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00:00:04,833 --> 00:00:06,492
I'm Derek Noakes.
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00:00:06,498 --> 00:00:10,498
I work here at Broadhill nursing
home for the elderly, care home.
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00:00:14,538 --> 00:00:17,137
'I loves it here. It's brilliant.
4
00:00:17,138 --> 00:00:20,977
'All my favouritest people are here.
5
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'My best friend is Dougie, right?
And I also lives with him.
6
00:00:26,336 --> 00:00:27,614
'He's the caretaker here.'
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- You didn't hear me coming.
- No.
8
00:00:29,470 --> 00:00:30,829
I love wrestling.
9
00:00:30,830 --> 00:00:33,309
- But he's got to be careful,
cos I sneaks up, don't I?
- Yeah.
10
00:00:33,310 --> 00:00:36,349
'And Kev is my other friend as well.
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00:00:36,350 --> 00:00:39,350
'He sometimes
stays on the floor at Dougie's.
12
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'He doesn't work here.
He doesn't work.
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'He doesn't do anything.'
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He's always talking about...
his penis and testicles, isn't he?
15
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That's all he's got.
16
00:00:50,732 --> 00:00:53,972
And he doesn't even want his,
he doesn't care about his, do you?
17
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I'd get rid of it tomorrow.
18
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And best of all is Hannah.
19
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She's the manager here, and she's
the nicest person in the world.
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She cares for everyone.
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'Everyone gets on here.
22
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'Well, Dougie and Kev
are always arguing,
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'but they likes that.
24
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'It's funny.'
25
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What are you looking at?
26
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I knows.
27
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What?
28
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Hair.
29
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I don't understand it, mate.
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He says it's the worstest haircut
he's seen on planet Earth.
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Don't worry about it, anyway.
It's nature.
32
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It's not nature, mate.
33
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It is nature. It is nature.
34
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That's exactly what it is.
This bit fucked off.
35
00:01:40,731 --> 00:01:42,932
That bit stayed.
Don't worry about it.
36
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It's not your problem.
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I've got so many best friends.
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I'm the luckiest man in the world.
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Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
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Did I say my name, Derek Noakes?
41
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Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
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- Hi.
- Hey.
43
00:01:56,892 --> 00:01:57,931
You all right?
44
00:01:57,932 --> 00:01:59,691
Yeah. You all right?
45
00:01:59,791 --> 00:02:01,190
Yeah.
46
00:02:01,191 --> 00:02:05,191
Hannah's new boyfriend, Tom.
47
00:02:05,231 --> 00:02:09,231
He's a nice guy.
We've been out for a drink.
48
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That's it.
49
00:02:14,791 --> 00:02:16,269
Tom, you know your ship?
50
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:18,829
- Yeah.
- Could it beat a whale? Is it big enough?
51
00:02:18,830 --> 00:02:20,669
- Well, what in a fight?
- Yeah, if it was like...
52
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- If they bumped into each other?
- Yeah. Yeah.
53
00:02:22,390 --> 00:02:23,669
I think we'd still survive.
54
00:02:23,670 --> 00:02:26,509
What's that thing the whale does
when it jumps up and splatters it?
55
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- With the tail flick?
- Yeah.
56
00:02:28,230 --> 00:02:29,229
What, you think,
could it do that to...
57
00:02:29,230 --> 00:02:30,989
Knock it over?
What about five whales?
58
00:02:30,990 --> 00:02:32,589
If they were working together
as a team?
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00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:34,019
- As a gang.
- As a gang.
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00:02:34,026 --> 00:02:35,945
If they were coordinated?
Five at once.
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00:02:35,946 --> 00:02:38,345
If a rhino was as big as a whale,
could it beat a whale?
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00:02:38,346 --> 00:02:40,265
Cos that's like the most powerful,
isn't it?
63
00:02:40,266 --> 00:02:41,945
I think a rhino's smaller
than a whale.
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00:02:41,946 --> 00:02:44,385
Yeah, I know, but if it was
the same size, would it be...
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00:02:44,386 --> 00:02:45,827
Yeah, yeah, charging at it.
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00:02:45,828 --> 00:02:46,546
Yeah.
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00:02:46,547 --> 00:02:48,346
And then... you know.
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00:02:48,424 --> 00:02:49,624
You doing Hannah, mate?
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00:02:49,625 --> 00:02:50,823
What?
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00:02:50,824 --> 00:02:53,942
You doing Hannah?
I'll take that as a yes, mate.
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00:02:53,943 --> 00:02:56,664
A good call, wise choice.
She doesn't put it about, so...
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00:02:56,665 --> 00:02:57,703
No?
73
00:02:57,704 --> 00:02:59,622
Nah... She's not pregnant either.
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00:02:59,623 --> 00:03:01,302
I doubt there's any venereal disease
75
00:03:01,303 --> 00:03:03,902
sort of banging around
in her basement, so...
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00:03:03,903 --> 00:03:06,262
If I'm being honest with you, mate,
I'd happily do her,
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even if she was pregnant
with venereal disease.
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00:03:08,343 --> 00:03:10,622
- That's very sweet of you.
- Beggars can't be choosers, mate.
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00:03:10,623 --> 00:03:13,222
- These lot aren't bothering you, are they?
- No, no, no.
80
00:03:13,223 --> 00:03:17,142
Derek's just been asking me every
possible outcome of animals fighting
81
00:03:17,143 --> 00:03:20,462
and Don Juan here has just told me
you're not pregnant or diseased.
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00:03:20,463 --> 00:03:22,984
But don't worry, even if you were,
he still would.
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00:03:22,985 --> 00:03:26,984
Still would.
84
00:03:43,904 --> 00:03:46,902
The people from the council
are coming in today,
85
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so I'm running around trying to
make sure everything's in order.
86
00:03:50,623 --> 00:03:52,984
Trying to stay one step
ahead of the game.
87
00:03:53,201 --> 00:03:57,239
Let's move these. Mick, no money.
88
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Have now.
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00:03:58,407 --> 00:04:00,945
No, you can't gamble for money.
The council are here.
90
00:04:00,993 --> 00:04:02,032
This has got to go.
91
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,992
Lesley, this has got to move,
and this hoover, please.
92
00:04:04,993 --> 00:04:07,754
That's my favourite thing in here.
Apart from the people.
93
00:04:07,755 --> 00:04:09,553
Fred the frog.
94
00:04:09,554 --> 00:04:12,032
Where's Dougie?
That shouldn't be here.
95
00:04:12,033 --> 00:04:13,152
Lesley, help me out.
96
00:04:13,153 --> 00:04:15,352
You can't leave a hoover
in the middle of the floor.
97
00:04:15,353 --> 00:04:16,072
Henry hoover.
98
00:04:16,073 --> 00:04:18,432
Yeah, Derek, can you pick that up
for me, please?
99
00:04:18,433 --> 00:04:20,332
Come on, Theresa, help me out. OK?
100
00:04:20,411 --> 00:04:21,452
This area is fine.
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00:04:21,453 --> 00:04:22,731
This is Dougie's.
102
00:04:22,732 --> 00:04:25,931
Lizzie, have you got your teeth in?
OK.
103
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:28,212
Lizzie, can you just do
a general check round for me?
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00:04:28,213 --> 00:04:30,931
Thank you. Dougie!
105
00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:33,374
- If you'd like to take a seat.
- Right, thank you.
106
00:04:33,375 --> 00:04:35,373
'I dread these council visits.
107
00:04:35,374 --> 00:04:38,173
'I don't know what
they want to see me about.
108
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'It's probably to introduce
another bit of red tape
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'to make my job even harder.
110
00:04:43,041 --> 00:04:44,600
'They don't care.'
111
00:04:44,601 --> 00:04:48,601
They just have to make sure
that their costs come in on budget.
112
00:04:48,841 --> 00:04:50,519
It's not good news, Hannah.
113
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:52,599
You see,
in the budgets for the year,
114
00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:56,601
obviously, we have to prioritise,
and because this isn't a big home,
115
00:04:58,361 --> 00:05:02,361
we thought it would be easiest
to re-home the 20 or so residents...
116
00:05:03,521 --> 00:05:05,760
- 22.
- 22.
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00:05:05,761 --> 00:05:09,519
22 residents into a few of the bigger
facilities in and around the area.
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00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,039
I'm not re-homing them.
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00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:14,919
Well, I can understand your
reluctance, but without funding,
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00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:18,039
it would be a struggle
to run the home efficiently.
121
00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:20,799
Well, it's a struggle to run it
efficiently with the funding.
122
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:22,681
Well, exactly. I do understand.
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Do you?
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00:05:25,561 --> 00:05:28,039
Well, fine. Well, we'll fund
the place ourselves.
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00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:30,759
Yeah, well, no,
it's not quite that easy.
126
00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:33,039
You see, you still have to show
that you can provide
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00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:34,439
all the necessary standards.
128
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You can't just let people live here
and fend for themselves.
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00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,359
Sorry?
Who do you think you're talking to?
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Why would I let people
fend for themselves?
131
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No, no, Hannah, all I'm saying
132
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is that at the moment,
we're assessing the situation.
133
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If we think this can be funded
despite the cuts,
134
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:51,839
we might be able
to save the place.
135
00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:54,719
'I've never understood budgets
when it comes to things like this.'
136
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,119
It costs what it costs.
137
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,879
If it costs more than some person
in a suit thought it would,
138
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:02,161
it doesn't mean we're overspending,
it means your stupid guess was wrong.
139
00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:06,000
50% of your total costs
are on staff.
140
00:06:06,001 --> 00:06:07,721
Could we streamline there?
141
00:06:07,722 --> 00:06:10,640
What does streamline mean?
142
00:06:10,641 --> 00:06:13,640
Oh, just trim away the fat,
that's all.
143
00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:17,201
They're snooping around now,
trying to find ways to cut corners.
144
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Good luck!
145
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Oh, shit? Kev.
146
00:06:23,281 --> 00:06:25,839
You've got to get rid of Kev.
Council are here.
147
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:27,639
Get rid of him for about an hour.
148
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,321
Why an hour?
He shouldn't be here full stop.
149
00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:33,321
Just get rid of him.
150
00:06:33,361 --> 00:06:36,599
He's harmless enough, you know,
but Derek has taken a shine to him,
151
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,121
so... if he wasn't here,
he'd be dead in a skip.
152
00:06:39,122 --> 00:06:42,120
Bullshit, mate. It is bullshit.
153
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I had to touch him.
154
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Well done.
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He fucking stinks.
156
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Where's Kev?
157
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He's outside, airing.
158
00:06:55,911 --> 00:06:56,670
What?
159
00:06:56,671 --> 00:07:00,070
I've put him outside to air.
He stinks.
160
00:07:00,071 --> 00:07:01,750
Dougie. Councilman.
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This is the dining area.
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I'm off. I'll see you later, Derek.
See you later on.
163
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Douglas... Dougie.
This is Roger and this is...?
164
00:07:12,458 --> 00:07:13,437
Karen.
165
00:07:13,489 --> 00:07:15,793
- Karen. This is Douglas.
- Douglas.
166
00:07:15,811 --> 00:07:18,410
He's our caretaker and handyman,
167
00:07:18,457 --> 00:07:21,015
and jack of all trades, really,
aren't you?
168
00:07:21,016 --> 00:07:23,337
You're responsible for everything,
are you?
169
00:07:23,338 --> 00:07:25,056
Yeah, pretty much, yeah.
170
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Right.
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00:07:31,444 --> 00:07:32,803
I'll get on.
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00:07:32,804 --> 00:07:36,203
Oh, see you, then.
173
00:07:36,204 --> 00:07:39,523
And this is the, er... telly area.
174
00:07:39,524 --> 00:07:40,363
Yes.
175
00:07:40,364 --> 00:07:41,724
And a few of our residents.
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Hi.
177
00:07:42,644 --> 00:07:44,103
Hello. Hello.
178
00:07:44,178 --> 00:07:45,297
This is Derek.
179
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:49,298
Yeah, Derek.
Lizzie, Sheila, Edna, Pam.
180
00:07:49,378 --> 00:07:51,417
Precious. What's your name?
181
00:07:51,418 --> 00:07:53,058
I'm Roger, and this is Karen.
182
00:07:53,059 --> 00:07:56,457
Roger, Karen, Roger, Karen...
Roger.
183
00:07:56,458 --> 00:07:57,977
Roger that.
184
00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,537
Very good.
185
00:07:59,538 --> 00:08:01,538
- Maybe we could all have a chat...
- Yeah, we'll have a chat, shall we?
186
00:08:01,539 --> 00:08:03,017
Later.
187
00:08:03,018 --> 00:08:04,296
- Shall I show you the bedrooms?
- Would be good, yes.
188
00:08:04,297 --> 00:08:05,896
OK, they're just through here.
189
00:08:05,897 --> 00:08:06,978
- See you in a bit.
- Bye, bye.
190
00:08:06,979 --> 00:08:08,377
Bye.
191
00:08:08,378 --> 00:08:10,296
You're general fix-it man, are you?
192
00:08:10,297 --> 00:08:14,136
Yeah, if it's broke, they call me,
yeah, they call for Dougie.
193
00:08:14,137 --> 00:08:16,416
What sort of training do you have,
Dougie?
194
00:08:16,417 --> 00:08:20,298
They just want to talk to the staff
one on one, ask a few questions.
195
00:08:20,299 --> 00:08:23,657
They're just chatting to Dougie now
so...
196
00:08:23,658 --> 00:08:25,856
All I want to do
is find out a few simple things
197
00:08:25,857 --> 00:08:27,736
about what it is you actually do.
198
00:08:27,737 --> 00:08:29,096
I've told you, I do everything.
199
00:08:29,097 --> 00:08:30,518
I've got a broken cup
that needs fixing.
200
00:08:30,587 --> 00:08:31,305
I can see.
201
00:08:31,306 --> 00:08:34,104
I've got a meerkat here, a solar
powered meerkat from the garden.
202
00:08:34,105 --> 00:08:36,906
It's knackered, I'll fix that.
I fixed the toaster this morning.
203
00:08:36,907 --> 00:08:37,605
Right...
204
00:08:37,606 --> 00:08:39,264
Pop back next week,
all this will be sorted
205
00:08:39,265 --> 00:08:41,424
and I'll have another pile of shit
to fix!
206
00:08:41,425 --> 00:08:42,984
I don't know what you want from me.
207
00:08:42,985 --> 00:08:46,184
I'm a little bit worried
about the electrics thing, Dougie.
208
00:08:46,185 --> 00:08:47,944
If you don't have any training...
209
00:08:47,945 --> 00:08:49,424
It's not that hard, Roger.
210
00:08:49,425 --> 00:08:53,146
- Really?
- Yeah. It's not that hard.
It's three wires, innit?
211
00:08:53,147 --> 00:08:54,065
Well...
212
00:08:54,066 --> 00:08:56,265
Brown, blue and sort of earth.
213
00:08:56,266 --> 00:08:58,304
Put them in the right ones,
you're away.
214
00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:00,624
You're making it seem
like it's a massive drama.
215
00:09:00,625 --> 00:09:02,424
We're talking about a toaster.
216
00:09:02,425 --> 00:09:04,864
It was just a loose wire.
I fixed it.
217
00:09:04,865 --> 00:09:07,984
They've got toast again.
I don't know what the form is.
218
00:09:07,985 --> 00:09:09,344
I just see you ticking boxes.
219
00:09:09,345 --> 00:09:11,384
You don't have to know
what the form is.
220
00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:13,786
It's just a few notes about
what it is you do, who you are,
221
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:15,185
how you fit in here.
222
00:09:15,186 --> 00:09:16,944
Yeah, I fit in. I do fit in.
223
00:09:16,945 --> 00:09:20,666
Well, I can see that.
I can see you do a lot around here.
224
00:09:20,667 --> 00:09:23,305
Everything. I do everything.
225
00:09:23,306 --> 00:09:25,086
I think we've got
pretty much all we want.
226
00:09:25,149 --> 00:09:25,947
Good.
227
00:09:25,948 --> 00:09:29,947
Right.
228
00:09:29,948 --> 00:09:31,586
They're treating me like a twat,
229
00:09:31,587 --> 00:09:33,906
coming in here,
looking at what I'm doing.
230
00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:36,506
They're looking for problems.
The moment he walked in here,
231
00:09:36,507 --> 00:09:38,588
he didn't want to hear
good news from me.
232
00:09:38,589 --> 00:09:40,009
He's looking for problems.
233
00:09:43,908 --> 00:09:47,908
'I reckon it causes more problems,
them coming around.
234
00:09:49,508 --> 00:09:52,946
You know, the old ones, they find it
stressful with some stranger
235
00:09:52,947 --> 00:09:56,948
coming around with a suit on,
eyeing everybody up and down.
236
00:09:57,028 --> 00:09:58,946
They don't think of that, though,
do they?
237
00:09:58,947 --> 00:10:01,466
No, nothing's going to change at all,
OK?
238
00:10:01,467 --> 00:10:03,426
It's fine.
I won't let anything happen.
239
00:10:03,427 --> 00:10:06,546
- They wouldn't move us...
- No. Absolutely not.
240
00:10:06,547 --> 00:10:09,868
They don't want to go anywhere else.
Why would they?
241
00:10:09,869 --> 00:10:12,787
It's great here, innit?
They love it.
242
00:10:12,788 --> 00:10:16,547
Everyone gets on.
We're like one big family.
243
00:10:16,548 --> 00:10:20,548
'And then they come in,
messing it up.
244
00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:24,226
'The thing is, they want to find
problems so they can close us down.
245
00:10:24,227 --> 00:10:26,468
'Waste the money on something else.'
246
00:10:26,469 --> 00:10:28,627
- A cup of tea?
- Yes.
247
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,107
Right, then.
248
00:10:30,108 --> 00:10:33,386
Got to find the word, wordsearch.
It's bands? Chico she's found.
249
00:10:33,636 --> 00:10:35,197
- Coolio we need to find next...
- Derek?
250
00:10:35,198 --> 00:10:36,156
What?
251
00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:38,115
Can you get those tadpoles
out of the sink, put 'em in the pond?
252
00:10:38,116 --> 00:10:39,355
No. Fish will eat them.
253
00:10:39,426 --> 00:10:40,227
Can you just do it?
254
00:10:40,228 --> 00:10:43,426
No, because thousands would be dead.
255
00:10:43,427 --> 00:10:46,746
Murderer... Mass murderer.
256
00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:50,466
Tadpole Hitler.
257
00:10:50,467 --> 00:10:52,245
I'd quite like to have a look
at the lunches.
258
00:10:52,321 --> 00:10:53,420
Can you supply something for us?
259
00:10:53,443 --> 00:10:55,962
Yeah. Absolutely. We've got
all the menus and everything.
260
00:10:55,963 --> 00:10:58,282
We try and keep a nice variety
for them.
261
00:10:58,283 --> 00:10:59,564
And it's nutritious?
262
00:10:59,565 --> 00:11:03,564
Of course. Absolutely.
263
00:11:06,884 --> 00:11:09,043
It's not wee. Tadpoles.
264
00:11:09,044 --> 00:11:12,482
Hannah said put 'em in the pond
while you're sneaking round.
265
00:11:12,483 --> 00:11:14,362
I'm not going to put them
in the pond.
266
00:11:14,363 --> 00:11:16,882
I'll just leave them outside,
and I'll put 'em in the bath,
267
00:11:16,883 --> 00:11:19,122
back in the bathroom when he goes.
268
00:11:19,123 --> 00:11:22,362
OK. Putting the tadpoles outside
until he goes.
269
00:11:22,363 --> 00:11:24,524
And then going to put 'em
back in the bath.
270
00:11:24,525 --> 00:11:27,603
Look, one's starting
to get his legs.
271
00:11:28,251 --> 00:11:28,930
Oh.
272
00:11:28,949 --> 00:11:30,068
He's a froglet.
273
00:11:30,069 --> 00:11:31,908
Yes, yes.
274
00:11:31,909 --> 00:11:33,428
Are those carers?
275
00:11:33,429 --> 00:11:36,549
They're volunteers.
Well, two of them are volunteers.
276
00:11:36,550 --> 00:11:38,868
One of them is on community service.
277
00:11:38,963 --> 00:11:40,002
Really?
278
00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:42,721
I thought you couldn't work here
if you had a criminal record.
279
00:11:42,722 --> 00:11:44,363
Well, it's never anything bad.
280
00:11:44,364 --> 00:11:48,363
You know, and we can do
with all the help we can get.
281
00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:53,562
This is Theresa and Lesley and Mick.
282
00:11:53,563 --> 00:11:55,683
Mick's the one
doing community service.
283
00:11:55,684 --> 00:11:59,482
Yeah.
284
00:11:59,483 --> 00:12:01,803
Just doing a few days with us,
aren't you, Mick?
285
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:05,042
So what did you do
to land yourself in here?
286
00:12:05,043 --> 00:12:07,041
Threw something
in my neighbour's skip.
287
00:12:07,042 --> 00:12:08,561
See, it's never anything that bad.
288
00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:11,243
What, and he called the police?
What did you throw in there?
289
00:12:11,244 --> 00:12:15,243
His wife,
she was doing my fucking head in.
290
00:12:16,163 --> 00:12:18,962
This is Jack. Arthur.
291
00:12:18,963 --> 00:12:21,442
This is the low-dependency corridor.
292
00:12:21,443 --> 00:12:25,443
People come and go as they please,
you know?
293
00:12:26,803 --> 00:12:28,082
Hi, Annie.
294
00:12:28,083 --> 00:12:29,522
Oh, hi.
295
00:12:29,523 --> 00:12:31,122
You all right?
296
00:12:31,123 --> 00:12:32,442
He needed a kip.
297
00:12:32,443 --> 00:12:34,281
Yeah, just had a kip.
You weren't bothered, were you?
298
00:12:34,282 --> 00:12:35,681
No, it didn't bother me.
299
00:12:35,682 --> 00:12:37,243
No, it didn't bother her,
so I just...
300
00:12:37,244 --> 00:12:39,442
Get the fuck out.
301
00:12:39,443 --> 00:12:41,722
Bloody hell, charming, innit?
302
00:12:41,723 --> 00:12:45,723
God! Just hold on...
303
00:12:50,043 --> 00:12:54,043
I was worried about, you know, little
things like a cable across something
304
00:12:55,763 --> 00:12:57,603
or a wobbly chair
or something like that.
305
00:12:57,604 --> 00:13:01,603
I didn't expect them
to see Kev's bollocks.
306
00:13:02,123 --> 00:13:03,719
None of us did.
307
00:13:05,063 --> 00:13:07,681
Once the council have been...
They've been snooping round,
308
00:13:07,701 --> 00:13:09,940
they'll get rid of us two
straight away,
309
00:13:09,941 --> 00:13:12,980
we're not needed. Get all the old
people out. No.
310
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:13,992
That's what will happen.
311
00:13:14,030 --> 00:13:16,069
I understand we can save the house
by raising money ourselves.
312
00:13:16,153 --> 00:13:16,992
Jumble sales...
313
00:13:16,993 --> 00:13:18,392
It's a nice idea, Derek.
314
00:13:18,393 --> 00:13:20,994
- We can save the place can't, we?
- Yeah. Next stop is a petition.
315
00:13:20,995 --> 00:13:22,153
Petition?
316
00:13:22,154 --> 00:13:24,352
Enough signatures, you can hand it in
officially.
317
00:13:24,353 --> 00:13:25,472
He does signatures!
318
00:13:25,473 --> 00:13:26,512
Best in the business.
319
00:13:26,513 --> 00:13:27,592
He's got 35,000.
320
00:13:27,593 --> 00:13:29,592
And he's wasted an entire life
getting them.
321
00:13:29,593 --> 00:13:30,752
Yeah. How many do we need?
322
00:13:30,753 --> 00:13:33,034
Well 100,000 and you can hand
it in to parliament.
323
00:13:33,035 --> 00:13:34,313
100,000?
324
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:37,354
Yeah, but I was just speaking to
Linda Garvey over at Parkview.
325
00:13:37,355 --> 00:13:38,433
Alzheimer's.
326
00:13:38,434 --> 00:13:41,312
Yeah, they got saved from closure
with 5,000 signatures
327
00:13:41,313 --> 00:13:43,032
so in that case, you know,
it worked.
328
00:13:43,033 --> 00:13:44,192
I mean it could all come up again.
329
00:13:44,193 --> 00:13:45,512
Let's get signatures, then.
330
00:13:45,513 --> 00:13:47,192
Yeah, go down Hampstead High Street.
331
00:13:47,193 --> 00:13:50,654
People love to get involved, don't
they? Bored housewives.
332
00:13:50,722 --> 00:13:52,000
How bored?
333
00:13:52,001 --> 00:13:53,040
What?
334
00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:56,199
These housewives, how bored are
they? They bored sexually?
335
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,039
Are they choosy?
They want a bit of twinage?
336
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:00,279
A bit of piston thrusting?
337
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,479
Have you forgot the reason we're
going down there?
338
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,641
No, I haven't, mate. But I just want
a bit of pudding.
339
00:14:04,642 --> 00:14:05,480
Pudding?
340
00:14:05,481 --> 00:14:07,200
Yeah, sex pudding.
341
00:14:07,201 --> 00:14:11,201
That's great!
342
00:14:12,121 --> 00:14:13,799
Where do they want to move us,
anyway?
343
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:16,201
I don't know all the ins and outs.
It doesn't make sense.
344
00:14:16,202 --> 00:14:19,040
Just someone who's
a bit of a jobsworth.
345
00:14:19,041 --> 00:14:22,120
Want to change things that aren't
broken.
346
00:14:22,121 --> 00:14:24,680
Interfering.
347
00:14:24,681 --> 00:14:26,361
The world's full of them.
348
00:14:26,362 --> 00:14:29,800
This is Dougie's job, I work in
the centre.
349
00:14:29,801 --> 00:14:31,861
Kev doesn't... hasn't got a job,
have you? Have you, Kev?
350
00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:33,177
No.
351
00:14:33,178 --> 00:14:35,538
He claims... what, do you claim
benefit? Yeah.
352
00:14:35,539 --> 00:14:38,657
- What do you claim it for?
- Everything.
353
00:14:38,658 --> 00:14:41,058
What have you ever put into the
system?
354
00:14:41,059 --> 00:14:44,777
I spread a lot of seed around.
355
00:14:44,778 --> 00:14:46,376
It's just constantly on his mind.
356
00:14:46,377 --> 00:14:50,378
Yeah. Kev said you are one of the
ugliest people he's ever met
357
00:14:51,218 --> 00:14:54,657
because of your hair. Didn't you,
Kev? Yeah.
358
00:14:54,658 --> 00:14:55,536
I'm not bothered.
359
00:14:55,537 --> 00:14:57,218
Do something to it. Hairspray it.
360
00:14:57,219 --> 00:15:00,577
There's no point. I know it looks
stupid.
361
00:15:00,578 --> 00:15:02,376
People yell stuff at me
all the time.
362
00:15:02,377 --> 00:15:05,658
The other day someone shouted,
"There's an egg with sideburns!"
363
00:15:05,659 --> 00:15:07,737
Water off a duck's back.
364
00:15:07,738 --> 00:15:11,738
As long as it's annoying you,
I'm going to leave it.
365
00:15:12,658 --> 00:15:15,218
Why does Hampstead
sound like "hamster"?
366
00:15:15,219 --> 00:15:17,857
Why has hamster got "ham" in it?
367
00:15:17,858 --> 00:15:21,137
Why isn't a pig called a hamster?
Hamster.
368
00:15:21,138 --> 00:15:22,896
Derek, watch what you're doing!
Just...
369
00:15:22,897 --> 00:15:24,616
Kevin, will you keep your
eye on him?!
370
00:15:24,617 --> 00:15:26,656
All right! It's not my job, is it?
371
00:15:26,657 --> 00:15:27,938
I knows what I'm doing.
372
00:15:27,939 --> 00:15:31,938
Holding on to a 50-year-old bloke,
it's weird.
373
00:15:34,378 --> 00:15:38,378
Excuse me, will you save Broad Hill?
374
00:15:38,578 --> 00:15:40,097
She'll sign it. Hello.
375
00:15:40,098 --> 00:15:41,698
All right, love? Let's break the
ice.
376
00:15:41,699 --> 00:15:44,417
How do you get a nun pregnant?
377
00:15:44,418 --> 00:15:48,418
Dress her up as a choir boy!
378
00:15:48,458 --> 00:15:51,177
She didn't sign it either.
379
00:15:51,178 --> 00:15:53,296
They haven't got a clue have, they?
380
00:15:53,297 --> 00:15:55,376
I don't know how many
signatures they've had.
381
00:15:55,377 --> 00:15:58,136
Is it going to make any
difference, really?
382
00:15:58,137 --> 00:16:00,258
Are we really going to save
the home by them two?
383
00:16:00,259 --> 00:16:04,258
Look at 'em. The saviours
of Broad Hill Nursing Home!
384
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,577
What a mess!
385
00:16:06,578 --> 00:16:09,376
Excuse me, do you live around here?
Sorry.
386
00:16:09,377 --> 00:16:12,938
Do you live around here? Yeah.
Can I use your toilet?
387
00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:14,457
Sorry.
388
00:16:14,458 --> 00:16:16,697
'Desperation, isn't it?
389
00:16:16,698 --> 00:16:20,218
'Well, you can see that as soon as
Kev goes towards someone, look,'
390
00:16:20,219 --> 00:16:23,137
just avoiding him.
I don't blame 'em.
391
00:16:23,138 --> 00:16:25,536
You all right? How you doing?
Very nice.
392
00:16:25,537 --> 00:16:28,216
Is that your mum? Yeah?
I'm going to cut to the chase,
393
00:16:28,217 --> 00:16:31,016
I've got absolutely no chance with
you unless you're, you know,
394
00:16:31,017 --> 00:16:33,176
a prostitute or smackhead or
something.
395
00:16:33,177 --> 00:16:35,538
In fact, I think I do stand a chance
with you, especially
396
00:16:35,539 --> 00:16:39,538
if I can you a little pissed up
and teary.
397
00:16:40,218 --> 00:16:41,896
You're meant to be getting
signatures
398
00:16:41,897 --> 00:16:44,296
to save the old people's home.
You're chatting up women.
399
00:16:44,297 --> 00:16:45,736
Stay away from the women. Never!
400
00:16:45,737 --> 00:16:47,696
Joanna Lumley wasn't all over
the Gurkhas!
401
00:16:47,697 --> 00:16:51,698
I wouldn't mind Joanna Lumley all
over my fucking Gurkhas!
402
00:16:51,858 --> 00:16:55,377
Absolutely Fabulous, she was.
403
00:16:55,378 --> 00:16:56,817
Pointless!
404
00:16:56,818 --> 00:16:59,216
Try and not worry about it, you know?
405
00:16:59,217 --> 00:17:01,776
I'll keep talking to 'em. They said
we could fund ourselves,
406
00:17:01,777 --> 00:17:03,536
so we're always
fundraising, aren't we,
407
00:17:03,537 --> 00:17:07,538
so it's not a problem. And me and
Marge could always go on the game.
408
00:17:09,098 --> 00:17:11,778
The money I'd get wouldn't keep us
in biscuits!
409
00:17:15,698 --> 00:17:17,378
It's Meadway, Meadway Animal Centre.
410
00:17:17,379 --> 00:17:19,937
Excellent. My best day.
411
00:17:19,938 --> 00:17:22,256
Oh, it's Meadway. They bring a few
pooches and moggies
412
00:17:22,257 --> 00:17:24,776
for the residents to have a cuddle
with.
413
00:17:24,777 --> 00:17:26,696
They're the local pet rescue centre.
414
00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:30,456
They get a bit of grant money for
pet therapy so it's lovely, isn't it?
415
00:17:30,457 --> 00:17:32,096
Yeah. Yeah, we always enjoy it
416
00:17:32,097 --> 00:17:34,176
and they bring the older,
more docile
417
00:17:34,177 --> 00:17:37,296
animals in for them and the pets get
smothered with attention
418
00:17:37,297 --> 00:17:40,336
and the old folks get a furry
companion for the afternoon.
419
00:17:40,337 --> 00:17:44,338
The problem is these, lot never
want to let them go, so...
420
00:17:48,978 --> 00:17:51,896
I loves all animals, but Ivor's
probably my favourite
421
00:17:51,897 --> 00:17:54,936
because he's always keen and he
likes that ball, right,
422
00:17:54,937 --> 00:17:57,816
and he brings it back. And he's got
a tail like a sausage.
423
00:17:57,817 --> 00:17:59,538
He thinks it's a big tail, but
it's not.
424
00:17:59,539 --> 00:18:03,538
It's just like that, like a little
sausage, innit?
425
00:18:04,298 --> 00:18:07,938
Look at his face, look at his face.
Look at how he loves that ball.
426
00:18:07,939 --> 00:18:10,737
It's the best thing what he's
ever seen.
427
00:18:10,738 --> 00:18:13,737
Oops! Did you see that?
428
00:18:13,738 --> 00:18:15,258
Hello, Ivor! Come here.
429
00:18:15,259 --> 00:18:17,657
Hello, Ivor!
430
00:18:17,658 --> 00:18:20,336
Why does he fight to get the ball
and then he brings it back?
431
00:18:20,337 --> 00:18:22,416
Why doesn't he just keep the ball?
432
00:18:22,417 --> 00:18:24,656
Because they likes chasing
things, don't they?
433
00:18:24,657 --> 00:18:28,616
A dog is the most enthusia...
Enthusiastic, is that a word?
434
00:18:28,617 --> 00:18:30,936
The most enthusiastic
thing on the planet.
435
00:18:30,937 --> 00:18:33,018
It just goes... if you go, "Do you
want to do this?"
436
00:18:33,019 --> 00:18:37,018
It goes, "Definitely.
That's my best thing."
437
00:18:38,138 --> 00:18:42,017
See that? He caught it.
And he brings it back. Magical.
438
00:18:42,018 --> 00:18:44,657
Best thing in the world, animals.
439
00:18:44,658 --> 00:18:47,256
'I wish they could keep
the animals for longer because
440
00:18:47,257 --> 00:18:50,216
'it's so good for the residents,
particularly when they've had all
441
00:18:50,217 --> 00:18:53,216
'the stress they've had with worrying
about the future of the home.
442
00:18:53,217 --> 00:18:55,978
'I might ask if they can leave them
here tonight.'
443
00:18:55,979 --> 00:18:57,217
Excuse me?
444
00:18:57,218 --> 00:18:59,736
Do you think it would be possible
to leave the animals here
445
00:18:59,737 --> 00:19:00,936
and pick them up tomorrow?
446
00:19:00,937 --> 00:19:02,776
They can't be left unattended. Oh.
447
00:19:02,777 --> 00:19:06,138
Someone would have to stay up
with them all night.
448
00:19:06,139 --> 00:19:10,138
Right. OK. OK.
449
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:14,016
We'll get through it.
450
00:19:14,017 --> 00:19:15,778
We'll just do what we have to do.
451
00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:19,778
You have to, don't you?
452
00:19:20,658 --> 00:19:24,658
90% of care home residents die within
six months of being re-homed, so...
453
00:19:25,018 --> 00:19:26,858
I'm not going to let that happen.
454
00:19:26,859 --> 00:19:28,697
This is their home.
455
00:19:28,698 --> 00:19:32,058
They've got every right to stay
here till the end.
456
00:19:32,059 --> 00:19:36,058
Not a lot to ask, is it?
457
00:19:43,338 --> 00:19:46,056
'People think care means three
meals a day and a bed.
458
00:19:46,057 --> 00:19:47,418
'But it means caring.
459
00:19:47,419 --> 00:19:51,418
'And if you don't care,
you shouldn't be in the job.
460
00:19:51,658 --> 00:19:54,736
'They deserve all the same
pleasures as anyone else.
461
00:19:54,737 --> 00:19:58,738
'Just because they're old and poor
and weak, they're forgotten.'
462
00:20:06,858 --> 00:20:08,617
Hello.
463
00:20:08,618 --> 00:20:12,618
Look, since we last spoke I've had
a look at the figures,
464
00:20:12,778 --> 00:20:16,778
and it probably comes as no surprise
to say that we won't be able to fund
465
00:20:16,938 --> 00:20:20,938
this building in the light of the
current economic situation.
466
00:20:21,458 --> 00:20:24,496
OK. Well, that's fine. We'll fund
ourselves. Thank you.
467
00:20:24,497 --> 00:20:25,778
Well, not quite that simple.
468
00:20:25,779 --> 00:20:29,017
You see, I've still got
a couple of qualms.
469
00:20:29,018 --> 00:20:31,817
Derek. Um...
470
00:20:31,818 --> 00:20:35,818
What exactly is his situation?
He's, uh... he's different.
471
00:20:36,658 --> 00:20:38,617
Yeah, he's different, yeah.
472
00:20:38,618 --> 00:20:40,776
I mean, he's the most popular,
kindest, best worker
473
00:20:40,777 --> 00:20:43,098
anyone here has ever met
so he is different, yeah.
474
00:20:43,099 --> 00:20:47,098
That's not what I meant.
I mean, is he, uh...
475
00:20:47,418 --> 00:20:49,737
Is he handicapped?
476
00:20:49,738 --> 00:20:51,698
Yeah, he's too nice for his own good.
477
00:20:51,699 --> 00:20:54,377
No, I meant could he be autistic?
478
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:56,416
But what if the chimp had a gun,
then the bear...
479
00:20:56,417 --> 00:20:58,096
Where's a chimp going to get a gun
from?
480
00:20:58,097 --> 00:21:00,336
I don't know, a policeman who
wasn't concentrating?
481
00:21:00,337 --> 00:21:02,696
Derek. What? Can I have a word?
Yeah.
482
00:21:02,697 --> 00:21:04,538
Have you ever been
tested for autism?
483
00:21:04,539 --> 00:21:06,857
I'm no good at tests.
484
00:21:06,858 --> 00:21:09,697
What?
485
00:21:09,698 --> 00:21:11,777
Would you mind seeing someone?
486
00:21:11,778 --> 00:21:12,817
Who?
487
00:21:12,818 --> 00:21:14,058
Well, an expert and a doctor.
488
00:21:14,059 --> 00:21:16,337
You don't have to.
489
00:21:16,338 --> 00:21:19,097
If I am tistic... what is it?
Autistic.
490
00:21:19,098 --> 00:21:20,177
Au...? Tistic.
491
00:21:20,178 --> 00:21:23,057
That's what I said. Tistic.
492
00:21:23,058 --> 00:21:25,697
If I am tistic, will I die?
493
00:21:25,698 --> 00:21:28,577
No. No, no. But at least we'd know.
494
00:21:28,578 --> 00:21:31,176
Would I have to go into hospital
and do experiments on me? No!
495
00:21:31,177 --> 00:21:34,778
So would it change me in any way?
Would I be the same person?
496
00:21:34,779 --> 00:21:37,177
Yes.
497
00:21:37,178 --> 00:21:41,178
Don't worry about it, then.
498
00:21:41,618 --> 00:21:43,536
I think we've covered everything,
Roger?
499
00:21:43,537 --> 00:21:46,016
I think we have. I think
everything's done now, Roger.
500
00:21:46,017 --> 00:21:48,336
I think you've got everything,
ticked enough boxes?
501
00:21:48,337 --> 00:21:50,896
I think you've pissed everybody off
since you've been here,
502
00:21:50,897 --> 00:21:52,296
so you could shoot off now.
503
00:21:52,297 --> 00:21:54,736
You got anything else to do whilst
you're here?
504
00:21:54,737 --> 00:21:56,416
I'll just let you know, for your
form,
505
00:21:56,417 --> 00:21:58,776
that toaster, I've given it a go,
nothing wrong with it.
506
00:21:58,777 --> 00:22:00,576
I had lovely toast. No danger, no
one died.
507
00:22:00,577 --> 00:22:03,136
All right... You can shoot
off now, you don't know anything.
508
00:22:03,137 --> 00:22:05,576
You don't know that she did 68 hours
last week.
509
00:22:05,577 --> 00:22:09,056
She's not meant to. She's meant to
do 40. She did 68, and why is that?
510
00:22:09,057 --> 00:22:10,496
Because of people like you. Go.
511
00:22:10,497 --> 00:22:12,336
You've got nothing to do here.
512
00:22:12,337 --> 00:22:14,656
In fact you've probably got more to
do back at the office
513
00:22:14,657 --> 00:22:16,176
sorting out your expenses.
514
00:22:16,177 --> 00:22:18,856
Your little fish pie you have
at business lunches and all that.
515
00:22:18,857 --> 00:22:20,496
Get back and sort all that out!
516
00:22:20,497 --> 00:22:22,858
You know I've caught you out,
you're walking away again.
517
00:22:22,859 --> 00:22:26,417
I've caught you out, you knobhead.
518
00:22:26,418 --> 00:22:27,417
Dougie...
519
00:22:27,418 --> 00:22:28,736
Yeah, I know I'm fired, yeah.
520
00:22:28,737 --> 00:22:30,458
No. Do you want a cup of tea?
521
00:22:33,778 --> 00:22:37,217
A cup of tea? Love a cup of tea,
yeah.
522
00:22:37,218 --> 00:22:41,218
Well, I'll bring it down to you.
523
00:22:44,881 --> 00:23:19,253
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