Mike, this is Will, my hot young pupil.
Are you going to be a barrister, then?
Oh, yeah, fingers crossed. There are four of us
and Chambers are only going to give us one place.
It's actually kind of scary.
The junior tenants did odds on which one of us would get tenancy.
So, if Danielle is Angry Chav, then I'm guessing I'm...
.. DJ Stupid.
This is what you wanted.
You're making a difference, helping people in need.
Yeah, I'm helping people in need, mostly, I guess.
Hello!
To be guilty of a crime, normally,
you have to do it, and also intend to do it.
Your Honour, my pupil is acquainted with juror number three.
- How so, Mr Packham? - There was a kiss.
Will, quick question -- how's your girlfriend?
- What are we doing this for? - Just... ice?
To win! A barrister burns to win.
- QC interviews next week. - Actually, I didn't apply.
I mean, what's silk?
I don't need my talent confirmed by some cloak of... worm spunk.
Well, this is secluded.
Feels very cloak-and-dagger.
It was just the only place I could get a table.
Um, do you think I can be seen from the window?
It's just we're backlit,
and I have very recognisable hair.
It's nothing to be ashamed of, you know.
Most QC candidates use a consultant these days.
- Perhaps that's where you went wrong. - How do you mean, went wrong?
I didn't apply for silk, Fiona.
According to my mate at QC Appointments, you did.
Maybe your mate is mistaken.
He definitely saw your name on the list.
Maybe he hallucinated.
Maybe he was reading about me,
then shifted his gaze to the list
thus provoking an optical illusion.
Why have you asked me here, Caroline?
Well, as I say, I didn't apply for QC,
but if I did apply,
um, I'd like to know...
.. why would they not want me?
Why would they think I was bad?
Well, I can make a few phone calls,
find out what people are saying about you,
- so you're on top of things this time round. - Great.
First time round. But, yeah, I'll drink to that. To new, um...
- A new start. - Yeah, well, not a new start. There wasn't an old start.
- New something, though. - Well, I mean, I like "new",
- but I don't want to imply any previous... - New things?
Yes, great, new things.
New things.
- Caroline! - Morning.
- How's Mummy's bouncing boy? - Yeah, pretty good.
New bike, and Nessa's coming back today, so...
- Who's Nessa? - Er, my girlfriend?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Excellent evidence summary you put together last night.
Feels like you're getting the hang of things.
Really? Thanks, Caroline.
- Your advice... - All right, don't go on about it.
Oh, and, er, there's a bag I need you to get from Chambers.
Won't be a hassle, will it?
Er, no.
No, that's not a hassle at all.
Whoa, OK!
Sorry. I know.
- Get off the road! - Chill out.
OK, Danielle. Picture this.
You've been in court all day.
Murder...
.. or some abuse case.
Your head's filled with depravity,
human suffering even you've never seen before. Is this...
.. your jam?
Check it. Yeah.
- It's social commentary, too. - Great tune. Love it.
As you have every track I've played you this week. We are so simpatico.
- Coffee, Ashley? - I think I may have had too much.
No, no, it... it's no problem.
Absolutely not.
- That is one explanation, Miss Jackson. - Hey, Danielle. - All right.
Another would be that you gave him the poison.
Say, "That's not what happened at all."
Oh.
That's not what happened at all.
Really?
I have no further questions.
What the fuck are you doing?
Doubty face.
Letting the jury know I find her evidence dubioso.
Looks like a camel stifling climax.
Miles is brilliant at it.
He could make Malala look shifty.
It's a real privilege, getting to learn from the Head of Chambers.
Because your mam knows him.
Because he finds me indispensable.
I'm his ever-ready right hand.
- Like wanking. - No, Pia. Not like wanking.
Don't mind me. Just on my way to Kennington.
Caroline said my evidence summary was excellent, so...
Oh, well done, Ladies. What's in Kennington?
Oh, just an ABH. Sorry, what did you just call me?
Ladies. It's your new name.
It's like Ladies' Man but I shortened it because,
well, I suppose, I'm an artist.
It's because you boinked that juror.
What? I didn't boink her.
Oh, really? Cos Liam says you boinked her.
He knew the positions and everything.
- Pia, I need a point of law looking at. - Sure, Angela.
- Mail me the link. - Are you Will? - Yes.
Hm.
How many people in Chambers know about the juror thing?
I don't know. Maybe...
.. everyone?
Sorry, Ladies.
Labels stick.
This kid I knew wet himself in a mascot suit
first night of Freshers' Week.
For the rest of uni, everyone called him Pissbear Liam...
Ian! Pissbear Ian.
Ian was his name.
Thanks, Miles.
Do you know about this? Everyone in Chambers thinks I shagged the juror?
- No. Does it matter? - Yes.
Because it was just a one-off drunk kiss.
Angela just looked at me like I smell of roast baby.
Will, shut the fuck up and move on.
- What are you doing? - I'm hiding from Ashley.
I'm waiting to bump into Miles.
He's got this big, new case coming up.
The alt-right online guy who filmed the kids?
The YouTube Paedo Nazi. He's doing that?
Yeah. I have to shadow him on that case.
Liam and Pia have been getting all the good work.
- Liam, are you ready? - No, since Majewski, the test for recklessness
is subjective, not objective.
- You should really know this, Will! - What?
Will?
Will.
I've heard your name.
You're the one who boinked the juror.
Er, yes, but as I've been explaining to these guys...
Awesome stuff. Great to meet you.
Oh, thank you very much, thank you.
- I was kind of his wingman. - Oh, I'm sorry, did somebody speak?
- Er, me. - No.
Surely nobody would interrupt our conversation!
Will...
.. what is the number-one thing a barrister strives for?
Oh. To win.
Pana-a-a-ache.
- Panache? - You must cultivate a myth.
Not me, of course. I'm... married.
I mean, maybe in my day, perhaps.
Actually, I was a pupil with Liam's mother.
She'll tell you.
What?
But, no, not these days.
Three kids. Three...
.. beautiful kids.
Panache.
Mush!
Thank you.
- She hit me in the tit. - OK.
Because Deanna says you came at her right from the start.
Nah, not true. I was there, like, I mean, I went round to hers,
yeah, but to reason it out, cos she was squatting
- on the father of my kids. - So you discovered your boyfriend
- was at Deanna's and went round. - Yeah, but to be reasonable.
Like, tell them, I'm there reasonable and she hit me
- in the tit. - What were Deanna's injuries?
Permanent scarring to the face. Three cracked ribs.
Yeah, I fucked her up in self-defence.
So it's your word against hers.
Hm.
This could come down to who the jury like...
.. more.
I got bail, innit? It's my right.
Hetty. Hetty!
- Oh, my fucking God! - Lee?! What is he doing here?
- Will, can you see him off? - OK, mate.
- Hetty! - Be a bit manly.
OK, mate. No, thank you! No, thank you!
I want to talk to Hetty. I knew she was up today.
- I wondered where the kids were. - With my sister!
- No business of yours, is it? - Look, Hetty, can we just talk?
- It's all over with Deanna. - Oh, piss off, Lee! Piss off!
You heard the lady, thank you very much.
- Thank you. Let's scoot. - All right.
Afternoon.
I'm not going back to him.
You know, he's always begging me, but it's a trust thing.
And once that trust's been broken three or four times,
it's just, you know. So put me up to witness. I'll tell them.
Er, no. No, no, no, Hetty. We're not going to put you in the box.
You've got a ton of previous, and studies show
juries prefer non-aggressive, sober, clear witnesses.
No way, no. I'm clear! I'm clear!
I always...
No.
- Well, how are you going to do it, then? - You keep quiet,
I go after Deanna, and we'll let the jury form their own impressions.
Sound like a plan, yeah?
Oh, and this needs to change.
- Did you bring the bag? - What, my clothes? - It's in the robing room.
- Great. What size are you? - 12. - 12.
- 16. - Hm? What?
Hello?
Hello, is that the Don Juan of Bedford Row?
- Er, who is this? - It's Miles, Will.
Your learned Head of Chambers.
Just calling to say, try not to make love to the entire jury pool today.
Yeah, got to keep some eligible for trial, eh?
It's members of the jury, not members in the jury.
"Summon the jury", not "come on the jury".
Don't be fucking disgusting!
- Stand over there! - OK.
Hope you don't mind the bawdinage, Will.
So, I've got this case, big media thing.
A vlogger who maybe likes to film under-12s.
The YouTube Paedo Nazi.
Are you asking me to do the YouTube Paedo Nazi?
I thought it might be fun to work on together.
I say "together" you will do exactly as you're told. It starts next week.
That is, of course, as long as Caroline doesn't need you.
Fuck Caroline. Actually, please don't tell her I said that.
- I'll keep your secrets if you keep mine. - Yeah.
- Speak soon. - Thanks, Miles. Thank you. OK, bye.
I'm not wearing this.
Put it on.
- Chelsea Bun? - Woof. You're getting to know me.
Who were you talking to?
Miles. That was Miles.
- Our honey-voiced Head of Chambers. - Yeah. - You should hear him in court.
Like listening to an audiobook called Oily Wanker.
He's actually asked me to shadow him on the YouTube Paedo Nazi case.
Look at you, spreading your wings!
Thank you. Yeah.
I think he only likes me because of the juror thing.
Like I think he thinks I'm sort of a player or something?
Good. A barrister needs a brand. Didn't want to say it before,
- but you were coming across as a bit vanilla. - You've definitely
- said that before. - Don't think so. - You said I was like vanilla cream
mixed with vanilla custard on a rich vanilla bun.
OK, that does sound like me. Well, well done. You've punched through.
Thank you. Thank you, yeah. No. It's good.
It's good news. Really... pleased.
It's just, I guess, if I take the case,
it's a bit like I'm confirming for everyone that I am the guy
- who cheats on his girlfriend. - You are that guy.
Yeah, but I don't want it to be the first thing
that people think of when they think of... me.
Maybe I should just give Miles a call back. Try to give him a sense
of what I'm actually like.
And lose the case? What's the point? You're not being honest
- with your girlfriend, are you? - Er, yeah, when I get home this evening
I'm going to tell her everything.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You're, what, 21 years old?
- Er, 29, but thank you. - This will not do. You've got to start doing
what's best for the situation, not running around like
- a wide-eyed truth puppy shitting in his own breakfast. - Yeah, it's not
actually your place to give me advice when it comes to
my relationships. But thank you for your... your perspective
is valuable, as always. Thank you so much, Caroline.
Listen to me. I do not want to be dragging around some lovelorn loser
for the next eight months. You're going to take this work from Miles
and you are not going to be honest with your girlfriend, OK?
Ready.
Oh, yes.
You are perfect.
And, at this point, you say, my client attacked you?
Yes.
She just came at me out the blue.
- You were surprised? - Not really.
- She's a very violent person. - A very violent person, you claim.
Must have been scary for you,
this very frightening woman confronting you on your doorstep,
when all you'd done was sleep with her man.
Yeah. It was scary.
Another thing that must have been scary,
you once got into a fight
with a woman outside a bar in the city centre, yes?
- Yes. - Yes.
Got a police caution. What happened there?
Fight over a man?
- Was it a fight over a man? - Yes. It's not the same.
- There are similarities. - It's not the same.
It is sort of the same. Problem for you, isn't it,
Miss Lewis? You're a slender woman. Good for nicking husbands.
Not so good for winning the fight afterwards.
That bitch put me in hospital!
You hit my client first, didn't you?
No.
No more questions, Your Honour.
- That's a really good doubty face. - Watch and learn. Watch and learn.
Thank you, Miss Lewis. You may step down.
Members of the jury, now we turn to the defendant's criminal record.
- God, here goes the Shipping Forecast. - In January 1998,
she received a warning for being drunk and disorderly.
In March 1999, she received...
What do you reckon? How are the jury taking it?
Year Three coffee morning hated Deanna.
Yeah, that's right, home-wrecker's coming for your husbands next.
General Ukip just wants to send anyone down.
He's unhappy there's a trial.
You see, this is fun of it, Will. You play 'em. Image management.
You know, we could have a chance here. 50/50.
.. finally, in July 2016,
a conviction for threats with a bladed article,
the threatened person in that case being a 14-year-old papergirl.
- 60/40. - 70/30.
Court rise.
♪ Elope with me, Miss Private, and we'll sail around the world
♪ I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl
♪ How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
♪ How many nights of limping round on pagan holidays... ♪
So it's been an interesting day.
I phoned up a few movers and shakers to see what they said about you.
Like I care.
- I can leave this bit out. - No, go on. Go on.
OK. In court, "she's unrelenting", "determined".
You cross-examine "like a Komodo dragon".
Those are the lizardy ones that bite you and then watch as you die.
Wow.
Really? I'm blushing here.
I also asked about you as a colleague, as a person,
and that was enlightening, too.
Go on.
So, we have "horrible, horrible, horrible".
As a person, "she's not a person,"
someone said. Bit smart-aleck, I thought.
Other key phrases were "frowning cuss witch",
"like a sarcastic tractor",
- "horrible, horrible, horrible"... - You've said that one.
That was two separate people.
And a judge friend was kind enough to feed in by e-mail,
and she just said, "Able, but twat."
Oh.
- I think a healthy respect... - To be honest, Caroline,
- it seems you have a real likeability problem. - So what?
I'm supposed to be less confrontational? Smile more?
I'm a criminal barrister, not some reporter from The One Show.
Caroline, the most important thing is that you be yourself.
- There you go! Great! - Unless you want to apply for silk again,
in which case you have nine months to become someone different.
Someone a little sunnier, more optimistic.
- Hey, Liam. - This is deception and fraud. - What's going on?
- He got the YouTube Paedo Nazi. - Oh, well done, Will.
It's not a big deal. Miles just thinks I'm the kind of dude
- it would be fun to work with. - You're unbelievable.
Making out that you're some kind of louche legal lothario.
Was it me who did that, Liam, or was it you?
Oh, no, you're right. I think that was Liam.
It was not meant to make people like you! And now what?
Oh! Oh! Oh! This is like Crown and Fagan.
You know, the case where the little man reversed
onto the police officer's foot, but it was an accident.
And then it was all about whether he was assaulting the officer
by not moving the car. So Miles thinking Will is cool
and sexy isn't Will's fault. But now it's all about whether
Will's going to put it right or not.
Exactly. Exactly the same.
And Fagan had no duty getting off the officer's foot.
- Actually, he did. He was convicted. - Sure.
But it was quite a different case.
There was a car in it, for one thing, I don't even have a car.
- Are you happy with this? - Fuck off, Liam. - All right.
Bye, guys.
See ya.
Serves him right for spreading all those false rumours about me.
Silly Miles.
- Know what that is? - Smoothie made of bananas and death?
It's Qood.
Food... with a Q.
Meal substitute made of oats, MCT powder, sunflower oil, bean protein.
All the rage in Silicon Valley.
It's got all the vitamins, and it's less than a quid a meal.
Tastes like you've sucked off a scarecrow, but that's by the by.
You actually eat this stuff?
Twice a day.
Because we get 12 grand for this whole year and I have no backup.
My point is, Will, do not underestimate
what I will do to get this job.
Use this chauvinist crap to get ahead, but know this.
There will be no mercy.
I will go through you...
.. fast as this stuff goes through me, and it won't look good.
It does not look good.
OK, pal?
Your choice.
You all right there, Mr Barrister?
Hey, Lee.
Why are you still coming to court?
Just interested, innit.
Hetty and me go back a long time.
And I love her, that's the truth, despite what I done.
- So what do you reckon? She going down? - Maybe, yeah.
She won't get too big a sentence, though.
- You guys have kids. - Oh, right.
- Yeah, that's good. It's good. - It's good.
Yeah, I'm not with Deanna any more, you know?
I've made a new start. Got some work, I do Buddhism.
Not big time. Just online, you know?
Sorry, Lee, is it...? All right, I'm just trying to kind of...
One of my gurus, he talks about honesty.
He says a lie is a rot.
A man has a duty to tell the truth even if it does him no good at all.
What do you think about that?
Yeah.
No, I think... there's something in that.
But I guess sometimes truth... can be very hurtful to other people.
And also...
.. sometimes lies can be very, er... helpful.
So maybe it is a rot, but kind of like a good rot?
Like kind of in a... in a... in a cheese or something?
And, obviously, when you're serving people cheese, you don't tell them
that it's made of mould.
So you just keep the rot secret...
.. er, for everyone's benefit.
Sorry, are you talking about with the case?
I said in my statement I didn't see nothing.
But I was hiding on the stairs. I saw everything.
Everything?
So did Deanna hit Hetty first? Did you see that?
Yeah.
But they'll never believe me now, will they?
The damage is done.
- It's too late now. - I don't think it is too late, Lee.
- I don't think it is too late. - You mean I can still be honest? - Yeah.
I think we can still... Yeah.
We can still be honest.
- You mean I can still be honest. - Yeah.
That's what... That's exactly what I'm saying.
Thank you! You're a wise man!
Hi, this is Nessa. Leave a message,
but do wait until after the...
Hey, chicken.
Just calling to make sure you'll be in tonight,
because I have something that I want to talk to you about.
- Morning, Simon! - Yeah, let me know when you finish.
Oh, sorry. Actually, I've got to go. I'll call you back later.
.. nothing embarrassing, unfortunately.
OK, Palio.
Hear that? Palio. Like the Sienese horse festival.
Um, Caroline, I'm sure you're going to say this is wrong...
I'm sure it will be right. Good to see you. Morning, Will.
- You, too. Are you OK? - Doodle-dandy!
OK. Um...
Basically, Lee's changing his evidence.
He saw Deanna hit Hetty first.
Ah, bit risky. The prosecution will ask why he's switching.
Yes, but I was thinking, it's like you said.
It's about perception. So even if the jury don't believe him,
they're going to love the story of a contrite partner,
of a family reunited.
Gosh, you're right.
Will, you are clever.
- You are a little clever clogs. - You mean we'll do it?
You betcha we will! The truth will out, and it will be lovely.
Oh! I feel sunny!
Get me a croissant, and make sure it's angled like a smile.
- OK. - Hm!
Miles, hello.
What's Packham packing? That's the question.
Yes. What's Packham packing...!
There's an interlocutory hearing for the vlogger trial on Tuesday
so I'm going to need you over the weekend, OK?
Yes, no, absolutely. Thank you. Miles, listen, I actually just
- wanted to have a chat with you about something. - Yes, what?
Basically, I didn't sleep with the juror.
It was just a silly drunken kiss.
I'm quite a staid guy.
I don't really engage in laddie banter.
I've basically only slept with sort of...
.. under ten people.
As in, fewer than ten, not people who are under ten, obviously.
That's a completely different thing. But, um...
I mean, I've only really ever done the missionary position.
So, you know, if you're giving me work cos you think I'm
some kind of young stud, that is not me.
Just in the spirit of, erm, of honesty.
You think I'm giving you work because you bounced on some juror.
Erm... no.
Obviously, I know it's not entirely because of that,
but just the impression...
I gave you work because Caroline told me
your evidence summaries were excellent.
Oh, that's actually very nice of her.
Liam, does your fellow pupil think I'm some kind of moron?
Surely not, Miles.
- No, Miles, I don't think you're a moron. - Sorry, did someone speak?
Right. I'll see if the odd blonde girl wants it.
Come on!
It was a massive slap Deanna gave her.
Hetty almost went down.
I remember it as clear as day.
And, Lee, some people might say you're bound to back Hetty
in this dispute. She's the mother of your children.
No, I'm telling the truth.
But I'm glad I can.
Because, honest to my heart, Hetty's a wonderful person...
.. and I've let her down.
And I'm sorry, babe.
I just want to get you home to show you that.
- General Ukip just smiled. - Course he did.
Mr Roberts, you're certain that Miss Lewis struck first?
Oh, yeah, for sure. I was relieved.
Relieved? Why?
Well, Hetty knew I was seeing someone.
And she said if it was Deanna, she'll mess her up big time.
So, naturally I was worried.
She'd formed the intention. Shit off...
Do you mean to say that Hetty expressed the intention
of messing Miss Lewis up?
Yeah. But when Deanna hit her. I was like,
"Great, now she's got an excuse."
- Oh, we are so fucked. - And of course, she particularly didn't like it
- that Deanna was half black. - Racial aggravation.
That's another five months. I'm never listening to you again.
- Joint decision. - Sunny and optimistic. Bunch of bollocks.
♪ I could be faithful
♪ Honest and true... ♪
Not going to say goodbye?
Me? Nah.
I did time once. You just want to get it started.
You played me.
What? I'm surprised as you are, bruv.
You understand.
I've got two kids with Hetty, and previous.
It's hard for a dad to get custody in those circumstances.
So you sent their mother down for eight months. Nice.
You're not even a Buddhist, are you?
But Hetty's a nasty woman.
You can put a dress on her, it won't change that.
The bad shit we do lingers, brother.
The world watches and knows.
- Hey. - Here she is!
- Shall we go back to mine? - Yeah, let's get out of here.
Hey, Will!
Namaste.
- You all right, babe? - Yeah, yeah, I'm cool.
- You want to get something to eat? You hungry? - Yeah, sounds good...
♪ I cannot remember
♪ Anything you say
♪ When the streets are talking
♪ Yeah, they call my name
♪ And I walk a little further
♪ I can go all day... ♪
- Hey, Ness. - Hey, you. What did you want to talk about?
- Talk about? - Yeah, you left a message.
- Sounded important. - Er...
No, I was just going to get a pizza for later,
so I was wondering what flavour you wanted?
Oh, great! Whatever. You choose.
- Four cheeses? - Sure. That sounds good.
♪ Some things just don't add up, I'm upside down, I'm inside out
♪ Now standing face-to-face with the king of the underground
♪ Some things just don't add up, I'm upside down, I'm inside out. ♪