1 00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:07,560 # Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler 2 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:12,400 # If you think we're on the run 3 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:17,160 # We are the boys who will stop your little game 4 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:22,040 # We are the boys who will make you think again 5 00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:27,200 # Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 6 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:31,760 # If you think old England's done? 7 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:36,640 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21 8 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:41,640 # But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun 9 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:46,680 # So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler 10 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:51,440 # If you think old England's done! # 11 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:54,440 - WILSON SHOUTS: - Halt! 12 00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:58,520 Are you there, sir? 13 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:03,560 - Of course I am! - The men have fallen in and look awfully smart. - Good! 14 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:06,320 - I'll inspect them. - All right, sir. 15 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:19,440 - Why aren't you in your snow camouflage suit? - I didn't want to look a fool in public. 16 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:22,680 I'm wearing mine. I don't look a fool. 17 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:31,960 - Why haven't you brought the men in? - The verger has just polished the floor. - Never mind about that. 18 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:38,280 - We've got a war to win! Bring them in! - All right, sir. Would you step in here, please? 19 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:54,040 - CORPORAL JONES: - Halt! Left turn! 20 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:59,120 The men are all halted and left-turned, sir! 21 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:03,960 Thank you, Corporal. Stand at ease! Very good indeed, men. 22 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,000 I'm very proud of you. 23 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:12,680 Now we can follow the example of our Finnish allies and become completely invisible in the snow. 24 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,720 There's just one thing - 25 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,680 there's no snow! 26 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:18,320 Silence! 27 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:23,040 Very good, Jones. What have you done to your spectacles? 28 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:26,480 It's camouflage, sir, you see, camouflage! 29 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:31,520 I have very highly coloured eyes. People remark on them in the shop. 30 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:33,200 Look. 31 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:39,960 And I thought, "If they show up so much in the shop, they'll show up more in the snow!" 32 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,560 Yes. I don't think it was necessary. 33 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:47,080 Nostrils look a bit odd, too. 34 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,520 It's cotton wool, you see, sir. 35 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:53,560 When I'm in action, I get very fractious and worked up, 36 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:57,480 and my nostrils flare and they take on an angry red hue. 37 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:00,760 Of course, they don't show up in the shop 38 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:05,880 because I don't get worked up and fractious over meat and sausages. 39 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:12,920 If I get worked up and fractious in the snow, my nostrils will shine like beacons and give my place away. 40 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:16,680 I think you're going into the realms of fantasy, Jones. 41 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,680 Whoo! 42 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,120 Don't play the fool with me, boy! 43 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:28,960 - I'm not. Mum wouldn't let me put whitewash on. This is Uncle Arthur's idea. - Is that right? 44 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:35,560 - Well, he has a very sensitive skin, sir. It runs in the family. - In whose family? - His family. 45 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,040 I see. 46 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:42,640 What's this? 47 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,680 - It's all I could find! - A wedding dress! 48 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:49,200 Aye. 49 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,240 It was my mother's. 50 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:53,920 Oh! There's a veil! 51 00:03:57,440 --> 00:03:59,480 It was in the attic... 52 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:02,920 and do you know this, Captain Mainwaring... 53 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,960 a poor wee mousey had passed away... 54 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:09,760 ..in the bustle! 55 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:14,320 - What do you think? - I suppose we should be grateful 56 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:19,760 - that he hasn't brought the bouquet! - Yes. Find something more suitable. - Right, sir. 57 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:22,800 - Good afternoon! - Good after... 58 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:28,840 - Who put you up to this, Godfrey? - It's my Pierrot costume. 59 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:35,840 I had it when I was in the Army & Navy Store. We did shows for charity. We called ourselves... 60 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,480 The Gay Gondoliers. 61 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,920 The Gay...?! We can't have this! 62 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:42,960 I think it's rather fun, 63 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,080 except for the pom poms. 64 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:50,720 I'm quite prepared to cut them off. May I keep them till the snow falls? 65 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:55,760 I can't allow that. You must wear proper clothes like everybody else. 66 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:01,480 Well, on the whole, it's a very good turnout, men, 67 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:06,480 and now, when it snows, we shall be able to merge into the landscape. 68 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:09,200 Look at that floor! Just look at it! 69 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:13,640 - Three hours I spent on that! Back-breaking! - Never mind that! 70 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:18,160 - Captain Mainwaring, can I have a word with you? - I'm busy. 71 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:25,120 We all are! I wanted to give you plenty of notice that the hall won't be free on Saturday fortnight. 72 00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:29,680 Oh? Well, I may need it for a serious military purpose! 73 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:36,560 - We're having a church bazaar in aid of comforts for the troops. - Why have I only just learned this? 74 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:40,840 - It was only decided just now - that's why! - That will do. 75 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:48,440 - This is the kind of project that will have our whole-hearted support, isn't it? - I shouldn't be surprised. 76 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:53,480 With the Home Guard behind you, it could take on a much broader aspect. 77 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:57,560 Summon all the important people in the town to a meeting. 78 00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:02,680 - We'll form an executive committee. We'll need a chairman. - A chairman? 79 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:05,280 Now, I wonder who that will be? 80 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:10,320 PEOPLE MURMUR 81 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:13,560 Now, as chairman... 82 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:19,520 ..may I just bring the meeting to order...? 83 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:21,520 - Hold on! - > 84 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:28,200 Why is it that, whenever we have a meeting, you're always the chairman? Who elected you? 85 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:33,000 It was perfectly above board. I was elected by the steering committee. 86 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,040 And who elected them? 87 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:36,840 - I did. - You see! 88 00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:42,040 I feel sure we're all most happy to have Captain Mainwaring as chairman. 89 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:48,360 I have a meeting of my general purposes committee in one hour and five minutes, 90 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:50,400 so please can we proceed? 91 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:56,800 - Thank you very much. - Sorry we're late, Captain Mainwaring, we've been coupon counting. 92 00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:01,400 We always do coupon counting on the last Wednesday of the month. 93 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,840 I dread it, I really dread it! 94 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:10,760 - If it wasn't for Mrs Fox, I couldn't carry on! She's awfully good to me! - I'm sure she is. Sit down. 95 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,800 I do the odd hundred 96 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:16,840 and then I make him a nice cup of tea and things! 97 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:20,160 It's the least I can do, isn't it? 98 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:23,880 - Can we get on? - Yes, can we get on, please? 99 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:26,680 - I second that! - Be quiet, Mr Yeatman! 100 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:32,720 How many offers of help have we on hand at the moment, Sergeant Wilson? 101 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:36,400 Mrs Yeatman has kindly offered to do the tombola. 102 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:40,880 - She always does the tombola! - Well, she's very good at it! 103 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:45,040 On the other hand, if Mrs Pike wants to do the tombola... 104 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:50,160 - I don't want to do the tombola. - Then why did you mention it? - Don't start! 105 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:54,240 You lay on the settee with your muddy boots on last night! 106 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:58,400 - Mavis, please! - Wet the antimacassar and tried to rub it off! 107 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:03,360 - Told you not to rinse the inner rose bowl, didn't I? - Please be quiet! 108 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:06,800 - Can we get on? - Yes, please. Can we get on? 109 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,240 Perhaps I'd better take the list. 110 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:12,880 You're going to rue the day you ever met that woman! 111 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:16,520 I'm doing quite a lot of ruing at this very moment! 112 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:22,560 Well, now. Mr Godfrey, I understand that you're going to provide some chutney. 113 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:28,960 Yes, my sister Dorothy has three jars of honey and quite a lot of wine - elderberry. 114 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:32,440 You've tasted it, I think, Mr Frazer. 115 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,480 Uh-huh. Once. 116 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:38,040 I must admit, I found it totally undrinkable, 117 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:43,800 but no doubt some fool will pay the money in the name of charity, son. 118 00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:48,280 I would like to say that I am about to donate a monster brawn! 119 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:50,200 A monster brawn? 120 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:56,920 You can serve it a slice at a time on plates or you can have a monster brawn raffle. 121 00:08:56,920 --> 00:09:01,040 - What sort of monster will it be made from? - Be quiet! 122 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:05,720 Mrs Fox here is going to do fortune telling in a Gypsy tent! 123 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:12,520 - Fortune telling, eh? - That's right - cards or ball. 124 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:17,120 - The work of the Devil! - I'll only charge sixpence. - That's cheap enough. 125 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:21,600 And each person gets five minutes alone with me! 126 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:28,320 Alone, eh? Oh, well, it's a good cause, and you're a fine-built woman. 127 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:34,200 - I'll take a chance! - Mr Chairman, point of order, what is Mrs Mainwaring going to do? 128 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:38,240 - That isn't a point of order. - See? She's not doing anything! 129 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:41,040 She's providing some lampshades. 130 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:46,600 She makes them from odds and ends - helps pass the time in the shelter. 131 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:48,600 So, yah, boo, sucks! 132 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:55,840 - One more outburst like that and you'll go home. - He's a young hooligan, that's what he is! 133 00:09:55,840 --> 00:10:00,240 - And what are YOU going to do? - Yes, let's keep to the matter in hand! 134 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:03,680 - Mr Hodges has a wonderful surprise for us! - Yes. 135 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:08,480 It's better than your mouldy old wine and rotten lampshades! 136 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,480 I'm going to donate three oranges! 137 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:18,280 - ALL: Three oranges! - I bet none of you has seen oranges for years! You can auction them off. 138 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:20,480 Where did you get three oranges? 139 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:23,120 Never you mind. They'll make a lot of money. That's all that matters. 140 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:25,120 I'm sure we're all very grateful. 141 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:28,160 - I'll second that. - Be quiet, Mr Yeatman. 142 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:32,440 There was a function at Eastgate last week. They had sausage rolls. 143 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:36,080 Couldn't we have sausage rolls? 144 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:39,120 On behalf of Mrs Yeatman, one thing's got to be made perfectly clear. 145 00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:43,080 If we're going to have sausage rolls, we've got to have sausages. 146 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:50,280 They were made from some, um... vegetable concoction, 147 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:52,880 but the trick was they had puff pastry! 148 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:58,960 - They were very nice! - You can't have puff pastry without fat! 149 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:03,800 - Anybody knows that! - Men don't! They think we wave a fairy wand! 150 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:07,040 They don't have to queue up for hours on end! 151 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:14,280 - Well, don't queue outside my shop. I haven't got any fat! - You take Mr Jones for granted - all of you! 152 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:20,760 - What do you mean? I wouldn't go to his shop with wellington boots on! - You couldn't - 153 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:23,200 you're not registered with me! 154 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,760 Don't let's get this discussion heated, please! 155 00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:31,240 We're only here to raise money to send comforts to the troops. 156 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,280 Hey, I've got an idea! 157 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:36,800 We could all club together and send 'em Mrs Fox! 158 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,440 Oh! 159 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,920 - Go to my office at once! - It was only a joke. 160 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:48,080 Wilson! 161 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,160 - How dare you! - It was a joke! 162 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,240 This is your fault. You're far too lax with this boy. 163 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:53,880 Don't you blame the boy. 164 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:56,040 It's all happened since he's been with you lot. 165 00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,840 - Since I... - I'll box your ears! 166 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:07,240 # Lights out was sounded long ago... # 167 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:11,120 There you are, Pikey! Look at that! 168 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,160 Isn't that a picture? 169 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:16,600 That really is a monster brawn, that. 170 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,600 Don't do that! 171 00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:19,640 No, don't! 172 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,920 - Mr Jones! - What is it, Mrs Fox? 173 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,560 I've lost one of my globes! 174 00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:32,160 - Had you got them both when you arrived? - Of course I had! - Could you gaze into something else? - No! 175 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:35,400 I know. I can run home and get Mum's goldfish bowl. 176 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:40,760 Don't be silly, Pikey. I don't expect Mrs Fox to gaze into 177 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,600 a goldfish bowl with a lot of goldfish swimming about. 178 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:44,920 She'd be gazing in for inspiration, 179 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:47,760 and they'd be gazing out going... 180 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:54,320 - How's everything going? - Very well. My sister had a very good idea. 181 00:12:54,320 --> 00:13:01,280 She's letting people taste the wine before they buy it so that they know what to expect. 182 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:04,640 Would you like to try some? It's my best elderberry. 183 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:09,720 - At two in the afternoon? No, thank you. - Would Mr Wilson like some? 184 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:14,760 I would indeed. Thank you so much. How nice of you. Thank you so much. 185 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,440 What's all that palaver about? 186 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:40,760 That's the way you do it. The French always do that. Actually, one should spit it out. 187 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:44,520 Let's not have any dirty foreign tricks here! 188 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:49,800 Ah, silhouettes, eh? That's a novelty! 189 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:51,840 Aye, it is. 190 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:54,360 Would you like me to do you, sir? 191 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,800 - Oh, yes, why not? - Only sixpence! 192 00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,360 Well, it will help the war effort. 193 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,800 Now, you have to stand VERY still. 194 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:06,240 - Captain Mainwaring, sir... - Yes? - My monster's gone shiny! 195 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,280 What did you say? 196 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,320 Still, I said! 197 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:13,880 It's too hot in here. It's melting! What shall I do? 198 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:18,120 Perfectly simple, Jones. Take it outside where it's cool 199 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:24,880 - and bring it in sometimes to show to people. - Oh! What would we do without your organising ability? 200 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:29,320 Pikey! Come on, we'll take this outside. It's too hot in here. 201 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,000 Well, don't joggle it about! 202 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:34,320 It's not me. It's you! 203 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:37,280 There you are, sir - you to a tee! 204 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:41,200 - That's awfully good, sir. Perfect likeness! - Rubbish! 205 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:46,360 It's awful! 206 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,840 It's just a round lump! 207 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:54,200 Well, you ARE a round lump! 208 00:14:54,200 --> 00:15:00,160 - I didn't pay sixpence to be insulted, Frazer. - I think you're getting a bargain! 209 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:04,480 If you were in uniform, I'd put you on a charge for insolent behaviour! 210 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:11,080 - Why is this table empty? - It's for Mrs Mainwaring's lampshades. - Yes, lampshades. 211 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:13,600 Just come in the office, will you? 212 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:19,040 - Look at that! Mouth-watering, isn't it? - A rare sight indeed, Mr Hodges. 213 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:22,920 I don't think I've seen an orange for over two years. 214 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:24,960 It was just before the War 215 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:28,480 in a Scouts' production of Good King Charles. 216 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,640 You played Nell Gwyn! 217 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:33,600 Ah! Happy Days! 218 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:38,040 - Please, sit down. - Thank you, sir. 219 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:44,120 - Now, about these lampshades of Mrs Mainwaring's... - Oh, yes? 220 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:47,560 She's been making them for over a year now, 221 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:54,640 but I've never said anything about it, because she's rather sensitive to criticism. The fact is... 222 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:58,360 - they're rather unusual. - Unusual? 223 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:03,080 Yes. Not to put too fine a point on it, they're bizarre... 224 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:11,840 - ..but she is determined to bring them along here to help out. - Ha, ha! 225 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:15,360 - Is there a joke? - Yes, there is a bit of a joke. 226 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:18,840 You see - the bazaar for the bizarre! 227 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:25,320 Do you see what I mean? Do you understand? It's a play on... 228 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:33,000 Yes. Now, I realise that these lampshades are going to call for some rather ribald remarks 229 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,440 from the more plebeian factions of the town, 230 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:41,560 but I said to myself, "She's my wife, and I must stand up for her." 231 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:46,600 - That's very noble of you, sir! - Yes. Then came the incident of the bath. 232 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:54,160 - The bath? - Mmm. You see, we have a rather old bath at home, and some of the enamel's chipped off, 233 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:58,640 - and there's a dirty brown stain under the taps. - Oh, dear. 234 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:03,200 I was in the ironmonger's yesterday and saw some bath enamel, 235 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:07,680 - so while she was shopping today, I put a coat on. - Did it work? 236 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,880 Only up to a point. 237 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:15,160 Unfortunately, it takes five hours to dry... 238 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:20,080 ..and Elizabeth is very unpredictable, you see. 239 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:25,360 How would I have known she'd take a bath in the middle of the day? 240 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:30,920 - I was in my study when it happened. - What happened? 241 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:34,480 I heard a dreadful scream come from the bathroom, 242 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,920 dashed in to find her standing in the bath... 243 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:42,360 and the paint had come off in one long strip, you understand, 244 00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:47,040 she was wrapped in a sort of... a sort of... 245 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:49,400 I see - a sort of enamel skirt. 246 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,440 Quite! 247 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:57,880 - There was hell to pay, of course! - Yes. - Then came the question of how to get the stuff off. 248 00:17:57,880 --> 00:17:59,880 Chemicals were no use, 249 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:02,400 a pumice stone wouldn't shift it. 250 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:06,720 - Sandpaper? - Oh, no, no, no! Very delicate skin! 251 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:11,240 Anyway, I managed to take off the bits that were hanging down 252 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:15,320 and told her that she'd just have to let the rest wear off. 253 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:18,960 She became hysterical, and to calm her down, I said, 254 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:24,440 - "Don't worry, nobody will see you undressed." - Did it do any good? 255 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,480 Not at all. 256 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:30,240 She ran into the bedroom and slammed the door. 257 00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:34,600 This means, of course, that she won't be here this afternoon. 258 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:41,640 - I really am awfully sorry about that, sir. - There's one thing which might retrieve the situation - 259 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:44,000 one of Hodges' oranges. 260 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:49,120 Now, that might calm her down, you see. She's very partial to oranges. 261 00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:55,800 - Well, let's hope that does the trick! - There is only one consolation about the whole thing... 262 00:18:55,800 --> 00:19:01,040 - What's that? - I shan't have to be embarrassed by any damn lampshades! 263 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:06,480 - That's the lot. - He will be pleased! - What are you doing?! 264 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:10,920 - Putting out Mrs Mainwaring's lampshades. - How did you get them? 265 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:14,480 Well, when I was coming here, I passed your house, 266 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,920 and on the doorstep was a big box. 267 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:20,600 I was standing there, the door opened a crack, 268 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:23,000 and a finger beckoned to me. 269 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:27,240 So I went up, and underneath the fingernail was white paint. 270 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:33,680 There was this mad, cackling laugh, the finger pointed at the box, and the door slammed. 271 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:37,760 You don't think it's your cleaning lady gone potty, do you? 272 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,280 - Here are two more. - They're lovely! 273 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:45,200 Hey, everybody, look at these lampshades Mrs Mainwaring made! 274 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:53,920 You stupid boy! 275 00:19:55,680 --> 00:20:00,200 Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please? 276 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:07,240 Welcome to our winter bazaar, and here to perform the opening ceremony is our popular town clerk, 277 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,920 Mr Gordon! 278 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:13,640 - Go and fetch the brawn! We're opening! - Oh, right. 279 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:15,680 Good afternoon, citizens! 280 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:23,000 Now, as you know, this bazaar is in aid of the town's Comforts for the Troops fund. 281 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:27,320 Every penny that you give... will be another nail... 282 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:29,840 in Hitler's coffin! 283 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:33,880 - PEOPLE CHEER - Hear! Hear! 284 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:35,920 So go to it with a will! 285 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:38,240 I now declare this bazaar... 286 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,280 well and truly open! 287 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:45,640 - Pompous idiot! - Well, at least he was brief! 288 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:47,920 - WALK UP! WALK UP... - > 289 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:49,960 AND SEE MY LOVELY ORANGES! 290 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:55,480 I SHALL BE AUCTIONING THEM OFF AT HALF PAST FOUR! WALK UP! WALK UP! 291 00:20:55,480 --> 00:21:02,720 - He makes it sound like a fairground! - He's so common! He shouldn't be allowed in public places! 292 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:07,200 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! COME AND SEE MY MONSTER BRAWN! 293 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:13,800 Due to circumstances beyond my control, it will only be on view for a few minutes at a time, 294 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,840 as it has to wait outside. 295 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:17,880 Make way for the brawn! 296 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,920 Make way! 297 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:21,960 There we are! 298 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:25,280 Monster brawn's arrived! 299 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:30,480 Stand still, man! How can I get a likeness if you keep fidgeting? 300 00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:33,800 - Do try some elderberry wine! - Thank you! 301 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:37,680 I think I'll go and get some tombola tickets, Wilson. 302 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,320 They've got a bottle of whisky for the first prize. 303 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,960 Elizabeth takes a drop now and again - purely medicinal, of course. 304 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,160 Yes, of course. 305 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:50,080 Ladies and gentlemen. It is now three o'clock, 306 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:57,400 - and the monster brawn will be on view for a further ten minutes! - Mind your backs, please! 307 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:01,640 Guess what... 308 00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:12,680 - I'll buy some more tombola tickets. - You've bought a lot already, sir. 309 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:19,840 - Haven't you won anything? - Only this boat race favour! - It's awfully attractive - it's Cambridge, too! 310 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:25,560 - Sorry, Mr Gordon. - Look what I've won, Captain Mainwaring! 311 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,600 A bottle of whisky! 312 00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:31,040 Heaven certainly smiled on me this afternoon! 313 00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:34,640 - Would you like some more tickets? - No, thank you. 314 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:38,160 Pikey, quickly! Outside with it! It's melting! 315 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:42,840 I'm sick and tired of lugging this thing in and out all afternoon! 316 00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:46,000 - Don't joggle it about! - Make way! 317 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:48,040 Good heavens! What's that? 318 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:52,200 - Sponge! - Yes, Captain Mainwaring? 319 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:57,320 - Why is she wearing that lampshade? - I couldn't sell them as lampshades, 320 00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:00,840 - so I'm selling them as funny hats. - How dare you! 321 00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:02,880 - (SLURRING) - Sho shorry! 322 00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:11,680 - I beg your pardon! - That's all right. - What's the matter with him? - He's tiddly. - How could he be? 323 00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:14,240 What's going on over there? 324 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:15,720 They're drunk! 325 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:17,960 Stay away! 326 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:22,440 - How much wine have you sold? - None at all, I'm afraid, sir. 327 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:25,240 What about these empty bottles? 328 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:28,800 Everybody's tasting it, but nobody's buying it. 329 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:36,480 - While I was outside with the brawn, a despatch rider asked me to give you this. - Where is he now? 330 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:40,520 - He's getting on his bike. - Stop him. I want to talk to him. 331 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:44,240 Captain Mainwaring, I want to raffle the brawn now. 332 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:48,040 - We can't keep lugging it in and out. - Sorry, he's gone. 333 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:54,760 - Mr Jones, there's something outside you ought to see. - What is it? - Brace yourself for a shock! 334 00:23:54,760 --> 00:24:00,600 This will be about tomorrow's exercise. After the auction, get the men into my office. 335 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,640 All right, sir. 336 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,680 Captain Mainwaring! 337 00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:08,160 That despatch rider's run over my brawn! 338 00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:14,200 Good heavens! How did he do that? 339 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:17,040 He sort of went...brmmm! 340 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:24,040 WALK UP! WALK UP! I SHALL NOW AUCTION MY ORANGES! 341 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:25,880 WALK UP! 342 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,600 WALK UP! 343 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:32,200 - I'm determined to get an orange! - How high are you prepared to go? 344 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:36,040 Where my wife is concerned, the sky's the limit! 345 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:39,840 Here, Mr Hodges! I just heard Captain Mainwaring say 346 00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:46,200 - he's determined to get one of those oranges! - Well, he's not going to! I'll see to that! 347 00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:52,480 Now, lot one, the first orange. Now, what am I bid for this lovely juicy orange? 348 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:56,040 Sixpence down here. Thank you very much! 349 00:24:56,040 --> 00:25:00,880 - Can I say one shilling now? I have sixpence down here. - One shilling. 350 00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:07,440 - Sold for one shilling! - I haven't finished bidding! - You want to speak up a bit sharpish! 351 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:09,880 You mumble, that's your trouble! 352 00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:14,600 Right, lot two. What am I bid for this lovely juicy orange? 353 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:17,040 - One shilling. - Thank you very much. 354 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:21,880 Can I say two shillings now? I have one shilling down here. 355 00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:25,600 Two shillings, anybody? I have a shilling down here! 356 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:29,120 I'm withdrawing this orange from the sale! 357 00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:32,400 - Why? - It hasn't reached its reserve price! 358 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:36,320 - What is its reserve price? - Mind your own business! 359 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:40,960 - Frank, you buy the orange for Captain Mainwaring. - All right. 360 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:44,480 Lot three. What am I bid for this lovely orange? 361 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:47,000 One shilling, thank you very much. 362 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:51,440 Can I say two shillings? Two shillings, thank you very much. 363 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:55,200 Can I say three shillings now? Can I say three? 364 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:58,000 Three shillings, thank you. 365 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:02,040 Can I say four shillings for this lovely round orange? 366 00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:05,480 Four shillings! Thank you very much indeed! 367 00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:08,720 Can I say five for this lovely orange now? 368 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:13,680 Don't forget - all the money goes to the troops. Can I say five? 369 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:18,360 Five! Thank you very much! Can I say six? 370 00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:22,760 Can I say six? Come along! This lovely juicy orange! 371 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:29,800 Six! Thank you very much! Can I say seven now for this lovely orange? 372 00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,320 Only fell off the tree last week! 373 00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:38,440 Seven! Thank you to the little fat gentleman in the front! 374 00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:42,520 Can I say eight now? 375 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:44,960 I've got seven. Can I say eight? 376 00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:47,560 Anybody, eight? 377 00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:51,000 Eight shillings! Thank you very much! 378 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,040 Can I say nine? 379 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,680 Nine shillings, thank you! Can I say ten shillings? 380 00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:05,240 It's going for the first time at nine shillings... Going for the second time at nine shillings... 381 00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:10,680 - Sold for ten shillings! - What are you doing?! 382 00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:16,720 - Frank bought it for you. - Why didn't you say so? I've been bidding against myself! 383 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:21,520 - It was in your own interest! - Get the men in the office! - All right. 384 00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:25,920 Ten shillings for an orange?! The boy's gone off his head! 385 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:29,160 - Your orange, Mr Mainwaring! - Thank you. 386 00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:32,600 PHONE RINGS See who that is, will you? 387 00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:35,640 Hello? Oh, hello, Mrs Mainwaring. 388 00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:39,000 Er, tell her I'm not here. 389 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,120 He says he's not here. 390 00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:49,560 Yes. I'll give him that message. You're going to stay with your sister for the weekend. Right. 391 00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:52,080 Tell her I've got an orange for her. 392 00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:57,320 - (MIMICS MAINWARING) - He's got an orange for you. 393 00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:59,880 I don't think he could do that! 394 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:03,560 She hung up! 395 00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:10,120 - You wanted to see us, sir? - Yes. - I'll round up the others, sir. - Don't bother. Close the door. 396 00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:12,440 I just wanted to thank you, men, 397 00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:14,520 for all your hard work today. 398 00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:17,120 Once again, you've given your best, 399 00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:23,200 and the ten shillings I paid for this orange have swelled the coffers enormously. 400 00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:27,120 - You haven't paid me yet! - Quiet, boy! Now... 401 00:28:27,120 --> 00:28:32,680 this orange cost ten shillings, and I'm going to share it with you. 402 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:38,000 - That's very good of you, sir. - Your generosity is beyond all bounds! 403 00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,040 Thank you so much, sir. 404 00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:46,840 - You're like a father and mother to us, Captain Mainwaring! - To us! Comrades in arms! To us! 405 00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:52,640 Here, you'll find that orange rather bitter. It's for making marmalade! 406 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:41,040 Subtitles by BBC 407 00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:45,080 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk