# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think we're on the run?
# We are the boys Who will stop your little game,
# We are the boys Who will make you think again,
# cos who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think old England's done?
# Mr Brown goes off to town On the 8.21
# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun!
# So who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think old England's done? #
GUNSHOTS
- Don't jerk the trigger, Pikey. Squeeze it like a lemon! - A lemon?
Yes, Mr Jones.
That's rather good, Frank.
We're improving. They'll be calling us Mr Mainwaring's Sharpshooters!
Your turn now, Captain Mainwaring.
- What have I got to beat? - Frazer's got the best score - two bulls, two inners and one outer.
I think we can improve on that!
Would you like a wee wager?
Yes! I don't mind.
- A shilling? - Make it ten.
- Rather a lot of money. - Backing down? - No!
I'll do the spotting, sir.
Who's in charge? Captain Mainwaring the one shooting the gun.
You're doing ever so well, Captain. That's two bulls and one inner.
U-hmm!
Missed!
U-hmm!
Missed!
What ARE you doing? Who are you?
I'm the butler from the big hall. I've a message from His Lordship.
He says he's taking his nap so will you stop shooting.
Doesn't he know we're at war? If he doesn't like noise, why does he have a range?
The range is for real soldiers. You're only here on sufferance!
So will you kindly jack it in, my good man?
I'll take my ten shillings now!
What a terrible day. I've never been so humiliated.
- Don't take it too seriously. - What?
It was rather amusing. We're NOT real soldiers!
Don't stand up for that butler!
He was only doing his job. His Lordship wanted a nap.
- I can remember a cousin of mine with his butler... - Oh, yes! You privileged classes stick together!
Things will change after the war!
The common man will come forward. Professionals will run the country, doctors, lawyers...bank managers!
- And people like you! - Yes, people like me.
You mean common!
Now watch it, Wilson.
- I didn't know you were a socialist. - How dare you!
Take that back!
But you said that the country would be run by common men like you.
I said nothing about common men. I said THE common man.
- People who succeed through effort not because father has a title. Their day's over. - What'll they do?
- They'll go to work! We'll have democracy! - And if they disagree? - They'll have no say in the matter!
I'm not having it!
- I am not having it! - What's wrong?
Bluett was using this stirrup pump on his greenfly!
'Ere, give me my stirrup pump back!
No. You abused it. It's mine to abuse!
It's not yours. It's on loan. I'm having it back!
Let go of that! How dare you?
You wouldn't have done that to me if I was 57 years younger!
- Stop bullying poor old Mr Bluett! - Soapy water corrodes the washer.
I've been using soapy water for 80 years and it hasn't corroded me!
You are NOT having it back!
I hate you...! What?
I hate you! And I'm not alone! Do you know what the kids do behind your back?
"Put that light out!"
I don't believe it.
See? He's got feet of clay.
I think perhaps I should go, Mr Bluett.
He's not having my pump, though!
The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
"Put that light out!" Leave me alone!
I can't stand it! I can't take any more, Napoleon!
- Everyone hates me. Nobody's taking the war seriously. - I agree with you.
Well, there hasn't been an invasion these two years. People think we're wasting our time.
That's what Germany wants lull us into a false sense of security.
Something has to be done about it!
- KNOCKING - Come in. ..Yes?
Will you see a deputation, sir?
Oh. Very well.
Thanks very much, sir. Deputation, into the office, at the double, quick march!
Deputation...halt!
- What's this about? - Well, after this afternoon's humiliating experience, the men's morale is at rock bottom.
Do you know what they're calling us in the town...? The Geriatric Fusiliers!
And in some cases... they're right.
- Mr Mainwaring, my mum says that home guard training is turning Uncle Arthur into a brute. - Frank!
- You got cross with the washing-up and broke a cup in the sink! - All right!
We've got to make this town appreciate the home guard.
Well, I look at it this way, sir our job is to stop Germans roaming the country, ravishing our maidens.
- Well... - Do you remember when we took part in that training film dressed as German soldiers? - Yes.
The whole county thought we was the real thing!
Yes, and you had to see the area commander.
What did he say to you, sir?
I don't wish to discuss that!
We should dress as fifth columnists and roam the countryside and that would give the town a fright!
Ah, no...! I think you're getting into the realms of fantasy, Jones.
Wait that might do the trick.
I don't want to roam around ravishing maidens!
- What do you think? - It wouldn't work. The Army would be onto us like a shot.
Not if GHQ already knew about it.
Can I come, Napoleon? No! We don't want him!
- Like us, Mr Hodges has been reviled for going about his duty. Yes, you can join us, Hodges. - FRAZER: No...!
- We'll shake the complacency out of the town. - We'll give them a fright!
# We must all stick together... #
I'm not happy about the idea, Mainwaring!
But we should dispel apathy, sir.
Hmm. When I inspected the Dymchurch platoon, so many men were absent it was like walking down a fish queue.
Ha... Well, there you are, you see.
Well, all right, but keep me informed!
I'm going to call it Operation Wake-Up Walmington-On-Sea.
Just call it Operation Wake-Up.
- Will do. - Where's your HQ?
In the old flour mill. I've asked the men to rendezvous there after dark on Saturday night.
I've said not to shave and to look suspicious.
- What are they going to wear? - They're going to be dressed as fifth columnists...
What do fifth columnists wear? I've never met one.
Oooh, er, something very sinister.
I've also said to get dressed up as cut-throats and desperados.
- I see. Well, good luck, Mainwaring. - Thank you, sir.
Cut-throats and desperados...?
# You started something,
# Yes, you did, but you didn't... #
Where's the light switch?
Operator, Walmington 382, please.
What...? What's my number? Oh...
633.
PHONE RINGS Hello?
- Wake-Up! Roger! - Eh?
Wake-Up! Roger!
I'm not Roger and I haven't been asleep.
- Who is this? - It's me...the verger.
Where's Godfrey?
Out. He's asked me to mind the phone.
He'd no business to pop out. When he returns, give him this message -
Operation Wake-Up. Roger.
And tell him to ring Walmington 633 at once. Have you got that?
Yes, I've got it 6-3-3.
Captain Mainwaring's been on. He left a message. What was it?
Ah! Yes, let me see. Someone named Roger is going to have an operation and you've got to ring that number.
It must be the hospital. Oh, dear.
633.
Could you get me 633, please?
Could be appendicitis!
RINGING
- Is that the hospital? - What?!
Is that you, Godfrey?
How's Roger? Will he be all right?
What are you babbling about?
I had a message that Roger had appendicitis and had to have an operation.
- The message was that Operation Wake-Up has started. - O-oh, Operation Wake-Up...
- Now stand by that phone and don't go to sleep! - I got that part of the message!
Sir.
Take off that eye patch. I thought of that first.
- You cannae wear one with glasses! - I know! I'll take the glasses off.
Why don't you wear this over the other eye...? Then you'd look very suspicious!
Now watch it, Frazer.
What game are you playing?
Do you like it? I copied it from a photograph of Edward G Robinson.
Brush the chalk off it.
But we have to look like desperados!
Yes, but not like American gangsters.
- Do you think that fits the bill? - I think it looks absurd.
Well, you told us to look as suspicious as possible.
There's a difference between suspicious and absurd. Where did you get it?
- I used to wear it at the Tramps' Ball at the Savoy. - Oh, really...?
I've never seen anything look so stupid in my life.
It's better than wearing an eye patch with glasses.
- Wilson... - Sir?
I can understand Pike wearing something stupid...
Very young boy. Vivid imagination.
Thinks everything's a game.
But I think you've dressed like that simply to annoy me.
- Get those gloves and that hat off. - All right. If you insist.
MR HODGES WHISTLES "The Stripper"
Oh, Lord!
Bet you didn't know it was me, sir!
You've gone too far.
Let me be a nun. The papers say everyone's dressing up as a nun.
- Just get it off. - But I've ordinary clothes on underneath. I shan't look peculiar.
I wouldnae say that, son.
All right! Now settle down, the lot of you.
Make yourselves comfortable. There are plenty of sacks. We move at first light.
# Moonlight becomes you,
# It goes with your hair... #
Platoon, halt!
We don't look suspicious or furtive enough.
Yes, well, if I were to turn my collar up like this...
make my eyes shifty like this...
Any good?
- Not really. Jones, tell the men to march like a rabble, in a shifty, furtive manner. - Sir!
Platoon, in shifty and furtive manner, like rabble, quick march!
Halt...! Jones, stop that truck and ask where the aerodrome is.
- I'll put on a German accent. - Very good idea.
Halt!
Fool! I nearly ran you over!
I vant to know, vhere is ze aerodrome?
- What aerodrome? - Er...any aerodrome.
You heard him! Vhere is it?
Foreigners! You're barmy!
Don't take that tone with me, my man!
Mr Mainwaring... you look even more suspicious now!
We're getting nowhere at this rate. We've got to do something drastic.
When somebody comes by, let's hit Hodges. We'll look like we're extracting information.
Good idea. I'll go first. No!
- We shall only pretend. - That's right. We'll just pretend like this.
That hurt!
Something's coming.
Right, Frazer, Wilson! You two, grab hold of him. Pike, Jones, start interrogating him.
- PIKE USES AMERICAN ACCENT: You'd better talk! - Stupid boy!
- So you von't talk, hah? - Hit him!
Hey! What's going on?
- Ve are asking ze questions! - Ve vant answers! - Oooh!
What do you want to know?
- Don't tell 'em! - Shut up!
They're fifth columnists!
Rubbish! That's Mr Jones, the butcher.
How did you know who I was?
I live in Walmington! I know you all!
And I know you! The last time I was in your shop, you short-changed me. I've been waiting for this.
Oo-oh!
Come on, back to the ship.
Sailing tonight, are you? Now, careless talk costs lives!
Sorry! Go to the crossroads. You can hitch a lift to Dover. It's only 20 miles.
Thanks. Come on, Frenchy.
Au revoir, mes amis. Good luck.
French! Mmm.
You done that deliberate! You held me while he hit me!
Shut up! It was your own fault!
- Serves you right. You give us shopkeepers a bad name. - Halt!
- This is absurd. Nobody's taking any notice of us. - Try them men over there.
- Good idea! And this time, I'll do the talking. - In a German accent? - No!
Where's the aerodrome?
Just a minute.
- Those men look very suspicious. - They do! - More fifth columnists?
- They're dressed like us. They must be. - We can't be certain.
- ­ We should ask to see their papers. - You're quite right.
Come on.
- Who are you? - Who are YOU?
- Why are you dressed like that? - Why are you? - Stop repeating me!
- They look like spies. - How absurd!
- Show us your papers. - Show us yours. - I've had enough of this.
I demand to see your papers!
Give me that back.
- Show us YOUR papers. - Show us yours!
- We're not going to. - Oh, yes, you are. - Oh, no, we're not.
Halt!
You know what we're doing. Come on!
­ You can leave me out of this.
All right, Hodges, you stay here. And hold your tongue.
Come on.
Ah...zat vas a very good morning's vork, vas it not?
- Ja! A good morning's vork! - Ja, ja! It vas a good morning!
That's a fact...! Jawohl!
That is ein fact!
We have seen ze aerodrome!
Did you count ze planes?
- I made many notes. - Und we have seen the ships!
Also, I wrote down ze numbers of ze ships.
But we need some more of ze information.
Why do we not...ask them?
This is a very good idea.
We will ask them ze questions and get answers!
That's done the trick. Let's get back to the mill.
We can cut across the fields.
Hello, Mr Godfrey. You still here?
I'm in charge of the telephone. Could you carry on for me for a few minutes?
Yes, but don't be long. I won't be.
Good morning, Vicar. Good morning.
Platoon, HALT! >
Do you mind? I want to get my sermon.
GOOD morning! Mainwaring ABOUT?
No.
On Sunday morning! Where IS HE? I've no idea! PHONE RINGS
Reverend Timothy Farthing... What?
There's no-one here. ..Oh, dear!
WHAT'S the matter? Dymchurch police want the home guard.
Typical! Mainwaring's not here. Slacker! I'll take it.
Move!
Hello, hello. Captain Square here, commanding Eastgate platoon home guard, don't you know, what?
What?
Good heavens...! I say, are you sure?
I'll be over right away!
They say there's a bunch of fifth columnists over there! Desperados!
Armed to the teeth! Asking about aerodromes. They were seen at the Six Bells.
I must get over there. Where is the Six Bells?
Five miles up the Dymchurch road.
Damnation! We've got no transport.
Captain Mainwaring's van's outside. Damned good idea!
Shouldn't you ring GHQ? No! Come and show me the way.
I'm not getting involved! And I've got to take the collection.
Never mind that, you old fool. Come on, get out! Out, out, out!
Which way did they GO?
They went that way, sir.
Right, we'll get 'em! Ha-ha! Tally-ho!
Any sign of them, Captain?
No. Nothing!
There they ARE!
We've got 'EM!
All right, men, back in the van.
Good morning's work, eh, Wilson?
Yes. We gave them quite a fright.
What are we doing now, Captain?
- We'll march on the gasworks. - Why?
It's 12 o'clock. Everybody's cooking Sunday lunch we turn off the gas.
Right, men, surround the building.
AND NOT A SOUND!
Come on, men! FOLLOW ME!
What's that noise out there?
It's Captain Square.
He's got my van!
ALL RIGHT! I'll give you one minute to come out of there, WITH YOUR HANDS UP!
Or I'll BLAST you out!
Don't panic he's going to blast us out! Don't panic! Don't panic!
- Jones! - What do we do? - I'm not surrendering to that idiot Square.
He's a trigger-happy maniac!
He won't shoot. Even he's not mad enough for that.
CHARGE!
Mainwaring, what the HELL are you doing here?
You madman! You nearly killed us all!
Well, Mainwaring, for the last few years you've been behaving like a clown, and now you look like one.
- It fooled you! - Yes, we had you running all over the countryside.
- I knew who it was the whole time. - Rubbish! You fell for it. You fool!
- You'll take that back! - No. You've been a fool for years!
Don't call me a fool, you fool!
- I'll report you to the colonel. - You rotten sneak!
I'll kick you out of the golf club!
You're not a member of the club.
Subtitles by BBC Scotland