# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think we're on the run?
# We are the boys who will stop your little game,
# We are the boys who will make you think again,
# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think old England's done?
# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,
# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun.
# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,
# If you think old England's done? #
It sounds quite a party.
Our biggest exercise yet.
We have two brigades, a battery of 25 pounders, and air support. We've even got some tanks.
I'm relying on you to umpire.
Well, I've hit a bit of a snag. I've got the same old leg trouble. But I've managed to find a deputy.
He runs the Walmington-on-Sea platoon. Captain Mainwaring.
- He'll be unpopular if he gets anything wrong. - He's quite used to that.
We need someone who's neutral, unbiased and fair-minded.
That's him.
If I had my way, I'd shoot all black marketeers.
Have you heard about that umpiring?
Yes, I've protested against it.
I've no time for umpiring. I'm a leader.
You're quite right, Captain.
You don't want to be an umpire. We didn't have umpires in the Sudan.
Kitchener didn't believe in them.
"All's fair in love and war," he used to say. He was educated.
He used to make us wait until the fuzzy-wuzzies were 60 yards away. Then we'd mow them down.
You don't need an umpire to say you're dead.
That's like school. I remember a boy pinching tuck from the snodge.
Was this a foreign school you were at?
- I didn't want to beat him. - "Beat him"?
Sixth-formers are supposed to keep some sort of order.
The whole system reeks of depravity.
They made brave officers because of all that depravity.
PHONE RINGS
Mainwaring.
Mainwaring, it's no dice with the brigadier. You're the umpire.
I suppose an order's an order, sir.
But you will get a staff car.
Oh, a staff car.
You might just be able to hang onto it.
- I'll get it along to you today. - Thank you very much indeed, sir.
Oh, well...
I'm getting a car.
That's marvellous...why?
- Umpiring is an important job. - What sort of car? - A limousine, I suppose.
VICAR: Is this necessary, Mr Hodges?
What has to be, has to be. You say that often enough in your sermons.
He always says some good bits in his sermons.
- What's going on? - New black-out regulations. No smoking at night, and all keyholes to be bunged up.
I've got enough putty to fill up all the reverence's keyholes.
And it's fresh. Smell it.
I have no desire to. I hate linseed.
Half that keyhole belongs to the military.
It's been proved by experts that a light shining through a keyhole
can be seen by an enemy plane.
Mum said you were here.
This is my niece. She's on leave.
Hello.
- Cpl Jones. - Sir. - This is Sgt Wilson. - How do you do? - Not you!
May I say how very pretty you look in your uniform.
Very feminine and efficient.
Wilson, put that girl down.
CAR HONKS
- What's that? - Sorry to interrupt. The Colonel's driven into the yard.
- The Colonel's arrived. Turn out, the guard. - Jones!
- He's not there. - He's outside.
Fall in, the guard. Fall in, the guard...
I can't stay here. My staff car's arrived.
- How did you get a staff car? - Through my position. - That wouldn't get you a pair of roller skates.
Here you are, Mainwaring.
- There's a box of thunderflashes in the back to simulate mortar fire. - Thank you, sir.
Present arms!
You're pushing your luck there.
I'll send round four gallons of juice to see him through the exercise.
- Is this it? - What do you mean? - It's a bit small.
- It looks sweet. - It's a first-class vehicle.
It's right for the cut-and-thrust warfare we'll be involved in.
You'd look a right Jessie in anything larger.
- Is it bullet-proof? - Of course it isn't bullet-proof.
Cor blimey! Is that it? Do you call that a staff car?
- We find it charming. - They've only sent you one half of your roller-skates.
- Don't stand there. Get these men rifle cleaning. - You heard the captain.
- Mr Mainwaring, can I be the driver? - Don't be absurd. - I've got a provisional licence.
- You can't drive. - Teach me to drive, Mr Mainwaring. - Be quiet, boy.
Wilson's in charge of driving.
- Will you teach me? - Go away, Frank.
You won't get your egg for breakfast.
As umpire I shall carry my sergeant with me, my corporal and my runner.
- Get in, Wilson. - Right, sir. - Get in the back, Jones. - Yes, sir.
- Can I be the runner? - If you behave.
- Thank you very much, sir. - All right. Get in.
- All right? - Yes.
That seems all right.
- This is not proper military etiquette, sir. - What?
It's not proper to have Sergeant Wilson, who is a sergeant, driving Corporal Jones, a corporal.
Yes.
- I suppose Jones can drive. - Excellent idea, sir.
- Change places. - You'll have to move. This seat doesn't go forward.
Let me help you, Mr Mainwaring.
- Thank you very much, sir. - Get in the front. - Excuse me, sir.
Get in!
After you, sir.
Now I can't get in, sir.
There we are, sir.
It should be all right now.
Mr Mainwaring, where does the runner go?
- We're not bothering about that at the moment. - The runner could ride on the riding board.
Just carry on, Godfrey.
There's just one thing, Captain.
Wilson looks more important than you.
- How do you make that out? - He's sitting alone at the back.
Change places, Wilson.
HORN HONKS
- What's that? - I had an undesirable urge to test the horn.
Don't. You'll get the neighbours round.
- After you, sir. - Don't start that.
- How can I get in the back? - If you shout at me, you'll just confuse me.
- I am not shouting! - You're speaking loudly.
- I think that's all right now. - It's fine. You can swank to your heart's content sitting there.
Where's the runner go, please?
On the... On that thing there.
It's not safe. I'd have to hold on with both hands.
- Why don't you let him sit next to you? - I'm not having that.
- He'd look as important as the captain. - More important... He's taller.
The captain should face backwards and cover your rear.
- General Kitchener never advanced unless his rear was covered. Mind you... - Never mind.
Try it.
Don't move. I'll climb over.
It won't take a second. You just have to be patient.
No, no, no. This is no good.
We'll have to rethink this. Get out, Wilson.
Another raspberryade, please.
You're going it a bit. The new staff car is thirsty work.
We've been going over the new car, sorting out the teething problems.
- That's thruppence. - Thruppence?
It's gone up. There's a war on, you know.
- Did you have staff cars in the Sudan? - We never had nothing like that.
We had a staff camel.
But it didn't have a horn or wipers.
Evening. Hello.
Are you part of the Home Guard lot?
That's right. You were with the Warden - Sylvia.
How did you know? My uncle told me.
He's the Sergeant. Oh yeah! Randy old geezer!
You musn't say that. He went to public school.
They're the worst.
Lime crush, please. Why aren't you a proper soldier?
I am a proper soldier.
- We all are. - I mean the proper army.
- I'm knocking on a bit. - I didn't mean you.
I've got funny blood.
If I crashed my Spitfire and was wounded, they couldn't transfuse me.
Fancy!
I'm waiting to be called up. Secret Service.
I didn't know that, Pikey.
Shut up! What happens if you get wounded in the Secret Service?
I don't care.
That's me all over.
Thruppence, please. Have this one on me.
Thanks.
- Your girlfriend will get jealous. - I haven't got one...special.
I play the field.
Does Mr Mainwaring know you're going in the Secret Service?
- No, Mr Jones. - You have to give your notice in, you know.
You just can't go in one evening and say goodbye. And there's the bank to consider.
Mr Jones, I'm trying to have a private conversation. Stop interrupting.
I see.
Like that, is it?
A friend in need is a friend indeed.
Cheers. Cheers.
You've got smashing eyebrows.
You what?
I said you've got smashing eyebrows. Have I ?
They're like Tyrone Power. Are they?
Here. Look.
Oh, yes... I like Tyrone Power.
Do you go to the pictures? We're going tomorrow.
You're quick. When shall I meet you?
I meant Uncle and...
6:30 by the church, after parade.
Cheers. ..Cheers
Finally, to distinguish you from the opposition, you will each wear an armband.
- All ready and correct, sir. - Hand them out. - That's for you.
Thank you, Jonesy.
- Pike, stop looking at your watch. - Sorry. Are you going to be long?
I shall be as long as I need to be. There's a war on.
- Why does he keep looking at his watch? - We're going to the pictures.
- He's looking at the gate. - That's the way out.
My armband doesn't say "UMPIRE". It just says "UMP".
- Why is that, Jones? - When you're wearing a band, the only part that shows is UMP.
The other bit's under your arm.
- To write it would be superfluous. So, I didn't. - It's too late to alter them now.
I shall wear this sash.
Sitting in that car wearing a sash, you'll look very important.
Godfrey, you must get out of this habit of talking in the ranks.
That's all. Parade at 6am sharp.
Atten-SHUN !
Dismissed!
- Uncle Arthur, you don't really want to go to the pictures, do you? - Not all that much. - I'll go alone.
- I'll come with you, if you're going. - I wouldn't dream of it. Stay at home with Mum.
Could I borrow 7/6 ?
The seats are only 1/9.
- I might go in the 2/3s. - Yes, but 7/6 ?
I might go with someone.
I see what you mean. There's 10 bob. Have a good time.
Wilson, come with me. There are some things I want to discuss.
I'm sorry it took so long.
He does go on.
He's not bad really. We'd better not miss the bus.
Is this the staff car?
Yes, come on. I drive one. Are you in charge of it?
Sort of. That's solved that.
It's the captain's. I had 70 out of ours.
It's Mr Mainwaring's car.
You're in charge. There's no harm in just sitting in it.
No harm in just sitting in it.
It's good, isn't it?
He's left the keys in. I'll take those.
She starts well. Turn it off.
What's the matter? Are you scared? Turn it off, please.
ENGINE DIES
I'm disappointed. I didn't know you were a soppy boy.
I'm not a soppy boy.
I thought you were a real man.
I am.
I thought you could take decisions. I can.
Tell me how to get there. What are you doing?
We'll get into trouble. Relax, we're going to the pictures.
SYLVIA: What are you worried about? No-one saw us.
PIKE: You seem to forget, I've got a responsible position.
SYLVIA: That's what attracted me to you... Haven't you got thin knees?
They're like sparrows'.
PIKE: Get off!
Isn't it wonderful the way Robert Taylor puts his arm round her? It's so protective and romantic.
Yeah.
You look a bit like Robert Taylor, sideways on.
Yeah.
Do you think I look like her? Do you think I need protecting?
Get off!
SCREAMS
Oh! Someone kicked me from behind.
Mind where you put your big feet.
Hello, Mr Jones.
I'm ever so sorry. That scream gave me a real turn.
- I'm glad you were here, Mr Jones. - This is Mrs Fox. We go to the pictures sometimes.
There's nothing in it, though.
This is Sylvia. She thinks I look like Robert Taylor.
< SHUSH ! >
Get off!
PIKE: I like Robert Taylor, don't you?
PIKE: It's good having my car to drive in, isn't it?
SYLVIA: It would be if I wasn't so hungry.
PIKE: My Mum will want to know where I've been.
What's that? CAR STALLS
What's the matter? It's stopped.
Why? We've run out of gas, baby!
You've planned this deliberately, haven't you?
Do you honestly think I planned to run out of petrol with you, you stupid-looking boy.
I'm not a stupid-looking boy.
Don't call me that.
You're retarded, you are!
What's the time?
Half past ten.
My Mum's going to start worrying.
"My Mum's going to start worrying."
What are we going to do?
Let's find a haystack and spend the night beneath the stars.
Get off! Get out and push then.
Push? It's nine miles.
Have you got a better idea?
Are you going to sit there? Yes.
You'll have to help at the hills.
We'll worry about that when the time comes.
I've never seen Mainwaring in such a state.
He'll burst a blood vessel.
Oh dear, I haven't got anything for a broken blood vessel.
Mr Wilson.
- I've seen my boy Raymond, and he's scouring round the town. - Thank you.
That little car won't go far. I didn't put any petrol in it.
- I've just been on to the police. They've put out an all car call. - They've only got one car.
- Is everybody present? - Everyone is present. Except Pike. - What's the matter with him?
- He probably slept late. - What have you done with my Frank?
- What are you talking about? - His bed hasn't been slept in. And where were you? - Here.
- What have you done with her? - What?
- Where's my niece? - How should I know?
She was last seen with a soldier, and you were the said soldier. I saw you ogling her.
The man's a sex maniac.
Permission to speak, sir.
It is not within my experience, but I think Private Pike went to Eastgate to the pictures.
At 5.45 in the morning?
- I fell asleep at the pictures once. - Don't interrupt.
- Where's my niece? - Where's my staff car?
Pike, where have you been with that car?
All the way to Eastgate... And I've had to push it back all the way.
Where have you been? With him.
Have you been out with her all night?
He'll have to marry her. I'm not marrying him.
You've been out with that soppy boy.
- I'm not soppy. - Pike, you're under arrest.
Godfrey, you guard him until the police come.
She's not going to court.
You leave my boy alone. You're a bad influence.
I'll box your ears when I get you home.
- Let justice take its course. - Stop being pompous, Napoleon.
Arthur, if you lay a finger on him, I'll make your life a misery.
Captain Mainwaring, just one wee word.
- What are the police going to say when they find out you haven't immobilised the car? - Quite right.
- It's a criminal offence. - And you're responsible, do you hear me? Responsible!
That won't stop me doing my duty, but it would be wrong not to consider it.
Don't forget. We rendezvous in seven minutes.
The army comes first. We'll discuss this later. Get the men fell in.
Come with me, Jones.
I'm just going to those trees to see if I can see them.
- Would you like one? - No, I don't.
- Yeah, why not? - Help yourself.
Well now, Frank...
..about last night.
- I know we shouldn't have taken it. - I'm not talking about the car, I'm talking about the girl.
A lot of people will know that you spent the night together and will tell you that it was wrong.
I was pushing. She was steering.
You have offended against generally accepted conventions.
- But what you both did wasn't evil. Do you follow me? - It was nine miles.
All the same, society - our sort of society - has a rather rigid framework.
If we don't stay within it, people point the finger at us.
- It took an hour to get up the hill. - Just remember this, Frank...
..I understand.
We haven't been too close just recently, but now I feel we're kindred spirits.
- We're sort of... You know, men of the world. Do you feel like that too? - Yeah.
Kindred spirits.
- Men of the world. - Good lad.
Look out. He's coming back.
Right, Jones.
Drive on to the crossroads.
Uncle Arthur.
- Don't go yet, Mr Mainwaring. - Be quiet, Pike. Not another word.
You'll hear something in a minute.
Subtitles by David Beach, 1991