:49,760 - That's Wilson playing the piano. That's enough, Wilson... - Pardon? 467 00:35:49,760 --> 00:35:53,760 - I mean the hammering. - Oh! Excuse me, sir. 468 00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:58,240 - Find out what's happening in there. - Right. 469 00:35:58,240 --> 00:36:00,600 Ha! That's it. 470 00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:04,880 - HE SINGS - Come on. - Come on. 471 00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:09,280 My turn again, is it? Soon comes round, doesn't it? 472 00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:12,840 Come on, Wilson. 473 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:17,280 When I say lift, we all lift. Ready? LIFT! 474 00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:21,920 He's not very heavy! 475 00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:25,000 It's easy when we all pull together. 476 00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:27,520 Come on, let's get on with it. 477 00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:30,000 Hey! Look! 478 00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:33,520 He doesn't look after his boots. 479 00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:36,240 Put him down. 480 00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:42,600 What floor is this, then? 481 00:36:43,600 --> 00:36:48,520 I hope your men aren't damaging that dressing room. 482 00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:51,240 We heard some strange noises. 483 00:36:51,240 --> 00:36:54,160 It's just a little domestic matter. 484 00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:58,240 The captain's putting a brave face on it (!) 485 00:36:58,240 --> 00:37:00,840 Excuse me, I'm discussing tactics. 486 00:37:00,840 --> 00:37:08,800 - You have a brave face as well as another sort of face (!) - Well done! Well done, chaps. 487 00:37:08,800 --> 00:37:13,800 - My chaps are doing some clearing up. - Getting rid of empties, eh? 488 00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:16,680 This one's a wee bit full, sir! 489 00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:19,280 - Wilson. - Sir? - Everything all right? 490 00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:24,040 - Could I speak to you in private? - Of course. Excuse us. 491 00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:34,000 - What's happened? - Jones is taking him to the station. - Well done. 492 00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:40,120 I got this watch back for you, sir. I know how much you treasure it. 493 00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:42,960 Thank you. I appreciate it, Wilson. 494 00:37:44,240 --> 00:37:48,760 Look, on second thoughts, he hasn't got very much... 495 00:37:48,760 --> 00:37:56,360 - See him safely on to the train, give that back to him and wish him well. - All right, sir. I, er... 496 00:37:57,320 --> 00:37:59,840 ..I hope he appreciates it. 497 00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:03,200 There's only one left. Will you have it? 498 00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:08,480 No, thank you, Godfrey. The general wants to talk to me. 499 00:38:14,440 --> 00:38:20,400 Delicious! My sister has a wonderful way with cucumber sandwiches. 500 00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:32,640 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd