Behold. @SneakyBarrister.
So, I write, "Will from 60 Bedford Row
"slept with a juror named Selina."
This will not do. You've got to start doing
what's best for the situation,
not running around like a wide-eyed truth puppy
shitting in his own breakfast.
Everybody wants lovely bad things sometimes,
or maybe a lot of the time.
You just choose the good things.
This is bad. This is really bad.
Mm. I know. The question is, do we hang out here,
sniffing each other's arse fumes,
or do we work together, hunt her down, crush her?
You guys scheme your evil schemes. Just don't get me involved.
John came round drunk
while I was working late, and I ended up wanking him off
into the Chambers cafetiere.
- You did what? - Can I have a takeaway coffee in the morning?
Yeah. Sure.
I still can't work out
how the whole cafetiere thing got out.
I kind of feel like I just need to get you out of my system
and, like, maybe you just need to get me out of your system.
If you need a rewind, make an effort.
Take me somewhere nice.
Or be good.
'This is the 12.15 service from Bath Spa to London Paddington.
- Here we are, home again. - Sure.
- Come on, lift it, don't drag it. - Sorry.
Caroline! There you are. How was Bath?
It was a police case, wasn't it?
Three days turning some boys in blue into pot-potpourri.
Seriously, though, the police will probably have to shut down
after what I did to them,
so... stay away from Bath, I guess.
Oh, a trial in the regions, eh? Takes me back.
Disputing by day, carousing by night,
holed up in a hotel with your best girl
while your second-best girl is none the wiser in town.
Well, that's how it was in the old days, of course.
Not now.
No, of course not.
Caroline, is it all right if I go?
- I'm late for this mock trial thing. - Sure.
He's all excited for Ashley's little panto.
- Ahhh! - So eager.
Takes you back.
Give us a hand with these bags, will you?
I said not to be intimate at work.
The 60 Bedford Row Mock Trial is all about big fun
yet simultaneously a very serious matter.
You'll be crossing wits in front of a jury
of senior tenants from Chambers.
Now, they know you've never been on your feet in court before,
and they don't expect the complete package.
That said, this is the only time they will hear you speak
before voting on your Chambers membership in six months' time.
Now, the witnesses will be played by professional actors
and the judge will be one Mr Ashley Jeevaratnam.
Only a matter of time, Your Honour.
That's very funny. Really...
.. excellent humour.
So, shall we pick sides? Where's Pia?
- Not... - Doesn't matter.
- Liam, could you write down the names? - Yep.
- Use these Post-its. - Thank you... Your Honour.
Is this where you stayed in Bath? Looks fancy.
Yeah, erm, had a deal on.
Got to use the spa and everything. It was lovely.
Spa? Ooh!
Thank you, Counsel. Now, the Counsel for the Defence
will be -- drum roll --
Liam and...
- .. Danielle... - Classic!
.. which means the prosecution will be Will and Pia.
That's that. Your clients will be ready for conference in ten minutes.
- Thank you. - Thanks, Ashley.
Proper actors. This is going to be awesome!
Oh, my God, we should have a really funny bet,
where the losers have to lick the floor clean, like dogs.
You don't want to bet on this, Liam. Your guy is guilty as.
Plus Pia's a machine, so...
He should probably know.
Know what?
Pia's had a bit of a breakdown.
Even the minor barristers have stopped giving her work
after the whole... cafetiere thing came out.
Last we heard, she was doing admin work for the clerks.
What a waste of a degree.
♪ My old man said follow the van
♪ And don't dilly-dally on the way
♪ So I dillied and dallied
♪ Dallied and dillied... ♪
Why do you think I'm glad to get the Duke of Lamebridge?
♪ ... Lost my way and don't know where to roam... ♪
Hey, Will. You back from Bath?
Er, yeah.
What's all that?
Oh, it's not so bad. It's just three years of old accounts
I have to copy into the Chambers new software.
It's saving Chambers hundreds and it really takes up my days.
Still feeling confident?
Wow! They look real.
Good actors.
Best I take the lead. As a presence, I'm more reassuring.
You look half-dwarf.
They want legal advice,
not a mighty suit of armour.
Hello!
- Hi, I'm Phillip. - And I'm Hannah, Phillip's wife.
Liam Mingay. And this is Ms Sadler, my learned junior.
You human stretch mark.
Very pleased to meet you.
There's been a terrible injustice, Mr Mingay.
Well, you can count on me.
And Ms Sadler. But mostly me.
Why don't you tell me what happened in your own words?
Tell me what happened in your own words.
I killed Dieter Trabajo.
But Dieter Trabajo would have killed me first.
It's damn good to talk.
I've been festering in custody
ever since my arraignment at plea before venue
- in the Magistrates' Court. - Ooh, nice. Done your research.
Sorry, can we try not to break scene, please,
make it as real as possible?
Oh, right. Sorry, that's me.
No, that's OK. You weren't to know.
All cool. Just... we do this to ply our craft, not for the money.
Though the money is good.
The money's fine.
Do go on, Phillip.
Yeah, again, can we not break the scene?
I didn't. Did I?
You did, you said...
Sorry.
The thing is my real name is Phillip, as well,
and I thought you were addressing me Phillip,
not the character Phillip.
It helps us stay natural if we keep the same names.
Right. Of course.
Let's try again.
Phillip...
Yes? Sorry, caught me off guard. I wasn't in character.
Yes?
What is she doing?
Why would she ask Liam out for a drink? She must be an alien
looking to harvest his organs.
It's a long way to come for Liam.
He's a unique specimen,
the only being in the galaxy made entirely of rectum.
- Why did you bring her? - She needed company.
I can't believe we let her get like this.
Leave it out right now.
I am not taking responsibility for her malfunction.
The cafetiere story got out. These things do.
- No-one's fault. - Yep.
Good point. No... no-one's fault.
There we are agreed.
Here she is.
Hey.
Oh, this is nice.
I've missed you so much.
Right back at ya!
You seem perky.
Travelodge didn't get you down?
Er, no, it was great.
You remember Danielle?
Hey.
- I'll get you a vodka and lime. - Thank you.
He seems happy.
Hotel living must suit him.
Yeah, loved the spa, apparently.
It's exciting,
working with ac-tors.
Never even met an actor before.
Really? You've been a bit closeted.
Yeah... Well, maybe I have.
Never met all sorts of people.
Never met a...
.. bricklayer.
Or a sailor.
I mean, I've only seen chefs at a distance.
Right!
- My parents are both barristers. - Oh, wow. No pressure, then.
Oh, no. No, no, God, no.
I mean, it would be if they were sort of
breathing down my neck all the time,
but, luckily, I've got a whole, you know, floor of the house to myself.
Another drink, Ms Newport?
If that is your real name.
I mean, that's not my real name.
I'm Hannah Jerrold.
Hannah Newport was the character's name.
Oh, right, gotcha!
How... How do I tell the difference?
Maybe you can't.
Maybe I'm still in character now and I've lured you here.
To seduce me?
Jesus, Liam. That's a bit off.
Fuck. Sorry, it's stupid.
No, maybe, though.
I'll get you another drink.
Ooh, Pia, this is Nessa.
Hi. I'm Will's girlfriend.
Which one?
What?
♪ Da-da-da! ♪
You two met?
Yeah.
Morning, Caroline.
Get my e-mail last night?
- Yep, got it. - Smash-and-grabber going not guilty.
Where are we today?
Who am I, your secretary? Look it up. See you then.
All right. Thanks. Bye.
Evidence summaries?
Yep, tabbed and bullet-pointed.
And what about his previous?
- All relevant, unfortunately. - Mm-hm.
How are you going for this mock trial?
Not going to cock it up, are you?
Don't think so. Pretty confident, if I'm honest.
Really? Unusually swaggering of you.
How's your cross?
My cross-examination is... pretty good, actually.
"Pretty good" not good enough. It's the only thing that matters.
- Ask me where I got this tarte tatin. - Where did you get the tarte tatin?
Wrong. Keep the questions closed. Control the info. Ask again.
You didn't buy that tarte tatin, did you?
- No. - Did you steal it from the Chambers fridge?
Yes, yes, I did. Good.
Mm!
Cross-examination is all about the mentality.
The other side are trying to bake something.
It's your job to smash the eggs and piss in the sugar.
You've got to really want to fuck things up.
First rule is to listen.
80% of witnesses will screw themselves.
Just watch me today.
So, let's get this straight.
A scooter screeches up outside the Sunglasses Hut, a man jumps off,
smashes the window with a hammer and grabs fistfuls of...?
Sunglasses.
Ray-Bans, Persol.
You were close enough to see the brands?
I thought you were across the road.
Well, I was just giving examples.
I mean, they could have been Ray-Bans.
Well, that's good enough, isn't it?
If they don't do it themselves, just ask them irrelevant stuff.
Which hand was the hammer in?
The right, I think.
Cross-reference it. Stuff starts to build.
The left. He had his helmet in the right.
So what did he grab the sunglasses with?
He must have scooped them into his helmet.
He left his helmet on his motorbike.
They're playing the tape over and over in their head,
and it's faded as fuck and they're pretending like it's Blu-ray.
You can't be sure he had the helmet on.
No, I'm certain he did.
So you recognised him how?
I mean, it will take you ages to get that good,
but once the mind-set clicks, plain sailing.
OK, so that's the case strategy.
I'd suggest that I do the opening note and maybe you speak second.
- Great. - OK.
Except, actually, Will, would you mind if I didn't speak?
Come on, Pia. You've got to get out of this funk,
seize the day. You know, plus, if you don't speak, we will lose.
We'll lose anyway.
No-one likes me, Will.
I work hard, I'm nice to everyone,
but it's like Ancient Greek camp all over again,
except this time I don't know what I've done wrong.
No... No, neither do I.
If someone told me what I'd done, then maybe I could fix it.
I mean...
.. who can say? Er, you know?
And the thing is we all make mistakes,
but whatever we've done wrong, it's fixable.
So perhaps you can fix it this afternoon with your performance.
- Whatever we've done wrong is fixable. - That's it.
As in, whatever you've done wrong, because I haven't done anything.
All right, losers? I'm vocally warm,
I've probed every flaw in your argument
and I've memorised a shitload of quotes.
- Seen Liam? - Right behind you.
Ready to rock?
You bet we are. Aren't we, Pia?
Better watch out, Liam, she is psychopumped.
In fact, better eat two dinners,
cos she's going to slice you a new arsehole.
Well, I'm sure we'll all be great in our own way.
The important thing to remember is, this is a huge privilege.
Fuck me. You banged the wife.
No, not "bang". Not "bang", Danielle.
We walked home, we talked...
.. and eventually, as the moon shone in on her suburban studio...
Oh, screw it, I'm in love.
- You bell-end. - No, I'm not going to respond to that.
Instead, I'm going to wish you this feeling I have right now,
because I'm a new Liam, and I feel alive.
Oh, my God.
Liam, what are you doing? We're on in two hours.
I'm sorry. Look, take mine. I don't need it.
No, I don't... Don't do that.
- Please stop doing that. - Please stop.
It's fine. I'll just... go home, I guess.
Ness? Is that you?
Yeah, I'm in here.
You working from home today?
I've got to get a new suit for the mock trial.
Liam spilt all this bollocks on me.
Hey!
Hey, what's the matter?
Will...
.. where did you stay in Bath?
A Travelodge.
Danielle said you'd been to a spa.
Travelodges don't have spas.
And when I told Pia I was your girlfriend, she said, "Which one?"
What the fuck, Will?
There's been a mistake.
Yeah, I hope so, because the way it's looking, you are lying to me.
- I'm not lying to you. - What the hell is happening, then?
OK, just...
.. talk me through what Danielle said, please.
- Why? - Just walk me through it, beat by beat,
if that's OK.
Er... I said you must enjoy hotel living,
and she said you loved the spa.
OK, good, she said that, did she?
And you assumed she meant a hotel spa, like with saunas and Jacuzzis.
I know what a spa is, Will.
But she just said spa.
Correct? So I put it to you
that there is the kind of spa that you find in a fancy hotel
but there is also the kind of Spar which is a small supermarket chain
where I might go to get a meal.
Don't you dare.
Go over what she said again, then.
I said you enjoyed the hotel.
She said, "Loved the spa, apparently."
OK, great, so you made a joke about
how I was staying in a shit Travelodge,
and then she made a joke about how I had to get my dinner in a Spar...
.. I would suggest.
OK...
But Pia said...
You said you were Will's girlfriend,
- correct? - Yes. - And then Pia said, "Which one?"
- Yes. - Yeah?
Do you know how many Wills there are in Chambers?
- No. - Four.
Four Williams.
So, which do you think is more likely,
that Pia was asking you which Will you meant,
or that she was telling you to your face
that I have another girlfriend?
Because she'd have to be a fucking moron!
Shit!
I have been worrying all day.
- Oh, I'm so sorry! - I'm sorry.
Your Honour, I call Phillip Newport.
Thank you, Mr Newport.
I, Phillip Newport, swear by Almighty God
that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth.
Tell the court what happened.
When Dieter told me he'd been embezzling from the company,
I said I'd go to the police.
He went doolally,
grabbed a golf club, went for me.
I defended myself with a glass...
.. and I stabbed him.
And your wife saw all this?
She arrived just as the fight started, saw the whole thing.
Afterwards, she ran to get help.
She couldn't use her phone?
No. Our house phone
was down, and mobile phones
don't exist in this scenario.
Yes. Thank you.
Mr Newport, your neighbour says that
he saw your wife's car returning home
ten minutes later than you claim.
You're relying on your wife's evidence,
but she wasn't even there when the crime was committed, was she?
She was. I saw her with my own eyes.
I put it to you that you killed Dieter in a violent rage
and when your wife arrived home, you lied to her
so she would stand by you.
Only a snake would lie to the woman he loves.
Well, I'm... suggesting to you, Mr Newport,
that you did lie, so are you a snake?
I am not that kind of faithless, cowardly vermin.
Yes. Erm...
Well, very good.
Is that it?
Yeah.
OK. Five-minute break.
Didn't feel right to push any further.
You're going to have to go after the wife quite hard.
What?
Pia, you can do this.
Hello, hello!
Hey there, Liam. Erm...
So, I'm going to be doing your examination in chief in a bit.
Sounds rude. Isn't.
Although after last night...
Liam, listen.
Sorry to do this before your trial,
but can we just... can we forget last night?
And do it all over again
- as if it was fresh and new. - No.
Erm, I mean just forget about it.
I was in character and on a high,
and sometimes you just... you just get carried away.
Oh.
OK.
Of course, yeah. No worries.
I mean, I was... I was carried away, too.
It was... It was very unprofessional.
I mean, you have a husband.
No, I don't have a husband.
It's acting.
Yes. Acting. Got it.
Sorry. The point is that I am more than fine
just forgetting about last night.
We met.
We had great sex.
Yes.
And that is a precious memory that we can hold on to for ever.
- I'll see you in court. - Yeah.
- OK. - OK.
- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.
Anything left for a Head of Chambers?
Oh! Sure.
Clean glass, is it? Nothing your boyfriend's shot in?
I heard shouting as I pulled into the drive.
Our front door leads straight to the front room,
and there I saw Dieter pinning down my husband.
Dieter backed away and picked up the golf club, then...
.. stabbing and... screaming and... blood.
My husband white and pale...
.. and his friend...
.. dead.
Thank you, Mrs Newport.
You say Dieter pinned your husband down then grabbed the golf club?
But in your statement you say Dieter already had the golf club.
Maybe I remembered it wrong.
You came in through the front door.
Did you use your keys to get in?
Yes. Yes, I think I did.
And yet neither of these men
noticed the noise of you entering the room.
- Well, maybe the door was on the latch. - Oh!
Well, now we have two versions.
Latch or key.
Have a think. Which is the lie?
Your Honour, counsel is intimidating the witness.
Excuse me, I am well within Code of Conduct Rule 7.1
and you know it, so siddown!
Why can't you give a consistent description of the attack?
Erm... maybe I've gone over it so much in my head
that I've added things I didn't see.
Maybe I did get there a little later.
"Maybe I did get there a little later."
No further questions.
Shit.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
A... A few more questions?
Yes, of course.
Dieter's house is just round the corner from yours.
A few minutes' walk. Correct?
- Correct. - Right, so, there is
one way you could have been there for the killing
and your neighbour could have seen your car pull up ten minutes later.
You could have arrived the first time with Dieter.
- That's ridiculous. - You arrived with Dieter, ready to flee
when he'd disposed of your husband.
But when Dieter met his end instead,
you fetched your car to cover your tracks...
- No, that's not true. - .. because when the police track
that embezzled money, they're going to find an offshore bank account
in your name, aren't they, Mrs Newport?
Yes.
Yes. It's true.
Dieter and I were lovers.
It's the only way we could be free to be together.
Harlot!
Maybe.
Or maybe you're a wily seductress
so desperate for money
you slept with your husband's defence counsel,
hoping love would blind him to your tissue of lies.
Why would you mention that?
- Oh, right, so that wasn't part of it. - No, of course it wasn't.
- You slept with him? - Oh, what's your problem?
You're not even married.
We're going out. We were going to move in together, you little prick!
- Hey, Danielle. - Shit!
Oh, I am so sorry!
Order in court.
Beat you like a dead horse!
Order!
Why don't I have a bloody gavel?
Well, that was intense.
I really thought she was the one, guys,
the one to... grow old with me...
.. type up my memoirs...
.. feed the setters.
Yeah, we've all been on a journey.
I think my foot is bleeding inside my shoe.
Hi, guys.
Eileen said she really loved my cross.
She asked me to work on a big fraud case with her.
See you at the pub?
OK.
I've got to shake myself out of this,
see if my dad wants a game of squash.
All's back to normal, then.
Looks like it.
You all right?
Yeah.
- Hello? - Hey. News on the smash-and-grab.
They found CCTV. They're going guilty in the morning.
Oh. Er, sorry to hear that.
Yeah, what can you do?
Sometimes the truth worms its way out in spite of you.
Yeah.
- Guess it does. - See you tomorrow.