1 00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:04,110 - What makes a barrister? - The brain of a fox. 2 00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:05,150 The liver of an ox. 3 00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:07,030 - The hugest of cocks. - The hugest of cocks. 4 00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:08,430 Where do you get your fire? 5 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:10,990 Cos you need to find that. At the moment, it's all a bit... 6 00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:14,070 - ... Hufflepuff. - The most important thing is that you be yourself. 7 00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:15,190 There you go! Great. 8 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:17,070 Unless you want to apply for silk again, 9 00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:20,320 in which case, you have nine months to become someone different. 10 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,230 - I'm Will's girlfriend. - Which one? 11 00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:25,350 The way it's looking, you are lying to me. 12 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,790 I'm not lying to you. So, which do you think is more likely, 13 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:30,230 that Pia was asking you which Will you meant, 14 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:34,270 or that she was telling you to your face that I have another girlfriend? 15 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:35,510 Oh, I'm so sorry! 16 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:36,870 All back to normal, then. 17 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:38,240 Looks like it. 18 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:47,520 I've been an unbelievable piece of shit. 19 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:51,360 You have been an unbelievable piece of shit. 20 00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:53,710 I'm sorry, Ness. 21 00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,710 Also, I'm sorry, I thought this place would be quieter on a Wednesday, 22 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:00,520 but I guess the football's on. 23 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:04,920 Do you think it's the job? 24 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:10,110 Just seems to have changed you. All the indifference, 25 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:12,110 the hardness, 26 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:15,320 all the "woohoo, I've got a granny-basher case". 27 00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:18,550 What happened to you, Will? 28 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:20,710 You know, I'd look at other guys and be like, 29 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,350 "Yeah, he's fit," or, you know, 30 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,550 "That one's... very funny or successful, 31 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,550 "but my Will... 32 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,680 ".. is just lovely." 33 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:36,360 And I thought we were pretty great together. Weren't we? 34 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,150 I don't know, Ness. 35 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:47,440 I'm sorry. 36 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,840 I'm going to go. 37 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:09,840 ♪ There's a storm comin' 38 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:14,590 ♪ You'd better run 39 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,880 ♪ There's a storm comin' 40 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:23,030 ♪ Goodbye to the sun 41 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:26,000 ♪ There's a storm comin' 42 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:31,750 ♪ You'd better 43 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,120 ♪ Run, boy, run 44 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:38,920 ♪ You'd better run... ♪ 45 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:44,630 Hey, Will! Liam's wearing his lucky charm, 46 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:46,550 and the charm is his pants! 47 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,750 Infallible magic, Wills. 48 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:51,910 These pants were worn to victory in the under-15 Westminster School's 49 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:55,550 high-jump competition. They've been my go-to cladding ever since. 50 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:58,430 Today's the day. First solo cases. What you got, Wills? 51 00:02:58,480 --> 00:02:59,630 Er, sentencing. Drugs. 52 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,470 - Hoo-hoo, drugs! You nervous? - Not particularly. 53 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,350 - Why? - I just thought maybe you're the sort 54 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,510 who freezes on the big day, 55 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,060 quits, moves to the Hebrides, does things with yarn. 56 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:10,760 Cool. Good luck, guys. 57 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:13,790 - All right? - Sorry, got to go. 58 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:15,110 What's going on with him? 59 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,790 God knows. Maybe his favourite podcast crew split up. 60 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:21,030 Well, I'm joyful. Second six, on our feet, and we only have to see our 61 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,510 pupil masters voluntarily. 62 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:26,230 Sometime this morning, I'm going to turn around, not see Ashley 63 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:28,030 and most probably orgasm. 64 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:30,390 - What you got? - Plea and mit. You? 65 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:33,830 Power cut off. £95, thank you very much. Pia, what about you? 66 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,670 Oh. Private drink-and-driving trial in the Mags. 67 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:39,150 - What? - The fuck? 68 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:42,270 Mm-hm. I met this solicitor friend of Miles and we connected. 69 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,710 - When you say you connected...? - Her favourite fruit is kiwis 70 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:46,360 and we both really love Glee. 71 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,310 - Actively ignoring that. - Yep. 72 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:53,270 Just going to have a lovely day. 73 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,310 - Hello? - Caroline! This is it. 74 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:01,350 You know we've been talking about increasing 75 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:02,430 your public profile. 76 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:05,070 Well, they're having a discussion day about women in the law 77 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,790 at the Southbank Centre tomorrow. 78 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:08,670 What's the Southbank Centre? 79 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,150 Er, it's... it's an arts centre. 80 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,270 On the South Bank. 81 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:15,070 - Of the Thames. - Oh, yeah. That. 82 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:18,110 - Fiona, it's really not my sort of thing. - OK, listen, 83 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:21,030 it is your sort of thing, because you want to be a QC 84 00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:24,750 and you are a leader, as a barrister and as a woman. 85 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,790 Yeah, I suppose I am those things. 86 00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:29,710 What do they want from me? Biography? War stories? Hair tips? 87 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:32,710 - They don't want hair tips. - They haven't seen my hair. 88 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:35,960 They want to know what you're doing to fight for women and justice. 89 00:04:36,380 --> 00:04:37,170 Blimey. 90 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,080 - I'll send you the details. - Bye. 91 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:43,870 - Ah! Here he is. - Hi. 92 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:45,840 Oh, they grow up so fast. 93 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:50,440 Sorry. 94 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:54,070 So, you've had your difficulties. 95 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:55,870 We've muddled through. 96 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:59,310 But now you are on your feet, and you will be deeply, deeply alone 97 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:01,390 until the day you die in your wig. 98 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,870 Thank you, that's a great pep talk. 99 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:05,470 You'll make mistakes. 100 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:07,350 Don't admit to them. 101 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:08,590 Hide your weakness. 102 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:09,870 Bury your feelings. 103 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:12,550 Stay clear in your mind and cold in your heart. 104 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,400 And most importantly, tell no-one it's your first case. 105 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,640 No, I think that's all. 106 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:23,640 Make me proud. 107 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,070 He's a bit antsy. 108 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:36,150 Hasn't had any smack since he pleaded two days ago. 109 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:38,990 Doctor's meant to have brought some methadone, but, well... 110 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:40,480 Sure. 111 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,800 Cheers, thank you. 112 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:50,950 - Hey, Gavin. - Hey, mate. 113 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,350 You OK? 114 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,950 I'm great, mate. I'm great. 115 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,070 W-W-W-Would you mind just moving that way a little? 116 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,070 - Come over this way? - Yeah. 117 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:00,990 A bit further. 118 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:03,030 Yeah. Keep going. 119 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:04,910 M-M-M-More to the side of the room. 120 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,190 - Is it all right if we...? - Dude, would you move?! 121 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:09,670 - All right, mate. It's OK. - I'm sorry, that was rude of me. 122 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,030 Just please get back. 123 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:14,310 - Here? - Turn round. Just turn. 124 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:15,480 Yeah. 125 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,790 - M-More to the left. - Gavin, I'm right in the corner. 126 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:22,550 Please, mate, I'm pleading with you here. We're going to tip over. 127 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:26,750 - There's too much weight on this side. - Gavin, YOU'RE on that side. 128 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,840 Yeah, but if I move, the snakes will get me. 129 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:33,030 OK, Gavin, listen to me. 130 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:34,590 You are hallucinating. 131 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:36,990 It's OK, but we need to talk about your case. 132 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:39,630 - What are you doing? - It's OK, work with me. - Get back in the corner. 133 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:43,710 - No, I'm going to come round there, you're going to take your seat, and... - Get back in the fucking 134 00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:46,350 - corner! - Relax. Let's get rid of these snakes. 135 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:47,750 Don't need these. 136 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,550 Off they go. 137 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:51,310 Don't need those. 138 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,150 Give me your hand. I'm on your side. Take my hand. 139 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,080 - You're mad! - No, no, no, no, no! 140 00:06:58,560 --> 00:06:59,990 Erm... 141 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,440 Guard? 142 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:05,760 Guard? 143 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:08,390 Gavin? 144 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,630 I remember Gavin. 145 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,830 I was his probation officer first time he came out of prison. 146 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,630 That was just for a bit of house theft, but he really got into drugs 147 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:19,670 while he was inside. Got the impression it really changed him. 148 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:20,870 Yeah. 149 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,550 I was thinking maybe he could have a rehabilitation order? 150 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,150 Gavin? Nah. 151 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,670 It's his eighth offence, love. What's the point? 152 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:31,350 Maybe that is the point, that it's his eighth offence. 153 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:35,110 He's just cracked a hole in his skull. The guy needs our help. 154 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:36,600 Is this your first time? 155 00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:39,150 No! 156 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:42,160 Really? Cos you talk like it is. 157 00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:46,600 They'll soon knock that out of you. 158 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:51,480 - If I fill... OK. - Ain't happening. 159 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:14,910 Fiona! 160 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,030 Ashley, listen, I've got to be quick. 161 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,800 I've heard a strong rumour from the QC applications board. 162 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,040 Yeah. Hm! Yeah. 163 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:29,120 OK. Thanks. Thank you. Bye. 164 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:34,960 Fuck! 165 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:40,720 Fuck it! 166 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:49,790 There he is! The boy has become a man. 167 00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:52,640 Come in, let me look at you, see if you're any different. 168 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:56,990 Ah, I can't make anything out. 169 00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:59,870 I didn't appear. The guy head-butted his cell wall. 170 00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:01,950 Oh, really? Druggie, was it? 171 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:05,050 Yeah. Cracked his head open. There was blood all over the floor. 172 00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:06,790 You tell it well. 173 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:10,070 Sit down. I'm having a bit of trouble with this seminar. 174 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,550 Fiona's sent me a list of questions. 175 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,590 Ask me any one. 176 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,350 Go. 177 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:17,840 Erm, OK. 178 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,230 Why do you like your job? 179 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:24,230 Why do I like my job? Why do I LIKE...? 180 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:26,750 God, that's a toughie, isn't it? 181 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,550 What should I say? 182 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,110 I dunno. Can't you just make up some crap about baking, 183 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:34,710 - like you normally do? - What's wrong with you, Pissy Elliott? 184 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:37,790 Nothing, just the usual, just a client who's in pain 185 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:41,470 and everyone too jaded to give a crap and me trying to get on with my 186 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,950 job like it's normal. But it's not normal, is it? 187 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,590 It's uncaring and it's impersonal, and I guess it's starting 188 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,150 - to get to me. - Oh, it's good you got a tough one. Hardens you. 189 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:50,520 Makes you a killer. 190 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,950 - Like you. - Yes, like me. 191 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,270 Why do I LIKE my job? God, 192 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,510 I haven't been this stumped since couples therapy. 193 00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:01,470 Caroline, I don't want to be like you. 194 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:03,670 What? 195 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:06,870 I'm sorry, I mean, no offence, but you're kind of awful. 196 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:11,230 You've got no friends. You're constantly working without any sense of purpose. You can't even answer 197 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:14,510 a simple primary school career day question like, "Why do you like your job?" 198 00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:16,470 You've been doing this for 16 years. 199 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,830 You're about to apply to be a QC for the third time in a row. 200 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:21,190 That's an outrageous accusation. You take that back. 201 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,230 Why is that the thing that bothers you? 202 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:26,070 I've just told you that someone's cracked their skull open. 203 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:27,430 In case you haven't noticed, 204 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,510 Will, what we do is down in the gutter, and things are grey. 205 00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:31,990 Grey like Lincolnshire. 206 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:35,230 Grey like Christian Grey fucking the dog from the artist in Grey Gardens 207 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:37,030 - in the grey light of dawn. - Oh, fuck's sake. 208 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,150 I have a lot of respect for you, Caroline. 209 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:41,550 I really do, but if I turn out like this, 210 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,520 I'm going to consider it a catastrophic fucking failure. 211 00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:59,430 Tommo! Big Tom! Howdy. 212 00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:02,800 Yeah, no, good, thanks. Work has been absolutely mad, yeah. 213 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:07,960 So, listen, quick question, do you still live in that place in Dalston? 214 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:10,840 You've moved? 215 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:15,240 To Riga. Wow! That's big. 216 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:18,230 Yeah, no, I just wanted to ask, 217 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:20,280 do you and Joy still have that spare room? 218 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:27,750 Oh, I see, right, yeah, she's already spoken to... Nessa. 219 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,870 Hey, Danielle. It's Will. Just trying to get hold of you. 220 00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:35,480 Give me a call back when you get this. All right, cheers, bye. 221 00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:53,240 - Hiya. Can I get a pint of lager, please? - Sure. 222 00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:56,560 Liam? 223 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:00,430 Will... 224 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:01,760 Hey there. 225 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:04,670 Just having a celebratory drink. 226 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:07,470 - On your own? - Sure. 227 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:11,470 Cos I was so awesome today that telling anyone else would seem arrogant. 228 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:13,560 That's the last thing I would want. 229 00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:15,590 Sure. 230 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,480 - There you go. - Thank you. 231 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:23,030 Liam, I'm sorry to ask, but you don't happen to have a spare room I 232 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:25,710 - could borrow for the night, do you? - Sure. 233 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:27,390 I've got five. 234 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:29,110 Thanks, Liam. 235 00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:31,390 I mean, it's my parents' house, 236 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:33,760 so, technically, WE'VE got five. 237 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:36,880 THEY'VE got five. 238 00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:39,640 Liam! Will! 239 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:43,070 Been in the Coach & Horses. Popped in for a nightcap. 240 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:45,400 You want to talk? 241 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:49,200 You look like you might want to talk. 242 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,910 Not even sure how I ended up doing crime. 243 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,510 Started off doing commercial stuff. Wasn't my thing. 244 00:12:57,560 --> 00:13:01,350 Always been more street-smart than book-smart. You've probably noticed. 245 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:02,790 - Sure. - God, yeah. 246 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:08,390 Ugh! I'm waffling on. You two have... 247 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:11,800 .. much bigger matters on your minds, as well. 248 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:15,350 - You're on your feet. - Yeah. Brilliant. Crushed it. 249 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,070 And you've broken up with your girlfriend and are homeless. 250 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:20,560 Yep, that's... my achievement. 251 00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:23,960 I froze today... 252 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,120 - .. in court. - What? 253 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:35,360 I couldn't shake the thought there is a man's liberty depending on me. 254 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,150 Me. 255 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,760 Just... some faintly educated guy... 256 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,190 .. standing there in a suit 257 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:47,160 and a 14-year-old's pants. 258 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:51,070 I should just give it all up. 259 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:52,990 I'm a failure. 260 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,430 Liam, you're not a failure. 261 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:59,270 OK, cards on the table. Do you guys think I'm a good barrister? 262 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:00,760 Hmm? 263 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,720 Do you think I'll ever be a QC? 264 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,160 Er... 265 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:11,120 We don't really see you in court that much, Ashley, so... 266 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:14,520 No. Of course not. 267 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,280 You know who would know? 268 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:19,960 Danielle! 269 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:23,190 Danielle! 270 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:26,790 She lives here? She's supposed to be poor. 271 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:29,110 - Danielle! I'm out with the laddos. - Ashley... 272 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:32,110 - Ashley, I think you need to quieten down a bit. - Danielle! 273 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:33,910 - Liam... - Look, Ashley, Ashley, Ashley. 274 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:37,590 You've got to shout it in a burst, like this. Danielle! 275 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:40,310 - You're just shouting at a building. - Danielle! - Danielle! 276 00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:42,910 - Danielle! - Danielle! - It sounds like you're saying Daniel now. 277 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:44,430 - Danielle! - Danielle! 278 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:47,440 Hey, pissheads! Shut up! What are you doing here? 279 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:14,390 The Sisters of Our Lady 280 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:17,990 of Prompt Succour, Kensington branch, offering bed and board for 281 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:20,830 £500 a month, within walking distance of Chambers. 282 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:22,510 They have some weird rules, 283 00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:25,280 but I know a flipping good deal when I see one. 284 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,440 So, Liam told me you split up with Nessa. 285 00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:32,680 Yep. 286 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,670 Because I cheated on her with the juror. 287 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:39,710 Oh. I thought that was just, like, a one-time-kiss thing. 288 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:41,160 No. 289 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:43,520 And then... 290 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,200 .. I sort of gaslit Nessa a bit, I think. 291 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:49,750 How much gaslight? 292 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:55,190 We talking Victorian parlour or late Georgian crescent? 293 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:58,280 I guess the former, but still bad. 294 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,030 So, yeah, I sort of fucked everything up, I think. 295 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,790 You're on your feet today. You need to perk up. 296 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,440 Yes... 297 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:12,070 - How did yours go? - Total trip. 298 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:15,190 Everyone looking at you. Cleverest kid in the room. 299 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,590 Felt awesome. 300 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:19,480 That's good, man. 301 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:25,440 I'm not sure I deserve to feel awesome, but hey. 302 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:31,390 Madam, my client admits to his crimes, 303 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:33,310 but in mitigation, he had a lot on at work 304 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:37,230 and they'd been going out for, what, like, five years? 305 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:40,350 - Five-and-a-half. - Heck of a long time. 306 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,110 He's already served six days' 307 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:44,670 custody under the pupil's room table. Now, 308 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:48,990 for sentence, I suggest a lifetime's community service 309 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,920 being a passably good barrister. 310 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,470 Passably good? You reckon? 311 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:57,920 Sure. 312 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,600 If you can clamber your way out your own arsehole. 313 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:06,200 Thanks, mate. 314 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:09,120 Very wise. 315 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:13,710 So, how are you going to repay me? 316 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:17,070 Well, here's a little sweetener for starters. 317 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:20,630 Liam completely froze in court. He utterly shat the bed. 318 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:22,320 Oh, that will do. 319 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,910 That'll do. 320 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:52,120 - Did he get his methadone? - Just last night. 321 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,550 I could try and wake him. 322 00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:58,920 Never mind. It's fine. 323 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,710 - We can do better. - What? 324 00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:10,630 We can do better. We've put this guy in prison, we've let him out, 325 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:14,430 and every single time, he starts using again. Over and over and over. 326 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,510 Yeah. So kind of a hopeless case, innit? 327 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:19,670 Except we've never actually tried the rehabilitation order, have we? 328 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,550 - Look, Lorelei. Lorelie, sorry. - "Lorelay." 329 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,110 "Lorelay." What did we get into this game for? 330 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,830 Just sending people into prison willy-nilly? I don't think so. 331 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,670 Was that your big plan when you got into probation all those years ago? 332 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,910 Six years ago. I retrained from parking services, so... 333 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:36,430 Well, my point is that I know you are not just a drone. 334 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:37,630 I know you're a human being, 335 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:39,910 and I know you can feel it when injustice is happening. 336 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,310 I know that you believe in giving people second chances. 337 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:45,430 And I know that you're going to give me that rehabilitation order. 338 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:47,400 Yeah, you got that wrong. 339 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,430 I am just a drone. 340 00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,680 And I don't give a pair of shits about what happens to your client. 341 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,910 But sometimes, someone is so annoying it's easier to give in, 342 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:02,550 so... congratulations, you just reached that level of annoying. 343 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,750 - I'm doing it. - You're doing it? - I'm doing it. - Thank you. 344 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,470 Thank you. Thank you. 345 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,350 - What's the surname? - The surname is Packham. 346 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,030 Will Packham. And I'm going to be annoying you a lot more in the 347 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:15,950 - future, so get used to it. - Gavin's surname. 348 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,840 Gavin's surname is Porter. Gavin Porter. 349 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:24,750 - I'm really sorry about throwing that down. I didn't mean to do it as hard as that. - It's quite all right. 350 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,600 - You go get 'em, Packham. - I really appreciate it. Thank you. 351 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:51,080 Gavin? I'm going to get you a result. 352 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,200 Court rise. 353 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:11,080 Next... Mr Porter. 354 00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:13,670 Yes, madam, I am Will Packham, 355 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:16,110 - representing Mr Porter. - Great. 356 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:19,230 So, Mr Porter is here for sentencing. 357 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:23,350 - Anything aggravating? - Some elements of public menace. - Sure, sure. 358 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,110 But I see that the probation service 359 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:28,310 has recommended some sort of rehabilitation requirement. 360 00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,070 That's correct, madam. 361 00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:31,630 Recently obtained. 362 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,030 Five years ago, 363 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:37,150 my client became addicted to drugs while inside prison, 364 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,500 and he has been imprisoned by drugs ever since. 365 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,590 He's been back behind bars a further four times, 366 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:47,040 and not once has he been given the chance to recover. 367 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:51,070 Something needs to change. Gavin... 368 00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:52,840 .. has had a difficult life... 369 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:56,150 .. and he's committed a crime. 370 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:59,070 And as such, he deserves to be punished, but he also deserves some 371 00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:02,190 hope, a chance to leave the drugs behind. 372 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:05,630 - S-S-Sorry... - Gavin... - .. what do I deserve again? - It's OK. 373 00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:10,310 Shhh. I've gotcha. Please forgive my client, madam, he's in withdrawal. 374 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:13,070 The thinking is a few hundred hours of community service 375 00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:14,470 alongside the requirement. 376 00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:15,910 A few hundred hours?! 377 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,510 Nah, I don't want to do a few hundred hours. It's boring. 378 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:21,190 - Gavin, shhh. - Yeah, well, you try doing it. 379 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:25,150 It's, like, painting and shit and gardening. No, I ain't got time for that. Come on. 380 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:29,510 Mr Packham, does your client really have the will to kick the drugs? 381 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:33,110 - Kick the drugs?! No. No, I won't. - Gavin, come on, mate. 382 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:37,590 - You're looking at two months inside at this rate. - Two months, yeah? Is that all? Yeah, well, two months in 383 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:39,840 prison then back to the lovely drugs, please! 384 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:44,630 He didn't mean that, madam. He's probably a little bit high still. 385 00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:48,910 Mr Packham, did your client not ask you to seek a rehabilitation order? 386 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,630 No. No, no. I never asked. 387 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:54,230 - I actually said I didn't want it. - You didn't say that. 388 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:57,110 He didn't say that, madam. He was saying some things about snakes, 389 00:21:57,160 --> 00:22:01,230 - but he didn't say that he didn't want... - Right, listen, I said I didn't want it. I said... 390 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:03,630 Please, don't put me in drug camp. 391 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:07,240 You have no need to worry, Mr Porter. Take a seat. 392 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,750 Mr Packham, this is really quite serious. 393 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:15,310 You are acting against the explicit wishes of your client. 394 00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:18,030 Your High... Not Your Highness. Your Honour, 395 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,070 or, er, madam is what I mean. 396 00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:21,440 Erm... 397 00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:25,310 I think this is probably just some kind of misunderstanding. 398 00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:26,630 Your client's instructions 399 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:30,390 are not meant to be misunderstood. This is your first case, isn't it? 400 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,070 No, madam, it isn't my first case. 401 00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:34,430 Mr Packham, we all know it's your first case. 402 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:37,520 Your head clerk texted me to watch out for you. 403 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:40,790 - You're lying to the bench. - Sorry, no. 404 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:43,630 It is my first case. Sorry, I just had a... erm, 405 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:46,230 er, my brain farted. 406 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:48,680 You realise that this is contempt of court. 407 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:52,350 - Er, sort of. - I could have you put in the cells. 408 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:55,030 Yes, you could, er, but you're not going to do that. 409 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:56,550 Are you? 410 00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:59,550 No. You're right, it's too much. 411 00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,990 - Go on, send him down. - Yeah, go on, do it! 412 00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:04,280 "Kill him"! 413 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,470 Ah, what the hell. Take him down. 414 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,670 - What? - 20 minutes. - You can't do that. 415 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,150 This is my court, I can do what the hell I want. 416 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,440 Well, if you can't do the time, you know... 417 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,680 - Are we really doing this? - Yeah. In you go. 418 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:27,120 OK. 419 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:36,630 Welcome, everyone, and thank you, Caroline, for joining us. 420 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:40,110 So, what would you say to those who claim that even with recent 421 00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:43,550 legislation, the protection given to child witnesses is not enough? 422 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,190 OK, well, this is 423 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:47,000 a very serious matter. 424 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:50,390 These days, when kids are put on the stand, 425 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:53,150 you're very limited in what you can ask them. 426 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:56,830 I mean, my nephew can't keep his story straight when he's nicked a biscuit. 427 00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:00,430 Yeah. Exactly. 428 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:03,030 So imagine that when they're explaining how Daddy hit Mummy. 429 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,680 They crumple like a wet sponge. 430 00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:17,710 Is it different for women at the Bar? 431 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,510 Yes, yes, it is. 432 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:22,910 Actually, when I was younger, 433 00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:25,440 a judge tried it on with me in his rooms. 434 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:30,310 Very much rejected, and the silly man is very ashamed, 435 00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:31,990 so let's just say when I'm in his 436 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,960 - court now, things do tend to go my way. - Erm, right. 437 00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:38,880 Let's move on, shall we? 438 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,470 Any questions from the audience? 439 00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:54,960 What do you like about being a barrister? 440 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:57,510 Well, I like winning. 441 00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:00,830 Really? After 15 years, 442 00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:03,270 surely there's something bigger. 443 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:04,800 Bigger? 444 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:08,960 Yes, of course. Erm... 445 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:17,320 Well, what I like about law is... 446 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:24,350 Well, the law is like, erm... 447 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,400 The law is... 448 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:31,190 .. like... 449 00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:32,440 .. like gluten. 450 00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:35,320 You know gluten? 451 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:39,270 It's the protein that binds bread and pastry together. 452 00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:45,080 It's not very pleasant on its own, kind of warty and... elastic. 453 00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:48,630 But once you have gluten, 454 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,390 you can inflate it with yeast, 455 00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:52,790 you can suppress it with fat. 456 00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:56,390 The eggs can mingle with the sugar or the almonds 457 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:58,830 or the bloody courgette, if you like, 458 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:01,980 and you can be pretty sure that everything will hold together. 459 00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:05,950 And I think I quite like being part 460 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,790 of that kind of structure. 461 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:11,550 What we do can be ugly, but it is needed 462 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:14,870 in a way that only grey and unpleasant things are. 463 00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:17,310 And just like gluten has its detractors, 464 00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:20,310 some people are allergic to it, and some people pretend to be allergic, 465 00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:22,270 and they're the worse kind of people around, 466 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:24,190 but when you do without it... 467 00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:27,240 .. things just taste shit. 468 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:34,990 Well, thank you very much, Caroline. That was, er, illuminating. 469 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:04,510 - Well, look who it is. - Hiya. Enjoyed the speech. 470 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,270 Yeah, well, you've got to make some bollocks up, haven't you? 471 00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:08,360 Yeah. 472 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,920 - What are you doing? - Ah! 473 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:15,190 - You've been blooded. - Oh, right. 474 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:16,830 I was a bit concerned last night. 475 00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:18,030 Yeah, sorry about that. 476 00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:20,350 It's all right, but a mother worries. 477 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,110 Sure. 478 00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:24,830 So, do you need somewhere to stay? I've got a spare room. 479 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:27,470 Ah, that would be amazing. Thank you. 480 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:29,870 My back's starting to spasm from sleeping on the floor! 481 00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:32,000 - Well, take my bag anyway. - Yeah. 482 00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:37,670 Just got a big juicy murder through, actually. 483 00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:39,750 Probably get you a junior brief, if you fancy it. 484 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:41,790 God, yeah, that would be amazing. Thank you. 485 00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:45,550 - Yeah, well, I need someone I can stand. - Sure. 486 00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,030 Nice here, isn't it? 487 00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:50,670 Have you been here before, the "South Bank"? 488 00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:54,030 - Yeah. Why are you saying it like that? - Like what? 489 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:57,390 - Like you've never heard of it. - South Bank. How do you say it? 490 00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:00,190 - It's the "Southbank". - That's what I said.