1 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:44,639 This programme contains very strong language. 2 00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:04,200 I've had a brilliant idea, ain't I? 3 00:00:04,201 --> 00:00:05,239 He has, yeah. 4 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:09,080 Going to sell autographs and put the money towards funding the home. 5 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:15,878 'Yeah, I don't get it, collecting autographs, 6 00:00:15,879 --> 00:00:17,480 'but they seem to enjoy it. 7 00:00:17,481 --> 00:00:21,560 'And if some good can come out of it, then yeah, why not?' 8 00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:24,920 Andrew Lloyd Webber. 9 00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:31,559 We're from Broad Hill nursing home and we're going to sell... 10 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:33,399 We're autograph hunters. 11 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:36,118 - You want to sell your autographs? - We want to sell autographs, yeah. 12 00:00:36,119 --> 00:00:38,718 So I just need some money for the old people. 13 00:00:38,719 --> 00:00:39,720 Sit tight, mate. 14 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:44,639 OK, show me what you've managed to get there. 15 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:46,838 I forget who that is. I can't remember. 16 00:00:46,839 --> 00:00:49,000 You've got to know who it is, that's the thing. 17 00:00:49,001 --> 00:00:50,279 Kerry Katona! 18 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:53,559 Why is it..? What's that yellow stuff? 19 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:54,638 It's carrot, mate. 20 00:00:54,639 --> 00:00:55,758 She was being sick. 21 00:00:55,759 --> 00:00:57,398 Oh. That affects the value. 22 00:00:57,399 --> 00:00:58,838 Is it less valuable with sick? 23 00:00:58,839 --> 00:01:00,000 Yeah! Remember that? 24 00:01:00,001 --> 00:01:01,279 Porkpie, innit? 25 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,559 Porkpie off Desmond's. 26 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:06,118 But that's not the actor. That's not his name. 27 00:01:06,119 --> 00:01:08,198 I didn't know his name, so I said "Do Porkpie, 28 00:01:08,199 --> 00:01:10,278 "so I know who it is." How much for Porkpie? 29 00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:12,560 Er, well, less than an actual pork pie. 30 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:18,640 What would be good for you is to try and target, like, film people, 31 00:01:18,641 --> 00:01:19,919 musicians, 32 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:23,558 and maybe if you get them to sign a photo or some of the memorabilia 33 00:01:23,559 --> 00:01:24,918 from their film or something. 34 00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,998 You can't give me any money for these then? 35 00:01:26,999 --> 00:01:28,038 I don't think so, no. 36 00:01:28,039 --> 00:01:28,998 Out the way, mate. 37 00:01:28,999 --> 00:01:30,198 Sorry, but good luck. 38 00:01:30,199 --> 00:01:33,600 New kid in town. All right? Welcome to the big league. Bang. 39 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:36,639 Bang. 40 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:37,839 OK. 41 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,598 That's me with Baby Spice. That's me with Dermot O'Leary. 42 00:01:40,599 --> 00:01:42,240 That's me with Lesley Joseph. 43 00:01:42,241 --> 00:01:42,759 Yeah... 44 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:44,198 That's me with Clare Balding. 45 00:01:44,199 --> 00:01:45,918 You don't have to say, "That's me." 46 00:01:45,919 --> 00:01:47,718 I'm getting the idea that that's you. 47 00:01:47,719 --> 00:01:49,040 Have you got any you're not in? 48 00:01:49,041 --> 00:01:50,279 No, not in this. 49 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:51,679 No? 50 00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:53,398 It is less valuable with you... 51 00:01:53,399 --> 00:01:54,038 It's what? 52 00:01:54,039 --> 00:01:57,558 It's less valuable to have yourself in the middle of the... 53 00:01:57,559 --> 00:01:58,838 If you look round here 54 00:01:58,839 --> 00:02:02,038 you'll see that most of these pictures don't have you in. 55 00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:03,278 He has got a point, Kev. 56 00:02:03,279 --> 00:02:03,918 None of them. 57 00:02:03,919 --> 00:02:04,838 None of them, yeah. 58 00:02:04,839 --> 00:02:06,118 All right. Katie Holmes. 59 00:02:06,119 --> 00:02:07,200 Back of a pub menu. 60 00:02:07,201 --> 00:02:09,639 Katie Holmes? Yeah. 61 00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:11,479 In a Harvester? 62 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:13,640 Katie Holmes in a Harvester? Was she? 63 00:02:13,641 --> 00:02:15,319 Yeah. 64 00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:16,600 What did she order? 65 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:19,200 Butternut squash. 66 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:24,598 It's not on here. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think it's her. 67 00:02:24,599 --> 00:02:26,278 Well, the name's there, Katie Holmes. 68 00:02:26,279 --> 00:02:30,200 Someone's name's there, yeah. She would have put "Katie", rather than just "Kate". 69 00:02:30,201 --> 00:02:32,919 Right, then. Uncle Ben. 70 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,998 What do you...? He's not real, is he? 71 00:02:34,999 --> 00:02:36,558 You mean the guy that makes the rice? 72 00:02:36,559 --> 00:02:38,558 He is real, mate! That's his signature, mate. 73 00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:41,398 I can see you've got a signature. Did you meet him? 74 00:02:41,399 --> 00:02:43,480 Did you meet him at a premiere or something? 75 00:02:43,481 --> 00:02:44,479 No. 76 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:46,278 So how...? How did you get this? 77 00:02:46,279 --> 00:02:47,998 I wrote to the rice company. 78 00:02:47,999 --> 00:02:50,760 That's just someone... Like a PR from the rice company, isn't it? 79 00:02:50,761 --> 00:02:52,199 Is it? Yeah. 80 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:53,919 He's not real. 81 00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:56,279 He wouldn't sign this "Uncle Ben". 82 00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:59,440 Well, then, you won't be interested in Mr Sheen. 83 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,880 Right, come on. Call it a day. 84 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,479 Thank you. 85 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:09,758 'Well, honestly, what a waste of time that was, wasn't it? 86 00:03:09,759 --> 00:03:11,118 'I mean, embarrassing. 87 00:03:11,119 --> 00:03:14,998 'Just more bullshit from Kev, and Derek looks up to him. It annoys me. 88 00:03:14,999 --> 00:03:17,478 'I know their heart's in the right place, but honestly. 89 00:03:17,479 --> 00:03:20,840 'It's like knocking about with Dumb and Dumber sometimes.' 90 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,758 Agh! Derek, for God's sake, mate! 91 00:03:25,059 --> 00:03:26,059 - What? - Derek! 92 00:03:26,060 --> 00:03:28,520 - What? - You're breaking my arm, mate. 93 00:03:28,521 --> 00:03:30,759 I cannot breathe. I can't breathe. 94 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:32,280 I'm good at wrestling, ain't I? 95 00:03:32,281 --> 00:03:34,399 One of the best. 96 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,119 He's over-excited today. 97 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:37,480 Going on a day trip. 98 00:03:37,481 --> 00:03:38,839 Yeah, Dumpton Gap! 99 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,998 I've got my bloody head in your Dumpton Gap! 100 00:03:40,999 --> 00:03:44,200 He's strong, you see? He's stronger than he looks. 101 00:03:44,201 --> 00:03:48,039 He's strong sort of... I don't know, like an octopus. 102 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,039 A strong, huggy mollusc. 103 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,118 Are you actually trying to get out of it, Kev? 104 00:03:52,119 --> 00:03:56,320 No point. He can't move, cos I've got him locked between my thighs. 105 00:03:56,321 --> 00:04:00,160 He can't... He can't stop me. He can't defeat me. 106 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:04,398 So I got him a game of Twister. 107 00:04:04,399 --> 00:04:06,880 Just to make it seem a little bit more normal. 108 00:04:06,881 --> 00:04:10,679 Just in case the council popped in unannounced. 109 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,240 He doesn't play it. He doesn't get the mat out. 110 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:15,320 He just jumps on me. 111 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,320 Right, Derek, that's... That's... tight, that. 112 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,398 He can't breathe. Look, he's going red. 113 00:04:22,399 --> 00:04:24,038 You have to let him do it. 114 00:04:24,039 --> 00:04:27,720 Look. Look at the red. And it goes white for a little while. 115 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:32,239 I can't move. You can't keep doing this, Derek. 116 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:33,559 What? This. 117 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,920 This was never part of the job description for me. 118 00:04:35,921 --> 00:04:38,759 No-one ever warned me of this. 119 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:40,159 'I loves wrestling.' 120 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:43,999 I'm strong and grabby. I don't like real fighting. 121 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,639 In real fighting, 122 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:48,878 you fights people what you don't like, so you can hurt 'em. 123 00:04:48,879 --> 00:04:52,360 But in wrestling, I wrestles people what I do like. 124 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,199 It's like strong cuddling, really. 125 00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:59,038 Strong cuddling? Is that what he calls it? 126 00:04:59,039 --> 00:05:03,200 Honestly, there's times when I wish he didn't like me as much. 127 00:05:03,201 --> 00:05:06,119 His affection's going to kill me one day. 128 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,918 What a way to go that is! Having Derek on top of me. 129 00:05:08,919 --> 00:05:11,118 You see, the thing is, he weighs more than he looks. 130 00:05:11,119 --> 00:05:14,118 He weighs like a little... Well, not little, he's like a gorilla. 131 00:05:14,119 --> 00:05:15,760 Having a gorilla on top of you. 132 00:05:15,761 --> 00:05:17,559 Derek? 133 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,478 'Thing is, I try and get out of it and I can't cos he's strong, 134 00:05:20,479 --> 00:05:22,758 so I end up thinking, "I know, I'll play dead." 135 00:05:22,759 --> 00:05:24,160 It doesn't work, he nods off. 136 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,799 Is he asleep? 137 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,520 Derek? What? You nodded off. 138 00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:40,400 Have a brilliant time. Look after yourself. 139 00:05:40,401 --> 00:05:42,439 See you later. See you later. 140 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:45,038 Take lots of photos for me, won't you? 141 00:05:45,039 --> 00:05:45,798 Yeah, I will. 142 00:05:45,799 --> 00:05:47,560 See you later, bye. Have fun. 143 00:05:47,561 --> 00:05:49,959 You take care. See you. Bye. 144 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,039 Bye. Have a nice day. 145 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:53,679 Bye-bye. Bye-bye, Barry. 146 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:55,240 Thanks. 147 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:57,720 See you. Bye-bye. 148 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:00,960 Take care, precious. 149 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:04,960 Have fun. See you, then. 150 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:11,240 Would have been nice to go, but someone has to stay behind 151 00:06:11,241 --> 00:06:15,039 cos obviously some of the residents can't go. 152 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:16,840 Some of them don't want to go. 153 00:06:16,841 --> 00:06:18,279 So, um... 154 00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:21,398 And I've got a new resident moving in today, Mrs Shaw, 155 00:06:21,399 --> 00:06:23,718 so we have to be here to register her. 156 00:06:23,719 --> 00:06:25,440 So, er, I'd better crack on. 157 00:06:25,441 --> 00:06:28,720 Those urinals aren't going to clean themselves. 158 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,438 How long will it take to get there? 159 00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:47,598 A couple of hours. 160 00:06:47,599 --> 00:06:48,920 Is it faster than a train? 161 00:06:48,921 --> 00:06:50,039 Er... 162 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:52,799 Could you race a train if there...? 163 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:54,958 Can you just let me get out the car park? 164 00:06:54,959 --> 00:06:56,598 Yeah. Could you race a train? 165 00:06:56,599 --> 00:07:00,558 If there was a motorway, right, and there was a train track, 166 00:07:00,559 --> 00:07:04,080 what would win if they was both straight, both going the same place? 167 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:06,600 If it was a Lamborghini... 168 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,879 What would win between a unicorn and a gerbil? 169 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:13,318 It's stuff that wouldn't meet. 170 00:07:13,319 --> 00:07:15,800 If they did meet they wouldn't sort of have a disagreement. 171 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:21,198 The unicorn's got a horn, but if the gerbil bit it, it had AIDS - 172 00:07:21,199 --> 00:07:23,160 not AIDS, rabies - it would kill it. 173 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:27,439 What would win out of AIDS and rabies? 174 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,718 When are they having a race, Derek?! 175 00:07:29,719 --> 00:07:32,598 No, not in racing terms, like, fighting each other. 176 00:07:32,599 --> 00:07:37,078 Who would die first, AIDS versus rabies? If they met in the blood, 177 00:07:37,079 --> 00:07:39,118 who would win out of AIDS and...? 178 00:07:39,119 --> 00:07:42,480 Do you know what? It might be a different result every time. 179 00:07:42,481 --> 00:07:44,639 Could you give AIDS cancer? 180 00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:47,438 If a dog had got rabies, attacked a man with AIDS 181 00:07:47,439 --> 00:07:51,960 and the man bit him and the dog bit the man, would the dog get AIDS? 182 00:07:51,961 --> 00:07:55,039 It's not safe. You can't concentrate. 183 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:56,679 SIREN WAILS 184 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:57,560 Here you are! 185 00:07:57,561 --> 00:07:58,599 What's that? 186 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,278 What would win out of an ambulance and a police car... 187 00:08:01,279 --> 00:08:03,078 I can't concentrate. It's mental, this. 188 00:08:03,079 --> 00:08:04,278 ..and a fire engine? 189 00:08:04,279 --> 00:08:07,358 It's funny how you can get told off for being on a mobile whilst driving. 190 00:08:07,359 --> 00:08:10,078 Surely this has got to be dangerous, hasn't it? 191 00:08:10,079 --> 00:08:11,158 I ask questions... 192 00:08:11,159 --> 00:08:12,240 This is not safe. 193 00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:20,879 Hi! Hi. Hello. I'm Hannah. Hello, welcome to Broad Hill. 194 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:22,160 It's lovely to see you. 195 00:08:22,161 --> 00:08:23,519 Hannah? 196 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:26,719 Rebecca. Shaw. 197 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:29,879 Ohhh! Shaw, yes! 198 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:32,279 Oh, we... went to school together. 199 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,400 Well, till you left when you were about 15. 200 00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:38,559 16, yeah. 201 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:41,278 I stayed on till I was 18 cos I did loads of A-levels, 202 00:08:41,279 --> 00:08:43,520 but you didn't even do GCSEs, did you? 203 00:08:43,521 --> 00:08:45,640 No. 204 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:50,720 You... Do you need qualifications to work here? 205 00:08:50,721 --> 00:08:53,079 Yeah. 206 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:56,080 So you passed something, then. That's brilliant! 207 00:08:56,081 --> 00:08:57,079 Really proud. 208 00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:58,680 Yeah! 209 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:03,720 Shall we get a cup of tea? Shall we have a seat? 210 00:09:03,721 --> 00:09:07,919 Let me introduce you to... everyone that's here. 211 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:09,799 Er, this is Sheila. 212 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,999 And this is Lizzie. 213 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,520 And this is Prem. 214 00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:15,999 Derek? What? 215 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,719 A horse walks into a pub. 216 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:20,200 The barman says, "Why the long face?" 217 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:24,719 Cos he's a horse, innit? 218 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:26,920 No it's not because he's a horse. 219 00:09:26,921 --> 00:09:31,799 Forget it, mate. Here's a joke. Two Chinamen walk into a pub. 220 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,640 Barman says, "Why the same face?" 221 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:36,800 He's a racist. Yeah. 222 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:40,159 We need to stop. Why? 223 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,439 I need a piss. 224 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:43,440 He needs a piss. I needs a wee as well. 225 00:09:43,441 --> 00:09:45,279 Just hang on. 226 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:46,279 Go on, Kev. 227 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:47,280 All right, go on. 228 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:51,800 Don't be ages. 229 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:57,198 Kevin, what are you doing?! Why do you think I pulled over here? 230 00:09:57,199 --> 00:10:00,558 There's a load of bushes there. Go and have a piss over there! 231 00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:01,078 All right! 232 00:10:01,079 --> 00:10:02,200 Pissing on my wheel arch! 233 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:07,440 It's like Whipsnade, innit? Look at 'em! 234 00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:12,278 I hate this. I hate stopping, 235 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:13,838 cos everyone you've overtaken, 236 00:10:13,839 --> 00:10:16,240 they're going past me again and I'm losing time. 237 00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:18,640 Could've had a piss before we left. 238 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:24,560 It's another excuse for Kev, though, innit, to get his cock in his hand. 239 00:10:24,561 --> 00:10:25,999 What's that? Shush! 240 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:26,840 What is it? 241 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:33,760 Keep that to yourself. 242 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:45,838 You're quiet, Derek. 243 00:10:45,839 --> 00:10:48,158 I've just seen the worstest penis in the whole world. 244 00:10:48,159 --> 00:10:48,558 Snitch! 245 00:10:48,559 --> 00:10:50,198 I didn't say whose penis it was. 246 00:10:50,199 --> 00:10:51,438 It's obviously mine, 247 00:10:51,439 --> 00:10:54,160 cos it's the worstest penis in the whole world. 248 00:10:54,161 --> 00:10:55,960 All right, Pam? 249 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,160 I wondered why you weren't on Facebook. 250 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:19,360 'When am I going to go on Facebook? What would I put on there? 251 00:11:19,361 --> 00:11:21,160 ' "Changed a bedpan"?' 252 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,639 I've never been a go-getter. 253 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:28,360 Unless you count going to get prescriptions for this lot. 254 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:31,638 It's funny, you know, 255 00:11:31,639 --> 00:11:34,880 seeing Rebecca Shaw's made me feel a bit sorry for myself. 256 00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:39,560 With her five-bedroom house and her six-figure salary 257 00:11:39,561 --> 00:11:42,880 and her Prada bag and her Jimmy Choo shoes. 258 00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:47,080 Never heard her talk about any friends, though, did I? 259 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,479 Never talked about anyone but herself. 260 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,918 Joan used to say, "You make a living from what you get. 261 00:11:53,919 --> 00:11:55,920 "You make a life from what you give." 262 00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:00,240 Derek makes nothing and he gives everything. 263 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,198 And then I found myself thinking, 264 00:12:03,199 --> 00:12:05,800 "I can't wait for Derek and Dougie to get back." 265 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,079 Even Kev! 266 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:12,359 And that's not normal. 267 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:13,758 I wish Hannah was here, 268 00:12:13,759 --> 00:12:16,278 but she's got to stay back cos some people are a bit too weak 269 00:12:16,279 --> 00:12:18,198 to come, so she looks after them. 270 00:12:18,199 --> 00:12:20,838 I misses her, but she's looking after 'em 271 00:12:20,839 --> 00:12:22,840 and I'm looking after these lot. 272 00:12:22,841 --> 00:12:25,719 Everyone's had a nice day, probably. 273 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,199 Innit? 274 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,759 Yes, she's good as gold, Hannah. 275 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:32,118 The job's really important to her, know what I mean? 276 00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:35,078 She'd love to be coming out for a day trip today, 277 00:12:35,079 --> 00:12:36,718 but her duty comes first. 278 00:12:36,719 --> 00:12:40,278 There's people back at the home who needs looking after. 279 00:12:40,279 --> 00:12:41,480 And duty comes first. 280 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,079 'And you know, 281 00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:47,718 'I'm sure her life hasn't turned out exactly as she planned, 282 00:12:47,719 --> 00:12:50,560 'but that's because she always thinks of others before herself.' 283 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,999 ♪ When she was just a girl 284 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:59,639 ♪ She expected the world 285 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,639 ♪ But it flew away from her reach 286 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:06,119 ♪ And the bullets catch in her teeth 287 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:10,439 ♪ Life goes on, it gets so heavy 288 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,759 ♪ The wheel breaks the butterfly 289 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,719 ♪ Every tear a waterfall 290 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:22,839 ♪ In the night, the stormy night, She closed her eyes 291 00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:30,199 ♪ In the night, the stormy night Away she flies 292 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:33,919 ♪ I dream of para-para-paradise 293 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:41,199 ♪ Para-para-paradise 294 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:44,119 ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh 295 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:47,199 ♪ Dream of para-para-paradise 296 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:54,119 ♪ Para-para-paradise 297 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:58,479 ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh 298 00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:05,599 ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh 299 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:09,000 ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh... ♪ 300 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:15,480 It's all right, innit? 301 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:18,640 It's all you need, innit? 302 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,278 I don't know why people go abroad 303 00:14:22,279 --> 00:14:24,240 when they've got this on their doorstep. 304 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,320 But this is all I need, this. A bit of peace and quiet. 305 00:14:29,321 --> 00:14:30,959 Dougie? Dougie! 306 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,800 Douglas! 307 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,598 Peace and quite over with for the day. 308 00:14:36,599 --> 00:14:37,718 Dougie. What? What? 309 00:14:37,719 --> 00:14:40,040 Right, what would win if all the sea creatures got 310 00:14:40,041 --> 00:14:44,359 and foughted all the land creatures sort of on the beach here? 311 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:47,280 Some that can't swim could fight ones that can swim. 312 00:14:47,281 --> 00:14:49,799 Like a shark could fight a lion... 313 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,199 VOICE FADES 314 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:52,360 Got to get there first. 315 00:14:52,361 --> 00:14:53,519 Can you manage? 316 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,760 Jesus! You're heavier than you look! 317 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:01,158 You've missed it again. You've missed it. 318 00:15:01,159 --> 00:15:03,398 You've got to hit it this way, not that way. 319 00:15:03,399 --> 00:15:06,560 Cos you might as well not be sat there. It's coming round anyway. 320 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,320 No, you keep missing it. Hit it. 321 00:15:10,321 --> 00:15:11,839 There you are. 322 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,359 There y'are. You've missed it again. 323 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:18,159 Right, I'll hit it that way, you hit it this way. 324 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,079 Hit it now! 325 00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:21,359 Now! 326 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:22,599 Right. 327 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:23,600 Now. 328 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:26,960 Now! Bloody 'ell! 329 00:15:25,416 --> 00:15:26,256 Have you ever played polo? 330 00:15:26,257 --> 00:15:27,655 No. 331 00:15:27,656 --> 00:15:31,014 Oh, right, because I've got this polo pony, right. 332 00:15:31,015 --> 00:15:33,616 They're smaller than normal horses, OK, and they're called ponies. 333 00:15:33,617 --> 00:15:35,615 Do you know what a chukka is? 334 00:15:35,616 --> 00:15:37,176 No. It's sort of like a game. 335 00:15:37,177 --> 00:15:40,455 It's a sort of a game of polo, type thing... 336 00:15:40,456 --> 00:15:41,935 Hello! 337 00:15:41,936 --> 00:15:43,336 Do you want any help or... 338 00:15:43,337 --> 00:15:45,255 Yes, always. 339 00:15:45,256 --> 00:15:48,014 This is Mrs Shaw. She's a new resident coming in today 340 00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:50,256 and this is Rebecca, her daughter. 341 00:15:50,257 --> 00:15:53,055 This is Vicky. She's a volunteer. 342 00:15:53,056 --> 00:15:53,896 You don't get paid? 343 00:15:53,897 --> 00:15:55,655 No. 344 00:15:55,656 --> 00:15:58,694 Heart's not really going to be in it then, is it? 345 00:15:58,695 --> 00:16:01,576 Well, the shit either comes off the bog or it don't, to be honest. 346 00:16:03,736 --> 00:16:06,934 Actually, I find volunteers to be just as hard-working as paid staff. 347 00:16:06,935 --> 00:16:09,814 Yes, you wouldn't get me with my hands down a toilet for nothing. 348 00:16:09,815 --> 00:16:11,494 Bit of a mug's game, that. 349 00:16:11,495 --> 00:16:13,856 You'll have your head down one if you call me a mug again. 350 00:16:13,857 --> 00:16:18,935 Right, shall we get you started, Vicky? Let's... 351 00:16:18,936 --> 00:16:20,535 God. 352 00:16:20,536 --> 00:16:22,055 It's disgusting. 353 00:16:22,056 --> 00:16:24,334 Hannah is giving her a good talking-to. 354 00:16:24,335 --> 00:16:26,174 She won't last long if she's got any sense. 355 00:16:26,175 --> 00:16:28,934 Don't you dare put her head down the bog without getting me 356 00:16:28,935 --> 00:16:29,936 to help you first. 357 00:16:31,216 --> 00:16:36,575 ♪ I was lying on the grass on Sunday morning of last week 358 00:16:36,576 --> 00:16:40,216 ♪ Indulging in my self-defeat 359 00:16:41,656 --> 00:16:46,376 ♪ My mind was thugged, all laced and bugged, all twisted, wrong and beat 360 00:16:46,377 --> 00:16:49,016 ♪ A comfortable three feet deep 361 00:16:51,576 --> 00:16:55,856 ♪ Now the fuzzy stare from not being there on a confusing morning week 362 00:16:56,976 --> 00:16:59,656 ♪ Impaired my tribal lunar-speak 363 00:17:02,216 --> 00:17:07,016 ♪ And of course you can't become if you only say what you would've done 364 00:17:07,017 --> 00:17:09,656 ♪ So I missed a million miles of fun 365 00:17:11,736 --> 00:17:16,815 ♪ I know it's up for me If you steal my sunshine 366 00:17:16,816 --> 00:17:19,736 ♪ Making sure I'm not in too deep... ♪ 367 00:17:21,216 --> 00:17:24,095 Really interesting, isn't it? 368 00:17:24,096 --> 00:17:28,575 You know, if you're a successful, powerful, intellectual women 369 00:17:28,576 --> 00:17:32,615 coming into the world, people get really intimidated. 370 00:17:32,616 --> 00:17:33,975 Mm. 371 00:17:33,976 --> 00:17:36,175 You get chatted up all the time. 372 00:17:36,176 --> 00:17:39,895 On one hand, they are really attracted to you... 373 00:17:39,896 --> 00:17:41,295 attracted to me. 374 00:17:41,296 --> 00:17:43,816 Sexually attracted to me, and whatever. 375 00:17:43,817 --> 00:17:45,255 Then we start talking 376 00:17:45,256 --> 00:17:47,774 and I can see their face fall a little bit as they realise 377 00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:51,136 that I'm probably more intelligent than they are... 378 00:17:51,137 --> 00:17:52,136 SEAGULLS CRY 379 00:17:53,896 --> 00:17:56,295 Now look. It's made a road. 380 00:17:56,296 --> 00:17:59,775 It's like it's made a little road, a little trail. 381 00:17:59,776 --> 00:18:02,374 That's where it can probably, maybe, find its way back. 382 00:18:02,375 --> 00:18:03,615 Is it trying to get to the sea? 383 00:18:05,896 --> 00:18:06,936 Dunno. 384 00:18:10,576 --> 00:18:12,254 I'll see if it goes that way. 385 00:18:12,255 --> 00:18:14,296 See if I can suggest a new route to it. 386 00:18:15,456 --> 00:18:18,854 Will this confuse it if I does that and it goes back on itself? 387 00:18:18,855 --> 00:18:21,216 It thinks, "I've already done this bit." 388 00:18:28,736 --> 00:18:29,816 What are you doing? 389 00:18:29,817 --> 00:18:31,495 Writing on crabs. 390 00:18:31,496 --> 00:18:32,374 What's all that about? 391 00:18:32,375 --> 00:18:33,736 He's writing on crabs. 392 00:18:35,456 --> 00:18:38,414 What? What the motherfuck are you writing on crabs for? 393 00:18:38,415 --> 00:18:40,774 Weird question. Why aren't you writing on crabs, mate? 394 00:18:40,775 --> 00:18:42,414 That's a better question. 395 00:18:42,415 --> 00:18:44,814 It's not. Why are you writing on crabs? 396 00:18:44,815 --> 00:18:46,296 Flat shiny surface, mate. 397 00:18:46,297 --> 00:18:47,655 Marker pen. 398 00:18:47,656 --> 00:18:49,015 You do the math. 399 00:18:49,016 --> 00:18:51,135 Irresistible, boy. 400 00:18:51,136 --> 00:18:53,174 Just written TWAT on this one. 401 00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:56,216 If I could find a bigger one I'd write CARPET MUNCHER. 402 00:18:56,217 --> 00:18:58,735 What other words are you writing? 403 00:18:58,736 --> 00:19:01,495 QUIM, TAMPON. 404 00:19:01,496 --> 00:19:03,775 There's MUFF here. 405 00:19:03,776 --> 00:19:05,655 There's COCK over there. 406 00:19:05,656 --> 00:19:07,774 I've never heard of anyone going to the seaside 407 00:19:07,775 --> 00:19:09,694 and doing this as a little activity. 408 00:19:09,695 --> 00:19:12,094 Using crabs as fucking post-it notes. 409 00:19:12,095 --> 00:19:13,496 Who are you, crab police? 410 00:19:14,656 --> 00:19:17,255 Honestly, you amaze me. 411 00:19:17,256 --> 00:19:18,615 What's BOLL? 412 00:19:18,616 --> 00:19:21,695 BOLL and OCKS. 413 00:19:21,696 --> 00:19:23,654 The only make sense together. 414 00:19:23,655 --> 00:19:24,936 They're like Jedward. 415 00:19:26,736 --> 00:19:28,415 BOLL and OCKS. 416 00:19:28,416 --> 00:19:29,575 Go on, boys. 417 00:19:29,576 --> 00:19:30,896 Go and annoy the world. 418 00:19:30,897 --> 00:19:34,256 Can you find TITS? 419 00:19:35,856 --> 00:19:37,256 Scuttled off. 420 00:20:36,696 --> 00:20:38,614 Junior Greenpeace. Do you remember that? 421 00:20:38,615 --> 00:20:40,054 And I got sent that ring. 422 00:20:40,055 --> 00:20:42,734 Do you remember that I had that silver dolphin ring at school? 423 00:20:42,735 --> 00:20:43,296 Do you remember that? 424 00:20:43,297 --> 00:20:45,015 Yes. 425 00:20:45,016 --> 00:20:46,456 I found... I went on a cruise, right, to... 426 00:20:46,457 --> 00:20:48,935 Hi! You're back late. 427 00:20:48,936 --> 00:20:49,975 Yes. 428 00:20:49,976 --> 00:20:51,014 Is that for me? Yeah. 429 00:20:51,015 --> 00:20:52,456 Brilliant. I missed you. 430 00:20:52,457 --> 00:20:54,255 Yes, I missed you. 431 00:20:54,256 --> 00:20:58,094 This is Jill Shaw, the lady I told you about, that moved in today. 432 00:20:58,095 --> 00:20:59,696 This is her daughter, Rebecca. 433 00:20:59,697 --> 00:21:02,615 Hello. Kev wroted TWAT on a crab. 434 00:21:02,616 --> 00:21:03,655 Did you? Why? 435 00:21:03,656 --> 00:21:05,775 Yes, with marker pen. 436 00:21:05,776 --> 00:21:07,535 And MUFF and QUIM. 437 00:21:07,536 --> 00:21:08,655 ANUS. 438 00:21:08,656 --> 00:21:09,695 Brilliant. 439 00:21:09,696 --> 00:21:12,294 I saw his knob. It's the worstest knob in the world. 440 00:21:12,295 --> 00:21:15,136 It's terrible. It's like a dinosaur's knob. 441 00:21:15,137 --> 00:21:17,816 It's bony, but it's got lumps on it. 442 00:21:19,416 --> 00:21:20,416 Interested? Hmm... 443 00:21:20,417 --> 00:21:22,895 And he said it's a herbaceous cyst. 444 00:21:22,896 --> 00:21:24,015 Sebaceous cyst. 445 00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:26,335 Yes. Sebaceous cyst. 446 00:21:26,336 --> 00:21:27,536 These are my friends. 447 00:21:28,656 --> 00:21:29,695 Friends! 448 00:21:29,696 --> 00:21:30,616 What did you have for lunch? 449 00:21:30,617 --> 00:21:31,895 Fish and chips. 450 00:21:31,896 --> 00:21:34,095 You should get some of those. 451 00:21:34,096 --> 00:21:35,096 What? 452 00:21:36,856 --> 00:21:38,016 Fine. I'd better go. 453 00:21:39,096 --> 00:21:42,254 Sorry I haven't turned out the way you wanted, Mother. 454 00:21:42,255 --> 00:21:43,374 I've achieved enough. 455 00:21:43,375 --> 00:21:45,894 Obviously I've been a disappointment to you. 456 00:21:45,895 --> 00:21:49,536 It's always been the other way round and you know it, dear. 457 00:21:49,537 --> 00:21:50,575 On you go. 458 00:21:50,576 --> 00:21:52,376 Bye. See you. 459 00:21:53,816 --> 00:21:56,376 This is Derek. Derek works here as well. 460 00:21:56,377 --> 00:21:58,695 This is Dougie. 461 00:21:58,696 --> 00:22:00,735 And this is Kev. 462 00:22:00,736 --> 00:22:04,336 'She'll get over it, back at her five-bedroom house.' 463 00:22:04,337 --> 00:22:07,335 She ain't got room for her mum, though. 464 00:22:07,336 --> 00:22:08,375 Five bedrooms. 465 00:22:08,376 --> 00:22:10,655 I've got 23 bedrooms. 466 00:22:10,656 --> 00:22:12,174 And I've got a six-figure salary 467 00:22:12,175 --> 00:22:14,536 if you count the two after the decimal point. 468 00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:19,776 Still, I suppose it was nice to see her after all these years. 469 00:22:22,136 --> 00:22:24,495 She hasn't changed a bit. 470 00:22:24,496 --> 00:22:26,256 She always was a cunt.