1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,200 # Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 2 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:11,720 # If you think we're on the run? 3 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:17,040 # We are the boys who will stop your little game, 4 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:22,080 # We are the boys who will make you think again. 5 00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:26,840 # Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 6 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:31,720 # If you think old England's done? 7 00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:36,240 # Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21, 8 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:41,320 # But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun! 9 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:46,120 # So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler, 10 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:49,160 # If you think old England's done? # 11 00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,920 James...Frazer. 12 00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:04,400 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 13 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:07,040 "Dear Mrs Pickering, 14 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:12,160 "I hope the funeral arrangements for your late husband were satisfactory. 15 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:19,240 "May I say how sorry I was that the hearse ran out of petrol just outside the cemetery. 16 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:26,760 "I'm sure your dear departed husband would have been proud of the way you helped push him to his resting place. 17 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:32,800 "And what a fine, strong woman your mother is. 18 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:36,840 "I hope you managed to get the mud off her skirt. 19 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:40,320 "I include my final account." 20 00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:46,840 Let me see... "One solid oak coffin, £4.15s.3d. One set of brass handles, 13s.6d. 21 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:50,040 "Transport fare, £3.14s.2d." 22 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:53,600 That makes an allowance of £2... 23 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:57,680 ..no, for 32s - for the lost 120 yards! 24 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,760 "Total: £9.2s.11d." 25 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:05,480 Profit... Let me see. Profit: £3.6s.8¾d. 26 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:10,600 Total profit for the week: 27 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:14,880 £18.17s.2d! 28 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:17,880 Less 6s.1d housekeeping. 29 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:22,360 Not bad! 30 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:25,040 Not bad at all. 31 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:30,400 I'll have a small herring tomorrow as a wee treat, 32 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:34,480 and I'll be able to buy two more... 33 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:37,000 golden sovereigns. 34 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:40,040 That'll make... Let me see. 35 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:44,400 100, 200, 300, 400, 500 and... 36 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:47,280 ..one, two, three, four. 37 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:51,840 Five hundred and four pounds and three shillings! 38 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:55,760 In present currency... 39 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,600 ..that's valued at... 40 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:03,200 ..three thousand one hundred and two pounds, 41 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:06,240 and four shillings. 42 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,640 LOUD KNOCKS 43 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:14,000 Oh... Oh, mercy. Mercy... 44 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,040 Who...who's there? 45 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:20,080 < It's me, Dr McCeavedy. 46 00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:25,920 Hold on a wee minute, Doctor. 47 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:29,400 I...I... Oh, dear! 48 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,400 I'll be with you in a minute, son. 49 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:37,400 LOUD CLATTER OF COINS 50 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:40,440 I WON'T BE LONG! 51 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,960 I'm just done. I'll be with you, man. 52 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:57,080 It IS him. 53 00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:00,040 Doctor, come in, man. 54 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:07,040 There you are! I was just listening to ITMA. 55 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,840 Ah! I've come about old Mr Brewster. 56 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:14,440 - Has his time come? - Aye. God rest him. 57 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:19,280 Dear, oh, dear! I'll go along and make the arrangements. 58 00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:22,720 I came straight here. He only went 20 minutes ago. 59 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:24,400 Oh! 60 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:27,360 Enough time for a wee dram! 61 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:33,040 - Sit down, Doctor. - You're kind. 62 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:36,240 Man, you're welcome! Welcome! 63 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:40,560 As welcome as...the flu in spring! 64 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:43,880 No...? 65 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:55,040 Ah, to hell with it! Here. 66 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:58,560 - Long may your cup be full. - Hear, hear! 67 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,920 - Doing the books, are you? - Aye. 68 00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:08,960 Look at that! 6s.4d. It's hardly worthwhile! 69 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:15,120 It's a hard life. Well, I'll be off, then. 70 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:25,760 Great Scott! They're sovereigns! Hundreds of gold sovereigns! 71 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,360 Is that a fact? 72 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:33,760 I wonder... 73 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:36,360 I wonder how they got there. 74 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:43,240 It's almost beyond belief, Doctor. 75 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:49,000 I saw it myself. He's not my patient, so I'm breaching no confidence, 76 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:53,360 but I'm of the opinion that he's a trifle unstable. 77 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:58,560 Well, we've found him a little unpredictable, haven't we, Wilson? 78 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,760 Sir, I think he's very predictable. 79 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:07,520 Every time we decide to do anything, he says it'll be a total disaster! 80 00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:15,360 The point is, if anything happens to that gold, it'll surely turn his mind. 81 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:21,720 - You need to persuade him to put it...in some place of safety. - Yes. 82 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:27,000 Thank you for the gen, Doctor. I'll do my best for him, count on that. 83 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,480 Thank you, Doctor. Goodbye. 84 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:36,920 - What do you make of it? - I don't see that it's our business. - Yes, it is! 85 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:41,640 He's a comrade-in-arms, as well as a client of the bank. 86 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:46,880 It's my duty as his CO, his banker and his friend 87 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:50,920 to tell him to sell the sovereigns and buy an annuity. 88 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:53,440 So that you get a commission. 89 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:57,040 I... That's nothing to do with it! 90 00:06:57,040 --> 00:07:00,040 - Mr Mainwaring. - Yes? 91 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:03,040 - Mr Frazer's statement. - Thank you. 92 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:07,080 Look at that. The poor man's only got £15.6s.8d! 93 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:12,040 We should have a collection for him. 94 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:15,840 - You could organise it, Mr Mainwaring. - Quiet, Pike. 95 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:22,320 - £15.6s.8d. and he's sitting on hundreds of them. - Hundreds of what? 96 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:25,160 Mind your own business, Pike. 97 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:31,080 - Take your thumb out of your mouth! - Sorry! 98 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:38,120 - I don't think he uses this account from one year's end to the next! - Is it coffins? 99 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:42,360 - Is WHAT coffins? - What Mr Frazer's sitting on. 100 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:51,040 You know, Wilson, I think it's illegal to possess more than five of these. 101 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:56,120 - Doesn't sound like coffins. - They're meant to be used to buy battleships. 102 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,640 Not coffins... 103 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,240 Handles! 104 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:03,360 - Is it coffin handles? - Quiet, Frank! 105 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:07,320 - But am I getting warmer? - Now, stop! Just stop it! 106 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:13,720 - I don't trust him. Eyes very close together. - Are they? I've never noticed. 107 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,040 It denotes a mean streak. 108 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:20,360 I don't think it's fair to say Mr Frazer's mean! 109 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:24,520 - No? - Last Friday, he let me have three bags of crisps! 110 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:28,680 He said they were valuable - the real pre-war things! 111 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:36,200 - He made you pay for them? - Yes, but not the black market price! 112 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:40,800 How this boy got his school certificate, I'll never know! 113 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:45,840 They weren't bad. A bit soggy, but the salt was as dry as a bone! 114 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:49,880 - Go away, Pike. - PIKE MUMBLES 115 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:52,920 - ..and the bag went "Pop"! - Get out! 116 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:57,520 I'll talk to Frazer tomorrow. 117 00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:05,200 Well, if Frank's fool enough to buy worn out bags of crisps, I really don't see that it's our business. 118 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:08,400 I'm not talking about crisps! 119 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:11,520 Do try not to let your mind wander! 120 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:16,360 What he's doing with these sovereigns is sheer folly! 121 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:21,640 He's obstinate. He'll send you away with your tail between your legs! 122 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:26,520 I don't often get sent away with my tail between my legs! 123 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:32,960 - Shall I drop a few hints? - No, I'll deal with it. I'll be very tactful. 124 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:36,160 I'll bring it up on parade tonight. 125 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:43,400 Silence in the ranks. Stop talking! 126 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:48,480 Silence in the ranks! Private Pike! Private Pike! 127 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:56,520 Stop now, or you'll be on a fizzer for conduct to the prejudice, and not having silence in the ranks. 128 00:09:56,520 --> 00:10:04,880 - I was just finishing my sentence! - There won't be time for that when Mr Bosche German starts invading! 129 00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:08,360 He's not here now, is he? Whisht, man! 130 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:12,400 Let the fool get on, or we'll be here all night! 131 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:16,920 We're going to practise doing things in our gas masks. 132 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:19,800 Excuse me. 'Respirators'. 133 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:25,280 - What was that? - Captain Mainwaring likes us to call them respirators. 134 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,520 That's as may be. The thing is: 135 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:35,640 we must practise so much, that everything we do normally, we can do in our gas masks. 136 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:38,560 - Respirators! - Silence! 137 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:41,600 Now, the thing is this - 138 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:48,240 one day we'll be going about as usual, when suddenly, Hitler lets it off! 139 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,920 Are we down-hearted? No! 140 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:55,120 We just put on our gas respirator, and carry on. 141 00:10:55,120 --> 00:11:02,840 Everything we can do ordinarily, we can do wearing one of these! I can go on working in my shop, 142 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:07,120 Pikey can go on banking, Frazer can do funerals, 143 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:10,520 and Mr Godfrey can go to the clinic! 144 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:13,560 They couldn't take my temperature. 145 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:16,240 No. Perhaps you could go back. 146 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:22,040 You could have it taken later, couldn't you? 147 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:28,800 - Can you eat? - No. That's right. You can't eat. But you can do everything else! 148 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:33,840 - Can you drink? - No. No, that's right. No, you can't drink... 149 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:42,440 - I can't clean my teeth. - Well, who wants to clean their teeth, with Hitler gassing all over? 150 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:48,520 You can't smoke a cigarette. It'll get pushed down your throat! 151 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:53,480 The fool's talking nonsense! There's hundreds of things you can't do! 152 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:58,520 Silence in the ranks! Mr Frazer, I'll have you for insubordination! 153 00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:03,480 What we must do first is practise doing things in our gas masks. 154 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:10,160 - Respirators! - Godfrey, I'll have you doubling round the church hall 50 times! 155 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:17,120 Now, then. First of all, I'm going to teach you how to fix bayonets! 156 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:22,160 On the command 'Gas', I shall put on my respirator mask. 157 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:25,160 Right! Ga-a-as! 158 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:34,440 The thing to do when you hear that command is to hold your breath and get this on as quickly as you can! 159 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:37,520 Get it on as quickly as you can. 160 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:43,000 MUFFLED WORDS 161 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,320 HE WHEEZES 162 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,560 Heurghh! 163 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:52,800 Then you get your rifle in your left hand, 164 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:55,800 and your bayonet... 165 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:11,040 - Jones, what are you doing? - Argh! 166 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:15,040 Heurghh! 167 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,280 Heurghh! 168 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:24,720 - MUFFLED: - I'm showing them how to fix bayonets in their gas masks. 169 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,520 Take it off! 170 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:30,560 I'M TRYING... 171 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:34,520 - ..to fix a bayonet in my gas mask. - Respirator. 172 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:37,840 - We kept telling him! - Quiet, Pike. 173 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:42,640 - Fall the men in. - Aye, sir. Fall in, please, in three ranks. 174 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:45,000 Quickly. 175 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:50,960 I'll speak to the men about money and security - on a broad basis. 176 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,000 How lovely. 177 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:57,800 Now, we'll soon see if Frazer gives himself away. All right? 178 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:02,960 Before you're dismissed, I want to have a word with you about savings. 179 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:07,000 As you know, this war is costing millions every day. 180 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:11,040 I expect you've worked hard all your lives... 181 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:13,080 Yes, sir. 182 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:19,360 When I was ten, I got up at five to follow the milkman and his horse. 183 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:26,520 Every time the milkman stopped, he said, "Hang on to that horse!" And he wasn't a nice horse. 184 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:33,360 In the winter, in the cold, he used to stamp his feet and tread on my toes. 185 00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:38,560 In the summer, with all the flies, he'd toss his head and toss me over. 186 00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:45,880 If I let go, I got a clip round the ear. I only got tuppence a week. But it was a good life! 187 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:53,720 Now, we must get our money to work for us. 188 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:57,320 - Isn't that right? - Yes, certainly. 189 00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:01,040 So, we must make our money work for us. 190 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:05,320 Some people put notes in mattresses. This is foolhardy. 191 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:12,880 My mum keeps a lot concealed about her person. She says nobody will find it - least of all Uncle Arthur. 192 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:16,120 Would you be quiet, Frank! 193 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:22,640 My sister, Dolly, keeps a bit in an old teapot. It has a broken spout. 194 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:26,880 Ooh! You must take a firm line over that, Godfrey. 195 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,560 She must put it into a bank. 196 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:33,120 Captain, are you touting for business? 197 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:36,120 I'm just giving you some advice. 198 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:43,160 There's also risk involved. You may have a bomb fall on you, or an incendiary, or a burglary. 199 00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:48,400 Burglars, of course, will be particularly looking out for GOLD. 200 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:49,560 Ahh! 201 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:57,320 Not that I expect you chaps to have much gold about, 202 00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:04,200 but if you have... then it's your patriotic duty to sell it and help the war effort. 203 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,680 And put the money in your bank! 204 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:11,200 Not necessarily, no. Right. That's all. 205 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,360 Squad, attention! 206 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,120 Dismiss! 207 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:22,880 - Come with me, will you, Wilson? - Yes, sir. 208 00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:26,600 - I think that was very well done. - Oh, yes, sir. 209 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:30,800 - I handled that very subtly. - Very diplomatically. 210 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:35,840 I don't think Frazer suspected that I was referring to him. Do you? 211 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:42,880 No. But I must say that when you mentioned gold, he jumped ever-so-slightly out of his skin. 212 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:45,600 He had no inkling that I knew. 213 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,400 - Not at all. - KNOCK ON DOOR 214 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,160 Enter! 215 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:54,200 There's just one thing I want to say to you. 216 00:16:54,200 --> 00:17:00,760 If you think you're going to get your hands on my gold, you can think again! 217 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:08,520 I don't trust banks! I don't trust bankers! And I don't trust YOU! That's all I want to say. Thank you. 218 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:20,560 There! Seven pounds of King Edwards. Sixpence. 219 00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:25,840 Next! 220 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:30,880 I hear you've got onions. Shh! You'll have everyone here! 221 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:36,880 You can have half a pound, cos you're a regular. 222 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:45,160 Vicar! We don't often see you here! We don't often see onions here! 223 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:46,480 Shh! 224 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:53,520 You can have half a pound, but only on condition that you cut your sermons to eight minutes! 225 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:57,240 That includes getting in and out! 226 00:17:57,240 --> 00:18:01,680 Here! Shove 'em under your cassock and look holy! 227 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:05,600 Here! Here! 228 00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:08,680 Have you heard the scandal about Frazer? 229 00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:13,520 - Is there a woman involved? - You shouldn't listen to gossip! 230 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:20,560 - What's he done? - He's hoarding gold coins. You can't move for them! 231 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:25,200 I'll get him to contribute to the church fabric fund! 232 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:32,880 You'll be lucky! He owes me 13s.6d. I've asked for it till I'm blue. I'll have to county court him! 233 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:37,400 Parsimony is a sin, if carried to excess, isn't it? 234 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:40,440 I've never given it much thought. 235 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:43,120 He can't take it with him! 236 00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:47,160 He'll put it in his coffin, like the Vikings did! 237 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:50,560 What a waste! I'll go and see him! 238 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:55,080 Hello, Operator? Are you still getting no reply? 239 00:18:55,080 --> 00:19:00,200 Well, I don't understand it, but thank you for trying. Goodbye. 240 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:04,720 - Th...thank you! - I don't understand this at all. 241 00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:09,200 Frazer's never missed a parade! Have you had any luck? 242 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:13,240 - HE SLURS: - He wasn't...at the Horse and Hound. 243 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:19,360 And he ha...hasn't been at the Fox, because we made enquiries. 244 00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:24,160 - We also enquired at the Red Lion, the Marquis of... - Frank! 245 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:32,560 ..the Goat, the Fox and Pheasant, and the Black Horse, and what Mum will say I just do not know! 246 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:35,600 - Sit down, Wilson! - Thank you, sir. 247 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:42,200 - He wasn't at Charlie's cafe either. - We had a black coffee there, which hasn't helped! 248 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:45,000 We're supposed to be off duty! 249 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:50,280 Damn good job for you that you are! Sit there until you sober up a bit. 250 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:53,720 Or the men will know you're drunk. 251 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:59,320 - Frank, the gallant captain is cross with me! - Sshh! 252 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:04,760 He wasn't in the library, sir, and he wasn't answering his door. 253 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:11,200 - But he took his milk in, so he's got nourishment. - He wasn't at the Whist Drive. 254 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:17,560 He's probably with a floozy in some gambling den in darkest Walmington! 255 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:20,000 PHONE RINGS 256 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,160 Home Guard. 257 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:24,680 Captain Mainwaring? 258 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,200 Frazer, why aren't you on parade? 259 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:31,440 I'm not coming. It's all YOUR fault! 260 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:35,040 There's folk hammering on my door, 261 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:37,640 even that pilly, wally Vicar! 262 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:43,600 Well, mark this. None of you are going to get your hands on my gold! 263 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:49,520 I'm putting it...where none of you will ever FIND it! 264 00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:53,960 Nobody wants your gold! All we're... Hello? 265 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,520 Hello? 266 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:59,040 Hello? He put the receiver down. 267 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:04,080 - Was he in a call box? - No, I didn't hear the tuppence go. - He's at home. 268 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,920 What is he going to do? 269 00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:09,680 I know what I'd do in his shoes. 270 00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:17,720 I'd get my gold and melt it down. And when it was hot and bubbly, I'd put it in a mould to make a vessel. 271 00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:22,960 Then I'd paint it white, and put it somewhere where it didn't notice. 272 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:27,440 You mean you'd make it into a vase de nuit? 273 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:29,800 What's that? 274 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,560 Vase de nuit. 275 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,600 It's French. 276 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:41,600 - I'm aware that it's French! - It...it means, literally, night vase. - Night vase?! 277 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,960 - Tiddly pot! - What was that? 278 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:54,680 - We had them in the dorm at school. We called them tiddly pots. - Quiet! 279 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:57,880 I saw a film called "Miser's Gold". 280 00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:03,000 The man in that had to hide his gold nuggets, so he hid them in a field. 281 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:07,680 Then the farmer came and ploughed it. Then the other man came back, 282 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:12,360 and all he found was stones! And that's what he said. 283 00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:16,480 "Stones, stones. My nuggets have turned...to stones." 284 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:24,280 I can't listen to all this drivel... Hold on! You may have something! 285 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:27,440 He WOULD bury it. But where? 286 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:32,480 - In his garden! - No, he wouldn't bury it in his garden. It's all concrete. 287 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:39,040 You can't bury things in concrete! Not without one of those rheumatic drills! 288 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:42,400 - How about Peabody Park? - Possibly. 289 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:48,120 - In the sand hills, at night. - They're too crowded at night. 290 00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:53,160 - There are a dozen places... - I think he'll do it tonight, sir. 291 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:56,920 You may be right. We must shadow him. 292 00:22:56,920 --> 00:23:01,320 - What, like George Raft? - We'll make a roster. 293 00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:08,000 We'll keep him covered throughout the hours of darkness. Sergeant... Oh, never mind. 294 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:12,560 Tiddly pots! That's what they are... 295 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:20,960 Hello. Captain Mainwaring? Jones the butcher. 296 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:23,920 Has there been some development? 297 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:31,840 We saw Frazer come out of his house with a box under his arm. Not an undertaker's box, you understand? 298 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:34,240 Go on. 299 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:39,920 He looked kind of furtive, and he moved off. So we followed him, 300 00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:43,600 - and we followed him... - Get on with it! 301 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:49,880 Then he went into a church yard. I told Pikey to stop and watch him. 302 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:54,080 - He's in the church yard. - HICCUP 303 00:23:54,080 --> 00:24:00,600 And I flitted between the monuments like a wraith, you know, so he wouldn't see me. 304 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:06,480 Then suddenly I saw a telephone box and I thought, "That's hunkydory!" 305 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:11,520 So I got out two pennies, and I was just... Hello? 306 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:17,920 Hello? Oh! He must have put the phone down. I expect he's in one of his moods! 307 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,760 Hello? Who is it? 308 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:24,920 Chief Warden Hodges. Guess what I saw on patrol ! 309 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:29,080 - Animal, vegetable or mineral? - This isn't a game! 310 00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:35,520 I just saw Frazer sneak into the church yard. I bet he's burying his gold! 311 00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:40,560 When the Vicar wanted a donation, he said he was poor as a church mouse! 312 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:45,480 He said it plain as a pike staff - through his very own letter box. 313 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:52,560 I think the Vicar may like to see what's going on in his churchyard at 1.30 in the morning! 314 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:55,760 We'll be round in five minutes! 315 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,720 Heh, heh! 316 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:12,760 Oh! 317 00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:17,360 There he is, over there. 318 00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:24,960 You see, he digs... Then he cackles. Then he digs again. He's been doing that for ten minutes! 319 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:28,000 Dig, dig, heh, heh! 320 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,880 - Heh! - Don't do that! 321 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:41,680 There he is! See that, Reverend? He's desecrating! 322 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:45,160 It's not quite as bad as that! 323 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:48,040 Heh, heh, heh! 324 00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:53,640 They're never going to get it. They'll never get my gold! 325 00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:55,680 Uncle Arthur, 326 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:58,200 I'm frightened! 327 00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:08,080 Heh, heh! 328 00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:10,720 We can go and investigate. 329 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:15,880 He's off! Let's follow him. Wait! I can see figures moving. 330 00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:20,360 This is the place. Right! Uncover it, Pike. 331 00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:27,280 - What with? - Your hands! - There might be slugs or worms or creepy crawlies! 332 00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:30,280 Get on with it! 333 00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:34,760 You ought to have somebody look at that boy, you know. 334 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:39,800 They're wearing army hats! I do believe it's Mainwaring's lot! 335 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:43,520 What's he doing here? Come on, Mr Yeatman. 336 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:47,360 It's heavy - Must be chock full of gold! 337 00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:49,560 Open it. 338 00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:56,040 - It's locked. - Here, Pikey, use my bayonet! 339 00:26:56,040 --> 00:27:00,400 - But it's not ours! - Quite right, Sponge. Leave it. 340 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:06,480 - Caught you red-handed! You were going to steal that! - No, I wasn't! 341 00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:12,840 - What, then? I'll handle this. - He's going about lawfully. 342 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:17,720 - In a churchyard? At night? - I'm concerned about one of my men. 343 00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:24,160 - You're filching that box! Be quiet! - I'll speak to Frazer, 344 00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:29,000 - and get him to sell up and buy an annuity. - So you get a commission. 345 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:32,600 So I... Never mind that! 346 00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:39,760 So you see, Frazer, we acted from the very best of motives. 347 00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:42,960 But our finding the box so easily, 348 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:45,920 only adds proof to my statement: 349 00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:50,840 the bank's the best place for your valuables - be they in cash or kind. 350 00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:56,600 - But not your bank! - Don't interfere! Fetch the box, Wilson. - Yes, sir. 351 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,720 The key? 352 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:03,200 Here, son. 353 00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:07,360 Give that to the captain. He's a fine man. 354 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:17,720 Now don't... 355 00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:25,120 Rest assured, Frazer, my bank will take care of this. 356 00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:29,480 Something for the fabric of the church would be welcome. 357 00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:34,280 It's a brick! It's a damn brick! 358 00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:42,440 Aye! It's a brick! And yon Vicar can have it for the fabric of his kirk! 359 00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:52,360 I'll hold on to my money! You won't put your hands on it! 360 00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:56,880 You're not going to have my gold! You won't have my gold! 361 00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:48,520 Subtitles by Mala Balani - 1991