Do not underestimate what I'll do to get this job.
There are four of us, and, erm, Chambers are only going to
give us one place.
It's a real privilege getting to learn from the Head of Chambers.
The YouTube Paedo Nazi?
- He's doing that? - I have to shadow him on that case.
Liam and Pia have been getting all the good work.
Will. You're the one who boinked the juror.
Are you asking me to do the YouTube Paedo Nazi?
Oh, I thought it might be fun to work on together.
If I take the case,
it's a bit like I'm sort of confirming for everyone
that I am the guy
- who cheats on his girlfriend. - You are that guy.
You think I'm giving you work because you bounced on some juror?
- Erm... - Right!
I'll see if the odd blonde girl wants it.
It's a tricky one!
I mean, look at her. She aced the YouTube Paedo Nazi case,
and now she's working for all the top guys in Chambers.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yep. I'm just thinking it better.
- Pints. - Cheers.
- No worries. - I'll get you back.
Can't stay too long. Making dinner for my girlfriend.
- Ooh! Which one? - Very funny, Liam.
What you guys talking about?
Taylor Swift over there. She's getting work we can only dream of.
While we're stuck with all the crap jobs.
I don't know -- Caroline's letting me draft a response to a hearsay application,
so I guess that's a sign of her trust.
I mean, it's good, but it's not the YouTube Paedo Nazi.
This is like cycling.
She's the outrider,
we're the crowd behind. The question is
do we hang out here sniffing each other's arse fumes,
or do we work together, hunt her down, crush her?
Crush Pia? All she does is work and babble.
That's like ganging up on WALL-E.
- I hate WALL-E. - Robot twat.
OK...
Are you in or out?
I'm Premier Inn.
You guys scheme your evil schemes. Just don't get me involved.
It's not my style.
Cheated on your girlfriend.
Still doing that.
You guys have no idea what happened,
- so... maybe give it a rest. - I just think
it's important to remember that your shit doesn't smell of Skittles.
Yeah. Your shit smells of shit.
OK, you can have that pint. See you later.
Oh, come on!
You know what? Can I just tell you what actually happened,
to put an end to all this?
Selina and I kissed.
And it wasn't like, "Oh, hi, nice to meet you.
"I'm kissing you on the mouth. Whoops."
It was like, "Whoa, this is real kiss. This is proper kiss.
"This is mouth on mouth. Mouth town."
Brilliant.
And then suddenly she calls a taxi and we're in the back of the taxi
and we're kissing some more. And the whole time, I'm thinking,
"This is really fucked up, this is really fucked up, this is really fucked up,"
but I can't stop kissing her, because it feels fucking amazing.
Go on...
We arrive at her house,
and she looks at me, and she says,
"So... you wanna come in?"
And I look at her,
and I say,
"Can I take a raincheck?"
What? What did you say?
You psychopath. It's like you stabbed the guard, blew up the safe
and then decided you didn't want the money. I can't get a handle on you.
OK. All I'm saying is that I love Nessa, I love my girlfriend.
I fucked up, but it's good that I stopped.
Admittedly, I should have stopped quite a bit sooner,
but I did a good thing, maybe after I'd done some bad things,
but given the circumstances, I think I did pretty well.
"Can I take a raincheck?"
No, I don't like that. Not one bit.
I guess we'll have to deal with Pia ourselves.
Yeah.
Shall we get some pork scratchings?
Yeah.
- Working on your big application, buddy? - Yeah. Sorry.
- Oh. Caroline. - Yeah, just to say,
we're in court first thing tomorrow, so get to bed early.
Er... yep, sure, OK.
Last-minute brief from the CPS. Granny basher. Should be fun.
- Oh, cool. Sounds brilliant. - See you at Chambers.
Oh, they've fucking gone and done it now!
- You seen that? - Thank you so much
for giving me that hearsay application, Caroline. It's such...
- Oh, yeah, about that... - Caroline,
- have you seen this shit? - Don't tell me,
we've run out of kitchen towel in the first-floor coffee area.
Not that. Lord Weatheridge's report.
More cuts to legal aid, and the Bar Council have just gone and approved it.
It's a pissing disgrace.
Where are you getting this from?
Well, from Twitter, obviously. Where do you get your legal news from?
MoreLawChat.com.
It's a message board.
You have a username and then you just chat.
There's about 50 of us on there, all regulars.
- Oh, er, shame about the cuts, though. - "Shame"?
This merits strike action.
I'm bringing this up in my role as President of the Young Bar Society.
"Young Bar"? Ashley, you're 40.
Yes, Caroline, I am an older young barrister.
But as older young barristers,
we need to set an example for our younger young colleagues.
- Our future lies with the young. - Mmm.
Of all ages.
I should probably read about those plans.
E-mail me that tweet, will you?
E-mail you the tweet?
Do you want me to do that for you?
I know how to do it. She's just...
Luddite.
Evidence still hasn't come through.
Always happens with overnight returners. Just keep checking.
I didn't know you prosecuted.
Now and then.
I'm a treat.
Calm. Fair. Relentless as the rain
down a hiker's arse crack.
I guess it makes it easier that the guy's beaten up a granny.
Right, there's your first mistake.
The prosecutor is first and foremost an instrument of justice.
- Mm? - Does the bread hook pity the dough?
Or the whisk despise the cream?
- No? - Precisely. They do their job,
and they leave judgment out of it.
Doesn't do to be judgey.
Any of us could end up decking a granny someday.
I don't think I could ever end up decking a granny.
What if she was a terrorist granny?
I'd call the police, probably.
What if she had a bomb that was about to explode?
Then I would try to disarm her gently,
because she is a granny.
So pious.
Oh, link's just come through.
That's not good, is it?
Matty, can I explain how trials work?
- Caroline, I'm just in a bit of a... - What happens is we barristers
cite evidence that the police and the CPS -- that's you...
- Yep. - .. have loaded on to the system.
Then the judge and jury look at it.
There's been a fuck-up, hasn't there?
I've got a trial in 15 minutes and there's no evidence on the system,
just an indictment and a police case summary that says... Will?
"He hurt the old lady proper bad."
No. No, no, no, it can't just say that.
Just...
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah. Shit, no.
Actually,
this trial's already been delayed twice for lack of, erm...
Who's the reviewing lawyer? I'll call in.
Kelly Marten.
Er, yeah, no point.
Er, Kelly's taking a break.
Well, you can't blame her. These cuts have hit the CPS hard.
- Creaky system. - Sure. And before that,
you were like a bureaucratic SAS.
Where's the officer in the case? He should have the hard evidence.
- Where is he? - I don't know. I haven't seen him.
- Oh, do you want me to find him? - Yeah,
I want you to find him.
Find my bloody evidence, you monochrome moron.
Earn your piss-poor salary!
- Infuriating! - Tell me about it.
The thing is, the CPS do control the work,
so you've got to be nice to them.
Right...
OK, Will, let's find our complainant.
Why is Graham smiling at me?
If it's Graham Tandy, he's defending.
Strange man. Always has a packed lunch with him.
Graham, how are you?
Caroline! This is the third scheduled trial.
My client's been in custody for six months.
I'm getting a discharge.
- Nasty. You should have that looked at. - Not from my penis,
from the judge.
Oh, come on, Graham, you know what it's like.
Give me half a day to find the evidence
and I will give him the fairest trial.
Would you give me half a day?
Always.
I want a discharge, Caroline.
All right, all right, don't spill your cheesy dippers.
A packed lunch is a sensible economy. I have three children.
I don't care if you're Captain von Trapp,
you should see yourself sucking a Capri Sun.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, hey, Danielle.
- Pia! Nice to see you. - You too.
I've been shadowing the Head of Pupillage on an interlocutory.
- Cool, right? - Yeah.
Danielle?
- Hm? - I'm so sorry.
Four months as pupils, and you and I have barely chatted.
- It's OK. We both work hard. - No.
No, my mum's always telling me off for not making friends.
She says I focus too much on academic achievement
and not enough on, you know, social achievement.
Yeah.
Cool.
- Do you have a boyfriend? - Er,
- well... - I do.
His name's John. He's a baby tenant at Furcifer Chambers, planning law.
I know. So me.
Sorry, complete your sentence.
Oh, well, I'm not really in the market at the moment.
Oh, preach. Yeah, boys are too much trouble.
Yeah.
The other day, John came round drunk while I was working late,
and I ended up wanking him off into the Chambers cafetiere.
You did what?
In the first-floor coffee area?
There's never any kitchen towel, is there?
Oh, hello.
- Welcome to Witness Services. - All right, who's in charge here?
I'm looking for an Annie Scott.
I'm Kirsten. I'm doing work experience for my aunt in the court office.
The witness volunteer didn't show up, so I'm subbing in.
Great, now we're using child labour.
Haven't got an Annie. It's mad round here, innit?
Mm, pretty wild, yeah.
Sergeant Wells is not responding at his home.
He was working nights last night,
so he's probably, you know, catchin' some zees.
He's on nights when he's meant to be in court?
I mean, that's a cock-up, but you know the police -- they're so stretched.
Yeah, yeah, creaky system. Keep trying.
'All parties in the case of Moreland to Court One, please.
OK. I will play for time.
You need to get a new statement from the complainant.
That's enough to start a trial if Matt doesn't get the old one here on time.
Find that granny.
And this is big -- do not let her know that we've lost the evidence.
Sorry, hang on. Shouldn't the complainant know?
God, no. Never inform the complainant.
They're unpredictable. They do runners, they withdraw their evidence.
But she's already given a statement. She's going to know that something's up.
- What am I supposed to say to her? - She's an elderly woman.
She's scared, she's confused, and you are her lawyer.
You can tell her any old crap you like.
You're her lawyer.
All right?
You seem happy...
Pia wanked off her boyfriend into the first-floor cafetière.
- What? - Last week.
His genetic material is in most of Chambers by now.
Oh, my God.
Most of them go ape if you get the blend wrong.
Imagine when they find out they've been drinking balls latte.
Exactly.
Such quick results!
- We make a great team. - Yep, I collect the intelligence,
you spread it.
Come again?
It's better that way.
Division of labour.
And when women tell on women, it never looks good.
Fuck off.
- What? - I'm not telling people this.
- I'll look awful. - Hey,
we're meant to be a team.
No, no, no.
This is a double takedown.
Pia goes down for the cafetiere and people think I'm some kind of slimeball.
People already think you're a slimeball.
Oh, they suspect it. They don't know it.
OK, then what are we going to do?
Because this intel is dead unless we spread it.
"Chumbo"'s not a word, is it? "Chundo"?
- Annie? Annie Scott? - Yes.
- Hello! - Hi, I'm Will.
- Oh, you're here. - Annie, shall I just, er,
take these puzzles and pop them in your special folder?
Yep? I'll give them back later.
Er, so, this is Will. He's your barrister.
He's the one that presents our case.
Yes, I remember how it works.
- It's my third time here. - Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm getting used to it.
Sorry, I'm Beth, Victim Support.
Hello there, nice to meet you. Er, sort of,
er, like a professional friend and explainer for Annie, because she's old.
Not professional as in paid, as in fully trained and...
- .. er, very enthusiastic. - Oh, well, that's brilliant!
- Thank you! - Er, just to be clear, I'm not actually the barrister.
- I'm the pupil. - Wonderful.
What is that?
- What is...? - A pupil. What is it?
I-I-I can't explain if I don't know.
- Well, it's just like a trainee. - Right, OK.
So, Annie, Will is sort of a trainee to your barrister.
Actually, your boss really should have come and introduced himself.
Yeah, so, Caroline, er, she's in court at the moment.
But what she wanted from you, Annie, is, er, a sort of statement.
- A statement? - Yeah, she's already done a statement.
Er, yes. So this would just be like a second statement. It's very common.
Well, it's never happened in my experience, and I've done nine trials.
It's not common-common, but it's kind of like...
Why would the young lad lie to us, Beth?
Exactly. I mean, I'm not a liar. So...
Well, I'm not saying you're a liar.
Er, I'll tell you what, Annie,
I'm going to go and get the court officer. I'll just be a couple of minutes.
Sorry, I've got a leaflet here, Will, er, called The Criminal Process,
which you're probably familiar with. Doesn't say anything in here
- about a second statement. - Yeah, don't worry about it.
I'm not sure why you would even need one.
I mean, is there something wrong with the first one?
No, no. God, no. No, the first one was great. We were thrilled...
I mean, not thrilled with it,
obviously, because of the specifics of it. Er, obviously very harrowing.
- Yeah. - Yeah, but, er...
I tell you what, Beth, would it be OK if just you and I
have a quick chat in the CPS room?
- The CPS room? - Yeah.
Well, er...
Er, Annie? Do you mind waiting for me in Witness Services?
I won't be a minute. All right?
I think she'll be all right.
Lead on, Macduff.
I've heard from both counsel.
Ms Bratt,
this is this trial's third listing.
The defendant has been in custody for 180 days.
We start now.
- Your Honour, can I...? - No, no, Miss Bratt. This chap
pleads not guilty. You can offer no evidence, and everyone can go home.
Mr Tandy, er,
please bring in your client and we can get started.
Er... Your Honour, this is where we have a problem.
My client is not here.
The van from the prison has yet to turn up.
Apologies, Your Honour.
Some problem with the contractors of the prison van.
With the cuts.
Yes. Yes, of course.
Creaky system.
Exactly, Your Honour.
Well, Ms Bratt...
.. you have until the defendant turns up.
I've never been in the CPS room.
This is special.
Yeah.
Yeah. Er...
So Beth, I was thinking that you and I could maybe do with consulting
as to what's best for Annie.
Good. Yes, good. Yeah. I mean, I've only been doing this a short time,
but I have already noticed this silly gap between the barristers
and the support. We are on the same side.
Yeah, I know, exactly.
So Caroline, who, as you know, is actually legally qualified,
er, she thinks that we should get a second statement.
- Sure. Yeah. - Yeah.
No.
No, I... You know, Annie has been through a lot.
I worry that going through her testimony again might unsettle her.
Really? She seems OK.
That woman was beaten
and trapped in her own bathroom for 26 hours.
I mean, you have read the original statement.
Yes. No, yes, I have.
- Absolutely, yeah. - Dreadful.
- I remember that bit, definitely. - Exactly.
So I don't think...
OK, Beth, I'm really sorry, I'm going to have to come clean with you.
We don't have the old statement,
because we've lost it,
along with all of the rest of the evidence.
You've done what?
Good news! I've bought us some time. Did you get that statement?
You've lost the evidence?
- Who's she? - It's OK. This is Victim Support.
How could you have lost the evidence?
Why are you telling her we've lost the evidence?
Because you wanted a second statement.
This is dreadful. We need to let Annie know. What the hell are you up to?
We didn't think it was right to worry our client.
You have no evidence
on the morning of the trial. No, I'm sorry, Annie needs to know.
- No. Grab her. Grab her. - No, keep your hands off me.
- I wasn't going to. - Excuse me.
My hands are not near you.
- Grab her! - I can't grab her, obviously.
- Is this locked?! - No, Beth.
- Help! Let me out! - Beth, can I just...?
- Help! - Can I just show you? Pull it.
- Yeah? - Thank you.
I did it. I did it. Sergeant Wells is awake. He's...
.. 30 minutes away, max.
Excellent. The officer will have all the original evidence,
- and no-one needs to scare the horses. - Right,
well, er, I'll tell Annie everything's all right.
Yeah, you tell your victim everything's all right, you make her a nice cuppa
and you get your Brownie first-aid badge out of my operating theatre.
Safety door.
OK.
So we're sitting on this cafetière information,
but we can't be seen to distribute it. Agreed?
Agreed.
Behold.
What the fuck is that?
@SneakyBarrister,
the new gossip service spilling the beans on the London barrister scene.
No leads. No trace.
No followers.
Sure, we'll have to build up a base, put out a few other tasty titbits,
to attract some followers.
- Titbits like what? - Easy.
So, I write...
"Will from 60 Bedford Row slept with
"a juror named Selina."
We find some more titbits,
maybe an Insta account
to divert followers.
And when we get to a few thousand, boom, we drop the bombshell.
So basically your plan involves
several weeks of a fully integrated social media strategy.
OK...
Scrub that.
Let's post the cafetiere story now and repost it ourselves.
From our own accounts?
Fair point. Bad idea.
Sitting on a gold mine.
It's fun having you around. You're like one of those extra hobbits, you know,
the two who just mess things up and keep it interesting.
The whole day has been stupid chaos.
The system's creaking more than normal. Still,
CPS screwed us,
the van driver screwed the defence.
That is justice, basically.
Oh, I meant to say, you won't have had time to do that hearsay application.
No, it's fine, I stayed up really late, so just a few bits and bobs.
No, it's OK.
I got that Pia girl to do it.
OK...
Yeah, she whipped it up this morning. Pretty great, actually.
- What if she was a racist? - Who, Pia?
Hypothetical granny. Would you beat her up then?
All grannies are a little bit racist, aren't they?
OK, worse than racist. What if she was Hitler?
Then she wouldn't be a granny. She'd be Hitler.
Ladies and gentlemen, our saviour, Sergeant Wells.
- Do you know Caroline? - From the other side.
Sorry I'm late. Creaky system.
- Yeah, creaky system. - Ready to go now. Just one thing.
Can I print off copies of the evidence? Didn't have time to stop by the station.
Sorry, you don't have the evidence?
Well, as I say...
We don't have the evidence.
We thought you had the evidence.
Well, I'm not meant to be the only guy with the evidence.
OK. This is fine. We'll call the station.
If it's not here in time, we'll get the statement out of Annie.
I can't find Annie. I've looked everywhere.
I think she's gone.
I had it at the case meeting. Look in the drawer.
Not the bottom drawer, the top drawer.
I'm trying to find your neighbour, Annie.
Annie, yes.
Yes. So can you tell her that Beth....?
Beth.
No, B-E-T-H.
H. That's it.
- Hello? - Will, good news. Have you got a minute?
Sorry, just give me a second.
OK, sorry, what's up?
Pia wanked off her boyfriend into the first-floor cafetière.
Oh! Nice.
I know. And I just want to say...
.. this is nothing to do with our chat last night,
but we do think
that someone senior in Chambers should know, if only for health reasons.
That's very nice of you.
And I thought if you told Caroline,
no-one would question your intentions, because you're such a stand-up guy
and, you know, everyone in Chambers really respects you.
Yeah, nice try, Danielle. Sorry, I've got to go.
We all just love hygiene and coffee!
Fuck.
Sorry you had to find me in here, but...
.. Beth was lurking in the foyer, so I couldn't leave.
Thank you for staying.
And you know what? It's really natural to feel nervous before a trial.
Especially if you've lost the evidence.
OK. Shit. Er...
Well...
.. firstly, the evidence will turn up, hopefully.
And second of all, even if it doesn't,
we can actually do it with just your testimony.
I see.
So it's little old me alone against one of you barristers.
It was supposed to be a guilty plea on the day.
Yeah.
The thing is, if we don't put this guy in prison, he could attack again.
Won't attack me again!
I've been duffed up once in 75 years.
I'd be bloody unlucky for it to happen to me again.
Could happen to other people, I guess.
"Other people"!
Oh, listen, son,
you won't go far wrong if you keep this in mind --
what's in it for me?
As far as this goes, well,
I'm the victim here. Don't I get to choose?
Well, unless you think the evidence will turn up...
I don't know.
If you don't want to do the trial, I don't think you should do the trial, Annie.
You seem a bit soft for this line of work.
- If you don't mind me saying. - No, it's fine.
It's been said before.
With the CPS offering no evidence, this case cannot continue,
and you leave without a stain on your character.
It's an arse, but nothing we can do. Not feeling too cut up, are you?
Er, no. I mean, that's the thing about complainants.
Can't rely on them.
Look at you, hardening up. Oh!
Gossip on MoreLawChat.com.
Apparently, a pupil at some Chambers
wanked off her boyfriend into the Chambers cafetiere.
Oh, right!
Oh. Hang on.
Can I have a takeaway coffee in the morning?
Yep. Sure.
See you tomorrow.
Hey, chicken.
Hey. Where are you?
Er, just finishing up at work. I'll be home in a bit.
- OK. I'll see you soon. - OK.
- All right, see you. - Bye.